WASHINGTON D.C. — Following Secretary of State John Kerry’s statement that air conditioners are as big a threat to life as we know it as ISIS, the militant group has declared war on all electrical equipment that makes the air inside a building, room, or vehicle colder. “Air conditioners are causing glaciers in the Arctic to melt, sea levels to rise, and Jewish women to breed uncontrollably. We all have to...
Under mounting pressure to increase security since the tragic terrorist attack last week that left 84 people dead, the French government has launched an all-out war on trucks. “When it comes to combating terrorism, we’ve been accused of being as ineffective as Elton John in bed with three Playboy Playmates. But that stops here as I launch an operation that will...
Senior ISIS leaders have been seeking confirmation on whether “Duck Dynasty” is something that people actually watch, or just some elaborate prank that they just aren’t getting. Abu al-Masri, a professional head separator with the organization, was clearly confused, “We’ve had a few set backs lately, but the upside has been a little more time to catch up on our...
Low Suicide Bombing numbers this past Ramadan have led to a call for an emergency meeting between terrorist organizations belonging to the United Jihad Nations BAHHL SAQ (Boko Haram, Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic State, Shabaab/Al-Qa’ida) in order to step up their coordination’s on unleashing chaos and misery across the Middle East. “The death toll was simply not high...
At a time when foreigners in Western garb are being targeted for deadly attacks by the Islamic State and other militant groups, the US State Department has advised citizens visiting the Arab World to dress like prominent American Muslims. “All douchebags are urged to stop wearing Crocs, fanny packs, schlumpy t-shirts, baseball caps worn backwards and North Face jackets. You...
ANKARA — Saying he thought he was done “with this whole democracy shit,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan expressed annoyance over being forced to urge supporters to “defend democracy” following a coup attempt by groups within the Turkish military. “I’ve spent the last 13 fucking years pretending to believe in democracy. I thought that now that I had banned all...
JERUSALEM — Saying that recent comments by IDF Rabbi Colonel Eyal Karim really aligned with his beliefs and values, comedian and alleged rapist Bill Cosby has reportedly moved to Israel and joined the Israeli army. Cosby’s decision comes after past statements surfaced in which Karim, announced Monday as the intended new chief rabbi, said it is permitted for soldiers at...
Update, 14 July 2016: Following the confirmed death of ISIS’s ‘Minister of War’, TMB has reposted an article for a #TBT in carrot-bottom’s memory. RAQQA, SYRIA — Abu Omar al-Shishani (the sexy one on the left in the image) is one commander in the ‘Islamic State’, also known as ISIS, ISIL, and al-Sham (dudes, pick a fucking name already!). Al-Shishani is now one...
VIENNA — Last year’s nuclear deal between Iran and the West may now be in jeopardy, as weapons inspectors are demanding access to sensitive military sites at which Pokémon has been discovered. “While Iran had been in compliance with the terms of the agreement up to this point, Iranian officials have now refused to allow our inspectors to enter off-limit...
RAQQA, SYRIA — After sneaking over the Turkish/Syrian Border, Stinka ibn Tooshy – formerly Oliver Weinberg of Cherry Hill New Jersey, joined the rapidly growing world of Jihad. He described his first exciting months with ISIS thusly: “It was just like I’d seen on the Internet: beheading apostates, taking their wives and daughters as sex slaves, terrorizing civilians. Twenty-four hours...
FALLUJAH — Jihadists from around the world have been making their way into Iraq and Syria to fight with the Islamic State. At first, caliphate leaders were happy to have so much support but now they are starting to feel overwhelmed and outnumbered. “I just looked around one day and realized I didn’t recognize anyone,” one IS fighter commented. “Granted...
Calling the Syrian strongman “a guy who’s really good at killing terrorists,” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has named Syrian President Bashar al-Assad as his running mate. “Listen, this guy is a really, really bad guy. Really bad guy,” Trump said as he introduced Assad at a campaign rally. “But you know what he does good? He kills terrorists. I...
The Pentagon has recently revamped its military aid plans for Syrian rebels with a new program of simply air dropping boxes of weapons and training manuals into open fields. Washington decided it was time for this change of pace when they acknowledged the previous program was, in the highly polite words of one spokesman, “suboptimal”. General Adam Owens director of the...
In the wake of the latest deadly ISIS attack killing over 200 people in Baghdad, the United States Air Force has finally decided on a robust response of airdropping ‘thoughts and prayers.’ Which is kind of like when you offer your significant other a coupon for a free backrub because you didn’t put in the effort to actually go shopping. ...
If there’s one thing people love more than Jennifer Lawrence talking about pizza, it’s debating foreign policy while bodies are still cooling from the most recent and tragic terror attack. This week’s massacre du jour took place in a country named after a staple of the American diet, no, not Greece. Turkey. At least 42 people have died in the...
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saluted the Turkish people after a heinous terror attack at Ataturk airport in Istanbul, which killed 42 people and injured more than 230. “Wherever evil strikes, we will strike back…by constructing a Turnberry golf course. Turkey needs to take back its country, just like the United Kingdom did. Wherever we break ground on a front...
Declaring that if he can bring a championship to Cleveland, he could certainly bring democracy to Syria, NBA star LeBron James has opted out of his contract with the Cavaliers and inked a five-year deal with moderate Syrian rebels battling both ISIS and the Assad regime. James announced his decision in an essay on Al Jazeera’s website. “I’m not going to...
Hidden away in the budget just sent to Congress by the Obama Administration is a proposal to cut military aid to Israel. The budget states that the US could save billions of dollars by reducing aid to the Jewish State that could then be used on shiny new toys like the F35 Joint Strike Fighter. Ironically, this comes at a time...
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has responded to allegations made by Senator John McCain that President Obama was directly responsible for the attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando. “Obama? No, the real hero that inspired the slaughter of 49 gay crusader infidels is none other than John McCain. His hatred of everything we represent is intoxicating. I confess to having a...
After radical Islamists attacked a Radiohead listening party in Istanbul last Friday, the Western world has begun to awaken to the shocking fact that many Islamists still care about Radiohead. “Until Friday’s attack, I was under the impression that radical Islam could be controlled,” President Obama admitted in a press conference following Friday’s attack by Islamists in Turkey’s largest city....
