War

ISIS falsifies Twitter followers
,

ISIS falsifies Twitter followers

ISIS’ Head of Social Media for Apocalyptic Doctrine has been forced to resign after it was found that he had been artificially inflating the number of followers for the group’s main Twitter accounts, with the total number of accounts operating on behalf of ISIS is somewhere around 46,000. At an official press conference in Raqqa, Anwar al-Bibi told the assembled media that...

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces
,

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Iraqi Security Forces (ISF) have announced that Julia Pierson, the Former US Secret Service Director, has been tapped to run the Iraqi national security organization. “We’ve been looking for the right candidate for months,” explained a top official in the Iraqi Security Forces. “When we read about the security breach at the White House, the subsequent lying as to how...

Obama Reveals that Iran Talks are Just an Excuse to Avoid Republicans
,

Obama Reveals that Iran Talks are Just an Excuse to Avoid Republicans

LAUSANNE, Switzerland – The negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program are nearing another deadline with no resolution in sight, and yet participating leaders from both sides seem to emerge from the sessions in an uncharacteristically good mood. The Israeli Daily caught up with some of the major figures involved to ask them about the progress of the negotiations. “Some people have suggested...

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces
,

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces

After learning he will not face criminal charges in the US, the NYPD officer captured on video applying a fatal chokehold to an unarmed man this past summer has been hired by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, the elite military force tasked with maintaining order and protecting the regime domestically. “We were looking for new recruits who would use deadly force...

Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas
,

Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas

Netanyahu’s is to fly to the European Union’s HQ in Brussels tomorrow morning to discuss an agreement with the anti-Israel lobby on how many Israelis must die in conflicts with terror groups. The quota, which is likely to be too low to satisfy ‘liberals’ whatever the figure, will allow a certain amount of indiscriminate and unprovoked rockets to hit civilian...

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?
, ,

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Rumors abound that Angelina Jolie, one of the most powerful women in the world, is set to resign as United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees Ambassador in response to the organization’s withdrawal from Yemen. “150 UN staffers fled Yemen’s capital over the weekend. Were the peace talks cut out in post-production? Great, another country with a refugee crisis that I have...

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress
,

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Earlier this month, Benjamin Netanyahu pissed off Democrats by speaking in front of Congress about Iran’s nuclear program. He and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner have been engaged in a hot bromance ever since. Jealous and not to be outdone, Barack Obama has requested that Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei speak before Congress in favor of negotiations. “I...

Confused Canadian Fighter Pilot Bombs Wrong Middle Eastern Country

Confused Canadian Fighter Pilot Bombs Wrong Middle Eastern Country

A lone, disoriented Canadian pilot has inadvertently joined Saudi Arabia in a bombing run over military installations in Yemen held by Shiite rebels. “I guess I zigged when I should’ve zagged,” Captain Luc Forget said after flipping a bitch midair and returning to base. Forget normally flies sorties over ISIS-held territory in Syria with his wingman, Lieutenant Gordy Furtado. “Gordy had had...

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency
, ,

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL...

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios
,

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

In a move guaranteed to delight fan boys everywhere, the IDF has agreed to a ten-year marketing agreement with the people that brought you The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy. The move means that from now on IDF operations will not be burdened with such yawn-encouraging names as “Cast Lead” or “Protective Edge” and instead will benefit from much snappier...

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza
,

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

The Israeli Navy says it seized a ship early on Sunday that it claims Iran was using to smuggle tens of thousands of radioactive rubbers to Palestinian militants in the Gaza Strip. “Electronic scanners detected a floating advertisement for sexual health and happiness,” Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon said. “The naughty bags snatched by the IDF on the high seas...

UN troops abandon mission…again.
,

UN troops abandon mission…again.

In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, under-paid...

Israel is ‘Criminal State’
,

Israel is ‘Criminal State’

The human rights group “We know nothing about the Middle East” or WKNATME has accused Israel’s government of being a criminal organization. 

“Being a democracy and providing a high-standard of living just cannot be done via legitimate means,” said Sandy Guinness who makes coffee for the teenager that runs their website from a truck stop café outside Dublin. “Israel is...

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria
,

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria

Up until now as confusing as Bashar al-Assad’s wispy moustache, America’s war against ISIS in Syria will soon hone in on who the enemy exactly is by incorporating that most effective weapon of mass distraction: the text message. Rebels of questionable allegiance will be sent this electronic message: “USA: BFF or DOA?” Based on their answers, the White House will...

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing
, ,

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known...

Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer
,

Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer

In a wide-ranging interview with The Mideast Beast, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad admitted that he likely ‘overcompensates’ for his father Hafez Assad’s opinion that he wasn’t up to succeeding in the family business. “My father was a very competitive man. Self made. Really liked to murder people with his own hands. So you can imagine what that was like growing...

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities
, ,

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Ever since last summer’s armed conflict between Israel and Gazan combatants, Israel continues to lose the media war. A representative from the Defense Ministry’s Department of Mentally Challenged PR said, “It’s unfortunate that the Pro-Palestinian camp has such good looking supporters. People like Mark Ruffalo, Javier Barden, and Penelope Cruz have all come out in support of the Palestinian cause. Then again, they...

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading
, ,

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

Hamas has executed the head of its twitter feed after claiming he was a ‘Mossad agent.’ In an ironic twist Hamas decided on removing the head’s head as the form of execution, pointing out such a method was ‘bang on trend.’ The decision was made after the bungling media wing of the fun loving terror group had the bright idea...

Hurray for Pallywood!
,

Hurray for Pallywood!

It’s all “Lights, Cameras, Action” this year and we don’t mean the sky above Gaza. That’s because the Palestinian Authority has announced it will open Pallywood Studios in Syria after the roaring success of its summer collection of short films and photographs in 2014. Previously only shot with a hand camera, a dose of deceit and editing software, the new centre will...