War

This Time It’s Going to Be Brilliant!
,

This Time It’s Going to Be Brilliant!

Only months ago, a new age began to dawn in Iraq as that last corrupt, incompetent, and yes let’s face it slightly creepy chap has been replaced by a charming, talented and darkly handsome fellow, who is in no shape or form going to screw everything up royally. One White House Spokesman was bursting with happiness “we’ve backed a winner...

The Men From E.V.I.L.
,

The Men From E.V.I.L.

Naftali Bennett, Israel’s Minister of Economy and man that gives new meaning to ‘right-wing’ has announced he has endorsed the efforts of a bloc of nations in the UN self-styled E.V.I.L. who have condemned the lack of recognition by the Security Council of their villainous antics. E.V.I.L., which stands for Every Violation In Law, is a campaign group started by...

Apparently Libya Had A Prime Minister
,

Apparently Libya Had A Prime Minister

Despite Libyan Prime Minister Abdullah al-Thinni resigning a while back, and yet staying in power until a new government can be formed, has been greeted with global confusion as people try to come to terms with the fact that Libya apparently had some sort of ‘government’ to begin with. Regional analyst Brian Junkie was surprised, “They had what now? Really? Are you...

Surprise Israeli Military Drill Practices Shooting Down US Fighter Planes
,

Surprise Israeli Military Drill Practices Shooting Down US Fighter Planes

Footage of a military exercise filmed by Israeli television on Monday shows thousands of soldiers operating hundreds of Iron Dome air defense batteries in an apparent simulated response to an attack by the United States Air Force. “The drill had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the rumor that President Obama threatened to shoot down our planes in 2014. Pure...

ISIS Holds Emergency Meeting to Choose Name for Its War on the World
,

ISIS Holds Emergency Meeting to Choose Name for Its War on the World

Senior members of ISIS convened an emergency meeting in response to the long-awaited naming by the United States of its military mission against the Islamic State. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Martin Dempsey, announced that the US-led effort against ISIS in Iraq and Syria would be called Operation Inherent Resolve, after it was decided that Operation “Oh no,...

Not Yemen too!
,

Not Yemen too!

Middle East rubberneckers have risen up in revolt on the news that they now have to keep track on what the hell is happening in Yemen on top of everything else. Professor William Lyons, Head of Making Complicated Things Seem Simple, at the University of Birmingham, was visibly shaken. “Shia and Sunni militants ‘clashing’,  no problem with that. Easy. But who the hell are ‘Houthis’?...

Obama Unveils New ‘Swag Strategy’ Against ISIS

Obama Unveils New ‘Swag Strategy’ Against ISIS

Marrying the understated decorum of Hollywood and the unvarnished materialism of defeating terrorism through job training, President Obama today unveiled what is being called the ‘Swag Strategy’ against ISIS. “This new program is simple. And it borrows from the great cultural strength that is the Oscars as demonstrated by the $125,000 gift bags handed out to celebrity A-listers. If bombing...

US Troops checking next week’s Baghdad weather forecast
,

US Troops checking next week’s Baghdad weather forecast

News that US ground forces will be deployed as Iraqi forces inexplicably failed in their duty has caused the website www.weather.com to crash as approximately one million soldiers checked the regional forecast for next week. Likely recipient of another Central Asian campaign medal, Sergeant John Padansky commented, “I guess this time it could be different, I mean we have thrown a...

Vatican’s Swiss Guard Redeployed to Iraq
,

Vatican’s Swiss Guard Redeployed to Iraq

The Pontifical Swiss Guard of the Holy See stationed at the Vatican in Rome will be redeployed to assist in the battle against Islamic State militants, but will not be involved in combat, the Rome-based daily Il Messagero reported on Wednesday. “Our Teutonic mercenaries were cramping this Argentinian Pope’s style,” noted Mathias Fluck, a young guardsman. “In the Philippines, the Bishop of Rome made us stop the...

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health
,

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George...

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence
,

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence

In an interview from an undisclosed location, a distressed former Vice President Dick Cheney today revealed that Brian Williams provided the since discredited pre-war intelligence he presented to justify invading Iraq. “Aluminum tubes? The al-Queada Connection? All Williams,” Cheney explained, as he did a fair approximation of human emotions. “And did I mention that Brian told me the meaning of...

Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies
,

Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies

A group of displaced persons from Syria who had fled ISIS-controlled territory for the safety of a refugee camp in Lebanon filed a lawsuit on Monday at the International Criminal Court (ICC) against the United Nations Refugee Agency for alleged false advertising. Saif El-Amin, a toothless man from Raqqa, asserts that “The United Nations promised us a place with a...

ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation
,

ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation

ISIS is reportedly on the verge of splitting after the leadership sent an invitation to former US President George W. Bush to become a honorary life member of the Caliphate as a sign of gratitude for his services to Islamic extremism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi stood by the decision, “Look here, when Boko Haram in Nigeria attack neighboring Chad the link to...

British Prime Minister Defends Torture
,

British Prime Minister Defends Torture

In the run up to the next election, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted that torture is ok by him as long as he doesn’t have to get any of that icky blood stuff on himself. Asked on the campaign trail about the UK’s cozy relationship with Saudi Arabia Cameron said: “I can tell you one time since I’ve been prime...

Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week
,

Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week

Following an alleged Israeli attack that killed five members of Hezbollah operating out of Syria, dozens of the Islamist militant group’s senior members have reportedly fled to this season’s catwalks at Milan Fashion Week 2015. Jalal Jaffer, a high ranking Hezbollah operative, photobombed a selfie taken by Paris Hilton with rapper Snoop Dogg backstage at the Philipp Plein show. “His first...

ISIS Downs Squadron of My Little Ponies

ISIS Downs Squadron of My Little Ponies

In another demonstration of their growing military prowess, ISIS today announced that their fighters had successfully downed part of a My Little Pony Squadron invading their territory. “Allah be praised, our rockets struck home!” declared spokesman Ive ibn Drinkin. “The sky rained blood and brightly colored fur. Glory to the All-mighty.” Early reports agreed that Merry May and Cloud Chaser...

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace
,

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here...

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?
,

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one...

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift
,

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed...

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

Secret UN communiques passed to The Mideast Beast have revealed that Egypt and Israel came close to renewed conflict last week due to the over exuberance of some of the peacekeepers posted to the Multinational Force & Observers operating in the Sinai peninsula. According to the communiques Indian soldiers posted as part of the force were able to sneak in a...