Technology

‘Cancelled’ al Qaeda Leader Launches Substack
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‘Cancelled’ al Qaeda Leader Launches Substack

Lamenting that “cancel culture” has made it more difficult than ever to preach the virtues of jihad at an institution like al Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri announced Monday that he is leaving the terror organization and launching an Islamist newsletter on Substack. “While I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to work for and lead al Qaeda, it is no...

ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future
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ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future

Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by February in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their plans citing the plethora of...

Iran Seeks Peace with Israel After Learning of Jewish Space Lasers
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Iran Seeks Peace with Israel After Learning of Jewish Space Lasers

The Islamic Republic of Iran is looking to ease tensions with Israel, aiming to avoid confrontation after learning of the existence of Jewish Space Lasers capable of incinerating hundreds of thousands of acres of forestland. Iran had stoked tension with Israel until Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei read a 2018 Facebook post by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene revealing that the deadly...

Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans During Coronavirus Lockdowns
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Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans During Coronavirus Lockdowns

Hamas is leading the charge against the tyranny of telecommuting, or homeworking, by banning video conferencing, along with the occasional arrest to really drive the point home. A spokesman commented, “We’ve been monitoring how bosses have been forcing workers into annoying and unproductive online conference calls. We all know how they just raise blood pressure as people forget to unmute...

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict
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Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to hate-post or upload fake news as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch...

Mossad: “Track and Trace Apps are New?”
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Mossad: “Track and Trace Apps are New?”

Following other governments’ most recent launches of coronavirus “track and trace” apps, Mossad proudly announced this week that they’ve been tracking citizens’ movements for years, for both national security and those ‘just in case’ scenarios. In a testament to the superiority of Israeli intelligence, Mossad claims that their concerns around infectious diseases began at the exact same time as the...

Twitter CEO Glad Trump is Only Leader that Incites Violence
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Twitter CEO Glad Trump is Only Leader that Incites Violence

After permanently banning President Donald Trump from his platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says he is greatly relieved that the problem of world leaders inciting violence on his platform has been permanently solved. “Removing a world leader for using his account to promote violent acts is a dramatic step,” Dorsey acknowledged. “Banning Trump could have all sorts of implications if...

Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19
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Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19

With only days remaining in his presidency, and hoping to salvage any possible legacy, US President Donald Trump has reportedly asked doctors if they can remove Covid-19 from people’s bodies using nuclear weapons. “Look doctor, I have all these nukes. Like hundreds, maybe millions of them, and I mean really powerful bombs,” Trump reportedly told his physician after learning that...

Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked
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Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked

An event hosted at San Francisco State University (SFSU) interviewing amateur hijacker, oldest remaining member of a terrorist organization, and part-time public speaker , Mrs. Leila Khaled, was cut short last night after YouTube pulled the livestream just 23 minutes after the event began. Students that had been looking forward to hearing the geriatric terrorist were devastated that someone would...

Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G
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Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G

In a finding that has stunned epidemiologists and upended medical consensus, researchers have now discovered cases of COVID-19 infection in nations without 5G development. Leading researchers have long believed that the novel coronavirus is caused by waves emitted from 5G cell towers. But in Iran, where there is no 5G infrastructure, satellite images have shown mass graves dug to bury...

Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home
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Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home

Following in the footsteps of boutique gyms like Barry’s Bootcamp and SoulCycle who are charging upwards of $30 for daily at-home workouts, Hamas has created its own series of Zoom classes for followers who want to exercise hate from the comfort of their living rooms. Although nothing can truly compare to the in-person experience of building fire-and-forget rockets with your...

SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
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SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

People around the world found reason to rejoice this week after discovering that the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has finally been solved. In what’s being labelled a, “like react for world peace”, the decades long struggle for regional calm was finally resolved once and for all by a collegiate Students for Justice in Palestine Instagram post. The post was similar to all...

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
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Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combating ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re...

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments
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Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation...

Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively on Social Media
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Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively on Social Media

As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: the next war will be fought exclusively on social media platforms. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF officer. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging...

Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology
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Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has decided to “embrace a simple Amish lifestyle free from Zionist technology.” The decision comes after Iran’s parliament unanimously passed a resolution banning any use of Israeli technology as a “crime against God.” Since Israeli technology is found in everything from laptops to smartphones, Iran’s supreme leader spoke to The Mideast Beast inside a 100...

Tesla Chosen “Most Environmentally-Friendly Jihad Vehicle 2020”
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Tesla Chosen “Most Environmentally-Friendly Jihad Vehicle 2020”

Tesla, the US electric vehicle company has been chosen “most environmentally-friendly Jihad vehicle 2020” by ecologically-driven Jihadists worldwide. Tesla CEO Elon Musk spoke to The Mideast Beast from the company’s Palo Alto headquarters. “I’m really moved by the gesture and it proves I was right to reopen Tesla’s California plant. Whether you drive on the right or the left side...