Technology

ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative
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ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognized the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be...

Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19
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Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19

Days after testing positive for Covid-19, US President Donald Trump has reportedly asked doctors if they can remove the virus from his body using nuclear weapons. “Look doctor, I have all these nukes. Like hundreds, maybe millions of them, and I mean really powerful bombs,” Trump reportedly told his physician after testing positive for Covid-19. “If we just dropped one...

Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked
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Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked

An event hosted at San Francisco State University (SFSU) interviewing amateur hijacker, oldest remaining member of a terrorist organization, and part-time public speaker , Mrs. Leila Khaled, was cut short last night after YouTube pulled the livestream just 23 minutes after the event began. Students that had been looking forward to hearing the geriatric terrorist were devastated that someone would...

Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G
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Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G

In a finding that has stunned epidemiologists and upended medical consensus, researchers have now discovered cases of COVID-19 infection in nations without 5G development. Leading researchers have long believed that the novel coronavirus is caused by waves emitted from 5G cell towers. But in Iran, where there is no 5G infrastructure, satellite images have shown mass graves dug to bury...

ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future
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ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future

Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by September in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their plans citing the plethora of...

Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home
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Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home

Following in the footsteps of boutique gyms like Barry’s Bootcamp and SoulCycle who are charging upwards of $30 for daily at-home workouts, Hamas has created its own series of Zoom classes for followers who want to exercise hate from the comfort of their living rooms. Although nothing can truly compare to the in-person experience of building fire-and-forget rockets with your...

SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
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SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

People around the world found reason to rejoice this week after discovering that the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has finally been solved. In what’s being labelled a, “like react for world peace”, the decades long struggle for regional calm was finally resolved once and for all by a collegiate Students for Justice in Palestine Instagram post. The post was similar to all...

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict
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Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to hate-post as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch of white people outside...

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
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Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combating ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re...

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments
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Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation...

Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively on Social Media
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Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively on Social Media

As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: the next war will be fought exclusively on social media platforms. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF officer. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging...

Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology
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Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has decided to “embrace a simple Amish lifestyle free from Zionist technology.” The decision comes after Iran’s parliament unanimously passed a resolution banning any use of Israeli technology as a “crime against God.” Since Israeli technology is found in everything from laptops to smartphones, Iran’s supreme leader spoke to The Mideast Beast inside a 100...

Tesla Chosen “Most Environmentally-Friendly Jihad Vehicle 2020”
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Tesla Chosen “Most Environmentally-Friendly Jihad Vehicle 2020”

Tesla, the US electric vehicle company has been chosen “most environmentally-friendly Jihad vehicle 2020” by ecologically-driven Jihadists worldwide. Tesla CEO Elon Musk spoke to The Mideast Beast from the company’s Palo Alto headquarters. “I’m really moved by the gesture and it proves I was right to reopen Tesla’s California plant. Whether you drive on the right or the left side...

Mossad: “Track and Trace Apps are New?”
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Mossad: “Track and Trace Apps are New?”

Following other governments’ launches of coronavirus “track and trace” apps, Mossad proudly announced this week that they’ve been tracking citizens’ movements for years, for both national security and those ‘just in case’ scenarios. In a testament to the superiority of Israeli intelligence, Mossad claims that their concerns around infectious diseases began at the exact same time as the launch of...

Iran: Al Quds Day Moving Online
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Iran: Al Quds Day Moving Online

Due to the ongoing novel coronavirus pandemic, which has hit Iran especially hard, the country will be cancelling its annual Quds Day demonstrations, which are actually less about Jerusalem and rather a bit more focused on the customary call for Israel’s annihilation. “It was an extremely difficult decision to make,” admitted Ramezan Sharif, spokesman of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps,...

Iran to Hold First ‘Death to Israel’ Zoom Meeting
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Iran to Hold First ‘Death to Israel’ Zoom Meeting

With the coronavirus preventing large rallies, Iran’s leaders have been forced to cancel this year’s anti-Israel “Quds Day” protests and instead will lead a series of “Death to Israel” and “Death to America” chants via Zoom conference. The rally will feature tens of thousands of Zoom attendees each taking turns calling for death to one of Iran’s eternal enemies. In...

BDS Founder Okays Watching Israeli Porn
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BDS Founder Okays Watching Israeli Porn

Omar Barghouti, the founder of the Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions movement (BDS) against Israel, has loosened restrictions against watching Israeli pornography for the duration of the coronavirus lockdown. “If an Israeli finds a cure for cancer or makes a remarkably hardcore porno video, we do not ask that supporters of the Palestinian cause or Palestinians themselves boycott these innovations,” Barghouti told The Mideast...

Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans
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Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans

Hamas is leading the charge against the tyranny of telecommuting, or homeworking, by banning video conferencing, along with the occasional arrest to really drive the point home. A spokesman commented, “We’ve been monitoring how bosses have been forcing workers into annoying and unproductive online conference calls. We all know how they just raise blood pressure as people forget to unmute...