War

Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance
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Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance

In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...

Putin to Join Israeli Unity Government after Netanyahu Promises to Annex Syria
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Putin to Join Israeli Unity Government after Netanyahu Promises to Annex Syria

Russian President Vladimir Putin has agreed to join an Israeli unity government after Prime Minister Netanyahu promised to annex Syria. The looming threat of a fourth Israeli election in a year has thereby been averted thanks to Putin’s responsible brinkmanship. According to the Putin-Netanyahu deal, Netanyahu will serve as a puppet Prime Minister for the first 18 months with Putin...

Quarantined Arms Dealers Resorting to DIY Bomb-Making Vlogs
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Quarantined Arms Dealers Resorting to DIY Bomb-Making Vlogs

Every industry, licit or not, has been profoundly impacted by the coronavirus pandemic.  Arms dealers in Yemen and throughout the Arabian Peninsula have even had to change how they go about getting weapons into the hands of terrorists. The Mideast Beast interviewed one successful Saudi weapons mogul, who wished to remain anonymous.  Here’s what he had to say. “We all...

North Korea Promises to Starve COVID-19 to Death
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North Korea Promises to Starve COVID-19 to Death

The World Health Organization (WHO) has praised North Korea after its supreme leader Kim Jong-un promised that he will “starve COVID-19 to death.” The announcement from the North Korean leader comes at a time when the slightly isolated country has stepped up its fight against the corona pandemic. Kim Jong-un offered an exclusive Zoom interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB),...

US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan
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US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan

Despite promising to withdraw the majority of the troops stationed in Afghanistan at varying points during his presidency, Trump has ordered more than five thousand troops to remain in the country, due to increased Taliban presence.  While this decision may have had more detractors a few months ago, everyone suddenly seems very supportive of the decision. Most of the troops...

Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement Over Yemen
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Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement Over Yemen

In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by the newest respiratory virus, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign...

Trump Proposes Mass Prescription of Prozac to End Syrian Civil War
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Trump Proposes Mass Prescription of Prozac to End Syrian Civil War

After suggesting that the United States start using anti-Malaria medication to treat COVID-19 patients, a confident President Donald Trump, excited by the prospect of solving problems with unproven pills, announced plans to end the Syrian civil war by supplying billions of Prozac pills. Trump made his announcement at a White House press briefing, saying that although they are not sure...

US Quickly Moves Toilet Paper Reserves to Fort Knox Following ISIS Threat of “Crippling Attack”
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US Quickly Moves Toilet Paper Reserves to Fort Knox Following ISIS Threat of “Crippling Attack”

The US government is reportedly moving the nation’s diminishing toilet paper reserves to Fort Knox, known by many as ‘the Vault’, famous for its high-level physical security. Locals in Kentucky reported sightings of military vehicles in a miles-long convoy, accompanied by troops from the US Armed Forces, including, by demand of President Trump, detachments from US Space Force. Heading towards...

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus
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Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus

In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official....

Benny Gantz to Consult Aung San Suu Kyi on How to ‘Fail to Deliver’
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Benny Gantz to Consult Aung San Suu Kyi on How to ‘Fail to Deliver’

Benny Gantz placed his bid to become the next Knesset Speaker on Thursday, increasing the likelihood a coalition government with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Now he is already cashing in on the historic about-face. Gantz is going to advise Nobel prize winner-turned-ethnic cleansing enabler, Aung San Suu Kyi, on how to epically disappoint expectations. Benny Gantz entered political life a...

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields
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US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy...

Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine
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Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine

To combat Cordvid-19, Israel has announced a plan to place all of the Gaza Strip under quarantine. The plan came into effect after Israel suspected that two Palestinians had moved across the border in the past five years. Israel said it will seal off the borders of Gaza indefinitely while it tries to contain the crisis. “The idea is restrict...

Hezbollah: “72 Virgins is Too Crowded”, Martyrs Feel Cheated
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Hezbollah: “72 Virgins is Too Crowded”, Martyrs Feel Cheated

Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah has ruled that 72 virgins is dangerously crowded for its suicide bombers, leaving many potential martyrs feeling cheated. Nasrallah’s decision comes after he and other senior Hezbollah leaders reportedly contracted the coronavirus. Nasrallah spoke to The Mideast Beast from his subterranean quarantine Beirut bunker. “As Hezbollah’s leader, my main responsibility is to preserve a safe afterlife...

ISIS Urges Suicide Bombers to Avoid Large Crowds
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ISIS Urges Suicide Bombers to Avoid Large Crowds

In an effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus, the Islamic State is advising its suicide bombers to avoid large crowds and densely packed areas while carrying out their operations. “As we look to mitigate the harm caused by COVID-19, we are adjusting our operations to protect our mujahideen against the threat of the virus,” ISIS leader Amir Mohammed al-Salbi...

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’
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Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’

Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast....

Palestinians Give New Yorkers Tips on Living Under Occupation
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Palestinians Give New Yorkers Tips on Living Under Occupation

With the National Guard called into New York’s suburbs in response to a Coronavirus outbreak, New Yorkers are reaching out to Palestinians for tips on living under military occupation. “Until this week, I never knew what it was like to have my movement restricted, or to see tanks in the street,” said one resident of New Rochelle, New York, where...

Trump Praises “Best Friends Forever” Deal with Taliban
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Trump Praises “Best Friends Forever” Deal with Taliban

President Donald Trump has praised the recently signed “Best Friends Forever” deal with the Taliban. The President spoke to The Mideast Beast about his phone conversation with Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar.“I had a good talk with President Mullah. I had a feeling those Jews were listening in on the call, so I was really careful, only using the...

Taliban Blasts ‘Sexist’ US for Not Supporting Warren’s Presidential Bid
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Taliban Blasts ‘Sexist’ US for Not Supporting Warren’s Presidential Bid

The Taliban has called off its peace deal with the US, saying that it could not normalize relations with such a sexist nation following Senator Elizabeth Warren’s exit from the presidential race. “Warren’s failure to gain traction exposed Americans’ deep-seated misogyny”, deputy Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar said. He also noted, “countries across the world, from Australia to the...

Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops
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Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops

It’s been well over a month since Trump’s decision to play whack-a-mole with Iran’s exalted general, Qasem Soleimani. Since then, Iranian troops and Shiite militiamen alike are saying they’re having a bit of trouble adjusting to their new boss, Esmail Ghaani. Hezbollah troops were the first to raise some eyebrows about some of the new office policies that Ghaani instated,...