War

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
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Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind...

Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive
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Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive

Syrian President, and Russia’s personal puppet, Bashar Assad held an anticipatory memorial day for Syrians that he hasn’t killed yet. It comes on the heels of an unmasked President Trump and a masked Joe Biden who marked America’s Memorial Day this past Monday. An emotional Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from his recently revealed Damascus Institute for Inclusive Corona...

Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology
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Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology

Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has decided to “embrace a simple Amish lifestyle free from Zionist technology.” The decision comes after Iran’s parliament unanimously passed a resolution banning any use of Israeli technology as a “crime against God.” Since Israeli technology is found in everything from laptops to smartphones, Iran’s supreme leader spoke to The Mideast Beast inside a 100...

Iran’s Supreme Leader: Some of My Best Friends Are Jews
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Iran’s Supreme Leader: Some of My Best Friends Are Jews

Iran’s “Supreme Leader” Ali Khamenei, clearly frustrated, recently went on a prolonged Twitter rant, in which he, among other things, described Israel as “a cancerous tumor”. The rant came as a poster published on Khamenei’s website using the words “final solution” and calling for Israel’s destruction, drew criticism. “The Zionist regime understands no logic except force and it is the...

Berkeley Offers Safe Space to Battered Iranian Forces Fleeing Syria
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Berkeley Offers Safe Space to Battered Iranian Forces Fleeing Syria

Berkeley’s City Council has offered “safe space” to Iranian forces in Syria, currently badly battered by “racist Yid Demonic Forces (YDF).” The compassionate move from Berkeley, a world-renowned bastion of cherry-picked human rights causes, comes as Iran reportedly begins pulling out its forces from Syria after repeated Israeli airstrikes on Iranian military bases and Iranian-affiliated militias operating in Syria. Berkeley...

IKEA Offers Assembly Instructions to Flat-Packaged Mideast Peace
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IKEA Offers Assembly Instructions to Flat-Packaged Mideast Peace

The global furniture giant IKEA is now offering “assembly instructions to a flat-packaged Mideast peace.” The announcement comes as the popular Swedish furniture seller reopens its stores in Israel, Germany and China. IKEA’s upbeat Mideast Director Sven Borg revealed to The Mideast Beast why IKEA’s Middle East Peace Plan has better chances than the previous 789 clinically dead peace proposals....

Biden Congratulates David Ben-Gurion on Israel’s Independence Day
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Biden Congratulates David Ben-Gurion on Israel’s Independence Day

Presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly sent an official letter to Israel’s founding father David Ben-Gurion, wishing Israel a Happy Independence Day. A frustrated Biden told The Mideast Beast that he was surprised that he never received a reply from Ben-Gurion who passed away in 1973. “Frankly I think it is rude that Prime Minister Ben-Gurion never bothered to respond to...

Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine
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Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine

Earlier today, human doll and senior advisor to father-in-law President Trump, Jared Kushner announced a new plan to divide Israel and Palestine into 574 city-states to ensure social distancing during this novel coronavirus pandemic. Kushner, a well-respected thinker on Israeli-Palestinian affairs, having read 25 whole books on the protracted conflict, is also the current pandemic tsar. “The science on the...

Assad Advises Never Inject Bleach, Just Breathe It In
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Assad Advises Never Inject Bleach, Just Breathe It In

President Assad of Syria, the guy other Middle East dictators would never let their daughters date because, you know, ‘standards’, has weighed into the bleach debate. In a news conference late Friday, flanked by his senior medical advisors he stated, “Look, I’m amazed I have to say this but please don’t inject yourself with bleach. It’s just an insane waste...

UN Condemns Iran Missile Tests: “Didn’t Disinfect them First”
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UN Condemns Iran Missile Tests: “Didn’t Disinfect them First”

On Tuesday, Iran launched two more test missiles capable of delivering a nuclear payload.  During a time when most of the world’s attention is focused on the COVID-19 pandemic, many have ignored Iran’s rapidly escalating rhetoric. Israel called upon the UN to condemn the missile tests, which they did because they failed to properly disinfect the missiles before launching them. ...

US Re-Invades Iraq to Return Worthless Oil
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US Re-Invades Iraq to Return Worthless Oil

American forces have once again launched an invasion of Iraq, with the US now looking to return oil to the Middle Eastern nation after prices for crude dropped below zero. The drop in oil demand amid a glut of cheap oil has forced American refiners to pay offtakers to rid them of product. Shortly after US Marines reached Baghdad, American...

Yemen Offers to Store Saudi Oil in Bomb Craters
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Yemen Offers to Store Saudi Oil in Bomb Craters

With the price of oil in negative territory for the first time in history, Yemen has offered its friendly neighbour a creative storage option. A spokesman commented, “As you can imagine we were devastated to learn that our friends were suffering such hardship, and of course we wanted to help. Now clearly, we couldn’t lend them any money because someone...

Rebels in Yemen Find Bullets ‘Most Effective’ Treatment for Coronavirus
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Rebels in Yemen Find Bullets ‘Most Effective’ Treatment for Coronavirus

Yemen, the ever-innovative fount of radical solutions to serious world problems, is making headlines again, as its Houthi-rebels, who are fighting Yemen’s government, have announced how they intend to fight Covid-19. Yemen recently reported its first case of Coronavirus. The Mideast Beast, eager to learn what the Yemenite rebels from the country of unsurpassed medical and technical innovation would have...

Saudi Arabia Claims It Bombed Yemen “Ironically”
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Saudi Arabia Claims It Bombed Yemen “Ironically”

Following years of criticism around the conflict in Yemen, Saudi commanders went on Fox News last night to announce that they were obviously only bombing innocent civilians “ironically.” “Jeez. Nobody can take a joke nowadays.” said army general and frequent sub-reddittor Mohamad bin-Mohamad. “It’s like how holding up a journalist’s head doesn’t actually mean I hate free speech. Bombing the...

Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance
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Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance

In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...

Putin to Join Israeli Unity Government after Netanyahu Promises to Annex Syria
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Putin to Join Israeli Unity Government after Netanyahu Promises to Annex Syria

Russian President Vladimir Putin has agreed to join an Israeli unity government after Prime Minister Netanyahu promised to annex Syria. The looming threat of a fourth Israeli election in a year has thereby been averted thanks to Putin’s responsible brinkmanship. According to the Putin-Netanyahu deal, Netanyahu will serve as a puppet Prime Minister for the first 18 months with Putin...

Quarantined Arms Dealers Resorting to DIY Bomb-Making Vlogs
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Quarantined Arms Dealers Resorting to DIY Bomb-Making Vlogs

Every industry, licit or not, has been profoundly impacted by the coronavirus pandemic.  Arms dealers in Yemen and throughout the Arabian Peninsula have even had to change how they go about getting weapons into the hands of terrorists. The Mideast Beast interviewed one successful Saudi weapons mogul, who wished to remain anonymous.  Here’s what he had to say. “We all...