War

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they...

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2019th Time

God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2019th Time

After another year of war between Middle East countries and factions, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2018 didn’t go as planned, but new year new me! In 2019 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars #resolutions #motivated” God immediately got to work, reading several informative BuzzFeed articles on how to keep resolutions. He then put together an elaborate Excel spreadsheet where he listed all current ongoing conflicts. “At first I was...

President Trump: “Is Syria Even a Real Place?”

President Trump: “Is Syria Even a Real Place?”

President Trump has brought into question the entire existence of a country called ‘Syria’. “I mean I know the most about Geography, no one knows more. And I’ve never seen the place myself. ‘Whining Brett McGurk‘ says he’s been there. But he’s an Obama supporter so why should I trust him?” “I’ve travelled the most of any President, Mar A Lago, Bedminster, Mar A Lago again. And I don’t remember even coming close to a place called ‘Syria’. I mean...

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

Under the constant threat of barrel bombs, stray mortar shells, crossfire between various rebel factions, and being strafed by a fighter jet, Syrian teen Mahmoud al-Tibi admitted Sunday that he can’t find one goddamn minute to jerk off properly. Between his mom barging into his bedroom to tell him “they’ve begun shelling again” and his little sister sobbing uncontrollably next door, it’s proving impossible to ‘smack the Imam’. “I try to watch some porn but halfway through the Internet connection...

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

The political implications are as grave as the story is improbable.  A Hamas Qassam-4 Rocket and an Israeli Iron Dome Interceptor have sent letters to their respective commanders declaring that they can no longer hide their love. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was the kind of thing that you feel deep in your fuselage,” said the Interceptor who prefers to go unnamed. “There was just something about her arc of flight that told me not to blow...

Turkey Apologizes for Lack of Commitment to Syrian Violence

Turkey Apologizes for Lack of Commitment to Syrian Violence

Turkey has admitted publicly its failure to keep the good times going in Syria and has committed to another invasion some time before Christmas. A statement from the government read, “Totally our bad, we took our eye off the ball on this one. We had somehow assumed that between the Americans, Russians, Kurds, half a dozen other separatist groups and Bashar al-Assad, that a decent level of bloodshed would have been achieved. We were wrong.” “But we intend to rectify...

Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour

Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour

GAZA CITY — The Gaza Strip has been hit again! This time, by an unexpected massive downpour of rain yesterday, allegedly brought upon by Israel to ‘screw with the Palestinian People,’ claims a Hamas official. In light of the situation, world leaders are scheduled to meet in Cairo in the coming days to mediate the cease-water negotiations, scheduled to take place next week. Israeli weather forecasters are still playing dumb, erroneously blaming ‘the atmosphere’ and ‘clouds’ for the ‘slight rainfall’...

The Concerned Reader’s Guide to Middle East Reporting Clichés

The Concerned Reader’s Guide to Middle East Reporting Clichés

Does Middle East reporting leave you dumbfounded, baffled and befuddled? Us too! It certainly doesn’t help that most articles are as overrun with clichés such as, Syria is with “moderate rebels”. As a service to our long-suffering readers, The Mideast Beast presents the guide that takes a buzzsaw to the buzzwords. All options are on table – The following options are on the table: giving fiery speeches, expressing disappointment, letting Putin handle it, ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away....

ISIS Blames Low Poll Numbers on “Terrorist Harassment”

ISIS Blames Low Poll Numbers on “Terrorist Harassment”

An ISIS spokesman today complained that only a constant pattern of “fake news” was holding their global poll numbers down in what he called “terrorist harassment”. “We’re just doing all these amazing things around worldwide jihad. Chopping off heads, blowing shit up, keeping the infidels in a constant state of panic. But we just constantly struggle to get our numbers above 50%. We blame the Western media with their constant barrage of articles suggesting that mass carnage and bloodshed are ‘a...

Hamas Tunnellers Admit They’re Only Digging to Meet Israeli Girls

Hamas Tunnellers Admit They’re Only Digging to Meet Israeli Girls

A number of the men digging Hamas’ terror tunnels recently confirmed The Mideast Beast’s suspicion that most entered the highly dangerous field mainly in the hope of meeting Israeli girls. “All the time the imams tell us about how Israel is just a den of iniquity and sin,” one digger who preferred we not use his name, told TMB. “Who wouldn’t want some of that action?” A pasty-faced 14-year old who spends 18-hours a day digging admitted to a similar motivation....

Experts Confirm War in Yemen Would Worsen with Fewer Bombs

Experts Confirm War in Yemen Would Worsen with Fewer Bombs

Analysts have agreed with the views of Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, that cutting off the supply of American high explosives to the Saudi Air Force would make the lives of Yemeni civilians immeasurably less bearable. A spokesman for the Department of Defense commented, “You have to understand the average Yemeni now has very little access to free entertainment. The excitement and wonder caused by the sudden roar of a fighter-bomber overhead coupled with the...

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average Americans don’t even know on which continent to start looking. Blow up the USS Cole and watch as the hapless...

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

A severe shortage of suitable ‘throwing stones’ in the West Bank has caused a panic in recent weeks. Citing natural erosion – and decades of stone-throwing by teenagers who should have been in school –Palestinian Authority officials have declared a state of emergency in various cities and towns throughout the West Bank, leaving the IDF and the international community asking: what will they throw next? Speaking to The Mideast Beast, 12-year-old Usman Abu Rahman said, “Without stones to throw, I’m more depressed than ever. Throwing stones at...

ISIS Disappointed to Find Few Middle Easterners in Caravan

ISIS Disappointed to Find Few Middle Easterners in Caravan

With a caravan of Latin American migrants finally reaching the US border, leaders of the Syria-based terrorist group ISIS are reportedly disappointed to see few potential supporters in the group. “We were so excited when Supreme Leader Trump promised that there were criminals and unknown Middle Easterners making their way into the land of the infidels,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “We thought when these mujahedeen finally made it to the border, there would be jihad all over the place.”...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus, most...

Khashoggi Probably Not a Real Person, Trump Says

Khashoggi Probably Not a Real Person, Trump Says

In another effort to absolve the Saudi regime of the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, US President Donald Trump now says that the Washington Post journalist was “probably not even a real person anyway.” “Listen, we have no proof that this Jamal Pierogi (sic) guy even existed,” Trump said after the CIA released a report concluding that Khashoggi did exist and that his murder was ordered by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. “I mean, maybe he was and maybe he...

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep the Jewish People safe from a bunch of anti-tank wielding fanatics and what thanks do I get?” “Sweet fuck all!...

Small Suspicion Jared Peace Plan not Working

Small Suspicion Jared Peace Plan not Working

Leaders in the Middle East have expressed a small but nagging suspicion that President Trump’s son-in-law may not be the greatest peace negotiator to ever walk the earth. Rebecca Aarons of the Israeli Center for ‘Will You Just Stop Doing That Because I Swear We are Going To Come Over and You Are Going to Regret It’, commented, “It’s not that I don’t trust the President when he says that a real estate developer with a frankly mixed record and...