War

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALS Ever Think About Them

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALS Ever Think About Them

During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALS still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALS hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump took office, they were looking forward to more midnight raids by special operations forces, but since January they’ve been feeling…...

Al Qaeda Leader Blasts ISIS in New Memoir

Al Qaeda Leader Blasts ISIS in New Memoir

Saying that Islamic State caused “lasting damage” to the global jihadi movement, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri has unloaded on his ISIS counterparts in a new memoir. “Everything that we did, ISIS just kept trying to one-up us,” Zawahiri complains in the book. “We proposed declaring a caliphate once we unite the lands of Islam, and they said ‘Well, we’ll declare it immediately.’ We proposed killing all the Jews and Christians, and they said, ‘We’ll kill the Shiites too.’” ISIS’s...

Former ISIS Sex Slave Struggles with New Life

Former ISIS Sex Slave Struggles with New Life

Somewhere in Ohio – Djali stands quietly in a grassy field, adjacent to her small house. She stares at the horizon, says nothing, breaking the stillness only to reach down to half-heartedly tug at the browning grass. This is because Djali is a former ISIS sex slave who was freed during the liberation of Mosul. After being taken in by a rescue agency, she now struggles to adapt to her new home on Elderberry Farms. One aid worker recalled Djali’s...

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has instructed lawyers to commence legal action against the state of Texas. A letter sent to Governor Greg Abbott outlines the case, “Our client objects to your attempts to take on the mantle of the birthplace of the ‘end of days’ with your so-called ‘biblical’ flood. It is a well-established fact that the end of the world will only commence within the confines of our region. Read your bible, people!” A spokesperson for the terror...

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, 1912, the Titanic ‘accidentally’ struck an iceberg, killing 1,517 passengers. The Titanic never reached its destination. Because of THE ZIONISTS. What many people don’t know...

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Following North Korea’s recent launch of a missile over northern Japan, Iranian generals have noted to reporters that they are jealous that the ‘Hermit Kingdom’ has begun taking such dramatic action. As tensions soar between North Korea and the US, many of them noted that they were experiencing extreme feelings of ‘FOMO,’ and began to question why their country had ever signed a nuclear deal. “It’s not fair,” General Haziz Ashkan told reporters, “We should have balls like the North...

ISIS Cell Seeks Counseling Over Premature Detonation

ISIS Cell Seeks Counseling Over Premature Detonation

Members of an ISIS terrorist cell are seeking professional counseling after one of their guys prematurely detonated his suicide vest in the bathroom of an underground dance hall, Abu Shakti’s Freedom Cave. During counseling, Muhammed Kadif sentimentally recalled life with his fellow Jihadi, “Kamal was the best in boot camp; he had the stamina of three camels. I remember how he would keep us up all night practicing the 72 prayer positions. He could pray all day and jihad all...

ISIS Makes Good on Threat of Attack of ‘Astronomical Proportion’ against US

ISIS Makes Good on Threat of Attack of ‘Astronomical Proportion’ against US

Islamic State has issued a public statement claiming responsibility for an attack of ‘astronomical proportion’ against the United States, ‘from coast to coast’ on 21 August. According to one ISIS spokesperson, the organization has taken full responsibility for the recent solar eclipse. Military defeats in Iraq and increasing pressure on territorial bases in Syria have led the group to seek new avenues of assault. Sources close to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, told The Mideast Beast that their...

Man Photographed Strapped with AK-47 Shocked to Be Called ‘Radical’ at Hamas Rally

Man Photographed Strapped with AK-47 Shocked to Be Called ‘Radical’ at Hamas Rally

AL-CHARLOTTESVILLE — Photos of Hamas members at a rally are being plastered all over the Internet. One in particular, which has since become the face of the ‘Unite the Fight’ rally, is that of Ibrahim al-Masri, a 21-year old university student from Hebron. He was shocked when he saw a frightening photo of himself screaming and firing his AK into the air on the Internet. Speaking to The Mideast Beast al-Masri commented, “Yes, I am a member of Hamas but...

Netanyahu Hopes Nuclear Armageddon Will Lessen Pressure for Peace Talks

Netanyahu Hopes Nuclear Armageddon Will Lessen Pressure for Peace Talks

Saying that he was “rather optimistic” given the current climate, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is reportedly hopeful that the escalating situation between nuclear-armed North Korea and the United States may obviate the need for peace negotiations with the Palestinians. “I’ve been procrastinating on serious negotiations for years, and frankly I am afraid that I’m running out of excuses,” Netanyahu told The Mideast Beast. “But if I can just somehow put off peace talks for another year or so, I...

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Washington D.C. — New leaks from the White House have revealed that the Trump Administration is fed up with generals who have strong understandings of the cultural, political, and historical nuances of the Middle East. One staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) told reporters, “President Trump is furious because Secretary of Defense Mattis told him that ‘Operation Turn Baghdad into a Parking Lot’ was not a viable strategy. I think it was actually Bannon’s idea, but Trump really had his...

Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations

Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations

A significant rise in international condemnation following Operation Protective Edge has led Netanyahu to fire the man who named the military operation. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, the Israeli premier stated that “Operation Pillar of Defence definitely made it seem like Hamas started it. Protective Edge? We’re not Durex. Of course, we are going to lose the Western public with misnomers like that. Personally, I’m a sucker for Operation Wrath of God. Now that was a classic.” Khaled...

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

Football games will replace limb-severing as the Islamic State’s preferential form of capital punishment for infidels, according to a decree recently issued by the-still-alive ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.  The new practice was agreed upon following the publication of a new study which indicates 99% of professional NFL players sustain permanent degenerative brain injuries as a result of repeated blows to the head. “Like the American health care system, laissez-faire capitalism and McDonald’s, football is a method of infidel self-destruction...

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale

Saying it would be unfair to expect his warriors to sacrifice their lives for Islam before finding out if Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen actually get it on, ISIS spokesman Ahmed al-Lannister announced that the terror group will put off its apocalyptic battle with western infidels until after the popular HBO series “Game of Thrones” concludes. “While the forces of the faithful are eager to martyr themselves to defeat the unbelievers, they cannot enter the kingdom of Allah without first...

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious: despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in painful sores, and going to the toilet is excruciating,” relayed Shapiro. According to Shapiro – who learnt Arabic from her...

Israeli Military Currently Training Saudis How to Play ‘Whack-a-Mole’ in Yemen

Israeli Military Currently Training Saudis How to Play ‘Whack-a-Mole’ in Yemen

The Saudi-led coalition continues its fight against Iranian-backed Houthis in Yemen, and its not going great for either side. According to one Saudi commander, “Let’s face it, while the Houthis are really not top-notch fighters, it turns out we’re also not as good as we thought”. “We figured that since we blame the Zionists for everything anyhow, why not learn one of their tricks and if it backfires we’ll just blame them again. That beauty works every time.” The Saudi commander...

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab leaders meeting in Cairo yesterday confirmed their commitment that the world will end in their region and not over in that upstart North Korea. Saudi Foreign Minister Adel bin-Ahmed al-Jubeir commented, “We’ve been in the end of the world, clash of civilizations, religious smackdown business since Mohammed was in diapers. That punk ass, toilet-brush haircut, chubster Kim Jong-un can suck on a camel if he thinks he gets to jump the queue by threatening Alaska. Alaska? Yeah, you go...

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name it! And everything we were doing was for the glory of God so I just assumed we were the good...

British Protests, Violence Mark 241 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

British Protests, Violence Mark 241 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans celebrate the 241st anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...