War

Media Shocked by Attack from Political Left

Media Shocked by Attack from Political Left

LONDON – After many months of accusations of bias from the political Right, media outlets have been taken by surprise by attacks from the other side of the aisle. UK Labour’s shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott, has lashed out at media over reports that she tweeted a misleading photo regarding  joint US, UK and French air strikes on Syrian military installations.  Ms Abbott has described as “pathetic” criticisms of her photo of a recent US fighter jet strike on Syria.  “Why does it matter...

Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike

Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike

A baffled President Donald Trump has been discussing with close aides how he doesn’t understand “why people are still insisting I’m BFFs with Putin even after I bombed his other BFF.” “I tried everything, but the Fake News Media won’t listen! The minute I said the words ‘Cold War’ everybody in the world, especially poop-faced Mueller, should have stopped doubting my behavior. I’m president, for Christ’s sake!” Confiding in White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Trump revealed that he’d...

Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships

Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships

The Mossad, Israel’s international espionage agency has released a highly trained Kraken to harass and destroy Gazan fishing ships. In a statement released by a Mossad spokesperson, they admitted to previously training sharks to attack Egyptians in the Red sea, as well as eagles to spy on Hezbollah, and of course Flipper Goldstein, the Mossad dolphin to spy on Hamas. The spokesman explained, “Honestly, the naval blockade and constant searching of fishing vessels are getting old and we were really looking to bump things up...

Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute

Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute

GENEVA – In a surprise announcement today, editors of the largest satirical news websites have declared that they are forming a new international organization with the central mission of “maintenance of international peace and security”.  Following the UN decision to make Syria the head of their chemical weapons watchdog, just days after Assad’s alleged chemical attack in Ghouta, the conglomerate said: “Since the UN seems to be doing our job, it’s time we did theirs – it’s not like they’re...

Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write

Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write

The Mideast Beast is your trusted source for front-line reporting on the Middle East, a publication of unimpeachable journalistic integrity that holds itself to the highest standards of meticulous coverage and astute analysis. In fact, unlike other, slower news outlets, we don’t even have to wait for the news to happen to deliver a comprehensive report of them to our readers. This is made possible through TMB’s unrivaled network of intrepid on-location reporters who would sleep with anyone, as many times as...

Comey Not in Syria

Comey Not in Syria

Reports in from the overnight strikes on Syria have confirmed that James Comey was not hit. The Mideast Beast understands that President Trump authorized the attacks after reading a later-deleted tweet from the Fox and Friends account stating that the former FBI Director would be kicking off his book tour in Damascus. The tweet did not make clear that this would be Damascus, Virginia. Meanwhile, air defenses over Iran were reportedly on high alert following a favorable Yelp review by...

White Walkers Picket Wall

White Walkers Picket Wall

The Night’s Watch have been criticised by leading human rights organizations for their attacks on peaceful White Walkers picnicking the Wall.  The Wall is recognized as the border by all nations throughout Westeros, Essos, and Sotheryos, however, it is not recognized by the White Walkers. Senator Bernie Saunders has criticized the Crows’ tactics saying that use of Dragons Glass is disproportional. “The White Walkers are the victims here”, Saunders said, “even if they are the victims of other White Walkers who turned...

Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists

Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists

Impressed by reports of Israeli snipers gunning down Palestinian journalists, US President Donald Trump has asked Israel’s government for advice on how to deal with hostile media. “When I so much as hint at offing a nosy reporter or point out that CNN is the enemy of the American people, everyone goes through the roof,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “But those Jews can just pick off whoever they want and get away with it.” Israel has come under fire...

Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time

Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time

Following last week’s “March of Return” in Gaza, Palestinians say they are almost positive that this time marching, burning tires, and throwing rocks will pressure Israel to concede to their demands. One protester explained, “Both my father and grandfather marched and threw rocks before me, and I proudly carry on this 70-year tradition. But, I am happy to say that I truly believe that this is the last year. Inshallah, 2018 will be the year that throwing rocks over the...

World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply

World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply

TEL AVIV –  The Mideast Beast has recently discovered that The World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to Israelis’ and Palestinians’ water supply. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no one in Israel or Palestine seems bothered by the move. WHO spokeswoman, Dr. Jamie Gagglenuts, delivered an official and concise statement on why the WHO took such drastic steps: “the unofficial consensus within...

Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect

Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect

The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun of us and say we’re not real pilots, but we really do suffer. Our chairs don’t come with cup holders,...

IDF Confirms: “We Shoot Kids Just to Keep the Debate Going”

IDF Confirms: “We Shoot Kids Just to Keep the Debate Going”

An IDF spokesperson has confirmed that they only use live rounds when they feel things have become a little too comfortable. “We’ve got a friend in the White House who’s one tweet away from leveling Tehran and we’ve ordered all the party food for when they move their embassy to Jerusalem. But to be frank all that good news leaves us with an aching sense that we could get into a rut.” “Thank the Lord for Hamas, we can always...

Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing

Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing

Islamic State leaders are blaming an increase in the availability of high quality Internet porn for their inability to recruit enough volunteer suicide bombers. Speaking exclusively to The Mideast Beast (TMB), ISIS’ Director of the Head Separation Techniques Department admitted that the problem had become so acute that the organization has needed to put a new recruitment drive in place. “It used to be that the promise of 72 virgins in paradise would be enough to motivate any hairy palmed onanist...

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

A severe shortage of suitable ‘throwing stones’ in the West Bank has caused a panic in recent weeks. Citing natural erosion – and decades of stone-throwing by teenagers who should have been in school –Palestinian Authority officials have declared a state of emergency in various cities and towns throughout the West Bank, leaving the IDF and the international community asking: what will they throw next? Speaking to The Mideast Beast, 12-year-old Usman Abu Rahman said, “Without stones to throw, I’m more depressed than ever. Throwing stones at...

UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”

UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, announced that the United Nations will assert its authority over the Middle East by declaring the region a “gun-free zone.” The announcement, effective immediately, intends to address the threat posed by armed groups, militias, rogue governments, terror cells, criminal networks, Israeli settlers, Israeli Merkava 3’s, Israeli Merkava 4’s, Israeli F-15’s, Israeli F-16’s, Mossad hybrid attack dolphins, Nerve Gas in Syria, Russian Mercenaries, the ‘totally in control’ Iranian Nuclear program, Premature Suicide detonations, Sinai Camel Pirates, Sunni...

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Sources within Mossad, Israel’s national intelligence agency, have confirmed to The Mideast Beast that it has better things to worry about than Britain’s Leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, and that on balance he isn’t the biggest existential threat to the State of Israel. “Iran continues to race towards possession of nuclear weapons, ISIS is still around, and the Syrian army continues taking out its frustrations on its own people. So with all that in mind we don’t consider the ramblings of some...

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mates right before their souls meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

In a bold move made in response to President Trump’s upcoming meeting with the North Korean dictator, former Secretary of State John Kerry has demanded Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un turn over all its nuclear weapons to the Islamic Republic of Iran. “If Rocket Man is serious about avoiding war with America, he is going to have to turn over all his nukes to the only person in the world that we can truly trust,” Kerry declared as he boarded a...

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Osama was a household name across much of the world. Everyone talked about him and...

ISIS Advice To NRA: ‘Semi-Automatic Rifles Not Enough to Overthrow American Tyrant”

ISIS Advice To NRA: ‘Semi-Automatic Rifles Not Enough to Overthrow American Tyrant”

In an open letter to NRA President Wayne LaPierre, top ISIS leadership has expressed concern that AR-15s may not be enough to defend average Americans from the threat of tyrannical government. It reads in part: “Hi man, al-Baghdadi here. Just wanted to take some time out from running the caliphate to hit you with some truth bombs. I hope they won’t hurt as much as the 500lb Paveway IV laser guided bad boys that the USAF keeps throwing around. And...