War

‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say

‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say

Radical Islamic terrorists from across the Middle East are calling it quits following the death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, with all agreeing that the time has come to abandon jihad and accept Western values. “Listen, we had a really good run blowing stuff up and beheading Americans while we recreated the world of Muhammad and the rightly guided caliphs,” one former ISIS fighter said as he sipped on a can of Coca-Cola. “But let’s face it. Our Caliph...

Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy

Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy

Special forces Belgian Malinois, ‘Classified’ has been named by President Trump as his new envoy to the Middle East. The very good puppy was selected for the position following his key role in the death of ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi earlier this week. A spokesman for the President commented, “Loyal without question, willing to do anything for a belly rub, and at his happiest curled at the end of the President’s bed. These are just some of the qualities...

ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals

ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals

With the terror group’s leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, reportedly dead in a US raid, members of the Islamic State are begging US President Donald Trump to stop sending mixed signals. “First, you finally ditch those Kurds that have been killing us for years and let thousands of our prisoners break free,” one ISIS executive told The Mideast Beast. “Then just when we think you are really committed to working things out, you go and kill our best terrorist! It’s enough...

Kurds to Carry Out Mass Suicide as Revenge on Trump’s Syria Withdrawal

Kurds to Carry Out Mass Suicide as Revenge on Trump’s Syria Withdrawal

Billing it as the biggest “fuck you” of the century, Kurdish president Nechirvan Barzani announced that all Kurds will take part in a mass suicide parade to be held outside some U.S. Morning Show over the weekend. “In response to Trump abandoning us, all Kurds are advised to kill themselves and their children publicly this Saturday, just to double check that President Trump really doesn’t give a shit,” Barzani posted on Facebook. “We’re pretty sure that Trump left us to...

Ethnic Cleansings ‘Good and Easy to Win,’ Trump Says

Ethnic Cleansings ‘Good and Easy to Win,’ Trump Says

With his decision to pull troops out of Syria already forcing 250,000 Kurds to flee their homes, US President Donald Trump is now calling himself a “genocide man” and bragging that “ethnic cleansings are good, and easy to win!” “This ethnic cleansing is going to be tremendous for the Kurds, great for America, and really just great for civilization,” Trump told reporters as he boarded Air Force One. “Anyone who says that the Kurds don’t want to be slaughtered or...

ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph

ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph

The Islamic State has made US President Donald Trump the first non-Muslim to earn the title of “Honorary Caliph,” celebrating the American leader for helping to free more than 1,000 ISIS fighters. The distinction came after Trump announced that he would withdraw all forces from northern Syria, abandoning his Kurdish forces which long stood as the greatest threat to ISIS. Within days, thousands of Islamic State fighters had been freed from prison, paving the way for the terror group to...

Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms

Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms

In a dramatic reversal, leading Democrats are now supporting President Donald Trump’s sudden withdrawal from Syria’s Kurdish regions after it was revealed that the Kurdish government does not require businesses to operate gender-neutral bathrooms. Trump’s decision to pull troops and allow Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to invade the region had prompted bipartisan outrage, particularly after reports emerged of heavy civilian casualties. But that began to change after video of the Turkish onslaught showed a Kurdish business with restrooms clearly...

Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus

Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus

Facing increasing criticism over his decision to abandon his Kurdish allies despite their key role in the fight against ISIS, US President Donald Trump now claims his decision stems from the Kurds’ refusal to intervene in the execution of Jesus nearly 2,000 years. Trump first claimed that the Kurds had not fought alongside Americans during the invasion of Normandy, justifying his recent betrayal. But when it was pointed out that Kurds were thousands of miles away from the European theater...

‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags

‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags

Declaring that he was “absolutely tremendous” at betraying his country’s most loyal allies, US President Donald Trump declared in a press conference that he was the most prolific leader in US history at fucking over the Kurds. “Frankly, a lot of presidents were really pathetic when it came to convincing the Kurds to risk their lives on our behalves, and then leaving them to be slaughtered as soon as we didn’t need them anymore,” Trump told reporters. “A lot of...

NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass

NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass

The NBA has demanded an apology from Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey after his tweet criticizing Syria’s Bashar al-Assad nearly caused the strongman to cancel his cable subscription. The controversy arose after Morey tweeted, “Wishing for peace in Syria, and an end to the senseless killing.” Assad responded angrily, writing in a strongly worded letter to NBA Commissioner Adam Silver that he was “seriously considering cancelled my subscription to the NBA League Pass and leaving a negative review on...

Hamas Environment Minister Vows to Cut Tire Burning 20% by 2030

Hamas Environment Minister Vows to Cut Tire Burning 20% by 2030

In one of the region’s most ambitious initiatives to address climate change, Hamas Minister of the Environment Ahmet al-Buluti has vowed to reduce tire-burning emissions 20% by 2030. “We must all do our part to confront the reality of global warming, and these targets will be an important step towards reducing our carbon footprint,” al-Buluti said in a press conference. “By 2050, we hope to cut tire-burning emissions in half, because all nations must make sacrifices to ensure that our...

Tiffany Trump Claims Responsibility for Saudi Bombings

Tiffany Trump Claims Responsibility for Saudi Bombings

After a week of Donald Trump focusing all of his attention on the oil bombings in Saudi Arabia, Tiffany Trump has claimed responsibility for the attacks in the fleeting hope that her dad might finally notice her. Tiffany, known by her close friends as “Not the Worst Trump” and by her father as “Who?”, confessed on Instagram Live to using a sophisticated combination of drone and cruise missiles to target the Saudi Arabian oil facilities. According to sources close to...

Zionist Overlords Proud of Investment in Saudi Oil Attack

Zionist Overlords Proud of Investment in Saudi Oil Attack

Following the alleged claims that Iran was behind last week’s attack on the oil production facilities in Saudi Arabia, the world’s Zionist Overlords admit that they, in fact, were the ones behind it all. “So we made a couple extra bucks on oil price increases, big whoop,” an Elderly spokesperson wrote in a tweet Monday night. “We never expected it to lead to Trump threatening war with Iran. That was just an added bonus.” In a tweet posted over the...

ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels

ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels

Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing them with fruity vapes. In this new operation, code named, Jihadist Ultimate Undoing of Lungs (JUUL), the insurgency group will be able...

John Bolton Joins Hamas

John Bolton Joins Hamas

Former National Security Advisor, John Bolton, is understood to have joined Hamas early today.  A press release from the organisation stated; “We’ve kept our eye on Mr. Bolton for a long time now and we were excited to hear he had been released from his contract by the Trump administration. We’ve been big fans since his enthusiasm for the Iraq war, well let’s face it any kind of war. I think it’s fair to say that we and many organizations...

Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out

Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out

Yesterday, Israeli agents joined the world in commemorating the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 18 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us to not only call but ensure that 4,000 Jews did not go to work that fateful morning. I remember how complex it was to both rig the towers for...

Assad Debuts Pumpkin Spice Poison Gas for Autumn

Assad Debuts Pumpkin Spice Poison Gas for Autumn

Looking to add a seasonal flavor to his war crimes, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will begin using pumpkin spice poison gas after Labor Day. “As a gift to the Syrian people, civilians hit with sarin, chlorine, sulfur and mustard gas this fall will detect a hint of sweet pumpkin,” Assad said in a public statement. “What better way to welcome the new season than to take in the scent of pumpkin spice with your last breaths?” Assad...

IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time

IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time

Beqaa Valley, Lebanon — The Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and Hezbollah have been forced to admit their highly publicized conflict has in fact been a total fraud. An IDF spokesman confirmed, “Yep, the jig is up. The dummy soldiers spotted this week are really just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the last decades of conflict have been faked through a cunning combination of the effects team from Industrial Light and Magic, truckloads of fireworks, and of course all...

Iran Claims It Needs Nuclear Weapons to Fight Hurricanes

Iran Claims It Needs Nuclear Weapons to Fight Hurricanes

Following news that President Donald Trump had suggested using nuclear bombs to stop hurricanes from hitting the US, the Iranian regime is now insisting that its nuclear weapons program is in fact aimed at protecting the country from severe weather events. “We said all along that our nuclear program was peaceful,” Iranian President Hassan Rouhani told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, we were planning on building a nuclear bomb all along, but not to nuke the US or Israel. We just...

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it was a Mosque, so I was pretty upset, but then I saw that it was a school promoting coexistence, and...