War

Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests
,

Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests

New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo has claimed responsibility for the assassination of top Iranian nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, telling reporters he had no choice but to order the killing after he learned that Fakhrizadeh planned to host more than ten guests at a dinner party that evening. Cuomo said intelligence sources inside Iran witnessed the scientist pickup up a...

Israel Suspected Behind Death of Top Iranian Nunchuck Specialist
,

Israel Suspected Behind Death of Top Iranian Nunchuck Specialist

In another blow to Iran’s weapons programs, the country’s leading designer of nunchucks has been assassinated, with Israel suspected of carrying out the operation. Basir Latifi, the mastermind behind Iran’s advanced nunchuck program, was gunned down while exiting his car in downtown Tehran. Though no group or country has officially taken responsibility, the gunmen were seen wearing kippot (skull caps)...

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business
,

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon.com is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, stroked his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this...

UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again
,

UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again

In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, underpaid...

France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists
,

France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists

Following the terrorist attacks in Paris last November, which claimed 129 lives, the recent capture of suspect Salah Abdeslam, and the most recent attack in Nice killing over 80 people, French President François Hollande announced his intention of finding his inner-Robespierre and employing the guillotine to execute ISIS or ISIS-linked terrorists. “While we have not beheaded anyone in a really, really...

Armenia, Azerbaijan Agree to Truce After Kendall Jenner Shows Up with Pepsi
,

Armenia, Azerbaijan Agree to Truce After Kendall Jenner Shows Up with Pepsi

A truce has been reached in the conflict over Nagorno-Karabakh, as both Armenia and Azerbaijan agreed to a ceasefire after reality television star Kendall Jenner arrived at the battlefield with Pepsi. Armenian and Azerbaijani troops were lined up across from each other on the battlefield, with each country’s forces waiting for the other to fire the first shot. But seconds...

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invade Lebanon
,

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invade Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, and just prior to maritime border talks with the Lebanese government, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Sunday morning (GMT+2). Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah remains stretched thin,...

Biden Noncommittal on Launching Drone Strike Against Supreme Court
,

Biden Noncommittal on Launching Drone Strike Against Supreme Court

Insisting that he did not want to see the question become an issue in the upcoming presidential election, former Vice President Joe Biden refused Saturday to reveal whether he plans to authorize a drone strike against the US Supreme Court. Since the death of Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Biden has faced increasing pressure to commit to taking out the...

US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan
,

US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan

Despite promising to withdraw the majority of the troops stationed in Afghanistan at varying points during his presidency, Trump has ordered thousands of troops to remain in the country, due to increased Taliban presence.  While this decision may have had more detractors a few months ago, everyone suddenly seems very supportive of the decision. Most of the troops that The...

Erdogan, Khamenei to Resolve Azerbaijan-Armenia Dispute in Cage Match
,

Erdogan, Khamenei to Resolve Azerbaijan-Armenia Dispute in Cage Match

Looking to avoid a proxy fight that would cost the lives of hundreds or thousands of soldiers and civilians, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei have agreed to resolve the dispute between Armenia and Azerbaijan through a steel cage match between the two leaders. If Erdogan wins the match by either pinning his opponent or...

9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits
,

9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits

Al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001 were not intended as an act of terrorism but were in fact a failed attempt at a dramatic gender reveal, senior leaders of the terror group acknowledged. The now-waterlogged al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, was looking to announce the sex of his daughter, Safiyah,...

Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys
, ,

Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys

Democratic congresswomen Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib have begrudgingly come out in support of the far-right anti-government “Boogaloo Boys” movement after members of the group were arrested for providing material support for Hamas. Omar and Tlaib, sporting Hawaiian shirts and camouflage pants, announced their backing of the group in a press conference Tuesday. “We aren’t fans of their white supremacy...

Assad Considering a Return to Ophthalmology
,

Assad Considering a Return to Ophthalmology

After a week of introspection, Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad has announced that despite the genuine criminal effort he put into clinging to power, he’s experiencing career burnout and will be returning to his ophthalmic practice in London by the end of this year. During the press conference the dictator stated that although he loves his country, he’s been fighting off...

Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’
, ,

Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’

*Reposted as a timely #ThrowBack article (originally posted in 2016)*   Washington, D.C. — He says he would have prevented the 9/11 attacks, he’s criticized Senator John McCain for being captured during the Vietnam War, and presidential republican nominee Donald Trump shows no signs of backing down, as Trump yesterday blasted all Iraq war veterans as “a bunch of pussies...

Assad: I Could Have Just Dismantled the Post Office?
,

Assad: I Could Have Just Dismantled the Post Office?

Looking over the ruins of what was once Syria, Assad expressed dismay this week as he realized that he could have held onto despotic power by simply dismantling the post office. Although the murderous dictator would never openly admit fault, sources close to the former ophthalmologist say that he feels like “a bit of an idiot” this week after observing...