The TSA’s strict prohibitions against bringing liquids and creams over 3.4 ounces onto U.S. flights has paid off, as a plot by al Qaeda agents to excessively brush their teeth in the airplane lavatory during domestic flights has been foiled. “In light of the statement in the TSA Guidelines that liquids, aerosols, gels, creams and pastes over 3.4 ounces will...
A series of angry tweets by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has sent ISIS fighters running for the hills, as tweets promising to be “tough” against ISIS and to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” have the terrorist group in a panic. “Sheikh Donald has promised toughness and vigilance and said that the infidels must be smart,” one terrified ISIS...
Star rapist Stanford student Brock Turner has become a household name this week, but in the way a pus-filled hemorrhoid or sickening growth needs to be dealt with, preferably with some kind of disinfecting agent. Caught treating an unconscious woman like the wading pool he takes a few laps in from time to time, and then succeeding to dodge proper...
As chaos and civil war continues to grow in the Middle East, Middle Eastern leaders have gathered in honor of Ramadan, in attempt to restore order and quell tensions during the holy month. “By following the last four episodes of GOT Season 6, which Allah has so generously brought forth to us to coincide with our holy month, we will...
Inspired by his new hero Dan Turner, father of convicted Stanford rapist Brock Turner, a father of a captured ISIS fighter recently published a letter in attempt to appeal to an Iraqi judge who sentenced his son Ahmed to life imprisonment. Exclusive to The Mideast Beast, here is the letter in full: “I am writing this letter to tell you...
Three Minnesota residents, Guled Ali Omar, Abdirahman Yasin Daud, and Mohamed Abdihamid Farah were all convicted of conspiracy to murder overseas, provide material support to a terrorist organization and a slew of other charges in connection with their attempts to join ISIS. While many in the Minneapolis Somali community have wondered why they would want to join the violent terrorist...
Looking to raise awareness and concern over the flood of rockets launched from the Gaza Strip for the past decade, Israel has decided to place gorillas throughout the communities and neighboring towns surrounding Gaza. “For years we’ve highlighted the deaths of innocent men, women, and children from these rockets, but people throughout Europe and on college campuses in the U.S....
The U.S. delivered a knockout blow in its decade-and-a-half “War on Terror”, killing Mahmoud al-Hassami, the last remaining terrorist in the world, in a drone strike in Yemen’s Abyan province. “While it’s been an arduous process, we knew all along that there were a finite number of terrorists out there and it was just a matter of time before we...
Since Yemen’s downward spiral into Miley Cyrus levels of chaos, destruction and twerking, people are now fleeing the country, forcing the Islamic State to deal with a new problem: immigration. “We’ve always had an ‘open door’ policy with foreigners. But now that they’re coming from the South of the Caliphate rather than places like Europe, we kind of have a...
In a move that has alarmed U.S. officials and raised concerns over a potential nuclear breakout, the Islamic Republic Iran has begun importing large quantities of 1970s-era floppy disks. “There is only one possible use for these items, and that is to store information essential to controlling a nuclear arsenal,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said in a news...
While many Americans have been hypnotized by the interminable coverage of Hillary Clinton’s email security snafus, other damaging details have recently come to light regarding the US government’s notorious vibe of technological illiteracy. According to a new report, the Pentagon is still relying upon computing systems from the 1970’s that require floppy disks to coordinate intercontinental ballistic missiles and nuclear bombers....
Following news that Lego toys are becoming increasingly more violent, Israel and Egypt have demanded the toy be added to their foreign military aid packages from the US. IDF spokesmen Yuval ben-Zion said; “We are determined to keep a quantified edge over any potential opponent, and with this news that Lego is basically just a brightly colored arms bazar, we...
The Israeli government has sent a strongly worded complaint to its counter parts in Syria after discovering they have been left out of the latest round of blame assigning, for the second time in at least two weeks. “Wow, what’s a Zionist gotta do to get some love round here?” the message reads in part. It continues; “We’re not saying...
Senior Israeli Intelligence officials were witnesses to a highly unusual interrogation late last night, when Hamas members were observed using aggressive interrogation techniques on a number of unsuspecting victims. The two men were caught on camera running around an open field in the dark, yelling at, and sometimes striking, various trees and rocks. Intelligence translators determined that the pair was...
In a ‘defense’ move that the Foreign Press Association blasted as collective punishment and a violation of press freedom, the Israeli government, now under the direction of its new Defense Minister, the hardline and slightly chubby Avigdor Lieberman, finally ordered the demolition of several CNN offices Wednesday after the network provided “inaccurate and biased coverage” of a November 2014 terror attack in...
*Choose one of the options in the parentheses* For centuries, my ancestors lived in the ancient land of (Israel/Palestine). They lived there peacefully until they were driven out by colonizers who stole the land from them. Since that time, my people have suffered terribly at the hands of the (Israelis/Palestinians). What complicates the issue is that the (Israelis/Palestinians) believe...
Citing Florida neighborhood watch coordinator George Zimmerman as his inspiration, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has decided to auction off the shells used to gas to death thousands of Syrian civilians. On websites advertising the shells, Assad described the artillery as “a piece of Syrian history.” “I am honored and humbled to announce the sale of a Syrian military icon,” Assad’s...
Nearly 8 million Israelis fell into the face-palm position as Minister of Parliament and Head of ‘The Jewish House’ political party proclaimed, “The people of Israel have changed and they want more Judaism, more values and more of the Land of Israel.” In one sentence, the right-wing, ultra-national shot fear into the hearts of secular Israeli Jews, Israeli Arab Muslims and Christians,...
Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei told reporters he was pleasantly surprised by recent political developments in the United States, noting that Americans had seemingly gotten over their fear of allowing an irrational, unhinged, and bigoted madman to possess nuclear weapons. “I had been under the impression that Americans, and especially Republicans, were dead-set against letting a mentally disturbed fanatic with...
In a hard-hitting report Amnesty International has uncovered what many feared, some Palestinians are just complete dicks. Human rights commentator Darren Wild said, “We had all been hoping this wasn’t true and that we could hold onto our belief that all Palestinians were either simple goat herders, toddlers or poets. But sadly it seems that a small minority of them...
