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BREAKING Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate
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Trump Dangles Gold Coin, Potato Latke in Bid for Jewish Votes
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White House Confirms: Only Poor Muslims Can Be Terrorists
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US Cuts Off Relations With Israel After Netanyahu Buys Trump a Peloton
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Egypt’s Sisi Supports Trump’s Impeachment After Hearing that it is a ‘Coup’
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Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
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Iran Mistakenly Cracks Down on Hong Kong Protests
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Human Rights Watch Praises Iran for Only Killing Shitty Civilians
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Hamas Feels Betrayed as Israel Cheats with Islamic Jihad
Bloomberg’s Mideast Peace Plan Gives $1m to All Non-Terrorists
In an ambitious blueprint towards an Israeli-Palestinian peace agreement, Democratic presidential candidate and former NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg has proposed giving $1 million of his personal fortune to any Palestinian that agrees not to be a terrorist. Speaking at his campaign launch, Bloomberg said a final status agreement is possible if both sides have sufficient incentives, which he will provide from his $52 billion bank account. In addition to his stipend to Palestinian non-terrorists, Bloomberg would allow payouts to settlers...
Giuliani Offers to Take Fall for Netanyahu Too
Former Mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani has offered to admit to an Israeli court that he has been running a back-channel operation receiving money and gifts from wealthy donors without the knowledge of Prime Minister Netanyahu. A spokesman for Mr. Giuliani commented, “Rudy has already accepted that he will be the blood sacrifice for the latest episode of ‘Shit the GOP is ready to swallow’, so he thinks why not go for the two-for-one. And frankly what’s really worse?...
Chick-fil-A Begins Donating to Hezbollah in Effort to Please Far Left
After ending donations to two controversial Christian charities, fast food chain Chick-fil-A is looking to gain additional left-wing customers by instead giving the funds to Islamist militant group Hezbollah. Officials from the Georgia-based fried chicken joint privately called the decision a win-win. “These contributions have somehow increased our support among progressives, who see Hezbollah as a like-minded organization,” one Chick-fil-A executive told The Mideast Beast. “At the same time, we can continue doing what we love – giving money to...
Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow BDSM Kit
In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and ankles and let UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn spank him with a matching paddle. “With Allah as our witness, we...
BDS Students Boycott Potential for Nuance
After a slew of protests at American colleges, the Students for BDS movement declared this week that boycotting Israel now includes blocking any potential for nuanced thought. In what’s being labelled “brave” by sociology professors across the country, Students have reached the pinnacle of non-violent protest: never causing any mental pain to themselves. Merely banning material things is too capitalist, and therefore the only true boycott is on thought. Also “thinking” itself can be pretty stressful. Middle East watchers have...
Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has begun arresting reporters for People magazine on terrorism charges after the publication once again passed him over for its annual ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ award. Within minutes of the magazine awarding singer and EGOT winner John Legend the honor for 2019, Erdogan’s forces had hauled away dozens of journalists and staff members, calling them enemies of the state. “These terrorists are trying to destroy Turkey and its citizens by stealing this award, which I clearly...
Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran
Following the overwhelming success of his first book Triggered, Donald Trump Jr., the Trump kid voted most likely to have a dead stripper in the trunk of his Lincoln Town Car three years in a row, has announced that his next project will be a detailed analysis of the Koran and its meaning in the modern world. A spokesman commented, “It’s important that people appreciate that Mr Trump Jr. not only has unique insights into the world of politics but...
Former Al Qaeda Jihadist Disappointed He Didn’t Qualify for Veterans Day Sales
Calling it a “disgusting act of Islamophobia,” former Al Qaeda jihadist Mohammad al-Baktar, who now refers to himself as Martin Brown, was rejected from participating in any of his local malls’ Veterans Day sales. “I cannot believe that this is happening in 2019,” Mr. Brown said during an interview with one reporter from The Mideast Beast. “Back in Afghanistan I was promised the perks of martyrdom, which I guess is good after death. However, I came to the United States...
Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel
Former Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, has confirmed that in the highly unlikely outcome that his potential third attempt to become US President is unsuccessful he is more than willing to step in to lead Israel. A spokesman for Mr Bloomberg commented, “It’s clearly a longshot because we all recognize how amazingly successful independent candidates have been in presidential campaigns. Come on we all remember Perot and the other one……… However, if against all odds it doesn’t work out...
Trump Asks Turkey to Invade Mexico
Insisting that someone must do something about gang violence that now threatens US citizens, President Donald Trump has called on his Turkish counterpart, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, to send troops into Mexico. “These murderous gangs have been wreaking havoc on innocent families in Mexico and now America, and the only way to stop them is to confront them with overwhelming force,” Trump declared during a press conference. “This is a job for the best fighting force the world has ever known...