Iran’s Supreme Leader: At Heart, I Am a Social Justice Warrior

Iran’s Supreme Leader: At Heart, I Am a Social Justice Warrior

Following the killing of George Floyd, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has tried to show that he is really into social justice, tweeting, “If you’re dark-skinned walking in the US, you can’t be sure you’ll be alive in the next few minutes. #ICan’tBreathe, #BlackLivesMatter”. He then dove headfirst into slavery, saying it “is one of the tragic events in history. They used to sail ships from the Atlantic Ocean and anchor on the coast of West African countries, such as Gambia...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind most western countries despite all of the media hype. We’re just way, way, way behind.” “We want to create a...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Trump Bans Roger Daltrey in Escalation of Conflict with the WHO

Trump Bans Roger Daltrey in Escalation of Conflict with the WHO

Stepping up his attacks on the World Health Organization, US President Donald Trump has banned Roger Daltrey, the front man for the British rock band The Who, from entering the country. “The WHO is totally doing the bidding of China and has been very unfair to me, and a lot of people are telling me that this Roger guy is the leader of the WHO,” Trump said during his daily news briefing Saturday. “I’ve already cut off funding for the...

POC Reporters Ask for a Relocation to Iraq and Syria

POC Reporters Ask for a Relocation to Iraq and Syria

The leading group of black journalists in the U.S. has made a public plea for newsrooms across the country to relocate POC reporters (People of Color) to safer locales such as Syria, Iraq, Yemen, or even North Korea. The National Association of Black Journalists (NABJ) made the request via a public Facebook post minutes after a black-hispanic CNN reporter was arrested on live television. Omar Jimenez was rightfully covering riots and protests that broke out in response to the police...

God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet

God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet

In the US, Americans are demanding that they be allowed to go back to worshiping in churches, and in Israel, the Chief Rabbi is demanding that synagogues and other religious institutions be opened. Everyone is ready to get back to religious observance except for one important figure: God The Almighty One, blessed be He says that he is just not ready to go back to working from the office yet, and that he really enjoyed the last two months on...

Iraq Obtains 99-year Hong Kong Lease, Promises Democracy and Prosperity

Iraq Obtains 99-year Hong Kong Lease, Promises Democracy and Prosperity

China has granted Iraq a 99-year lease for Hong Kong after the Baghdad regime promised to deliver “democracy, peace and prosperity” to the former British colony. The surprising development comes on the heels of ongoing US-Chinese tensions over Hong Kong’s status as autonomous from mainland China. China’s prominent human rights champion turned foreign minister Wang Yi, spoke to The Mideast Beast while tenderly wiping out the remaining stubborn pockets of Tibetan resistance. “Democracy, freedom, and human rights have always been...

Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas Ends all Agreements with Gravity

Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas Ends all Agreements with Gravity

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas announced that he is cutting off all ties with gravity. Abbas introduced the new policy in a meandering address from his palace in Ramallah. The canceling of all agreements with gravity comes days after Abbas announced that he is cutting off all ties with Israel, the two moves are interpreted as part of the same larger policy. “I think he’s really into making big announcements that he either can’t and won’t pull through with” said Omar...

Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive

Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive

Syrian President, and Russia’s personal puppet, Bashar Assad held an anticipatory memorial day for Syrians that he hasn’t killed yet. It comes on the heels of an unmasked President Trump and a masked Joe Biden who marked America’s Memorial Day this past Monday. An emotional Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from his recently revealed Damascus Institute for Inclusive Corona Takeaway Lab. “I mourn 24/7 for my beloved Syrian people, especially the scrappy ones who are still with us. After...

Assad Resigns as Syrian President to Launch Podcast

Assad Resigns as Syrian President to Launch Podcast

Inspired by comedian Joe Rogan’s $100 million deal with Spotify, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad says he will resign his position as president to focus on launching a news and culture podcast. It is not clear what will happen when Assad, whose efforts to cling to power have left to more than half a million dead, exits politics, as the strongman has no clear successor. But Assad did tell reporters that his podcast, to be called “The Kids Are Alawite,” will...

Captured ISIS Commander: We Were Misunderstood Boy Scouts

Captured ISIS Commander: We Were Misunderstood Boy Scouts

Iraq recently announced that it had captured senior ISIS Commander Abdul Nasser Qardash. The Mideast Beast managed to speak briefly to Qardash over Zoom about his views of the terrorist organization of which he formed a central part. “ISIS was completely misunderstood”, said Qardash, “All we ever wanted, and our late leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi made this abundantly clear, was to dress up in fancy Boy Scout uniforms, sell cookies and other cool stuff at jamborees, earn our Citizenship in...