In Nod to Texas, Jeremy Corbyn Volunteers to Write ‘Opposing View’ of Holocaust Books
With a Texas school district under fire for telling teachers to offer an “opposing view” to books about the Holocaust, a former British opposition leader has stepped in to save the day. Jeremy Corbyn, who led the UK’s Labour Party from 2015 to 2020, said that he has flown out to Texas and begun work on a series of books...
Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It
In another move aimed at supporting the anti-Israel BDS movement, Irish author Sally Rooney announced that she will double the price of her new novel to prevent Jews, notoriously stingy, from buying the book. Determined to ensure her book is not read by any Israelis or Zionists, Rooney already refused to allow her book to be translated into Hebrew. But...
Looking to Cash In on Nostalgia, God to Release Sequel to New Testament
In a move that some fans of the originals are calling a cash grab, prominent author God announced he will release a long-awaited sequel to his 100 AD smash hit ‘The Bible.’ After penning the wildly popular Hebrew Bible and New Testament, God has long resisted making another installment in the series even as works of fan fiction including The...
Brian Laundrie Lands Job at Saudi Consulate
Disgraced Instagram influencer and suspect murderer Brian Laundrie has re-emerged after a month in hiding and is now working as a visa processor at Saudi Arabia’s consulate in Miami. Laundrie, who is suspected of killing girlfriend Gabby Petito during a cross-country trip this summer, was believed to have either fled or to be in hiding. But it turns out Laundrie...
Trump Backs Anti-Sinema Protesters: ‘It’s Fine to Follow Women into the Bathroom’
Left-wing protestors who angrily followed Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema into a restroom over her opposition to a $3.5 trillion spending bill have an unexpected ally: former President Donald Trump. “Of course it’s fine to follow women in the bathroom against their will,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “How else are you supposed to grab them by the pussy?” Trump also...
Mormons Shocked to Learn Mount Sinai Not Really in Nebraska
Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been shocked by the recent discovery that Mount Sinai, the spot where Moses received the ten commandments from God, was in fact in modern day Saudi Arabia and not in Banner County, Nebraska as previously believed. Archeologists now say that the Jabal Maqula mountain in northwestern Saudi Arabia is...
Brian Laundrie Killed by US Special Forces in Pakistan
Suspected murderer Brian Laundrie was killed Thursday night by US special forces while hiding out at his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, President Biden announced in a special address to the nation. Laundrie, who was believed to be behind the death of girlfriend Gabby Petito, had somehow managed to slip past American troops in Florida and make his way through the...
Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career
White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client. “You expect to get away from it...
AOC Proposes Funding Recycled “Bamboo Dome” for Israel
Calling the Iron Dome missile defense system an environmental nightmare, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is now recommending the US instead fund the carbon-neutral “recycled Bamboo Dome.” Her suggestion came in a long Instagram post defending her “present” vote on funding the Iron Dome. “A lot of people are like, ‘well you voted against building a dome over Israel to stop the...
Equality! Taliban Bans Biological Males and Biological Females from Participating in Women’s Sports
Much like a six-foot tall Army Special Forces soldier wrestling a lady, sports organizations around the world have been wrestling with the contentious issue of transgender athletes in women’s sports. Those opposed to the idea argue that differences in size, hormones, and bone density make it unsafe for transgender athletes and cisgender athletes to compete against one another. While other...
California Inspiration! Taliban Opponents Launch Recall Effort
Motivated by California Republicans’ failed effort to recall Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom, Afghans opposed to Taliban rule have launched their own recall petition to throw the Islamist group out of office. The petition already has more than 30 million signatures, including every woman in the country. While Taliban rule has been met with opposition since the militant group took over...
White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai
“The Israel-Palestinian conflict really has no simple solution. Like, the West Bank kinda belongs to both Jews and Muslims,” Stacey Roberts of Burlington, Minnesota tells her Syrian hairstylist. And Stacey knows all about the Middle East – she just got back from Dubai. In July, Stacey and her BFF, Stacy, decided to visit Dubai after seeing it on “Keeping Up...
Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic
Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett announced yesterday that Israel will reform Covid-19 social distancing orders to allow Muslims to gather in crowded places and pray together. “This reform is the first of its kind in the world” Bennett said in a video posted to his Facebook Page. “This move shows once and for all how Israel is a democracy that...
Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance
In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...
The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday
When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the Five F’s” – Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family. What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of...
Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards
The Israel Prison Service is facing tough questions over its decision to hire the guards tasked with monitoring Jeffrey Epstein to protect six Palestinian prisoners. The guards, Tova Noel and Michael Thomas, had been assigned to protect Epstein when the financier and convicted sex offender was found dead in his cell in August 2019. Speaking on the condition of anonymity,...
Norm Macdonald Asks God for Ten Minutes in Hell to Roast bin Laden
Comedian and satirist Norm Macdonald, who sadly passed away Tuesday night, is looking to put off his entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven, asking God to first let him spend ten minutes or so in Hell so he can “make [Osama] bin Laden cry like a little bitch.” “I wrote like 100 pages of killer material about that piece of...
Taliban Leader Wears ‘Death to the West’ Tux to Met Gala
Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar has received both praise and accusations of hypocrisy after photos emerged of the militant wearing a “Death to the West” tuxedo while appearing at the star-studded Met Gala in New York City. Baradar, who flew in for the event on a UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter, used the $35,000-per-ticket celebration to rail against America’s materialistic capitalism....
Abbas Resigns as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station
Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Monday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the...
Israel Joins World in Commemorating 20th Anniversary of Attack It Carried Out
Today, Israeli agents join the world in commemorating the 20th anniversary of the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 20 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us to not only call but...