Saudis to Seek US Advice on Getting Enemies to Commit Suicide

Saudis to Seek US Advice on Getting Enemies to Commit Suicide

Nearly a year after his bungling execution of Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi drew international condemnation, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman is looking to his American allies for help in getting troublesome individuals to commit suicide. Bin Salman’s appeal for help came after billionaire financier and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his Manhattan jail cell after apparently hanging himself. Epstein’s death came amid speculation that he may implicate other powerful figures in the political and business world,...

Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another

Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has escalated to new heights with each side accusing the other of misgendering. In a statement released by the Office of the Prime Minister for-Life, Benjamin Netanyahu explained, “We used to be called Palestine, but on the inside, we’ve always been Israel. And so, in 1948 we transitioned. Israel is our gender, which exists on a wide spectrum as you have Israeli-Jews, Israeli-Arabs, and those weirdos with the hats. Misgendering us by using our deadname of ‘Palestine’...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...

ISIS Bans Gun Sales to People Without History of Violence

ISIS Bans Gun Sales to People Without History of Violence

With the signing of landmark gun control legislation, the Islamic State has banned all gun sales to individuals with no history of violence, domestic abuse or mental illness. “While I believe strongly in the right to bear arms, there are certain people who should simply not own a military-grade weapon,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said as he signed the bill into law. “Too often, people are buying guns and then not using them to commit atrocities.” Baghdadi said that...

Iran Left Off Email Chain Re: Jared Plan for Peace

Iran Left Off Email Chain Re: Jared Plan for Peace

There have been red faces all-round the US State Department this week as a junior official confirmed that Iran had inadvertently not been included in the recipient list for the Jared Kushner peace plan. The revelation has provided a clear explanation for their recent saber rattling in the Gulf. They just hadn’t been made aware that all the problems had been solved. A spokesman for Mr. Kushner stated, “Well, doesn’t this explain everything? Even the fake news media has had...

South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’

South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’

As tensions rise between nuclear-armed neighbours India and Pakistan, many international observers are now starting to term the region as the ‘New Middle East’. The new status comes following India’s controversial decision to change the status of the disputed territory of Kashmir, coupled with Pakistan’s feisty response. “A territorial and religious conflict borne out of colonialism, in an exotic part of the world – that pretty much defines the Middle East as we’ve understood it for decades”, one foreign policy...

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

In a move aimed at terrorizing US citizens, the Islamic State has announced a new initiative to sit back and do nothing while Americans slaughter each other in mass shootings. “The whole point of radical Islamic terrorism is to prevent people from gathering at church, in school, at shopping centers, or at bars without the fear of falling victim to an act of senseless violence,” former Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained. “Since there’s not much more we can do on...

Syrian Civil War Ends After Assad Bans Violent Video Games

Syrian Civil War Ends After Assad Bans Violent Video Games

Taking inspiration from GOP Congressman Kevin McCarthy and US President Donald Trump, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has ended years of violence and civil war by enacting a ban on violent video games. The ban, which came after more than 400,000 Syrian deaths since 2011, has brought peace to the region, as both ISIS and pro-government forces have overcome their violent tendencies. “After hours upon hours of playing Grand Jihad Auto, World of Holy Warcraft, and Jihadi’s Creed, how could I...

US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay

US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay

Saying that the threat of additional terrorist attacks justified extraordinary measures, the US has begun holding suspected white supremacists on the island of Gringotanamo Bay off the coast of Cuba. American officials made the decision after a pair of shootings in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas – one of which was believed to be carried out by white supremacists – killed 29 Americans. Almost immediately, white men affiliated with radical groups were rounded up and shipped to the island,...

Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago

Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago

Some of the Middle East’s most ardent Jihadists have expressed surprise at the announcement of the death of Hamza bin Laden, the son of 9/11 mastermind Osama, as they had assumed he had been dead for years. “When we’d heard that the Americans had declared Hamza dead, our first question was ‘who’?”, commented one Al Qaeda figure. “It took us a while to work out who they were talking about. Frankly, we hadn’t seen him in years and around these...