REVEALED! Secret Diary Excerpts of Vladimir Putin

REVEALED! Secret Diary Excerpts of Vladimir Putin

9 May: Today, I, Vlad the Greatest, met with Benjamin Netanyahu who got pissed when I asked him which Middle Eastern country he was a dictator of. He claimed he wasn’t a despot before droning on and on about Israel being the only democracy in the Middle East. “But nobody seems to give a shit about that anymore”, Ben sighed 20 minutes later, interrupting my attempt to spell out the alphabet backwards in my head. “So, you’re not a dictator...

Dancing on Tables in Jerusalem

Dancing on Tables in Jerusalem

On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, Molly Livingstone sits down with Jerusalem City Council member and Head of the Yerushalmim (Jerusalemites) Party, Fleur Hassan Nahoum, to discuss the terrifying situation in Jerusalem. No, it has nothing to do with war or peace, it’s worse… politics and the upcoming mayoral elections. Find out her plan, her history of dancing on tables, and her future visions for the ever-so complicated city, Jerusalem. The Mideast Beast podcasts are available on...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Iran Bans Chick-Fil-A Over Treatment of Gays

Iran Bans Chick-Fil-A Over Treatment of Gays

In a move celebrated as a first step towards ending the execution of homosexuals, the Islamic Republic of Iran has shuttered all Chick-Fil-A location’s over the fast food chain’s opposition to same-sex marriage. “While we feel that homosexuality is a crime against Allah, and the only acceptable penalty is death, we also reject the homophobia of Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “Every Chick-Fil-A in the country will be burnt, and anyone suspected of eating...

The Name’s Stein, Palestein

The Name’s Stein, Palestein

In a surprise move, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced that a long-term peace agreement has been successfully negotiated. In a joint press conference, the world leaders announced that the State of Israel will cease to exist entirely, being replaced by a unified Jewish-Arab nation called Palestein. “It is time,” said Abbas, “for Palestein to take its rightful place on the Mount Rushmore of great Jewish Steins. Rosenstein, Ben Stein, Palestein. I think it...

Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle

Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle

In the latest conspiracy theory linked to Israel’s main intelligence agency, a prominent Egyptian cleric claims he has “cast iron proof” that Real Madrid defender, Sergio Ramos, is, in fact, a Mossad operative who deliberately handicapped the Liverpool player and rising star, Mo Salah. Egyptian-born Salah, considered one of the world’s top soccer players and who has garnered a significant following amongst the Arab and Muslim world, was injured in the Champions League final last month causing doubts about the...

Sara Netanyahu Leaving Bibi for Scott Pruitt

Sara Netanyahu Leaving Bibi for Scott Pruitt

Declaring that she has finally found somebody who shares her love of exploiting government resources for personal use, Israeli First Lady Sara Netanyahu announced that she is leaving her husband for EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt. “I thought I was living my best life with Benny – charging taxpayers for home renovations, installing luxury hotel rooms on private airplanes, and even using public servants to fetch bottle deposits,” Sara told The Mideast Beast. “I never knew there could be anything more....

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

While nobody knows what the hell is going to happen at the upcoming summit between President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, the United Nations has already blamed Israel for the breakdown of the talks which are yet to occur. The latest UN General Assembly Resolution has declared that “the blame for the fallout at the summit yet to actually happen, the onset of World War Three and subsequent nuclear holocaust must squarely be placed on Israel.” Iran’s representative...

God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’

God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’

In a surprise announcement, The Almighty One, Blessed Be He, dropped his new commandment without warning this past Monday morning: “Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out”. This is the first commandment that the Chief Shepherd has released in thousands of years but he explained that it has been in the works for some time. When asked what inspired him to make an 11th commandment he pointed out that it became clear that the first Ten weren’t really cutting it anymore, ...

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Saying that the first-century preacher and possible messiah has been treated “very unfairly,” US President Donald Trump acknowledged that he is considering a pardon for Jesus Christ. “These Byzantines (sic) were really bad hombres, and they really treated this Jesus Christ guy very unfairly,” Trump said in a Tweet. “A lot of people don’t know this, but he was crucified by Puny Pontius Pilate. Sad!” Trump added that Christ is finally beginning to get recognition. The president was informed of...

Jerusalem’s Damascus Gate Renamed Following Cultural Appropriation Row

Jerusalem’s Damascus Gate Renamed Following Cultural Appropriation Row

Following accusations of cultural appropriation, the Jerusalem Municipality has agreed to rename one of the entrances into Jerusalem’s Old City. The decision to rename Damascus Gate was announced after months of campaigning by social justice warriors who claim that the site as it is currently named constitutes an “aggressive act of linguistic colonialism against the people of Syria.” While the group is campaigning to bring about the linguistic change, #DamascusGateMustFall, has often been confused with the similarly tagged pro-Islamic State...