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BREAKING Fulbright Scholars Visit Palestine’s New Museum of Human Sacrifice
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Israel’s Defense Minister Says Israel Should Leave the Jedi High Council
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Netanyahu Criticizes Hamas for Harming Israeli Bullets
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Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur on ‘Make Up Sexy Headline, Rinse, Lather, Repeat’
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Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign
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UN Human Rights Council: Shoot (Your Mouth Off) First, Ask Questions Later
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Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag
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Gazans Officially Run Out of Things to Set Fire To
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Hamas Officially Changes Name to ‘Unarmed Protestors’
Trump on Gaza Border Killings: “We Could’ve Killed Twice That Many in Half the Time.”
While many world leaders have been quick to condemn the killing of nearly 60 Palestinian protestors at the Gaza border, President Donald Trump has not only defended the action but has even gone so far as to say it was insufficient. Late Tuesday evening he tweeted, “If anything, Israel has been too soft on the Palestinians. We could’ve killed twice that many, in half the time. Sad!” The following morning, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the president’s...
Hamas Denounces Tyrants for Stealing Headlines, World’s Attention
In a rare outburst, the leaders of Gaza have harsh words against Syria’s President Assad. When asked if this was because of the thousands of Palestinians killed by the Syrian regime including dozens during the recent the bombing of the Yarmouk refugee camp, Ismail Haniyeh replied “Sure there’s that. But we’re really pissed about his chemical weapon attacks at the time of our protests stealing our headlines”. He continued: “We’ve been working for weeks trying to get enough Palestinians killed or injured to get on the front...
‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel
With the international community up in arms over the death count in Gaza, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has issued a statement reminding Israel that he has not forgiven its leader for serving dessert in a shoe during a state dinner. “It is distasteful in our culture to wear shoes in the house, and to place one on the dinner table is simply appalling,” Abe said during a UN debate over Israel’s use of force against Palestinians trying to breach...
Wag the Embassy…(new TMB podcast)
On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone gives her firsthand account of the new US embassy, located in her remarkable neighborhood of Jerusalem (not unremarkable, as falsely reported by CNN). Host Alex Giles gets in a few words and speaks about the reaction to the embassy in Gaza, with the protest and death toll rising. Will it be an all out war between Israel and Gaza, or between Molly and Alex? Tune in. The Mideast Beast podcasts are...
Palestinians Declare East Tel Aviv Their Capital
In response to the opening ceremony on Monday of the new US Embassy in Jerusalem, the Palestinian Authority has announced that they intend to seek international recognition for a future state of Palestine’s capital to be East Tel Aviv. It is understood that in retaliation to the American action and a growing list of other countries’ joining the move inland, the Palestinians are calling on the rest of the international community to set up embassies to Palestine in fun-loving Tel...
IDF to transfer Palestinian Sewage System to Terror Tunnels
In an amicable gesture of peace and cooperation, Prime Minister Netanyahu is expected to announce the transfer of all Palestinian civilian sewage responsibility directly to Hamas’ expertly engineered terror tunnels. This olive branch, a giant leap forward in Israeli-Palestinian relations, seeks to mimic the same working relationship that Israel shares with Jordan. Netanyahu’s office released a supportive message on the matter: “It is important for Hamas to develop a strong sense of self-sustainability. What better way to promote a job...
Palestinians Call Off Protests After Hearing Pastor Jeffress’s Views
Hamas leaders in Gaza have called off protests against the opening of the US Embassy in Jerusalem after discovering that Pastor Robert Jeffress, who delivered the opening prayer, held similar beliefs to the terror group. “This guy has said that Jews are going to hell, that Hitler was sent by God, and that the Holy Land should never be divided,” Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh told The Mideast Beast. “I can’t believe that we were ever fighting.” After reading about Jeffress’s...
BBC Mistakenly Publishes Video About Israeli Eurovision Winner Despite Occupation
The Israeli winner of the 2018 Eurovision contest has been riling up quite the media frenzy- not because of her weight, culturally appropriated performance, or raunchy feminist message. The BBC has mistakenly produced a video of the Israeli singer after her Eurovision win this weekend, which left out the vital messages of oppression of Palestinians and destruction of their homeland by Israelis. The BBC clarified their stance on accusations of anti-Semitism in the wake of the video: “Although we cannot...
Liberal American Jewish Groups: No Room in the Peace Process for New Ideas
Since President Donald Trump’s confirmation of Jerusalem as the Capital of the State of Israel, with the new US Embassy opening today, many liberal Jewish groups in the US have stated that they do not support the President’s position; chief among them is J Street, the political organization that describes itself as “the political home for pro-peace people who don’t live in any danger of rockets or terrorism.” In a statement, J Street’s Executive Director Jeremy Ben Ami said that the...
ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change
ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately. All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah. “The Islamic State is committing all its resources to the defeat of climate change.” Mr. da-Mullah then drew his scimitar and...