ISIS Leaders Reveal ‘Secrets’, Joining Trump in New Age of Transparency

ISIS Leaders Reveal ‘Secrets’, Joining Trump in New Age of Transparency

Following the lead from the US President, terror cell leaders are striving to become much more open regarding their future plans. From their last holdouts across Syria, ISIS are leading the new wave of sharing. In an online video posted yesterday a spokesman for the group stood in front of a large white board clearly indicating the groups location, composition and plans for breakfast. “We admit that we are struggling right now and our previous policy of complete secrecy was...

Al Qaeda Leader Jealous of De Blasio’s Unpopularity in New York

Al Qaeda Leader Jealous of De Blasio’s Unpopularity in New York

Lamenting that he is not nearly as hated despite helping orchestrate the September 11 attacks, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri is reportedly jealous of New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio’s deep unpopularity among New Yorkers. De Blasio, who has faced criticism for his decision to run for president, has a net negative approval rating of 24 points in New York, with 53 percent of New Yorkers disapproving of his performance. “Hell, I planned the most devastating terrorist attack in...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
God to Release Long-Awaited Sixth Book of Moses

God to Release Long-Awaited Sixth Book of Moses

After thousands of years of writer’s block, The Almighty One in Heaven has finally announced the production of an additional book to the Five Books of Moses. “It took me a while to think of an idea that was good enough to continue the story,” proclaimed The Lord. “I set up a really great foundation in the last Five Books, and I didn’t want to ruin that. But I eventually thought of a way to advance the narrative that I...

Dyke March Bans Supporters with Large Noses

Dyke March Bans Supporters with Large Noses

In an effort to create a safe space for Palestinians and anti-Zionists, organizers of the Dyke March announced that people with long or hook-shaped noses will be banned from next year’s event. The march courted controversy this year when it banned pride flags with the Star of David and other Jewish symbols in a move it said marked solidarity with Palestinian supporters. Despite the ban, however, organizers fear some Zionists may have slipped into the event disguised as normal people. “Even...

Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose

Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose

Calling it a momentous step towards recognition of the LGBTQ+ community, Saudi Arabia announced that all homosexuals executed during pride month would be hung from a rainbow noose or beheaded with a rainbow-colored ax. Though human rights activists said much further process remains necessary, the announcement marks a major step forward for gay equality in the kingdom. “We have a thriving gay community here in Saudi Arabia, and this is our way of recognizing and celebrating it,” Crown Prince Mohammad...

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

As Gay Pride marches take place around the globe, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast doubt over the veracity of the survey in light of the social conservatism of the city which lies at the heart of the Islamic world. The poll organizers have admitted that the company they hired...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv, just as the city’s annual Gay Pride Week’s activities kicked off. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or...

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

According to the results of a study conducted by one prestigious American community college, over 87% of comments made on various internet forums about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were written by people who had completed master’s degrees in the field of middle eastern studies, or in a comparable field. The study, which was carried out by researchers over a five-year period, finally explains why most comments online about the issue are so intelligent and thoroughly researched. According to Emeritus Professor Susie...

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

In a rejection of more than two decades of Palestinian foreign policy, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said it might be time for the US and Mexico to give up on their attempt at a two-state solution. “Listen, we’ve tried having separate states on each side of the Rio Grande, and we ended up with one side sending all its rapists over, and the other side trying to build a wall,” Abbas said during a joint press conference with Mexican President...

Mideast Partakes in Tiananmen Square Massacre Commemoration by Also Staying Silent About Their Human Rights Abuses

Mideast Partakes in Tiananmen Square Massacre Commemoration by Also Staying Silent About Their Human Rights Abuses

The dictatorships of the Middle East have decided to partake in the global commemoration of the Thirty-Year Anniversary of China’s Tiananmen Square Massacre by following China’s lead and staying conspicuously silent about their own human rights violations. The governments of numerous countries, from Turkey and Egypt to Syria and Iran, have joined with China to either stay silent about, or issue apologies for, their past activities in violently repressing political dissent and preventing democratic governance. “At this poignant and difficult...