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BREAKING LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season
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ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph
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Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms
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Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working
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Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus
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‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags
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The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday
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NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass
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Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel
Mossad Studies Qatar Olympics Preparation for Tips
Israeli security services have been studying with interest efforts by the Qatari authorities to snuff people out using unusual methods. A spokesman commented, “We pride ourselves on being the masters of ensuring that people we have an issue with have all sorts of unfortunate accidents. But these guys’ Olympic organizing committee is doing some next level shit. Heat, height and sleep deprivation are all proven ‘accident’ enablers, but it’s really the clever combinations they are putting together that are so...
Netanyahu Hospitalized After Pounding 5780 Shots for Jewish New Year
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will begin the New Year in the hospital after attempting to take 5780 shots of liquor – one for each year in the Jewish calendar – in a Rosh Hashanah celebration that soon spun out of control. The embattled premier – in the midst of desperately trying to form a coalition and stay in power – broadcast a live Rosh Hashanah greeting wishing Israelis a happy and sweet New Year. He finished with a toast...
Hitler Hologram to Feature at Columbia University’s Next World Leaders Forum
Drawing inspiration from the successful performance of a Tupac hologram at the Coachella music festival in 2012, Columbia University has announced that the man voted ‘Most Awkward Threesome Partner’ will make an exciting comeback at their next World Leaders Forum. The hologram is being designed by researchers at Columbia University’s Engineering School using the latest in Artificial Intelligence technology to truly recreate the cheeky dictator who must be well overdue an historical re-evaluation. “Our past events with Iranian President Mahmoud...
Hamas Environment Minister Vows to Cut Tire Burning 20% by 2030
In one of the region’s most ambitious initiatives to address climate change, Hamas Minister of the Environment Ahmet al-Buluti has vowed to reduce tire-burning emissions 20% by 2030. “We must all do our part to confront the reality of global warming, and these targets will be an important step towards reducing our carbon footprint,” al-Buluti said in a press conference. “By 2050, we hope to cut tire-burning emissions in half, because all nations must make sacrifices to ensure that our...
Trump to Withhold Aid Until Israel Opens More Hummus Joints
Calling it a “hard but necessary threat,” President Donald Trump confirmed he had spoken with Israeli (sorta) Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu regarding the possibility of withholding foreign aid from the Jewish State. The phone call covered many security issues in the region, including increased Iran and Hezbollah activity. However, according to an official transcript released by the White House, Trump identified the biggest threat to the region’s stability as the decline in the number of hummus joints found in the...
Malaysian Prime Minister Named Chair of Women’s March
In its latest effort to mitigate accusations of anti-Semitism, the Women’s March has named Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Bin Mohamad, who has called Jews hook-nosed and said that he is proud to be called anti-Semitic, as its new board chairman. The Malaysian prime minister replaced Samia Assed, who was revealed to have posted anti-Semitic tweets. Assed herself had replaced Zahroo Billoo due to the latter’s anti-Semitism after Billoo replaced outspoken anti-Semite Linda Sarsour. “We’ve been trying really hard to find...
Whistleblower Blames Zionist Elders’ Broken Weather Machine for Climate Change Chaos
A whistleblower has come forward to confirm that the chaos afflicting the world is the result of a malfunctioning weather machine belonging to the Council of Zionist Elders. “During the 1970s, while distracting the international community with our ‘will they, won’t they’ nuclear program – kind of like Ross and Rachel but with added mushroom clouds – the Zionists were creating a weather machine to use meteorological warfare against our enemies. We knew that the ability to affect the weather...
House Launches Impeachment After Trump Seen Putting Ketchup on Falafel
Stating that the president has “basically impeached himself,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has opened an impeachment inquiry after President Donald Trump was seen eating falafel with ketchup. The controversy erupted when video was leaked by a whistleblower showing Trump unwrapping a falafel pita, tossing a side of tahini into the trash can and retrieving several ketchup packets from his desk drawer. As aides and cabinet members looked on in horror, Trump squeezed packet after packet of Heinz onto the sandwich,...
Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor
Acknowledging that his cabinet has lacked an element of righteous fury since John Bolton’s departure, US President Donald Trump has appointed 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg to serve as National Security Advisor. “I heard her give a speech at the UN, and God was she angry,” Trump explained as he announced the appointment. “I’m not sure what she was saying – something about a ‘climbing range’ or ‘pilot mange,’ I wasn’t really listening – but I wouldn’t want to...
Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu
Allies and friends of Prime Minister Netanyahu have expressed shock and surprise that Arab political parties, united under the Joint List party, have decided not to back their man in his attempt to continue his premiership and/or delay his visit to a local jail. A spokesman commented, “This really came out of the blue. I mean what have we ever done to upset those guys? We’re all scratching our heads around here. Do you think maybe they got the wrong...