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BREAKING Middle East Embraces Huawei 5G Network Deal “Just to Piss Off the United States”
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Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Shits and Giggles”
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Hamas Reminds Confused Israelis: “Summer Doesn’t Begin Until First ‘Summer Missile’ is Fired”
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Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon
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Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter
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Jewish Conspirators Promise to Cut down on Number of Children Killed to Bake Their Matza This Passover
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Middle East Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns
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Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount
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Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”
Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’
Claiming that existing language did not go far enough to protect victims of racism and Islamophobia, House Democrats have passed a bill redefining the term “hate crime” to include “any criticism of, or disagreement with, Representative Ilhan Omar.” The bill comes after Omar’s description of the September 11 attacks as “some people did something” sparked outrage and led to criticism that she showed a lack of sensitivity towards victims of the attacks. Her defenders, however, said these criticisms led to...
Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty
Explaining that anyone who writes a bestselling book can be a millionaire, Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has announced a plan to end world poverty by ensuring all earth’s citizens have the chance to write a bestseller. “Frankly, capitalism has failed because the millionaires and billionaires won’t let everyone write a bestseller,” Sanders explained. “When I am president, we will allow everybody to write a bestselling book and become a millionaire, just like me.” Sanders’ plan would airdrop nearly two...
Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...
Arab Leaders Willing to Try Democracy After Netanyahu Wins Fifth Term
Saying that the institution “may not be as bad as people claim,” Arab leaders from across the Middle East say they are now open to giving democracy a shot after seeing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu win a fifth term in office. “I always thought democracy meant periodically changing who was in power,” explained Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. “But if democracy is just the president having a big ceremony every four or so years where everyone reminds him that he’s...
Netanyahu Promises to Annex West Village if Re-Elected
Days after vowing to annex Jewish settlements in the West Bank during his next term, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today took it a step further with a promise to also declare sovereignty over Lower Manhattan’s West Village. “No one can stop the Jewish people or the Jewish nation state from building homes in the West Village or anywhere else in New York City,” Netanyahu said at a campaign rally. “From Hebrew Union College to Ben’s Deli, the West Village...
Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer
In a move aimed at dealing a death blow to what remains of the Islamic State, US President Donald Trump has launched a wind turbine-building campaign across Iraq and Syria with the aim of giving the group’s remaining fighters cancer. “Listen, we’ve totally defeated ISIS, believe me, but now we have to make sure all their fighters are dead so they can never come back,” Trump said in an address from the Oval Office. “The quickest way to kill someone...
Israel Prepares National Face-Palm Awaiting Netanyahu’s Desperate Racist Remark This Election Day
The citizens of Israel are, with baited breath, collectively preparing their national face-palm in light of this year’s upcoming election day and the anticipated desperate and racist remark to be issued by the country’s incumbent premier, Binyamin Netanyahu. The national anticipation of global mockery and criticism aimed at the state of Israel’s democratic discourse is not unfounded as Netanyahu had previously commented on the day of the last general election that “Arab voters are coming out in droves” in a...
Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval
JERUSALEM — In his latest response to the UN Security Council’s resolution condemning his county’s settlement activity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has broken off all diplomatic relations with the city of Tel Aviv. “No one will tell us where Jews can or cannot build homes – not the UN, and certainly not those smug, open-minded Tel Aviv liberals,” Netanyahu said in a statement announcing his latest move. “If these Israelis consider themselves real Jews, they should move to Amona...
Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder”
When Brunei announced strict anti-gay legislation, which would have homosexual acts (not to mention adultery) punishable by stoning to death, Middle Eastern nations expressed outrage that they were being “out-medievaled” by an obscure little south-east Asian kingdom. “Being totally medieval about homosexuality and various other progressive causes has been our brand for centuries. We made anti-gay laws what they are today”, said one spokesperson for the Saudi Arabian government. “Now all of a sudden ‘Little Brunei’ announces they’re in on...
Islamic State Leader Surprised Barr Memo Didn’t Mention Trump Joining ISIS
Saying that he “thought it would have been kind of a big deal,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said he was a bit surprised to find US President Donald Trump’s pledge of allegiance to the Islamic State did not come up in Attorney General William Barr’s summary of the Mueller report. “I am no expert on American politics, but I thought the fact that President Trump formally swore to defend the Caliphate until his dying breath would have at least...