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BREAKING Following Launch of Israeli Spacecraft, Roger Waters Announces Boycott of the Moon
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‘Couldn’t You Have Said It Was Us?’ al Qaeda Asks Smollett
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Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters
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Saudi Prince Promotes “Turkish-type Consulate” Peace Plan
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Ilhan Omar Apologizes, Had No Idea ‘Kikey McJewface’ was Offensive
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Amazon Chooses Saudi Arabia for Second Headquarters
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Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp
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Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip
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Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour
Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism
In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...
Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools
Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach all Israeli cities, but that ultimately this was a failed strategy. He continued, “the rockets that we launch into Israel...
Anti-Semites Fear Ilhan Omar is Using Anti-Semitic Tropes at Unsustainable Rate
Warning that the Congresswoman was on course to burn through all major Jewish stereotypes in her first year in office, a number of prominent bigots have urged Minnesota Democrat Ilhan Omar to pace herself in her use of anti-Semitic dog whistles. The warnings came after Omar was forced to apologize for implying that members of Congress support Israel due to payoffs from pro-Israel lobbyists, deploying the “rich Jews run the world stereotype.” This came just weeks after she apologized for...
ISIS Leadership asks, “Are we in the Sixth Sense?”
ISIS leaders are increasingly concerned that they may in fact be emulating Bruce Willis’ role in the supernatural thriller. A spokesman said, “President Trump keeps claiming we are beaten, but we still appear to be here. However, we know the President is a highly truthful man. So that leads us to the only logical conclusion. Were we really dead the whole time?” “We’ve been looking back to meetings we’ve had with Western journalists, and actually when we think about it...
After Conversion, Israel Now Focusing Diaspora Outreach Solely on Jenna Jameson
The Mideast Beast has learned that after former adult film actress-turned-entrepreneur, Jenna Jameson, told reporters she converted to Judaism the Israeli government has announced it will redeploy all its resources to convince the former porn star to move to the Holy Land. “Previously, our diaspora outreach program aimed at appealing to a broad swath of Jews in Europe, the United States and the former Soviet Union,” noted ultra-nationalist Israeli Minister Naftali Bennett. Speaking to the Mideast Beast, Bennet said, “Now, however, we...
Palestinians Approach UN Seeking ‘Top Billing’ in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
A delegation representing the Palestinian Authority has appeared before UN leadership requesting the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to be renamed. As PA representative Mahmoud Said told the UN, “For too long, we’ve been told that we don’t deserve top billing in this conflict. For too long, our children have grown up in a world where they are billed second to the Zionists. Don’t they deserve to live in a world where their biggest problem is the ‘Palestinian-Israeli Conflict?’” According to Said, the...
ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”
ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted a nice video of our guys marching along with some really cool music playing and the comments section just lit...
Muslim Nations Accuse Israel of Mistreating Palestinians to Distract from Humane Treatment of Homosexuals
While claims of wrongdoing on the part of the Jewish State are not at all rare coming from Muslim nations, many maintain a “we’ve heard it all” mentality towards the claims. And though excuses may be like assholes, in that everyone has one and they all stink, accusations of Israeli crimes are more like Halal food farts – not all of them come from Muslims, but the majority tend to. Today the world finally heard a new accusation voiced by...
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest
These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mates right before their souls meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...
Howard Schultz Moves to Syria to Launch Moderate Rebel Group
Criticizing what he sees as extremism on both sides of the Syrian Civil War, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has moved to Damascus and plans to launch a moderate militia to compete with both the Assad regime and ISIS. “It really feels like everyone in this conflict is either a genocidal dictator or a radical jihadi. What happened to all the moderate rebels?” Schultz asked. “Most of the population doesn’t like Assad or ISIS and is looking for someone moderate, like...