US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them
The United States has long been known for its hardline stance on not (often) negotiating with terrorists. Or, at least it was, until recently when the US Senate adopted the McConnell Doctrine of overtly negotiating with terrorists if they look like you. After the US Capitol Building was attacked just two months ago by an armed mob swearing to overthrow...
Penguin Random House Staffers Beg Khamenei to Issue Fatwa Against Jordan Peterson Book
Desperate to halt sales of a new book by Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson (Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life), staff at Penguin Random House have called on Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei to issue a fatwa declaring the book blasphemous. The employees made their request in an anonymous letter to the Ayatollah, suggesting that he also offer a bounty...
Biden Declares War on Iran After Ayatollah Reads ‘The Cat in the Hat’
President Joe Biden has withdrawn his offer to enter nuclear talks with the Islamic Republic of Iran and officially declared war after Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei read the Dr. Seuss classic ‘The Cat in the Hat’ at a Friday sermon. The sermon started innocently enough, with the Ayatollah declaring “Death to America” and “Death to Israel,” and promising to hang...
Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns
In response to legislation in Austria, Denmark and France banning Muslim women from wearing the burqa, Muslim countries across the Middle East have begun cracking down on young to middle-aged white men sporting “man buns”. Saudi Arabia was the first to issue a “man bun ban,” calling the hairstyle a threat to national security. Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan soon followed...
Taylor Greene Invited to Serve on Hamas Education Committee
First-year Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene will be serving on an education committee after all. Just a day after the US House of Representatives voted to bar Greene from the House Committee on Education and Labor, Hamas, the Islamist militant group in charge of governing the Gaza Strip, announced that it has invited her to chair its education committee. “Frankly, we...
Cuomo Orders COVID-Positive Patients be Shipped to Homes of his Accusers
In an effort to crush two ongoing scandals, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has ordered that nursing homes transfer residents who test positive for coronavirus to the home of one of the women accusing Cuomo of sexual harassment. Cuomo has been under fire over accusations that his administration hid the death toll from COVID-19 at New York nursing homes to...
‘Cancelled’ al Qaeda Leader Launches Substack
Lamenting that “cancel culture” has made it more difficult than ever to preach the virtues of jihad at an institution like al Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri announced Monday that he is leaving the terror organization and launching an Islamist newsletter on Substack. “While I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to work for and lead al Qaeda, it is no...
ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future
Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by February in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their plans citing the plethora of...
Saudi Arabia to Require ‘Potato Head’ Toy to Have Face Veiled
After Hasbro announced that its classic Mr. Potato Head toy would drop the “Mr.” from its name, Saudi leaders are requiring that all Potato Heads be covered from head to toe. “Even with the possibility that Sayyed Potato is in fact a woman, she is unlikely to give impure thoughts to too many hot-blooded Arab men,” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed...
Biden Embarrassed to Learn Navy SEALs Not Actually Aquatic Mammals
From the vault: a TMB #ThrowBackThursday After the identity of the Navy SEAL who claims to have killed Osama bin Laden was revealed as Montana resident Robert O’Neill, Vice President Joe Biden was devastated to discover that the elite military unit was comprised almost entirely of humans and that the U.S. military did not employ any actual seals in combat. “During...
Uyghurs in Labor Camps Thank Disney for Firing Gina Carano
Members of China’s Uyghurs minority breathed a collective sigh of relief earlier this month when Disney fired controversial actress and former MMA star Gina Carano from its hit show The Mandalorian. Several Uyghurs that The Mideast Beast spoke to for this article said they had felt immense pride to see a $300 billion corporation like Disney work so closely with...
Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour
The ever-active Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is still at it, this time taking the ‘Fight for 15′ to what remains of the Caliphate, demanding that the Islamic State pay a living wage of $15.00 an hour to its mujahideen (Jihadis) in Iraq and Syria. “These fighters work very hard, very long hours, in a very dangerous job, and yet they...
Deceased Americans Should Be Buried with Face Masks, Fauci Says
Warning that Americans should not stop taking COVID-19 seriously just because there is a vaccine or because they are dead, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned that people will likely have to wear masks for centuries into the future, even after they die and are buried. “I know some folks are ready to go back to regular life, but I don’t want...
Biden Demands Iran Undergo Anti-Racism Training to Re-Enter Nuclear Deal
The US and Iran are on the verge of re-entering the 2015 nuclear deal, but one key sticking point remains. President Joe Biden has agreed to lift all sanctions and allow the Islamic Republic to develop nuclear weapons but is demanding that Iran’s ayatollahs and elected officials undergo weeks of “anti-racism” training. Bestselling author Robin DiAngelo would fly to Tehran...
Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians
Still holding a grudge with the US Senate over a US Senate bill, passed nearly 18 months ago condemning the Armenian genocide, Turkey’s parliament has passed a unanimous resolution condemning the Kardashian family for crimes against humanity. “The real Armenian Genocide is the one that these sisters are committing against world culture and common decency,” the resolution stated. “We can...
ISIS Defector Blames Daughter for Syria Visit, Claims She Wanted to See a Drone
On Friday a man was arrested at the Toronto Airport after returning from a six-year “work trip” to Syria. Despite the ticking sound coming from his backpack, Tedi al-Cruzi was quickly released from airport custody after he patiently explained that he was only in the region because his daughter really wanted to see a Russian drone up close. al-Cruzi utilized...
ISIS Leader Hospitalized After Styling Beard with Gorilla Glue
The leader of the Islamic State terrorist group has been admitted into Raqqa hospital after accidentally using Gorilla Glue spray adhesive to style his beard. ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi had hoped using the heavy-duty adhesive would add volume to his facial hair, which fellow jihadis believed was unimpressive and undermined his authority. Qurashi livestreamed the events, but soon found...
Roger Waters: Zionists Rubbed Their Balls on My New N95 Mask
Roger Waters claimed recently that members of Israel’s intelligence service, Mossad, broke into his house in order to harass him for his anti-Israel stances. Waters took to YouTube to claim that, despite him never having said anything anti-Semitic or done anything anti-Semitic, the Zionist regime was trying to terrorize him by breaking into his home and rubbing their balls on...
Biden to Force Gun Owners to Trade in Weapons for Gag Guns with ‘Bang’ Flag
Calling it a commonsense solution to the nation’s gun violence epidemic, President Joe Biden has proposed a mandatory buyback program in which gun owners would trade in their firearms for a gag gun that releases a flag with the word “Bang!” Biden promised that getting millions of dangerous firearms off the street would end all shootings while leaving gun owners...
School Board to Rename All Buildings After Transgender ISIS Member
Calling it a necessary step in the battle against white supremacy, the San Francisco Board of Education announced that it will rename every school and administrative building in the city after Fatima al-Rajuli, a transgender member of the Islamic State terror group. After voting to remove the names of historical figures including Abraham Lincoln, Paul Revere and George Washington from...