Trump Wonders Why Palestinians Don’t Just Use Children to Slingshot Rocks at Israeli Missiles

Trump Wonders Why Palestinians Don’t Just Use Children to Slingshot Rocks at Israeli Missiles

KYOTO, JAPAN — After asking why Japan, a country of “Samurai warriors,” didn’t shoot down North Korean missiles, U.S. President Donald Trump continued parsing the puzzling issues regarding aerial warfare. “You know every time these Hamas guys shoot missiles at Israel and the Israelis shoot back, I have to wonder why they don’t just use kids with slings and rocks to knock ‘em out the sky? I mean they’ve all got to be expert rock slingers by now, what else do...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much older structure,” announced the team leader, Dr. Yousef Muhamad. “Though we were unable to ascertain the origins of the ruins....

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

Maybe We Should Just Sex It Out…

Maybe We Should Just Sex It Out…

On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone speaks with matchmaker Jessica Fass of Fass Pass To Love, to find out if the Middle East countries are really a match. Perhaps the politicians have it all wrong, and it’s more about rules of dating, wooing, and even a little sexting that will give peace a chance. From first base to pulling out, here are the dating tips that might just win a Nobel Peace Prize. The...

After Joining Paris Agreement, Syria Switches to Eco-Friendly Cluster Bombs

After Joining Paris Agreement, Syria Switches to Eco-Friendly Cluster Bombs

Stressing its commitment to fighting climate change following its signing of the Paris Climate Accords, the Syrian government announced that it will begin using ecologically friendly explosives when cluster-bombing civilians. “Dropping barrel bombs full of pollutants on schools, mosques and hospitals was not just irresponsible. It was flat-out wrong,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad acknowledged. “As Paris Agreement signatories, our massive bombing campaigns will now be carbon neutral.” Syria’s announcement angered US President Donald Trump, who said it has led him...

Palestinian-American Stranded in Detroit After Boycotting Waze

Palestinian-American Stranded in Detroit After Boycotting Waze

A Palestinian-American has been stranded in the suburbs of Detroit after boycotting his Israeli GPS app midway through his journey. Farid Sabur and his family were heading for Lake Michigan from their New York City home when he decided to explore the settings on his GPS app, Waze. To his shock, he found that the app was produced in Israel. “I pulled over and deleted the app instantly,” Farid told The Mideast Beast. “By this point, we were in a...

ISIS Leader Asks, “Why Aren’t They Going After ‘Crooked Saddam’?”

ISIS Leader Asks, “Why Aren’t They Going After ‘Crooked Saddam’?”

Calling the Iraqi-led effort to dislodge his forces from their strongholds a distraction, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi questioned why the army and media were not instead focusing their attention on “crooked Saddam.” “It is so unfair that everyone keeps attacking our caliphate when they should be focusing on Saddam.” Baghdadi said in a barrage of Tweets. “I heard that he was trying to buy uranium from the Russians! Sad!” Speaking to reporters, Baghdadi said he would direct the Iraqi...

TMB Writers Increasingly Frustrated by Competition from Reality

TMB Writers Increasingly Frustrated by Competition from Reality

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE EAST – Reporters from The Mideast Beast have reported that they find it increasingly difficult to satirize current events given how bat-shit crazy everything has become. One writer explained, “How the hell are we supposed to compete with reality? I mean this shit is crazy. I watch CNN and President Trump is getting into a Twitter war with Kim Jong Un, while his whole election team is getting done for conspiracy with the Russian government over...

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...

Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years

Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years

Suspicions of bribery have been raised following the news that Qatar is set to host every major international sporting event for the next century. “It was one thing getting to host the FIFA World Cup in 2022, but also hosting the FIBA World Cup, Olympics, Paralympics, Rugby World Cup, World Baseball, Ryder Cup, all the Grand Slams and countless other events for the next 100 years really does suggest something might be going on”, admitted a source from the FBI....