ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

In a rare call for restraint from the terrorist group, ISIS’ leadership has criticized the UK’s Labour party for its anti-Semitic rhetoric, calling recent comments and online posts from the party’s leaders “a bit much.” “Listen, we hate the Jews as much as anyone, but you can’t just go around calling for Israel to be relocated to America, or saying Hitler was a Zionist,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “You have to show some sensitivity. Hell,...

IDF Finally Looking for a Few Ugly Women

IDF Finally Looking for a Few Ugly Women

As the possible ceasefire with Hamas looms over Israelis and Palestinians, it actually has caused some to question the fighting ability of the Israel Defense Force (IDF). “The problem is the women,” according to Tel Aviv resident Yona Ballwax. “Israeli women are just too attractive. Everyone knows that an ugly woman will distract a Palestinian. The more they look like goats, the better for the war. But they don’t. They’re annoyingly hot!” The American Army has confronted a similar predicament. “In general, ugly...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”

Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”

In the wake of the assassination of Syrian chemical weapons expert, Aziz Azbar, Israel has been on the defensive about its alleged role in the affair. Numerous international press organisations and political actors have pointed fingers at the Jewish State for being behind the attack. “Why does everyone think it’s us?”, one Israeli government spokesperson protested. “First, who says there was any foul play involved anyway. It’s very common for cars to spontaneously explode, particularly in this hot weather we’ve...

Trump Botches Response to Erdogan, Bans Export of Turkeys

Trump Botches Response to Erdogan, Bans Export of Turkeys

In a confused response to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s sanctions on American officials, US President Donald Trump announced a ban on the import and export of turkeys. Furious over news of Erdogan’s sanctions and the imprisonment of Andrew Brunson, an American pastor arrested in Turkey, Trump insisted that the US would boycott the fowl in retaliation. Advisors’ desperate attempts to explain that the Republic of Turkey had nothing to do with the large indigenous birds were in vain, as...

Eric Trump Detained by ICE

Eric Trump Detained by ICE

It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and his family kinda of just handed him over to the agents. It reminded me of when you see people abandoning...

“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event

“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event

“Definitely Not ISIS” has filed for a license to stage a free-speech rally later this month. The event will host prominent speakers from the Middle East and further afield. “We think that even if you don’t agree with what we have to say, we certainly deserve the right to say it,” Abu Bakr al-Newyorki, the organization’s spokesperson, told The Mideast Beast. “If you value freedom of speech like we do, then show up to the event and support us. Just an FYI, no...

World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt

World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt

International observers have expressed complete shock and astonishment at news that has confirmed that Qatar engaged in black ops campaign tactics and broke FIFA rules in order to win the bid to host the World Cup. “Shocked doesn’t even cover it”, one FIFA spokesperson said. “We’re simply astounded that Qatar used former CIA agents and PR agencies to spread fake propaganda about its competitors. In fact, when it was originally announced that Qatar would be hosting the 2022 World Cup...

Hamas Ends Space Programme After Iron Dome Intercepts Rockets

Hamas Ends Space Programme After Iron Dome Intercepts Rockets

Hamas has rebuked Israel for using their Iron Dome rocket defence system to intercept rockets which the organization claimed were not aimed at Israeli civilians but were in fact part of a fledgling space programme. “We’ve spent more than a decade trying to develop rockets which can successfully kill or maim Israeli civilians and it’s largely gone to waste since we’ve hardly killed anyone”, one Hamas spokesman said. “So, figuring that we didn’t want all our rocket expertise to go...

Baghdad Bob Says He’s ‘a Bit Worried’ About Giuliani

Baghdad Bob Says He’s ‘a Bit Worried’ About Giuliani

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, the former Iraqi Information Minister under Saddam, better known as “Baghdad Bob” for his outlandish claims during the US invasion of Iraq, told The Mideast Beast that he was “starting to get a bit worried” about former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani over his defense of US President Donald Trump. “Listen, I know that sometimes you have to stick your neck out in defense of your egomaniacal dictator boss, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere,”...

Mummy Unearthed Grasping BlackBerry Smartphone

Mummy Unearthed Grasping BlackBerry Smartphone

The recently discovered cavity in the Egyptian pyramids contained an ancient relic, archaeologists have revealed. Dr. Jackie Jackson, who led the research organized by BATY, the British Archaeological Team Youth, told The Mideast Beast: We found this mysterious item called a ‘Blackberry’. Apparently, they were very popular in the past, but it must’ve been well before my time.” “The Mummy was holding up the item to its ear, but we were confused by the absence of a touchscreen. After extensive...