Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards
The Israel Prison Service is facing tough questions over its decision to hire the guards tasked with monitoring Jeffrey Epstein to protect six Palestinian prisoners. The guards, Tova Noel and Michael Thomas, had been assigned to protect Epstein when the financier and convicted sex offender was found dead in his cell in August 2019. Speaking on the condition of anonymity,...
Norm Macdonald Asks God for Ten Minutes in Hell to Roast bin Laden
Comedian and satirist Norm Macdonald, who sadly passed away Tuesday night, is looking to put off his entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven, asking God to first let him spend ten minutes or so in Hell so he can “make [Osama] bin Laden cry like a little bitch.” “I wrote like 100 pages of killer material about that piece of...
Taliban Leader Wears ‘Death to the West’ Tux to Met Gala
Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar has received both praise and accusations of hypocrisy after photos emerged of the militant wearing a “Death to the West” tuxedo while appearing at the star-studded Met Gala in New York City. Baradar, who flew in for the event on a UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter, used the $35,000-per-ticket celebration to rail against America’s materialistic capitalism....
Abbas Resigns as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station
Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Monday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the...
Israel Joins World in Commemorating 20th Anniversary of Attack It Carried Out
Today, Israeli agents join the world in commemorating the 20th anniversary of the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 20 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us to not only call but...
Netanyahu Hospitalized After Pounding 5782 Shots for Jewish New Year
Former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu began the Jewish New Year in the hospital after attempting to take 5782 shots of liquor – one for each year in the Jewish calendar – in a Rosh Hashanah celebration that soon spun out of control. The former premier – who recently lost his grip on power to the ‘Coalition of Change’ –...
Taliban Appoints Carole Baskin Defense Secretary
Hopes that the Taliban would show a gentler, less evil face their second time in power were dashed Wednesday, as the Afghan militant group appointed alleged murderer and Tiger King star Carole Baskin to lead the military. Baskin, who is suspected of killing her husband and feeding him to tigers in 1997, said she will show mercy to resistance fighters...
Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble’
As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic (Delta-version), the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.” Experts...
Breaking: Taliban Now Controls 12 Working McFlurry Machines Left Behind by U.S. Troops
In another embarrassment for the United States, it was revealed on Monday that U.S. Troops left behind a dozen extremely rare, fully functional McDonald’s McFlurry machines in a hangar at Bagram Air Base. The machines were quickly seized by militants. As the Federal Trade Commission investigates why most McFlurry machines in America are currently broken, the oppressive and misogynistic Taliban...
‘I Was on Ambien When I Pulled Out of Afghanistan,’ Biden Says
Seeking to deflect blame for the disastrous US withdrawal from Afghanistan, President Joe Biden now says he had taken the sleeping aid Ambien before planning the hasty withdrawal from the country. “I’m not heartless, just an idiot,” Biden tweeted. “I mixed up my pills before meeting with the generals about Afghanistan and took Ambien instead of my Donepezil. By the...
Biden Blames 16th Century Mughals for Handing Him Unwinnable Situation in Afghanistan
In his latest attempt to shift blame for the disastrous withdrawal from Kabul, President Biden claimed at a press conference on Friday that he never would have had to hand the Taliban a hundred Blackhawk helicopters and leave puppies behind on the tarmac had the founder of the Mughal Empire, Muhammad Babur, not attempted to intervene in rural Afghanistan in...
Jewish Uncle Shocked to Discover That Not Everything Innovative Comes from Israel
Uncle Morty was shocked to discover yesterday that countries other than Israel are responsible for recent technological advances. Uncle Morty, who is well known in the family for espousing common quips about Israel such as, “Israel created Instant Messaging” and “Israel has more Nobel Prizes per Capita than the US” is now trying to cope with his new understanding of...
Taliban Leader Impeached Over Phone Call with Ukrainian President
Taliban rule in Afghanistan may soon be coming to an end, as the Afghan House of Representatives has voted to impeach the terror group over a phone call its leader made to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. The impeachment inquiry was launched after a transcript of a call between Zelensky and Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar was leaked to the...
UN Efforts to Save the Endangered Palestinian Refugee a Resounding Success
In 1949, the United Nations became concerned with the low numbers of Palestinian refugees following the first Arab-Israeli War. In response, the UN quickly declared Palestinian refugees to be an endangered species and organized a commission, The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East, or UNRWA, to foster the growth of the failing population....
Elders of Zion: “Only 20% of Europeans Believe Jews Control the World? We Really Need to Up Our Game”
A relatively recent survey has found that only one fifth of Europeans polled in a survey of 16 European countries, among them Austria, Belgium, the Czech Republic, France, Germany, the United Kingdom and Poland, believe that a secret network of shifty Jews – the Elders of Zion – controls global political and economic affairs. The findings of the survey caused...
Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread
A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus Delta...
Erdogan to Meet Taliban Leader to Advise on Torture, Repression Techniques
In a sign of the Islamist militant group’s growing stature, the Taliban will meet this week with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to discuss methods of torturing and killing political opponents. With the Taliban now in control of nearly all of Afghanistan, Erdogan said that the time had come to treat the group with the respect it deserves as an...
iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 12 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results were found for anti-Semitism, anywhere...
Taliban Defeated After Leader Dies in ‘Milk Crate Challenge’
In a dramatic reversal of fortunes, the Taliban regime in Afghanistan has collapsed after Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar fell to his death while attempting the “Milk Crate Challenge” now popular on TikTok. Baradar announced plans to attempt the challenge, which involves climbing a pyramid of stacked milk crates, after triumphantly entering Kabul following the Taliban’s capture of the...
Biden to Reinvade Afghanistan After Taliban Pulls Out of Paris Climate Agreement
In a stunning turnaround, President Joe Biden is now ordering US forces to re-invade Afghanistan and overthrow the Taliban after the terror group announced its withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accords. Biden previously stood behind his decision to withdraw from the country even as chaos unfolding in Kabul led his approval ratings to nosedive. But on Monday, the Taliban announced...