Trump to Designate Wisconsin as Independent Kurdish State in Program Known as ‘Curds for Kurds”

Trump to Designate Wisconsin as Independent Kurdish State in Program Known as ‘Curds for Kurds”

President Trump has announced an initiative to set up a Kurdish state in the heart of America’s dairy land. Known as ‘Curds for Kurds,’ this program will allocate a large portion of the Western half of Wisconsin as an independent Kurdish state. He began, “It was so obvious to me, you know? They got curds already in Wisconsin. What’s a few more, am I right? What I don’t understand is why Switzerland and France haven’t gotten involved before. As I...

Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code

Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code

The Mideast Beast can exclusively reveal that the world-renowned Israeli intelligence agency, the Mossad, has plans to up its game and improve its spying capabilities by using new and innovative intelligence methods, including using Pig Latin as its new secret code. “We’ve been slacking lately”, a source told The Mideast Beast. “We haven’t really made any progress on the covert intelligence front for a few years now and most of our complex algorithms have been cracked by Iranian or Russian...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date

Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date

Following a story in the Washington Post, journalists and pundits have questioned whether Jared Kushner had anything to do with the recent shakeups in Saudi Arabia. It claimed, “The two princes are said to have stayed up until nearly 4 am several nights, swapping stories and planning strategy.” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman recently had several princes and other high profile individuals detained in the kingdom on charges of corruption. After a request from The Mideast Beast, the Secret...

Shiite Muslims Blast Taylor Swift Over Silence on Caliphal Succession

Shiite Muslims Blast Taylor Swift Over Silence on Caliphal Succession

Demanding that the popular country-pop star pick a side, Shiite activists are increasingly calling out Taylor Swift over her silence regarding the rightful succession to the Prophet Muhammad. “Tay Tay never misses a chance to rip Kim and Kanye, but when it comes to Yazid’s murder of Husayn ibn Ali at the Battle of Karbala, all we hear are crickets,” wrote one Shiite magazine contributor. “Taylor is not obligated to be vocal about Middle Eastern sectarian disputes, but her silence...

Lebanese Prime Minister Hariri Found on Holiday in Disney World

Lebanese Prime Minister Hariri Found on Holiday in Disney World

The confusion over the whereabouts of Lebanese Prime Minister Saad Hariri has been resolved unexpectedly after he was found on holiday in Disney World Orlando. The Prime Minister was said to have fled Lebanon “in fear of his life” due to the growing influence of Iran-backed Hezbollah in his country, though the Iranians claimed he was being held against his will in Saudi Arabia. However, a selfie uploaded onto Twitter showing Mr. Hariri being embraced by Mickey Mouse has exposed...

Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls

Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls

In another potential blow to his election campaign, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been banned from the Saudi dating website “OK Muhammed” after users reported him for aggressively pursuing underage girls. While Saudi age of consent laws are far more lenient than those in the US, the dating application’s hosts felt that Moore took things a little too far. “We believe that when two people fall in love, small issues such as age and consent, should not get in...

The New ISIS App Everyone’s Talking About

The New ISIS App Everyone’s Talking About

On Monday, with whatever is left of the ISIS chain of command, announced it had released a new app in hopes that it will make up for the heavy losses of territorial influence over the last few months, mainly from red, white and blue colored bombs. The terror group has made use of the technological skills of some of its captives to program the app. “Learning Swift was a great decision. My skills ensure that I won’t be thrown off...

Trump Wonders Why Palestinians Don’t Just Use Children to Slingshot Rocks at Israeli Missiles

Trump Wonders Why Palestinians Don’t Just Use Children to Slingshot Rocks at Israeli Missiles

KYOTO, JAPAN — After asking why Japan, a country of “Samurai warriors,” didn’t shoot down North Korean missiles, U.S. President Donald Trump continued parsing the puzzling issues regarding aerial warfare. “You know every time these Hamas guys shoot missiles at Israel and the Israelis shoot back, I have to wonder why they don’t just use kids with slings and rocks to knock ‘em out the sky? I mean they’ve all got to be expert rock slingers by now, what else do...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much older structure,” announced the team leader, Dr. Yousef Muhamad. “Though we were unable to ascertain the origins of the ruins....

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...