Penguin Random House Staffers Beg Khamenei to Issue Fatwa Against Jordan Peterson Book
Desperate to halt the publication of a new book by Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson, staff at Penguin Random House have called on Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei to issue a fatwa declaring the book blasphemous. The employees made their request in an anonymous letter to the Ayatollah, suggesting that he also offer a bounty for anyone who killed Peterson. “Your...
Netflix Announces House of Saud Spin-Off of The Crown
After receiving reviews that their depiction of the British royal family is “somewhat tedious and dull,” the team behind The Crown announced a new spinoff version of the show following the exploits of the House of Saud. This version is sure to have far fewer boring political scenes, as the royal leaders only turn to two sources for advice: themselves...
Israel Suspected Behind Death of Top Iranian Nunchuck Specialist
In another blow to Iran’s weapons programs, the country’s leading designer of nunchucks has been assassinated, with Israel suspected of carrying out the operation. Basir Latifi, the mastermind behind Iran’s advanced nunchuck program, was gunned down while exiting his car in downtown Tehran. Though no group or country has officially taken responsibility, the gunmen were seen wearing kippot (skull caps)...
Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests
New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo has claimed responsibility for the assassination of top Iranian nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, telling reporters he had no choice but to order the killing after he learned that Fakhrizadeh planned to host more than ten guests at a dinner party that evening. Cuomo said intelligence sources inside Iran witnessed the scientist pickup up a...
Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business
Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon.com is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, stroked his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this...
Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
It has been confirmed that President Trump’s recent calls for downsizing US troops in Afghanistan is to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry Christmas’ sign being...
UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again
In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, underpaid...
ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative
The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognized the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be...
Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving
Remarking that his favorite restaurants may be forced to close if the indigent continue to spread the coronavirus, California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an order banning poor and middle-class Californians from gathering for Thanksgiving. Newsom said that the ban was necessary to prevent these citizens from passing the coronavirus to wealthy and politically connected government leaders and lobbyists. The...
Ghost of Bin Laden Hacked Voting Machines, Giuliani Claims
Calling it the most shocking revelation yet, President Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani said he has compelling evidence that the ghost of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden worked with the ghost of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez to hack Dominion voting machines. Bin Laden and Chavez worked together to change millions of Trump votes to former Vice President Joe Biden,...
Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President
In his latest attempt to save President Donald Trump’s re-election bid, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has officially converted to Islam, named himself a mufti, and issued a fatwa declaring Trump the winner of the November 3 presidential election. The move is the latest attempt to reverse the election results by Trump’s legal team, which has come up...
ISIS Leader Wears Dress on Vogue Cover to Prove His Bravery
Looking to earn the respect of his organization’s fighters, ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi has agreed to appear on the cover of Vogue wearing a Gucci dress for the magazine’s January issue. Qurashi, who has struggled to earn the trust of his mujahadeen since his predecessor Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was killed, told The Mideast Beast that the idea came...
Madison Cawthorn Seals Two-State Solution After Converting Netanyahu, Abbas to Christianity
Congressman-elect Madison Cawthorn has brokered a historic peace deal between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, ending generations of distrust by convincing both leaders to convert to Christianity. Ending the religious dispute, Cawthorn explained, opened the door for a broader reconciliation. “Once we accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, all the other issues just...
US Progressives: Peace Deal Between Israel and UAE/Bahrain/Sudan Terrible for Middle East Peace
Once upon a time, prior to the advent of Twitter, any relationship between an Arab country and Israel would be cause for celebration, yet given the current climate in the Middle East, some are unsure of the normalization of relations between Israel, the United Arab Emirates (UAE), Bahrain, and now Sudan. While the historic deal between Israel, the Gulf states,...
Saudis Apologize for Executing Infidels Based on ‘Sexual Preference’
Acknowledging that the term is considered offensive, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman apologized for executing homosexuals based on their “sexual preference” rather than their sexual orientation. Bin Salman’s apology came after Kyle Griffin, a senior producer for MSNBC, pointed out on Twitter that the Saudi penal code called for “the beheading of the homosexual evildoers, who defy the will...
Trump Names Egypt’s Sisi Acting Defense Secretary
In a move that has alarmed Democrats, US President Donald Trump named Egyptian President Abdel Fattah al-Sisi, who came to power in a 2013 coup d’état, to replace former Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. The move comes amid fears that Trump will refuse to leave office following his loss to former Vice President Joe Biden in last week’s election. Sisi’s...
Biden Vows to Continue Trump’s Fight Against Satanic Pedophile Ring
Promising that there would be no daylight between his administration and his predecessor’s on the issue, President-elect Joe Biden vowed that his top priority upon taking office will be breaking up the satanic pedophile ring of Democratic politicians, Hollywood actors, religious figures and government officials that has been secretly ruling the world. “We must waste no time in battling climate...
Al Qaeda Mistakenly Attacks Four Seasons Landscaping Business
A terrorist attack at Four Seasons Total Landscaping caused one death and thousands of dollars of damages following a miscommunication between al Qaeda’s command and a suicide bomber. Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri had ordered the suicide bomber, Muhammad al-Upsi, to strike the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia, a luxury establishment frequented by wealthy westerners. But when al-Upsi entered “Four...
Dems Plan to Win Back Muslim Vote by Using Term ‘Muslimx’
With exit polls showing US President Donald Trump making gains among Muslim voters, Democratic leaders have announced plans to rename the religion ‘Islamx’ and its followers ‘Muslimx’ in an effort to be more inclusive. “It is clear that our messaging was not reaching Muslim communities as we expected, and we believe using colonialist heteronormative patriarchal terms like ‘Muslim’ and ‘Islam’...
Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies
Conceding that former Vice President Joe Biden has won round one of the presidential election, Donald Trump said his campaign plans to take a short break before gearing up for round two of the best-of-three election series. “Biden might have just barely won the first election because of the crooked media and rigged vote counters, but with your support I...