ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ALABAMA – Sharia Twain, the rapidly emerging Salafi-Jihadi country music queen, has launched her US tour in Birmingham, Alabama. The music star is expected to unveil her new single, “Mammas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Shiites.” Originally from Raqqa, Sharia Twain grew up listening to Tim McGraw and the Dixie Chicks in the days before the establishment of the Islamic State. In an interview, the country music star remarked, “I’ve loved country music but I always knew...

Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison

Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison

Hell, Near Tampa Florida – From the fiery depths of the underworld, the worst person in history sits steaming in his less-than-kampfy chair. But Adolf isn’t boiling as a result of his eternal punishment; rather he’s furious at being compared with the mango-Mussolini, the Cheeto-in-Chief, the President of the United States of America. “NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! How dare they compare me to zis nincompoop! Das Donald is an amateur compared to me! He can’t even properly deport illegals like I could. He’s...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Jerusalem Queer Eye for the Straight Rabbi

Jerusalem Queer Eye for the Straight Rabbi

Getting your ass flogged may sound like the latest sex trend, but in the Middle East, it most likely means you were caught being gay, and lucky you weren’t executed. So what is it like to be gay in Jerusalem, the epicenter of controversy and all that is holy (that’s what he said)? On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, Religious Gay Rights Activist, Nadav Schwartz, talks about the Rabbis who think gays are perverts destroying society, holding hands in public,...

ISIS Leader Furious After He’s Pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen

ISIS Leader Furious After He’s Pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is calling for a boycott of Showtime after the Islamic Caliph admitted he was pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen’s series “Who is America?” Baghdadi, who announced the formation of the Islamic State in April 2013, said he was led to believe he was being honored by fictional Israeli TV station “Yerushalayim Television” for its 70 at 70 program honoring pro-Israel leaders. “Since ISIS was created by the Mossad to attack Iran and sow discard across...

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

In a rare call for restraint from the terrorist group, ISIS’ leadership has criticized the UK’s Labour party for its anti-Semitic rhetoric, calling recent comments and online posts from the party’s leaders “a bit much.” “Listen, we hate the Jews as much as anyone, but you can’t just go around calling for Israel to be relocated to America, or saying Hitler was a Zionist,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “You have to show some sensitivity. Hell,...

IDF Finally Looking for a Few Ugly Women

IDF Finally Looking for a Few Ugly Women

As the possible ceasefire with Hamas looms over Israelis and Palestinians, it actually has caused some to question the fighting ability of the Israel Defense Force (IDF). “The problem is the women,” according to Tel Aviv resident Yona Ballwax. “Israeli women are just too attractive. Everyone knows that an ugly woman will distract a Palestinian. The more they look like goats, the better for the war. But they don’t. They’re annoyingly hot!” The American Army has confronted a similar predicament. “In general, ugly...

Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”

Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”

In the wake of the assassination of Syrian chemical weapons expert, Aziz Azbar, Israel has been on the defensive about its alleged role in the affair. Numerous international press organisations and political actors have pointed fingers at the Jewish State for being behind the attack. “Why does everyone think it’s us?”, one Israeli government spokesperson protested. “First, who says there was any foul play involved anyway. It’s very common for cars to spontaneously explode, particularly in this hot weather we’ve...

Trump Botches Response to Erdogan, Bans Export of Turkeys

Trump Botches Response to Erdogan, Bans Export of Turkeys

In a confused response to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s sanctions on American officials, US President Donald Trump announced a ban on the import and export of turkeys. Furious over news of Erdogan’s sanctions and the imprisonment of Andrew Brunson, an American pastor arrested in Turkey, Trump insisted that the US would boycott the fowl in retaliation. Advisors’ desperate attempts to explain that the Republic of Turkey had nothing to do with the large indigenous birds were in vain, as...

Eric Trump Detained by ICE

Eric Trump Detained by ICE

It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and his family kinda of just handed him over to the agents. It reminded me of when you see people abandoning...

“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event

“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event

“Definitely Not ISIS” has filed for a license to stage a free-speech rally later this month. The event will host prominent speakers from the Middle East and further afield. “We think that even if you don’t agree with what we have to say, we certainly deserve the right to say it,” Abu Bakr al-Newyorki, the organization’s spokesperson, told The Mideast Beast. “If you value freedom of speech like we do, then show up to the event and support us. Just an FYI, no...