Netanyahu Promises to Annex West Village if Re-Elected

Netanyahu Promises to Annex West Village if Re-Elected

Days after vowing to annex Jewish settlements in the West Bank during his next term, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today took it a step further with a promise to also declare sovereignty over Lower Manhattan’s West Village. “No one can stop the Jewish people or the Jewish nation state from building homes in the West Village or anywhere else in New York City,” Netanyahu said at a campaign rally. “From Hebrew Union College to Ben’s Deli, the West Village...

Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer

Trump Begins Building Wind Turbines in Iraq to Give ISIS Cancer

In a move aimed at dealing a death blow to what remains of the Islamic State, US President Donald Trump has launched a wind turbine-building campaign across Iraq and Syria with the aim of giving the group’s remaining fighters cancer. “Listen, we’ve totally defeated ISIS, believe me, but now we have to make sure all their fighters are dead so they can never come back,” Trump said in an address from the Oval Office. “The quickest way to kill someone...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Israel Prepares National Face-Palm Awaiting Netanyahu’s Desperate Racist Remark This Election Day

Israel Prepares National Face-Palm Awaiting Netanyahu’s Desperate Racist Remark This Election Day

The citizens of Israel are, with baited breath, collectively preparing their national face-palm in light of this year’s upcoming election day and the anticipated desperate and racist remark to be issued by the country’s incumbent premier, Binyamin Netanyahu. The national anticipation of global mockery and criticism aimed at the state of Israel’s democratic discourse is not unfounded as Netanyahu had previously commented on the day of the last general election that “Arab voters are coming out in droves” in a...

Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval

Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval

JERUSALEM — In his latest response to the UN Security Council’s resolution condemning his county’s settlement activity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has broken off all diplomatic relations with the city of Tel Aviv. “No one will tell us where Jews can or cannot build homes – not the UN, and certainly not those smug, open-minded Tel Aviv liberals,” Netanyahu said in a statement announcing his latest move. “If these Israelis consider themselves real Jews, they should move to Amona...

Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder”

Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder”

When Brunei announced strict anti-gay legislation, which would have homosexual acts (not to mention adultery) punishable by stoning to death, Middle Eastern nations expressed outrage that they were being “out-medievaled” by an obscure little south-east Asian kingdom. “Being totally medieval about homosexuality and various other progressive causes has been our brand for centuries. We made anti-gay laws what they are today”, said one spokesperson for the Saudi Arabian government. “Now all of a sudden ‘Little Brunei’ announces they’re in on...

Islamic State Leader Surprised Barr Memo Didn’t Mention Trump Joining ISIS

Islamic State Leader Surprised Barr Memo Didn’t Mention Trump Joining ISIS

Saying that he “thought it would have been kind of a big deal,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said he was a bit surprised to find US President Donald Trump’s pledge of allegiance to the Islamic State did not come up in Attorney General William Barr’s summary of the Mueller report. “I am no expert on American politics, but I thought the fact that President Trump formally swore to defend the Caliphate until his dying breath would have at least...

Extremists Worldwide Overjoyed That “You Can Hate Pretty Much Everyone” Following Former London Mayor Remarks

Extremists Worldwide Overjoyed That “You Can Hate Pretty Much Everyone” Following Former London Mayor Remarks

Extremists and terror groups worldwide ranging from ISIS and al-Qaeda to the IRA and Israel’s Kahanists have been celebrating following former Mayor of London and prominent ex-Labour party politician Ken Livingstone’s remark that “it’s not anti-Semitic to hate the Jews of Israel”. The groups are overjoyed that “you can hate pretty much everyone now” and are publishing a new guidebook to racism in honour of the outspoken Jeremy Corbyn ally. “It’s simply the best thing that’s happened since slavery”, one...

God Sends Jews ‘Past Due’ Notice for Torah

God Sends Jews ‘Past Due’ Notice for Torah

The Jewish world reacted with surprise and disappointment today as Israel’s Chief Rabbis held a rare press conference to explain that they had recently received a 3,000 year past due notice from God, demanding the return of the Torah. “The notice wasn’t a complete surprise,” explained one Chief Rabbi, Sucha Schmedrick. “I’ve been dodging the Almighty’s calls for a couple of months now.” Another Chief Rabbi, Alfasi Alfasi, was asked if he knew why this request had come now after so many...

Erdogan Calls Turkish Public ‘Zionist Agents’ After Party’s Election Loss

Erdogan Calls Turkish Public ‘Zionist Agents’ After Party’s Election Loss

After seeing his AKP party beaten in local elections in Ankara and Istanbul, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan declared that his country’s electorate is in fact made up entirely of Zionist agents and Nazi remnants. “It is now more important than ever that we stand up to the enemies of Turkey, which it now turns out includes the Turkish people themselves,” Erdogan said after election results came in. “I guess all Turks are just Zionists or PKK after all.” While the...

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

A new study from the Iranian Institute for the Advancement of anti-Semitism revealed that it’s the worst time in history to be an anti-Semite. The study showed that, since the inception of the Jewish state, it has become increasingly more difficult to persecute the Jews. When they started, the researchers said they hoped to show that persecuting Jews was as easy as “old times”, noting that “they are the only people on the planet running away from Europe towards the...