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BREAKING Mossad to Train Russia on Making Assets Less Obvious
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Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’
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UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Fire Kites
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Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country
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Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers
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ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement
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U.S. Dad Excited to Find Internet’s Cheapest Family Cruise off Somali Coast
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ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing
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Hamas Bans Plastic Bags
Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”
RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...
PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists
The Israeli parliament’s decision to bring forward legislation to financially penalize the Palestinian Authority by the amount they pay out to families of terrorists, has led to a call for compromise by the West Bank leadership. “We get it, honestly. We understand why the Israelis might be a bit pissed with us for dishing out dollars to encourage more stabbings”, a spokesman said. “But, not all our guys are that bad, Zionist-killing aside of course. More than one of them...
Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh
Noting that nobody could be more radical than Trump’s pick for the seat, Senate Democrats are urging the US president to replace Brett Cavanaugh with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “I demand that President Trump withdraw his pick immediately and appoint a moderate, like [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad or al-Baghdadi,” Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters said after Trump’s pick was announced. “Now, I admit that I haven’t Googled Cabernet, or whatever his [Kavanaugh’s] name is, yet, but since Trump picked him...
Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement
ISIS signed up to the Paris Climate Agreement yesterday whilst at the same time criticizing the United States which, following an executive order issued by President Trump, withdrew from the accords. “We recognize that planet earth belongs to all our children and that it is our global responsibility to look after it”, the Islamic terror group said in a statement. “By all our children, of course, we mean only those who recognize our cause for Jihad. The infidels’ children obviously...
Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Due to escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?” Despite heavy media attention on Israel, a deeper analysis has uncovered that the...
In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again claimed victory at the polls, this time declaring himself winner of the 2018 American Idol competition. “I am humbled and gratified that the voters of this competition have chosen to reward me for my talents,” Erdogan said at a rally in Ankara, the Turkish capital. “This is a win for Turkey and a blow to its terrorist and Zionist enemies.” His announcement came two weeks after the Turkish leader claimed victory for...
Uncovered: Iranian General Self-Publishes Weather-Themed Anthology of Poetry
Allowing the world to glimpse his sensitive side, General Gholam Reza Jalali debuted his book of poetry to a select group of Mullahs and Washington DC city council members on Monday. “In his welcoming he said, “For too long the Zionists have had a lock on literature. Philip Roth, Saul Bellow, that Anne Frank chick. Well now everyone can hear about my existential crisis.” The collection, entitled ‘First They Came for the Clouds’, owes its title to its first piece, which...
The Doctor is In… Scary is the New Sexy, or at Least for This Podcast
Click here to go straight to Sound Cloud to listen to the newest TMB podcast. He’s a doctor of terrorism, but that’s not even the terrifying part. On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast host Molly Livingstone gets in the mind of Dr. Matthew Levitt (his mom made us make sure we wrote DOCTOR), of The Washington Institute for Near East Policy, to discuss terrorism, countering that terrorism, and if this podcast is effectively doing both. Is Dr....
Trump, Netanyahu to Reaffirm Shared Values of Racism, Corruption & Nepotism
U.S. President Donald J. Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are scheduled to meet next month in Manila at a summit billed ‘Great Leaders Celebrating Great Common Values’. According to a statement issued by the White House, “President Trump and Prime Minister Netanyahu, along with other great world leaders, will participate in a two-day summit that will celebrate our core values, which can be broadly summed up to be whatever we think the braying base want to hear.” Netanyahu’s...
ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously
In a recent interview, former adult movie star Mia Khalifa said that she had been receiving death threats from ISIS and has seen photo-shopped pictures online of herself being beheaded. Khalifa made headlines in the past for participating in an adult video wearing a Hijab and has angered some over several Lebanese nationalistic tattoos as well as a Lebanese Flag on her body. An ISIS spokesman has expressed outrage over her actions saying: “I heard from a friend that these...