Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant
Calling the ice cream manufacturer an “existential threat” to the Jewish state – a phrase rarely ever used in Israeli political discourse – Israeli opposition leader and former prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called for air strikes against the Ben & Jerry’s dairy enrichment plant in Waterbury, Vermont. Netanyahu urged the US, which has more advanced technology and more powerful...
Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision
Calling it a fitting response to an act of unprovoked aggression, Israeli forces have entered Vermont and are pushing towards the capital of Montpelier. The invasion comes days after Ben & Jerry’s, a Unilever-owned ice cream company based in Burlington, announced that it would no longer sell its products in the West Bank and East Jerusalem. “I was not bluffing...
Joining Billionaire Space Race, Saudi Crown Prince Launches First Dissident into Space
Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has joined Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos in the billionaire space race, as the de facto Saudi leader launched the first dissident into space. Though the Crown Prince’s launch garnered little of the fanfare of Bezos’s nine-minute trip into the atmosphere, MBS was able to accomplish the feat with just a fraction of the...
Trying to Repair Ties to Jewish Community, Ben & Jerry’s Releases ‘Christian Blood Crunch’
In an effort to win back Jewish customers peeved over its decision to stop selling its products in West Bank settlements and East Jerusalem, Ben & Jerry’s announced that it will release a new flavor called ‘Christian Blood Crunch’ to be sold in Jewish communities worldwide. The flavor will contain real chunks of Christian children, company CEO Matthew McCarthy explained,...
Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream
In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish targets and small pebbles referencing...
‘Holocaust Was Wrong, But a Lot of Those Jews Were Cunts,’ Kenneth Roth Says
NEW YORK CITY — Human Rights Watch director Kenneth Roth is once again facing controversy for remarks some saw as justifying anti-Semitism, this time for calling holocaust victims “a bunch of cunts.” “The Holocaust was absolutely wrong and there is no excuse for the Nazi’s actions,” Roth tweeted Sunday. “But let’s face it – a lot of those Jews were...
Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts
BOMBED AP OFFICE, GAZA CITY — Due to always-escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel, while some actually have nothing to do with the Jewish State at all. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict...
Iran Considering Military Strike Against Itself following Suspicious Soil Sample
Iran declared Friday that it has not ruled out military action against Iran, after Iranian inspectors reported that a soil sample from the Parchin military base – where a recent explosion occurred – contained traces of radioactive material. “After conducting a thorough inspection of the Parchin facility, we have found substantial evidence to suggest we might be illegally enriching uranium,”...
Biden Invites UN Experts to Assess American Falafel
In yet another controversial move that critics say undermines the country’s sovereignty, US President Joe Biden, for a second time this week, has invited the United Nations to bring experts into the country to assess “falafel injustice.” Despite objections from Republicans, UN culinary expects will visit the country to examine the quality of America’s chickpea-based offerings and to ensure that...
Mossad: What Do You Mean “Reintroduction of” Track and Trace Apps?
Following other governments’ most recent reintroduction of coronavirus “track and trace” apps due to the onslaught of the Delta variant, Mossad announced this week that they’re sincerely confused by the term “reintroduction”, as they’ve been tracking citizens’ movements for years, for both national security and those ‘just in case’ scenarios. In a testament to the superiority of Israeli intelligence, Mossad...
Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”
The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long...
Saddam Finally Linked to 9/11 after Agents Find Lego Pentagon, World Trade Center in Palace
After nearly twenty years of hapless searching, agents within the US intelligence community have finally found the smoking gun linking the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to the September 11 attacks. The discovery comes a week after the FBI seized a Lego replica of the US Capitol as evidence from a suspect in the January 6 attack on the building....
‘But You Have a Great Literacy Program!’ Bernie Sanders Shouts at Cuban Protestors
US Senator and former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders boarded an emergency flight to Cuba late Sunday evening to remind Cubans protesting the communist regime that they have a great literacy program. “My fellow comrades, put down your American flags and return home. Your government loves you and has developed a great literacy program to teach you how to read,” Sanders...
Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign promise to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way...
Palestinians Are Ready to Elect a New President Who Will Stay Way Past Legal Term Limit
The results of a new poll were released today, illuminating the view Palestinians have of their leadership. West Bank Palestinians were asked about their feelings towards current Palestinian Authority President, Mahmoud Abbas. Abbas was elected President in 2005, and was slated to serve until 2009. However, he extended his term and remains in power to this day, which is a...
Taliban Sees Pushback Over ‘Critical Jihad Theory’
Just as it prepares to retake the country, the Taliban is seeing its popularity in Afghanistan wane due to its support for “Critical Jihad Theory.” Taliban officials have insisted that schools, major companies and the military all teach Critical Jihad Theory, or CJT, which teaches that all people are either “infidels” or “anti-infidels.” Training seminars at major Afghan corporations urge...
Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study Finds
A monumental shift in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is sure to take place following the release of some astonishing findings in a new Hebrew University study. The multi-year study investigated a somewhat simple hypothesis, but one which is rarely considered. It turns out, the paper states, “That contrary to what many believe, Palestinians are just regular people. Like the authors of...
Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler
Mr Estevez looks very familiar, like someone you might recognize had the years been kinder. He has an odd accent for a person who claims to have lived his whole life in beautiful Buenos Aires, Argentina. Spanish with a twinge of something stern that’s hard to place. This polite old man has been claiming in recent days that he knows...
Squad Members Say There Were ‘Very Fine People on Both Sides’ of Stabbing of Israeli Rabbi in Boston
Calling it a complicated and nuanced situation, members of the far-Left “Squad” insisted that there were “very fine people on both sides” of an anti-Semitic stabbing attack in Boston last week. While noting that she did not condone 24-year-old Khaled Awad’s decision to stab Rabbi Shlomo Noginski outside a Jewish day school, Rep. Ilhan Omar urged her supporters not to...
British Protests, Violence Mark 245 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans put social distancing – and severe political polarization – on hold to celebrate the 245th anniversary of its independence with barbeques at Delta-ridden gatherings, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...