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BREAKING New York Times Praises Saudis for Not Putting White Man on Moon
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Benjamin Netanyahu Reconsiders Telling Palestinians to “Go Back Where They Came From”
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Ilhan Omar: Greatest Threats to America Are Racism and the Jews
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Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country
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North Korean Leader Says Nuclear Program Necessary Because Women Made Fun of His Height
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ISIS Leader: ‘Nobody Knew Reestablishing the Caliphate Could Be So Complicated’
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Saudi Royal Family Surprised by Lack of Ties to Jeffrey Epstein
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ISIS Leader Blasts Pelosi for Singling Out Terrorists of Color
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Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts
ISIS Abandons Qur’an For Being Too Peaceful, Adopts Gospel According To Wile E. Coyote
After constant accusations of not truly representing Islam, thus leading to the downfall of its faux Caliphate, the Islamic State has decided that the Qur’an will no longer be the guiding force to their movement. The militant radicals will instead follow the far more violent scripture of mid 20th century American cartoons. Following visits from Acme missionaries to the Middle East, the Islamic State learned about the prophet Wile E. Coyote and his many sacrifices for the sake of violence....
Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg to Join ISIS
Saying he was furious over criticism that his site had contributed to the spread of fake news leading up to, and continuing after, the November 8, 2016 U.S. presidential election, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that he will be moving to Syria and joining ISIS. “The claim that Facebook is awash with false and misleading news is completely unfounded,” Zuckerberg told The Mideast Beast. “That is why I have decided to fight the American infidels on behalf of the resurgent...
Following Melania’s Successful Campaign Against Cyberbullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism
Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying nearly three years ago, and her clear success at it thus far as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, Adolf Hitler’s longtime mistress, noted. “We have to find a better way to respect religious differences without turning to hatred or prejudice.” Braun announced that...
Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling
HAIFA- Engineers at the Technion (Israel Institute of Technology), have announced their intention to solve one of the greatest hurdles to everyday travel by jetpack. With the popularity of Iron Man and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, an increasing number of individuals and companies have attempted to build working jetpacks. But regardless of their fuel efficiency, potential speed, or likelihood of killing you in a fiery epic faceplant, they all invariably run into the same problem. You just can’t seriously laugh in...
With Latest Corporate Merger, Israel Becomes Subsidiary of Evangelical Christian Right, Inc.
Since its founding in 1948, Israel has proudly declared itself the “Homeland of the Jewish People.” That title will now undergo some workshopping as a result of the merger announced yesterday. As part of the deal, Evangelical Christians will allow Israel to retain the famous “Jewish State” brand due to its commercial popularity, but all profit generated by that brand will be funneled into the machinery of the larger entity of the Evangelical Christian Right (ECR). “We didn’t pursue this merger...
British Protests, Violence Mark 243 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans celebrate the 243rd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed...
Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist
After dominating the sneaker business for decades, athletic apparel firm Nike announced that it will stop making footwear after spokesman and former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick insisted that shoes are a symbol of racism and slavery. Nike had just announced the launch of its latest basketball shoe, which it planned to sell for $199 a pair, when Kaepernick insisted in a series of tweets that shoes are “a tool of oppression and white supremacy.” “I heard that, like, slave owners...
ISIS Presidential Frontrunner Criticized for Past Opposition to School Bus Bombing
The frontrunner in the ISIS presidential election has seen a dramatic drop in the polls after an opponent attacked his opposition decades ago to school bus bombings. Former Vice Caliph Yusef al-Bideni appeared stunned when his challenger, Kamal bin Harisi, brought up his criticism of bus bombing, which dates back to the 1970s. “Mr. al-Bideni claims to have evolved since then, but if he could oppose something as clearly righteous as bus bombing, why should we trust him?” Harisi asked....
Jews, Nazis Agree: Trump’s Migrant Detention Centers Not Concentration Camps
NEW YORK – In a rare joint statement released today, groups of American Jews and Neo-Nazis declared in one voice, “the strongly held conviction that the detention facilities currently housing migrant children on the Southern border do not qualify as ‘concentration camps’ by any historical standard we recognize.” Controversy surrounding the detention centers came to a crescendo in recent days as prominent public figures, including Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortex, referred to the facilities as “concentration camps.” Reports of children being taken...
Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages
A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical Islamists has rendered the hereafter utopia struggling to meet the demand of rising numbers of fanatical militants killed in the name of...