“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

In an attempt to regain some of the attention which has dissipated to ISIS in recent years, Al Qaeda is set to publish a provocatively titled new fighting manual and will be hosting their first book launch next week. Entitled “Fifty Shades of Jihad”, the manual is marketed as a “guide for both the expert and the uninitiated in the world of radical Islamism” and is said to “encompass all the intricate and often sensual facets of Quranic-inspired terrorism”. A...

In Compromise, US Embassy Moves From Tel Aviv to Cyprus

In Compromise, US Embassy Moves From Tel Aviv to Cyprus

In a decision which has thus far pleased absolutely nobody, the United States has moved its embassy from Tel Aviv to Cyprus in what American officials termed “the best compromise we could come up with.” “For decades now, we’ve been telling the Israelis that we’re going to move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem”, explained one official. “President Trump didn’t seem to realize that this is just the kind of thing we say but don’t really mean. Like when...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’

Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and US Mideast envoy Jared Kushner have reached an agreement to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, with Israel keeping all its settlement blocs and the Palestinians receiving an independent state in ‘The Sims’ videogame. The deal, according to sources close to the prince, would see Jerusalem recognized as Israel’s capital, all settlements in the West Bank annexed and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu named as Grand Mufti. The Palestinians, meanwhile, would be awarded sovereignty in...

Trump Signs Waiver to Move US Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, New York

Trump Signs Waiver to Move US Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, New York

WASHINGTON, D.C – The Trump Administration has been weighing the possibility of moving the US embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to the contested capital of West Jerusalem for some time. However, it now seems President Trump has sidestepped his advisors and signed a waiver which will functionally move the embassy from Tel Aviv to the small town of Jerusalem in Yates County, New York. Sources confirm that Trump was under the impression that West Jerusalem referred to a town...

ISIS Leader on Matt Lauer’s Firing: Seriously, What the Fuck Is Wrong with You People?

ISIS Leader on Matt Lauer’s Firing: Seriously, What the Fuck Is Wrong with You People?

In an interview with The Mideast Beast, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi reacted with shock at the sudden firing of the Today Show anchor Matt Lauer, after allegations of sexual harassment surfaced from multiple employees. Details have emerged that the beloved balding morning show host gave a sex toy to a co-worker as a present along with an illicit note, as well as having a button under his desk that automatically locked his office doors. The leader of the international...

ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan

ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan

Archaeologists have used satellite imaging to discover an ancient structure buried near the historic city of Petra in Jordan, you know, the site in Indiana jones and the Last Crusade. “This find is incredible!” exclaimed archaeologist Dr. Lucy Peatbog. “This discovery gives us a better sense of how civilizations in this area lived thousands of years ago. What’s next? We discover Atlantis, Xanadu, maybe those Clinton emails? With this tech, I’d believe it.” But ancient history fans aren’t the only...

Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down

Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down

Declaring that he would rather die than see his followers forced to live without his enlightening tweets, US President Donald Trump swallowed a small vile of poison after learning his Twitter account had been deactivated. Trump’s dramatic action took place after the president was rebuked for retweeting anti-Muslim videos posted by a right-wing British activist. When he was unable to login to Twitter, he assumed that the site had once again shut him out, though he later discovered that he...

Journalists to Use Only Made-up Words When reporting stories in Isradooble and West-Shimysham

Journalists to Use Only Made-up Words When reporting stories in Isradooble and West-Shimysham

JERUBBLE TOWN – Journalists have announced that from now on when reporting on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict they will use only made-up words. A CNN journalist explained, “There aren’t any words we can use that won’t offend one side or the other. Call it ‘the security wall’, the BDS-ers whine that we’re undermining the Palestinians. Mention the word ‘occupation’ and the Hasbara trolls come out of the wood work screaming about ‘internationally disputed territory,’ ugh. So, we’ve decided to just make up...

Following Egypt Mosque Attack, Internet Flooded with Outpouring of Support, Personal Reflections

Following Egypt Mosque Attack, Internet Flooded with Outpouring of Support, Personal Reflections

In the wake of an attack on a mosque in Egypt’s Sinai Peninsula by ISIS militants which killed 305 people, the internet community has expressed absolute shock and horror, and individuals around the world have begun to reflect on the fragility of their own lives and those of their friends and family. According to data provided by Twitter, over 30 million people have shared the trending hashtag #StandWithEgypt, and in figures provided by Facebook, no fewer than three million users...

No # For Egypt – New TMB Podcast

No # For Egypt – New TMB Podcast

If there’s no hashtag, then did it really happen? Hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss the recent terrorist attack in Egypt that killed over 300 worshipers, asking what the attack means for the region and what it means if no one is tweeting about it. Does the world care more about a royal wedding, or are Alex and Molly just being pessimists? Listen and share your thoughts, or at least a hashtag. The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available...