The Hagia Sophia to Reopen as a Disney World
This week the CEO of the only globalist organization Trump hasn’t pulled out of, Disney World, reopened its parks during a surge of infections. Similarly controversially, Turkish President Erdogan decided to revert the Hagia Sophia into a mosque because, as it turns out, a pandemic is boring without a backdrop of sectarian violence. However, both leaders quickly realized that these...
Hundreds of Saudi Writers Sign Letter Decrying ‘Behead Culture’
In an effort to push back against an increasing intolerance towards political dissent in their country, more than 150 Saudi writers and intellectuals have signed an open letter denouncing “behead culture.” The letter comes amidst a growing number of cases in which Saudis were beheaded for seemingly mundane offenses, such as mildly criticizing Sharia Law or citing evidence that mass...
Erdogan to Turn Istanbul Airport into a Mosque
After successfully turning Hagia Sophia into a mosque, Turkish President and Middle Eastern Gollum look-alike, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, announced he now plans to convert the recently opened Istanbul Airport into a Muslim house of worship. Erdogan proposed handing the airport over to the Religious Affairs Directorate, which would close the $12 billion hub to air traffic and instead create a...
Middle East Peace at Risk as Jared Still Distracted by Leading Role in Fight against Coronavirus
News that the President’s son-in-law – and Westworld robot voted “most unconvincing” three years in a row – Jared Kushner, remains in his leading and effective position in the domestic fight against the coronavirus has been met with dismay throughout the Middle East. A Saudi government spokesman commented, “Well now what? We figured the US would’ve had the virus under...
Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose
Calling it a momentous step towards recognition of the LGBTQ+ community, Saudi Arabia announced that all homosexuals executed during pride month would be hung from a rainbow noose or beheaded with a rainbow-colored ax. Though human rights activists said much further process remains necessary, the announcement marks a major step forward for gay equality in the kingdom. “We have a...
Netanyahu: 100% of Security Chiefs I’ve Hired to Replace Current Security Chiefs Support Annexation
Many people have questioned Prime Minister Netanyahu’s claims that the Israeli security community supports his annexation plan, mainly due to the fact that several security experts say they don’t. After weeks of back and forth, these differing viewpoints led Netanyahu to finally admit that, yes 100% of security chiefs support him, he just hasn’t hired them yet. “It’s only a...
Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’
After years of protest from white people offended by the name “Redskins,” the Washington D.C. football franchise announced that it will change its name and begin the 2020 season as the “Washington Towelheads.” “Given the D.C. Metro area’s growing Arab population, we wanted to honor this new potential fanbase,” team owner Daniel Snyder said. “I Googled ‘nicknames for Arabs,’ and...
Assad Ends Attacks on Sunnis After Reading ‘Alawite Fragility’
Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has called off his attacks on the country’s Sunni population after reading Angela de Robin’s bestseller Alawite Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for Alawite Dictators to Talk About Sectarianism. Assad, who had waged a nearly decade-long war on his country’s Sunnis and Kurds, said the book opened his eyes to his own subconscious bias against Muslims...
ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group
In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, what remains of the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a...
UNRWA II Established for CHAZ Refugees
The United Nations has launched a second UN Relief and Works Agency to support refugees from the now-defunct nation of CHAZ. The agency, which will be called UNRWA II, will provide services for the dozens of refugees evicted from their country when the regime of Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan invaded and ethnically cleansed the enclave. “Many of those forced to...
American Troops to Resurrect Saddam Statue
In a bid to protect his wax figure at Madame Tussauds, President Trump recently signed an executive order protecting confederate monuments. This order decreed that although these statues remind many of a reign of terror and bloodshed against their families, the statues are necessary reminders of historical truths. Real Americans, Trump says, do not topple intimate objects, which is why...
Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy
Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world that it is, indeed, a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing an ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “Look at other successful terrorist organizations; all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible. In the name of Allah, what do...
Trump Proposes Turning Hagia Sophia into Casino
Looking to find a compromise between proponents of keeping the site as a museum and those looking to turn it into a mosque, President Donald Trump has released a plan to turn the famed Hagia Sophia in Istanbul into a state-of-the-art casino. Trump’s proposal comes as a Turkish court considers a plan to turn the UNESCO World Heritage Site, which...
British Protests, Violence Mark 244 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans put social distancing on hold to celebrate the 244th anniversary of its independence with illegal barbeques at forbidden gatherings due to the novel coronavirus, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...
Trump to Annex Israel as 51st State as Netanyahu Drops Plans to Annex West Bank
In a move the administration is calling “historic,” the Trump administration announced this morning that the United States of America intends on admitting the State of Israel into the Union by August as the official the 51st State. “We already give them huge amounts of money each year to buy weapons that are ours anyhow,” Trump wrote in a tweet...
Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict
Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to hate-post as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch of white people outside...
Palestinians Decry Unilateral Annexation as Denying Palestinian’s Historical Right to Say “No”
The Palestinian Authority continues to protest Netanyahu’s plans for unilateral annexation of parts of the West Bank as destructive to the peace process and denies Palestinians their historic right to say “No” to literally any other solution that might actually work. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said in a public statement that the Palestinian people would not be denied their historical...
Iran: Coronavirus, Not Violent Homophobia, Reason for Pride Cancellation
June is Pride Month, and in many countries it is a time to celebrate sexual diversity by plastering rainbow flags on pretty much anything and holding parades where people dance down the streets in speedos spreading glitter on everyone and everywhere. However, this year’s festivities are being put on hold because of the relentless novel coronavirus. One country, however, will...
ISIS Wins Left-Wing Support After Changing Name to Anti-ISIS
Islamic terror group ISIS has seen a surge in popularity, particularly among left-leaning millennials, after officially changing its name to “Anti-ISIS.” The group emphasized that it has not altered its mission or ideology and will continue to inflict mass casualty attacks on innocent civilians, primarily in the Muslim World. But calling itself Anti-ISIS has allowed the group to frame all...
Princeton Replaces Wilson School of International Affairs with ‘Kushner School of Winging It’
The latest public reckoning around racist, or as academia calls them “controversial,” figures befell Princeton University this weekend as activists pushed for the removal of Woodrow Wilson’s name from the School of International Affairs. In a surprise move the administration agreed with the students, stating that the name “International Affairs” is outdated and should be replaced with something more representative...