Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It
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Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It

In another move aimed at supporting the anti-Israel BDS movement, Irish author Sally Rooney announced that she will double the price of her new novel to prevent Jews, notoriously stingy, from buying the book. Determined to ensure her book is not read by any Israelis or Zionists, Rooney already refused to allow her book to be translated into Hebrew. But...

Brian Laundrie Lands Job at Saudi Consulate
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Brian Laundrie Lands Job at Saudi Consulate

Disgraced Instagram influencer and suspect murderer Brian Laundrie has re-emerged after a month in hiding and is now working as a visa processor at Saudi Arabia’s consulate in Miami. Laundrie, who is suspected of killing girlfriend Gabby Petito during a cross-country trip this summer, was believed to have either fled or to be in hiding. But it turns out Laundrie...

Brian Laundrie Killed by US Special Forces in Pakistan
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Brian Laundrie Killed by US Special Forces in Pakistan

Suspected murderer Brian Laundrie was killed Thursday night by US special forces while hiding out at his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, President Biden announced in a special address to the nation. Laundrie, who was believed to be behind the death of girlfriend Gabby Petito, had somehow managed to slip past American troops in Florida and make his way through the...

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career
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Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client.  “You expect to get away from it...

AOC Proposes Funding Recycled “Bamboo Dome” for Israel
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AOC Proposes Funding Recycled “Bamboo Dome” for Israel

Calling the Iron Dome missile defense system an environmental nightmare, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is now recommending the US instead fund the carbon-neutral “recycled Bamboo Dome.” Her suggestion came in a long Instagram post defending her “present” vote on funding the Iron Dome. “A lot of people are like, ‘well you voted against building a dome over Israel to stop the...

Equality! Taliban Bans Biological Males and Biological Females from Participating in Women’s Sports
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Equality! Taliban Bans Biological Males and Biological Females from Participating in Women’s Sports

Much like a six-foot tall Army Special Forces soldier wrestling a lady, sports organizations around the world have been wrestling with the contentious issue of transgender athletes in women’s sports. Those opposed to the idea argue that differences in size, hormones, and bone density make it unsafe for transgender athletes and cisgender athletes to compete against one another. While other...

California Inspiration! Taliban Opponents Launch Recall Effort
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California Inspiration! Taliban Opponents Launch Recall Effort

Motivated by California Republicans’ failed effort to recall Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom, Afghans opposed to Taliban rule have launched their own recall petition to throw the Islamist group out of office. The petition already has more than 30 million signatures, including every woman in the country. While Taliban rule has been met with opposition since the militant group took over...

Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic
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Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic

Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett announced yesterday that Israel will reform Covid-19 social distancing orders to allow Muslims to gather in crowded places and pray together. “This reform is the first of its kind in the world” Bennett said in a video posted to his Facebook Page. “This move shows once and for all how Israel is a democracy that...

Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance
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Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance

In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday
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The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the Five F’s” –  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of...

Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards
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Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards

The Israel Prison Service is facing tough questions over its decision to hire the guards tasked with monitoring Jeffrey Epstein to protect six Palestinian prisoners. The guards, Tova Noel and Michael Thomas, had been assigned to protect Epstein when the financier and convicted sex offender was found dead in his cell in August 2019. Speaking on the condition of anonymity,...

Taliban Leader Wears ‘Death to the West’ Tux to Met Gala
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Taliban Leader Wears ‘Death to the West’ Tux to Met Gala

Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar has received both praise and accusations of hypocrisy after photos emerged of the militant wearing a “Death to the West” tuxedo while appearing at the star-studded Met Gala in New York City. Baradar, who flew in for the event on a UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter, used the $35,000-per-ticket celebration to rail against America’s materialistic capitalism....

Abbas Resigns as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station
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Abbas Resigns as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Monday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the...