Al Qaeda Demands U.S. Adopt Metric System

Al Qaeda Demands U.S. Adopt Metric System

Calling it his group’s ultimate and final demand, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri released a message this week, threatening massive attacks against U.S. targets unless Americans immediately and exclusively begin using the metric system. “For years, we have fought against the American crusaders for their imperialism, their attacks on Muslim countries and their support for infidel regimes,” Zawahiri explained in the video. “But it seems like now ISIS has got that covered, so if the Americans will just adopt the...

Salazar Backs Off Claims She Founded PLO

Salazar Backs Off Claims She Founded PLO

Following her convincing win in the Democratic primary, New York State Senate candidate Julia Salazar is walking back claims that she both founded the Palestine Liberation Organization and helped launch the First Intifada. Salazar, who first made headlines when her claims to be a Jewish immigrant from a working class family unraveled, looked to appeal voters on the far left by positioning herself as a leader in the Palestinian movement. “I just got so fed up with the Israeli occupation...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages

Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages

A new academic study has suggested that Middle East conflicts may never come to an end because the warring sides all have incompatible love languages. “The primary Palestinian love language is physical touch, you see, whereas Israel’s is receiving gifts. This has caused all sorts of problems”, the author of the ground-breaking study writes. “In recent years, Palestinians have really loved exacting the physical touch aspect on Israel, with numerous young Palestinians stabbing and assaulting Israelis. Because physical touch isn’t...

Assad Loses Support After Smoking Weed on Joe Rogan Show

Assad Loses Support After Smoking Weed on Joe Rogan Show

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has seen his coalition crumble after the dictator smoked marijuana during an appearance on the Joe Rogan Show. Assad appeared on the popular podcast in an effort to broaden his support by acting more relatable. “People always see me as the politician, or as the soldier fighting ISIS or dropping chemical weapons on Sunni schoolchildren,” Assad said during the interview. “This will give listeners the chance to know Bashar the person, and you know what, I...

Putin Admits He Wrote Nyt Op-Ed

Putin Admits He Wrote Nyt Op-Ed

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been revealed as the anonymous senior official who authored a controversial New York Times op-ed saying he is working to thwart parts of President Trump’s agenda. “I do not regret my decision to install Trump as a puppet leader and I appreciate many parts of his divisive agenda,” Putin told The Mideast Beast in revealing himself as the author. “However, I do not want my legacy tarnished through my association with some of his less...

Paraguay Universally Praised for Creating Mideast Peace by Moving Embassy

Paraguay Universally Praised for Creating Mideast Peace by Moving Embassy

Paraguay has been universally praised for bringing peace to the Middle East as Israelis and Palestinians reached a final peace deal and promised to end all conflict. Peace came shortly after Paraguay’s decision to reverse their Israeli embassy move by returning their embassy to Tel Aviv on the grounds that they wanted to “achieve a broad, fair and lasting peace in the Middle East”. “It was all because of Paraguay”, one United Nations official said in a press release. “We...

White House Communications Team Hires ISIS Leader al-Baghdadi

White House Communications Team Hires ISIS Leader al-Baghdadi

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accepted a position last week as an assistant to Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When asked what al-Baghdadi’s role would be, Sanders commented “He’ll just be fetching coffee, making copies, maybe being the next Attorney General, that kind of thing.” “He came into the job interview and just said ‘Look, I’ll be honest, most of my work experience involved murder, torture, genocide, but my old gig just didn’t work out and I was hoping you’d...

Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up

Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up

The Israel Defense Force (IDF) is reportedly giddy with excitement that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is putting on its big boy shoes and coming out to play. As rockets rained down on the Golan Heights, soldiers were seen high-fiving each other whilst applying ‘Next Stop Tehran’ stickers to the turrets of their tanks. A senior officer commented, “We’ve checked Google Maps this morning, and it seems a pretty straight forward route. We anticipate some delays around the Baghdad ring road, but only...

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

AFGHANISTAN – Terrorist leaders are reportedly disheartened after learning that ‘SJW’ doesn’t stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior. “On the news, we heard how these students were harassing Jews on U.S. campuses, and how much they love Islamists like Linda Sarsour. They refer to these students as ‘SJWs’ and we just sort of assumed SJW meant Salafi-Jihadi Warrior.” Another leader explained, “But then we got confused because then they started saying how the hijab is a symbol of women’s liberation or how...

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client.  “You expect to get away from it all for just a couple thousand years and that when you get back, all your affairs will still be in...