12-Step Program for Anti-Israel Addicts
THE INTERNET — On Thursday evening The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with Dr. Ye Rashida-Cortez, Director of the Anti-Israel Addicts Anonymous group, who has developed a 12-step program not just for “Israel = apartheid” addicts but specifically tailored for addicts who get every. fucking. thing. wrong. about Israel. Ye Rashida-Cortez noted, “At least drunks can be fun...
‘I Only Share Nuclear Secrets with the Best People,’ Trump Vows
Responding to reports that the FBI raided his Mar-a-Lago home in search of classified nuclear documents, former President Donald Trump assured that he only shares highly sensitive nuclear secrets, such as the launch codes and the location of nuclear weapons, with “the very best people.” “Everyone is like, ‘Woah, Trump stole nuclear documents from the White House and brought them...
Raid on Mar-A-Lago Proves Trump Hair a Comb Over, FBI Says
Monday’s raid on the Mar-A-Lago home of former US President Donald J. Trump has produced “indisputable proof” that the former president has for years been covering up his receding hairline, senior FBI officials confirmed. Federal officials took the dramatic step after receiving an anonymous tip that, despite the appearance of a full head of hair, Trump is in fact completely...
Assad, Putin and Khamenei to Form Hard Rock Supergroup: ‘New Axis of Evil’
The apparent alliance between Iran, Syria and Russia culminated Friday with the release of a self-titled album ‘New Axis of Evil.’ It features Putin on lead guitar and vocals, Khamenei on bass and backup vocals, and Assad on drums. Khamenei’s ‘Sanction City’ is a bluesy number, with a lot of passion behind it, but it is Putin’s hard rock cover...
Al-Qaeda Shocked Biden Won’t Swap for Imprisoned Kyrie Irving
Expecting a bonanza similar to that offered to Russia in exchange for imprisoned WNBA star Brittney Griner, al-Qaeda officials are reportedly shocked at how stingy the Biden administration is being in negotiations for NBA star Kyrie Irving. The Islamist terror group, which captured Irving after luring him to Yemen to play in the Jihadi Basketball Association, hoped to trade him...
Bush to Lend Putin ‘Mission Accomplished’ Banner
After Russian President Vladimir Putin announced an end to his country’s ‘denazification operations’ in Ukraine, despite continual bombings of civilian areas, the Russian strongman has reportedly asked former U.S. President George W. Bush to lend him the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner Bush once displayed during a 2003 speech announcing the end of major combat operations in Iraq. “With our mission in...
British Protests, Violence Mark 246 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans put social distancing – severe political polarization and women’s rights – on hold to celebrate the 246th anniversary of its independence with barbeques at Omicron-ridden gatherings, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out...
Netanyahu Says He Was Forced Into Opposition Because Lawmakers Wanted to Date Him
Taking a page from US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s playbook, former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu now blames strong sexual attraction from fellow creepy weirdo members of the Knesset for his failure to form a government last year. Netanyahu says that nearly all lawmakers believed he was the best choice to lead the Jewish State for another term but were so...
With de Blasio Gone, Assad Excited to Once Again be World’s Worst Leader
After eight years languishing in the number two spot, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad proudly reclaimed the title of “world’s worst leader” on New Year’s Day when New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio officially left office. Assad had held the title from 2011 to 2014 after launching a relentless campaign against Syrian civilians, as his nation descended into civil war....
2022 off To Good Start After World Leaders Reveal Truly Inspirational New Year’s Resolutions
Across the globe, and especially in the Middle East, leaders and politicians – from popes to Ayatollahs and from Presidents to Vice Presidents – rang in 2022 with their own New Year’s resolutions. The Mideast Beast, in a joint operation with Wikileaks, has exclusively obtained documents revealing the New Year’s Resolutions of the following political figures: Russian President Vladimir Putin:...
God Lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2022nd Time
After another year of war between Middle Eastern countries and factions, and a never-ending global pandemic, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2020 was a bust and 2021 definitely didn’t go as planned, but new year, new me! In 2022 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars. No promises on Covid....
European Official Claims Spike in Anti-Semitism Due to “Reading Chart Upside-Down”
Amid fears that anti-Semitism is beginning to rear its ugly head on the once fertile, Jew-hating soil of Europe, an exodus off the continent has begun. Jews are starting to treat Europe like a bagel shop that ran out of lox, with more and more leaving every year. Many theories have been put forward as to why this migration is...
A Year of Shadowbans & Jail Time: The Mideast Beast’s Top 12 Articles of 2021 That You Probably Missed
Hello fans! We had a clever write-up prepared but, in all honesty, we didn’t want to waste any more of your time that you could be spending enjoying what’s left of this spectacular year. So, let’s just get on with it. For your reading pleasure…that you were robbed of…all year long 👇 ‘Why Do Only Loser Congresspeople Like Us?’ Hamas...
Palestinians Hire Kevin McCallister to Train in Anti-Occupation Resistance
Looking to finally achieve independence, the Palestinian Authority has hired Chicago resident Kevin McCallister to advise the government on how to resist occupation against a stronger invading force. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas reached out to McCallister after seeing how he fought off attempts by a crime duo known as the “Wet Bandits,” first in his family’s home outside Chicago and...
Santa Still Stuck at Port of LA, Deliveries Delayed Until Easter
A backlog at the Port of Los Angeles threatened Christmas for millions of American children, as Santa Claus and his reindeer were stuck at the LA shipping docks due to the supply chain crisis. Now, experts say, Santa might not make it into every home until as late as April, meaning millions of children will be without their toys until...
Blitzen Killed Over Israel as Iron Dome Mistakes Santa’s Sleigh for Missile
A detection error by Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, took out one of Santa’s reindeer and threatened to derail Christmas Friday night. Saint Nick was flying from Lebanon into northern Israel, where he was set to deliver toys to Christian children in and around Nazareth. When the Iron Dome detected a suspicious group of objects flying low in the...
ISIS-K Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’
Santa Claus is being held by ISIS-K fighters in Afghanistan, as the Islamic State in the Khorasan Province is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS-K fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s...
Iran Releases ‘A Christmas Story’ Remake in Which Little Ali Asks Santa for a Nuke
Looking to tap into Americans’ nostalgia for Christmas movies, the Islamic Republic of Iran has released a modern remake of the holiday classic ‘A Christmas Story.’ But instead of nine-year-old Ralphie Parker, the main character of the remake is 82-year-old Persian boy Ali Khamenei. And rather than asking Santa for a BB gun, Little Ali just wants a military nuclear...
Iranians Announce Soleimani Prize for Revolutionary Leaders Who Don’t Die in Drone Strikes
Following the not-at-all shocking report that Israeli intelligence was involved in the U.S. targeted strike that killed the commander of the Quds Force (IRGC), Iranian President Hassan Rouhani announced the formation of a committee to award the ״Major General Soleimani Prize״. The prize – in memory of the infamous general who died in January 2020 from complications related to a...
Santa’s Sleigh Lodged in Suez Canal
As if supply chain disruptions weren’t bad enough already, Tuesday evening Santa’s sleigh became jackknifed in the Suez Canal, blocking boat traffic indefinitely. While attempting to unload a pallet of PlayStation 5’s from a cargo ship for the few good Christian children in the Middle East, Donner and Blitzen backed up too quickly, tangled their reigns, and lodged Santa’s Sleigh...