Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by the attack, especially after the diplomatic letter sent by the Beverly Hills Ambassador to Iran, Ms. Rose McGowan. Survivors surveyed...

Trump Declares Day of Rage against Uncooperative Pentagon

Trump Declares Day of Rage against Uncooperative Pentagon

President Trump has reportedly declared a Day of Rage against the Pentagon. The escalating move comes after the Pentagon rejected Trump’s threat to bomb Iranian cultural sites. A mildly irritated President Trump told The Mideast Beast: “Nobody can give better orders than me. The undrained Pentagon swamp consists of unstable total losers, probably secret Pocahontas or Bernie Slanders supporters. As long as a stable genius like me leads the US, the Pentagon will do exactly as I tell them. If...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses

Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses

Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually read the Hague Convention, and it definitely doesn’t mention lush greens and challenging water obstacles anywhere.” A Pentagon spokesman commented,...

Iran Accepts Rose McGowan as Refugee

Iran Accepts Rose McGowan as Refugee

Calling it a sign of mercy towards the American people, the Iranian government has accepted Rose McGowan’s asylum claim following the actress’ tweet begging the ayatollahs’ forgiveness following recent US airstrikes. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the country’s Supreme Leader, launched a daring mission to rescue McGowan after she tweeted, “We are being held hostage by a terrorist regime. We do not know how to escape. Please do not kill us.” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast that Iranian fighter planes were already...

Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles

Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles

President Donald Trump said he has added domestic Iranian cultural sites, including Los Angeles’s “Little Persia,” to its list of potential targets in the event of an Iranian attack. “This is a WARNING! If Iran strikes America, we will bomb anything Iranian that we can find!” Trump tweeted Sunday morning. “We will start by wiping out Persian Square in LA, and if that doesn’t stop the ayatollahs we will begin rounding up Persian cats!” Little Persia, also known as Tehrangeles,...

Dems Support Airstrike After Soleimani’s Old Tweets Emerge

Dems Support Airstrike After Soleimani’s Old Tweets Emerge

Democrats initially opposed to President Trump’s decision to take out Iran’s Quds Force Commander Qasem Soleimani have reversed course after decade-old offensive tweets by the general emerged. Leading Democrats now call the strike long overdue after the tweets – described as sexist, homophobic, and Islamophobic – were discovered by a blogger for the Huffington Post. “Just watched 45 minutes of the new Ghostbusters movie – boring!” one tweet declared. “Sorry broads, but Tina Fey is no Dan Aykroyd.” “Is it...

Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People

Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People

Pondering how to respond to American air strikes that took out his top general, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei admitted that he longed for the days when the greatest threat to his power was the Iranian populace looking for basic human rights. “You know who never kills your top military officials in a drone strike on foreign soil? Unarmed protestors,” Khamenei said wistfully. “You can kill them by the thousands – and trust me, I have – and the worst...

Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate

Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate

Former National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes, who was once billed as Barack Obama’s foreign policy Guru was devastated to hear the horrible news that President Trump had authorized an airstrike that killed Iranian Quds Force leader, General Qasem Soleimani. “Qasem Soleimani, also known as “Asshole” by Yemenis, was the kind of moderate Iranian leader that we needed for peace in the Middle East,” Rhodes said in an interview immediately following the strike. “Sure he has the blood of hundreds of...

‘We Could Have Just Paid You Back for the Broken Glass,’ Khamenei Says

‘We Could Have Just Paid You Back for the Broken Glass,’ Khamenei Says

After his top commander was killed by a US airstrike, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has accused Americans of being “really anal about your embassies all of a sudden.” “I mean, jeez, talk about an overreaction,” Khamenei said in his first official statement after the death of Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis — the deputy head of the Iran-backed Iraqi Popular Mobilization Forces. “All our militias did was break a few windows. We could have just...

New York Enacts Strict ‘Eight-Strikes’ Law to Stop Attacks on Jews

New York Enacts Strict ‘Eight-Strikes’ Law to Stop Attacks on Jews

Promising to finally get tough on attacks against Jews, New York has instituted a stringent ‘eight strikes’ law promising legal consequences to anyone who commits more than seven felony assaults against random Jewish citizens. The law was spurred by outrage after Brooklyn resident Tiffany Harris was arrested twice within a week for attacks against Jews, in one instance screaming “fuck you Jews” while slapping a group of Orthodox women in Crown Heights, and immediately released each time. She was finally...