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BREAKING Natalie Portman Just Really Creeped Out by Netanyahu
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ISIS Plans to Strike US in ‘Operation Loiter in Starbucks’
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Natalie Portman Joins BDS, Boycotts Herself
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Trump Orders a Mohammad Bin Salman Burger with Extra Tartar Sauce
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Sisi’s Landslide, Kentucky’s Ark, & Saudi Princess Noura’s Catwalk
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“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event
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Parkland Crisis Actors Demanding Double Time for Syria Work
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Media Shocked by Attack from Political Left
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Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike
Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute
GENEVA – In a surprise announcement today, editors of the largest satirical news websites have declared that they are forming a new international organization with the central mission of “maintenance of international peace and security”. Following the UN decision to make Syria the head of their chemical weapons watchdog, just days after Assad’s alleged chemical attack in Ghouta, the conglomerate said: “Since the UN seems to be doing our job, it’s time we did theirs – it’s not like they’re...
Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write
The Mideast Beast is your trusted source for front-line reporting on the Middle East, a publication of unimpeachable journalistic integrity that holds itself to the highest standards of meticulous coverage and astute analysis. In fact, unlike other, slower news outlets, we don’t even have to wait for the news to happen to deliver a comprehensive report of them to our readers. This is made possible through TMB’s unrivaled network of intrepid on-location reporters who would sleep with anyone, as many times as...
Comey Not in Syria
Reports in from the overnight strikes on Syria have confirmed that James Comey was not hit. The Mideast Beast understands that President Trump authorized the attacks after reading a later-deleted tweet from the Fox and Friends account stating that the former FBI Director would be kicking off his book tour in Damascus. The tweet did not make clear that this would be Damascus, Virginia. Meanwhile, air defenses over Iran were reportedly on high alert following a favorable Yelp review by...
Saudis Forced to Decide Between Hating Jews or Shiites
In light of Mohammad bin Salman’s decision to recognize Israel’s right to exist, the rest of Saudi Arabia has announced its extreme displeasure at being forced to compromise their hatred of Jews for their hatred of Shiites. Abdul Rahman Al-Sudais, the Imam of the Saudi Grand Mosque railed, “We have arrived at an extremely unfortunate position where we are being forced to ally with Zionist pig-monkeys in order to repel the infidel Shiite dogs. We resent the fact that we must set...
White Walkers Picket Wall
The Night’s Watch have been criticised by leading human rights organizations for their attacks on peaceful White Walkers picnicking the Wall. The Wall is recognized as the border by all nations throughout Westeros, Essos, and Sotheryos, however, it is not recognized by the White Walkers. Senator Bernie Saunders has criticized the Crows’ tactics saying that use of Dragons Glass is disproportional. “The White Walkers are the victims here”, Saunders said, “even if they are the victims of other White Walkers who turned...
Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust
As people in Israel, and throughout the world, mark Yom HaShoah, or Holocaust Memorial Day, UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn issued a touching eulogy to the thousands of Germans who saw their reputations suffer under Nazi rule. “We can never forget the terrible tragedy of Europe’s concentration camps, where innocent Germans were verbally attacked simply for doing their jobs,” Corbyn said in a heartfelt speech. “Every citizen of the world can imagine the suffering of these poor guards, scientists and...
Republicans Warn that Killing Mueller Would Be ‘A Red Line’
Warning that their tolerance for the GOP president’s actions has its limits, House and Senate Republicans insisted that the assassination of special counsel Robert Mueller would be “a red line” for the president. “While I believe the investigation into Russian meddling in our election to be baseless, the president should let Mr. Mueller do his job without interference,” House Speaker Paul Ryan said in a statement. “His assassination would draw much concern from Democrats and Republicans alike.” South Carolina Senator...
Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists
Impressed by reports of Israeli snipers gunning down Palestinian journalists, US President Donald Trump has asked Israel’s government for advice on how to deal with hostile media. “When I so much as hint at offing a nosy reporter or point out that CNN is the enemy of the American people, everyone goes through the roof,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “But those Jews can just pick off whoever they want and get away with it.” Israel has come under fire...
Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed
Promising to take no chances when it comes to America’s security, US President Donald Trump has banned the UK’s Queen Elizabeth II amid reports that she may be a descendent of Prophet Muhammed. “I am hearing reports, very troubling, that the Queen is actually a Muslim terrorist, and I am issuing a complete ban on the royal family until we can figure out what the hell is going on,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the ban. “I have to...
Israelis Ask if They Can Leave with the Asylum Seekers
The recent canceled deal between Israel and the U.N. to send African asylum seekers to Canada and Germany has had many Israelis asking, “Can I leave too?” Tel Aviv resident Moshe Goldenbergensteiner told the Mideast Beast, “I attended all the protests to make sure they wouldn’t get deported and then murdered or tortured, and now all of sudden I hear they may be going to Canada? What the shit, man! I pay 4,000 shekels for a broom closet in Tel...