Muslim Brotherhood Discourages Premarital Sex With Recording of Ben Shapiro Reading WAP Lyrics
The Muslim Brotherhood were terrified this week when their fears of Western media promoting female sexual autonomy coincided with WAP, the catchiest song in a decade released by known infidels Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion. Although The Brotherhood worried that WAP’s unbelievably entertaining bass sample of “There’s some hoes in this house” would undo all of their anti-premarital sex...
Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds
After claiming victory in a competitive primary with 57% of the vote, Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar said she is happy to learn that Jews’ mind control is only effective on roughly 40% of voters. “I knew that everyone in my district loves me and wanted to vote for me, but I was really worried that the Jews – I mean,...
Americans Jealous of Lebanon After Entire Government Resigns
For the first time since the fall of the Ottoman Empire, a majority of Americans now say that they are jealous of Lebanon’s citizens after the country’s government resigned this week. Those interviewed told pollsters they did not even know that getting rid of one’s entire government was an option, and that they now spend an average of six hours...
Iran Pledges to Help Lebanon in Any Way Except the One That the Lebanese Are Asking For
Following the blast that leveled a good chunk of Beirut, the Iranian regime joined the international chorus of pledges of aid. The Iranian Ambassador to Lebanon said that the Islamic Republic was willing to render any assistance necessary; when a Lebanese journalist asked if that included ceasing to use Lebanon as a staging area to attack Israel with blatant disregard...
Trump: Was Lebanon Even in Miss Universe?
As countries around the world continue to mourn for Lebanon following two devastating explosions on 4 August, and as they continue to do what all countries should do which is donate, Trump remained steadfast in his convictions to never help others especially if their Miss Universe contestant was forgettable. While other countries were quick to express their sorrow and grief,...
After Learning of Concentration Camps, Trump Accuses China of Sending Uyghur Refugees with PPE
Though they have been in operation for several years, many in the Western world have only recently learned of the large-scale concentration camps in China, in which millions of Uyghur Muslims are currently detained. There have been accusations of forced labor and even executions. President Trump, upon learning of the camps this week, hopped on Twitter to condemn China…but not...
Trump Promises Palestinians a State if they Attend his Inauguration
Criticizing the Palestinian people for their failure to attend his first swearing in, US President Donald Trump promised to create a Palestinian state during his second term if they attend his next inauguration. His statement came during an interview with Jonathan Swan, a reporter for Axios, following a question on his approach to negotiating peace between Israel and the Palestinians....
Hezbollah Mourns Tragic Loss of Explosive Material
Vowing to rebuild what the country had lost, Hezbollah Secretary General Hassan Nasrallah delivered a heartfelt speech Thursday marking the tragic loss of thousands of tons of explosive material during the August 4 explosion at the Port of Beirut. “Believe me when I say that nobody feels this tragedy more than me and my fellow Hezbollah members,” Nasrallah said in...
House Dems Force AG Barr to Swear on Copy of “White Fragility”
While swearing in before a testimony has traditionally been done on a copy of the Old or New Testament in the United States, there is no law that requires it. Last week, during the House Judiciary Committee hearing, Democrats insisted Attorney General William Barr swear in on a copy of Robin DiAngelo’s bestselling self-help book, White Fragility. Radical young Congresswoman,...
BDS Boycotts Yosemite Sam
After years of pretending that his name was pronounced “Yo-sem-i-tee”, Yosemite Sam was finally exposed to the public by real-life cartoon villain President Trump for actually being a “yo-semite”. In swift retaliation against Mr Sam’s “sneaky” practices, the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions (BDS) movement called for a boycott against Yosemite Sam, and all other Looney Tunes affiliates, because not only are...
Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus
In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official....
BDS: ‘Fine, You Can Watch Fauda’
The leadership of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions (BDS) movement announced that even if you are dedicated to the destruction of Israel, it is permitted to watch Fauda. The decision was announced along with other allowances such as permission to use any Israeli-made vaccines for the virus, after they decided that its members were probably going to watch it anyway....
Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister
Looking to crush the last bit of resistance to his continued rule, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad has brought on talk show host Ellen DeGeneres as interior minister to keep the country’s Sunni majority in line. Assad made the appointment after reading about the strong hand DeGeneres took towards staff on her TV show. “I need someone who will rule with...
Israel Cracks Down on Marijuana to Get Back at Seth Rogen
In response to criticism by Jewish-Canadian actor Seth Rogen, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that anti-marijuana laws will be enforced more strictly with harsher prison sentences. New prison sentences for marijuana possession will vary from a minimum of one month to a maximum of however long ‘Green Hornet’ feels like. The move was described by experts as the “biggest...
Trump Asks Iran to Dispose of Its Nuclear Stockpile by Dumping It on Portland
US President Donald Trump has requested that the Iranian government dumps their enriched uranium stockpile on Portland. The move comes after weeks of unrest led to federal law enforcement agents storming the Pacific Northwest city. “I found a solution. A great solution. The best solution,” said Trump in a 6,000-person rally which included 5,950 people above state restrictions. “Iran has...
Seth Rogen Study shows Weed Damages Capacity for Generational Preservation
In shocking news, it’s been uncovered this week that in order to study Cannabis legalisation the FDA launched a program closely monitoring the mental faculties of one particularly voracious user: Seth Rogen. The program was top secret, but after Rogen spoke out against the need for a Jewish homeland – while conveniently ignoring that most Israelis descend from refugees –...
Seth Rogen, Ahmadinejad to Costar in Stoner Terrorist Comedy
Actor and comedian Seth Rogen will team up with former Iranian President and die-hard Tupac fan Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a comedy about the duo’s marijuana-filled attempt to launch a terrorist attack on Israel, Point Grey Pictures announced. Ahmadinejad will play himself in the film, as he looks to cap off his career of public service with a devastating suicide bombing...
SJP Instagram Account Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
People around the world found reason to rejoice this week after discovering that the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has finally been solved. In what’s being labelled a, “like react for world peace”, the decades long struggle for regional calm was finally resolved once and for all by a collegiate Students for Justice in Palestine Instagram post. The post was similar to all...
Netanyahu Announces New Nation-Wide Coronavirus Restrictions Effective Immediately, Except for Rich People and Politicians
With rising coronavirus infections and a government that seems about as capable of handling the pandemic as a quadriplegic in a three-legged race, Israel has started re-imposing restrictions on the public to prevent the spread of the coronavirus. The government announced earlier this week that they were closing restaurants, gyms, and retail stores to everyone…except for rich people and politicians....
Inspired by MLB, ISIS Launches Attacks on Cardboard Cutouts
Looking to keep spirits high despite its diminished territory and negligent offensive capabilities, the Islamic State has begun carrying out suicide attacks against cardboard cutouts of infidels. ISIS leader Amir Muhammad al-Mawla got the idea after watching a Major League Baseball (MLB) game in which the stands were filled with cardboard fans, as in-person attendance is banned because of COVID-19....