Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 76 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic male martyr would have, but instead of the 72 virgins the Quran promises us, I only got 55,” said Hayat...

Taylor Swift to Announce Position on Syrian Civil War

Taylor Swift to Announce Position on Syrian Civil War

After finally declaring her intention to vote for Democrats in the 2018 midterms, crossover pop and country star Taylor Swift is expected to shortly announce which side she supports in Syria’s civil war. “In the past I have been reluctant to publicly voice my opinion on Middle Eastern politics, but due to several events in my life and in the Arab world, I feel very differently now,” Swift said in an Instagram post. “I will soon announce who I plan...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
ISIS to Teach Antifa Civil Governance

ISIS to Teach Antifa Civil Governance

After drawing intense criticism for blocking traffic in Portland, Oregon and attacking an elderly man, the left-wing Antifa organization has agreed to attend training sessions on civil governance led by the Islamist militant group ISIS. “While mercilessly attacking your critics, inflicting random acts of violence and terrorizing innocent civilians is a great start, it is not a long-term strategy,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained. “Eventually, the population will turn against you and team up with the Turks and Kurdish...

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Monday morning (GMT+2). Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah is stretched thin, still too busy in the Clown-Killing Circus, or Syria as it’s officially referred to. When The Mideast Beast asked how such a situation could possibly occur, the IDF Chief of Staff just shrugged his shoulders...

Kavanaugh Buddy Bashar al-Assad Curious Why FBI Didn’t Contact Him

Kavanaugh Buddy Bashar al-Assad Curious Why FBI Didn’t Contact Him

Bashar al-Assad, the Syrian president and a longtime drinking buddy of recently-confirmed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, said he was surprised that the FBI did not interview him during its investigation of the nominee. “When I heard about the FBI investigation, I made a whole list of hilarious stories of the times we got blackout drunk, abused women and committed crimes against humanity together,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “But no one from the bureau would even return my calls....

Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says

Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says

With the rise of groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS and Islamic extremism in general, the religion that gave the world huge advances in the sciences, mathematics, and medicine when it was younger, is now going through some natural growing pains. “Islam is going through a tough time right now,” Abraham, Father of Nations, said, as he poured a stiff glass of scotch, single malt of course. “It’s natural that Islam is facing things that all religions go through as they reach...

Solving the Israel-Palestinian Conflict with ‘Feelings’ and Safe Spaces

Solving the Israel-Palestinian Conflict with ‘Feelings’ and Safe Spaces

One of the most influential political actors in the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has declared, much to the despair of the international community, that his political decision-making is based off his own ‘feeling’ and that he doesn’t consult anyone else. In a statement that sent onlookers into a panicked frenzy, Trump announced that he does, in fact, have feelings and that “I like two-state solution…that’s my feeling. And I have the best feelings.” According to the director of the newly-created Global Safe...

Following Defunding, UNRWA to Spend $100 Million on Trump Piñatas

Following Defunding, UNRWA to Spend $100 Million on Trump Piñatas

The UN Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA), an organization established to provide essential services to Palestinian refugees, has responded to US budget cuts by ordering 10 million Donald Trump piñatas, for the refugees to take out their anger on the American president. The agency, which has been criticized for wasting money by perpetuating refugee status across generations, is holding an emergency fundraise for the $100 million needed to buy the piñatas. “Throughout the Middle East and beyond, Palestinian refugees face...

Did President Trump Just Kill Satire?

Did President Trump Just Kill Satire?

Are our leaders evil, stupid…or both? Whatever the answer, the world of satire has its hands full like never before. The newest episode of our podcast series sees the Editor of The Mideast Beast in conversation with Professor Sophia A. McClennen, who’s literally written the book on satire. They discuss satire in the age of Trump, why you shouldn’t worry too much about stupid people, and how to handle satire in a region where you can get hung for a...

Iran Claims Its Nuclear Warehouses Are Just Rug Factories

Iran Claims Its Nuclear Warehouses Are Just Rug Factories

Following Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to the United Nations revealing the discovery of a ‘secret atomic warehouse’ in Tehran, the Iranian authorities have claimed that the facility was just a very large Persian rug factory. “You know, you need lots of security to protect rugs. Armed guards, barbed wire, electronic sensors and so on. You’ve all seen Aladdin. Thieves are mad for rugs. And lamps, you should see the precautions we have to have in place at the...