UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

While nobody knows what the hell is going to happen at the upcoming summit between President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, the United Nations has already blamed Israel for the breakdown of the talks which are yet to occur. The latest UN General Assembly Resolution has declared that “the blame for the fallout at the summit yet to actually happen, the onset of World War Three and subsequent nuclear holocaust must squarely be placed on Israel.” Iran’s representative...

God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’

In a surprise announcement, The Almighty One, Blessed Be He, dropped his new commandment without warning this past Monday morning: “Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out”. This is the first commandment that the Chief Shepherd has released in thousands of years but he explained that it has been in the works for some time. When asked what inspired him to make an 11th commandment he pointed out that it became clear that the first Ten weren’t really cutting it anymore, ...

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Saying that the first-century preacher and possible messiah has been treated “very unfairly,” US President Donald Trump acknowledged that he is considering a pardon for Jesus Christ. “These Byzantines (sic) were really bad hombres, and they really treated this Jesus Christ guy very unfairly,” Trump said in a Tweet. “A lot of people don’t know this, but he was crucified by Puny Pontius Pilate. Sad!” Trump added that Christ is finally beginning to get recognition. The president was informed of...

Jerusalem’s Damascus Gate Renamed Following Cultural Appropriation Row

Following accusations of cultural appropriation, the Jerusalem Municipality has agreed to rename one of the entrances into Jerusalem’s Old City. The decision to rename Damascus Gate was announced after months of campaigning by social justice warriors who claim that the site as it is currently named constitutes an “aggressive act of linguistic colonialism against the people of Syria.” While the group is campaigning to bring about the linguistic change, #DamascusGateMustFall, has often been confused with the similarly tagged pro-Islamic State...

Assad, Putin and Khamenei to Form Hard Rock Supergroup: ‘New Axis of Evil’

The apparent alliance between Iran, Syria and Russia culminated Friday with the release of a self-titled album ‘New Axis of Evil.’  It features Putin on lead guitar and vocals, Khamenei on bass and backup vocals, and Assad on drums. Khamenei’s ‘Sanction City’ is a bluesy number, with a lot of passion behind it, but it is Putin’s hard rock cover of Shaggy’s hit ‘It Wasn’t Me’ that has caused the most stir. However, true fans are most excited by the bonus...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv during today’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or forced to watch season two of...

Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and we’ve always been strong and hard in our thrusts in aiming for those rights, always standing erect with pride and never...

The World Cup is Half Empty for Israel…Messi Messed it Up (New TMB Podcast!)

This week on the Mideast Beast podcast, host Alex Giles, a lightweight, sips his rosé wine, while Molly Livingstone could use something a bit harder (and that is what she said), and together the two discuss the football, the ladies, and the power. While it seems like Qatar Airlines doesn’t think a woman could run the company, Saudi Arabia has finally let women drive, even if only 10 have now received their licenses. Is it fair? Molly goes on a...

Israeli Culture Minister Calls for Boycott of FC Barcelona Supporters

Israeli Culture Minister Miri Regev ordered Wednesday a boycott of FC Barcelona fans (Barça), the soccer team for which Argentinian soccer player Lionel Messi regularly plays, following Argentina’s cancelling of its prospective soccer match against Israel in Jerusalem. The boycott will effectively bar entry into Israel of any individual who has ever expressed support of Barça. These “expressions of support” include purchasing the soccer club’s memorabilia, sharing related content on social media, or tuning into its games for longer than...

Hamas Seeks Humanitarian Aid to Purchase a DeLorean

Hamas spokesman Marti Ibn Zvuv talks candidly with The Mideast Beast (TMB) about success, failure, and hopes for the past. TMB: With huge support from the UN and world media, you must be pleased with the outcome of your recent activities MIZ: Actually, we are still suffering.  Seems that we can’t put money into trying to destroy Israel and provide for our people simultaneously. TMB:  Why a time machine? MIZ:  Since the 2005 Israeli disengagement, our living standard has plummeted.  Frankly, we weren’t prepared to rule...