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BREAKING ISIS Bans ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ for Not Being Rapey Enough
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Life after politics: 10 Job Possibilities for Netanyahu
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Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair
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Turkey Apologizes for Lack of Commitment to Syrian Violence
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Twelve Killed in Mecca During Annual ‘MuhammadCon’ Bar Crawl
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Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour
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The Concerned Reader’s Guide to Middle East Reporting Clichés
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Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval
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ISIS Blames Low Poll Numbers on “Terrorist Harassment”
Trump Demands Khashoggi’s Death Certificate
Once again questioning his intelligence community’s conclusions on the killing, US President Donald Trump is now demanding to see slain journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s death certificate. “Listen, if this Jamal guy wants to prove he was murdered by the Saudis, then he should just show us his death certificate,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “If he can’t then he isn’t dead, which means he couldn’t have been killed by the Saudis.” Trump said he had sent a team to Hawaii to...
ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays
Like all holiday seasons that are just around the corner, they can be a period of intense joy, spending time with family and friends. But they can also be a time of dread. For many couples in a new relationship, one has to ask if the holidays are the right time to meet that significant other’s family. This predicament is no different for terrorist groups. This holiday season is putting a lot of stress on ISIS member, Abu al-Badhu Mohammed. “She’s...
Prince bin Salman to Senator Graham, “Well You’d Know What ‘Crazy’ Fucking Looks Like”
The Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia has expressed some surprise that South Carolina Senator, Lindsey Graham, couldn’t think of anyone closer to home that was “crazy and dangerous.” “Really, really? No one springs to mind? No one just down the street from you? Big guy tweets a lot. Ringing any bells?” “Mohammed give me strength. Look, yes, it may or may not be true that I may or may not have given the green light to sticking a US resident...
Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars
Following the successful launch of his SpaceX rocket into orbit, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the whole goddamn Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing the remaining earthlings the headache, war and wasted tax dollars caused by the region, Musk also has a plan to turn Mars into...
Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children
Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus told The Mideast Beast. “The low price and abundance of natural gas make it a natural transition.” Santa also considered instead purchasing crude oil from...
Marc Lamont Hill Calls for Jewish Homeland in the Mediterranean Sea
Defending himself against accusations of anti-Semitism after calling for a Palestine “from the river to the sea,” former CNN analyst Marc Lamont Hill now says he welcomes a Jewish homeland at the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea. “In calling for the elimination of all Jews between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean, I am endorsing a Jewish presence in the sea, in the river, or anyplace else where they won’t bother any Palestinians,” Hill said in an op-ed. “It deeply...
Hamas Tunnellers Admit They’re Only Digging to Meet Israeli Girls
A number of the men digging Hamas’ terror tunnels recently confirmed The Mideast Beast’s suspicion that most entered the highly dangerous field mainly in the hope of meeting Israeli girls. “All the time the imams tell us about how Israel is just a den of iniquity and sin,” one digger who preferred we not use his name, told TMB. “Who wouldn’t want some of that action?” A pasty-faced 14-year old who spends 18-hours a day digging admitted to a similar motivation....
Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages
A new academic study has suggested that Middle East conflicts may never come to an end because the warring sides all have incompatible love languages. “The primary Palestinian love language is physical touch, you see, whereas Israel’s is receiving gifts. This has caused all sorts of problems”, the author of the ground-breaking study writes. “In recent years, Palestinians have really loved exacting the physical touch aspect on Israel, with numerous young Palestinians stabbing and assaulting Israelis. Because physical touch isn’t...
Experts Confirm War in Yemen Would Worsen with Fewer Bombs
Analysts have agreed with the views of Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, that cutting off the supply of American high explosives to the Saudi Air Force would make the lives of Yemeni civilians immeasurably less bearable. A spokesman for the Department of Defense commented, “You have to understand the average Yemeni now has very little access to free entertainment. The excitement and wonder caused by the sudden roar of a fighter-bomber overhead coupled with the...
ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”
ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average Americans don’t even know on which continent to start looking. Blow up the USS Cole and watch as the hapless...