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BREAKING Chick-fil-A Begins Donating to Hezbollah in Effort to Please Far Left
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Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow BDSM Kit
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BDS Students Boycott Potential for Nuance
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Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub
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Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran
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Former Al Qaeda Jihadist Disappointed He Didn’t Qualify for Veterans Day Sales
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Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel
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Trump Asks Turkey to Invade Mexico
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Warren Proposes ‘Jihad Tax’ to Defeat al Qaeda, ISIS
Hamas Calls Weekend Rockets “Interactive Fireworks”
Following this weekend’s barrage of rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, a Hamas spokesperson has stated they were simply celebratory fireworks. “I would like to clarify a misunderstood situation,” the spokesperson wrote on his Facebook timeline. “The Palestinian people were simply overjoyed about the past few months of calm. Some of our citizens were so happy that they had decided to launch celebratory fireworks, an interactive lightshow if you will. Interactive fireworks are a classic in Palestinian culture.” This wouldn’t...
World’s Most Profitable Corporation Somehow More Valuable Than Bullshit Dot-Com Companies
Analysts have been caught off guard by the announcement that Saudi oil monopoly, Aramco, is more valuable than the latest vegan pet food delivery startup out of Silicon Valley. One commented, “It appears that having a lock on the substance currently enabling the world to get from A to B, makes for a massively valuable corporation. Who knew? Apparently, this is moderately more useful than the connected fridge/emoji generator/massage chair that just pulled in a $100m A Round investment.” A...
Dog in Baghdadi Raid Defects to ISIS After Promise of Unlimited Belly Rubs
In what is being called the greatest American betrayal since Benedict Arnold, the Belgian Malinois who helped track down Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, has defected to ISIS after the terror group promised her unlimited belly rubs. The dog, named Conan, had become a hero in the US for her role in the killing of Baghdadi, even being mentioned as a candidate of the Medal of Honor. But all it took for ISIS to flip her was a 23-second...
Sanders Proposes Sending Israel’s Military Aid to Mel Gibson
Accusing the Jewish state of committing “atrocities” against the Oscar-winner’s acting career, US Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders proposed ending military aid to Israel and instead giving the funds to Mel Gibson. “It is not anti-Semitic to acknowledge that the Jewish people have completely destroyed this man’s career just for speaking the truth,” Sanders said during a conference hosted by J Street. “Why are we sending $3.8 billion to Israel instead of helping poor Mel rebuild his life?” Sanders...
Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when Netanyahu...
‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say
Radical Islamic terrorists from across the Middle East are calling it quits following the death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, with all agreeing that the time has come to abandon jihad and accept Western values. “Listen, we had a really good run blowing stuff up and beheading Americans while we recreated the world of Muhammad and the rightly guided caliphs,” one former ISIS fighter said as he sipped on a can of Coca-Cola. “But let’s face it. Our Caliph...
Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy
Special forces Belgian Malinois, ‘Classified’ has been named by President Trump as his new envoy to the Middle East. The very good puppy was selected for the position following his key role in the death of ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi earlier this week. A spokesman for the President commented, “Loyal without question, willing to do anything for a belly rub, and at his happiest curled at the end of the President’s bed. These are just some of the qualities...
ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals
With the terror group’s leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, reportedly dead in a US raid, members of the Islamic State are begging US President Donald Trump to stop sending mixed signals. “First, you finally ditch those Kurds that have been killing us for years and let thousands of our prisoners break free,” one ISIS executive told The Mideast Beast. “Then just when we think you are really committed to working things out, you go and kill our best terrorist! It’s enough...
Kurds to Carry Out Mass Suicide as Revenge on Trump’s Syria Withdrawal
Billing it as the biggest “fuck you” of the century, Kurdish president Nechirvan Barzani announced that all Kurds will take part in a mass suicide parade to be held outside some U.S. Morning Show over the weekend. “In response to Trump abandoning us, all Kurds are advised to kill themselves and their children publicly this Saturday, just to double check that President Trump really doesn’t give a shit,” Barzani posted on Facebook. “We’re pretty sure that Trump left us to...
Ethnic Cleansings ‘Good and Easy to Win,’ Trump Says
With his decision to pull troops out of Syria already forcing 250,000 Kurds to flee their homes, US President Donald Trump is now calling himself a “genocide man” and bragging that “ethnic cleansings are good, and easy to win!” “This ethnic cleansing is going to be tremendous for the Kurds, great for America, and really just great for civilization,” Trump told reporters as he boarded Air Force One. “Anyone who says that the Kurds don’t want to be slaughtered or...