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BREAKING The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday
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Jews Spoiling It for Middle Eastern Women’s Rights Again
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ISIS Recruit Thought He’d Be Drowning in Pussy by Now
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Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”
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Marijuana Found in Armenia After Genocide, Turks Say
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Al Qaeda Demands U.S. Adopt Metric System
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Salazar Backs Off Claims She Founded PLO
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Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages
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Assad Loses Support After Smoking Weed on Joe Rogan Show
Paraguay Universally Praised for Creating Mideast Peace by Moving Embassy
Paraguay has been universally praised for bringing peace to the Middle East as Israelis and Palestinians reached a final peace deal and promised to end all conflict. Peace came shortly after Paraguay’s decision to reverse their Israeli embassy move by returning their embassy to Tel Aviv on the grounds that they wanted to “achieve a broad, fair and lasting peace in the Middle East”. “It was all because of Paraguay”, one United Nations official said in a press release. “We...
White House Communications Team Hires ISIS Leader al-Baghdadi
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accepted a position last week as an assistant to Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When asked what al-Baghdadi’s role would be, Sanders commented “He’ll just be fetching coffee, making copies, maybe being the next Attorney General, that kind of thing.” “He came into the job interview and just said ‘Look, I’ll be honest, most of my work experience involved murder, torture, genocide, but my old gig just didn’t work out and I was hoping you’d...
Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up
The Israel Defense Force (IDF) is reportedly giddy with excitement that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is putting on its big boy shoes and coming out to play. As rockets rained down on the Golan Heights, soldiers were seen high-fiving each other whilst applying ‘Next Stop Tehran’ stickers to the turrets of their tanks. A senior officer commented, “We’ve checked Google Maps this morning, and it seems a pretty straight forward route. We anticipate some delays around the Baghdad ring road, but only...
Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior
AFGHANISTAN – Terrorist leaders are reportedly disheartened after learning that ‘SJW’ doesn’t stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior. “On the news, we heard how these students were harassing Jews on U.S. campuses, and how much they love Islamists like Linda Sarsour. They refer to these students as ‘SJWs’ and we just sort of assumed SJW meant Salafi-Jihadi Warrior.” Another leader explained, “But then we got confused because then they started saying how the hijab is a symbol of women’s liberation or how...
Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career
White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client. “You expect to get away from it all for just a couple thousand years and that when you get back, all your affairs will still be in...
Israeli Officials “Honestly Haven’t a Clue” Why Duterte Was Invited
Many Israeli government officials are at a complete loss as to why President of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte, was invited to Israel and who was responsible for the screw up. “We really haven’t got a clue why this has happened or how this even started”, one source commented. “Nobody here remembers inviting him so when Duterte thanked us for the invitation and said he’d love to come, we were all shocked. The guy is a fucking madman. We already had...
‘First Man’ Replaces Buzz Aldrin with Yasser Arafat in Moon Landing
In an effort to broaden its audience and tone down overly pro-American sentiment, an upcoming biopic of astronaut Neil Armstrong features former Palestine Liberation Organization president Yasser Arafat as Apollo 11’s lunar module pilot. While retired US Air Force Colonel Buzz Aldrin was in fact the pilot and second man to walk on the moon, the directors of “First Man” said that focusing the story of the moon landing on two Americans would undercut the global nature of the achievement....
ISIS Tweets Tribute Honoring John McCain
ISIS has tweeted a tribute to the late Republican Senator John McCain, commending him on his ability to bridge political divides and work with those with whom he disagreed. “John McCain and I were members of different generations, came from completely different backgrounds, and competed at the highest level of politics”, the acting head of ISIS said. “But we shared, for all our differences, a fidelity for something higher. Admittedly, that fidelity for something higher in our instance was jihad,...
Inspired by Trump, Saudi Arabia Enacts (Poor) Muslim Ban
Saudi Leaders, looking to repair the relationship that many saw as being damaged under Barack Obama, and also saying they felt obliged to follow in the footsteps of its American allies, enacted its own (poor) Muslim ban this week and said that it would not be able to absorb refugees fleeing war torn Iraq and Syria. “We’d really like to help out our (poor) Muslim brothers, who speak our language, know our culture and are coming from right next door,”...
Pro and Anti-Israel Groups Agree: You Need to Spend More Time Thinking about Israel
“Just think about all of the things Israel does, and you’ll know how to feel about the state!” Interestingly, this claim could have been made by either side of the “Israel is great v. Israel is terrible” debate. Pro-Israel activists and anti-Israel activists disagree on nearly every point, interpreting every fact as supporting their position over that of their rivals’. From Israel’s heroic or genocidal founding, to its open or oppressive society, and even to its inclusive or racist culture,...