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BREAKING Ocasio-Cortez Blasts Maccabees for Using Oil Instead of Renewables
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Trump Demands Khashoggi’s Death Certificate
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ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays
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Prince bin Salman to Senator Graham, “Well You’d Know What ‘Crazy’ Fucking Looks Like”
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Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars
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Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children
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Marc Lamont Hill Calls for Jewish Homeland in the Mediterranean Sea
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Hamas Tunnellers Admit They’re Only Digging to Meet Israeli Girls
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Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages
ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”
ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average Americans don’t even know on which continent to start looking. Blow up the USS Cole and watch as the hapless...
Saudi Arabia Applauds Decision to Remove Wonder Woman As UN Ambassador For Female Empowerment
Saudi Arabia’s representative to the UN Human Rights Council has made a statement applauding the decision of UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon to not renew Wonder Woman’s status as the ambassador for female empowerment. The Saudi’s objections to Wonder Woman echoed complaints of many feminists that she was a culturally insensitive and overtly sexualized character with “a shimmery, thigh-baring bodysuit with an American flag motif, knee-high boots”, and small albeit perfect, breasts. The Saudi Representative also added that Wonder Woman...
Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’
A severe shortage of suitable ‘throwing stones’ in the West Bank has caused a panic in recent weeks. Citing natural erosion – and decades of stone-throwing by teenagers who should have been in school –Palestinian Authority officials have declared a state of emergency in various cities and towns throughout the West Bank, leaving the IDF and the international community asking: what will they throw next? Speaking to The Mideast Beast, 12-year-old Usman Abu Rahman said, “Without stones to throw, I’m more depressed than ever. Throwing stones at...
ISIS Disappointed to Find Few Middle Easterners in Caravan
With a caravan of Latin American migrants finally reaching the US border, leaders of the Syria-based terrorist group ISIS are reportedly disappointed to see few potential supporters in the group. “We were so excited when Supreme Leader Trump promised that there were criminals and unknown Middle Easterners making their way into the land of the infidels,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “We thought when these mujahedeen finally made it to the border, there would be jihad all over the place.”...
ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’
Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus, most...
Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians
Following months of airstrikes over the embattled country of Yemen, Saudi Arabia has finally declared victory. “We could not allow this type of unrest to grow on our border,” announced Saudi military leaders. “We will prevail. Houthis, Al Qaeda, non-violent women and children, soon they’ll all submit to the might of the Saudi military.” RELATED: Reporters Disappointed that Yemen Just Always Looked Like That Claims of civilian fatalities seem to be far from unusual, but the real crisis is in the destruction...
Khashoggi Probably Not a Real Person, Trump Says
In another effort to absolve the Saudi regime of the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, US President Donald Trump now says that the Washington Post journalist was “probably not even a real person anyway.” “Listen, we have no proof that this Jamal Pierogi (sic) guy even existed,” Trump said after the CIA released a report concluding that Khashoggi did exist and that his murder was ordered by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. “I mean, maybe he was and maybe he...
Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...
DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’
Speaking before a packed United Nations General Assembly, rapper-producer DJ Khaled has pitched a bold plan for resolving one of the world’s most intractable conflicts: the creation of a binational state in the Holy Land, with hip hop as its only religion. According to the Snapchat superpower’s peace proposal, Israel, the West Bank and Gaza Strip would be united as a single state called ‘WeTheBesti-istan’, with Khaled as President for Life and Jewish reggae superstar Matisyahu as Vice-President for Life. Khaled,...
White House Confirms First Thanksgiving Saudi Prince Pardon
The White House today announced the start of a new tradition for this holiday season with Sarah Sanders stating, “President Trump knows that the American people elected him to transform this country, and what better place to continue that journey than by vastly improving our traditions. So, starting this holiday he will be picking one member of the Saudi Royal Family to receive a very special gift: a full Presidential pardon, for any crimes they may, or we must stress very...