Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an...
France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists
Following the terrorist attacks in Paris last November, which claimed 129 lives, the recent capture of suspect Salah Abdeslam, and the most recent attack in Nice killing over 80 people, French President François Hollande announced his intention of finding his inner-Robespierre and employing the guillotine to execute ISIS or ISIS-linked terrorists. “While we have not beheaded anyone in a really, really...
NYT’s ‘Anonymous’ High-Ranking ISIS Official Revealed to be Camel
Humpy al-Sahari, a dromedary camel and former ISIS caravan member, has revealed himself as “Anonymous,” the ISIS regime critic described as a high-ranking senior official in a New York Times op-ed. Humpy, who was recruited into ISIS in 2013, penned a New York Times guest column criticizing the terror group titled, ‘I am part of the resistance inside the ISIS...
Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen
In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...
Barrett to Meet with ISIS, Iran for Tips on Implementing Theocracy
Wasting no time in implementing her vision of an all-powerful theocracy, newly confirmed Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett has boarded a red-eye flight to the Middle East to meet with the leaders of ISIS and the Islamic Republic of Iran for advice on imposing her religion on her subjects. Barrett will first fly to Tehran, where she will visit...
Armenia, Azerbaijan Agree to Truce After Kendall Jenner Shows Up with Pepsi
A truce has been reached in the conflict over Nagorno-Karabakh, as both Armenia and Azerbaijan agreed to a ceasefire after reality television star Kendall Jenner arrived at the battlefield with Pepsi. Armenian and Azerbaijani troops were lined up across from each other on the battlefield, with each country’s forces waiting for the other to fire the first shot. But seconds...
Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Shits and Giggles”
Israel’s national intelligence agency, Mossad, has admitted they were behind the wiretapping of the Trump presidential team, but stressed that they were only doing it “for shits and giggles”. Speaking anonymously, a spokesman for the agency commented, “Hands up yes it was us, not Obama. That guy is way too straight-laced for this. But I want to stress it was...
Russia, Iran Determined to Hack People’s Choice Awards Voting, FBI Says
Foreign actors including Russia, Iran and China are seeking to interfere in voting in next month’s E! People’s Choice Awards, the FBI has warned in a recent report. These countries originally planned to hack the November 3 presidential election, but after spending vast amounts of time and resources they found the US electoral system too confusing. “Between early voting, the...
US Progressives: Peace Deal Between Israel and UAE/Bahrain Terrible for Middle East Peace
Once upon a time, prior to the advent of Twitter, any relationship between an Arab country and Israel would be cause for celebration, yet given the current climate in the Middle East, some are unsure of the normalization of relations between Israel, the United Arab Emirates (UAE) and Bahrain. While the historic deal between Israel and the Gulf states was...
COVID-19 Given Seat on UN Human Rights Council
COVID-19 has been elected to the UN Human Rights Council, joining countries such as China, Cuba, Russia and Pakistan on the international body. COVID-19 is the first virus to sit on the council since it was established in 2006. But electors from the General Assembly noted that the virus will fit in well with the UNHRC’s current members of death...
Twitter Finally Suspends Khamenei After He Mentions Hunter Biden’s Laptop
Twitter has finally suspended the account of Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei after the Ayatollah tweeted a link to a New York Post story about Hunter Biden, the son of the former vice president. Jewish organizations have long called on Twitter to suspend Khamenei’s account due to its antisemitic content and frequent calls to violence. But Twitter has refused, referring...
Khamenei Apologizes for Showing Penis During Zoom Sermon
Saying he had no idea that his camera was on, Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has apologized for revealing his penis during a Friday sermon broadcast on Zoom. Khamenei was giving his regular weekly speech on the evil of the West and the importance of supporting his regime, which has been delivered virtually since the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic, when...
Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons
In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a scare tactic. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...
Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invade Lebanon
In a seismic military blunder, and just prior to maritime border talks with the Lebanese government, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Sunday morning (GMT+2). Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah remains stretched thin,...
ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven
In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing...
Americans Learn About Israeli Politics, Start Appreciating the Electoral College
Sarah Wokey has long thought the system for electing American presidents was ridiculous, but recently the young progressive activist from Seattle had a change of heart. “I found out our presidential model is much better than the parliamentary system,” she said. Wokey said she has followed Israeli politics for the past year and a half or so, observing election after...
Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement
Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast....
Saudis Apologize for Executing Infidels Based on ‘Sexual Preference’
Acknowledging that the term is considered offensive, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman apologized for executing homosexuals based on their “sexual preference” rather than their sexual orientation. Bin Salman’s apology came after Kyle Griffin, a senior producer for MSNBC, pointed out on Twitter that the Saudi penal code called for “the beheading of the homosexual evildoers, who defy the will...
Barrett Supreme Court Confirmation in Doubt After She Refuses to Denounce Chocolate Hummus
Republicans’ path to confirming Amy Coney Barrett to the US Supreme Court hit a major snag on Wednesday when the US Court of Appeals judge refused to say whether chocolate-flavored hummus is unconstitutional. Barrett, who appeared headed to an easy confirmation, stumbled over a question from Hawaii Senator Mazie Hirono. Hirono asked Barrett whether she has ever purchased chocolate hummus,...
Gal Gadot to Play Muhammad in Upcoming Biopic
In a decision that has angered both Muslims and western liberals, Israeli actress Gal Gadot has been cast to play the Islamic prophet Muhammad in an upcoming film about the founder of Islam’s life. The ‘Wonder Woman’ star and Israel native will don a fake beard to play the lead role in ‘From Medina to Mecca: One Man’s Journey to...