Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans During Coronavirus Lockdowns
Hamas is leading the charge against the tyranny of telecommuting, or homeworking, by banning video conferencing, along with the occasional arrest to really drive the point home. A spokesman commented, “We’ve been monitoring how bosses have been forcing workers into annoying and unproductive online conference calls. We all know how they just raise blood pressure as people forget to unmute...
ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After Letting Ben Shapiro Guest-Write Morning Jihad
More than 100 members of the Islamic State have signed a letter denouncing ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi after the Caliph allowed conservative commentator Ben Shapiro to guest-author one edition of its Morning Jihad newsletter. Looking to expand the group’s popularity, al-Hashimi has invited a series of guest authors from across the political spectrum to write ISIS’s most popular ‘Morning...
‘I Never Would Have Accepted VP Role if I Knew Biden Would Live This Long,’ Kamala Admits
With President Biden nearing a full week in office, Vice President Kamala Harris admitted that she would never have accepted the position had she known she would have to spend this many days toiling in the number two job waiting for Biden to croak. “The Vice Presidency is awful. I can’t bomb anyone, sign any bills or even arrest the...
Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict
Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to hate-post or upload fake news as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch...
Ahmadinejad Hangs Self After Realizing He’s Attracted to Elliot Page
Former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was found dead in his Tehran home Saturday, taking his own life after discovering that he is sexually attracted to actor Elliot Page. Ahmadinejad reportedly discovered his attraction to the actor, who is formerly known as Ellen and recently came out as transgender, while watching the 2007 Oscar-winning film Juno. Ahmadinejad, who has frequently condemned...
“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19
The United Nations today announced that, due to an abundance of hardships being placed on nations and the international community as a whole, they had no choice but to suspend “Never Again” until further notice. The prevention of genocide joins the growing list of compromises that the international community has had to deal with in order to fight the novel...
Q Oversleeps on Inauguration Day, Forgets to Break Up Satanist Pedophile Ring
The high-ranking military officer known as “Q” now says he will try to break up the criminal child-eating global sex-trafficking ring controlling Washington DC in Trump’s second term, after he slept through his alarm Wednesday and was unable launch a climactic war against the cabal before Joe Biden took office. Q has long promised a day of reckoning called “The...
Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters
Actor Jussie Smollett has once again been attacked, this time by angry supporters of newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden. Smollett said he was walking back to his hotel in Oklahoma City Wednesday afternoon when a group of men in pink pussy hats approached him. Shouting, “This is Biden country,” the men spilled their soy chai lattes on the actor and stole...
ISIS Depressed No One Blaming Them for Capitol Attack
With partisans in the US arguing over whether Antifa or supporters of President Trump are to blame for the storming of the US Capitol, leaders of the Islamic State terror group are reportedly downcast that no one has even thought to accuse them of leading the attack. “Five years ago, if someone lit a firecracker in a Hooters parking lot,...
In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners
In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and men alone,” Crown Prince Mohammed...
Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting
Saying that he was determined to prove himself to be the smartest of the president’s clan – even days before his father is set to leave office – Eric Trump has released a series of emails sent to ISIS leaders begging for a meeting with a senior member of the terror group. “My brother-in-law is all over the TV becuz...
The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News
The Mideast Beast, a satirical news source, has confirmed that they will begin to focus on reporting real news. This comes at a time when real news, fake news, and satire are becoming less and less distinguishable. There have always been some that think satire is real and real news is fake, but recently the number of people unable to...
Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides
Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation...
ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life
Calling him “disgraceful” and “an infidel,” ISIS spokesman Abu Hassan al-Muhajir has announced the disqualification of Dr. Abu-Bakhr’s license to practice medicine. The decision to revoke his license comes after the surgeon provided life-saving intervention to a little boy suffering from tuberculosis. “Abu-Bakhr intentionally defied the protocol set in place to prevent this type of incident,” the spokesman said. “How...
Omar, Tlaib Support Capitol Riots After Learning They’re Like Kristallnacht
While last week’s attack on the US Capitol has drawn widespread bipartisan condemnation, two prominent Democrats now say they support the riots after hearing that they are similar to Kristallnacht, a 1938 pogrom against Jews in Nazi Germany. Rep. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib, both members of a far-Left democratic faction known as The Squad, have endorsed the storming of...
Mossad: “Track and Trace Apps are New?”
Following other governments’ most recent launches of coronavirus “track and trace” apps, Mossad proudly announced this week that they’ve been tracking citizens’ movements for years, for both national security and those ‘just in case’ scenarios. In a testament to the superiority of Israeli intelligence, Mossad claims that their concerns around infectious diseases began at the exact same time as the...
UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus
With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...
Twitter CEO Glad Trump is Only Leader that Incites Violence
After permanently banning President Donald Trump from his platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says he is greatly relieved that the problem of world leaders inciting violence on his platform has been permanently solved. “Removing a world leader for using his account to promote violent acts is a dramatic step,” Dorsey acknowledged. “Banning Trump could have all sorts of implications if...
Netanyahu Calls to Congratulate Shirtless Viking President
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called to congratulate the shirtless Viking who stormed the US Capitol and made it to Vice President Mike Pence’s chair, promising to work with the Viking to strengthen the US-Israel relationship. “Mr. Shirtless Viking, I congratulate you on behalf of the people of Israel on your rise to the seat of government,” Netanyahu told...
‘We Had Half the Population Covering their Faces Pre-Covid,’ Brag Saudis
A new PR campaign celebrating the ingenuity and modernity of Saudi Arabia is bragging about its strict Islamic laws, which have required women to cover their faces for decades before Covid-19. “For so many years the West gave us shit for making women cover up, now all of these liberal U.S. governors are forcing even men to do the same,”...