Trump Nominates Coney Barrett to Supreme Court
US President Donald Trump has nominated Amy Coney Barrett, a circuit judge for the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals, to the Supreme Court of the United States. Trump announced the nomination Saturday evening at a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. “She is a woman of unparalleled achievement, towering intellect, sterling credentials, and unyielding loyalty to the Constitution,” Trump...
Amy Coney Barrett Founded ISIS, Newsweek Reports
US Court of Appeals Judge and Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett founded the Islamic State terrorist group and led it during its formative years, according a story in Newsweek magazine. The magazine later issued a correction, noting that it was in fact Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who is of no relation to Barrett despite having the same first and last...
AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel
New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat after one of the representative’s Twitter followers pointed out that Arafat had visited and negotiated with Israel. Ocasio-Cortez was set to attend Jewish Voice for Peace’s Yom Kippur brunch, which will be held on Monday to honor Arafat and his contribution...
‘I Was on Ambien When I Ate the Bat’ Wuhan Wet Market Customer Admits
Patient zero in the COVID-19 outbreak has finally been identified and has admitted to eating the raw bat that ignited the ongoing global pandemic, but blamed her action on the prescription sleep aid Ambien. “I’m so embarrassed. It was two in the morning and I was Ambien eating, and I decided to try a raw bat,” the Wuhan resident, a...
Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked
An event hosted at San Francisco State University (SFSU) interviewing amateur hijacker, oldest remaining member of a terrorist organization, and part-time public speaker , Mrs. Leila Khaled, was cut short last night after YouTube pulled the livestream just 23 minutes after the event began. Students that had been looking forward to hearing the geriatric terrorist were devastated that someone would...
Trump Balances Budget by Making Netanyahu Do His Own Laundry
In a fiscal feat thought impossible amid record stimulus spending, US President Donald Trump has balanced the federal budget simply by asking Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s to reimburse the White House for his laundry costs. Trump’s decision came after The Washington Post reported that Netanyahu regularly brought suitcases and bags full of laundry, which White House staff cleans for...
Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G
In a finding that has stunned epidemiologists and upended medical consensus, researchers have now discovered cases of COVID-19 infection in nations without 5G development. Leading researchers have long believed that the novel coronavirus is caused by waves emitted from 5G cell towers. But in Iran, where there is no 5G infrastructure, satellite images have shown mass graves dug to bury...
Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement Over Yemen
In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...
The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday
When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the Five F’s” – Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family. What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of...
The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News
The Mideast Beast, a satirical news source, has confirmed that they will begin to focus on reporting real news. This comes at a time when real news, fake news, and satire are becoming less and less distinguishable. There have always been some that think satire is real and real news is fake, but recently the number of people unable to...
Human Rights Pussies Blasts Iran for Execution of Wrestler: Takes Focus Away from Israel
Last Saturday, the Iranian regime executed national champion wrestler Navid Afkari despite global appeals to Tehran to spare his life. Executive Director Ren Koth of the NGO Human Rights Pussies, said that the execution was shameful and that Iranian leaders were doing a disservice to the global community by taking away the focus on Israel – the worst human rights...
Possible Life on Venus Discovered, Condemned By Linda Sarsour for not Denouncing Trump, Israel.
Scientists have made a groundbreaking discovery earlier this month saying that there is the potential for possible life on Venus, a planet overlooked for being too hostile for organic matter. While the discovery has been greeted with some enthusiasm, some have said it’s concerning that there is life on other planets and they haven’t said where they stand on Donald...
Ben Rhodes Demands Bailout Funds for Discredited Middle East Experts
With Congress debating the next round of stimulus funding in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, a group of international affairs analysts led by former Obama advisor Ben Rhodes is demanding a federal bailout. The proposal would create a universal basic income, or UBI, for experts in the Middle East who are no longer employable in their field due to years...
Following Abraham Accords, UN Issues Resolution Condemning Peace
The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution Tuesday condemning the concept of peace after leaders from the US, Israel, the UAE and Bahrain signed the Abraham Accords normalizing relations between Israel and the Arab Gulf countries. The resolution, which passed 157 to 7 with 15 abstentions, called peace a “crime against humanity and a Zionist tool.” “Peace is a...
SFSU on Decision to Invite Leila Khaled to Speak; None of the 9/11 Hijackers Were Available
San Francisco State University (SFSU) President Lynn Mahoney is under fire after defending the university’s decision to invite Palestinian terrorist Leila Khaled to take part in a university event via Zoom later this month. In an email she explained that “an invitation to a public figure to speak to a class should not be construed as an endorsement of a...
Israel Reaches Peace Agreement with ‘The Halal Guys’
Israel has taken another step towards acceptance in the Arab World, agreeing to sign a landmark normalization agreement with New York-based fast-casual Middle Eastern chain “The Halal Guys.” The deal was announced just days after the country, long an outcast in the Muslim world, was officially recognized by Bahrain. Israeli Prime Minister is set arrive on Wednesday in Manhattan, where...
Netanyahu Announces New Nation-Wide Coronavirus Restrictions Effective Immediately, Except for Rich People and Politicians
With rising coronavirus infections and a government that seems about as capable of handling the pandemic as a quadriplegic in a three-legged race, Israel has started re-imposing restrictions on the public to prevent the spread of the coronavirus. The government announced earlier this week that they were closing restaurants, gyms, and retail stores to everyone…except for rich people and politicians....
Roger Waters: Zionists Rubbed Their Balls on My New N95 Mask
Roger Waters claimed recently that members of Israel’s intelligence service, Mossad, broke into his house in order to harass him for his anti-Israel stances. Waters took to YouTube to claim that, despite him never having said anything anti-Semitic or done anything anti-Semitic, the Zionist regime was trying to terrorize him by breaking into his home and rubbing their balls on...
Trump Offers to Rebuild Beirut’s Port as a Casino
After over a month of silence from the White House around the tragic explosion in Beirut, the President finally spoke up about his generous plans to help the city rebuild, announcing that what the city really needs, in what used to be its port, is a giant casino. Sources close to the President reported that he stayed quiet about the...
9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits
Al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001 were not intended as an act of terrorism but were in fact a failed attempt at a dramatic gender reveal, senior leaders of the terror group acknowledged. The now-waterlogged al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, was looking to announce the sex of his daughter, Safiyah,...