Old-Fart Algerian Leader Forgoes Re-election Bid to Run for US Presidency

Old-Fart Algerian Leader Forgoes Re-election Bid to Run for US Presidency

Calling the US the only country where an elderly man on death’s doorstep can still run for the nation’s highest office, 82-year-old Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika announced that he will look to challenge Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential election.  His announcement comes after Bouteflika was forced to withdraw from Algeria’s upcoming presidential election, in which he had planned to seek a fifth term, after protests broke out across the country. But Bouteflika, who has rarely given speeches and has...

Vice President Pence Invites Irish PM’s Boyfriend to Roof

Vice President Pence Invites Irish PM’s Boyfriend to Roof

Vice President Pence has invited Dr. Matthew Barrett, partner of Irish Prime Minister, Leo Varadkar to the roof of his official residence, the Naval Observatory. Mr. Pence extended the invitation following an awkward Friends of Ireland breakfast, at which neither Dr. Barrett or Mr. Varadkar were struck down by lightning. One attendee commented, “The Vice President kept on looking upwards during the event, and at one point when he caught the two of them briefly holding hands, he did seem...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
ISIS Elites Bribe Their Children into Top Brainwashing Programs

ISIS Elites Bribe Their Children into Top Brainwashing Programs

ISIS’s most elite education institutions have become increasingly competitive. The schools expect students to reach at least 2,400 conversions, pray five times daily and talk about a time a service trip changed their lives. However, a recent report from the Caliphate has revealed that some of ISIS’s most prominent Jihadis have been bribing their children into its top higher brainwashing programs. These programs are supposed to be a great societal equalizer, with men from all walks of society leaving the...

Jared Kushner Takes Extended Tour of Middle East

Jared Kushner Takes Extended Tour of Middle East

Presidential aide, Jared Kushner, has made a surprise decision to undertake an extended tour of the Middle East. A spokesman for the President’s son-in-law commented, “I think we can all agree that peace in the region is just moments away. However, Mr. Kushner felt there were still some areas which he hadn’t had the chance to experience. Yemen for example. Have you experienced Yemen in the spring? It’s surprisingly delightful. And does anyone else think that Gaza is shockingly unappreciated...

Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East

Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East

Saying that the nation’s involvement in the region does “not spark joy,” newly-named Defense Secretary Marie Kondo announced she will withdraw all US troops and diplomats from the Middle East. President Trump’s surprise pick to replace Jim Mattis, Kondo took only 15 seconds to ditch the country’s entire web of alliances and longstanding hostilities and abandon any relations with the Middle East or the rest of the Muslim world. “The secretary examined the country’s troop presence in Afghanistan and Syria,...

Iranian Leadership: “Just Be Unhappy Like All Other Damn Western Couples”

Iranian Leadership: “Just Be Unhappy Like All Other Damn Western Couples”

Iranian religious leadership has reaffirmed their strong stance that marriage is something that should be endured until either the sweet release of death, or failing that a damn good divorce lawyer. “We won’t stand for all this happiness and displays of affection around this sacred bond,” remarked a spokesman for the religious police. “Why can’t they be miserable like my second cousin and his wife in Baltimore? He spends his days fantasizing about the new intern in Accounts, and she...

Jeremy Corbyn Announces His 2020 Presidential Bid for the Democratic Party

Jeremy Corbyn Announces His 2020 Presidential Bid for the Democratic Party

Jeremy Corbyn, the head of the UK’s Labour Party, has announced that he intends to campaign to be the US Democratic presidential candidate for 2020. “Obviously, my initial instinct was very much that I would never run to be president of imperialist America, but then when I saw how close Bernie Sanders and his democratic socialism got to winning for 2016 I started to rethink things. But only now do I realize that I really can find a political home...

Israelis and Palestinians support No Deal Brexit

Israelis and Palestinians support No Deal Brexit

In a surprise intervention into the Brexit debate ahead of Britain’s expected departure from the European Union, senior Israeli and Palestinian officials have come out in support of a No Deal scenario. “Everyone talks about how a No Deal is such a terrible idea, but not having a recognized treaty or agreement is really not all that bad”, said one Israeli official. “We haven’t had a deal with the Palestinians or most of our neighbors in the Middle East since,...

Assyrians Massacred After Pelosi Leaves Them Out of Anti-Hate Resolution

Assyrians Massacred After Pelosi Leaves Them Out of Anti-Hate Resolution

In one of the Middle East’s worst genocides in a generation, tens of thousands of Assyrians were killed after US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi forgot to include them in a resolution condemning hate. The resolution, originally proposed to focus on anti-Semitism after a string of controversial comments by Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, was ultimately turned into a comprehensive list condemning all possible bigotries. But while denouncing hate against Jews, Muslims, African Americans, Latinos, Swedes, the LGBTQ community, dentists, Klingons, snow...

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is dedicated to convincing people, governments, and corporations that Israel is worth thinking about in their spare time. Though with the attempt at boycotting Matisyahu (a...