CNN Criticizes Iron Dome Attacks Against ‘Mostly Peaceful Rockets’
,

CNN Criticizes Iron Dome Attacks Against ‘Mostly Peaceful Rockets’

Accusing Israel’s missile defense system of unprovoked aggression, CNN has come out against Iron Dome’s violent attacks on “mostly peaceful rockets” fired by Hamas from the Gaza Strip. Noting that the vast majority of the hundreds of rockets launched at Israeli towns and cities landed uneventfully in empty fields, CNN anchor Don Lemon pointed out that the Iron Dome batteries...

Ahmadinejad to Host SNL after Outcry over Musk Appearance
, ,

Ahmadinejad to Host SNL after Outcry over Musk Appearance

Looking to appease cast members traumatized by Tesla CEO Elon Musk’s appearance as guest host, Saturday Night Live has invited former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to host next week’s episode. The actors had demanded SNL producer Lorne Michaels bring on a committed progressive to make up for bringing Musk, who has refused to list his preferred pronouns in his Twitter...

Stacey Abrams Declares Self Israeli Prime Minister
,

Stacey Abrams Declares Self Israeli Prime Minister

With Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu failing to form his right-wing government, former Georgia state legislator Stacey Abrams has declared herself the new premiere and has started to form her cabinet. Abrams, who was not on any ballot and has never been to Israel, insisted that she would have been unanimously elected if not for blatant voter suppression. “These Israelis...

US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is
, ,

US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is

JERUSALEM — Officials in Jerusalem say the city is in the midst of an existential crisis. Not because of former US President Trump’s decision to move the US embassy, or the recent violent clashes in the Old City over the weekend, or the crazy foreigners who dress like Jesus and roam the streets. Rather, they found out that it will...

Looking to Solidify Superpower Status, China Set to Occupy Afghanistan
,

Looking to Solidify Superpower Status, China Set to Occupy Afghanistan

Declaring it a sacred tradition his country is proud to inherit, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced Friday his military is preparing for an invasion and a minimum decade-long occupation of Afghanistan. The announcement came after President Biden announced a full troop withdrawal and an end to the U.S.’s “forever war” in the country last month. “As a rising superpower, we...

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide
,

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide

Following President Biden’s recognition and condemnation of the 100-year-old genocide, former US President Donald Trump took to the internet to insist that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump wrote on his new website. “Not all the Ottomans who...

CIA Announces It Will Fight Terrorists with Hashtags Instead of Drone Strikes
, , ,

CIA Announces It Will Fight Terrorists with Hashtags Instead of Drone Strikes

After releasing a new ad highlighting the agency’s progressive credentials, the CIA announced that it will no longer target enemies through espionage, drone strikes and assassinations but will instead focus on the battlefield of Twitter with viral hashtags and devastating clapbacks. The change in strategy comes as the agency looks to boost its recruitment among millennials, who are less likely...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien
, , ,

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for the recent rocket-fire hitting southern Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for firing rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,”...

American Podcaster Jailed After Saying AOC was “Not his Favorite”
, ,

American Podcaster Jailed After Saying AOC was “Not his Favorite”

A well-known podcaster has been arrested after allegedly threatening the controversial U.S. congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) on Twitter. Two hours after tweeting that AOC was “not his favorite person” due to her comments (and comparisons) on the Israel-Palestine conflict, podcaster Jacob Barns was arrested by plainclothes agents working for the Bureau for the Investigation of Trash-Talking, Curse Words and...

Vaccinated Astronauts Alone in Outer Space Can Remove Masks, CDC Says
, ,

Vaccinated Astronauts Alone in Outer Space Can Remove Masks, CDC Says

Following Fox News’ conservative host Tucker Carlson’s controversial comments on wearing masks, the Centers for Disease Control aimed to strike a balance and has relaxed its restrictions for vaccinated Americans. The CDC now says that those who are fully vaccinated can remove their masks, as long as they are astronauts who are at least 250 miles above the Earth’s surface...

Kerry Reveals to Iranians that ‘Israeli Salad’ Just Tomatoes and Cucumbers
,

Kerry Reveals to Iranians that ‘Israeli Salad’ Just Tomatoes and Cucumbers

In another shocking breach of Israel’s national security, leaked audio reveals that former US Secretary of State John Kerry revealed to high-ranking Iranian security officials that the famous “Israeli Salad” is nothing more than chopped cucumbers and tomatoes with a little bit of red onion and lemon juice. “You know, for years I’ve been hearing about how great this ‘Israeli...

Jewish Extremists Were Really Yelling “Death to Ahab” in Reference to Moby Dick
, , ,

Jewish Extremists Were Really Yelling “Death to Ahab” in Reference to Moby Dick

In a shocking defense tactic for the Jewish extremist group, Lehava, who stormed Palestinian neighborhoods in East Jerusalem last weekend, the leaders of the attacks are claiming that contrary to popular belief they were not shouting “Death to Arabs,” but in fact were shouting “Death to Ahab,” after reading Moby Dick and watching the hit Netflix Documentary Seaspiracy in one...

Confused Biden Mistakenly Recognizes Armadillo Genocide
, ,

Confused Biden Mistakenly Recognizes Armadillo Genocide

After preparing to make history with his recognition of the Armenian genocide, US President Joe Biden appeared to draw a blank when trying to remember the name of the national group and instead marked the anniversary of the “Armadillo genocide.” “Today, we must keep the memory of those who died in the genocide of the, uh, Armanis? No, that’s not...

Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’
, ,

Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’

Following a successful vaccine rollout, Israel is finally beginning to reopen and ‘get back to normal’. At the same time, the state is attempting to maintain a balance to stave off future lockdowns. While many countries across the globe struggle to create a new social contract for our collective new reality, it seems Israel has a blueprint at hand. “We...

Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It
,

Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It

Israel’s High Court has declared annexation of the West Bank as ‘unconstitutional’, thus potentially putting a stopper in Netanyahu’s despotic pursuits. However, never one to be deterred by minor rules, such as international law, the Prime Minister took a bold stance against the ruling, claiming that annexation is not “illegal”, it’s merely “socially distant from the law”. Much like his...

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’
, ,

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’

Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast....