Sanders Blasts .1% of Americans for Hogging 100% of Coronavirus

Sanders Blasts .1% of Americans for Hogging 100% of Coronavirus

In a scathing attack on Americans battling COVID-19, Senator Bernie Sanders accused the 60,000 Americans diagnosed with the novel coronavirus of rigging the system to prevent all Americans from experiencing the disease. “We keep hearing about how America is leading the world in new coronavirus cases, and how there have never been more Americans with a fever and dry cough, but for most citizens it does not feel that way,” Sanders said at a recent rally. “It is not fair...

To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning

To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning

MANHATTAN — The Mideast Beast’s North American Desk was at the Javits Center in Manhattan on Tuesday covering the latest on the coronavirus. In an effort to stop its spread, New York’s Governor Andrew M. Cuomo called for the harshest measures yet to combat the infectious disease. Cuomo was adamant that the city’s residents must stay indoors, noting, “We need New Yorkers to sit tight for now, in their shitty, overpriced, moldy, windowless apartments and drink their lead poisoned water”....

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Blaming Thunberg and AOC for Coronavirus, Iran Refuses Help from US, Sweden

Blaming Thunberg and AOC for Coronavirus, Iran Refuses Help from US, Sweden

After refusing to receive medicine to fight the coronavirus from both the US and from Sweden, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei explained to The Mideast Beast why he believes the two nations are in cahoots. “Look at the world right now”, said Khamenei, “the streets are empty everywhere. Everything is closed. No cars, no shops, no souks, no nothing. Broadway? Curtains are down. Disney World? Dead as Baghdadi. Even the streets of occupied Palestine are empty! Well, except for Tel...

Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine

Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine

The health-concerned feminist Taliban have placed Afghani harems in indefinite quarantine. The dramatic development comes as the coronavirus has wreaked havoc on Afghanistan’s once booming Jihad Trade Exchange and closed the country’s world-famous beaches to opium-seeking California dreaming surfers. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar told The Mideast Beast how it feels to be in self-imposed quarantine in a compact cave with 4 Jihad Playmate wives and 72 Victoria Secret virgin servants. “It’s very difficult but someone has to do...

Israelis and Palestinians Unite to “Wipe Coronavirus off the Map”

Israelis and Palestinians Unite to “Wipe Coronavirus off the Map”

Israelis and Palestinians have vowed to “wipe the coronavirus off the map” together. Gaza resident Thabet Thabet spoke to The Mideast Beast. “It feels like cheating, but I’m cheering Zionist Apache AH-64s neutralizing corona sites in Gaza. In return, since Yid Men Can’t Jump with anti-Covid-19 bomb belts, we teach them all our tricks.” Across the border, one Israeli man, Moshe ben Shimon, admitted that he supports Hamas. “I would probably not invite Hamas folks for dinner, but they are...

Heaven Decreases Virgins Per Muslim from 72 to 4 Amid Fears that Large Gatherings Further the Spread of Covid-19

Heaven Decreases Virgins Per Muslim from 72 to 4 Amid Fears that Large Gatherings Further the Spread of Covid-19

A new report from heaven indicates that the inter-religious council of Gods will be announcing today a decrease in virgins per Muslim from 72 to 4. The move was adopted out of fears that large gatherings will lead to the spread of the novel coronavirus. The move comes after the council rejected plans by the Abrahamic Gods to save the population by building an ark. “Things are going to be a lot different around here,” said a representative of the...

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy to the Omani people and ending the dictatorship of Sultan Haitham bin Tariq, who took office in January. “For too...

Afghanistan: We Should Be Named Happiest Country

Afghanistan: We Should Be Named Happiest Country

Finland has been named happiest country in the world in the yearly World Happiness Report. The prize for the most miserable nation was taken by Afghanistan, a country so extremely democratic that it elected two presidents in its last presidential elections. The Mideast Beast first spoke to President Abdullah Abdullah about Afghanistan’s poor ranking. “I highly question the way that the report was compiled”, said Abdullah, “The authors looked at factors such as honest governments, safe environments and healthy lives....

US Kills Virulent Terrorist Mastermind Corona, Trump Claims

US Kills Virulent Terrorist Mastermind Corona, Trump Claims

In a dramatic overnight covert operation, US Special Forces eliminated the world’s top virulent terrorist, General Corona, outside Baghdad airport. According to President Trump, a US drone fired 19 COVID-positive missiles into the car, carrying Corona, his virulent bodyguards, and some other douche of a virus. In recent weeks, the virus mastermind wreaked havoc on every sector throughout societies worldwide. Corona recently forced the New York Stock Exchange to close its trading floor. A self-congratulatory President Trump spoke to The...

‘Israelis Not Sexting as Much’, General Security Services Complain

‘Israelis Not Sexting as Much’, General Security Services Complain

This week saw the deployment of “digital methods” by the Israeli government to stem the tide of Covid-19 infections and with it, a trove of new information is being made available to the Israeli security services. After the first week they have begun to draw some conclusions, and some of them have surprised Shin Bet agents in charge of intel collection. “Israelis aren’t sexting as much as we were hoping,” noted one mid-level agent overseeing the surveillance. Another agent told...