Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Not to be outdone by their North African counterparts, Hamas has declared a ban on plastic bags in the Gaza Strip. “We believe that this activism in the Gaza strip will help to alleviate the environmental impact of 70 years of burning tires and corn fields in occupied Palestine. We follow in the footsteps of the world leaders who made environmental protection a priority; Mahatma Gandhi, Theodore Roosevelt, Hermann Göring. You know all the greats.” A representative from the United...

Wounds of Terror, Laughter that Heals, and a Mr. Potato Head Fetish

Wounds of Terror, Laughter that Heals, and a Mr. Potato Head Fetish

Go straight to Sound Cloud for Kay Wilson’s amazing interview. If you faked your own death and survived, what would your real life look like after that? On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone gets in bed (literally) with Kay Wilson, survivor of a brutal terrorist attack. Clearly using humor to cope with reality, Wilson is, no joke, fighting against western monies funding terrorist groups, friending the supposed enemy, and admittedly still playing with Mr....

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...

PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists

PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists

The Israeli parliament’s decision to bring forward legislation to financially penalize the Palestinian Authority by the amount they pay out to families of terrorists, has led to a call for compromise by the West Bank leadership. “We get it, honestly. We understand why the Israelis might be a bit pissed with us for dishing out dollars to encourage more stabbings”, a spokesman said. “But, not all our guys are that bad, Zionist-killing aside of course. More than one of them...

Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh

Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh

Noting that nobody could be more radical than Trump’s pick for the seat, Senate Democrats are urging the US president to replace Brett Cavanaugh with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “I demand that President Trump withdraw his pick immediately and appoint a moderate, like [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad or al-Baghdadi,” Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters said after Trump’s pick was announced. “Now, I admit that I haven’t Googled Cabernet, or whatever his [Kavanaugh’s] name is, yet, but since Trump picked him...

Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement

Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement

ISIS signed up to the Paris Climate Agreement yesterday whilst at the same time criticizing the United States which, following an executive order issued by President Trump, withdrew from the accords. “We recognize that planet earth belongs to all our children and that it is our global responsibility to look after it”, the Islamic terror group said in a statement. “By all our children, of course, we mean only those who recognize our cause for Jihad. The infidels’ children obviously...

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Due to escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?” Despite heavy media attention on Israel, a deeper analysis has uncovered that the...

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again claimed victory at the polls, this time declaring himself winner of the 2018 American Idol competition. “I am humbled and gratified that the voters of this competition have chosen to reward me for my talents,” Erdogan said at a rally in Ankara, the Turkish capital. “This is a win for Turkey and a blow to its terrorist and Zionist enemies.” His announcement came two weeks after the Turkish leader claimed victory for...

Uncovered: Iranian General Self-Publishes Weather-Themed Anthology of Poetry

Uncovered: Iranian General Self-Publishes Weather-Themed Anthology of Poetry

Allowing the world to glimpse his sensitive side, General Gholam Reza Jalali debuted his book of poetry to a select group of Mullahs and Washington DC city council members on Monday. “In his welcoming he said, “For too long the Zionists have had a lock on literature. Philip Roth, Saul Bellow, that Anne Frank chick. Well now everyone can hear about my existential crisis.” The collection, entitled ‘First They Came for the Clouds’, owes its title to its first piece, which...

The Doctor is In… Scary is the New Sexy, or at Least for This Podcast

The Doctor is In… Scary is the New Sexy, or at Least for This Podcast

Click here to go straight to Sound Cloud to listen to the newest TMB podcast. He’s a doctor of terrorism, but that’s not even the terrifying part. On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast host Molly Livingstone gets in the mind of Dr. Matthew Levitt (his mom made us make sure we wrote DOCTOR), of The Washington Institute for Near East Policy, to discuss terrorism, countering that terrorism, and if this podcast is effectively doing both. Is Dr....