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BREAKING Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”
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Small Suspicion Jared Peace Plan not Working
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Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself
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Hillary Clinton to Run for President of Syria
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Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers
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The Mideast Beast Presents the Fill-in-the-Blank Israeli-Palestinian Conflict News Template
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Iraqi Government Receives Online Applications from DC
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Jewish, Arab Colleagues Endure Middle East Questions from Co-Workers
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Bacon Sandwiches Encourage Israeli-Palestinian Peace
Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns
In response to legislation in Austria, Denmark and France banning Muslim women from wearing the burqa, Muslim countries across the Middle East have begun cracking down on young to middle-aged white men sporting “man buns”. Saudi Arabia was the first to issue a “man bun ban,” calling the hairstyle a threat to national security. Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan soon followed suit. “Potential terrorists can hide weapons or explosives in these man buns, putting innocent lives at risk,” Iranian President Hassan...
Freed Saudi Prince Disputes Minibar Bill
Prince Khaled bin Talal is locked in a war of words with the Riyadh Ritz-Carlton over minibar charges which he says have nothing to do with him. A spokesman for the Prince stated, “He’s been pretty chill about being locked up by his nephew for the last year on pretty ambiguous ‘corruption’ charges. But this is a step too far. He is adamant that he never touched those mini-sized bottles of soft drinks, the pretzels or packets of M&Ms. I...
Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp
ISRAEL — In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. I figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn on my iPhone. That’s when Ahmed, a Palestinian camper, saw what I was looking at. I thought ‘shit, now I’m...
Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides
Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation over his support for US President Donald Trump. “Aggrieved young men from middle class backgrounds who are insecure about their masculinity,...
Saudis Claim Khashoggi Was Hillary in a Wig
In the latest of a string of increasingly desperate calls to the White House, Crown Prince bin Salman has claimed that the reporter known as ‘Jamal Khashoggi’ was in fact former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, acting out an elaborate deep state, Soros led, black-op to cause a division in the US-Saudi relationship. A spokesman for the Prince commented, “So to be honest we were running out of options. Even John Bolton wasn’t buying that Kamal was a dangerous radical...
Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream
In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish targets and small pebbles referencing the rocks thrown at Israeli tanks and cars. “Alongside all those nutty chunks, this pint packs a powerful message under...
“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits
HEAVEN — On Thursday evening, God acknowledged that a negotiated settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict “is not in the cards” during his remaining time in power. “While God believes steps can be taken to minimize violence and perhaps set the table for future negotiations, He has determined that a final status agreement is beyond reach for the foreseeable future,” one of God’s senior advisors told The Mideast Beast. “At this point, God’s goal is simply to preserve the possibility of a...
War Reporters Disappointed to Learn That Yemen Just Always Looked Like That
Arriving in Sana’a, Yemen, 24-hour cable news reporters thought they’d struck gold. As CNN’s Bud Fugg explained, “The whole place is totally destroyed. Ruins! What visuals!” Yet as Fugg and his colleagues began collecting footage and talking to locals, they were disappointed to learn that this was pretty much how the city always looked. “Turns out,” reported a mournful Fugg, “that the place has always been a massive shit hole.” Other reporters told of similar experiences. “My guy is filming this...
Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when Netanyahu...
Israelis and Palestinians Demand End to 50 Cent-Ja Rule Conflict
Declaring that the both sides in the dispute need to put the past behind them, Israelis and Palestinians have come together to call for an end to the longstanding conflict between rappers Ja Rule and 50 Cent. The joint plea for peace between the two New York City rappers comes after 50 Cent reignited the feud when he bought 200 front-row seat tickets to Ja Rule’s concert in Arlington, Texas. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas offered to host peace talks, declaring that...