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BREAKING ISIS Can’t Understand Why Sanders Hasn’t Praised It Yet
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Iran Offers Fresh Election Advice to Democrats Who Want to Get Rid of Bernie Sanders
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Jared Kushner Offers Sanders Campaign His Middle East Peace Plan
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New York Times Defends Publishing Terrorist Op-ed: He’s no Bret Stephens
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Palestinian Authority and Israel Offer Couples Therapy to Democrats and Republicans
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Hezbollah Offers Bloomberg Easier Route to Suicide
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PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects
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Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business
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‘Years as Hamas Prisoner Prepared Me for Marriage,’ Gilad Shalit Says
Bloomberg Loses Youth Vote After He Forgets to Buy Ads on The Mideast Beast
Former mayor and Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has seen his support among young voters plummet despite millions in new media advertising after the billionaire neglected to promote a single post on The Mideast Beast, a popular political satire news site. The Bloomberg campaign made headlines by sponsoring content on several popular social media accounts in an effort to reach millennial voters. Experts say the strategy would have worked, virtually assuring him the presidency, had he not overlooked the most...
BDS Supporters Accidently Cheer Israeli-Ethiopian Soldier Beating-up Palestinian Teen
A video of a dark skinned, plain-clothed Israeli soldier brutally punching a pale, red-haired Palestinian teen was captured by a passerby, yesterday, in East Jerusalem, near a demonstration against the so-called “Deal of the Century.” The video was widely circulated on the web, confusing Americans with strong feelings and little knowledge of the Middle East conflict. “This is an expected response to the white supremacist Israeli state,” said Shaun King, a leading voice on police brutality in the US, in...
Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel
Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best way to express this.” Israeli police reported that they had defused several bombs shaped as pink and red hearts. Police...
Virus-Free Middle East Feeling Pretty Smug at the Moment
Residents of the Middle East have been united this week as they remain free of the latest zombie plague originating in China. Israeli bus driver Yehuda Ben-Shalom commented, “It’s just great to read about the world falling apart and not having it headlined with a picture of the Dome of the Rock. We might have to dodge the odd Palestinian chucking a rock, but none of them have ever tried to sneeze on me in a weaponised way.” Palestinian dentist...
AOC Praises Middle Eastern Leader Yasser Ben-Gurion
Looking to tout her expertise on Middle Eastern political expertise, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez cited “famed leader Yasser Ben-Gurion” in an Instagram post. “I was just reading about how famed leader Yasser Ben-Gurion predicted decades ago that President Trump would ruin things between the Israelis and Palestinians,” Ocasio-Cortez wrote on Instagram, confusing David Ben-Gurion, Israel’s first prime minister, and Palestinian Liberation Organization founder Yasser Arafat. “I don’t remember what he said, but I think it was something about falafel.”...
Jimmy Carter Offers Jews Homemade Peanut Butter if They Return to Egypt
Former US President Jimmy Carter has reportedly offered the Jews his highly coveted homemade peanut butter if they give up Zionist imposed slavery and return to freedom in Egypt. The unconventional offer comes after Carter recently criticized President Trump’s “Deal of the Century” Middle Eastern peace plan. Jimmy Carter spoke to The Mideast Beast from his decaying farm while promoting his new book “Palestine: Peanut Peace, not Trump Apartheid”. “President Trump’s peace plan endangers the implementation of a fair and...
ISIS Offshoot Wins Popularity After Describing Attacks as ‘Democratic Terrorism’
An offshoot of the Islamic militant group ISIS has seen its popularity surge among US millennials after explaining its acts of violence are in fact “democratic terrorism.” “This is nothing like the real terrorism that al Qaeda or Hezbollah carry out,” Mohammed al-Sandersi, the head of Democratic ISIS, or DISIS, told The Mideast Beast. “It is going to be good terrorism, like in Norway or Sweden.” Despite the country’s historic aversion to radical jihad, DISIS has quickly gained adherents at...
Israel Begins Direct Iran Flights, Using F-35 Combat Aircraft
Israel’s Aviation Authority has for the first time since the Islamic Revolution in 1979, greenlighted direct flights to Iran. The dramatic decision comes after relations between Iran and Israel are warming up, especially in Syria. Until flight conditions stabilize, F35, F15 and F16 combat aircraft from the Israeli Air Force will operate the flight route from Tel Aviv to Tehran. Iran’s Ayatollah Ministry of Transport did express concern that the “unilateral racist Zionist flights” would deny “frequent flyer virgin benefits...
Syria to Send Election Monitors to New Hampshire
Citing confusion and irregularities during Monday’s Democratic caucuses in Iowa, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced his country will send election monitors to oversee the upcoming primary in New Hampshire. “The citizens of the state, the country, and the world need to know whether the results of the New Hampshire election truly reflects the will of the people,” Assad said during a press conference. “It is imperative for the global community to ensure that the American people – and not party...
Syrian Observers Certify Iowa Results
Syrian election observers certified the Iowa Caucus results and Pete Buttigieg was declared the winner in a tight Iowa primary that plunged the Democratic Party into turmoil this week. The Syrian delegation was greeted as liberators and relief swept over Iowa after a week of turmoil that brought the state to its knees by a few hundred senior citizens trying to make an app on their phone work. The Syrian government received the appointment as part of its official role...