Netanyahu Says He Was Forced Into Opposition Because Lawmakers Wanted to Date Him
Taking a page from US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s playbook, former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu now blames strong sexual attraction from fellow creepy weirdo members of the Knesset for his failure to form a government last year. Netanyahu says that nearly all lawmakers believed he was the best choice to lead the Jewish State for another term but were so...
With de Blasio Gone, Assad Excited to Once Again be World’s Worst Leader
After eight years languishing in the number two spot, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad proudly reclaimed the title of “world’s worst leader” on New Year’s Day when New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio officially left office. Assad had held the title from 2011 to 2014 after launching a relentless campaign against Syrian civilians, as his nation descended into civil war....
2022 off To Good Start After World Leaders Reveal Truly Inspirational New Year’s Resolutions
Across the globe, and especially in the Middle East, leaders and politicians – from popes to Ayatollahs and from Presidents to Vice Presidents – rang in 2022 with their own New Year’s resolutions. The Mideast Beast, in a joint operation with Wikileaks, has exclusively obtained documents revealing the New Year’s Resolutions of the following political figures: Russian President Vladimir Putin:...
God Lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2022nd Time
After another year of war between Middle Eastern countries and factions, and a never-ending global pandemic, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2020 was a bust and 2021 definitely didn’t go as planned, but new year, new me! In 2022 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars. No promises on Covid....
European Official Claims Spike in Anti-Semitism Due to “Reading Chart Upside-Down”
Amid fears that anti-Semitism is beginning to rear its ugly head on the once fertile, Jew-hating soil of Europe, an exodus off the continent has begun. Jews are starting to treat Europe like a bagel shop that ran out of lox, with more and more leaving every year. Many theories have been put forward as to why this migration is...
A Year of Shadowbans & Jail Time: The Mideast Beast’s Top 12 Articles of 2021 That You Probably Missed
Hello fans! We had a clever write-up prepared but, in all honesty, we didn’t want to waste any more of your time that you could be spending enjoying what’s left of this spectacular year. So, let’s just get on with it. For your reading pleasure…that you were robbed of…all year long 👇 ‘Why Do Only Loser Congresspeople Like Us?’ Hamas...
Palestinians Hire Kevin McCallister to Train in Anti-Occupation Resistance
Looking to finally achieve independence, the Palestinian Authority has hired Chicago resident Kevin McCallister to advise the government on how to resist occupation against a stronger invading force. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas reached out to McCallister after seeing how he fought off attempts by a crime duo known as the “Wet Bandits,” first in his family’s home outside Chicago and...
Santa Still Stuck at Port of LA, Deliveries Delayed Until Easter
A backlog at the Port of Los Angeles threatened Christmas for millions of American children, as Santa Claus and his reindeer were stuck at the LA shipping docks due to the supply chain crisis. Now, experts say, Santa might not make it into every home until as late as April, meaning millions of children will be without their toys until...
Blitzen Killed Over Israel as Iron Dome Mistakes Santa’s Sleigh for Missile
A detection error by Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, took out one of Santa’s reindeer and threatened to derail Christmas Friday night. Saint Nick was flying from Lebanon into northern Israel, where he was set to deliver toys to Christian children in and around Nazareth. When the Iron Dome detected a suspicious group of objects flying low in the...
ISIS-K Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’
Santa Claus is being held by ISIS-K fighters in Afghanistan, as the Islamic State in the Khorasan Province is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS-K fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s...
Iran Releases ‘A Christmas Story’ Remake in Which Little Ali Asks Santa for a Nuke
Looking to tap into Americans’ nostalgia for Christmas movies, the Islamic Republic of Iran has released a modern remake of the holiday classic ‘A Christmas Story.’ But instead of nine-year-old Ralphie Parker, the main character of the remake is 82-year-old Persian boy Ali Khamenei. And rather than asking Santa for a BB gun, Little Ali just wants a military nuclear...
Iranians Announce Soleimani Prize for Revolutionary Leaders Who Don’t Die in Drone Strikes
Following the not-at-all shocking report that Israeli intelligence was involved in the U.S. targeted strike that killed the commander of the Quds Force (IRGC), Iranian President Hassan Rouhani announced the formation of a committee to award the ״Major General Soleimani Prize״. The prize – in memory of the infamous general who died in January 2020 from complications related to a...
Santa’s Sleigh Lodged in Suez Canal
As if supply chain disruptions weren’t bad enough already, Tuesday evening Santa’s sleigh became jackknifed in the Suez Canal, blocking boat traffic indefinitely. While attempting to unload a pallet of PlayStation 5’s from a cargo ship for the few good Christian children in the Middle East, Donner and Blitzen backed up too quickly, tangled their reigns, and lodged Santa’s Sleigh...
After Botox Scandal, Saudi Camel Pageant to Focus More on Q&A Portion
This year’s King Abdulaziz Camel Pageant was rocked by scandal when 43 contestants were disqualified for using Botox injections and other cosmetic surgeries to enhance their appearance. In order to discourage other camels from making dangerous body modifications, officials have announced that, going forward, scoring will rely more on the question-and-answer portion, rather than a camel’s sheer sex appeal. “We...
ISIS Accuses Biden of Plagiarizing ‘Winter of Death’ Speech
President Joe Biden has once again been accused of plagiarism, with accusations this time centering on a speech encouraging Covid-19 vaccines which ISIS leaders say was lifted nearly verbatim from the group’s former Caliph. The speech, which had already drawn criticism from conservatives for its dark message, touted the efficacies of vaccines but carried a stern message for those who...
Trumps Blasts Jesus for Taking Three Days to Rise from the Dead
Calling the central figure of Christianity “really overrated” and “frankly not that tough,” US President Donald Trump bragged that it took him less time to recover from Covid-19 than it took Jesus to rise from the dead. “Everyone makes a big deal about this Jesus guy. ‘Oh, Jesus is so brave because he rose from the dead.’ Sure, but it...
ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays
Like all holiday seasons that are just around the corner, they can be a period of intense joy, spending time with family and friends. But they can also be a time of dread. For many couples in a new relationship, one has to ask if the holidays are the right time to meet that significant other’s family. This predicament is no...
Erdogan Names 50 Cent Finance Minister
Looking to right the country’s economic ship amidst a falling lira and high unemployment, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced that he has named rapper Curtis Jackson, better known as 50 Cent, as the country’s new finance minister. The appointment came as a surprise to many in the international community given Jackson’s public struggles to maintain his own finances. Jackson...
Saudi Arabia to Open Least Exciting Resorts Ever
The Saudi Arabian government has admitted to being disappointed at the public reaction to its plans for new tourist resorts on islands in the Red Sea. One blogger commented, “So what you’re saying is it will be like lying on a beach in Dubai but without the two-for-one cocktail hour. Or like lying on the beach in Tel Aviv but...
Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages
HEAVEN — A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical...