Grammy Award winner and domestic violence advocate Chris Brown was arrested on Tuesday following a standoff with police at his Hollywood mansion. Brown, best known for having the unmitigated gall to raise his fist to Rihanna’s beautiful visage back in 2009, recorded a profanity-laced rant on his Instagram account defending his actions and declaring himself a victim of police brutality....
A few days ago, Carl Rickman was just another University of Connecticut Husky trying to survive summer semester finals. The sophomore economics major and Beta Theta Pi bro never thought he would be catapulted to center stage of world peace for his brave and intelligent academic work. Rickman was attending the Tuesday lecture of his political science course this past...
RIYADH — A special criminal court in Saudi Arabia has sentenced an Egyptian man to six years in prison on charges of sorcery, violating labor laws, and using wizardry to aid Saudi Arabia’s personal Voldemort, Iran. The Egyptian is accused of emailing sensitive diplomatic intel to Iran, including information on Saudi troop movements and the proper way to pronounce Wingardium...
Saying he was “110 percent sorry,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan admitted Thursday that he had fabricated his story about an alleged coup against his government after he drunkenly vandalized a gas station. After a July 15 incident, Erdogan claimed that he and his government had been the victim of an attempted coup d’état, with the president narrowly avoiding an...
NICE — The Islamic State terrorist group was dealt a devastating blow last week, as a French ban on the burkini, put a stop to an ISIS plot to detonate an explosive vest in the Mediterranean Sea. “In what would have been our greatest strike ever against the infidel Crusaders, a young martyr was set to hide an explosive vest...
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange claims the organization has obtained thousands of e-mails showing that Israel’s Mossad national intelligence agency has recently made overtures to newly-retired Olympic legend Michael Phelps. During an interview with television host Bill Maher, Assange said; “Our recently decapitated source inside the Israeli government provided us with a treasure trove of information about some of the country’s...
Senior officials from Doctors Without Borders (Médecins Sans Frontières, MSF) have signed a pledge to stop placing their medical facilities in the path of bombs and missiles on their way to legitimate targets. William Jones of Doctors Without Borders commented; “When you’re wrong it’s important to stick your hand up and say ‘hey, our bad’. If this was the first...
In what may be a turning point in Europe’s war against terrorism, an Islamic State cell operating in Milan has suspended all Jihadi-related activities and apparently retired to the Italian countryside. “After this group was bitch-slapped out of Libya, we feared that Jihadi fighters might sneak onto refugee boats, cross the Mediterranean and launch lone wolf attacks in Italy. However,...
An Israeli pacifist has died trying to fulfill his dream of “spreading the message of love and liberty across the hate-filled deserts of the Middle East.” 27-year-old Ori Ashkenazi left Tel Aviv to great fanfare, telling CNN: “Ever since I was a kid at a candle-lit memorial for our slain prime minister, Yitzhak Rabin, I’ve dreamed of peace in the...
Jabhat Al-Nusra recently announced it will be breaking apart from Al Qaeda in an attempt to appeal to a wider audience in Syria. “We wanted to become more sexy and modern. Al Qaeda just wasn’t giving off that vibe.” Said Mostafa Mahamed, one of the group’s leaders. The organization has also changed its name to Jabhat Fateh Al-Sham (the Front...
Following a Mossad revelation that an employee of international aid group World Vision diverted millions of donated dollars to Hamas, the charity has admitted that while true, the money was only used by Hamas for infrastructure and scientific research programs. A spokesman for the organization cited dozens of Hamas tunnels in the Gaza strip as “clear evidence” that Hamas was using funds...
AL-HAWIJA, IRAQ — Shockwaves are reverberating through ISIS leadership today, and this time, they aren’t from drone strikes. According to sources, top ISIS executioner and Jihadi John successor, Radicalized Randy, has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. Randy is the latest in a string of public figures accused of doping, joining the company of most Russian Olympic athletes, who ostensibly...
RAQQA, SYRIA — With the Rio Olympics opening ceremony rapidly approaching, terrorism experts around the world are expressing concern over the possibility of a biological or chemical weapons attack by ISIS. However, official ISIS spokesbeard Abu Muhammad Al-Adnani al-Shami was surprised when questioned by The Mideast Beast about any potential terrorist action in Brazil: “We can’t be bothered with attacking...
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move aimed at silencing critics over his $400 million cash transfer to Iran in what many considered a ransom payment for four imprisoned Americans, President Obama announced Friday that he would insist Iran pay hefty ATM fees for the monetary transfer. “Now, I’m not talking about the fee you pay when you go to the...
Doubling down on his strategy to attack Khizr and Ghazala Khan, the Gold Star parents of deceased Captain Humayan Khan, Trump continued his ‘say the stupidest thing possible and still get elected’ campaign by claiming that had he been president 12 years ago Khizr Khan’s son would still be alive. He also stated that if elected president, he is the...
In a terrifying new strategy aimed at escalating its war against the West, ISIS announced that it will inundate Americans with Game of Thrones spoilers next season unless the U.S. withdraws completely from the Middle East. “All the infidel drones and war planes in the world cannot change the fact that the Caliphate is seven hours ahead of the East...
With polls showing Hillary Clinton with a sizable lead following the Democratic convention, Republican presidential candidate and former Carrot Top impersonator Donald Trump has announced that his campaign will now target disillusioned “ISIS-American” voters this fall. “Now crooked Hillary may be too politically correct to say, ‘There is no God but Allah, and Muhammed is his prophet,’ but, believe me,...
Promising an amendment to the document if elected, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted America’s founding fathers for being “too politically correct” to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” in the Declaration of Independence. “Hey, I haven’t actually had time to read the Declaration of Independence, but believe me, I was shocked when my advisors told me that there wasn’t one mention of...
On Thursday, Syrian President Bashar Assad, offered amnesty to approximately 11 million undocumented workers and their families currently residing in the United States. “More than 4.5 million refugees have fled Syria. My country is emptying out faster than a keg of shitty beer at a frat party. Anyone with a strong back and love for the great outdoors is welcome. While we can’t...
ISIS member, Mohammed Abdulrahman had been playing Pokémon GO when he stumbled upon a Mr. Mime in the ISIS occupied territory of Mosul. “I was hoping to catch a Pikachu. I was pretty disappointed to find it was this annoying Pokémon.” After watching it flail his hands and yell ‘Mr. Mime’ over and over, Mohammed reported the psychic Pokémon to...
