Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying nearly three years ago, and her clear success at it thus far as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, Adolf Hitler’s longtime mistress, noted....
President Donald Trump lashed out at Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, responding to criticism from the 18-year-old Pakistani by claiming that “a real hero would have never gotten shot in the first place.” “I mean, everyone goes on about how, ‘Oh, she’s soooo brave, and so courageous,’ just because she got shot in the face. I mean, how brave do you...
ALEPPO, SYRIA — Following attempts to introduce a Muslim ban, then to repeal and replace Obamacare, followed by a rocky visit with NATO countries, and topping things off with Trump officially announcing America’s withdrawal from the Paris Agreement on climate change, residents of Aleppo, Syria have suggested to President Donald Trump that civil wars are not nearly as good an idea as he seems to think....
MANHATTAN — Saying he had stayed silent for years out of shame, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accused Donald Trump of groping him and making unwanted sexual advances more than a decade ago. “I was alone with Mr. Trump at a rally against the Iraq war in 2003 when he just grabbed me,” said a tearful al-Baghdadi. “I always blamed myself.”...
Saying that they just couldn’t believe that Russia would meddle in another country’s affairs, Syrian residents are shocked and outraged over reports from U.S. intelligence agencies concluding that Russia interfered in the American elections on behalf of President-Elect Donald Trump. “I just cannot imagine that [Russian President Vladimir] Putin would have anything but total respect for a country’s domestic political...
TRUMP TOWER, NYC — Donald Trump had been making conservative Christians very uneasy. The religious right, who historically have supported Republican presidents, have found it difficult to politically back someone as liberal as Donald Trump. Struggling to find “a relationship with Christ“, and thus a way to connect to Christians, Trump apparently found the solution: he announced yesterday that he is, in...
ABU DHABI — In what can be considered vindication for President-elect Donald Trump on one of his most controversial proposals, Muslims from across the Middle East and beyond have unanimously signed off Trump’s plan to ban Muslims from entering the country. “While there’s been much made of President Trump’s promise to ban Muslims and the impact it will have on...
Iranian President Rouhani has offered to help the Stein campaign with its efforts to hold ballot recounts in the states of Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Michigan, sources say. Iran is, understandably, gravely disappointed at the prospect of a Trump presidency and the possible dismantlement of the nuclear deal. “The Iranian people see eye to eye with moderate America in our disdain...
The Syrian president and barrel bomb fanatic (gawky guy on the right) has claimed today that 500,000 people voted illegally in his 2014 sweeping election win. “Serious election irregularities have been brought to my attention regarding widespread voting fraud two years ago. Personally, this doesn’t come as a surprise as I could never understand why half a million people would...
A source inside the FBI has confirmed to The Mideast Beast that, following the election results last week, FBI director James Comey received several calls of congratulations on the successful manipulation of the U.S. elections from the heads of secret police agencies from around the world. First to call was the Egyptian Mukhābarāt (secret police), responsible for the brutal suppression...
Shortly after 4am, Syrian government forces in west Aleppo crossed over into the rebel-held east, bearing cigarettes and coffee. Fighters from both sides were seen sitting in small circles smoking and staring into the middle distance with some placing a comforting arm around their former foes’ shoulders. Simultaneously over Yemen, Saudi warplanes dropped food and medical supplies with the note...
Calling it “the culmination of everything we’ve worked for all these years,” a teary-eyed Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that ISIS had completed its mission of bringing around the end of Western Civilization. At ISIS headquarters in Raqqa, supporters were celebrating well into Wednesday morning, with a “Mission Accomplished” banner hanging in the background. Ignoring the Muslim ban on alcohol,...
The president of Afghanistan has announced that he will be opening his country’s borders to American refugees should Trump become the President Elect on Tuesday. The Afghan representative to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees has assessed that at least three million Americans are planning to flee immediately following a Trump win. Preparations are being made to receive them...
A new poll shows the overwhelming majority of ISIS sleeper agents in the United States prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election. The first-time survey on the political positions of covert agents of the Islamic State currently residing in the US, as well as agents planted in refugee populations destined for the US, indicate that they...
Reports from Afghanistan suggest that senior Al-Qaeda leadership are running out into fields waving red flags and waiting for the sweet release of death to avoid any more 24-news coverage of the US presidential election. A spokesman for the group said; “On reflection, it was a mistake to sign up for the full news package from Al Jazeera. We should...
With just a few days to go until “The Coming of the Nameless One Who Has Sapped the Energy From Every Single Human Being Over the Past Six Months” – or the U.S. presidential elections as some people still insist on calling it – the people of Yemen are looking forward to regaining their place at the forefront of the world’s attention. One...
ISIS has announced the launch of Operation ‘Wait and See’ against the United States, as the terrorist group plans to “sit back and just kind of see how things play out” for the next three or four days. “It feels a little bit silly to be plotting attacks that will maybe kill 15 to 20 Americans when the country is...
NEW HAMPSHIRE — At his most recent rally in New Hampshire, Donald Trump dropped a bombshell that has the general public scared, confused and shocked. “Folks, it seems that creating the most violent terrorist organization in the world was not enough for Obama and Crooked Hillary, and nor is the current “reinvestigation” by the FBI into Clinton’s emails. No, something far...
IRAQ — In the most egregious case of laughably misplaced credit since Kylie Jenner claimed to have invented wigs, Donald Trump, as everyone now knows, has called President Obama and Hillary Clinton the “founder and co-founder” of the Islamic State. Unsurprisingly, ISIS was appalled at this assertion. “Ugh, I knew this would happen. Fucking knew it!” said ISIS leader Abu-Bakr...
JERUSALEM – With two weeks left until the new president of the United States is elected, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) is already formulating a strategy of containment for the off chance that Donald Trump wins. “Everyone thought we had it bad over the last eight years with a communist Muslim in the White House. Although, in retrospect, he actually...
