US
European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling
As cities go on lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic, jihadists are increasingly finding themselves out of human targets, and therefore out of jobs. The European Union released a statement about the financial distress that Covid19 is causing terrorists from ISIS to Al Qaeda and Hezbollah: “The European Union is concerned by the shutting down of entire cities, and indeed countries, causing militant Islamists a devastating loss of livelihood. Terrorism as a profession is met with severe discrimination on the...
To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning
MANHATTAN — The Mideast Beast’s North American Desk was at the Javits Center in Manhattan on Tuesday covering the latest on the coronavirus. In an effort to stop its spread, New York’s Governor Andrew M. Cuomo called for the harshest measures yet to combat the infectious disease. Cuomo was adamant that the city’s residents must stay indoors, noting, “We need New Yorkers to sit tight for now, in their shitty, overpriced, moldy, windowless apartments and drink their lead poisoned water”....
‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says
Former ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett was attacked early Monday morning by a violent Coronavirus gang, the actor told Chicago police. Smollett was walking home from a nearby Subway restaurant when a group of Coronavirus germs approached him, according to his own account to police. Yelling, “This is Wuhan country!” the germs proceeded to cough in his face and wrap a noose around his neck. Smollett managed to fight them off without dropping his Subway sandwich, which he then ate. “Everyone...
Bloomberg: How Does One Billion Chinese Compare to Losing Billions of My Dollars?
Michael Bloomberg did very poorly on Super Tuesday and the billionaire is now assessing whether to continue his campaign. There are speculations that Bloomberg’s alternative way of defining democracy might have had something to do with it. The Mideast Beast asked Bloomberg whether his recent refusal to call China’s Communist leader Xi Jinping a dictator might have backfired. “Well, I said that whether Xi Jinping is a dictator depends on how you define dictator and democracy. Personally, I don’t think...
Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate
In a move aimed at highlighting their party’s diversity, the Democratic Party announced that Palestinian-American rapper DJ Khaled will take the debate stage alongside the party’s six leading white candidates. The decision came amid concern among Democratic leaders that all candidates to qualify for the debate would be white following Senator Kamala Harris’s withdrawal from the race. “We are the party of diversity, so it’s not the best look when our top six candidates are 5 and 1023/1024 Caucasian,” Democratic...
Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor
Acknowledging that his cabinet has lacked an element of righteous fury since John Bolton’s departure, US President Donald Trump has appointed 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg to serve as National Security Advisor. “I heard her give a speech at the UN, and God was she angry,” Trump explained as he announced the appointment. “I’m not sure what she was saying – something about a ‘climbing range’ or ‘pilot mange,’ I wasn’t really listening – but I wouldn’t want to...
Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special
Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. Shortly after the accusation was published in The New York Times, several Democratic presidential candidates released statements calling for Kavanaugh’s impeachment and arrest. “Brett Kavanaugh’s...
ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels
Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing them with fruity vapes. In this new operation, code named, Jihadist Ultimate Undoing of Lungs (JUUL), the insurgency group will be able...
US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay
Saying that the threat of additional terrorist attacks justified extraordinary measures, the US has begun holding suspected white supremacists on the island of Gringotanamo Bay off the coast of Cuba. American officials made the decision after a pair of shootings in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas – one of which was believed to be carried out by white supremacists – killed 29 Americans. Almost immediately, white men affiliated with radical groups were rounded up and shipped to the island,...
Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country
Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do with a job. “I just think Israel should end the occupation, because like, we’re all people, so why should the...
British Protests, Violence Mark 243 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans celebrate the 243rd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed...
Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist
After dominating the sneaker business for decades, athletic apparel firm Nike announced that it will stop making footwear after spokesman and former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick insisted that shoes are a symbol of racism and slavery. Nike had just announced the launch of its latest basketball shoe, which it planned to sell for $199 a pair, when Kaepernick insisted in a series of tweets that shoes are “a tool of oppression and white supremacy.” “I heard that, like, slave owners...
Alabama Court Finds Woman Guilty of “Unlawfully Imprisoning” Unborn Child Inside Womb
In a stunning ruling this week, an Alabama court has decided to make two simultaneous statements, one about the rights of fetuses as they relate to the rights of the women carrying them, and the other about the rights of States as they relate to common sense, the equality of women, and the general progress of civilization. The lawsuit was brought against Alabama native Jessica Stevens, 28, and was orchestrated by the ultra-conservative group, Born Americans for Unborn Patriots. The...
Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’
Claiming that existing language did not go far enough to protect victims of racism and Islamophobia, House Democrats have passed a bill redefining the term “hate crime” to include “any criticism of, or disagreement with, Representative Ilhan Omar.” The bill comes after Omar’s description of the September 11 attacks as “some people did something” sparked outrage and led to criticism that she showed a lack of sensitivity towards victims of the attacks. Her defenders, however, said these criticisms led to...
Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty
Explaining that anyone who writes a bestselling book can be a millionaire, Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has announced a plan to end world poverty by ensuring all earth’s citizens have the chance to write a bestseller. “Frankly, capitalism has failed because the millionaires and billionaires won’t let everyone write a bestseller,” Sanders explained. “When I am president, we will allow everybody to write a bestselling book and become a millionaire, just like me.” Sanders’ plan would airdrop nearly two...
SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
The elite operators of SEAL Team Six have reportedly been deployed to the downtown Washington area in an attempt to track down an individual holed up in a confined space and raging against the injustices of the Western world. The special forces unit best known for bringing bin Laden to justice were apparently brought in as one of the final acts of outgoing Secretary of Defense, General Mattis. A spokesperson for the unit commented, “When ‘Mad Dog’ calls, we answer....
All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed
In a further bid to control gun violence in America, all Jewish retirees are now to be armed and given full close quarter battle training by SWAT teams. An NRA spokesperson commented, “We fully support the President’s comments that things could have turned out differently if the worshippers had been packing heat. It’s clear that 97-year-old Rose Mallinger could have stood a much better chance if she’d had the ability to shoot back. Probably not a 9mm pistol as the recoil might...
ISIS to Teach Antifa Civil Governance
After drawing intense criticism for blocking traffic in Portland, Oregon and attacking an elderly man, the left-wing Antifa organization has agreed to attend training sessions on civil governance led by the Islamist militant group ISIS. “While mercilessly attacking your critics, inflicting random acts of violence and terrorizing innocent civilians is a great start, it is not a long-term strategy,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained. “Eventually, the population will turn against you and team up with the Turks and Kurdish...
Amid Kavanaugh Hearings, Trump Suggests Appointing Darth Vader
After more women have come forth with allegations of sexual assault and misconduct against Brett Kavanaugh, Trump has doubled down, defending him. On Wednesday, he issued this statement to a baffled room full of reporters. “Sure, maybe he did some bad stuff, in the past, you know? Democrats are ridiculous. I could nominate somebody like Anakin Skywalker and they still wouldn’t vote for him. Anakin? Did he do bad things? I feel like he did some bad things?” This has...
Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line
In a remarkable display of diplomatic maneuvering, US President Donald Trump put his ‘America First’ agenda to the test by cutting to the front of the UN cafeteria line. Speaking to reporters afterwards he commented, “You know when I saw the lunch line, it was really long. I mean really long, believe me. Obama once stood here behind Angela Merkel, showing how weak and powerless he was. And people tell me he just ordered a salad. But I’m the leader...