US

Biden Promises to Leave Afghanistan by September 11, 3001
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Biden Promises to Leave Afghanistan by September 11, 3001

Upholding a campaign promise to end a war that has already lasted nearly two decades, President Joe Biden announced that he will pull all US troops from Afghanistan by September 11, 3001. Biden said he chose the date because it will mark the millennial anniversary of al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. “There are some people...

Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure
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Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden has begun building bipartisan support for his infrastructure plan after the administration clarified to Republicans that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” is included in his expansive definition of infrastructure. Republicans initially vowed to oppose the more than $2 trillion proposal, arguing that it included mostly non-infrastructure spending. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s reinforced this perception when she...

Statue of Liberty Accuses Cuomo of Climbing Under Her Robe
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Statue of Liberty Accuses Cuomo of Climbing Under Her Robe

Yet another woman has accused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo of inappropriate behavior, with 134-year-old Lady Liberty now saying that the embattled pol snuck under her robe and climbed up her leg during a 2018 trip to Liberty Island. Calling the governor a “manipulative predator,” the 151-foot statue of the Roman goddess Libertas said the incident took place after the...

Cuomo Orders COVID-Positive Patients be Shipped to Homes of his Accusers
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Cuomo Orders COVID-Positive Patients be Shipped to Homes of his Accusers

In an effort to crush two ongoing scandals, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has ordered that nursing homes transfer residents who test positive for coronavirus to the home of one of the women accusing Cuomo of sexual harassment. Cuomo has been under fire over accusations that his administration hid the death toll from COVID-19 at New York nursing homes to...

US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them
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US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them

The United States has long been known for its hardline stance on not (often) negotiating with terrorists. Or, at least it was, until recently when the US Senate adopted the McConnell Doctrine of overtly negotiating with terrorists if they look like you. After the US Capitol Building was attacked just two months ago by an armed mob swearing to overthrow...

Deceased Americans Should Be Buried with Face Masks, Fauci Says
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Deceased Americans Should Be Buried with Face Masks, Fauci Says

Warning that Americans should not stop taking COVID-19 seriously just because there is a vaccine or because they are dead, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned that people will likely have to wear masks for centuries into the future, even after they die and are buried. “I know some folks are ready to go back to regular life, but I don’t want...

Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue
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Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue

Donald Trump’s actions on January 6 were not much worse than former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s two decades prior, several leading Republicans said after voting to acquit the former president. “Democrats are saying that it’s such a terrible thing to attack the US Capitol that we have to impeach President Trump for it,” Senator Josh Hawley, a Missouri...

Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win
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Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win

Chanting “Stop the Steal,” Kansas City Chiefs fans invaded the NFL headquarters in New York late Sunday night demanding commissioner Roger Goodell name the Chiefs the winners of Super Bowl LV. What started as a protest against the official results of the championship game turned violent after Chiefs fans overran security and forced their way into NFL offices, stealing podiums...

Ted Cruz Shot at Me in Bosnia, Clinton Says
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Ted Cruz Shot at Me in Bosnia, Clinton Says

Former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has revealed the identity of the sniper who tried to assassinate her during a 1996 trip to Bosnia: Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “I remember landing under sniper fire from Senator Cruz,” Clinton recalled. “We were supposed to have a greeting ceremony, but when I saw Ted in his sniper’s nest some...

Ted Cruz Tried to Shoot Me with Space Lasers, AOC Reveals
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Ted Cruz Tried to Shoot Me with Space Lasers, AOC Reveals

Senator Ted Cruz’s attempt to murder Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez did not end with the Capitol riot, the congresswoman revealed. The Texas Republican also tried to shoot her down with a giant space laser, Ocasio-Cortez said in an emotional speech on the House floor. “I was walking down the street in the rain the other day when I saw what at...

Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ilhan Omar Launch Bipartisan House Anti-Semite Caucus
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Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ilhan Omar Launch Bipartisan House Anti-Semite Caucus

Looking to prove that Democrats and Republicans can find common ground despite deep polarization, Democratic Congresswoman Ilham Omar and freshmen Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene have formed a House Caucus to advance Anti-Semitic Stereotypes. The move was heralded as a triumph of bipartisanship, as the two lawmakers will work together to promote a range of conspiracies about Jewish Americans. RELATED:...

Q Oversleeps on Inauguration Day, Forgets to Break Up Satanist Pedophile Ring
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Q Oversleeps on Inauguration Day, Forgets to Break Up Satanist Pedophile Ring

The high-ranking military officer known as “Q” now says he will try to break up the criminal child-eating global sex-trafficking ring controlling Washington DC in Trump’s second term, after he slept through his alarm Wednesday and was unable launch a climactic war against the cabal before Joe Biden took office. Q has long promised a day of reckoning called “The...

Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters
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Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters

Actor Jussie Smollett has once again been attacked, this time by angry supporters of newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden. Smollett said he was walking back to his hotel in Oklahoma City Wednesday afternoon when a group of men in pink pussy hats approached him. Shouting, “This is Biden country,” the men spilled their soy chai lattes on the actor and stole...