After eight years languishing in the number two spot, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad proudly reclaimed the title of “world’s worst leader” on New Year’s Day when New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio officially left office. Assad had held the title from 2011 to 2014 after launching a relentless campaign against Syrian civilians, as his nation descended into civil war....
The two Nigerian men who attacked Jussie Smollett in January of 2019 claimed to be princes in their home country and promised Smollett more than $3 million if he let them beat him up, the actor now claims. Smollett said that his correspondence with the brothers began in 2018, when they e-mailed him out of the blue informing him that...
Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has voiced his enthusiasm that U.S. high schools “produce better terrorists than Syria.” Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast after having his beauty sleep once again ruined by nightly sorties of blue-starred F35s strafing Persian-affiliated yoga classes in Damascus. “The recent high school shooting in Michigan sadly proves, yet again, that U.S. high schools produce far...
A little-known Islamic State offshoot known as the “Jihad Squad” announced that it is suing several progressive members of the US Congress after learning that they are also known by the moniker. Representatives Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez were all named in the lawsuit, as the terror offshoot from Pakistan’s Baluchi region claimed that the radical Congresswomen have...
BLACK FRIDAY — ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi’s determination to score a cheap, big flat screen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Al-Qurashi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already...
Calling the outcome a “tool of white supremacy and oppression,” the American Civil Liberties Union has called for an end to verdicts of “not guilty” in criminal trials. The ACLU’s statement came following the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, who shot three men during a riot in Kenosha, Wisconsin last summer. The ACLU said that the trial had exposed a fatal...
In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, leading Democratic leaders to ponder...
Some of the most ardent fighters of what’s left of Islamic State recently faced disappointment after realizing that ‘The Squad’ was not at all what they thought it was. They have since withdrawn their request to join. “For a moment, we thought that this so-called ‘Squad’ was pretty cool”, one disappointed IS member noted, while sitting somberly on the last remaining...
Days after Big Bird, Elmo, and several other Muppets announced that they had received the Covid-19 vaccine, Oscar the Grouch has revealed that he is unvaccinated and has started taking the anti-parasite drug Ivermectin to battle the coronavirus. After Big Bird appeared on a CNN’s town hall and discussed receiving the vaccine, Oscar joined podcaster Joe Rogan to talk about...
The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy...
With Republican businessman Glenn Youngkin’s victory in the state’s gubernatorial election Tuesday night, Virginia schools have been ordered to begin teaching students “Critical Trump Theory,” a controversial doctrine that views all events through the lens of how unfair they are to former President Donald Trump. Minutes after he was declared the winner, Youngkin ordered school boards across the state to...
Lamenting that there is no place in the US Congress for moderates, Democratic Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have left the country to join the Syrian civil war on behalf of the moderate anti-Assad resistance. Sinema and Manchin, who had grown tired of constant pressure from the progressive wing of the Democratic Party, departed for Damascus early Sunday morning...
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Although Joe Biden and Dr. Jill Biden announced last week that they would be cancelling the annual Halloween trick-or-treat event at the White House this year, a lone trick-or-treater did show up at the White House door yesterday on All Hallows’ Eve. The unexpected guest wore a veiled black hood and carried a realistic looking sickle as...
Justice Department officials are touting an early victory in the new War on Terror after a drone strike in Loudoun County, Virginia took out the chairwoman of a prominent parent activist group. The terrorist, Karen White, was believed to be the leader of a local terror cell that opposed mask mandates and carried out a number of brazen attacks. Last...
Disgraced Instagram influencer and suspect murderer Brian Laundrie has re-emerged after a month in hiding and is now working as a visa processor at Saudi Arabia’s consulate in Miami. Laundrie, who is suspected of killing girlfriend Gabby Petito during a cross-country trip this summer, was believed to have either fled or to be in hiding. But it turns out Laundrie...
Left-wing protestors who angrily followed Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema into a restroom over her opposition to a $3.5 trillion spending bill have an unexpected ally: former President Donald Trump. “Of course it’s fine to follow women in the bathroom against their will,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “How else are you supposed to grab them by the pussy?” Trump also...
Suspected murderer Brian Laundrie was killed Thursday night by US special forces while hiding out at his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, President Biden announced in a special address to the nation. Laundrie, who was believed to be behind the death of girlfriend Gabby Petito, had somehow managed to slip past American troops in Florida and make his way through the...
Calling the Iron Dome missile defense system an environmental nightmare, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is now recommending the US instead fund the carbon-neutral “recycled Bamboo Dome.” Her suggestion came in a long Instagram post defending her “present” vote on funding the Iron Dome. “A lot of people are like, ‘well you voted against building a dome over Israel to stop the...
As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic (Delta-version), the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.” Experts...
PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse (painted in gold color of course) to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden and Congressional leaders, who arrived...
