US
Putin Admits He Wrote Nyt Op-Ed
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been revealed as the anonymous senior official who authored a controversial New York Times op-ed saying he is working to thwart parts of President Trump’s agenda. “I do not regret my decision to install Trump as a puppet leader and I appreciate many parts of his divisive agenda,” Putin told The Mideast Beast in revealing himself as the author. “However, I do not want my legacy tarnished through my association with some of his less...
President Obama Voted Best Neocon President
Former U.S. President Obama has been bestowed the prestigious “Iron Fist of Unconditionally Delivered Freedom” award by Bill Kristol who tearfully acknowledged the President’s commitment to the neoconservative philosophy. Wiping tears from his eyes, Kristol explained, “Everybody knows I first opposed President Obama, but over time, I saw his dedication to the neoconservative philosophy. His push for global free-market trade was inspiring, as was his devotion to toppling the recalcitrant Gaddafi in Libya, another, great Iraq-like success. And let’s not forget...
White House Flag Bearer Hospitalized with Severe Rope Burn
The White House official tasked with raising and lowering the US flag following the death of US Senator John McCain has been sent to the hospital with severe rope burn. The flag bearer’s injury came after President Trump repeatedly wavered on whether the flag should remain lowered after McCain’s death, causing the unfortunate official to have to repeatedly go onto the roof and adjust the banner. “When he arrived at the hospital, he had severe lacerations covering both palms,” one...
Trump Apologizes to Animals for Omarosa Comparison
Speaking to the press, President Donald Trump, who is not known for apologizing, apologized. “Last week I compared Omarosa to an animal. That was harsh, and I should not have done that.” “There are a great many animals to which I could’ve compared her to, like the chimpanzee, but that would have been very harsh. That would’ve been very unfair to the chimpanzee.” “And let me just say, nobody knows animals like Donald Trump. Animals love Donald Trump. I have...
DC ‘Unite the Right’ Rally Overshadowed by Larger Pro-ISIS Vegan Furry Protest
White supremacists who trekked to Washington DC for their annual ‘Unite the Right’ rally are complaining that their massive gathering was overshadowed by an even larger group of pro-ISIS vegan furries rallying for tax-exempt ethanol subsidies. “Supporters from across the nation joined us to secure the existence of our people and a future for our white children, but those damn jihadi furries had to pick the same day for their rally,” Richard Spencer, director of the white supremacist National Policy...
Omarosa Claims She Saw Trump Praying Five Times a Day, Taking Flight Lessons
In the latest bombshell from her recently published book, former White House aide and reality TV star Omarosa Manigault claims that she witnessed President Donald Trump praying towards Mecca five times a day and sneaking out of the White House to take flying lessons. Omarosa’s claim is her most startling to date, following allegations that the president used racial slurs and was seen eating a piece of paper given to him by former lawyer Michael Cohen. “He would wake up at...
Alex Jones Delivers Rational and Thoughtful Response to Internet Ban
In a surprising turn of events, internet talk show host Alex Jones has released a thoughtful and eloquent response to the broad social media Info Wars ban. In a video posted to his website early this morning, Mr. Jones calmly and clearly explained his thoughts on being banned from Apple, YouTube, and Facebook. “In hindsight, I realize that claiming that the US Government’s secret ‘gay bomb’ was leaking and turning the fish gay, without providing real concrete evidence may have undermined...
Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison
Hell, Near Tampa Florida – From the fiery depths of the underworld, the worst person in history sits steaming in his less-than-kampfy chair. But Adolf isn’t boiling as a result of his eternal punishment; rather he’s furious at being compared with the mango-Mussolini, the Cheeto-in-Chief, the President of the United States of America. “NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! How dare they compare me to zis nincompoop! Das Donald is an amateur compared to me! He can’t even properly deport illegals like I could. He’s...
Eric Trump Detained by ICE
It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and his family kinda of just handed him over to the agents. It reminded me of when you see people abandoning...
Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’
The Gaza-based Palestinian Islamist group Hamas chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message comes more than two months after an outbreak of violence led to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants we normally only see when Ahmed’s chugging the fermented goat’s milk.” “Listen, we love hearing people rip on those Jews...
Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country
Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do with a job. “I just think Israel should end the occupation, because like, we’re all people, so why should the...
ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement
In the wake of pop star Justin Bieber’s engagement to model Hailey Baldwin, ISIS has issued a fatwa calling for the death of the latter on the grounds that she is seeking to “steal and pervert a national treasure of the Islamic State.” “We’re not only believers in our cause for Jihad, but are, above all, beliebers”, the heartbroken Islamic terror group said in its statement. “Now this Western temptress wants to take the Bieb away from us and we...
British Protests, Violence Mark 242 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans celebrate the 242nd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...
Space Force Set to Launch ‘All Those Little Brown Aliens’ into Space
After nearly two weeks, the United States Space Force has received its first mission; do something with all of the children being held by the government at the border. Today, President Donald Trump announced that he had directed his top Space Force generals, who were among the first to enlist a few days ago, to “take all those little brown kids, strap them to the inside of a rocket, and launch them deep into the furthest reaches of space.” “The...
Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service
Democrats retook control of all three branches of the US government over the weekend, as nearly all Republican leaders including President Trump were denied service at a number of local restaurants, and starved. The effort was spurred by the owner of a Virginia Red Hen restaurant, who turned away Trump’s press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Once enough progressive restaurant owners joined the movement, it became impossible for anyone in Trump’s cabinet to find a restaurant to serve them, resulting ultimately...
Jeff Sessions on Border “Concentration” Camps: “More Like a Dog Pound for Kids.”
The Trump administration is under fire again, regarding the conditions of migrant children being held in camps along the border. Amnesty International and the UN have already condemned the United States; however , the UN has not yet found a way to blame the camps on Israel, but they have a commission tirelessly at work. Many have decried the practice of separating young children from their parents indefinitely until the time of trial. For many, this is reminiscent of Nazi...
Southern Poverty Law Center Lists SPLC as ‘Anti-Muslim Hate Group’
Blasting the group as a “bunch of Islamophobic bigots,” the Southern Poverty Law Center has officially classified itself as an anti-Muslim extremist group. “The Southern Poverty Law Center targets Muslims like Maajid Nawaz – who are most certainly not anti-Muslim extremists– simply for their faith,” SPLC President Richard Cohen said in a recorded statement on Monday. “These folks are using their white privilege to attack innocent Muslims.” Earlier in the day, SPLC apologized for listing Nawaz in a directory of anti-Muslim...
Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’
Speaking at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum, President Trump declared Tuesday that victims of the genocide “would be very happy and proud at how well our country is doing.” “Anne Frank, you like her, right? Let me tell you, she would be so happy that I finally got the NFL to make those bums stand for our national anthem. Nice!” Trump declared, as other attendees looked on in stunned silence. “And you think she would have voted for Crooked Hillary?...
Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding
With the Baltimore area devastated by heavy flooding, DC Councilman Trayon White has called for negotiations with the Jews who control the weather. “It is time for us to put aside our hostility for the Rothschildren (sic) and other Jewish bankers and ask them what we must do to get this rain to end,” White, who made headlines for saying that the Jewish family controls the climate, explained. “The Jews gave us this weather, and only the Jews can take...
Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign
The tragic high school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas has pushed the NRA to its emotional brink. The rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness apparently do not apply to the nearly 50 million students in American public schools, but the obscure and outdated second amendment right remains unscathed. “It’s time something is done. Our years of thoughts and prayers have proven to be mere wastes of time, as they have not been coupled with action,” spokesperson Dana...