US

With de Blasio Gone, Assad Excited to Once Again be World’s Worst Leader
,

With de Blasio Gone, Assad Excited to Once Again be World’s Worst Leader

After eight years languishing in the number two spot, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad proudly reclaimed the title of “world’s worst leader” on New Year’s Day when New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio officially left office. Assad had held the title from 2011 to 2014 after launching a relentless campaign against Syrian civilians, as his nation descended into civil war....

Assad Convinced U.S. High Schools Produce Better Terrorists Than Syria
,

Assad Convinced U.S. High Schools Produce Better Terrorists Than Syria

Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has voiced his enthusiasm that U.S. high schools “produce better terrorists than Syria.” Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast after having his beauty sleep once again ruined by nightly sorties of blue-starred F35s strafing Persian-affiliated yoga classes in Damascus. “The recent high school shooting in Michigan sadly proves, yet again, that U.S. high schools produce far...

ISIS Offshoot ‘Jihad Squad’ Sues Congresswomen Over Copyright Infringement
,

ISIS Offshoot ‘Jihad Squad’ Sues Congresswomen Over Copyright Infringement

A little-known Islamic State offshoot known as the “Jihad Squad” announced that it is suing several progressive members of the US Congress after learning that they are also known by the moniker. Representatives Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez were all named in the lawsuit, as the terror offshoot from Pakistan’s Baluchi region claimed that the radical Congresswomen have...

ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
,

ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

BLACK FRIDAY — ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi’s determination to score a cheap, big flat screen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Al-Qurashi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already...

ACLU Calls for End to ‘Not Guilty’ Verdicts
,

ACLU Calls for End to ‘Not Guilty’ Verdicts

Calling the outcome a “tool of white supremacy and oppression,” the American Civil Liberties Union has called for an end to verdicts of “not guilty” in criminal trials. The ACLU’s statement came following the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, who shot three men during a riot in Kenosha, Wisconsin last summer. The ACLU said that the trial had exposed a fatal...

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024
,

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024

In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, leading Democratic leaders to ponder...

Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’
,

Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’

Some of the most ardent fighters of what’s left of Islamic State recently faced disappointment after realizing that ‘The Squad’ was not at all what they thought it was. They have since withdrawn their request to join. “For a moment, we thought that this so-called ‘Squad’ was pretty cool”, one disappointed IS member noted, while sitting somberly on the last remaining...

Oscar the Grouch Announces he is Taking Ivermectin
,

Oscar the Grouch Announces he is Taking Ivermectin

Days after Big Bird, Elmo, and several other Muppets announced that they had received the Covid-19 vaccine, Oscar the Grouch has revealed that he is unvaccinated and has started taking the anti-parasite drug Ivermectin to battle the coronavirus. After Big Bird appeared on a CNN’s town hall and discussed receiving the vaccine, Oscar joined podcaster Joe Rogan to talk about...

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields
, ,

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy...

Virginia Schools to Begin Teaching ‘Critical Trump Theory’
,

Virginia Schools to Begin Teaching ‘Critical Trump Theory’

With Republican businessman Glenn Youngkin’s victory in the state’s gubernatorial election Tuesday night, Virginia schools have been ordered to begin teaching students “Critical Trump Theory,” a controversial doctrine that views all events through the lens of how unfair they are to former President Donald Trump. Minutes after he was declared the winner, Youngkin ordered school boards across the state to...

Manchin, Sinema Leave Congress to Join Moderate Syrian Rebels

Manchin, Sinema Leave Congress to Join Moderate Syrian Rebels

Lamenting that there is no place in the US Congress for moderates, Democratic Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have left the country to join the Syrian civil war on behalf of the moderate anti-Assad resistance. Sinema and Manchin, who had grown tired of constant pressure from the progressive wing of the Democratic Party, departed for Damascus early Sunday morning...

Lone Trick-Or-Treater Shows Up at White House

Lone Trick-Or-Treater Shows Up at White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Although Joe Biden and Dr. Jill Biden announced last week that they would be cancelling the annual Halloween trick-or-treat event at the White House this year, a lone trick-or-treater did show up at the White House door yesterday on All Hallows’ Eve. The unexpected guest wore a veiled black hood and carried a realistic looking sickle as...

Drone Strike at School Board Takes Out High-Ranking Concerned Parent

Drone Strike at School Board Takes Out High-Ranking Concerned Parent

Justice Department officials are touting an early victory in the new War on Terror after a drone strike in Loudoun County, Virginia took out the chairwoman of a prominent parent activist group. The terrorist, Karen White, was believed to be the leader of a local terror cell that opposed mask mandates and carried out a number of brazen attacks. Last...

Brian Laundrie Lands Job at Saudi Consulate

Brian Laundrie Lands Job at Saudi Consulate

Disgraced Instagram influencer and suspect murderer Brian Laundrie has re-emerged after a month in hiding and is now working as a visa processor at Saudi Arabia’s consulate in Miami. Laundrie, who is suspected of killing girlfriend Gabby Petito during a cross-country trip this summer, was believed to have either fled or to be in hiding. But it turns out Laundrie...

Brian Laundrie Killed by US Special Forces in Pakistan

Brian Laundrie Killed by US Special Forces in Pakistan

Suspected murderer Brian Laundrie was killed Thursday night by US special forces while hiding out at his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, President Biden announced in a special address to the nation. Laundrie, who was believed to be behind the death of girlfriend Gabby Petito, had somehow managed to slip past American troops in Florida and make his way through the...

AOC Proposes Funding Recycled “Bamboo Dome” for Israel
,

AOC Proposes Funding Recycled “Bamboo Dome” for Israel

Calling the Iron Dome missile defense system an environmental nightmare, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is now recommending the US instead fund the carbon-neutral “recycled Bamboo Dome.” Her suggestion came in a long Instagram post defending her “present” vote on funding the Iron Dome. “A lot of people are like, ‘well you voted against building a dome over Israel to stop the...

Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble’
, ,

Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble’

As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic (Delta-version), the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.”  Experts...

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats
,

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats

PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse (painted in gold color of course) to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden and Congressional leaders, who arrived...