US

Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving
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Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving

Remarking that his favorite restaurants may be forced to close if the indigent continue to spread the coronavirus, California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an order banning poor and middle-class Californians from gathering for Thanksgiving. Newsom said that the ban was necessary to prevent these citizens from passing the coronavirus to wealthy and politically connected government leaders and lobbyists. The...

Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President
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Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President

In his latest attempt to save President Donald Trump’s re-election bid, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has officially converted to Islam, named himself a mufti, and issued a fatwa declaring Trump the winner of the November 3 presidential election. The move is the latest attempt to reverse the election results by Trump’s legal team, which has come up...

Biden Vows to Continue Trump’s Fight Against Satanic Pedophile Ring
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Biden Vows to Continue Trump’s Fight Against Satanic Pedophile Ring

Promising that there would be no daylight between his administration and his predecessor’s on the issue, President-elect Joe Biden vowed that his top priority upon taking office will be breaking up the satanic pedophile ring of Democratic politicians, Hollywood actors, religious figures and government officials that has been secretly ruling the world. “We must waste no time in battling climate...

Dems Plan to Win Back Muslim Vote by Using Term ‘Muslimx’
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Dems Plan to Win Back Muslim Vote by Using Term ‘Muslimx’

With exit polls showing US President Donald Trump making gains among Muslim voters, Democratic leaders have announced plans to rename the religion ‘Islamx’ and its followers ‘Muslimx’ in an effort to be more inclusive. “It is clear that our messaging was not reaching Muslim communities as we expected, and we believe using colonialist heteronormative patriarchal terms like ‘Muslim’ and ‘Islam’...

Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies
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Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies

Conceding that former Vice President Joe Biden has won round one of the presidential election, Donald Trump said his campaign plans to take a short break before gearing up for round two of the best-of-three election series. “Biden might have just barely won the first election because of the crooked media and rigged vote counters, but with your support I...

Stacey Abrams Declares Herself President
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Stacey Abrams Declares Herself President

Calling it the honor of a lifetime, former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams is reportedly preparing to deliver her acceptance speech as the president-elect of the United States of America. “Being elected governor of Georgia was both an honor and a humbling experience, but it pales in comparison to becoming the president,” Abrams told The Mideast Beast. “The fact that...

Satire Writers Storm Pennsylvania Voting Center to Stop the Count
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Satire Writers Storm Pennsylvania Voting Center to Stop the Count

Panicked over the prospect of President Donald Trump’s exit from office, satirical writers have surrounded voting centers in the Philadelphia area to stop the counting of votes and prevent former Vice President Joe Biden from taking the lead in the crucial swing state. Chanting “Stop the count!” and “Four more years!” hundreds of writers from satirical publications across the political...

Progressives Kind of Disappointed they Don’t Get to Riot
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Progressives Kind of Disappointed they Don’t Get to Riot

Admitting that he was having some regrets about casting his vote for Joe Biden, Portland resident Adam Frederick lamented that the inconclusive election results upended his plans to spend the night looting and rioting. “Look, I guess I am glad fascism and white supremacy has not won and all, but I was really counting on getting some free stuff from...

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement
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Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast....

Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize
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Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize

After seeing his administration snubbed by the Norwegian Nobel Committee despite its role in facilitating peace deals between Israel and two Arab nations, US President Donald Trump has established the “USA More Tremendouser Nobel Committee” and awarded himself its inaugural peace prize. Trump, who had lobbied for the Nobel Committee’s honors before the World Food Program was ultimately awarded the...

Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19
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Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19

Days after testing positive for Covid-19, US President Donald Trump has reportedly asked doctors if they can remove the virus from his body using nuclear weapons. “Look doctor, I have all these nukes. Like hundreds, maybe millions of them, and I mean really powerful bombs,” Trump reportedly told his physician after testing positive for Covid-19. “If we just dropped one...

UN to Send Peacekeepers to Next Presidential Debate
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UN to Send Peacekeepers to Next Presidential Debate

In an effort to prevent violence and maintain order, the United Nations announced that it will send 5,000 armed Peacekeepers to Miami for the October 15 presidential debate. Peacekeepers will join the candidates, President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, on stage to make sure bloodshed does not break out during the 90-minute debate. The soldiers have been...

Trump Nominates Coney Barrett to Supreme Court
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Trump Nominates Coney Barrett to Supreme Court

US President Donald Trump has nominated Amy Coney Barrett, a circuit judge for the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals, to the Supreme Court of the United States. Trump announced the nomination Saturday evening at a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. “She is a woman of unparalleled achievement, towering intellect, sterling credentials, and unyielding loyalty to the Constitution,” Trump...

Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys
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Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys

Democratic congresswomen Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib have begrudgingly come out in support of the far-right anti-government “Boogaloo Boys” movement after members of the group were arrested for providing material support for Hamas. Omar and Tlaib, sporting Hawaiian shirts and camouflage pants, announced their backing of the group in a press conference Tuesday. “We aren’t fans of their white supremacy...

Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’
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Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’

*Reposted as a timely #ThrowBack article (originally posted in 2016)*   Washington, D.C. — He says he would have prevented the 9/11 attacks, he’s criticized Senator John McCain for being captured during the Vietnam War, and presidential republican nominee Donald Trump shows no signs of backing down, as Trump yesterday blasted all Iraq war veterans as “a bunch of pussies...

Portland to Set Controlled Burns of Homes, Businesses to Stop Antifa
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Portland to Set Controlled Burns of Homes, Businesses to Stop Antifa

Looking to limit devastation caused by Antifa and other vandals and arsonists, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler announced that the city will resume controlled burns of properties in the downtown business district. Since the beginning of riot season, the abundance of flammable material such as cars, homes, and shops has contributed to out-of-control arson and vandalism throughout the city. Portland officials...

ISIS Storms US Restaurants Demanding Diners Say “Death to America”
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ISIS Storms US Restaurants Demanding Diners Say “Death to America”

Though ISIS has never been linked to a violent attack in the United States, “mostly peaceful” ISIS affiliates have begun demonstrating in cities across the US, including Seattle and Portland, where law enforcement officials have agreed to stand down.  Their demands are clear and their strategy effective.  Masked protestors dressed in black have been rushing into restaurants en masse to...