US

Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble’
, , ,

Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble’

As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic (Delta-version), the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.”  Experts...

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats
,

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats

PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse (painted in gold color of course) to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden and Congressional leaders, who arrived...

Biden Invites UN Experts to Assess American Falafel
, ,

Biden Invites UN Experts to Assess American Falafel

In yet another controversial move that critics say undermines the country’s sovereignty, US President Joe Biden, for a second time this week, has invited the United Nations to bring experts into the country to assess “falafel injustice.” Despite objections from Republicans, UN culinary expects will visit the country to examine the quality of America’s chickpea-based offerings and to ensure that...

British Protests, Violence Mark 245 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
, , ,

British Protests, Violence Mark 245 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans put social distancing – and severe political polarization – on hold to celebrate the 245th anniversary of its independence with barbeques at Delta-ridden gatherings, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...

Cuomo Receives $5 Million Advance for Book on Dating Younger Coworkers
, ,

Cuomo Receives $5 Million Advance for Book on Dating Younger Coworkers

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has inked yet another major book deal, this one for an upcoming title called ‘Lessons in Courtship: How to Find Love in the Intern Lounge at the Governor’s Mansion.’ The book will recount Cuomo’s great success in charming his staffers and winning their romantic affections without creating a hostile workplace. “For those looking to run...

US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is
, ,

US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is

JERUSALEM — Officials in Jerusalem say the city is in the midst of an existential crisis. Not because of former US President Trump’s decision to move the US embassy, or the recent violent clashes in the Old City over the weekend, or the crazy foreigners who dress like Jesus and roam the streets. Rather, they found out that it will...

American Podcaster Jailed After Saying AOC was “Not his Favorite”
, ,

American Podcaster Jailed After Saying AOC was “Not his Favorite”

A well-known podcaster has been arrested after allegedly threatening the controversial U.S. congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) on Twitter. Two hours after tweeting that AOC was “not his favorite person” due to her comments (and comparisons) on the Israel-Palestine conflict, podcaster Jacob Barns was arrested by plainclothes agents working for the Bureau for the Investigation of Trash-Talking, Curse Words and...

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’
, ,

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’

Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast....

Biden Promises to Leave Afghanistan by September 11, 3001
, ,

Biden Promises to Leave Afghanistan by September 11, 3001

Upholding a campaign promise to end a war that has already lasted nearly two decades, President Joe Biden announced that he will pull all US troops from Afghanistan by September 11, 3001. Biden said he chose the date because it will mark the millennial anniversary of al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. “There are some people...

Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure
, ,

Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden has begun building bipartisan support for his infrastructure plan after the administration clarified to Republicans that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” is included in his expansive definition of infrastructure. Republicans initially vowed to oppose the more than $2 trillion proposal, arguing that it included mostly non-infrastructure spending. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s reinforced this perception when she...

Statue of Liberty Accuses Cuomo of Climbing Under Her Robe
,

Statue of Liberty Accuses Cuomo of Climbing Under Her Robe

Yet another woman has accused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo of inappropriate behavior, with 134-year-old Lady Liberty now saying that the embattled pol snuck under her robe and climbed up her leg during a 2018 trip to Liberty Island. Calling the governor a “manipulative predator,” the 151-foot statue of the Roman goddess Libertas said the incident took place after the...

Cuomo Orders COVID-Positive Patients be Shipped to Homes of his Accusers
, ,

Cuomo Orders COVID-Positive Patients be Shipped to Homes of his Accusers

In an effort to crush two ongoing scandals, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has ordered that nursing homes transfer residents who test positive for coronavirus to the home of one of the women accusing Cuomo of sexual harassment. Cuomo has been under fire over accusations that his administration hid the death toll from COVID-19 at New York nursing homes to...

US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them
, ,

US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them

The United States has long been known for its hardline stance on not (often) negotiating with terrorists. Or, at least it was, until recently when the US Senate adopted the McConnell Doctrine of overtly negotiating with terrorists if they look like you. After the US Capitol Building was attacked just two months ago by an armed mob swearing to overthrow...

Deceased Americans Should Be Buried with Face Masks, Fauci Says
, ,

Deceased Americans Should Be Buried with Face Masks, Fauci Says

Warning that Americans should not stop taking COVID-19 seriously just because there is a vaccine or because they are dead, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned that people will likely have to wear masks for centuries into the future, even after they die and are buried. “I know some folks are ready to go back to regular life, but I don’t want...

Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue
, ,

Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue

Donald Trump’s actions on January 6 were not much worse than former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s two decades prior, several leading Republicans said after voting to acquit the former president. “Democrats are saying that it’s such a terrible thing to attack the US Capitol that we have to impeach President Trump for it,” Senator Josh Hawley, a Missouri...