US
Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor
Acknowledging that his cabinet has lacked an element of righteous fury since John Bolton’s departure, US President Donald Trump has appointed 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg to serve as National Security Advisor. “I heard her give a speech at the UN, and God was she angry,” Trump explained as he announced the appointment. “I’m not sure what she was saying – something about a ‘climbing range’ or ‘pilot mange,’ I wasn’t really listening – but I wouldn’t want to...
Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special
Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. Shortly after the accusation was published in The New York Times, several Democratic presidential candidates released statements calling for Kavanaugh’s impeachment and arrest. “Brett Kavanaugh’s...
ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels
Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing them with fruity vapes. In this new operation, code named, Jihadist Ultimate Undoing of Lungs (JUUL), the insurgency group will be able...
US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay
Saying that the threat of additional terrorist attacks justified extraordinary measures, the US has begun holding suspected white supremacists on the island of Gringotanamo Bay off the coast of Cuba. American officials made the decision after a pair of shootings in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas – one of which was believed to be carried out by white supremacists – killed 29 Americans. Almost immediately, white men affiliated with radical groups were rounded up and shipped to the island,...
Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country
Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do with a job. “I just think Israel should end the occupation, because like, we’re all people, so why should the...
British Protests, Violence Mark 243 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans celebrate the 243rd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed...
Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist
After dominating the sneaker business for decades, athletic apparel firm Nike announced that it will stop making footwear after spokesman and former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick insisted that shoes are a symbol of racism and slavery. Nike had just announced the launch of its latest basketball shoe, which it planned to sell for $199 a pair, when Kaepernick insisted in a series of tweets that shoes are “a tool of oppression and white supremacy.” “I heard that, like, slave owners...
Alabama Court Finds Woman Guilty of “Unlawfully Imprisoning” Unborn Child Inside Womb
In a stunning ruling this week, an Alabama court has decided to make two simultaneous statements, one about the rights of fetuses as they relate to the rights of the women carrying them, and the other about the rights of States as they relate to common sense, the equality of women, and the general progress of civilization. The lawsuit was brought against Alabama native Jessica Stevens, 28, and was orchestrated by the ultra-conservative group, Born Americans for Unborn Patriots. The...
Dems to Redefine Hate Crime as ‘Disagreeing with Ilhan Omar About Anything’
Claiming that existing language did not go far enough to protect victims of racism and Islamophobia, House Democrats have passed a bill redefining the term “hate crime” to include “any criticism of, or disagreement with, Representative Ilhan Omar.” The bill comes after Omar’s description of the September 11 attacks as “some people did something” sparked outrage and led to criticism that she showed a lack of sensitivity towards victims of the attacks. Her defenders, however, said these criticisms led to...
Sanders Announces ‘Operation Write a Bestseller’ Plan to End Global Poverty
Explaining that anyone who writes a bestselling book can be a millionaire, Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has announced a plan to end world poverty by ensuring all earth’s citizens have the chance to write a bestseller. “Frankly, capitalism has failed because the millionaires and billionaires won’t let everyone write a bestseller,” Sanders explained. “When I am president, we will allow everybody to write a bestselling book and become a millionaire, just like me.” Sanders’ plan would airdrop nearly two...
SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
The elite operators of SEAL Team Six have reportedly been deployed to the downtown Washington area in an attempt to track down an individual holed up in a confined space and raging against the injustices of the Western world. The special forces unit best known for bringing bin Laden to justice were apparently brought in as one of the final acts of outgoing Secretary of Defense, General Mattis. A spokesperson for the unit commented, “When ‘Mad Dog’ calls, we answer....
All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed
In a further bid to control gun violence in America, all Jewish retirees are now to be armed and given full close quarter battle training by SWAT teams. An NRA spokesperson commented, “We fully support the President’s comments that things could have turned out differently if the worshippers had been packing heat. It’s clear that 97-year-old Rose Mallinger could have stood a much better chance if she’d had the ability to shoot back. Probably not a 9mm pistol as the recoil might...
ISIS to Teach Antifa Civil Governance
After drawing intense criticism for blocking traffic in Portland, Oregon and attacking an elderly man, the left-wing Antifa organization has agreed to attend training sessions on civil governance led by the Islamist militant group ISIS. “While mercilessly attacking your critics, inflicting random acts of violence and terrorizing innocent civilians is a great start, it is not a long-term strategy,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained. “Eventually, the population will turn against you and team up with the Turks and Kurdish...
Amid Kavanaugh Hearings, Trump Suggests Appointing Darth Vader
After more women have come forth with allegations of sexual assault and misconduct against Brett Kavanaugh, Trump has doubled down, defending him. On Wednesday, he issued this statement to a baffled room full of reporters. “Sure, maybe he did some bad stuff, in the past, you know? Democrats are ridiculous. I could nominate somebody like Anakin Skywalker and they still wouldn’t vote for him. Anakin? Did he do bad things? I feel like he did some bad things?” This has...
Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line
In a remarkable display of diplomatic maneuvering, US President Donald Trump put his ‘America First’ agenda to the test by cutting to the front of the UN cafeteria line. Speaking to reporters afterwards he commented, “You know when I saw the lunch line, it was really long. I mean really long, believe me. Obama once stood here behind Angela Merkel, showing how weak and powerless he was. And people tell me he just ordered a salad. But I’m the leader...
Putin Admits He Wrote Nyt Op-Ed
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been revealed as the anonymous senior official who authored a controversial New York Times op-ed saying he is working to thwart parts of President Trump’s agenda. “I do not regret my decision to install Trump as a puppet leader and I appreciate many parts of his divisive agenda,” Putin told The Mideast Beast in revealing himself as the author. “However, I do not want my legacy tarnished through my association with some of his less...
President Obama Voted Best Neocon President
Former U.S. President Obama has been bestowed the prestigious “Iron Fist of Unconditionally Delivered Freedom” award by Bill Kristol who tearfully acknowledged the President’s commitment to the neoconservative philosophy. Wiping tears from his eyes, Kristol explained, “Everybody knows I first opposed President Obama, but over time, I saw his dedication to the neoconservative philosophy. His push for global free-market trade was inspiring, as was his devotion to toppling the recalcitrant Gaddafi in Libya, another, great Iraq-like success. And let’s not forget...
White House Flag Bearer Hospitalized with Severe Rope Burn
The White House official tasked with raising and lowering the US flag following the death of US Senator John McCain has been sent to the hospital with severe rope burn. The flag bearer’s injury came after President Trump repeatedly wavered on whether the flag should remain lowered after McCain’s death, causing the unfortunate official to have to repeatedly go onto the roof and adjust the banner. “When he arrived at the hospital, he had severe lacerations covering both palms,” one...
Trump Apologizes to Animals for Omarosa Comparison
Speaking to the press, President Donald Trump, who is not known for apologizing, apologized. “Last week I compared Omarosa to an animal. That was harsh, and I should not have done that.” “There are a great many animals to which I could’ve compared her to, like the chimpanzee, but that would have been very harsh. That would’ve been very unfair to the chimpanzee.” “And let me just say, nobody knows animals like Donald Trump. Animals love Donald Trump. I have...
DC ‘Unite the Right’ Rally Overshadowed by Larger Pro-ISIS Vegan Furry Protest
White supremacists who trekked to Washington DC for their annual ‘Unite the Right’ rally are complaining that their massive gathering was overshadowed by an even larger group of pro-ISIS vegan furries rallying for tax-exempt ethanol subsidies. “Supporters from across the nation joined us to secure the existence of our people and a future for our white children, but those damn jihadi furries had to pick the same day for their rally,” Richard Spencer, director of the white supremacist National Policy...