US
Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential
At a news conference on Saturday President Donald Trump said he will do everything in his power to force governors to open tanning salons across the country. The announcement came a day after the president declared churches essential, and is the latest step in the president’s strategy of opening up businesses that his voter base frequents. “Governors need to do the right thing and allow these very important essential places to open right now, for this weekend. Nobody likes to...
AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat
On Tuesday, US Attorney General and loyal Trump affiliate, William Barr made the shocking announcement that he would not be seeking charges against the bat who allegedly spawned the virus that caused the COVID-19 pandemic. The bat, who did not respond for our request to be interviewed, has previously plead guilty to infecting multiple patients in Wuhan China, the event that most doctors agree was the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak. In spite of its confession, AG Barr insists there...
Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges
After Trump fired his Inspector General, a Health Department whistleblower, and a personal aid this month, his good friend and far more successful sociopath, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammad bin Salman (MBS), called him up to push the use of some subtlety in his power grabs. According to sources close to Trump, MBS calls every night for a quick catch-up. Usually the conversation centers around how alienating it is to be better than everyone else because of who...
Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer
In recent weeks President Donald Trump has seriously escalated his war on science, data, the medical field, and logic. The president refused to wear a face mask, suggested that humans should inject disinfectants to combat Covid-19, and self-prescribed a Malaria medication unproven to cure coronavirus symptoms while testing negative for the disease, and he drank fish tank cleaner. These actions have Americans missing simpler times. “I wish he would just go back to being anti-vaxx, that was plenty cray cray,”...
Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School
Fox commentator Tucker Carlson doubled down this week on his accusations of the Chinese government’s alleged role in releasing the coronavirus by accusing the Wuhan Institute of Virology, also known as ‘that Wuhan lab’, of bullying him in High School. According to the conservative political commentator, not only did scientists from Wuhan develop SARS-CoV-2, which causes the disease Covid-19, they also stole Carlson’s prom date during his junior year, an emasculating and brutal blow from which Carlson never fully recovered....
Vice President Mike Pence Reportedly Tested Positive for having the Spirit of the Lord
On Friday, it was confirmed that a top Pence aide had tested positive for having the spirit of the lord, Jesus Christ, inside her. While the Vice President claims to have had very little close contact with her – because she’s a female – those close to the VP have allegedly claimed that he has also tested positive for the lord’s spirit. President Trump has so far tested negative and issued an official statement on the matter earlier today. “I...
Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032
US Senator Bernie Sanders proposed a new plan to restart the US economy by September 2032. It is currently in the meltdown phase, suffering from a massive recession as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown. “Look, everyone needs a break,” shouted Sanders in a statement. “Give it 11 or 12 years. We’ll know that the pandemic is over, everyone will be well-rested, and we can start all over.” Sanders even argued that the plan could replace Universal health care, since...
Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble”
As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic, the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.” Experts say this substantially reduces one’s chances of being exposed to dangerous pathogens or ideas. Trump supporters, despite many red states beginning...
George W. Bush Reverses His Policy on “Liberation”
In a rare return to the spotlight last weekend, mediocre Texan painter George W Bush urged for unity across political parties in order to effectively combat the coronavirus. This came as a shock to many Iraqi citizens who remember Bush for his previous passion for “liberation.” Despite Bush’s global legacy focusing largely on freeing people from their oppressors whether they like it or not, he seemed suddenly less keen to support “liberation” movements when they occurred in his own country....
Trump Plans to Reopen America on April 31st
Following weeks of passionate self-sabotage by citizens across the United States, President Trump proudly announced last night that all business across the country will be free to open as of April 31st. “This is going to be really, really huge for all the people out there who were not smart enough to be born rich” said Trump. “Some so-called experts are saying “but Mr President opening on April 31st is impossible” or “April 31st is not on the Gregorian Calendar.”...
George Zimmerman Tasked with Enforcing Stay-at-Home Orders
Looking to crack down on citizens violating lockdown orders issued to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, several US states have hired community watch vigilante George Zimmerman to confront anyone seen in public for non-essential business. “To make sure people are following social distancing guidelines, we have asked Mr. Zimmerman to patrol our streets and to respectfully approach anyone seen out of their house for non-essential business,” California Governor Gavin Newsom announced earlier this week. “If anyone refuses to...
Ultra-Orthodox Jews to Hold Massive Prayer Rallies to Stop Coronavirus
Criticizing their secular counterparts for doing too little to stop the spread of COVID-19, ultra-Orthodox Jews in the US and Israel announced a series of massive prayer rallies to combat the disease. “Just when we need prayer more than ever, many of our fellow Jews have decided that now is the time to stop going to synagogue,” one resident of Bnei Brak, a center of ultra-Orthodox Judaism located just outside Tel Aviv, told The Mideast Beast. “But while they’ve been...
European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling
As cities go on lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic, jihadists are increasingly finding themselves out of human targets, and therefore out of jobs. The European Union released a statement about the financial distress that Covid19 is causing terrorists from ISIS to Al Qaeda and Hezbollah: “The European Union is concerned by the shutting down of entire cities, and indeed countries, causing militant Islamists a devastating loss of livelihood. Terrorism as a profession is met with severe discrimination on the...
To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning
MANHATTAN — The Mideast Beast’s North American Desk was at the Javits Center in Manhattan on Tuesday covering the latest on the coronavirus. In an effort to stop its spread, New York’s Governor Andrew M. Cuomo called for the harshest measures yet to combat the infectious disease. Cuomo was adamant that the city’s residents must stay indoors, noting, “We need New Yorkers to sit tight for now, in their shitty, overpriced, moldy, windowless apartments and drink their lead poisoned water”....
‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says
Former ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett was attacked early Monday morning by a violent Coronavirus gang, the actor told Chicago police. Smollett was walking home from a nearby Subway restaurant when a group of Coronavirus germs approached him, according to his own account to police. Yelling, “This is Wuhan country!” the germs proceeded to cough in his face and wrap a noose around his neck. Smollett managed to fight them off without dropping his Subway sandwich, which he then ate. “Everyone...
Bloomberg: How Does One Billion Chinese Compare to Losing Billions of My Dollars?
Michael Bloomberg did very poorly on Super Tuesday and the billionaire is now assessing whether to continue his campaign. There are speculations that Bloomberg’s alternative way of defining democracy might have had something to do with it. The Mideast Beast asked Bloomberg whether his recent refusal to call China’s Communist leader Xi Jinping a dictator might have backfired. “Well, I said that whether Xi Jinping is a dictator depends on how you define dictator and democracy. Personally, I don’t think...
Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate
In a move aimed at highlighting their party’s diversity, the Democratic Party announced that Palestinian-American rapper DJ Khaled will take the debate stage alongside the party’s six leading white candidates. The decision came amid concern among Democratic leaders that all candidates to qualify for the debate would be white following Senator Kamala Harris’s withdrawal from the race. “We are the party of diversity, so it’s not the best look when our top six candidates are 5 and 1023/1024 Caucasian,” Democratic...
Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor
Acknowledging that his cabinet has lacked an element of righteous fury since John Bolton’s departure, US President Donald Trump has appointed 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg to serve as National Security Advisor. “I heard her give a speech at the UN, and God was she angry,” Trump explained as he announced the appointment. “I’m not sure what she was saying – something about a ‘climbing range’ or ‘pilot mange,’ I wasn’t really listening – but I wouldn’t want to...
Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special
Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. Shortly after the accusation was published in The New York Times, several Democratic presidential candidates released statements calling for Kavanaugh’s impeachment and arrest. “Brett Kavanaugh’s...
ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels
Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing them with fruity vapes. In this new operation, code named, Jihadist Ultimate Undoing of Lungs (JUUL), the insurgency group will be able...