US

Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’

Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’

The Gaza-based Palestinian Islamist group Hamas chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message comes more than two months after an outbreak of violence led to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants we normally only see when Ahmed’s chugging the fermented goat’s milk.” “Listen, we love hearing people rip on those Jews...

Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country

Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country

Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do with a job. “I just think Israel should end the occupation, because like, we’re all people, so why should the...

ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement

ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement

In the wake of pop star Justin Bieber’s engagement to model Hailey Baldwin, ISIS has issued a fatwa calling for the death of the latter on the grounds that she is seeking to “steal and pervert a national treasure of the Islamic State.” “We’re not only believers in our cause for Jihad, but are, above all, beliebers”, the heartbroken Islamic terror group said in its statement. “Now this Western temptress wants to take the Bieb away from us and we...

British Protests, Violence Mark 242 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

British Protests, Violence Mark 242 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans celebrate the 242nd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...

Space Force Set to Launch ‘All Those Little Brown Aliens’ into Space

Space Force Set to Launch ‘All Those Little Brown Aliens’ into Space

After nearly two weeks, the United States Space Force has received its first mission; do something with all of the children being held by the government at the border. Today, President Donald Trump announced that he had directed his top Space Force generals, who were among the first to enlist a few days ago, to “take all those little brown kids, strap them to the inside of a rocket, and launch them deep into the furthest reaches of space.” “The...

Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service

Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service

Democrats retook control of all three branches of the US government over the weekend, as nearly all Republican leaders including President Trump were denied service at a number of local restaurants, and starved. The effort was spurred by the owner of a Virginia Red Hen restaurant, who turned away Trump’s press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Once enough progressive restaurant owners joined the movement, it became impossible for anyone in Trump’s cabinet to find a restaurant to serve them, resulting ultimately...

Jeff Sessions on Border “Concentration” Camps: “More Like a Dog Pound for Kids.”

Jeff Sessions on Border “Concentration” Camps: “More Like a Dog Pound for Kids.”

The Trump administration is under fire again, regarding the conditions of migrant children being held in camps along the border.  Amnesty International and the UN have already condemned the United States; however , the UN has not yet found a way to blame the camps on Israel, but they have a commission tirelessly at work. Many have decried the practice of separating young children from their parents indefinitely until the time of trial.  For many, this is reminiscent of Nazi...

Eric Trump Detained by ICE

Eric Trump Detained by ICE

It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and his family kinda of just handed him over to the agents. It reminded me of when you see people abandoning...

Southern Poverty Law Center Lists SPLC as ‘Anti-Muslim Hate Group’

Southern Poverty Law Center Lists SPLC as ‘Anti-Muslim Hate Group’

Blasting the group as a “bunch of Islamophobic bigots,” the Southern Poverty Law Center has officially classified itself as an anti-Muslim extremist group. “The Southern Poverty Law Center targets Muslims like Maajid Nawaz – who are most certainly not anti-Muslim extremists– simply for their faith,” SPLC President Richard Cohen said in a recorded statement on Monday. “These folks are using their white privilege to attack innocent Muslims.” Earlier in the day, SPLC apologized for listing Nawaz in a directory of anti-Muslim...

Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’

Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’

Speaking at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum, President Trump declared Tuesday that victims of the genocide “would be very happy and proud at how well our country is doing.” “Anne Frank, you like her, right? Let me tell you, she would be so happy that I finally got the NFL to make those bums stand for our national anthem. Nice!” Trump declared, as other attendees looked on in stunned silence. “And you think she would have voted for Crooked Hillary?...

Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding

Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding

With the Baltimore area devastated by heavy flooding, DC Councilman Trayon White has called for negotiations with the Jews who control the weather. “It is time for us to put aside our hostility for the Rothschildren (sic) and other Jewish bankers and ask them what we must do to get this rain to end,” White, who made headlines for saying that the Jewish family controls the climate, explained. “The Jews gave us this weather, and only the Jews can take...

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

The tragic high school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas has pushed the NRA to its emotional brink. The rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness apparently do not apply to the nearly 50 million students in American public schools, but the obscure and outdated second amendment right remains unscathed. “It’s time something is done. Our years of thoughts and prayers have proven to be mere wastes of time, as they have not been coupled with action,” spokesperson Dana...

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag

In a negotiating blunder, US President Donald Trump has agreed to lift all economic sanctions on the North Korean regime and withdraw American troops from the peninsula in exchange for a lifetime supply of North Korean t-shirts, hats and paraphernalia. Reeling from sanctions and fearing a military strike, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un entered the meeting prepared to dismantle his nuclear program, release all political prisoners and allow for democratic elections. Seated across from Trump, Kim began, “In exchange for...

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

A recently resurfaced interview from 2015 with hip-hop mogul DJ Khaled has sent shockwaves through the feminist community, particularly with organizers of the Women’s March who are convinced that all Arab men honor and respect their wives. Khaled, still not entirely sure why reciprocity in a relationship means performing oral sex, stands by his statement that “there are different rules for men”. His lack of actual talent did not deter the DJ from making comments on how women should, or should...

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot

The American Left has lost its pre-eminent thinker, as The Atlantic national correspondent Ta-Nehisi Coates has been discovered to be a Russian bot programmed to write 10,000-word essays tying the day’s lead news item to slavery and segregation. “It was quite simple, really,” Alexei Sokolov, a 26-year-old programmer from Novosibirsk, told The Mideast Beast. “We just programmed 15,000 pages of Howard Zinn books into the bot, and trained it to plug in the day’s top trending topic using the linguistic...

The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War

The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War

The American Left has admitted that it misses the days when it didn’t have to be mad about bombing foreign countries. Dick Meskil, a liberal from Berkeley, California, explained his frustration, “Remember when President Obama ordered a drone strike killing a  16-year-old American kid? Now if it had been Bush or Trump, I would have been really mad, but deep in my heart, I knew Obama could be trusted. That teenager was definitely a threat to American security!” “Now I’ll...

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Last week’s denuclearization talks between North and South Korea went astonishingly well – so well in fact, the duo is offering hand holding-lessons to the US President and First Lady.   “Donald cannot just grab her by the hand,” said Kim with Moon nodding in agreement. “Melania should not want to defect from the marriage. Trump needs to read the potentially volatile situation and act on it accordingly.”   The suggestion for the troubled couple is backed up by the UN...

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys.  West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President and asserting his autonomous right to free thought. The sudden support by West has rocked Black America’s political opinion, especially...

Kanye West: Jews “Chose” 2,000 Years of Anti-Semitism

Kanye West: Jews “Chose” 2,000 Years of Anti-Semitism

Just a day after saying that African-Americans ‘chose’ to be enslaved for 400 years, controversial rapper Kanye West has implied that Jews were also willing participants in their own violent subjugation. “Them Jews… when you hear about all that anti-Semitism crap going on for 2,000 years – that also sounds to me like a choice,” he told TMZ in a follow-up interview. “And their time over there in Egyptland – they lapped that up, y’all… free food and accommodation! Same goes for...

Bowing to Pressure from Women’s March Activist, Starbucks to Ban Jews

Bowing to Pressure from Women’s March Activist, Starbucks to Ban Jews

Yielding to pressure from a handful of anti-Israel activists, Starbucks announced that Jews will no longer be allowed in any of the company’s location. The decision comes after Women’s March organizer Tamika Mallory, a supporter of Nation of Islam founder and noted anti-Semite Louis Farrakhan, tweeted her frustration over having to wait in line behind potential Zionists. “How am I supposed to enjoy my iced Frappuccino not knowing whether one of these dirty Jews is going to gore me with...