War
Trump Proposes Mass Prescription of Prozac to End Syrian Civil War
After suggesting that the United States start using anti-Malaria medication to treat COVID-19 patients, a confident President Donald Trump, excited by the prospect of solving problems with unproven pills, announced plans to end the Syrian civil war by supplying billions of Prozac pills. Trump made his announcement at a White House press briefing, saying that although they are not sure that Prozac will work to solve the 9 year-old civil war, it is worth doing because “if it does work,...
European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling
As cities go on lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic, jihadists are increasingly finding themselves out of human targets, and therefore out of jobs. The European Union released a statement about the financial distress that Covid19 is causing terrorists from ISIS to Al Qaeda and Hezbollah: “The European Union is concerned by the shutting down of entire cities, and indeed countries, causing militant Islamists a devastating loss of livelihood. Terrorism as a profession is met with severe discrimination on the...
US Quickly Moves Toilet Paper Reserves to Fort Knox Following ISIS Threat of “Crippling Attack”
The US government is reportedly moving the nation’s diminishing toilet paper reserves to Fort Knox, known by many as ‘the Vault’, famous for its high-level physical security. Locals in Kentucky reported sightings of military vehicles in a miles-long convoy, accompanied by troops from the US Armed Forces, including, by demand of President Trump, detachments from US Space Force. Heading towards the Vault, all vehicles were loaded to the absolute maximum with much of the nation’s dwindling, and much coveted, rolls...
Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus
In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official. “We tried modern medicine and it didn’t work. We tried our old giant bird masks, but they didn’t work, we...
Benny Gantz to Consult Aung San Suu Kyi on How to ‘Fail to Deliver’
Benny Gantz placed his bid to become the next Knesset Speaker on Thursday, increasing the likelihood a coalition government with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Now he is already cashing in on the historic about-face. Gantz is going to advise Nobel prize winner-turned-ethnic cleansing enabler, Aung San Suu Kyi, on how to epically disappoint expectations. Benny Gantz entered political life a little over a year ago with a promise to bring change and end the Netanyahu era. “Then he just changed...
US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields
The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy to the Omani people and ending the dictatorship of Sultan Haitham bin Tariq, who took office in January. “For too...
Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine
To combat Cordvid-19, Israel has announced a plan to place all of the Gaza Strip under quarantine. The plan came into effect after Israel suspected that two Palestinians had moved across the border in the past five years. Israel said it will seal off the borders of Gaza indefinitely while it tries to contain the crisis. “The idea is restrict movement of all Gazans until the pandemic is over,” said one health official, mysteriously dressed as a soldier. “Once this...
Hezbollah: “72 Virgins is Too Crowded”, Martyrs Feel Cheated
Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah has ruled that 72 virgins is dangerously crowded for its suicide bombers, leaving many potential martyrs feeling cheated. Nasrallah’s decision comes after he and other senior Hezbollah leaders reportedly contracted the coronavirus. Nasrallah spoke to The Mideast Beast from his subterranean quarantine Beirut bunker. “As Hezbollah’s leader, my main responsibility is to preserve a safe afterlife for our virile martyr operatives. Gatherings of more than 50 virgins is not considered safe”. Ali al-Shahidi, a disillusioned 24-year...
ISIS Urges Suicide Bombers to Avoid Large Crowds
In an effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus, the Islamic State is advising its suicide bombers to avoid large crowds and densely packed areas while carrying out their operations. “As we look to mitigate the harm caused by COVID-19, we are adjusting our operations to protect our mujahideen against the threat of the virus,” ISIS leader Amir Mohammed al-Salbi said in a memo to employees. “Suicide bombers and other prospective martyrs should avoid crowded locations and be sure to...
Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’
Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast. The terror group hopes to create a stampede of Americans fleeing the venues, leading to mass casualties. “Until the infidels,...
Palestinians Give New Yorkers Tips on Living Under Occupation
With the National Guard called into New York’s suburbs in response to a Coronavirus outbreak, New Yorkers are reaching out to Palestinians for tips on living under military occupation. “Until this week, I never knew what it was like to have my movement restricted, or to see tanks in the street,” said one resident of New Rochelle, New York, where the National Guard established a one-mile containment zone. “Luckily, my buddies in the West Bank and Gaza have been very...
Trump Praises “Best Friends Forever” Deal with Taliban
President Donald Trump has praised the recently signed “Best Friends Forever” deal with the Taliban. The President spoke to The Mideast Beast about his phone conversation with Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar.“I had a good talk with President Mullah. I had a feeling those Jews were listening in on the call, so I was really careful, only using the best words. I have transcripts to prove it. Trump continued, “We have so much in common. Both of us consist...
Taliban Blasts ‘Sexist’ US for Not Supporting Warren’s Presidential Bid
The Taliban has called off its peace deal with the US, saying that it could not normalize relations with such a sexist nation following Senator Elizabeth Warren’s exit from the presidential race. “Warren’s failure to gain traction exposed Americans’ deep-seated misogyny”, deputy Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar said. He also noted, “countries across the world, from Australia to the UK to Pakistan, have elected female leaders, but the United States keeps rejecting qualified women like Liz Warren in favor...
Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops
It’s been well over a month since Trump’s decision to play whack-a-mole with Iran’s exalted general, Qasem Soleimani. Since then, Iranian troops and Shiite militiamen alike are saying they’re having a bit of trouble adjusting to their new boss, Esmail Ghaani. Hezbollah troops were the first to raise some eyebrows about some of the new office policies that Ghaani instated, starting with travel expenses and being a stickler for having receipts. One Hezbollah fighter complained that he wasn’t getting reimbursed...
Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel
Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best way to express this.” Israeli police reported that they had defused several bombs shaped as pink and red hearts. Police...
Well That Went About as Well as Expected…
Global markets, world leaders, and leading experts are breathing a collective sigh of relief as the latest peace plan, proposed by Pinocchio cosplayer of the year Jared Kushner, is turning out not to be the ‘Deal of the Century’. Middle East commentator Steve Kotkin said, “Frankly it would have been a massive pain in the ass if they’d pulled this off. A real ‘experts no nothing’ moment. Luckily for us it’s gone pretty much as expected. Which is to say,...
Anti-War Activists Pat Themselves on the Back for Preventing War With Iran
As the United States prepared to invade Iran earlier this month, many worried that the world was about to spiral hopelessly out of control. American President Donald J. Trump finally seemed poised to start another aggressive war of choice and finally fulfill his longstanding plan to destabilize literally the entire world. But luckily, the rules-based international order had a group of stalwart defenders who kept the mushroom clouds from blooming: the brave men and women of the American anti-war movement....
Obese ISIS Leader ‘Jabba the Jihadi’ Loses 300 Pounds, Hired as Subway Spokesman
Recently captured Islamic State mufti Abu Abdul Bari (dubbed ‘Jabba the Jihadi’), who weighed in at more than 560 pounds (254 kilograms) at the time of his arrest, has dropped nearly 300 pounds after switching his diet to three six-inch Subway sandwiches each day. Subway has brought on Bari to lead a new ad campaign, making the jihadi leader its spokesman. “Subway’s sandwiches are jihadelicious – but they won’t blow up your waistline!” Bari says in recently aired commercial while...
Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy
Following the controversy over a Jeopardy question last week, a visibly aggravated Alex Trebek seemed intent on not letting his audience know that the dispute had not phased him. This follows the controversy where the answer to a question placed Bethlehem in Israel rather than Palestine. Some groups took offense to this, with Code Pink, which is usually such a reasonable group of women, responding by saying that the answer was “literally like the Holocaust happened all over again right there...
Iran Launches GoFundMe Campaign for Better Air Defense Radars
In the aftermath of a tragic incident in which an Iranian missile shot down a commercial airliner near Tehran last week, the Islamic Republic’s air defense force has launched a GoFundMe campaign to help them acquire improved radar systems. Military leaders say the new radars could help prevent similarly tragic incidents in the future by distinguishing military targets from civilian flights. Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif took to Twitter to announce the campaign. “The whole world has now seen what tragic, unintentional events...