War

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a lot of obstacles to getting this deal done,” Spencer told reporters. “Namely, we hate Arabs and Muslims, and they hate whites and infidels.”...

Assyrians Massacred After Pelosi Leaves Them Out of Anti-Hate Resolution

Assyrians Massacred After Pelosi Leaves Them Out of Anti-Hate Resolution

In one of the Middle East’s worst genocides in a generation, tens of thousands of Assyrians were killed after US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi forgot to include them in a resolution condemning hate. The resolution, originally proposed to focus on anti-Semitism after a string of controversial comments by Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, was ultimately turned into a comprehensive list condemning all possible bigotries. But while denouncing hate against Jews, Muslims, African Americans, Latinos, Swedes, the LGBTQ community, dentists, Klingons, snow...

Israel and Hamas Begin Roundtable Discussions to Plan This Summer’s War

Israel and Hamas Begin Roundtable Discussions to Plan This Summer’s War

As springtime is approaching, and in accordance with regulations that a war between Israel and Gaza occur once every two years in the summertime, Israeli and Hamas authorities have begun talks this week to plan the initial stages of the conflict. According to transcripts obtained from closed door meetings, Hamas suggested that they unveil a new 200 km range missile in this round of fighting in order to “spice up” the “breakout stage” and really “blow away” international crowds. However, Israeli...

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALs Ever Think About Them

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALs Ever Think About Them

During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALs still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALs hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump took office, they were looking forward to more midnight raids by special operations forces, but since January they’ve been feeling…...

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Osama was a household name across much of the world. Everyone talked about him and...

Saudi Arabia: We’d Take Syrian Refugees If We Had More Room

Saudi Arabia: We’d Take Syrian Refugees If We Had More Room

As the international community continues to decry about the lack of help from Arab-Muslim countries regarding Syrian refugees, the diminutive Saudi Kingdom announced today that it really wants to help its Syrian brothers and sisters but it’s unfortunately bursting at the seams. Saudi Foreign Minister Abdul Jabbar commented; “We’re just full up right now. Imagine how you feel after Ramadan ends and you hit the buffet. Well like that. Look, go and ask Kuwait, they’ve got loads of space.” RELATED: Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive...

Insecure Gazan Man Furious at Hamas for Not Choosing Him as Human Shield

Insecure Gazan Man Furious at Hamas for Not Choosing Him as Human Shield

GAZA CITY – 56-year-old Palestinian Rafah Saleem al-Fayoumi stared forlornly at the funeral procession for his neighbor Hasan’s children, thinking to himself, “Why did Hamas leaders choose Hasan’s kids to be human shields against the evil Zionists instead of mine? Am I not good enough?” Turning to a sympathetic BBC reporter, al-Fayoumi then poured out his feelings: “Why is the blood of Hasan’s children somehow better than the blood of mine? It’s so unjust – Hasan’s family gets everything! Last week Hamas...

Taliban Negotiators in Awkward Water-Cooler Moment with Syrian Team

Taliban Negotiators in Awkward Water-Cooler Moment with Syrian Team

US envoys to the Taliban have experienced a stilted five-minute conversation with their colleagues on the ISIS desk, as they discussed their ‘working lunch’ with Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar. “So yeah that sounds nice” commented one State Department official currently grappling with wiping out terror groups in Syria. “Was there hummus? I bet there was hummus. Everyone just sitting round and chillin, showing pictures of their kids and stuff. Sounds great. Well don’t mind us, we will just go back...

Saudi Prince Promotes “Turkish-type Consulate” Peace Plan

Saudi Prince Promotes “Turkish-type Consulate” Peace Plan

During his official visit to Pakistan Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman has invited his hosts to join him and Indian negotiators at the Saudi consulate of their choice for what he has dubbed ‘an introduction to enhanced negotiation techniques.’ A spokesman for the Crown Prince commented, “His Majesty has always felt that when tensions are at their highest the best thing to do is to invite all the parties to the dispute to a sit down and a nice cup...

Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp

Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp

“Guilty,” said the Israeli judge, relaying the verdict of two Palestinian teens that stood accused of carrying out a terror attack that left several Israelis wounded.  The teens, who make up the worst duo since Milli Vanilli, didn’t react to their verdict until they heard the sentence.  “We were mentally prepared to spend time in an Israeli prison,” one teen told the press, “But… the punishment they gave us… it’s much, much worse.”  The Israeli court decided that the pair...

Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour

Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is taking the Fight for $15 to the Caliphate, demanding that the Islamic State pay a living wage to its mujahedeen in Iraq and Syria. “These fighters work very hard, very long hours, in a very dangerous job, and yet they are paid peanuts while the Caliph and those around him live very comfortably,” Sanders said in a stump speech in Aleppo. “It is not fair that the top 1 percent of ISIS officials get 83...

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools

Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools

Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach all Israeli cities, but that ultimately this was a failed strategy. He continued, “the rockets that we launch into Israel...

ISIS Leadership asks, “Are we in the Sixth Sense?”

ISIS Leadership asks, “Are we in the Sixth Sense?”

ISIS leaders are increasingly concerned that they may in fact be emulating Bruce Willis’ role in the supernatural thriller. A spokesman said, “President Trump keeps claiming we are beaten, but we still appear to be here. However, we know the President is a highly truthful man. So that leads us to the only logical conclusion. Were we really dead the whole time?” “We’ve been looking back to meetings we’ve had with Western journalists, and actually when we think about it...

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mates right before their souls meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...

Mideast Groundhog Sees Shadow, Signaling Six More Generations of War

Mideast Groundhog Sees Shadow, Signaling Six More Generations of War

In a disappointing development for residents of the region, the Middle Eastern version of Groundhog Day ended with the groundhog seeing his shadow, an indicator that six more generations of war are ahead. Thousands of onlookers from across the Arabian Peninsula and beyond gathered in Mecca to watch Bunxsutawney Bill come out of his burrow, hoping he would usher in an era of peace. But the rodent soon scurried back into his hole, meaning the Mideast can expect at least...

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

In an attempt to regain some of the attention which has dissipated to ISIS in recent years, Al Qaeda is set to publish a provocatively titled new fighting manual and will be hosting their first book launch next week. Entitled “Fifty Shades of Jihad”, the manual is marketed as a “guide for both the expert and the uninitiated in the world of radical Islamism” and is said to “encompass all the intricate and often sensual facets of Quranic-inspired terrorism”. A...

ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk

ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk

In an attack they say will shake the nation to its core, the Islamic State promised to infiltrate the US wearing red hats and stand in public venues while smirking. The plan was revealed after Covington Catholic High School student Nick Sandmann’s appearance in a “Make America Great Again” hat at a March for Life rally in Washington DC led to widespread pandemonium and acrimony across the country. “For years, we’ve worked tirelessly to execute the perfect attack that will kill...

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

After reading several books touting conspiracy theories, former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden spent his last days in his compound in Pakistan questioning not only the U.S. government’s version of 9/11 but his own role in the 2001 attacks, newly released documents show. Among the books bin Laden kept in his Abbottabad compound was David Ray Griffin’s “The New Pearl Harbor,” which claims that the Twin Towers were not brought down by planes and that 9/11 was a “False...