War

ISIS Further Decimated by ‘Tide Pod Challenge’

ISIS Further Decimated by ‘Tide Pod Challenge’

Already reeling after losing nearly all its territory in clashes with Iraqi forces, ISIS has been dealt another blow after half the terror group’s soldiers died attempting the “Tide Pod Challenge.” The devastation struck after a group of young jihadis were killing time on patrol in the town of Abu Kamel, Syria and came across a video issuing the challenge – to eat pods filled with Tide laundry detergent – on YouTube. Insisting that they were much braver than any...

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House leaks have revealed that the President is currently “pretty satisfied” with the progress being made towards plunging the world into an all-consuming global conflict. He remains open to whether this is a good or a bad thing. In the minutes of a National Security Council that were leaked, National Security Adviser General H.R. McMasters expressed concern that the President seemed “a little too excited” about the possibility of World War III.  At one point, in trying to explain...

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Monday morning. Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah is stretched thin, being too busy in the Clown-Killing Circus, or Syria as it’s officially referred to. When The Mideast Beast asked how such a situation could possibly occur, the IDF Chief of Staff just shrugged his shoulders and...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind most western countries despite all of the media hype. We’re just way, way, way behind.” “We want to create a...

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

Admitting that the group had nearly run out of underage girls for its fighters, the Islamic State has reached out to former US Congressman Anthony Weiner, offering the embattled politician asylum in the caliphate in exchange for his contact book. The offer comes as Weiner, once a leading candidate in New York City’s mayoral race, faces possible jail time after he allegedly exchanged sexually explicit messages with a 15-year-old girl through Twitter. “Anthony, join us in the land of the...

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo last spring reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from the West, specifically North America. An online poll revealed that 45% of Americans expect to have a “more favorable outlook...

Armenians Demand US Recognize the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide’

Armenians Demand US Recognize the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide’

Saying that their own struggle for recognition should take a backseat, Armenians are demanding that the US acknowledge the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide,’ during which the celebrity chef and alleged war criminal called hummus “Israeli.” James Zogby, the president of the Arab American Institute, was the first to note the international law implications of Ray’s message, tweeting back “Damn it @rachaelray. This is cultural #genocide.” The Armenians, whose own massacre at the hands of the Ottoman Empire remains unrecognized in the...

Unable to Capitalize on Oil Reserves, ISIS Breaks Ground on Libya’s First Chipotle

Unable to Capitalize on Oil Reserves, ISIS Breaks Ground on Libya’s First Chipotle

Libya seemed like the perfect place for The Islamic State (IS) to settle down: a lack of government and freeze on assets would be an ideal location to move in and set up a nice oil business. And IS thought they had it all figured out after gaining territory in two port cities on Libya’s south and eastern coasts. But once they took control of the oil fields, they realized no one knew how to operate them. “We also had trouble...

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Osama was a household name across much of the world. Everyone talked about him and...

New IDF Unit to Specialize in Combatting 17-Year-Old Blondes

New IDF Unit to Specialize in Combatting 17-Year-Old Blondes

After a video of 17-year-old Palestinian Ahed Tamimi slapping an Israeli soldier and allegedly making the occupation look bad went viral, IDF officials have decided to take precautionary measures against an incident of this kind happening again: Israeli military officials have ordered the establishment of a new combat intelligence unit specializing in combating blonde teenage girls. “Our soldiers receive ample training in self-defense and Krav Maga,” says General Amnon Kafot, head of the new unit. “But recent events have proven...

‘Lesjihadis’ Seize Saudi Embassy, Threaten to Kill Male Hostages

‘Lesjihadis’ Seize Saudi Embassy, Threaten to Kill Male Hostages

BEIRUT – Lesbian terrorists are vowing to execute 34 male diplomats if Saudi Arabia does not grant women and LGBT citizens equal rights, after storming the kingdom’s embassy in the Lebanese capital this morning. Posing as a class of political science college students, dozens of female militants – who smuggled plastic guns in their orifices – seized the compound at 10:15 AM local time. After releasing all women, effeminate men and local cleaning staff, the so-called ‘Al-Kus Brigades’ (Pussy Brigades)...

Study: Majority of Western Jihadists in Syria Are “Total Pussies”

Study: Majority of Western Jihadists in Syria Are “Total Pussies”

Despite widespread concern among world leaders and intelligence agencies over Western-born jihadists flocking to Syria to join ISIS, a new report shows that most end up returning home disillusioned and desperately craving “infidel creature comforts.” According to the Brussels-based Institute for the Study of Islamic Killaholics, which interviewed hundreds of returning Islamist fighters, “the vast majority of these combatants come home to Europe or elsewhere not with a heightened lust to kill people, but rather a newfound love for Western...

Virgins Hope They Don’t Get Stuck with Loser Times Square Terrorist

Virgins Hope They Don’t Get Stuck with Loser Times Square Terrorist

Virgins across paradise are praying that Akayed Ullah, who set off a pipe bomb strapped to his chest Monday near New York City’s Times Square, survives his wounds and does not become a martyr after his attack failed to kill any infidels. Since Sharia law dictates that anyone who dies fighting for Islam is awarded 72 virgins, Ullah, who pledged allegiance to ISIS, will be entitled his allotment should he succumb to his wounds. Following the pathetic attack, in which...

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

In an attempt to regain some of the attention which has dissipated to ISIS in recent years, Al Qaeda is set to publish a provocatively titled new fighting manual and will be hosting their first book launch next week. Entitled “Fifty Shades of Jihad”, the manual is marketed as a “guide for both the expert and the uninitiated in the world of radical Islamism” and is said to “encompass all the intricate and often sensual facets of Quranic-inspired terrorism”. A...

ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan

ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan

Archaeologists have used satellite imaging to discover an ancient structure buried near the historic city of Petra in Jordan, you know, the site in Indiana jones and the Last Crusade. “This find is incredible!” exclaimed archaeologist Dr. Lucy Peatbog. “This discovery gives us a better sense of how civilizations in this area lived thousands of years ago. What’s next? We discover Atlantis, Xanadu, maybe those Clinton emails? With this tech, I’d believe it.” But ancient history fans aren’t the only...

Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour

Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour

GAZA CITY — The Gaza Strip has been hit again! This time, by an unexpected massive downpour of rain yesterday, allegedly brought upon by Israel to ‘screw with the Palestinian People,’ claims a Hamas official. In light of the situation, world leaders are scheduled to meet in Cairo in the coming days to mediate the cease-water negotiations, scheduled to take place next week. Israeli weather forecasters are still playing dumb, erroneously blaming ‘the atmosphere’ and ‘clouds’ for the ‘slight rainfall’...

ISIS Abandons Qur’an For Being Too Peaceful, Adopts Gospel According To Wile E. Coyote

ISIS Abandons Qur’an For Being Too Peaceful, Adopts Gospel According To Wile E. Coyote

After constant accusations of not truly representing Islam, the Islamic State has decided that the Qur’an will no longer be the guiding force to their movement. The militant radicals will instead follow the far more violent scripture of mid 20th century American cartoons. Following visits from Acme missionaries to the Middle East, the Islamic State learned about the prophet Wile E. Coyote and his many sacrifices for the sake of violence. ISIS had been looking for a replacement for Islam...

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...

Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors

Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors

It has transpired that Hamas’ terror tunnel network project’s numerous setbacks and delays can be explained by the Islamist group using the same contractors who worked on the so-called ‘Big Dig’ project in Boston in the 1990s and 2000s. The planning and development officials who had managed the controversial American highway development had been hired by Hamas in what has been termed by one Gazan official as “the biggest fuck up we’ve ever made, and we’ve made some pretty big...