War

ISIS Depressed No One Blaming Them for Capitol Attack
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ISIS Depressed No One Blaming Them for Capitol Attack

With partisans in the US arguing over whether Antifa or supporters of President Trump are to blame for the storming of the US Capitol, leaders of the Islamic State terror group are reportedly downcast that no one has even thought to accuse them of leading the attack. “Five years ago, if someone lit a firecracker in a Hooters parking lot,...

Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides
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Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides

Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation...

ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life
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ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life

Calling him “disgraceful” and “an infidel,” ISIS spokesman Abu Hassan al-Muhajir has announced the disqualification of Dr. Abu-Bakhr’s license to practice medicine. The decision to revoke his license comes after the surgeon provided life-saving intervention to a little boy suffering from tuberculosis. “Abu-Bakhr intentionally defied the protocol set in place to prevent this type of incident,” the spokesman said. “How...

UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus
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UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus

With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...

Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen
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Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen

In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...

US to Sell UAE Massive Twisted Tea Shipment in Weapons Deal
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US to Sell UAE Massive Twisted Tea Shipment in Weapons Deal

In an arms deal that could change the balance of power in the region, the United Arab Emirates has agreed to buy 100 million Twisted Tea cans from the US. The UAE, which was previously looking to purchase 50 advanced stealth F-35 jets, decided to instead invest its defense budget in the alcoholic beverage after seeing a video in which...

Trevor Lawrence Joins ISIS to Avoid Playing for Jacksonville
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Trevor Lawrence Joins ISIS to Avoid Playing for Jacksonville

With the Jacksonville Jaguars clinching the top pick in next year’s NFL draft, Clemson quarterback and top prospect Trevor Lawrence announced that he will move to Syria and join the Islamic State to avoid playing for the Jaguars. Lawrence, widely considered the best quarterback prospect in a generation, acknowledged that he was not looking forward to living in the Syrian...

Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”
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Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”

While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria
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Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

According to the Russian Interfax news service, just in time for the holidays, Russia is planning to deploy an additional S-300 ‘Santa Tracking’ surface to air missile system to Syria. The weapon will be capable of tracking Santa Claus across Syrian airspace. The Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD) insists that the system is nothing for the US or its allies...

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy
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Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world that it is, indeed, a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing an ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “Look at other successful terrorist organizations; all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible. In the name of Allah, what do...

Hamas Environment Minister Vows to Cut Flag, Effigy Burning 20% by 2030
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Hamas Environment Minister Vows to Cut Flag, Effigy Burning 20% by 2030

In one of the region’s most ambitious initiatives to address climate change, Hamas Minister of the Environment Ahmet al-Buluti has vowed to reduce flag and effigy burning emissions 20% by 2030. “We must all do our part to confront the reality of global warming, and these targets will be an important step towards reducing our carbon footprint,” al-Buluti said in...

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group
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ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, what remains of the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference, covered by OAN news network, between ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy...

Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests
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Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests

New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo has claimed responsibility for the assassination of top Iranian nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, telling reporters he had no choice but to order the killing after he learned that Fakhrizadeh planned to host more than ten guests at a dinner party that evening. Cuomo said intelligence sources inside Iran witnessed the scientist pickup up a...