War
Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing
As Minneapolis and dozens of other US cities were burning during riots following the murder of George Floyd by a police officer, The Mideast Beast asked Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who is known as a seasoned expert on handling crowd control, what he thought about Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey’s handling of the situation. “Well, I am a gentle, polite man and I do not like to speak badly about others, but Mr. Frey is nothing but a beta male”, said...
Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind most western countries despite all of the media hype. We’re just way, way, way behind.” “We want to create a...
Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive
Syrian President, and Russia’s personal puppet, Bashar Assad held an anticipatory memorial day for Syrians that he hasn’t killed yet. It comes on the heels of an unmasked President Trump and a masked Joe Biden who marked America’s Memorial Day this past Monday. An emotional Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from his recently revealed Damascus Institute for Inclusive Corona Takeaway Lab. “I mourn 24/7 for my beloved Syrian people, especially the scrappy ones who are still with us. After...
Iran Announces Soleimani Prize for Revolutionary Leaders Who Don’t Die in a Drone Strike
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani announced this week the formation of a committee to award the ״Major General Soleimani Prize״. The prize is in memory of the infamous general who died earlier this year from complications related to a hellfire missile and will be awarded for excellence in the category of “Struggle and Resistance”. The award will be the centerpiece of an awards gala to be held later this year, hosted by Sean Penn. The committee is slated to decide by...
Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology
Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has decided to “embrace a simple Amish lifestyle free from Zionist technology.” The decision comes after Iran’s parliament unanimously passed a resolution banning any use of Israeli technology as a “crime against God.” Since Israeli technology is found in everything from laptops to smartphones, Iran’s supreme leader spoke to The Mideast Beast inside a 100 percent Zionist-free desert cave, accessible only by a camel taxi. “Allah told me to reconnect with my inner Amish pacifist...
Iran’s Supreme Leader: Some of My Best Friends Are Jews
Iran’s “Supreme Leader” Ali Khamenei, clearly frustrated, recently went on a prolonged Twitter rant, in which he, among other things, described Israel as “a cancerous tumor”. The rant came as a poster published on Khamenei’s website using the words “final solution” and calling for Israel’s destruction, drew criticism. “The Zionist regime understands no logic except force and it is the most evident example of state terrorism” Khamenei tweeted without the slightest hint of irony. “That is why we, the friendly...
Assad’s Cousin Shocked to Discover Security Forces Didn’t Learn from Mother Teresa
Rami Makhlouf, the first cousin of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and one of the richest and most powerful men in Syria, recently took to social media to complain about the Syrian security service’s “inhumane” treatment of him. Makhlouf – not a relation of the Chairman of the International Federation of Suicide Bombers, Makhlouf Abu-Jihad – has been financing Assad’s war effort, including the security forces. To his surprise, Makhlouf recently discovered that the security forces that he proudly sponsors when...
Berkeley Offers Safe Space to Battered Iranian Forces Fleeing Syria
Berkeley’s City Council has offered “safe space” to Iranian forces in Syria, currently badly battered by “racist Yid Demonic Forces (YDF).” The compassionate move from Berkeley, a world-renowned bastion of cherry-picked human rights causes, comes as Iran reportedly begins pulling out its forces from Syria after repeated Israeli airstrikes on Iranian military bases and Iranian-affiliated militias operating in Syria. Berkeley mayor Jesse Arreguín spoke to The Mideast Beast during Berkeley’s annual “Justice for Traumatized Hezbollah Orphans Against Fascism and Apartheid” rally....
After Seeing Israel’s New Coalition, Assad ‘Totally Down’ with Unity Government
In a rare interview, Syria’s President Bashar al-Assad told The Mideast Beast (TMB) that he was greatly influenced by the latest developments in Israeli politics. Assad said that after hearing about the formation of a unity coalition “I was mind fucked. This is so brilliant. I am totally down to end the civil war and establish a unity government like the Zionist have.” The Syrian autocrat said that he would be willing to have each faction designate a “Benny Gantz-like...
IKEA Offers Assembly Instructions to Flat-Packaged Mideast Peace
The global furniture giant IKEA is now offering “assembly instructions to a flat-packaged Mideast peace.” The announcement comes as the popular Swedish furniture seller reopens its stores in Israel, Germany and China. IKEA’s upbeat Mideast Director Sven Borg revealed to The Mideast Beast why IKEA’s Middle East Peace Plan has better chances than the previous 789 clinically dead peace proposals. “Achieving Mideast peace is almost as tricky as making peace between Democrats and Republicans in the US. Instead of bombastic...
Biden Congratulates David Ben-Gurion on Israel’s Independence Day
Presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly sent an official letter to Israel’s founding father David Ben-Gurion, wishing Israel a Happy Independence Day. A frustrated Biden told The Mideast Beast that he was surprised that he never received a reply from Ben-Gurion who passed away in 1973. “Frankly I think it is rude that Prime Minister Ben-Gurion never bothered to respond to my well-meaning wishes on Israel’s birthday. Just the other day, President Harry Truman recognized the State of Israel and the...
Jared Kushner Suggests 574 State Solution to Combat Coronavirus in Israel and Palestine
Earlier today, human doll and senior advisor to father-in-law President Trump, Jared Kushner announced a new plan to divide Israel and Palestine into 574 city-states to ensure social distancing during this novel coronavirus pandemic. Kushner, a well-respected thinker on Israeli-Palestinian affairs, having read 25 whole books on the protracted conflict, is also the current pandemic tsar. “The science on the issue is clear,” said Kushner. “We can only combat the virus effectively if we adopt social distancing measures. Is there...
Assad Advises Never Inject Bleach, Just Breathe It In
President Assad of Syria, the guy other Middle East dictators would never let their daughters date because, you know, ‘standards’, has weighed into the bleach debate. In a news conference late Friday, flanked by his senior medical advisors he stated, “Look, I’m amazed I have to say this but please don’t inject yourself with bleach. It’s just an insane waste of good chemicals. You know my government hates waste, which is why we always deliver the good stuff by airburst....
UN Condemns Iran Missile Tests: “Didn’t Disinfect them First”
On Tuesday, Iran launched two more test missiles capable of delivering a nuclear payload. During a time when most of the world’s attention is focused on the COVID-19 pandemic, many have ignored Iran’s rapidly escalating rhetoric. Israel called upon the UN to condemn the missile tests, which they did because they failed to properly disinfect the missiles before launching them. The UN called this action a “reckless and dangerous breach of international hygiene.” One UN spokesperson went on the record...
US Re-Invades Iraq to Return Worthless Oil
American forces have once again launched an invasion of Iraq, with the US now looking to return oil to the Middle Eastern nation after prices for crude dropped below zero. The drop in oil demand amid a glut of cheap oil has forced American refiners to pay offtakers to rid them of product. Shortly after US Marines reached Baghdad, American oil tankers appeared in the Persian Gulf fill with crude to be pumped back into Iraqi oil fields. “Obviously, our...
Yemen Offers to Store Saudi Oil in Bomb Craters
With the price of oil in negative territory for the first time in history, Yemen has offered its friendly neighbour a creative storage option. A spokesman commented, “As you can imagine we were devastated to learn that our friends were suffering such hardship, and of course we wanted to help. Now clearly, we couldn’t lend them any money because someone systematically destroyed all our infrastructure. But co-incidentally we find ourselves with a surfeit of large holes, and no means to...
Rebels in Yemen Find Bullets ‘Most Effective’ Treatment for Coronavirus
Yemen, the ever-innovative fount of radical solutions to serious world problems, is making headlines again, as its Houthi-rebels, who are fighting Yemen’s government, have announced how they intend to fight Covid-19. Yemen recently reported its first case of Coronavirus. The Mideast Beast, eager to learn what the Yemenite rebels from the country of unsurpassed medical and technical innovation would have to say, spoke to the Houthi’s shadow Minister of Innovation, Ziyyad Ziyaad Abu Ziyaad, on Sunday. “The idea is obviously...
Saudi Arabia Claims It Bombed Yemen “Ironically”
Following years of criticism around the conflict in Yemen, Saudi commanders went on Fox News last night to announce that they were obviously only bombing innocent civilians “ironically.” “Jeez. Nobody can take a joke nowadays.” said army general and frequent sub-reddittor Mohamad bin-Mohamad. “It’s like how holding up a journalist’s head doesn’t actually mean I hate free speech. Bombing the shit out of a country doesn’t really mean we want to test out our missiles on a defenceless population. It’s,...
Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance
In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel had regretfully no choice but to wipe out Assad’s crumbling Air Force, just as we did at the start of...
Putin to Join Israeli Unity Government after Netanyahu Promises to Annex Syria
Russian President Vladimir Putin has agreed to join an Israeli unity government after Prime Minister Netanyahu promised to annex Syria. The looming threat of a fourth Israeli election in a year has thereby been averted thanks to Putin’s responsible brinkmanship. According to the Putin-Netanyahu deal, Netanyahu will serve as a puppet Prime Minister for the first 18 months with Putin as his chief executive advisor. Afterwards, the rotation will begin and Putin will serve as Israel’s de facto Prime Minister...