![Hamas Reminds Confused Israelis: “Summer Doesn’t Begin Until First ‘Summer Missile’ is Fired”]()
“It’s hot, and then cold, and then hot again!” exclaims Yosi Kahn, a storeowner whose business is centrally located in Tel Aviv. “We’re getting frustrated over here.” Yosi isn’t the only citizen in the Middle East confused by the weather lately. While historical climate data mostly shows warm, yet mild temperatures throughout the region at this time of year, this spring has shown Israelis a mix of warmth, and simply unacceptable rain. Climate Data however is a thing of the...
![Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”]()
RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...
![Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub]()
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...
![Islamic State Leader Surprised Barr Memo Didn’t Mention Trump Joining ISIS]()
Saying that he “thought it would have been kind of a big deal,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said he was a bit surprised to find US President Donald Trump’s pledge of allegiance to the Islamic State did not come up in Attorney General William Barr’s summary of the Mueller report. “I am no expert on American politics, but I thought the fact that President Trump formally swore to defend the Caliphate until his dying breath would have at least...
![Gaza Reporters Finally Catch Up on ‘Game of Thrones’]()
With nothing newsworthy taking place in the Gaza Strip in recent weeks, reporters covering the territory have finally had the chance to binge hit HBO show “Game of Thrones.” After months of constantly reporting on every Israeli action in Gaza, reporters said they were pleasantly surprised to find that the latest series of protests were not against Israel at all. “Honestly, when I heard that a Palestinian writer had his fingers smashed and that civilians were being beaten on the...
![Waqf Insists That Palestinian Temple Mount Rioters Are Just In “Purim Fancy Dress”]()
The Jordanian Waqf, the Islamic body that administers Jerusalem’s Temple Mount complex, has insisted that the balaclava-donning Palestinian youths armed with rocks and Molotov cocktails gathering at the site are simply engaging in “harmless Purim fancy dress”. In anticipation of another crackdown in Muslim areas of the Old City by the Israeli Army, the Waqf has sought to downplay reports that groups of young Palestinians are once again seeking to cause bedlam by hurling rocks and bombs at Israeli soldiers....
![ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group]()
In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a lot of obstacles to getting this deal done,” Spencer told reporters. “Namely, we hate Arabs and Muslims, and they hate whites and infidels.”...
![Assyrians Massacred After Pelosi Leaves Them Out of Anti-Hate Resolution]()
In one of the Middle East’s worst genocides in a generation, tens of thousands of Assyrians were killed after US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi forgot to include them in a resolution condemning hate. The resolution, originally proposed to focus on anti-Semitism after a string of controversial comments by Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, was ultimately turned into a comprehensive list condemning all possible bigotries. But while denouncing hate against Jews, Muslims, African Americans, Latinos, Swedes, the LGBTQ community, dentists, Klingons, snow...
![Israel and Hamas Begin Roundtable Discussions to Plan This Summer’s War]()
As springtime is approaching, and in accordance with regulations that a war between Israel and Gaza occur once every two years in the summertime, Israeli and Hamas authorities have begun talks this week to plan the initial stages of the conflict. According to transcripts obtained from closed door meetings, Hamas suggested that they unveil a new 200 km range missile in this round of fighting in order to “spice up” the “breakout stage” and really “blow away” international crowds. However, Israeli...
![Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALs Ever Think About Them]()
During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALs still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALs hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump took office, they were looking forward to more midnight raids by special operations forces, but since January they’ve been feeling…...
![Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is]()
Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Osama was a household name across much of the world. Everyone talked about him and...
![Saudi Arabia: We’d Take Syrian Refugees If We Had More Room]()
As the international community continues to decry about the lack of help from Arab-Muslim countries regarding Syrian refugees, the diminutive Saudi Kingdom announced today that it really wants to help its Syrian brothers and sisters but it’s unfortunately bursting at the seams. Saudi Foreign Minister Abdul Jabbar commented; “We’re just full up right now. Imagine how you feel after Ramadan ends and you hit the buffet. Well like that. Look, go and ask Kuwait, they’ve got loads of space.” RELATED: Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive...
![Insecure Gazan Man Furious at Hamas for Not Choosing Him as Human Shield]()
GAZA CITY – 56-year-old Palestinian Rafah Saleem al-Fayoumi stared forlornly at the funeral procession for his neighbor Hasan’s children, thinking to himself, “Why did Hamas leaders choose Hasan’s kids to be human shields against the evil Zionists instead of mine? Am I not good enough?” Turning to a sympathetic BBC reporter, al-Fayoumi then poured out his feelings: “Why is the blood of Hasan’s children somehow better than the blood of mine? It’s so unjust – Hasan’s family gets everything! Last week Hamas...
![Taliban Negotiators in Awkward Water-Cooler Moment with Syrian Team]()
US envoys to the Taliban have experienced a stilted five-minute conversation with their colleagues on the ISIS desk, as they discussed their ‘working lunch’ with Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar. “So yeah that sounds nice” commented one State Department official currently grappling with wiping out terror groups in Syria. “Was there hummus? I bet there was hummus. Everyone just sitting round and chillin, showing pictures of their kids and stuff. Sounds great. Well don’t mind us, we will just go back...
![Saudi Prince Promotes “Turkish-type Consulate” Peace Plan]()
During his official visit to Pakistan Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman has invited his hosts to join him and Indian negotiators at the Saudi consulate of their choice for what he has dubbed ‘an introduction to enhanced negotiation techniques.’ A spokesman for the Crown Prince commented, “His Majesty has always felt that when tensions are at their highest the best thing to do is to invite all the parties to the dispute to a sit down and a nice cup...
![Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp]()
“Guilty,” said the Israeli judge, relaying the verdict of two Palestinian teens that stood accused of carrying out a terror attack that left several Israelis wounded. The teens, who make up the worst duo since Milli Vanilli, didn’t react to their verdict until they heard the sentence. “We were mentally prepared to spend time in an Israeli prison,” one teen told the press, “But… the punishment they gave us… it’s much, much worse.” The Israeli court decided that the pair...
