War
ISIS Blames Low Poll Numbers on “Terrorist Harassment”
An ISIS spokesman today complained that only a constant pattern of “fake news” was holding their global poll numbers down in what he called “terrorist harassment”. “We’re just doing all these amazing things around worldwide jihad. Chopping off heads, blowing shit up, keeping the infidels in a constant state of panic. But we just constantly struggle to get our numbers above 50%. We blame the Western media with their constant barrage of articles suggesting that mass carnage and bloodshed are ‘a...
Hamas Tunnellers Admit They’re Only Digging to Meet Israeli Girls
A number of the men digging Hamas’ terror tunnels recently confirmed The Mideast Beast’s suspicion that most entered the highly dangerous field mainly in the hope of meeting Israeli girls. “All the time the imams tell us about how Israel is just a den of iniquity and sin,” one digger who preferred we not use his name, told TMB. “Who wouldn’t want some of that action?” A pasty-faced 14-year old who spends 18-hours a day digging admitted to a similar motivation....
Experts Confirm War in Yemen Would Worsen with Fewer Bombs
Analysts have agreed with the views of Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, that cutting off the supply of American high explosives to the Saudi Air Force would make the lives of Yemeni civilians immeasurably less bearable. A spokesman for the Department of Defense commented, “You have to understand the average Yemeni now has very little access to free entertainment. The excitement and wonder caused by the sudden roar of a fighter-bomber overhead coupled with the...
ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”
ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average Americans don’t even know on which continent to start looking. Blow up the USS Cole and watch as the hapless...
Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’
A severe shortage of suitable ‘throwing stones’ in the West Bank has caused a panic in recent weeks. Citing natural erosion – and decades of stone-throwing by teenagers who should have been in school –Palestinian Authority officials have declared a state of emergency in various cities and towns throughout the West Bank, leaving the IDF and the international community asking: what will they throw next? Speaking to The Mideast Beast, 12-year-old Usman Abu Rahman said, “Without stones to throw, I’m more depressed than ever. Throwing stones at...
ISIS Disappointed to Find Few Middle Easterners in Caravan
With a caravan of Latin American migrants finally reaching the US border, leaders of the Syria-based terrorist group ISIS are reportedly disappointed to see few potential supporters in the group. “We were so excited when Supreme Leader Trump promised that there were criminals and unknown Middle Easterners making their way into the land of the infidels,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “We thought when these mujahedeen finally made it to the border, there would be jihad all over the place.”...
ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’
Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus, most...
Khashoggi Probably Not a Real Person, Trump Says
In another effort to absolve the Saudi regime of the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, US President Donald Trump now says that the Washington Post journalist was “probably not even a real person anyway.” “Listen, we have no proof that this Jamal Pierogi (sic) guy even existed,” Trump said after the CIA released a report concluding that Khashoggi did exist and that his murder was ordered by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. “I mean, maybe he was and maybe he...
Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...
Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”
A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep the Jewish People safe from a bunch of anti-tank wielding fanatics and what thanks do I get?” “Sweet fuck all!...
Small Suspicion Jared Peace Plan not Working
Leaders in the Middle East have expressed a small but nagging suspicion that President Trump’s son-in-law may not be the greatest peace negotiator to ever walk the earth. Rebecca Aarons of the Israeli Center for ‘Will You Just Stop Doing That Because I Swear We are Going To Come Over and You Are Going to Regret It’, commented, “It’s not that I don’t trust the President when he says that a real estate developer with a frankly mixed record and...
Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers
Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...
The Mideast Beast Presents the Fill-in-the-Blank Israeli-Palestinian Conflict News Template
Are you a reporter who finds reporting the news on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict incredibly tedious and unvaried? Does it seem like every news story you write sounds the same, offering little-to-no varied perspective or alternative context? Fortunately for you, our idiot brilliant writers at The Mideast Beast have created a template so you can take your reporting to even lazier and shallower levels! Just fill in the blanks and you can report on anything! Date Line: Jerusalem, Israel or Al-Quds,...
Bacon Sandwiches Encourage Israeli-Palestinian Peace
International peace efforts for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict were recently given a boost by the introduction of bacon sandwiches to the breakfast buffet in Cairo. Dore Steinwitz, professional Israeli apologist, commented, “these are mental! Why did no one ever tell me about these before? I admit that since the invention of the refrigerator, I’ve been a little hazy on the need for the ‘no pig’ rules. But I never realized how batshit crazy they tasted. To be honest I’d be willing to open...
Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides
Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation over his support for US President Donald Trump. “Aggrieved young men from middle class backgrounds who are insecure about their masculinity,...
“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits
HEAVEN — On Thursday evening, God acknowledged that a negotiated settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict “is not in the cards” during his remaining time in power. “While God believes steps can be taken to minimize violence and perhaps set the table for future negotiations, He has determined that a final status agreement is beyond reach for the foreseeable future,” one of God’s senior advisors told The Mideast Beast. “At this point, God’s goal is simply to preserve the possibility of a...
War Reporters Disappointed to Learn That Yemen Just Always Looked Like That
Arriving in Sana’a, Yemen, 24-hour cable news reporters thought they’d struck gold. As CNN’s Bud Fugg explained, “The whole place is totally destroyed. Ruins! What visuals!” Yet as Fugg and his colleagues began collecting footage and talking to locals, they were disappointed to learn that this was pretty much how the city always looked. “Turns out,” reported a mournful Fugg, “that the place has always been a massive shit hole.” Other reporters told of similar experiences. “My guy is filming this...
Yemen: “We Think Some of Our Reporters Have Been Killed by Saudis Too”
Yemen has tentatively raised its hand and coughed, as the world has lost its collective mind over one journalist. “Hi, excuse me, sorry to interrupt. Sorry to be a nuisance. I’m not sure whether any of you had a chance to glance at the latest UN report? Well if you haven’t, we can summarize for you. So, 14 million of us are now facing ‘pre-famine conditions’, and we’re pretty sure that in that number were at least half a dozen...
ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’
Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out. Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...
ISIS Can’t Believe They Forgot to Send Bombs to Republicans
With Americans divided over a series of mail bombs sent to left-wing political figures, ISIS leaders that greenlit the coordinated bombing campaign are kicking themselves over their failure to also send bombs to Republicans. “How could we forget to make sure our victims were bipartisan?” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi complained. “We got so excited about sending bombs to George Soros, President Obama, CNN and a bunch of other infidels that we completely missed the fact that they all happened...