War

Israel Suspected Behind Death of Top Iranian Nunchuck Specialist
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Israel Suspected Behind Death of Top Iranian Nunchuck Specialist

In another blow to Iran’s weapons programs, the country’s leading designer of nunchucks has been assassinated, with Israel suspected of carrying out the operation. Basir Latifi, the mastermind behind Iran’s advanced nunchuck program, was gunned down while exiting his car in downtown Tehran. Though no group or country has officially taken responsibility, the gunmen were seen wearing kippot (skull caps)...

Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests
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Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests

New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo has claimed responsibility for the assassination of top Iranian nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, telling reporters he had no choice but to order the killing after he learned that Fakhrizadeh planned to host more than ten guests at a dinner party that evening. Cuomo said intelligence sources inside Iran witnessed the scientist pickup up a...

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business
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Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon.com is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, stroked his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this...

UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again
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UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again

In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, underpaid...

ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative
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ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognized the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be...

France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists
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France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists

Following the terrorist attacks in Paris last November, which claimed 129 lives, the recent capture of suspect Salah Abdeslam, and the most recent attack in Nice killing over 80 people, French President François Hollande announced his intention of finding his inner-Robespierre and employing the guillotine to execute ISIS or ISIS-linked terrorists. “While we have not beheaded anyone in a really, really...

Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen
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Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen

In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...

Armenia, Azerbaijan Agree to Truce After Kendall Jenner Shows Up with Pepsi
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Armenia, Azerbaijan Agree to Truce After Kendall Jenner Shows Up with Pepsi

A truce has been reached in the conflict over Nagorno-Karabakh, as both Armenia and Azerbaijan agreed to a ceasefire after reality television star Kendall Jenner arrived at the battlefield with Pepsi. Armenian and Azerbaijani troops were lined up across from each other on the battlefield, with each country’s forces waiting for the other to fire the first shot. But seconds...

Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons
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Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons

In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a scare tactic. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invade Lebanon
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Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invade Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, and just prior to maritime border talks with the Lebanese government, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Sunday morning (GMT+2). Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah remains stretched thin,...

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven
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ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing...

Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour
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Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour

The ever-active Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is still at it, this time taking the ‘Fight for 15’ to what remains of the Caliphate, demanding that the Islamic State pay a living wage of $15.00 an hour to its mujahideen (Jihadis) in Iraq and Syria. “These fighters work very hard, very long hours, in a very dangerous job, and yet they...

Biden Noncommittal on Launching Drone Strike Against Supreme Court
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Biden Noncommittal on Launching Drone Strike Against Supreme Court

Insisting that he did not want to see the question become an issue in the upcoming presidential election, former Vice President Joe Biden refused Saturday to reveal whether he plans to authorize a drone strike against the US Supreme Court. Since the death of Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Biden has faced increasing pressure to commit to taking out the...

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols
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Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it...

US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan
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US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan

Despite promising to withdraw the majority of the troops stationed in Afghanistan at varying points during his presidency, Trump has ordered thousands of troops to remain in the country, due to increased Taliban presence.  While this decision may have had more detractors a few months ago, everyone suddenly seems very supportive of the decision. Most of the troops that The...

Erdogan, Khamenei to Resolve Azerbaijan-Armenia Dispute in Cage Match
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Erdogan, Khamenei to Resolve Azerbaijan-Armenia Dispute in Cage Match

Looking to avoid a proxy fight that would cost the lives of hundreds or thousands of soldiers and civilians, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei have agreed to resolve the dispute between Armenia and Azerbaijan through a steel cage match between the two leaders. If Erdogan wins the match by either pinning his opponent or...

9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits
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9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits

Al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001 were not intended as an act of terrorism but were in fact a failed attempt at a dramatic gender reveal, senior leaders of the terror group acknowledged. The now-waterlogged al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, was looking to announce the sex of his daughter, Safiyah,...

Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys
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Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys

Democratic congresswomen Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib have begrudgingly come out in support of the far-right anti-government “Boogaloo Boys” movement after members of the group were arrested for providing material support for Hamas. Omar and Tlaib, sporting Hawaiian shirts and camouflage pants, announced their backing of the group in a press conference Tuesday. “We aren’t fans of their white supremacy...

Assad Considering a Return to Ophthalmology
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Assad Considering a Return to Ophthalmology

After a week of introspection, Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad has announced that despite the genuine criminal effort he put into clinging to power, he’s experiencing career burnout and will be returning to his ophthalmic practice in London by the end of this year. During the press conference the dictator stated that although he loves his country, he’s been fighting off...