War

Palestinians Hire Kevin McCallister to Train in Anti-Occupation Resistance
,

Palestinians Hire Kevin McCallister to Train in Anti-Occupation Resistance

Looking to finally achieve independence, the Palestinian Authority has hired Chicago resident Kevin McCallister to advise the government on how to resist occupation against a stronger invading force. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas reached out to McCallister after seeing how he fought off attempts by a crime duo known as the “Wet Bandits,” first in his family’s home outside Chicago and...

ISIS-K Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’
,

ISIS-K Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

Santa Claus is being held by ISIS-K fighters in Afghanistan, as the Islamic State in the Khorasan Province is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS-K fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s...

Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages
,

Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages

HEAVEN — A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical...

US Officials Panic as Syria Masses Camels on Jordanian Border

US Officials Panic as Syria Masses Camels on Jordanian Border

American security officials are now facing yet another international crisis, as Syria has positioned tens of thousands of camels on its border with Jordan, raising concerns that it might be planning an invasion. The threat leaves the Biden administration facing crises in the Middle East and in Europe, where Russia has sent 175,000 troops to the border with Ukraine. But...

Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron
,

Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron

Dr. Anthony Fauci, chief medical advisor to President Joe Biden, has issued a Fatwa, or Islamic decree, against Omicron, the newest coronavirus variant to threaten the West. “After consulting with prominent alternative medicine experts like Grand Sheikh Ahmed el-Tayeb, Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, and Rep. Ilhan Omar, I realized that a Fatwa is the only way to defeat Covid-19 once and...

ISIS Announces Plot to Cross State Lines
,

ISIS Announces Plot to Cross State Lines

Looking to re-enter relevance in the United States, the Islamic State terrorist group announced that it plans to commit the most horrific crime known to man: crossing state lines. ISIS leaders said they were unaware that traveling from one state to the other was such a heinous offense until they saw scores of journalists, activists, and celebrities calling for Kyle...

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

PESHAWAR — Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden over 10 years ago, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved...

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields
, ,

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy...

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area restaurant in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or...

Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance
,

Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance

In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...

Taliban Appoints Carole Baskin Defense Secretary

Taliban Appoints Carole Baskin Defense Secretary

Hopes that the Taliban would show a gentler, less evil face their second time in power were dashed Wednesday, as the Afghan militant group appointed alleged murderer and Tiger King star Carole Baskin to lead the military. Baskin, who is suspected of killing her husband and feeding him to tigers in 1997, said she will show mercy to resistance fighters...

Breaking: Taliban Now Controls 12 Working McFlurry Machines Left Behind by U.S. Troops

Breaking: Taliban Now Controls 12 Working McFlurry Machines Left Behind by U.S. Troops

In another embarrassment for the United States, it was revealed on Monday that U.S. Troops left behind a dozen extremely rare, fully functional McDonald’s McFlurry machines in a hangar at Bagram Air Base. The machines were quickly seized by militants. As the Federal Trade Commission investigates why most McFlurry machines in America are currently broken, the oppressive and misogynistic Taliban...

‘I Was on Ambien When I Pulled Out of Afghanistan,’ Biden Says

‘I Was on Ambien When I Pulled Out of Afghanistan,’ Biden Says

Seeking to deflect blame for the disastrous US withdrawal from Afghanistan, President Joe Biden now says he had taken the sleeping aid Ambien before planning the hasty withdrawal from the country. “I’m not heartless, just an idiot,” Biden tweeted. “I mixed up my pills before meeting with the generals about Afghanistan and took Ambien instead of my Donepezil. By the...