War

40 Years after Iraq Nuclear Reactor Bombing, Israel Accidentally Destroys Iran’s Nuclearized Rice Factories
Iran, Israel, War

40 Years after Iraq Nuclear Reactor Bombing, Israel Accidentally Destroys Iran’s Nuclearized Rice Factories

Marking 40 years since the Israeli bombing of the French-made Iraqi nuclear reactor Osirak, apparently the Israel Air Force mistakenly wiped out Iran’s controversial subterranean nuclearized rice factories. The Israel Air Force commander Amikam Norkin spoke to The Mideast Beast about the dramatic accident. “Last night, approximately one hundred Israeli F-35, F-15 and F-16 fighter jets had gathered for a...

IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’
Ceasefire, Israel-Palestine, War

IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’

JERUSALEM — In the latest attempt to prevent any further fighting between Gaza and Israel, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) has been authorized to conduct ‘Operation Dictionary’. Guaranteed to delight definition-loving Hamas and Islamic Jihad fighters, The Mideast Beast has learned that Israeli forces will begin carpet bombing the areas with the books starting 07:00 Friday morning. Each specially designed...

Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria
Israel-Palestine, Russia, War

Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria

In response to the Gaza conflict, Russia’s Foreign Ministry has warned the Israeli Ambassador in Moscow that further “civilian casualties are unacceptable outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria.” The senior Russian official Nikolaj Migchik blasted Israel’s “excessive” military operations in Gaza. “I’m shocked. More than 200 people have been killed in Gaza, mostly innocent masked children in their 20s with Kalashnikovs...

After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza
Israel, Terror Tunnels, War

After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza

The State of Israel has surprisingly decided to build terror tunnels into the Gaza Strip. The unconventional decision by Jerusalem comes after the British government urged Israel to ensure “proportionality” in its military actions in Gaza. “Israel must make every effort to avoid civilian casualties and military activity must be proportionate,” said the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s spokesman Max...

Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means
Israel-Palestine, Politics, War

Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means

In the wake of Israel-Hamas ceasefire talks, Hamas has admitted that they never really understood the definition of ‘ceasefire’. “We always thought that it meant ‘say you’ll stop but carry on launching rockets as usual'”, one spokesman for the Gaza-based Islamist group admitted. “You see, we weren’t really paying attention in the first negotiation meeting years ago and we’ve been...

CNN Criticizes Iron Dome Attacks Against ‘Mostly Peaceful Rockets’
Israel-Palestine, War

CNN Criticizes Iron Dome Attacks Against ‘Mostly Peaceful Rockets’

Accusing Israel’s missile defense system of unprovoked aggression, CNN has come out against Iron Dome’s violent attacks on “mostly peaceful rockets” fired by Hamas from the Gaza Strip. Noting that the vast majority of the hundreds of rockets launched at Israeli towns and cities landed uneventfully in empty fields, CNN anchor Don Lemon pointed out that the Iron Dome batteries...

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide
Politics, War

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide

Following President Biden’s recognition and condemnation of the 100-year-old genocide, former US President Donald Trump took to the internet to insist that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump wrote on his new website. “Not all the Ottomans who...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien
Ambien, Israel, UN, War

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for the recent rocket-fire hitting southern Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for firing rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,”...

Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars
Politics, Technology, War

Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars

Following the successful launch and landing of his SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket last month, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the entire Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing...

Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure
Politics, US, War

Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden has begun building bipartisan support for his infrastructure plan after the administration clarified to Republicans that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” is included in his expansive definition of infrastructure. Republicans initially vowed to oppose the more than $2 trillion proposal, arguing that it included mostly non-infrastructure spending. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s reinforced this perception when she...

Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”
Politics, War

Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”

While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...

Biden Declares War on Iran After Ayatollah Reads ‘The Cat in the Hat’
Education, War

Biden Declares War on Iran After Ayatollah Reads ‘The Cat in the Hat’

President Joe Biden has withdrawn his offer to enter nuclear talks with the Islamic Republic of Iran and officially declared war after Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei read the Dr. Seuss classic ‘The Cat in the Hat’ at a Friday sermon. The sermon started innocently enough, with the Ayatollah declaring “Death to America” and “Death to Israel,” and promising to hang...

Biden Embarrassed to Learn Navy SEALs Not Actually Aquatic Mammals
Politics, War

Biden Embarrassed to Learn Navy SEALs Not Actually Aquatic Mammals

From the vault: a TMB #ThrowBackThursday After the identity of the Navy SEAL who claims to have killed Osama bin Laden was revealed as Montana resident Robert O’Neill, Vice President Joe Biden was devastated to discover that the elite military unit was comprised almost entirely of humans and that the U.S. military did not employ any actual seals in combat. “During...