War
Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’
The Gaza-based Palestinian Islamist group Hamas chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message comes more than two months after an outbreak of violence led to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants we normally only see when Ahmed’s chugging the fermented goat’s milk.” “Listen, we love hearing people rip on those Jews...
UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Fire Kites
The United Nations General Assembly issued a resolution Monday condemning Israeli farmers for damaging Palestinian flaming kites, which Gazans have been sending over the border into southern Israel, causing millions of dollars in damages to Israel’s agricultural economy. According to the United Nations, the kites are often damaged upon impact before the Israeli fields burst into flames. “In a typical case of disproportionate Israeli aggression, Israeli farmers are now using their gigantic fields of various agricultural products to destroy significantly...
U.S. Dad Excited to Find Internet’s Cheapest Family Cruise off Somali Coast
A local dad from Gary, Indiana named Doug Seaver is stoked to have found what he is reporting to be “the best deal in the history of the Internet.” He reportedly scored five tickets for a family cruise off the coast of Somalia, plus airfare, all for just $17.99. “When I saw this deal I was stunned. My wife asked if I’m buying tickets for our two teenage daughters and newborn baby and I was like ‘what do you think I’m an...
Wounds of Terror, Laughter that Heals, and a Mr. Potato Head Fetish
Go straight to Sound Cloud for Kay Wilson’s amazing interview. If you faked your own death and survived, what would your real life look like after that? On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone gets in bed (literally) with Kay Wilson, survivor of a brutal terrorist attack. Clearly using humor to cope with reality, Wilson is, no joke, fighting against western monies funding terrorist groups, friending the supposed enemy, and admittedly still playing with Mr....
Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”
RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...
PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists
The Israeli parliament’s decision to bring forward legislation to financially penalize the Palestinian Authority by the amount they pay out to families of terrorists, has led to a call for compromise by the West Bank leadership. “We get it, honestly. We understand why the Israelis might be a bit pissed with us for dishing out dollars to encourage more stabbings”, a spokesman said. “But, not all our guys are that bad, Zionist-killing aside of course. More than one of them...
Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Due to escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?” Despite heavy media attention on Israel, a deeper analysis has uncovered that the...
British Protests, Violence Mark 242 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans celebrate the 242nd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...
Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALs Ever Think About Them
During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALs still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALs hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump took office, they were looking forward to more midnight raids by special operations forces, but since January they’ve been feeling…...
ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’
In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve looked to consolidate our position in the face of stiffened resistance from the US and its local lackeys.” “It was...
God Announces “Israel-Palestine 2”
Descending from the heavens, God has touched down on Earth to announce a new, massive-real-life-multiplayer gaming experience known as Israel-Palestine 2. Flanked by lead developers and producers, Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad, God explained, “We feel that it’s time for a reboot. Things in Israel-Palestine 1 have started getting a little stale. Don’t get us wrong, everybody still loves the ’48 war, the Suez multiplayer map, and the Yom Kippur ‘hardcore’ levels. We did feel like the Lebanon levels were a...
ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials
Mohammad al-Adnani, the official spokesman of ISIS and one of its most senior members, has died in Syria, reportedly as a result of an online Facebook exchange. “Brother al-Adani suffered a nervous breakdown after trying to recruit a couple of students from Portland, Oregon. Whilst promoting Jihad, his message was drowned out by the snotty little gamers who spend their days throwing a Frisbee, dressing like Superman and singing along to carpool Karaoke. After enduring six hours of whining about...
UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen
While nobody knows what the hell is going to happen at the upcoming summit between President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, the United Nations has already blamed Israel for the breakdown of the talks which are yet to occur. The latest UN General Assembly Resolution has declared that “the blame for the fallout at the summit yet to actually happen, the onset of World War Three and subsequent nuclear holocaust must squarely be placed on Israel.” Iran’s representative...
Hamas Seeks Humanitarian Aid to Purchase a DeLorean
Hamas spokesman Marti Ibn Zvuv talks candidly with The Mideast Beast (TMB) about success, failure, and hopes for the past. TMB: With huge support from the UN and world media, you must be pleased with the outcome of your recent activities MIZ: Actually, we are still suffering. Seems that we can’t put money into trying to destroy Israel and provide for our people simultaneously. TMB: Why a time machine? MIZ: Since the 2005 Israeli disengagement, our living standard has plummeted. Frankly, we weren’t prepared to rule...
Al Qaeda Jihadis Undergo “Racial Bias Training”
Following accusations of racially biased terrorist operations, Al Qaeda closed all branches yesterday afternoon for jihadis to undergo ‘racial bias training’. The move was described by a senior member of the organization as “necessary to adapt to a globalized world.” “We believe that those who aren’t Muslims or Muslims who aren’t Sunnis or Sunni Muslims who refuse to pledge allegiance to our organization or Sunni Muslims who did pledge allegiance to our organization but later expressed an opinion to be...
Israel-Hamas Trade War Looms Over Steel and Aluminum Used in Rockets
The boring conventional war between Israel and Hamas is set to escalate into a thrilling trade war, with each side accusing the other of unfair trading standards. Following President Trump’s decision to impose tariffs on steel and aluminum imports, Israel has decided to raise the issue that the metal products which make up Hamas’ rockets constitute a gross overreach in such exports, threatening Israel’s domestic producers. “Currently, we aren’t imposing any tariffs whatsoever on those flying tubes of metal and, frankly,...
Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza
Officials from Hamas are meeting later this week to discuss the finer points of slaughtering Jews. Representatives from the political and military branches, as well as religious authorities, are debating the possibility of implementing Halal butchering methods when stabbing Jews, whether male or female. In a speech, Mahmoud al-Bashiri, a Hamas leader explained, “We must consider adopting Halal methods when we finally slaughter all the Jews. It is widely accepted that the Jews are animals and thus we must take...
Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven
According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious: despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in painful sores, and going to the toilet is excruciating,” relayed Shapiro. According to Shapiro – who learnt Arabic from her...
ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’
Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out. Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...
Netanyahu Criticizes Hamas for Harming Israeli Bullets
Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has publicly condemned the 62 Palestinians killed during the rioting on the Gazan border. Speaking to the press, Netanyahu said “These Arab rioters should feel ashamed for disrupting the travels of these brave, innocent Jewish bullets on their way through Gaza. Those bullets were simply minding their own business when they were ruthlessly assaulted by Hamas operatives trying to destroy Israel with rocks and kites.” Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri shot back at Netanyahu, commenting, “Those...