War
Gazans Officially Run Out of Things to Set Fire To
Following weeks of protests and riots along the Gaza border with Israel as part of their “March of Return”, one Hamas spokesman has announced that Gaza has officially run out of things to set fire to, and has declared a state of emergency. “It’s official”, the spokesman said in a statement, “we’ve literally run out of things to burn. We’ve got nothing, zilch, nada. Frankly, this is a disaster as it will leave tens of thousands of Gazans even more...
Hamas Officially Changes Name to ‘Unarmed Protestors’
The Palestinian Islamic Resistance Movement, previously known as Hamas, has agreed to change its name to “Unarmed Protestors,” saving scores of newspaper editors and humans rights organizations from being forced to issue corrections. The name change comes after Hamas admitted that most Palestinians killed last week on the Gaza border were members of the militant group, contradicting claims in publications like the Washington Post as well as from politicians including Bernie Sanders. Media and other organizations that had criticized Israel for...
Laurel and Yanny Mideast Style
In one of the latest viral internet stories, a recording of the word “Laurel” is heard by many as “Yanny”. While the original recording was actually “Laurel”, the alternate version can be heard if the individual has a deficiency hearing certain frequencies, or if certain frequency information is deliberately lowered and others are intentionally increased. A number of similar phrases have been identified in the Middle East, including “We will take down the border and we will tear their hearts...
Trump on Gaza Border Killings: “We Could’ve Killed Twice That Many in Half the Time.”
While many world leaders have been quick to condemn the killing of nearly 60 Palestinian protestors at the Gaza border, President Donald Trump has not only defended the action but has even gone so far as to say it was insufficient. Late Tuesday evening he tweeted, “If anything, Israel has been too soft on the Palestinians. We could’ve killed twice that many, in half the time. Sad!” The following morning, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the president’s...
Hamas Denounces Tyrants for Stealing Headlines, World’s Attention
In a rare outburst, the leaders of Gaza have harsh words against Syria’s President Assad. When asked if this was because of the thousands of Palestinians killed by the Syrian regime including dozens during the recent the bombing of the Yarmouk refugee camp, Ismail Haniyeh replied “Sure there’s that. But we’re really pissed about his chemical weapon attacks at the time of our protests stealing our headlines”. He continued: “We’ve been working for weeks trying to get enough Palestinians killed or injured to get on the front...
IDF to transfer Palestinian Sewage System to Terror Tunnels
In an amicable gesture of peace and cooperation, Prime Minister Netanyahu is expected to announce the transfer of all Palestinian civilian sewage responsibility directly to Hamas’ expertly engineered terror tunnels. This olive branch, a giant leap forward in Israeli-Palestinian relations, seeks to mimic the same working relationship that Israel shares with Jordan. Netanyahu’s office released a supportive message on the matter: “It is important for Hamas to develop a strong sense of self-sustainability. What better way to promote a job...
ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change
ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately. All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah. “The Islamic State is committing all its resources to the defeat of climate change.” Mr. da-Mullah then drew his scimitar and...
Al-Qaeda “Definitely Not Doing Anything These Days”
Speaking to The Mideast Beast, al-Qaeda has confirmed that they are absolutely, positively not doing anything these days. Muhammad Babaganoush al-Sadiki, an al-Qaeda commander in Syria, commented, “Nope, not really up to anything these days. Just farming, and chilling, and not raising money or making chemical weapons. Expand into India? That’s crazy. What would we be doing in Yemen? We’ve never even been to North Africa! And don’t worry, we’re also definitely not putting aside our religious beliefs to work with...
Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up
The Israel Defense Force (IDF) is reportedly giddy with excitement that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is putting on its big boy shoes and coming out to play. As rockets rained down on the Golan Heights, soldiers were seen high-fiving each other whilst applying ‘Next Stop Tehran’ stickers to the turrets of their tanks. A senior officer commented, “We’ve checked Google Maps this morning, and it seems a pretty straight forward route. We anticipate some delays around the Baghdad ring road, but only...
Kerry to Help Iran Build Nuclear Weapon Through ‘Shadow Enrichment’
Vowing to finish what he started as Secretary of State, John Kerry is reportedly studying nuclear fission with the aim of building an atomic bomb for the Iranian regime. After hearing that US President Donald Trump was likely to exit the nuclear deal he helped negotiate, Kerry ordered several textbooks on nuclear physics before booking a one-way ticket to Tehran. The Mideast Beast caught up with Kerry at the Fordow enrichment plant outside Qom, where he was furiously attempting to...
IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’
JERUSALEM — In the latest attempt to prevent any further fighting in the north and in the south, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) has been authorized to conduct ‘Operation Dictionary’. Guaranteed to delight definition-loving Hamas and Hezbollah fighters, The Mideast Beast has learned that Israeli forces will begin carpet bombing the areas with the books starting 07:00 tomorrow. Each specially designed low-drag, English-Arabic edition will come with a bookmark in the C-section with the word “ceasefire” highlighted in green marker pen. RELATED: IDF Hands Out...
Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys
Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys. West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President and asserting his autonomous right to free thought. The sudden support by West has rocked Black America’s political opinion, especially...
Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively in Social Media
As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: The next war will be fought exclusively over social media channels. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF official. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging in our strategic arsenal, and Hamas now has what everyone accepts is a brilliant Instagram account #nofilter, #thatsnotarocketintheplayground. This next...
Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools
Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach all Israeli cities, but that ultimately this was a failed strategy. He continued, “the rockets that we launch into Israel...
Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code
The Mideast Beast can exclusively reveal that the world-renowned Israeli intelligence agency, the Mossad, has plans to up its game and improve its spying capabilities by using new and innovative intelligence methods, including using Pig Latin as its new secret code. “We’ve been slacking lately”, a source told The Mideast Beast. “We haven’t really made any progress on the covert intelligence front for a few years now and most of our complex algorithms have been cracked by Iranian or Russian...
Nicaraguan Protesters Contact Mahmoud Abbas for Expert Rioting Advice
Nicaraguan protestors are turning to a new leader, who is an expert in attempts to suppress corrupt government oppression in a crap country where no one really wants to be anyway. “Abbas is the face of the longest-lasting civil protest of our time,” protestor Julio Gonzalez de la Peña stated between rounds of tear gas and pepper spray. “And it is our right as a disgruntled nation full of political corruption and little-to-no natural resources to protest.” As far as...
Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...
Netanyahu Really Counting on Iran
According to sources, Netanyahu is counting on the Iranians to pull through for him right now. An anonymous aide told The Mideast Beast, “You know with the cigar thing, the submarine thing, the news thing, the telecom thing all starting to heat up, he was really hoping a new war with Iran could shift the tide. There’s nothing like a good war to distract from a totally fake corruption scandal!” Another aide explained, “After the Syrians shot down that jet, we...
ISIS Plans to Strike US in ‘Operation Loiter in Starbucks’
In an attack that could cripple the US economy and the American way of life, the Islamic State plans to send terrorists to Starbucks locations across the country and occupy seats without making a purchase. Memos from ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to the group’s US sleeper cells describe the strike as the “9/11 of loitering,” as agents will spend hours in the coffee chain’s most comfortable seats without buying so much as a bottle of water. Not only would...
Parkland Crisis Actors Demanding Double Time for Syria Work
The Parkland professional acting troop, unofficial motto, “You Shoot, We Cry”, have been in talks through their agents on requiring extensive overtime payments for their recent work in Douma, Syria. A spokesperson for the group commented, “We’ve been flat out these past weeks and we simply feel that our commitment to our craft needs to be recognized by our Zionist/Anti 2A/Deep State masters”. “Frankly, being required to jet over to Syria on short notice to roll around in the rubble...