War
BDS Expands After Learning Rest of Middle East Also Treats Palestinians Like Shit
Supporters of the Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions (BDS) campaign announced that they are widening the scope of their movement after learning that Palestinians are treated like shit across the Middle East and the rest of the world. “When we were told we had to boycott Israel, we thought that it was because of Israel’s treatment of Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza,” one recent convert to the BDS movement explained. “Then we read all about [Syrian President Bashar] Assad’s slaughter of Palestinians...
United States Proceeds to Storm out of Lunchroom After Turkey Scores a Lunchable from Russia
After they noticed Turkey accepting a Lunchable from Russia, the United States reportedly threw a lunch tray and ran out of the cafeteria while stopping to shove Montenegro into the salad bar. In the hallway, looking flustered, the United States explained that it was just “so typical” of Turkey, and that Russia had made a gesture to them under the table before the U.S. decided to leave. “I always help Turkey out if they’re missing lunch, ask anyone, they’re just...
Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts
JERUSALEM — Due to always-escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel, while some actually have nothing to do with the Jewish State at all. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?”...
ISIS Abandons Qur’an For Being Too Peaceful, Adopts Gospel According To Wile E. Coyote
After constant accusations of not truly representing Islam, thus leading to the downfall of its faux Caliphate, the Islamic State has decided that the Qur’an will no longer be the guiding force to their movement. The militant radicals will instead follow the far more violent scripture of mid 20th century American cartoons. Following visits from Acme missionaries to the Middle East, the Islamic State learned about the prophet Wile E. Coyote and his many sacrifices for the sake of violence....
British Protests, Violence Mark 243 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans celebrate the 243rd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed...
Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages
A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical Islamists has rendered the hereafter utopia struggling to meet the demand of rising numbers of fanatical militants killed in the name of...
Al-Baghdadi Disappoints at First Caliphate Debate
ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s disappointing performance in the first Caliphate debate has opened the door for the other candidates in the 2020 Caliph race, as Baghdadi was hammered by his opponents for his soft stands on religious minorities, execution and women’s rights. Baghdadi, who entered the debate with a large lead in the polls after restoring the Islamic Caliphate, touted his success in his first term in office. “Are you better off now than you were four years ago?”...
Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise
Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 76 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic male martyr would have, but instead of the 72 virgins the Quran promises us, I only got 55,” said Hayat...
Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion
THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, FLORIDA — Calling it a breeding ground for terrorism and a threat to national security, US President Donald Trump said shutting down the Morocco Pavilion in Disney World’s Epcot theme park is his next priority. “Why did President Obama let a country full of Muslim jihadis occupy American soil in Orlando?” Trump wrote in an early morning tweet. “This is why America is LOSING! SAD!” Trump, who once promised to ban all Muslims from travelling to the U.S., said he...
Trump Vows to Avenge Pilot of Drone Shot Down by Iran
Apparently unaware that the drone destroyed by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards was unmanned, US President Donald Trump praised the “brave and patriotic pilot senselessly killed” and promised payback would be swift. Puzzlingly, Trump even said that he had spoken to the family of the pilot to offer his condolences. “They told me, Donald, you are doing a tremendous job, crooked Hillary never would have called us,” Trump recalled. “We are going to make Iran pay, believe me. Now if he...
Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows
The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, 1912, the Titanic ‘accidentally’ struck an iceberg, killing 1,517 passengers. The Titanic never reached its destination. Because of THE ZIONISTS. What many people don’t know...
ISIS Leaders Reveal ‘Secrets’, Joining Trump in New Age of Transparency
Following the lead from the US President, terror cell leaders are striving to become much more open regarding their future plans. From their last holdouts across Syria, ISIS are leading the new wave of sharing. In an online video posted yesterday a spokesman for the group stood in front of a large white board clearly indicating the groups location, composition and plans for breakfast. “We admit that we are struggling right now and our previous policy of complete secrecy was...
Al Qaeda Severs Ties with Boeing
Following a series of incidents involving Boeing 737 Max 8 airliners, Al Qaeda announced they will no longer be using American made aircraft in their terrorist attacks. “It kind of sucks,” said a spokesman of the organization. “We were just going to start up the hijacking thing again. With ISIS taking the spotlight on the ground, we really didn’t need Boeing stealing our thunder in the sky. Pun unintended. Word play is for infidels.” The grounded terrorists said that they...
Trump Vows to Make Iran Pay for Associating with U.S. Enemies Like European Union and Barack Obama
Over the course of his campaign, President Trump made it clear that he intended to deal with the Iranian regime by utilizing the same skills he used to pay someone else to write The Art of the Deal. But a few years on, he has discovered that the Iranian regime won’t just follow your lead like a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe while boarding Air Force One. Sources have indicated that tensions with Iran are intensifying, making...
Iran Threatens to Suspend Nuclear Weapons Treaty Clauses “For Purely Peaceful Purposes”
Following Iran’s threats to withdraw from select aspects of the controversial nuclear agreement, the Islamic Republic has insisted, once again, that its nuclear programme is for purely peaceful purposes. “Our decision to keep surplus uranium stocks and further develop our heavy-water nuclear reactor at Arak has nothing whatsoever to do with our relentless war on the Zionists or the Great Satan that is the United States”, one Iranian official said. “Just because these things could be used to create and fuel...
Trump Challenges Iranian Leader to Winner-Take-All Game of Battleship
In another dramatic foreign policy development, US President Donald Trump has threatened to annihilate Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei in Hasbro’s classic board game ‘Battleship.’ In a tweet that reportedly stunned the president’s generals and top advisors, Trump offered to withdraw all military forces from the Middle East and turn over the entire US nuclear arsenal to Iran if the Ayatollah beats him in a winner-take-all Battleship match. “I have a very big brain and no (sic) more about war...
Israel-Gaza Ceasefire Announced to Celebrate Royal Baby
Citizens in Israel and Gaza were grateful this week for an agreed ceasefire in celebration of the new British Royal Baby. Sources have confirmed that Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Prime Minister Netanyahu met in person following their synchronized CNN blasts that Megan was indeed in labor, before formally announcing the brief hiatus this morning under the moniker Operation Silver Spoon. The meeting allegedly discussed whether the baby would be a boy or a girl, if they would be satisfied...
Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’
In light of the very “shooty” Israeli response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, Hamas and Islamic Jihad are claiming that hundreds of rockets have been fired “by mistake” and that they are simply “really clumsy.” “This is all one big misunderstanding,” said one terrified Hamas member crouching in an underground tunnel as Israel shelled targets above. “We never meant to fire any rockets. I myself tripped up on a rocket while I was herding sheep. It was lying...
As The Philippines Declares War on Canada Over Garbage, Middle East Reconsiders Reasons For Conflict
Following Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte’s declared threat to go to war against Canada for the latter’s shipment of tons of garbage to the South East Asian nation, the countries of the Middle East are reconsidering reasons for war. “We’ll be honest with you, a lot of our wars out here have been over pure and simple issues of power and economy”, one al-Qaeda spokesperson said. “Our fight against Western Imperialists has been as much about our opium trade than any...
Hamas Reminds Confused Israelis: “Summer Doesn’t Begin Until First ‘Summer Missile’ is Fired”
“It’s hot, and then cold, and then hot again!” exclaims Yosi Kahn, a storeowner whose business is centrally located in Tel Aviv. “We’re getting frustrated over here.” Yosi isn’t the only citizen in the Middle East confused by the weather lately. While historical climate data mostly shows warm, yet mild temperatures throughout the region at this time of year, this spring has shown Israelis a mix of warmth, and simply unacceptable rain. Climate Data however is a thing of the...