War

Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance
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Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance

In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...

Taliban Appoints Carole Baskin Defense Secretary
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Taliban Appoints Carole Baskin Defense Secretary

Hopes that the Taliban would show a gentler, less evil face their second time in power were dashed Wednesday, as the Afghan militant group appointed alleged murderer and Tiger King star Carole Baskin to lead the military. Baskin, who is suspected of killing her husband and feeding him to tigers in 1997, said she will show mercy to resistance fighters...

Breaking: Taliban Now Controls 12 Working McFlurry Machines Left Behind by U.S. Troops
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Breaking: Taliban Now Controls 12 Working McFlurry Machines Left Behind by U.S. Troops

In another embarrassment for the United States, it was revealed on Monday that U.S. Troops left behind a dozen extremely rare, fully functional McDonald’s McFlurry machines in a hangar at Bagram Air Base. The machines were quickly seized by militants. As the Federal Trade Commission investigates why most McFlurry machines in America are currently broken, the oppressive and misogynistic Taliban...

‘I Was on Ambien When I Pulled Out of Afghanistan,’ Biden Says

‘I Was on Ambien When I Pulled Out of Afghanistan,’ Biden Says

Seeking to deflect blame for the disastrous US withdrawal from Afghanistan, President Joe Biden now says he had taken the sleeping aid Ambien before planning the hasty withdrawal from the country. “I’m not heartless, just an idiot,” Biden tweeted. “I mixed up my pills before meeting with the generals about Afghanistan and took Ambien instead of my Donepezil. By the...

All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure
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All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden’s bipartisan infrastructure bill has successfully passed a major obstacle as a result of a sudden and unexpected move: every single last Republican has thrown its support behind the infra package. The Mideast Beast has learned that it was the specific clarification that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” will be included in Biden’s expansive definition of infrastructure...

Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant
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Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant

Calling the ice cream manufacturer an “existential threat” to the Jewish state – a phrase rarely ever used in Israeli political discourse – Israeli opposition leader and former prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called for air strikes against the Ben & Jerry’s dairy enrichment plant in Waterbury, Vermont. Netanyahu urged the US, which has more advanced technology and more powerful...

Iran Considering Military Strike Against Itself following Suspicious Soil Sample
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Iran Considering Military Strike Against Itself following Suspicious Soil Sample

Iran declared Friday that it has not ruled out military action against Iran, after Iranian inspectors reported that a soil sample from the Parchin military base – where a recent explosion occurred – contained traces of radioactive material. “After conducting a thorough inspection of the Parchin facility, we have found substantial evidence to suggest we might be illegally enriching uranium,”...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
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Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign promise to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way...

British Protests, Violence Mark 245 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
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British Protests, Violence Mark 245 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans put social distancing – and severe political polarization – on hold to celebrate the 245th anniversary of its independence with barbeques at Delta-ridden gatherings, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...

IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’
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IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’

JERUSALEM — In the latest attempt to prevent any further fighting between Gaza and Israel, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) has been authorized to conduct ‘Operation Dictionary’. Guaranteed to delight definition-loving Hamas and Islamic Jihad fighters, The Mideast Beast has learned that Israeli forces will begin carpet bombing the areas with the books starting 07:00 Friday morning. Each specially designed...

Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria
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Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria

In response to the Gaza conflict, Russia’s Foreign Ministry has warned the Israeli Ambassador in Moscow that further “civilian casualties are unacceptable outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria.” The senior Russian official Nikolaj Migchik blasted Israel’s “excessive” military operations in Gaza. “I’m shocked. More than 200 people have been killed in Gaza, mostly innocent masked children in their 20s with Kalashnikovs...

After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza
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After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza

The State of Israel has surprisingly decided to build terror tunnels into the Gaza Strip. The unconventional decision by Jerusalem comes after the British government urged Israel to ensure “proportionality” in its military actions in Gaza. “Israel must make every effort to avoid civilian casualties and military activity must be proportionate,” said the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s spokesman Max...

Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means
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Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means

In the wake of Israel-Hamas ceasefire talks, Hamas has admitted that they never really understood the definition of ‘ceasefire’. “We always thought that it meant ‘say you’ll stop but carry on launching rockets as usual'”, one spokesman for the Gaza-based Islamist group admitted. “You see, we weren’t really paying attention in the first negotiation meeting years ago and we’ve been...