Following the blast that leveled a good chunk of Beirut, the Iranian regime joined the international chorus of pledges of aid. The Iranian Ambassador to Lebanon said that the Islamic Republic was willing to render any assistance necessary; when a Lebanese journalist asked if that included ceasing to use Lebanon as a staging area to attack Israel with blatant disregard...
Vowing to rebuild what the country had lost, Hezbollah Secretary General Hassan Nasrallah delivered a heartfelt speech Thursday marking the tragic loss of thousands of tons of explosive material during the August 4 explosion at the Port of Beirut. “Believe me when I say that nobody feels this tragedy more than me and my fellow Hezbollah members,” Nasrallah said in...
Looking to crush the last bit of resistance to his continued rule, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad has brought on talk show host Ellen DeGeneres as interior minister to keep the country’s Sunni majority in line. Assad made the appointment after reading about the strong hand DeGeneres took towards staff on her TV show. “I need someone who will rule with...
US President Donald Trump has requested that the Iranian government dumps their enriched uranium stockpile on Portland. The move comes after weeks of unrest led to federal law enforcement agents storming the Pacific Northwest city. “I found a solution. A great solution. The best solution,” said Trump in a 6,000-person rally which included 5,950 people above state restrictions. “Iran has...
Iranians are reporting feelings of despondency this week after decades of ‘Death to America’ chants are manifesting in American citizens’ phenomenally stupid COVID responses. The country, best known for its exports of rugs, caviar, the odd terror attack, and anti-Americanism, is now experiencing a general malaise, as although America is finally on the brink of death, it’s far less dramatic...
The Israeli Air Force (IAF) has reportedly asked the US to purchase KC -46 Pegasus tankers earlier than originally planned. The request is raising eyebrows that the aerial refueling capability might be for an attack on Iran. Although at a press conference, Commander of the Israeli Air Force, General Amikam Norkum, said that was not the case. “The Tankers are...
While It seems like the United States is handling the coronavirus pandemic about as well as a Parkinson’s patient in a minefield, a Pentagon source says that this might be more intentional than the public was originally led to believe. According to a source at the Pentagon, it’s part of America’s new cutting-edge counter-terrorism policy: The terrorists can’t destroy America...
Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has called off his attacks on the country’s Sunni population after reading Angela de Robin’s bestseller Alawite Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for Alawite Dictators to Talk About Sectarianism. Assad, who had waged a nearly decade-long war on his country’s Sunnis and Kurds, said the book opened his eyes to his own subconscious bias against Muslims...
In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, what remains of the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a...
Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world that it is, indeed, a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing an ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “Look at other successful terrorist organizations; all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible. In the name of Allah, what do...
As Americans put social distancing on hold to celebrate the 244th anniversary of its independence with illegal barbeques at forbidden gatherings due to the novel coronavirus, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...
In his new tell-all, The Room Where It Happened, former National Security Advisor John Bolton makes an array of shocking allegations, with information coming from inside the walls of the Trump White House. What has gone uncovered by conventional media, however, is the previously undisclosed assertion that the 2003 invasion of Iraq was, at least on some level, about access...
In a troubling week for members of the so-called ‘Islamic State’ – or whatever they call that last remaining mound of Syrian sand – the number of deaths from COVID-19 across the United States surpassed their wildest expectations of impact from any act of terror. Facing the reality that a disease was more effective than Jihad has created severe depression...
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combating ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re...
For years Yemen has been experiencing the (currently) worst humanitarian crisis of the 21st century, a country throat punched by war, famine, and pestilence, and much like Ivanka trying to mingle, they too are consistently ignored by global leaders. However, Yemeni diplomats felt a flicker of hope this week after watching Trump’s disastrous attempt at a campaign-relaunch rally over the...
The Saudi Government has welcomed a UN report that they be removed from the blacklist of countries that cause harm to children during conflict. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’re pleased to report that as of this week we will no longer be harming Yemeni kids, mainly because we killed the last one on Tuesday. The little rascal was...
With the autonomous region of CHAZ now receiving increasing attention over its efforts to separate from Seattle, ISIS veterans have sought reassurance that their own breakaway efforts did not appear similarly pathetic. “When we broke apart from Syria and Iraq and declared our own country, I gotta admit, we all thought it was pretty badass,” says one early ISIS recruit....
ISIS recently executed an unnamed American “racist journalist” in Syria after he tweeted that infidel lives matter, too. The execution came at a time of increased international focus on institutionalized media racism, after several high profile resignations of male editors from US newspapers, such as that of executive editor Stan Wischnowski of The Philadelphia Inquirer, who recently resigned after experiencing...
Iran’s regime has reportedly signed a “proxy resistance alliance” with Seattle anarchist rebels. The generous and entirely altruistic offer came after Iran became the first country to officially recognize the newly declared state, Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, (CHAZ). Iran is expected to open its new embassy in CHAZ after qualifying for Microsoft’s grants for “struggling low-tech entities.” Iran’s supreme leader...
While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...
