War

Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement Over Yemen
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Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement Over Yemen

In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...

9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits
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9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits

Al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001 were not intended as an act of terrorism but were in fact a failed attempt at a dramatic gender reveal, senior leaders of the terror group acknowledged. The now-waterlogged al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, was looking to announce the sex of his daughter, Safiyah,...

Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys
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Tlaib, Omar Can’t Believe They Have to Side with Boogaloo Boys

Democratic congresswomen Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib have begrudgingly come out in support of the far-right anti-government “Boogaloo Boys” movement after members of the group were arrested for providing material support for Hamas. Omar and Tlaib, sporting Hawaiian shirts and camouflage pants, announced their backing of the group in a press conference Tuesday. “We aren’t fans of their white supremacy...

Assad Considering a Return to Ophthalmology
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Assad Considering a Return to Ophthalmology

After a week of introspection, Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad has announced that despite the genuine criminal effort he put into clinging to power, he’s experiencing career burnout and will be returning to his ophthalmic practice in London by the end of this year. During the press conference the dictator stated that although he loves his country, he’s been fighting off...

Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’
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Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’

*Reposted as a timely #ThrowBack article (originally posted in 2016)*   Washington, D.C. — He says he would have prevented the 9/11 attacks, he’s criticized Senator John McCain for being captured during the Vietnam War, and presidential republican nominee Donald Trump shows no signs of backing down, as Trump yesterday blasted all Iraq war veterans as “a bunch of pussies...

Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”
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Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”

While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...

Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons
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Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons

In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a scare tactic. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...

ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future
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ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future

Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by September in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their plans citing the plethora of...

Assad: I Could Have Just Dismantled the Post Office?
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Assad: I Could Have Just Dismantled the Post Office?

Looking over the ruins of what was once Syria, Assad expressed dismay this week as he realized that he could have held onto despotic power by simply dismantling the post office. Although the murderous dictator would never openly admit fault, sources close to the former ophthalmologist say that he feels like “a bit of an idiot” this week after observing...

Hezbollah Mourns Tragic Loss of Explosive Material
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Hezbollah Mourns Tragic Loss of Explosive Material

Vowing to rebuild what the country had lost, Hezbollah Secretary General Hassan Nasrallah delivered a heartfelt speech Thursday marking the tragic loss of thousands of tons of explosive material during the August 4 explosion at the Port of Beirut. “Believe me when I say that nobody feels this tragedy more than me and my fellow Hezbollah members,” Nasrallah said in...

Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister
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Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister

Looking to crush the last bit of resistance to his continued rule, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad has brought on talk show host Ellen DeGeneres as interior minister to keep the country’s Sunni majority in line. Assad made the appointment after reading about the strong hand DeGeneres took towards staff on her TV show. “I need someone who will rule with...

Trump Asks Iran to Dispose of Its Nuclear Stockpile by Dumping It on Portland
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Trump Asks Iran to Dispose of Its Nuclear Stockpile by Dumping It on Portland

US President Donald Trump has requested that the Iranian government dumps their enriched uranium stockpile on Portland. The move comes after weeks of unrest led to federal law enforcement agents storming the Pacific Northwest city. “I found a solution. A great solution. The best solution,” said Trump in a 6,000-person rally which included 5,950 people above state restrictions. “Iran has...

Iranians Disappointed That ‘Death to America’ Ended up Being so Anticlimactic
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Iranians Disappointed That ‘Death to America’ Ended up Being so Anticlimactic

Iranians are reporting feelings of despondency this week after decades of ‘Death to America’ chants are manifesting in American citizens’ phenomenally stupid COVID responses. The country, best known for its exports of rugs, caviar, the odd terror attack, and anti-Americanism, is now experiencing a general malaise, as although America is finally on the brink of death, it’s far less dramatic...

Head of Israeli Air Force Denies Purchase of U.S. Tanker Planes Has Anything to Do With Iran, Says It’s for a Road Trip
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Head of Israeli Air Force Denies Purchase of U.S. Tanker Planes Has Anything to Do With Iran, Says It’s for a Road Trip

The Israeli Air Force (IAF) has reportedly asked the US to purchase KC -46 Pegasus tankers earlier than originally planned. The request is raising eyebrows that the aerial refueling capability might be for an attack on Iran. Although at a press conference, Commander of the Israeli Air Force, General Amikam Norkum, said that was not the case. “The Tankers are...

White House: America’s New Counter-Terrorism Plan is To Destroy Itself
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White House: America’s New Counter-Terrorism Plan is To Destroy Itself

While It seems like the United States is handling the coronavirus pandemic about as well as a Parkinson’s patient in a minefield, a Pentagon source says that this might be more intentional than the public was originally led to believe. According to a source at the Pentagon, it’s part of America’s new cutting-edge counter-terrorism policy: The terrorists can’t destroy America...

Assad Ends Attacks on Sunnis After Reading ‘Alawite Fragility’
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Assad Ends Attacks on Sunnis After Reading ‘Alawite Fragility’

Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has called off his attacks on the country’s Sunni population after reading Angela de Robin’s bestseller Alawite Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for Alawite Dictators to Talk About Sectarianism. Assad, who had waged a nearly decade-long war on his country’s Sunnis and Kurds, said the book opened his eyes to his own subconscious bias against Muslims...