War
Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel
Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best way to express this.” Israeli police reported that they had defused several bombs shaped as pink and red hearts. Police...
Well That Went About as Well as Expected…
Global markets, world leaders, and leading experts are breathing a collective sigh of relief as the latest peace plan, proposed by Pinocchio cosplayer of the year Jared Kushner, is turning out not to be the ‘Deal of the Century’. Middle East commentator Steve Kotkin said, “Frankly it would have been a massive pain in the ass if they’d pulled this off. A real ‘experts no nothing’ moment. Luckily for us it’s gone pretty much as expected. Which is to say,...
Anti-War Activists Pat Themselves on the Back for Preventing War With Iran
As the United States prepared to invade Iran earlier this month, many worried that the world was about to spiral hopelessly out of control. American President Donald J. Trump finally seemed poised to start another aggressive war of choice and finally fulfill his longstanding plan to destabilize literally the entire world. But luckily, the rules-based international order had a group of stalwart defenders who kept the mushroom clouds from blooming: the brave men and women of the American anti-war movement....
Obese ISIS Leader ‘Jabba the Jihadi’ Loses 300 Pounds, Hired as Subway Spokesman
Recently captured Islamic State mufti Abu Abdul Bari (dubbed ‘Jabba the Jihadi’), who weighed in at more than 560 pounds (254 kilograms) at the time of his arrest, has dropped nearly 300 pounds after switching his diet to three six-inch Subway sandwiches each day. Subway has brought on Bari to lead a new ad campaign, making the jihadi leader its spokesman. “Subway’s sandwiches are jihadelicious – but they won’t blow up your waistline!” Bari says in recently aired commercial while...
Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy
Following the controversy over a Jeopardy question last week, a visibly aggravated Alex Trebek seemed intent on not letting his audience know that the dispute had not phased him. This follows the controversy where the answer to a question placed Bethlehem in Israel rather than Palestine. Some groups took offense to this, with Code Pink, which is usually such a reasonable group of women, responding by saying that the answer was “literally like the Holocaust happened all over again right there...
Iran Launches GoFundMe Campaign for Better Air Defense Radars
In the aftermath of a tragic incident in which an Iranian missile shot down a commercial airliner near Tehran last week, the Islamic Republic’s air defense force has launched a GoFundMe campaign to help them acquire improved radar systems. Military leaders say the new radars could help prevent similarly tragic incidents in the future by distinguishing military targets from civilian flights. Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif took to Twitter to announce the campaign. “The whole world has now seen what tragic, unintentional events...
International Criminal Court Hopes World War III Doesn’t Take Attention from Israel
The International Criminal Court (ICC) is urging Iran and the US to de-escalate their conflict, warning that the impending war is distracting from its long overdue plan to prosecute Israel. The ICC announced last month that it would investigate Israel for alleged war crimes in Gaza and the West Bank, saying that that nothing else noteworthy was going on in the world. But President Donald Trump’s decision to target Iranian General Qasem Soleimani has left little room in the headlines...
Iran Admits to Unintentionally Attacking US Baghdad Embassy
Iran has admitted that it “unintentionally attacked” the US Embassy in Baghdad in December 2019. The dramatic U-turn admission comes after Tehran also admitted that it recently accidentally shot down a Ukrainian commercial airplane just after takeoff from Imam Khomeini International Airport . Iran’s Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif told The Mideast Beast: “Iran unintentionally attacked the US Embassy in Baghdad. This human error happened due to strain and stress caused by the dangerous American adventurism in the Middle East....
Trudeau Apologizes for Airliner Full of Canadians That Hit Innocent Iranian Missile
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has issued an apology after a plane full of Canadians struck an Iranian missile near Tehran last week. The collision resulted in the destruction of an extremely expensive Iranian anti-aircraft missile, and also the deaths of 57 Canadians. Trudeau, the famously considerate leader of the most polite country on earth, said in a written statement that “it is completely unlike Canadians to run straight into someone that they see crossing airspace. In Canada, Mounties frequently have to...
White House: President Trump Definitely Not Bummed He Didn’t Get to Nuke Anybody
The White House has released a statement assuring the American people and the global community that the president is satisfied with the conclusion of the recent round of violence in Iraq between the US military and Iran, and not at all bummed out that the he didn’t get to see what a nuclear ICBM does to a city. In a press conference, the White House spokesperson said, “The President wants to assure the American people, and the world, that the...
Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’
The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by the attack, especially after the diplomatic letter sent by the Beverly Hills Ambassador to Iran, Ms. Rose McGowan. Survivors surveyed...
Trump Declares Day of Rage against Uncooperative Pentagon
President Trump has reportedly declared a Day of Rage against the Pentagon. The escalating move comes after the Pentagon rejected Trump’s threat to bomb Iranian cultural sites. A mildly irritated President Trump told The Mideast Beast: “Nobody can give better orders than me. The undrained Pentagon swamp consists of unstable total losers, probably secret Pocahontas or Bernie Slanders supporters. As long as a stable genius like me leads the US, the Pentagon will do exactly as I tell them. If...
Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses
Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually read the Hague Convention, and it definitely doesn’t mention lush greens and challenging water obstacles anywhere.” A Pentagon spokesman commented,...
Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People
Pondering how to respond to American air strikes that took out his top general, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei admitted that he longed for the days when the greatest threat to his power was the Iranian populace looking for basic human rights. “You know who never kills your top military officials in a drone strike on foreign soil? Unarmed protestors,” Khamenei said wistfully. “You can kill them by the thousands – and trust me, I have – and the worst...
Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate
Former National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes, who was once billed as Barack Obama’s foreign policy Guru was devastated to hear the horrible news that President Trump had authorized an airstrike that killed Iranian Quds Force leader, General Qasem Soleimani. “Qasem Soleimani, also known as “Asshole” by Yemenis, was the kind of moderate Iranian leader that we needed for peace in the Middle East,” Rhodes said in an interview immediately following the strike. “Sure he has the blood of hundreds of...
‘We Could Have Just Paid You Back for the Broken Glass,’ Khamenei Says
After his top commander was killed by a US airstrike, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has accused Americans of being “really anal about your embassies all of a sudden.” “I mean, jeez, talk about an overreaction,” Khamenei said in his first official statement after the death of Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis — the deputy head of the Iran-backed Iraqi Popular Mobilization Forces. “All our militias did was break a few windows. We could have just...
US Ambassador Regrets Suggesting New Year’s After Party at His Place
The US Ambassador to Iraq has confessed feeling some regret that his drunken invitation for “Everyone to come back to my place to keep this party going!” has ended with the sacking of the Embassy. A spokesman for the Ambassador commented, “Look, its New Year, and to be frank the party at the British Embassy had been pretty lame, just loads of warm beer and sexual repression. So, it’s perfectly understandable that we would want to liven things up. How...
Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson
Following another rocket launch from Gaza, the Israeli Air Force (IAF) has retaliated with airstrikes against terrorist infrastructure. An IAF spokesperson commented “We are confident that these strikes sent a message to Hamas that we weren’t able to achieve with last week’s airstrikes, or for that matter the ones last month, and also those back in September.” Standing in front of a black-and-white photo he pointed out that the IDF had achieved their primary goal of shifting piles of rubble...
Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide
Refusing to sign a bipartisan resolution condemning the 100-year-old genocide, US President Donald Trump insisted Tuesday that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump said during a press conference called to discuss infrastructure legislation. “Not all the Ottomans who went there to kill the Armenians were interested in genocide. Some were just upset about what happened to Australian Archduke...
Human Rights Watch Praises Iran for Only Killing Shitty Civilians
Defending the Islamic Republic’s brutal crackdown against economic protestors, Human Rights Watch Executive Director Kenneth Roth praised the Iranian government for only killing civilians who were “really losers to begin with anyway.” “If reports are true, Iran’s record of only killing shitty civilians who weren’t contributing much to begin with is commendable,” Roth Tweeted. “It would be better if they didn’t kill anyone, but nobody’s perfect.” Roth, whose statement came after an earlier tweet praising Iran for not killing civilians...