Sports
ISIS to Abandon Jihad and Focus on Preparation for 2022 Olympics
Embarrassed after both Syria and Iraq were shut out in the 2018 Winter Olympics medal count, leaders of the terrorist group announced that the organization will be taking a four-year break from jihad to improve its showing in the 2022 Olympics. “For the past four years, we have been so focused on purging the Levant of infidels that we have completely neglected curling and ice dancing,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted. “We have an eternity to reestablish the caliphate,...
ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities
After years of unsuccessful efforts to cause widespread devastation in the American homeland, ISIS leaders are turning towards fans of the Philadelphia Eagles for advice on how to destroy an American city. “When I turned on the TV and saw shattered glass, overturned cars and people rioting in the streets, I assumed one of our martyrs had carried out a major attack,” Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “I was shocked to learn that these valiant warriors were...
Turkish President Sentences Enes Kanter to 25 Years with Knicks
In a move that activists are calling a gross human rights violation, Turkish authorities have sentenced NBA player Enes Kanter in absentia to 25 years on the hapless New York Knicks. The sentence comes after Kanter, an up-and-coming star, was convicted of insulting Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in a series of tweets. It likely means the six-foot-eleven center will spend the rest of his career with a franchise that has won just one playoff series since the turn of...
Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years
Suspicions of bribery have been raised following the news that Qatar is set to host every major international sporting event for the next century. “It was one thing getting to host the FIFA World Cup in 2022, but also hosting the FIBA World Cup, Olympics, Paralympics, Rugby World Cup, World Baseball, Ryder Cup, all the Grand Slams and countless other events for the next 100 years really does suggest something might be going on”, admitted a source from the FBI....
Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East
Former NFL quarterback and full-time activist Colin Kaepernick has taken another controversial stand, announcing that he now plans to give up football and devote himself to hunting bald eagles to protest US military action in the Middle East. “While America invaded Iraq and Afghanistan and killed billions of innocent African (sic) children, these stupid birds had no problem masquerading as symbols of American arrogance,” Kaepernick wrote on Facebook, captioning a picture of the former San Francisco 49er holding a dead...
ISIS Leader to Become Boxer, Fight Mayweather
Inspired by UFC star Conor McGregor’s performance in Saturday’s bout, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that he will take a break from jihad to try his luck in the boxing ring. “Fighting is fighting, whether you’re doing it in a ring with gloves or in Shia mosque with a suicide belt,” al-Baghdadi said in announcing his decision. “If McGregor can go from MMA to boxing, I can make the switch from jihad.” Al-Baghdadi insisted he simply wanted the chance...
Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team
Saying that only the Qataris understood what it was like to be isolated because of one’s political beliefs, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has signed a one-year deal with the embattled Middle Eastern nation. The signing comes after Kaepernick, who made headlines for refusing to stand for the national anthem, has struggled to find an NFL team willing to sign him. But in Qatar, the embattled former Super Bowl quarterback was welcomed with open arms. “We believe this...
Iranian Revolutionary Guard to Recruit Justin Gatlin as New Weapon
American sprinter Justin Gatlin, who took the gold medal at the World Athletics Championship, defeating Usain Bolt in the world-record holder’s final race, has been recruited to the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Gatlin was flattered when Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came to him personally, wielding the athlete’s favorite chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. Although Gatlin was made to publicly renounce his gold medal and the ‘American decadence’ it stood for, he said the Khamenei gave him “an offer he couldn’t refuse”....
ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment
Football games will replace limb-severing as the Islamic State’s preferential form of capital punishment for infidels, according to a decree recently issued by the-still-alive ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. The new practice was agreed upon following the publication of a new study which indicates 99% of professional NFL players sustain permanent degenerative brain injuries as a result of repeated blows to the head. “Like the American health care system, laissez-faire capitalism and McDonald’s, football is a method of infidel self-destruction...
Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million
Saying that his government was “terribly sorry” about the way the former NFL superstar has been treated following his conviction on charges of armed robbery, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has agreed to pay $10 million to O.J. Simpson. “Just like Omar Khadr, O.J. is the true victim,” said Trudeau, referring to the former Guantanamo detainee also given a $10 million payout by the Canadian government. “It is only fair that people arrested and imprisoned for their crimes are rewarded...
Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers
Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...
Saudi Woman Really Excited Not to be Allowed to Compete in Her New Athletic Hijab
With Nike’s release of a new “Pro-Hijab” geared towards athletic Muslim women, a whole new group of female Muslim Athletes are really excited at the prospect of not being allowed to compete in international domestic and international competitions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one female athlete in Saudi Arabia said she loves to run, but found it very difficult to find a male relative willing to escort her outdoors. Of Nike’s new innovation she whispered: “Now with the Nike Pro-Hijab,...
ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory
Calling the suffering inflicted on the vast majority of Americans “a really nice surprise,” ISIS leaders were reportedly celebrating into the morning hours Monday after the hated New England Patriots’ stunning come-from-behind win in Super Bowl LI. “Seeing the American infidels this angry without having to plan and execute an attack is just a really great way to start the workweek,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said after a James White touchdown run sealed the game for New England in...
Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport
DOHA – Despite multiple bloody wars rocking the region, nearly 20 Middle Eastern countries have launched a joint bid to have camel racing declared an Olympic sport. A delegation is due in Switzerland next week to argue their case before the International Olympic Committee. At a press conference in Doha, Qatar’s Sheikh Jamaal bin Tamim Al Thani, chairman of the International Camel Racing Federation (ICRAC) and co-chair of the bid, said: “Camel racing is hugely popular across nearly 40 countries...
ISIS Angered as Re-Establishment of Caliphate Overshadowed by Cubs World Series Win
Saying that it “must be a Zionist conspiracy,” ISIS leaders are reportedly furious that the Chicago Cubs’ first World Series Championship since 1908 has made the terrorist group’s re-establishment of the caliphate after a 90-year wait seem unimpressive in comparison. “Now all we ever hear about is how the Cubs broke their curse, and how their fans have suffered for soooo long,” complained one ISIS leader. “Our fans suffered for pretty long too. Not 108 years or anything, but still,...
ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids
RAQQA — The Islamic State was dealt a setback last week, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During a random drug test last week, Mr. Baghdadi tested positive for the performance-enhancing drug Jihadozol, a steroid that has negative...
Damascus Picked to Host 2020 Olympics
Damascus has been chosen to host the 2020 Olympics, as the International Olympic Committee selected the Syrian capital due to logistical considerations. “Frankly, the difficulty of getting close to 200 delegations into the host country is always a challenge,” IOC President Thomas Bach said. “Given how many countries already have a strong presence in Syria, this job will be much, much easier.” Bach noted that Turkey and the United States had recently moved personnel into the country, joining Iran, Russia,...
Qatar Buys San Francisco 49ers
The Qatar Investment Authority has bought a 51% stake in the San Francisco 49ers, just days after quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the US national anthem. “While receiving an amazing Thai massage from a young Filipina girl I purchased on Alibaba.com it hit me: waging Jihad is just like playing football. Both are well funded forms of organized violence punctuated by trash talking that generate big television ratings. So, why not use our expertise in financing a worldwide...
Kaepernick Vows Not to Leave His Bed Until ‘There’s Peace in the Middle East’
SAN FRANCISCO — Saying he had just learned of the ongoing war in Syria as well as other tragedies across the Middle East, 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has vowed not to leave his bed until there’s “change” in the region and an end to all violence and suffering. “First, when I heard about all the violence and racism in America and stuff, I was like, wow America sucks, I’m not standing for the national anthem,” Kaepernick told The Mideast Beast. “But...
Erdogan Admits He Made Up Coup Story After Vandalizing Gas Station While Intoxicated
Saying he was “110 percent sorry,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan admitted Thursday that he had fabricated his story about an alleged coup against his government after he drunkenly vandalized a gas station. After a July 15 incident, Erdogan claimed that he and his government had been the victim of an attempted coup d’état, with the president narrowly avoiding an attempt by the perpetrators to harm or imprison him. The story soon unraveled, however, as it became apparent that the...