Sports

Inspired by MLB, ISIS Launches Attacks on Cardboard Cutouts
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Inspired by MLB, ISIS Launches Attacks on Cardboard Cutouts

Looking to keep spirits high despite its diminished territory and negligent offensive capabilities, the Islamic State has begun carrying out suicide attacks against cardboard cutouts of infidels. ISIS leader Amir Muhammad al-Mawla got the idea after watching a Major League Baseball (MLB) game in which the stands were filled with cardboard fans, as in-person attendance is banned because of COVID-19....

Hamas Changes Name to Gaza Redskins to Appeal to Republicans
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Hamas Changes Name to Gaza Redskins to Appeal to Republicans

In an unusual move, the Palestinian organization Hamas – currently designated as a terrorist organization by the US Administration – decided to change their official name to the Gaza Redskins in order to appeal more to the American Conservative/Republican audience. The move came after the Washington Redskins decided to drop their name after mounting political pressure. “We want to let...

DeSean Jackson’s Anti-Semitic Tweets Earn Him Honorary Degree from Trump University
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DeSean Jackson’s Anti-Semitic Tweets Earn Him Honorary Degree from Trump University

NFL wide receiver DeSean Jackson tweeted a series of blatantly anti-Semitic remarks last week garnering condemnation across the political spectrum, except from the President of the United States who immediately granted Jackson with an honorary degree from his defunct university. Honorary degrees are often granted to celebrities who display the values that a university wishes to pass onto its students,...

Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’
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Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’

After years of protest from white people offended by the name “Redskins,” the Washington D.C. football franchise announced that it will change its name and begin the 2020 season as the “Washington Towelheads.” “Given the D.C. Metro area’s growing Arab population, we wanted to honor this new potential fanbase,” team owner Daniel Snyder said. “I Googled ‘nicknames for Arabs,’ and...

NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods
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NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods

Starting tomorrow NASCAR drivers will no longer be allowed to wear the white pointed hoods of the Ku-Klux-Klan to work. The decision was announced yesterday by the racing company’s CEO Jim France. The ban comes amidst a moment of reckoning over racism and white supremacy in the United States, and has upset many NASCAR fans and drivers. Jason Beans, a...

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Lone Vote Against Jeter for Hall of Fame
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Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Lone Vote Against Jeter for Hall of Fame

In an attack that the terror group hopes will put it back on Americans’ radar, al Qaeda has claimed credit for the one vote against inducting former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter into the Hall of Fame. Jeter received 424 out of 425 possible votes on Tuesday, leaving the sports world furious at the sole holdout, whose identity has not been...

Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses
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Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses

Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually...

US Cuts Off Relations With Israel After Netanyahu Buys Trump a Peloton
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US Cuts Off Relations With Israel After Netanyahu Buys Trump a Peloton

In an unexpected crisis between two allies, the US has ended all diplomatic relations with Israel after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu bought President Donald Trump a Peloton exercise bike as a holiday gift. Netanyahu purchased the stationary bike after seeing an ad for the company, believing it would be a perfect way to thank the president for his administration’s support...

LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season
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LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season

Calling them “misinformed” and blasting them for causing what he called a “really difficult week,” Lakers superstar LeBron James has called on protestors in Hong Kong to just relax until after the NBA season ends. “My team and I had like a 20-hour flight to China, and I really think these protestors didn’t stop and think about how their actions...

NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass
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NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass

The NBA has demanded an apology from Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey after his tweet criticizing Syria’s Bashar al-Assad nearly caused the strongman to cancel his cable subscription. The controversy arose after Morey tweeted, “Wishing for peace in Syria, and an end to the senseless killing.” Assad responded angrily, writing in a strongly worded letter to NBA Commissioner Adam...

Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli
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Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli

In a snub that has inserted politics into the world’s most popular film genre, Egyptian porn star Muhammed al-Qadibi walked off the set following a scene with an Israeli co-star before the money shot. The act was seen across the adult film world as a serious violation of industry etiquette, as co-stars are always expected to follow each scene with...

Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias
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Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias

Crowning itself the most gender-friendly country in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia has announced its intentions to free the kingdom of gender inequality. After granting women the right to drive last year, the Kingdom is determined to become a more welcoming place for people of all genders.  Last week, King Salman announced his intentions to ban the word ‘Sportsmanship’ due to its...

Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist
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Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist

After dominating the sneaker business for decades, athletic apparel firm Nike announced that it will stop making footwear after spokesman and former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick insisted that shoes are a symbol of racism and slavery. Nike had just announced the launch of its latest basketball shoe, which it planned to sell for $199 a pair, when Kaepernick insisted in...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers
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Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American...

ESPN Hires Ahmadinejad as Football Analyst

ESPN Hires Ahmadinejad as Football Analyst

In a move aimed at boosting the network’s progressive bona fides, ESPN announced that it has hired former Iranian president and die-hard football fan Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as its new NFL/social justice reporter. The move comes after a series of tweets in which Ahmadinejad – who has denied the Holocaust and claimed that there are no gay Iranians – opined on...

World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt
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World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt

International observers have expressed complete shock and astonishment at news that has confirmed that Qatar engaged in black ops campaign tactics and broke FIFA rules in order to win the bid to host the World Cup. “Shocked doesn’t even cover it”, one FIFA spokesperson said. “We’re simply astounded that Qatar used former CIA agents and PR agencies to spread fake...

Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle
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Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle

In the latest conspiracy theory linked to Israel’s main intelligence agency, a prominent Egyptian cleric claims he has “cast iron proof” that Real Madrid defender, Sergio Ramos, is, in fact, a Mossad operative who deliberately handicapped the Liverpool player and rising star, Mo Salah. Egyptian-born Salah, considered one of the world’s top soccer players and who has garnered a significant...

Israeli Culture Minister Calls for Boycott of FC Barcelona Supporters
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Israeli Culture Minister Calls for Boycott of FC Barcelona Supporters

Israeli Culture Minister Miri Regev ordered Wednesday a boycott of FC Barcelona fans (Barça), the soccer team for which Argentinian soccer player Lionel Messi regularly plays, following Argentina’s cancelling of its prospective soccer match against Israel in Jerusalem. The boycott will effectively bar entry into Israel of any individual who has ever expressed support of Barça. These “expressions of support”...