Sports

MLB Commissioner Declares Rockies World Series Champions

MLB Commissioner Declares Rockies World Series Champions

Despite the Atlanta Braves’ World Series win Tuesday night, Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred has declared the Colorado Rockies the World Series Champions following criticism of Georgia’s voting laws. Manfred has already taken back the Commissioner’s Trophy and will fly to Denver to present it to the Rockies on Thursday. “While the Braves technically did make the playoffs, beat...

Equality! Taliban Bans Biological Males and Biological Females from Participating in Women’s Sports

Equality! Taliban Bans Biological Males and Biological Females from Participating in Women’s Sports

Much like a six-foot tall Army Special Forces soldier wrestling a lady, sports organizations around the world have been wrestling with the contentious issue of transgender athletes in women’s sports. Those opposed to the idea argue that differences in size, hormones, and bone density make it unsafe for transgender athletes and cisgender athletes to compete against one another. While other...

Taliban Defeated After Leader Dies in ‘Milk Crate Challenge’

Taliban Defeated After Leader Dies in ‘Milk Crate Challenge’

In a dramatic reversal of fortunes, the Taliban regime in Afghanistan has collapsed after Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar fell to his death while attempting the “Milk Crate Challenge” now popular on TikTok. Baradar announced plans to attempt the challenge, which involves climbing a pyramid of stacked milk crates, after triumphantly entering Kabul following the Taliban’s capture of the...

Israeli Gold-Medal Gymnast Becomes First Jew in 17 Years to Win Any Sporting Event

Israeli Gold-Medal Gymnast Becomes First Jew in 17 Years to Win Any Sporting Event

Israeli artistic gymnast Artem Dolgopyat made history with his Olympic gold-medal performance Sunday, becoming the first Jew in a decade-and-a-half to win any sports competition at any level. Since windsurfer Gal Friedman’s victory at the 2004 Olympics in Athens, no Jewish man or woman, in Israel or the diaspora, had bested any gentile in any sport, according to records tracking...

Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem
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Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem

In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the day when the Summer Olympic Games will be held in Israel. Construction will take place by the end of the month, and Israel maintains...

Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist

Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist

After dominating the sneaker business for decades, athletic apparel firm Nike announced that it will stop making footwear after spokesman and former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick insisted that shoes are a symbol of racism and slavery. Nike had just announced the launch of its latest basketball shoe, which it planned to sell for $199 a pair, when Kaepernick insisted in...

Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win
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Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win

Chanting “Stop the Steal,” Kansas City Chiefs fans invaded the NFL headquarters in New York late Sunday night demanding commissioner Roger Goodell name the Chiefs the winners of Super Bowl LV. What started as a protest against the official results of the championship game turned violent after Chiefs fans overran security and forced their way into NFL offices, stealing podiums...

Trevor Lawrence Joins ISIS to Avoid Playing for Jacksonville
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Trevor Lawrence Joins ISIS to Avoid Playing for Jacksonville

With the Jacksonville Jaguars clinching the top pick in next year’s NFL draft, Clemson quarterback and top prospect Trevor Lawrence announced that he will move to Syria and join the Islamic State to avoid playing for the Jaguars. Lawrence, widely considered the best quarterback prospect in a generation, acknowledged that he was not looking forward to living in the Syrian...

Inspired by MLB, ISIS Launches Attacks on Cardboard Cutouts
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Inspired by MLB, ISIS Launches Attacks on Cardboard Cutouts

Looking to keep spirits high despite its diminished territory and negligent offensive capabilities, the Islamic State has begun carrying out suicide attacks against cardboard cutouts of infidels. ISIS leader Amir Muhammad al-Mawla got the idea after watching a Major League Baseball (MLB) game in which the stands were filled with cardboard fans, as in-person attendance is banned because of COVID-19....

Hamas Changes Name to Gaza Redskins to Appeal to Republicans
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Hamas Changes Name to Gaza Redskins to Appeal to Republicans

In an unusual move, the Palestinian organization Hamas – currently designated as a terrorist organization by the US Administration – decided to change their official name to the Gaza Redskins in order to appeal more to the American Conservative/Republican audience. The move came after the Washington Redskins decided to drop their name after mounting political pressure. “We want to let...

Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’
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Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’

After years of protest from white people offended by the name “Redskins,” the Washington D.C. football franchise announced that it will change its name and begin the 2020 season as the “Washington Towelheads.” “Given the D.C. Metro area’s growing Arab population, we wanted to honor this new potential fanbase,” team owner Daniel Snyder said. “I Googled ‘nicknames for Arabs,’ and...

NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods
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NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods

Starting tomorrow NASCAR drivers will no longer be allowed to wear the white pointed hoods of the Ku-Klux-Klan to work. The decision was announced yesterday by the racing company’s CEO Jim France. The ban comes amidst a moment of reckoning over racism and white supremacy in the United States, and has upset many NASCAR fans and drivers. Jason Beans, a...

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Lone Vote Against Jeter for Hall of Fame
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Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Lone Vote Against Jeter for Hall of Fame

In an attack that the terror group hopes will put it back on Americans’ radar, al Qaeda has claimed credit for the one vote against inducting former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter into the Hall of Fame. Jeter received 424 out of 425 possible votes on Tuesday, leaving the sports world furious at the sole holdout, whose identity has not been...

Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses
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Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses

Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually...

US Cuts Off Relations With Israel After Netanyahu Buys Trump a Peloton
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US Cuts Off Relations With Israel After Netanyahu Buys Trump a Peloton

In an unexpected crisis between two allies, the US has ended all diplomatic relations with Israel after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu bought President Donald Trump a Peloton exercise bike as a holiday gift. Netanyahu purchased the stationary bike after seeing an ad for the company, believing it would be a perfect way to thank the president for his administration’s support...

LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season
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LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season

Calling them “misinformed” and blasting them for causing what he called a “really difficult week,” Lakers superstar LeBron James has called on protestors in Hong Kong to just relax until after the NBA season ends. “My team and I had like a 20-hour flight to China, and I really think these protestors didn’t stop and think about how their actions...

NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass
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NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass

The NBA has demanded an apology from Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey after his tweet criticizing Syria’s Bashar al-Assad nearly caused the strongman to cancel his cable subscription. The controversy arose after Morey tweeted, “Wishing for peace in Syria, and an end to the senseless killing.” Assad responded angrily, writing in a strongly worded letter to NBA Commissioner Adam...

Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli
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Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli

In a snub that has inserted politics into the world’s most popular film genre, Egyptian porn star Muhammed al-Qadibi walked off the set following a scene with an Israeli co-star before the money shot. The act was seen across the adult film world as a serious violation of industry etiquette, as co-stars are always expected to follow each scene with...