Sports
Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses
Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually read the Hague Convention, and it definitely doesn’t mention lush greens and challenging water obstacles anywhere.” A Pentagon spokesman commented,...
US Cuts Off Relations With Israel After Netanyahu Buys Trump a Peloton
In an unexpected crisis between two allies, the US has ended all diplomatic relations with Israel after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu bought President Donald Trump a Peloton exercise bike as a holiday gift. Netanyahu purchased the stationary bike after seeing an ad for the company, believing it would be a perfect way to thank the president for his administration’s support for Israel. But after unwrapping the bike, Trump sulked briefly before storming to his bedroom in the executive residence. “Two-faced...
LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season
Calling them “misinformed” and blasting them for causing what he called a “really difficult week,” Lakers superstar LeBron James has called on protestors in Hong Kong to just relax until after the NBA season ends. “My team and I had like a 20-hour flight to China, and I really think these protestors didn’t stop and think about how their actions would affect our trip here,” James tweeted. “I’m not addressing the substance of their protests, but couldn’t they have waited...
NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass
The NBA has demanded an apology from Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey after his tweet criticizing Syria’s Bashar al-Assad nearly caused the strongman to cancel his cable subscription. The controversy arose after Morey tweeted, “Wishing for peace in Syria, and an end to the senseless killing.” Assad responded angrily, writing in a strongly worded letter to NBA Commissioner Adam Silver that he was “seriously considering cancelled my subscription to the NBA League Pass and leaving a negative review on...
Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli
In a snub that has inserted politics into the world’s most popular film genre, Egyptian porn star Muhammed al-Qadibi walked off the set following a scene with an Israeli co-star before the money shot. The act was seen across the adult film world as a serious violation of industry etiquette, as co-stars are always expected to follow each scene with a money shot regardless of one another’s nationality. Al-Qadibi, however, insisted that he would not legitimize Israel’s existence by ejaculating...
Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias
Crowning itself the most gender-friendly country in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia has announced its intentions to free the kingdom of gender inequality. After granting women the right to drive last year, the Kingdom is determined to become a more welcoming place for people of all genders. Last week, King Salman announced his intentions to ban the word ‘Sportsmanship’ due to its clear gender bias. The derogatory word will be erased from all official texts, including school textbooks, and will be replaced...
Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist
After dominating the sneaker business for decades, athletic apparel firm Nike announced that it will stop making footwear after spokesman and former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick insisted that shoes are a symbol of racism and slavery. Nike had just announced the launch of its latest basketball shoe, which it planned to sell for $199 a pair, when Kaepernick insisted in a series of tweets that shoes are “a tool of oppression and white supremacy.” “I heard that, like, slave owners...
Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Requiring Haredi Jews to Play One Game of Laser Tag
In what he has called a major concession aimed at obviating the need for another round of elections, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has put forward a bill requiring Haredi, or ultra-Orthodox, Israelis to take part in one game of laser tag to avoid military service. The proposal comes in response to demands by Avigdor Liberman, the leader of the right-wing Yisrael Beytenu party, that the government pass legislation regulating the draft of yeshiva students into the military. The prime...
Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers
Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...
ESPN Hires Ahmadinejad as Football Analyst
In a move aimed at boosting the network’s progressive bona fides, ESPN announced that it has hired former Iranian president and die-hard football fan Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as its new NFL/social justice reporter. The move comes after a series of tweets in which Ahmadinejad – who has denied the Holocaust and claimed that there are no gay Iranians – opined on college football, Colin Kaepernick and the murder of Huey Newton. “Since Jemele Hill left the network, we really have not had...
World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt
International observers have expressed complete shock and astonishment at news that has confirmed that Qatar engaged in black ops campaign tactics and broke FIFA rules in order to win the bid to host the World Cup. “Shocked doesn’t even cover it”, one FIFA spokesperson said. “We’re simply astounded that Qatar used former CIA agents and PR agencies to spread fake propaganda about its competitors. In fact, when it was originally announced that Qatar would be hosting the 2022 World Cup...
Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle
In the latest conspiracy theory linked to Israel’s main intelligence agency, a prominent Egyptian cleric claims he has “cast iron proof” that Real Madrid defender, Sergio Ramos, is, in fact, a Mossad operative who deliberately handicapped the Liverpool player and rising star, Mo Salah. Egyptian-born Salah, considered one of the world’s top soccer players and who has garnered a significant following amongst the Arab and Muslim world, was injured in the Champions League final last month causing doubts about the...
The World Cup is Half Empty for Israel…Messi Messed it Up (New TMB Podcast!)
This week on the Mideast Beast podcast, host Alex Giles, a lightweight, sips his rosé wine, while Molly Livingstone could use something a bit harder (and that is what she said), and together the two discuss the football, the ladies, and the power. While it seems like Qatar Airlines doesn’t think a woman could run the company, Saudi Arabia has finally let women drive, even if only 10 have now received their licenses. Is it fair? Molly goes on a...
Israeli Culture Minister Calls for Boycott of FC Barcelona Supporters
Israeli Culture Minister Miri Regev ordered Wednesday a boycott of FC Barcelona fans (Barça), the soccer team for which Argentinian soccer player Lionel Messi regularly plays, following Argentina’s cancelling of its prospective soccer match against Israel in Jerusalem. The boycott will effectively bar entry into Israel of any individual who has ever expressed support of Barça. These “expressions of support” include purchasing the soccer club’s memorabilia, sharing related content on social media, or tuning into its games for longer than...
ISIS to Abandon Jihad and Focus on Preparation for 2022 Olympics
Embarrassed after both Syria and Iraq were shut out in the 2018 Winter Olympics medal count, leaders of the terrorist group announced that the organization will be taking a four-year break from jihad to improve its showing in the 2022 Olympics. “For the past four years, we have been so focused on purging the Levant of infidels that we have completely neglected curling and ice dancing,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted. “We have an eternity to reestablish the caliphate,...
ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities
After years of unsuccessful efforts to cause widespread devastation in the American homeland, ISIS leaders are turning towards fans of the Philadelphia Eagles for advice on how to destroy an American city. “When I turned on the TV and saw shattered glass, overturned cars and people rioting in the streets, I assumed one of our martyrs had carried out a major attack,” Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “I was shocked to learn that these valiant warriors were...
Turkish President Sentences Enes Kanter to 25 Years with Knicks
In a move that activists are calling a gross human rights violation, Turkish authorities have sentenced NBA player Enes Kanter in absentia to 25 years on the hapless New York Knicks. The sentence comes after Kanter, an up-and-coming star, was convicted of insulting Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan in a series of tweets. It likely means the six-foot-eleven center will spend the rest of his career with a franchise that has won just one playoff series since the turn of...
Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years
Suspicions of bribery have been raised following the news that Qatar is set to host every major international sporting event for the next century. “It was one thing getting to host the FIFA World Cup in 2022, but also hosting the FIBA World Cup, Olympics, Paralympics, Rugby World Cup, World Baseball, Ryder Cup, all the Grand Slams and countless other events for the next 100 years really does suggest something might be going on”, admitted a source from the FBI....
Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East
Former NFL quarterback and full-time activist Colin Kaepernick has taken another controversial stand, announcing that he now plans to give up football and devote himself to hunting bald eagles to protest US military action in the Middle East. “While America invaded Iraq and Afghanistan and killed billions of innocent African (sic) children, these stupid birds had no problem masquerading as symbols of American arrogance,” Kaepernick wrote on Facebook, captioning a picture of the former San Francisco 49er holding a dead...
ISIS Leader to Become Boxer, Fight Mayweather
Inspired by UFC star Conor McGregor’s performance in Saturday’s bout, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that he will take a break from jihad to try his luck in the boxing ring. “Fighting is fighting, whether you’re doing it in a ring with gloves or in Shia mosque with a suicide belt,” al-Baghdadi said in announcing his decision. “If McGregor can go from MMA to boxing, I can make the switch from jihad.” Al-Baghdadi insisted he simply wanted the chance...