War
Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys
Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys. West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President and asserting his autonomous right to free thought. The sudden support by West has rocked Black America’s political opinion, especially...
Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively in Social Media
As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: The next war will be fought exclusively over social media channels. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF official. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging in our strategic arsenal, and Hamas now has what everyone accepts is a brilliant Instagram account #nofilter, #thatsnotarocketintheplayground. This next...
Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools
Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach all Israeli cities, but that ultimately this was a failed strategy. He continued, “the rockets that we launch into Israel...
Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code
The Mideast Beast can exclusively reveal that the world-renowned Israeli intelligence agency, the Mossad, has plans to up its game and improve its spying capabilities by using new and innovative intelligence methods, including using Pig Latin as its new secret code. “We’ve been slacking lately”, a source told The Mideast Beast. “We haven’t really made any progress on the covert intelligence front for a few years now and most of our complex algorithms have been cracked by Iranian or Russian...
Nicaraguan Protesters Contact Mahmoud Abbas for Expert Rioting Advice
Nicaraguan protestors are turning to a new leader, who is an expert in attempts to suppress corrupt government oppression in a crap country where no one really wants to be anyway. “Abbas is the face of the longest-lasting civil protest of our time,” protestor Julio Gonzalez de la Peña stated between rounds of tear gas and pepper spray. “And it is our right as a disgruntled nation full of political corruption and little-to-no natural resources to protest.” As far as...
Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...
Netanyahu Really Counting on Iran
According to sources, Netanyahu is counting on the Iranians to pull through for him right now. An anonymous aide told The Mideast Beast, “You know with the cigar thing, the submarine thing, the news thing, the telecom thing all starting to heat up, he was really hoping a new war with Iran could shift the tide. There’s nothing like a good war to distract from a totally fake corruption scandal!” Another aide explained, “After the Syrians shot down that jet, we...
ISIS Plans to Strike US in ‘Operation Loiter in Starbucks’
In an attack that could cripple the US economy and the American way of life, the Islamic State plans to send terrorists to Starbucks locations across the country and occupy seats without making a purchase. Memos from ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to the group’s US sleeper cells describe the strike as the “9/11 of loitering,” as agents will spend hours in the coffee chain’s most comfortable seats without buying so much as a bottle of water. Not only would...
Parkland Crisis Actors Demanding Double Time for Syria Work
The Parkland professional acting troop, unofficial motto, “You Shoot, We Cry”, have been in talks through their agents on requiring extensive overtime payments for their recent work in Douma, Syria. A spokesperson for the group commented, “We’ve been flat out these past weeks and we simply feel that our commitment to our craft needs to be recognized by our Zionist/Anti 2A/Deep State masters”. “Frankly, being required to jet over to Syria on short notice to roll around in the rubble...
Media Shocked by Attack from Political Left
LONDON – After many months of accusations of bias from the political Right, media outlets have been taken by surprise by attacks from the other side of the aisle. UK Labour’s shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott, has lashed out at media over reports that she tweeted a misleading photo regarding joint US, UK and French air strikes on Syrian military installations. Ms Abbott has described as “pathetic” criticisms of her photo of a recent US fighter jet strike on Syria. “Why does it matter...
Trump Asks Why Mueller Didn’t Close Investigation After Syria strike
A baffled President Donald Trump has been discussing with close aides how he doesn’t understand “why people are still insisting I’m BFFs with Putin even after I bombed his other BFF.” “I tried everything, but the Fake News Media won’t listen! The minute I said the words ‘Cold War’ everybody in the world, especially poop-faced Mueller, should have stopped doubting my behavior. I’m president, for Christ’s sake!” Confiding in White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Trump revealed that he’d...
Mossad Unleashes Giant Kraken against Gazan Fishing Ships
The Mossad, Israel’s international espionage agency has released a highly trained Kraken to harass and destroy Gazan fishing ships. In a statement released by a Mossad spokesperson, they admitted to previously training sharks to attack Egyptians in the Red sea, as well as eagles to spy on Hezbollah, and of course Flipper Goldstein, the Mossad dolphin to spy on Hamas. The spokesman explained, “Honestly, the naval blockade and constant searching of fishing vessels are getting old and we were really looking to bump things up...
Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute
GENEVA – In a surprise announcement today, editors of the largest satirical news websites have declared that they are forming a new international organization with the central mission of “maintenance of international peace and security”. Following the UN decision to make Syria the head of their chemical weapons watchdog, just days after Assad’s alleged chemical attack in Ghouta, the conglomerate said: “Since the UN seems to be doing our job, it’s time we did theirs – it’s not like they’re...
Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write
The Mideast Beast is your trusted source for front-line reporting on the Middle East, a publication of unimpeachable journalistic integrity that holds itself to the highest standards of meticulous coverage and astute analysis. In fact, unlike other, slower news outlets, we don’t even have to wait for the news to happen to deliver a comprehensive report of them to our readers. This is made possible through TMB’s unrivaled network of intrepid on-location reporters who would sleep with anyone, as many times as...
Comey Not in Syria
Reports in from the overnight strikes on Syria have confirmed that James Comey was not hit. The Mideast Beast understands that President Trump authorized the attacks after reading a later-deleted tweet from the Fox and Friends account stating that the former FBI Director would be kicking off his book tour in Damascus. The tweet did not make clear that this would be Damascus, Virginia. Meanwhile, air defenses over Iran were reportedly on high alert following a favorable Yelp review by...
White Walkers Picket Wall
The Night’s Watch have been criticised by leading human rights organizations for their attacks on peaceful White Walkers picnicking the Wall. The Wall is recognized as the border by all nations throughout Westeros, Essos, and Sotheryos, however, it is not recognized by the White Walkers. Senator Bernie Saunders has criticized the Crows’ tactics saying that use of Dragons Glass is disproportional. “The White Walkers are the victims here”, Saunders said, “even if they are the victims of other White Walkers who turned...
Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists
Impressed by reports of Israeli snipers gunning down Palestinian journalists, US President Donald Trump has asked Israel’s government for advice on how to deal with hostile media. “When I so much as hint at offing a nosy reporter or point out that CNN is the enemy of the American people, everyone goes through the roof,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “But those Jews can just pick off whoever they want and get away with it.” Israel has come under fire...
Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time
Following last week’s “March of Return” in Gaza, Palestinians say they are almost positive that this time marching, burning tires, and throwing rocks will pressure Israel to concede to their demands. One protester explained, “Both my father and grandfather marched and threw rocks before me, and I proudly carry on this 70-year tradition. But, I am happy to say that I truly believe that this is the last year. Inshallah, 2018 will be the year that throwing rocks over the...
World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply
TEL AVIV – The Mideast Beast has recently discovered that The World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to Israelis’ and Palestinians’ water supply. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no one in Israel or Palestine seems bothered by the move. WHO spokeswoman, Dr. Jamie Gagglenuts, delivered an official and concise statement on why the WHO took such drastic steps: “the unofficial consensus within...
Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect
The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun of us and say we’re not real pilots, but we really do suffer. Our chairs don’t come with cup holders,...