War
Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is
Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Osama was a household name across much of the world. Everyone talked about him and...
Saudi Arabia: We’d Take Syrian Refugees If We Had More Room
As the international community continues to decry about the lack of help from Arab-Muslim countries regarding Syrian refugees, the diminutive Saudi Kingdom announced today that it really wants to help its Syrian brothers and sisters but it’s unfortunately bursting at the seams. Saudi Foreign Minister Abdul Jabbar commented; “We’re just full up right now. Imagine how you feel after Ramadan ends and you hit the buffet. Well like that. Look, go and ask Kuwait, they’ve got loads of space.” RELATED: Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive...
Insecure Gazan Man Furious at Hamas for Not Choosing Him as Human Shield
GAZA CITY – 56-year-old Palestinian Rafah Saleem al-Fayoumi stared forlornly at the funeral procession for his neighbor Hasan’s children, thinking to himself, “Why did Hamas leaders choose Hasan’s kids to be human shields against the evil Zionists instead of mine? Am I not good enough?” Turning to a sympathetic BBC reporter, al-Fayoumi then poured out his feelings: “Why is the blood of Hasan’s children somehow better than the blood of mine? It’s so unjust – Hasan’s family gets everything! Last week Hamas...
Taliban Negotiators in Awkward Water-Cooler Moment with Syrian Team
US envoys to the Taliban have experienced a stilted five-minute conversation with their colleagues on the ISIS desk, as they discussed their ‘working lunch’ with Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar. “So yeah that sounds nice” commented one State Department official currently grappling with wiping out terror groups in Syria. “Was there hummus? I bet there was hummus. Everyone just sitting round and chillin, showing pictures of their kids and stuff. Sounds great. Well don’t mind us, we will just go back...
Saudi Prince Promotes “Turkish-type Consulate” Peace Plan
During his official visit to Pakistan Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman has invited his hosts to join him and Indian negotiators at the Saudi consulate of their choice for what he has dubbed ‘an introduction to enhanced negotiation techniques.’ A spokesman for the Crown Prince commented, “His Majesty has always felt that when tensions are at their highest the best thing to do is to invite all the parties to the dispute to a sit down and a nice cup...
Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp
“Guilty,” said the Israeli judge, relaying the verdict of two Palestinian teens that stood accused of carrying out a terror attack that left several Israelis wounded. The teens, who make up the worst duo since Milli Vanilli, didn’t react to their verdict until they heard the sentence. “We were mentally prepared to spend time in an Israeli prison,” one teen told the press, “But… the punishment they gave us… it’s much, much worse.” The Israeli court decided that the pair...
Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is taking the Fight for $15 to the Caliphate, demanding that the Islamic State pay a living wage to its mujahedeen in Iraq and Syria. “These fighters work very hard, very long hours, in a very dangerous job, and yet they are paid peanuts while the Caliph and those around him live very comfortably,” Sanders said in a stump speech in Aleppo. “It is not fair that the top 1 percent of ISIS officials get 83...
Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism
In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...
Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools
Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach all Israeli cities, but that ultimately this was a failed strategy. He continued, “the rockets that we launch into Israel...
ISIS Leadership asks, “Are we in the Sixth Sense?”
ISIS leaders are increasingly concerned that they may in fact be emulating Bruce Willis’ role in the supernatural thriller. A spokesman said, “President Trump keeps claiming we are beaten, but we still appear to be here. However, we know the President is a highly truthful man. So that leads us to the only logical conclusion. Were we really dead the whole time?” “We’ve been looking back to meetings we’ve had with Western journalists, and actually when we think about it...
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest
These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mates right before their souls meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...
Mideast Groundhog Sees Shadow, Signaling Six More Generations of War
In a disappointing development for residents of the region, the Middle Eastern version of Groundhog Day ended with the groundhog seeing his shadow, an indicator that six more generations of war are ahead. Thousands of onlookers from across the Arabian Peninsula and beyond gathered in Mecca to watch Bunxsutawney Bill come out of his burrow, hoping he would usher in an era of peace. But the rodent soon scurried back into his hole, meaning the Mideast can expect at least...
God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount
With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...
“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch
In an attempt to regain some of the attention which has dissipated to ISIS in recent years, Al Qaeda is set to publish a provocatively titled new fighting manual and will be hosting their first book launch next week. Entitled “Fifty Shades of Jihad”, the manual is marketed as a “guide for both the expert and the uninitiated in the world of radical Islamism” and is said to “encompass all the intricate and often sensual facets of Quranic-inspired terrorism”. A...
ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk
In an attack they say will shake the nation to its core, the Islamic State promised to infiltrate the US wearing red hats and stand in public venues while smirking. The plan was revealed after Covington Catholic High School student Nick Sandmann’s appearance in a “Make America Great Again” hat at a March for Life rally in Washington DC led to widespread pandemonium and acrimony across the country. “For years, we’ve worked tirelessly to execute the perfect attack that will kill...
Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11
After reading several books touting conspiracy theories, former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden spent his last days in his compound in Pakistan questioning not only the U.S. government’s version of 9/11 but his own role in the 2001 attacks, newly released documents show. Among the books bin Laden kept in his Abbottabad compound was David Ray Griffin’s “The New Pearl Harbor,” which claims that the Twin Towers were not brought down by planes and that 9/11 was a “False...
UN to End All Conflict in Middle East by Bringing Back Ottoman Empire
NEW YORK — The United Nations has finally figured out a way to bring peace to the Middle East, by voting to bring back the Ottoman Empire. “Forget a two-state solution for Israel and Palestine, now we have a one-state solution, and it’s ruled by Turks. It’s perfect!” commented UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres. “No more wars between Israel, and well, everybody; no more Assad gassing his own citizens; no more Erdogan. Now all we have is rule by a...
Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields
Under cover of a moonless night in early April of last year, in the Gulf of Aden, Israeli commando units seized the Gaza-bound cargo ship Al-Aarnab. Beneath the usual humanitarian cargo (Viagra pills, e-cigarettes, Bud Light) the troops uncovered the even more usual rockets and weaponry. But in a hidden container deep inside the ship, they uncovered a secret payload: hundreds of the cutest puppies and fluffiest bunnies developed in secret military facilities in Iran. An Israeli intelligence analyst explained...
Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets
Claiming that the Russian strongman had promised an exclusive relationship, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly heartbroken to learn that Vladimir Putin has another asset. “I thought that what Vladimir and I had was special, and that carpet-bombing my enemies to oblivion was his way of saying, ‘I love you,’” a teary-eyed Assad told The Mideast Beast after seeing reports that US President Donald Trump is also a Russian asset. “I guess he just goes around dropping his bombs in...
Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’
Syrians have reacted angrily to a World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on all sides...