War

Biden Demands Iran Undergo Anti-Racism Training to Re-Enter Nuclear Deal
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Biden Demands Iran Undergo Anti-Racism Training to Re-Enter Nuclear Deal

The US and Iran are on the verge of re-entering the 2015 nuclear deal, but one key sticking point remains. President Joe Biden has agreed to lift all sanctions and allow the Islamic Republic to develop nuclear weapons but is demanding that Iran’s ayatollahs and elected officials undergo weeks of “anti-racism” training. Bestselling author Robin DiAngelo would fly to Tehran...

ISIS’s Daud Hojj Launches New Pillow to Rival Al-Qaeda
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ISIS’s Daud Hojj Launches New Pillow to Rival Al-Qaeda

Rival terror groups ISIS and Al-Qaeda have gone to the mattresses, with each organization launching a new pillow brand for its supporters. The pillow war started after Al-Qaeda began advertising its Jihad Pillow on late night television. The pillow’s tagline, “You don’t want to meet Allah without a good night’s sleep,” helped it become the top-selling cushion in the Middle...

ICC Chief to Launch War Crimes Investigation After Israeli Hummus Gives Her Gas
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ICC Chief to Launch War Crimes Investigation After Israeli Hummus Gives Her Gas

The International Criminal Court plans to prosecute Israel for violations of the Chemical Weapons Convention after a container of Sabra hummus eaten by chief prosecutor Fatou Bensouda resulted in severe flatulence. Bensouda announced she would launch a war crimes investigation after learning that the company’s founder is Israeli, meaning the country bears responsibility for her digestive distress. “The use of...

Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons
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Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons

In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a “scare tactic”. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...

Iran Seeks Peace with Israel After Learning of Jewish Space Lasers
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Iran Seeks Peace with Israel After Learning of Jewish Space Lasers

The Islamic Republic of Iran is looking to ease tensions with Israel, aiming to avoid confrontation after learning of the existence of Jewish Space Lasers capable of incinerating hundreds of thousands of acres of forestland. Iran had stoked tension with Israel until Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei read a 2018 Facebook post by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene revealing that the deadly...

ISIS Depressed No One Blaming Them for Capitol Attack
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ISIS Depressed No One Blaming Them for Capitol Attack

With partisans in the US arguing over whether Antifa or supporters of President Trump are to blame for the storming of the US Capitol, leaders of the Islamic State terror group are reportedly downcast that no one has even thought to accuse them of leading the attack. “Five years ago, if someone lit a firecracker in a Hooters parking lot,...

Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides
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Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides

Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation...

ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life
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ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life

Calling him “disgraceful” and “an infidel,” ISIS spokesman Abu Hassan al-Muhajir has announced the disqualification of Dr. Abu-Bakhr’s license to practice medicine. The decision to revoke his license comes after the surgeon provided life-saving intervention to a little boy suffering from tuberculosis. “Abu-Bakhr intentionally defied the protocol set in place to prevent this type of incident,” the spokesman said. “How...

Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen
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Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen

In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...

US to Sell UAE Massive Twisted Tea Shipment in Weapons Deal
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US to Sell UAE Massive Twisted Tea Shipment in Weapons Deal

In an arms deal that could change the balance of power in the region, the United Arab Emirates has agreed to buy 100 million Twisted Tea cans from the US. The UAE, which was previously looking to purchase 50 advanced stealth F-35 jets, decided to instead invest its defense budget in the alcoholic beverage after seeing a video in which...

Trevor Lawrence Joins ISIS to Avoid Playing for Jacksonville
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Trevor Lawrence Joins ISIS to Avoid Playing for Jacksonville

With the Jacksonville Jaguars clinching the top pick in next year’s NFL draft, Clemson quarterback and top prospect Trevor Lawrence announced that he will move to Syria and join the Islamic State to avoid playing for the Jaguars. Lawrence, widely considered the best quarterback prospect in a generation, acknowledged that he was not looking forward to living in the Syrian...

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria
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Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

According to the Russian Interfax news service, just in time for the holidays, Russia is planning to deploy an additional S-300 ‘Santa Tracking’ surface to air missile system to Syria. The weapon will be capable of tracking Santa Claus across Syrian airspace. The Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD) insists that the system is nothing for the US or its allies...

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy
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Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world that it is, indeed, a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing an ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “Look at other successful terrorist organizations; all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible. In the name of Allah, what do...