Yemen’s government has offered political asylum to President Trump. The offer comes after Trump was briefly evacuated to a bunker amid riots outside the White House. The Mideast Beast secured an exclusive interview with Yemen’s President Abdrabbuh Mansur Hadi. “Yemen normally has a strict travel ban on people from shithole countries such as America. However, Trump is such a charmer...
As Minneapolis and dozens of other US cities were burning during riots following the murder of George Floyd by a police officer, The Mideast Beast asked Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who is known as a seasoned expert on handling crowd control, what he thought about Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey’s handling of the situation. “Well, I am a gentle, polite man...
Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind...
Syrian President, and Russia’s personal puppet, Bashar Assad held an anticipatory memorial day for Syrians that he hasn’t killed yet. It comes on the heels of an unmasked President Trump and a masked Joe Biden who marked America’s Memorial Day this past Monday. An emotional Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from his recently revealed Damascus Institute for Inclusive Corona...
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani announced this week the formation of a committee to award the ״Major General Soleimani Prize״. The prize is in memory of the infamous general who died earlier this year from complications related to a hellfire missile and will be awarded for excellence in the category of “Struggle and Resistance”. The award will be the centerpiece of...
Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has decided to “embrace a simple Amish lifestyle free from Zionist technology.” The decision comes after Iran’s parliament unanimously passed a resolution banning any use of Israeli technology as a “crime against God.” Since Israeli technology is found in everything from laptops to smartphones, Iran’s supreme leader spoke to The Mideast Beast inside a 100...
Iran’s “Supreme Leader” Ali Khamenei, clearly frustrated, recently went on a prolonged Twitter rant, in which he, among other things, described Israel as “a cancerous tumor”. The rant came as a poster published on Khamenei’s website using the words “final solution” and calling for Israel’s destruction, drew criticism. “The Zionist regime understands no logic except force and it is the...
Rami Makhlouf, the first cousin of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and one of the richest and most powerful men in Syria, recently took to social media to complain about the Syrian security service’s “inhumane” treatment of him. Makhlouf – not a relation of the Chairman of the International Federation of Suicide Bombers, Makhlouf Abu-Jihad – has been financing Assad’s war...
Berkeley’s City Council has offered “safe space” to Iranian forces in Syria, currently badly battered by “racist Yid Demonic Forces (YDF).” The compassionate move from Berkeley, a world-renowned bastion of cherry-picked human rights causes, comes as Iran reportedly begins pulling out its forces from Syria after repeated Israeli airstrikes on Iranian military bases and Iranian-affiliated militias operating in Syria. Berkeley...
In a rare interview, Syria’s President Bashar al-Assad told The Mideast Beast (TMB) that he was greatly influenced by the latest developments in Israeli politics. Assad said that after hearing about the formation of a unity coalition “I was mind fucked. This is so brilliant. I am totally down to end the civil war and establish a unity government like...
The global furniture giant IKEA is now offering “assembly instructions to a flat-packaged Mideast peace.” The announcement comes as the popular Swedish furniture seller reopens its stores in Israel, Germany and China. IKEA’s upbeat Mideast Director Sven Borg revealed to The Mideast Beast why IKEA’s Middle East Peace Plan has better chances than the previous 789 clinically dead peace proposals....
Presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly sent an official letter to Israel’s founding father David Ben-Gurion, wishing Israel a Happy Independence Day. A frustrated Biden told The Mideast Beast that he was surprised that he never received a reply from Ben-Gurion who passed away in 1973. “Frankly I think it is rude that Prime Minister Ben-Gurion never bothered to respond to...
Earlier today, human doll and senior advisor to father-in-law President Trump, Jared Kushner announced a new plan to divide Israel and Palestine into 574 city-states to ensure social distancing during this novel coronavirus pandemic. Kushner, a well-respected thinker on Israeli-Palestinian affairs, having read 25 whole books on the protracted conflict, is also the current pandemic tsar. “The science on the...
President Assad of Syria, the guy other Middle East dictators would never let their daughters date because, you know, ‘standards’, has weighed into the bleach debate. In a news conference late Friday, flanked by his senior medical advisors he stated, “Look, I’m amazed I have to say this but please don’t inject yourself with bleach. It’s just an insane waste...
On Tuesday, Iran launched two more test missiles capable of delivering a nuclear payload. During a time when most of the world’s attention is focused on the COVID-19 pandemic, many have ignored Iran’s rapidly escalating rhetoric. Israel called upon the UN to condemn the missile tests, which they did because they failed to properly disinfect the missiles before launching them. ...
American forces have once again launched an invasion of Iraq, with the US now looking to return oil to the Middle Eastern nation after prices for crude dropped below zero. The drop in oil demand amid a glut of cheap oil has forced American refiners to pay offtakers to rid them of product. Shortly after US Marines reached Baghdad, American...
With the price of oil in negative territory for the first time in history, Yemen has offered its friendly neighbour a creative storage option. A spokesman commented, “As you can imagine we were devastated to learn that our friends were suffering such hardship, and of course we wanted to help. Now clearly, we couldn’t lend them any money because someone...
Yemen, the ever-innovative fount of radical solutions to serious world problems, is making headlines again, as its Houthi-rebels, who are fighting Yemen’s government, have announced how they intend to fight Covid-19. Yemen recently reported its first case of Coronavirus. The Mideast Beast, eager to learn what the Yemenite rebels from the country of unsurpassed medical and technical innovation would have...
Following years of criticism around the conflict in Yemen, Saudi commanders went on Fox News last night to announce that they were obviously only bombing innocent civilians “ironically.” “Jeez. Nobody can take a joke nowadays.” said army general and frequent sub-reddittor Mohamad bin-Mohamad. “It’s like how holding up a journalist’s head doesn’t actually mean I hate free speech. Bombing the...
In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...
