War
Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing
Islamic State leaders are blaming an increase in the availability of high quality Internet porn for their inability to recruit enough volunteer suicide bombers. Speaking exclusively to The Mideast Beast (TMB), Islamic State’s Director of the Head Separation Techniques Department admitted that the problem had become so acute that the organization has needed to put a new recruitment drive in place. “It used to be that the promise of 72 virgins in paradise would be enough to motivate any hairy palmed...
President Arrives at Rally with Bone Saw
The President wowed a capacity crowd last night at a rally, as he wielded a bone saw over his head. He described it as an unexpected gift from his close personal friend Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. “It just came in the mail this morning, so thoughtful. He’s just a great guy. I tell you, you know that I know the best guys.” The President, proceeding to wave the saw in the direction of the press pool gathered at the rally,...
ISIS Disbands After Stephen Hawking Reveals ‘There is No God’
The Islamic State has officially announced its dissolution after scientist Stephen Hawking’s revelation that “there is no God” made the radical Islamist group irrelevant. ISIS, which declared the restoration of the Islamic caliphate in 2014 and has spent the past four years waging a holy war, learned of Hawking’s discovery while reading his recently-published final book. The group initially tried to remake itself as a radical atheist organization, beheading believers and changing its slogan from “There is no God but Allah”...
Iran Just Loving Saudi Situation in Turkey
In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Iranian leaders relayed that they couldn’t be happier with what’s going on with their Sunni brethren over in Iran’s newest buddy, Turkey. Reclining back in their American barcaloungers, one Iranian official said, “Come on, we carry out terror attacks around the world all of the time and we never get busted like that. And 15 guys for one interrogation? We funded and coordinated the bombings of the barracks in Lebanon with two...
Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply
As Hezbollah is in the process of rebuilding itself in Lebanon after fighting in Syria, it is Israelis who are, more than anyone else, the most concerned. After all, the majority of marijuana imported into Israel comes from Lebanon, and Hezbollah has a serious piece of the green and sticky black business. “Look, I hate Hezbollah just as much as any of my fellow Israelis”, noted one resident from Tel Aviv. “And they should be destroyed, kind of like how...
ISIS Announces Plan to Destroy West by Ignoring Climate Change
In what the group’s leaders are calling its boldest attack to date, the Islamic State vowed to completely ignore climate change until it destroys Western civilization. In a chilling video, Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi vowed to do nothing to reduce carbon dioxide emissions despite a recent UN report warning that imminent action is needed to prevent disaster. “Unless the infidels withdraw from our holy lands, end their support for corrupt regimes and accept Islam, we will continue to...
Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise
Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 76 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic male martyr would have, but instead of the 72 virgins the Quran promises us, I only got 55,” said Hayat...
Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon
In a seismic military blunder, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Monday morning (GMT+2). Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah is stretched thin, still too busy in the Clown-Killing Circus, or Syria as it’s officially referred to. When The Mideast Beast asked how such a situation could possibly occur, the IDF Chief of Staff just shrugged his shoulders...
Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says
With the rise of groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS and Islamic extremism in general, the religion that gave the world huge advances in the sciences, mathematics, and medicine when it was younger, is now going through some natural growing pains. “Islam is going through a tough time right now,” Abraham, Father of Nations, said, as he poured a stiff glass of scotch, single malt of course. “It’s natural that Islam is facing things that all religions go through as they reach...
Facebook Introduces Post-Graduate Requirement for Commenting on Arab-Israeli Conflict
In a blow to online experts everywhere Facebook has restricted the ability of users to comment on the Arab-Israeli conflict until they have delivered proof of at least four years higher education (six if you went to Tel Aviv University, cause we all know that’s just a party school). Facebook spokeswoman Sarah Bluestein said “we’ve discovered that while we are the perfect outlet for sharing videos of people falling down holes and anything to do with kittens, we are far...
ISIS Announces Pumpkin Spice Suicide Vest
Looking to capitalize on excitement over the start of autumn, ISIS has announced a new line of pumpkin spice suicide vests aimed at attracting new recruits. “Martyrs will no longer have to wait until they are in paradise for their reward,” ISIS said in a LinkedIn post advertising an open position as a suicide bomber. “Their final breaths on Earth will be taking in the sweet smell of pumpkin flavor that can only mean autumn has arrived.” The initiative received...
Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...
Iran Celebrates Being Awarded ‘Biggest Terrorist Sponsor’ Two Years in a Row
Celebrations have broken out in Tehran following results labelling Iran the leading state sponsor of terrorism for the second year in a row by the US Defense Department’s annual survey. One DoD official’s remarks that “Iran remains the world’s leading state sponsor of terrorism and is responsible for intensifying multiple conflicts and undermining US interests in Syria, Yemen, Iraq, Bahrain, Afghanistan and Lebanon”, were described by Iran’s Supreme Leader as “music to our ears.” In a televised red carpet awards ceremony...
Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven
According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious: despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in painful sores, and going to the toilet is excruciating,” relayed Shapiro. According to Shapiro – who learnt Arabic from her...
Fans Fear God Can’t Think of Ending For Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
Popular author, God, has millions of fans all over the world. They literally worship the ground he walks on, and his best-selling books have sold hundreds of millions of copies. For years, God’s fans have reveled in the ongoing drama of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The action packed and dramatic saga has been popular news for decades. However some fans are beginning to worry. “It just seems like he’s reusing plot points that we’ve all seen before,” said one fan. It seems...
The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven
In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...
ISIS Unleashes ‘War of Micro-Aggressions’ against the US
Calling it the final phase in their mission to destroy America and turn the whole world into an Islamic caliphate, the terrorist group ISIS launched a new “war of micro-aggressions” against the US this week. “Until the American crusaders withdraw from our countries and accept Sharia Law, our warriors will appropriate their culture, subtly patronize their heritage, perpetuate harmful stereotypes and show little to no sensitivity towards Americans’ minority status in the global community,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told...
ISIS Recruit Thought He’d Be Drowning in Pussy by Now
19-year-old Hazem Talib assumed he’d be knee deep in warm apple pie after joining ISIS, but he has reportedly been very disappointed with the terror group’s weak poon game. “My cousins in ISIS, Mahir and Hamid, would tell me stories about getting crazy amounts of trim every single day, but I feel like I’ve been spending all my time just fending off mortar attacks and dodging airstrikes. I’ve barely gotten any action from the ladies at all,” Talib told reporters....
Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”
With an estimated 400,000 deaths and millions of displaced civilians, the Syrian War has been at the forefront of the world’s consciousness and news networks. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went to war with the Taliban and al-Qaeda?” posed Assad. “Then after the Iraq war everyone...
Marijuana Found in Armenia After Genocide, Turks Say
Turkish officials are defending their actions during the Armenian genocide, claiming that marijuana was found in the apartment of one of the slaughtered Armenians. The results of a search warrant issued 100 years after the World War I-era massacre were released this week, showing that 10 grams of the drug were found at the apartment of a young Armenian killed fleeing Ottoman forces. The announcement comes a day after Dallas police announced a similar discovery in the apartment of shooting victim Botham...