After a week of introspection, Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad has announced that despite the genuine criminal effort he put into clinging to power, he’s experiencing career burnout and will be returning to his ophthalmic practice in London by the end of this year. During the press conference the dictator stated that although he loves his country, he’s been fighting off...
*Reposted as a timely #ThrowBack article (originally posted in 2016)* Washington, D.C. — He says he would have prevented the 9/11 attacks, he’s criticized Senator John McCain for being captured during the Vietnam War, and presidential republican nominee Donald Trump shows no signs of backing down, as Trump yesterday blasted all Iraq war veterans as “a bunch of pussies...
While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...
Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by September in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their plans citing the plethora of...
The United Nations voted this week to extend the mandate of its peacekeeping force in Lebanon. There was some concern for the fate of UNIFIL, and that the failure to carry out its mission would reflect poorly on the force but UN Security Council representatives said that that has never been a consideration for Middle East policies. A spokesperson commented that...
The United Nations peacekeeping mission in Lebanon, also known as UNIFIL, is set to have its mandate renewed at the end of August. They are concerned, however, that the collapse of Lebanon over the last decade and the violence that Hezbollah has inflicted on the country, could reflect poorly on their ability to carry out their mission. In a normal...
According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious. Despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in...
Looking over the ruins of what was once Syria, Assad expressed dismay this week as he realized that he could have held onto despotic power by simply dismantling the post office. Although the murderous dictator would never openly admit fault, sources close to the former ophthalmologist say that he feels like “a bit of an idiot” this week after observing...
Following the blast that leveled a good chunk of Beirut, the Iranian regime joined the international chorus of pledges of aid. The Iranian Ambassador to Lebanon said that the Islamic Republic was willing to render any assistance necessary; when a Lebanese journalist asked if that included ceasing to use Lebanon as a staging area to attack Israel with blatant disregard...
Vowing to rebuild what the country had lost, Hezbollah Secretary General Hassan Nasrallah delivered a heartfelt speech Thursday marking the tragic loss of thousands of tons of explosive material during the August 4 explosion at the Port of Beirut. “Believe me when I say that nobody feels this tragedy more than me and my fellow Hezbollah members,” Nasrallah said in...
Looking to crush the last bit of resistance to his continued rule, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad has brought on talk show host Ellen DeGeneres as interior minister to keep the country’s Sunni majority in line. Assad made the appointment after reading about the strong hand DeGeneres took towards staff on her TV show. “I need someone who will rule with...
US President Donald Trump has requested that the Iranian government dumps their enriched uranium stockpile on Portland. The move comes after weeks of unrest led to federal law enforcement agents storming the Pacific Northwest city. “I found a solution. A great solution. The best solution,” said Trump in a 6,000-person rally which included 5,950 people above state restrictions. “Iran has...
Iranians are reporting feelings of despondency this week after decades of ‘Death to America’ chants are manifesting in American citizens’ phenomenally stupid COVID responses. The country, best known for its exports of rugs, caviar, the odd terror attack, and anti-Americanism, is now experiencing a general malaise, as although America is finally on the brink of death, it’s far less dramatic...
The Israeli Air Force (IAF) has reportedly asked the US to purchase KC -46 Pegasus tankers earlier than originally planned. The request is raising eyebrows that the aerial refueling capability might be for an attack on Iran. Although at a press conference, Commander of the Israeli Air Force, General Amikam Norkum, said that was not the case. “The Tankers are...
While It seems like the United States is handling the coronavirus pandemic about as well as a Parkinson’s patient in a minefield, a Pentagon source says that this might be more intentional than the public was originally led to believe. According to a source at the Pentagon, it’s part of America’s new cutting-edge counter-terrorism policy: The terrorists can’t destroy America...
Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has called off his attacks on the country’s Sunni population after reading Angela de Robin’s bestseller Alawite Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for Alawite Dictators to Talk About Sectarianism. Assad, who had waged a nearly decade-long war on his country’s Sunnis and Kurds, said the book opened his eyes to his own subconscious bias against Muslims...
Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world that it is, indeed, a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing an ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “Look at other successful terrorist organizations; all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible. In the name of Allah, what do...
As Americans put social distancing on hold to celebrate the 244th anniversary of its independence with illegal barbeques at forbidden gatherings due to the novel coronavirus, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...
In his new tell-all, The Room Where It Happened, former National Security Advisor John Bolton makes an array of shocking allegations, with information coming from inside the walls of the Trump White House. What has gone uncovered by conventional media, however, is the previously undisclosed assertion that the 2003 invasion of Iraq was, at least on some level, about access...
In a troubling week for members of the so-called ‘Islamic State’ – or whatever they call that last remaining mound of Syrian sand – the number of deaths from COVID-19 across the United States surpassed their wildest expectations of impact from any act of terror. Facing the reality that a disease was more effective than Jihad has created severe depression...
