War
Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career
White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client. “You expect to get away from it all for just a couple thousand years and that when you get back, all your affairs will still be in...
Inspired by Trump, Saudi Arabia Enacts (Poor) Muslim Ban
Saudi Leaders, looking to repair the relationship that many saw as being damaged under Barack Obama, and also saying they felt obliged to follow in the footsteps of its American allies, enacted its own (poor) Muslim ban this week and said that it would not be able to absorb refugees fleeing war torn Iraq and Syria. “We’d really like to help out our (poor) Muslim brothers, who speak our language, know our culture and are coming from right next door,”...
Pro and Anti-Israel Groups Agree: You Need to Spend More Time Thinking about Israel
“Just think about all of the things Israel does, and you’ll know how to feel about the state!” Interestingly, this claim could have been made by either side of the “Israel is great v. Israel is terrible” debate. Pro-Israel activists and anti-Israel activists disagree on nearly every point, interpreting every fact as supporting their position over that of their rivals’. From Israel’s heroic or genocidal founding, to its open or oppressive society, and even to its inclusive or racist culture,...
Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages
A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical Islamists has rendered the hereafter utopia struggling to meet the demand of rising numbers of fanatical militants killed in the name of...
Venezuela’s Economy So Terrible, Citizens Emigrating to Gaza
As the economic situation in Venezuela continues to worsen and other Latin American countries start to impose stricter visa entry rules on citizens attempting to leave, many Venezuelans are turning to Gaza as a place of refuge. “So, while I’ve heard there are periodic rocket strikes and choking blockades imposed by Israel and Egypt, and that the territory is controlled by an authoritarian Islamist fundamentalist terror group, it still sounds like a bed of roses compared to what we’re going...
Teachers in Gaza Report Missing Missiles for Unauthorised Absence
Teachers in the Gaza Strip’s UNWRA schools have noted that numerous rockets and missiles, usually located on school property, have gone missing, and have therefore acted by reporting them for unauthorised absences. Sources claim that many of these rockets’ absences can be put down to unauthorised trips outside of Gaza in which they made excursions into southern Israeli towns without permission from the relevant school authorities. It is understood that while Hamas is responsible for signing off such trips, Islamic...
Iran Prepares to Invade US After Trump Cancels Military Parade
The Islamic Republic of Iran is reportedly on the verge of launching a massive invasion of Washington DC after President Trump was forced to cancel a planned military parade in the city. Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei and his predecessor have been preparing for decades to invade the US and institute radical Islamist theocracy in the world’s largest economic and cultural power. Reports of a large American military prepared to fend off such an attack were dismissed, since this alleged...
Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means
In the wake of the recent Israel-Hamas negotiations, mediated by Egypt, Hamas has admitted that they never really understood the definition of ‘ceasefire’. “We always thought that it meant ‘say you’ll stop but carry on launching rockets as usual'”, one spokesman for the Gaza-based Islamist group admitted. “You see, we weren’t really paying attention in the first negotiation meeting years ago and we’ve been way to embarrassed ever since to ask anyone what a ceasefire is supposed to be, so...
Poll: Most ‘Liberal’ Zionists Secretly Hope Occupation Never Ends
Despite vocal opposition to Israeli control over the West Bank, most Israeli Jews who outwardly express support for a Palestinian state actually think it would be a disaster, according to a report by a Tel Aviv-based think tank. The findings are based on a poll conducted by the Israel Democracy Center among 2,000 self-described ‘Liberal’ Zionists in Israel. “We want to feel good about ourselves – and no one likes so-called ‘apartheid’ supporters in London, Amsterdam and Berlin, my favorite...
IDF Finally Looking for a Few Ugly Women
As the possible ceasefire with Hamas looms over Israelis and Palestinians, it actually has caused some to question the fighting ability of the Israel Defense Force (IDF). “The problem is the women,” according to Tel Aviv resident Yona Ballwax. “Israeli women are just too attractive. Everyone knows that an ugly woman will distract a Palestinian. The more they look like goats, the better for the war. But they don’t. They’re annoyingly hot!” The American Army has confronted a similar predicament. “In general, ugly...
Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”
In the wake of the assassination of Syrian chemical weapons expert, Aziz Azbar, Israel has been on the defensive about its alleged role in the affair. Numerous international press organisations and political actors have pointed fingers at the Jewish State for being behind the attack. “Why does everyone think it’s us?”, one Israeli government spokesperson protested. “First, who says there was any foul play involved anyway. It’s very common for cars to spontaneously explode, particularly in this hot weather we’ve...
Hamas Ends Space Programme After Iron Dome Intercepts Rockets
Hamas has rebuked Israel for using their Iron Dome rocket defence system to intercept rockets which the organization claimed were not aimed at Israeli civilians but were in fact part of a fledgling space programme. “We’ve spent more than a decade trying to develop rockets which can successfully kill or maim Israeli civilians and it’s largely gone to waste since we’ve hardly killed anyone”, one Hamas spokesman said. “So, figuring that we didn’t want all our rocket expertise to go...
Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls
Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they...
Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East
Washington D.C. — New leaks from the White House have revealed that the Trump Administration is fed up with generals who have strong understandings of the cultural, political, and historical nuances of the Middle East. One staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) told reporters, “President Trump is furious because Secretary of Defense Mattis told him that ‘Operation Turn Baghdad into a Parking Lot’ was not a viable strategy. I think it was actually Bannon’s idea, but Trump really had his...
New ISIS Recruits Shocked to Discover Fellow Jihadists Aren’t Very Friendly
Fresh faced ISIS recruits arrived in Syria last week, eagerly awaiting what is sure to be an adventure of a lifetime, pillaging towns, murdering civilians who don’t meet an arbitrary definition of what it means to be Muslim, and of course building bonds and brotherhood with fellow ISIS fighters. As the new recruits joined the ranks, however, some started having second thoughts. “I was a little surprised,” one fighter was explained, under condition of anonymity fearing that his fellow Jihadists...
Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols
As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it was a Mosque, so I was pretty upset, but then I saw that it was a school promoting coexistence, and...
Elon Musk Lashes Out at Human Rights Groups For Ridiculing His Two-State Solution Submarine
Elon Musk, desperate to find a use for his newly constructed submarine which Thailand’s divers declined to use for their daring rescue mission, has invited further ridicule for his suggestion that his invention could be used to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “Some say that PR stunts and loads of money being thrown at expensive toys can’t solve everything”, the billionaire engineering entrepreneur said in a statement. “Well, I disagree. Just look at Donald Trump and his golf courses. OK, bad...
Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’
The Gaza-based Palestinian Islamist group Hamas chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message comes more than two months after an outbreak of violence led to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants we normally only see when Ahmed’s chugging the fermented goat’s milk.” “Listen, we love hearing people rip on those Jews...
UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Fire Kites
The United Nations General Assembly issued a resolution Monday condemning Israeli farmers for damaging Palestinian flaming kites, which Gazans have been sending over the border into southern Israel, causing millions of dollars in damages to Israel’s agricultural economy. According to the United Nations, the kites are often damaged upon impact before the Israeli fields burst into flames. “In a typical case of disproportionate Israeli aggression, Israeli farmers are now using their gigantic fields of various agricultural products to destroy significantly...
U.S. Dad Excited to Find Internet’s Cheapest Family Cruise off Somali Coast
A local dad from Gary, Indiana named Doug Seaver is stoked to have found what he is reporting to be “the best deal in the history of the Internet.” He reportedly scored five tickets for a family cruise off the coast of Somalia, plus airfare, all for just $17.99. “When I saw this deal I was stunned. My wife asked if I’m buying tickets for our two teenage daughters and newborn baby and I was like ‘what do you think I’m an...