War

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group
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ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, what remains of the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a...

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy
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Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world that it is, indeed, a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing an ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “Look at other successful terrorist organizations; all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible. In the name of Allah, what do...

British Protests, Violence Mark 244 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
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British Protests, Violence Mark 244 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans put social distancing on hold to celebrate the 244th anniversary of its independence with illegal barbeques at forbidden gatherings due to the novel coronavirus, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...

Shocking Bolton Exposé Reveals Iraq War was Secretly About Oil
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Shocking Bolton Exposé Reveals Iraq War was Secretly About Oil

In his new tell-all, The Room Where It Happened, former National Security Advisor John Bolton makes an array of shocking allegations, with information coming from inside the walls of the Trump White House. What has gone uncovered by conventional media, however, is the previously undisclosed assertion that the 2003 invasion of Iraq was, at least on some level, about access...

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
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Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combating ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re...

Yemen to Trump: Now You Know What Bombing Feels Like
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Yemen to Trump: Now You Know What Bombing Feels Like

For years Yemen has been experiencing the (currently) worst humanitarian crisis of the 21st century, a country throat punched by war, famine, and pestilence, and much like Ivanka trying to mingle, they too are consistently ignored by global leaders. However, Yemeni diplomats felt a flicker of hope this week after watching Trump’s disastrous attempt at a campaign-relaunch rally over the...

ISIS Fighters Hope They Didn’t Look as Lame as CHAZ
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ISIS Fighters Hope They Didn’t Look as Lame as CHAZ

With the autonomous region of CHAZ now receiving increasing attention over its efforts to separate from Seattle, ISIS veterans have sought reassurance that their own breakaway efforts did not appear similarly pathetic. “When we broke apart from Syria and Iraq and declared our own country, I gotta admit, we all thought it was pretty badass,” says one early ISIS recruit....

ISIS Executes “Racist Journalist” for Insensitive Tweet
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ISIS Executes “Racist Journalist” for Insensitive Tweet

ISIS recently executed an unnamed American “racist journalist” in Syria after he tweeted that infidel lives matter, too. The execution came at a time of increased international focus on institutionalized media racism, after several high profile resignations of male editors from US newspapers, such as that of executive editor  Stan Wischnowski of The Philadelphia Inquirer, who recently resigned after experiencing...

Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels
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Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels

Iran’s regime has reportedly signed a “proxy resistance alliance” with Seattle anarchist rebels. The generous and entirely altruistic offer came after Iran became the first country to officially recognize the newly declared state, Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, (CHAZ). Iran is expected to open its new embassy in CHAZ after qualifying for Microsoft’s grants for “struggling low-tech entities.” Iran’s supreme leader...

Palestinians Can’t Believe How Quickly CHAZ Achieved Statehood
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Palestinians Can’t Believe How Quickly CHAZ Achieved Statehood

With their own struggle for statehood going on 55 years, Palestinians told The Mideast Beast that they are shocked at how rapidly the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone, or CHAZ, has achieved independence. CHAZ, which covers several blocks of territory previously controlled by Seattle, was established earlier this week, with Seattle immediately withdrawing its forces and recognizing the zone’s independence. “Why...

Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie
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Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie

Retired General and former US Secretary of State Colin Powell, who recently told CNN that President Donald Trump “lies all the time”, stressed, “I miss the days when America had an honest president who did not lie, like about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and stuff like that.” Full of nostalgia, an emotional Powell spoke to The Mideast Beast. “There...

Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas
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Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas

In a rare public statement this week Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad blasted Putin ally Donald Trump for only using tear gas on his protesting citizens. Although most leaders remained hesitant to criticize the “most powerful man in the free world,” for fear of international backlash, Assad took a bold stance against the US President and his use of force, specifically...

Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively on Social Media
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Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively on Social Media

As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: the next war will be fought exclusively on social media platforms. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF officer. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging...

Yemen Offers Political Asylum to Trump amid US Riots
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Yemen Offers Political Asylum to Trump amid US Riots

Yemen’s government has offered political asylum to President Trump. The offer comes after Trump was briefly evacuated to a bunker amid riots outside the White House. The Mideast Beast secured an exclusive interview with Yemen’s President Abdrabbuh Mansur Hadi. “Yemen normally has a strict travel ban on people from shithole countries such as America. However, Trump is such a charmer...

Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing
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Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing

As Minneapolis and dozens of other US cities were burning during riots following the murder of George Floyd by a police officer, The Mideast Beast asked Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who is known as a seasoned expert on handling crowd control, what he thought about Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey’s handling of the situation. “Well, I am a gentle, polite man...