War
Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is
Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Osama was a household name across much of the world. Everyone talked about him and...
ISIS Advice To NRA: ‘Semi-Automatic Rifles Not Enough to Overthrow American Tyrant”
In an open letter to NRA President Wayne LaPierre, top ISIS leadership has expressed concern that AR-15s may not be enough to defend average Americans from the threat of tyrannical government. It reads in part: “Hi man, al-Baghdadi here. Just wanted to take some time out from running the caliphate to hit you with some truth bombs. I hope they won’t hurt as much as the 500lb Paveway IV laser guided bad boys that the USAF keeps throwing around. And...
Trump Rushes into Iraq Unarmed, Destroys ISIS
Backing up his claim that he would have stopped the Parkland high school shooter, US President Donald Trump has charged unarmed into Syria and put an end to ISIS, saving countless lives. Calling civilians who fled their homes rather than fight the terror group “disgraceful,” Trump immediately left the Oval Office and boarded a plane for Iraq, parachuting into ISIS’s last remaining strongholds near the country’s border with Syria. Despite walking with a slight limp due to painful bone spurs...
Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls
Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they...
Trump Declares War on Wakanda
President Donald Trump has announced that he plans on “invading and securing Wakanda” in the coming weeks. In a speech, President Trump declared, “Wakanda is part of the global Axis of Evil that includes Iran, North Korea, and people who don’t stand for the national anthem. Unless they surrender, they will be met with fire and fury the likes of which have never been seen before. Then we’ll bring them the best democracy. Believe me.” “I am sending our best...
Syrian Government Confesses: Whole Conflict Played Out by ‘Crisis Actors’
A Syrian government official has admitted to The Mideast Beast that the war that has appeared to be raging since 2011 has in fact been elaborately staged to put Syria ‘front of mind’ and perhaps even get an Olympics Games nod for 2028. The official commented, “We don’t think we can carry on the delusion any longer as Alex Jones has been emailing us some very pointed questions. So best to come clean. Yes, it’s all been a hoax. Gotcha!...
Assad Considers Banning AR-15
Saying that he could only stomach so much violence, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly considering banning assault rifles like the AR-15. “After seeing students gunned down at school in Florida, I feel I must take action to prevent our own children from being harmed,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “I mean, yes, I do occasionally drop cluster bombs, barrel bombs and gas on Syrian children, but those are terrorist children so they don’t count.” Assad wasn’t the only Middle...
World Ready to Pretend to Care About Syria Again
The world has collectively decided it is once again ready to pretend to care about the abysmal situation faced by the Syrian people. A reporter from CNN explained, “We actually used to do a really good job of pretending to care about Syrian refugees and dead children, but recently we’ve been slacking. It’s tough, you know? Remember the 90’s? Those kids in Rwanda were so cute, it made it really easy.” One U.S. State Department official concurred, “Actually, 2012 was...
NRA Asks Yemen for Tips on Increasing Mass Shootings
With the US ranking second in the world in mass shootings per capita, the National Rifle Association has sent a delegation to Yemen to find out how to move into the top spot. “When it comes to gun ownership and violence, there is a lot that we can learn from Yemen,” said NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre. “The United States is the greatest country in the world, and there is no reason that we should be second in anything.” Yemen,...
ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys
RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name it! And everything we were doing was for the glory of God so I just assumed we were the good...
Al Qaeda Demands U.S. Adopt Metric System
Calling it his group’s ultimate and final demand, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri released a message this week, threatening massive attacks against U.S. targets unless Americans immediately and exclusively begin using the metric system. “For years, we have fought against the American crusaders for their imperialism, their attacks on Muslim countries and their support for infidel regimes,” Zawahiri explained in the video. “But it seems like now ISIS has got that covered, so if the Americans will just adopt the...
Israel Puts Plans to Convert Al-Aqsa Mosque into a Katz’s Deli on Hold
After weeks of unrest in Jerusalem following rumors among Palestinians that the Al-Aqsa Mosque was in danger, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that plans to convert the mosque into a Katz’s Delicatessen have been suspended indefinitely. “After a number of terrorists said their sole reason for stabbing random Jews in the street was that they felt Al-Aqsa was under threat, we decided now wasn’t the best time to announce that Islam’s third holiest site would be converted into a...
ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities
After years of unsuccessful efforts to cause widespread devastation in the American homeland, ISIS leaders are turning towards fans of the Philadelphia Eagles for advice on how to destroy an American city. “When I turned on the TV and saw shattered glass, overturned cars and people rioting in the streets, I assumed one of our martyrs had carried out a major attack,” Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “I was shocked to learn that these valiant warriors were...
Syrian Government Responds to Rebel-Held Swimming Pool Crisis
In a promising move towards peace in a troubled region the Syrian Government today airdropped relief chemicals to make rebel-held swimming pools safe to use. A spokesman for the government commented, “We may be on different sides of the fence when it comes to who governs this great country, but we are united when it comes to fighting fungal infections that can really ruin your pool time. So, we leaped into action the moment we heard about this brewing crisis.”...
World’s Extremists Worried World Won’t End with a Bang
Extremists from around the world have convened to discuss the increasingly likely scenario that the world won’t end with a bang. Representatives from the Islamic State, Kahane Chai, Aum Shinrikyo, and U.S. Vice President Pence’s staff met yesterday at an undisclosed location. ISIS spokesperson Mohammed al-Amriki explained the impetus for the meeting, “Despite our differing ideological backgrounds, we’re all in agreement that the world needs to end in an apocalyptic firestorm. Unfortunately, it’s starting to look like the world is...
Abbas Honors the Dozens of Jews Killed During Holocaust
In a move aimed at building trust with world Jewry, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas marked International Holocaust Remembrance Day with a statement honoring the “dozens of Jews who tragically lost their lives.” “We must never forget that the horrors of Nazi rule robbed nearly 100 Jewish individuals of their lives,” the statement read. “While this tragedy does not reach the level of the Rwandan genocide or Clay Aiken’s loss in the 2003 American Idol series, it is a tragedy nonetheless.”...
Iraq Thrilled by Turkish Threat to Swing by for a Fight
The Iraqi government has enthusiastically greeted Turkish President Erdogan’s threat to fight Kurdish forces on their soil. A spokesperson commented, “Fighting is really what we’re known for over here, so close neighbors offering to come and join in is always most welcome. There’s really more than enough pain and suffering to go around. Come one come all! That’s our motto!” A Turkish army commander spoke for many of his colleagues, “Iraq is really in the top three places that everyone...
U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift
This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought. Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat Gold Case Apple Watches.” Although surprised by the gift, some ISIS members strapped them on faster than suicide vests. “When...
US Government Suggests the Middle East to “Shut Down”
A spokesperson for the US government suggested over the weekend that the region voted “Most Troublesome” 2017 years in a row, consider following the United States into ‘furlonging’ all but essential personnel. “Really the Turkish invasion of Syria in pursuit of Kurdish militants currently backed by us is the last straw. We could just about cope when we just needed to state, ‘Saudi good, Iran bad.’ But this is some next level three-dimensional chess shit right here. And let’s be...
ISIS Further Decimated by ‘Tide Pod Challenge’
Already reeling after losing nearly all its territory in clashes with Iraqi forces, ISIS has been dealt another blow after half the terror group’s soldiers died attempting the “Tide Pod Challenge.” The devastation struck after a group of young jihadis were killing time on patrol in the town of Abu Kamel, Syria and came across a video issuing the challenge – to eat pods filled with Tide laundry detergent – on YouTube. Insisting that they were much braver than any...