War

Biden to Reinvade Afghanistan After Taliban Pulls Out of Paris Climate Agreement

Biden to Reinvade Afghanistan After Taliban Pulls Out of Paris Climate Agreement

In a stunning turnaround, President Joe Biden is now ordering US forces to re-invade Afghanistan and overthrow the Taliban after the terror group announced its withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accords. Biden previously stood behind his decision to withdraw from the country even as chaos unfolding in Kabul led his approval ratings to nosedive. But on Monday, the Taliban announced...

All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden’s bipartisan infrastructure bill has successfully passed a major obstacle as a result of a sudden and unexpected move: every single last Republican has thrown its support behind the infra package. The Mideast Beast has learned that it was the specific clarification that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” will be included in Biden’s expansive definition of infrastructure...

Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant

Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant

Calling the ice cream manufacturer an “existential threat” to the Jewish state – a phrase rarely ever used in Israeli political discourse – Israeli opposition leader and former prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called for air strikes against the Ben & Jerry’s dairy enrichment plant in Waterbury, Vermont. Netanyahu urged the US, which has more advanced technology and more powerful...

Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision
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Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision

Calling it a fitting response to an act of unprovoked aggression, Israeli forces have entered Vermont and are pushing towards the capital of Montpelier. The invasion comes days after Ben & Jerry’s, a Unilever-owned ice cream company based in Burlington, announced that it would no longer sell its products in the West Bank and East Jerusalem. “I was not bluffing...

Iran Considering Military Strike Against Itself following Suspicious Soil Sample

Iran Considering Military Strike Against Itself following Suspicious Soil Sample

Iran declared Friday that it has not ruled out military action against Iran, after Iranian inspectors reported that a soil sample from the Parchin military base – where a recent explosion occurred – contained traces of radioactive material. “After conducting a thorough inspection of the Parchin facility, we have found substantial evidence to suggest we might be illegally enriching uranium,”...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign promise to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way...

British Protests, Violence Mark 245 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
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British Protests, Violence Mark 245 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans put social distancing – and severe political polarization – on hold to celebrate the 245th anniversary of its independence with barbeques at Delta-ridden gatherings, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO...

IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’
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IDF to Launch ‘Operation Dictionary’

JERUSALEM — In the latest attempt to prevent any further fighting between Gaza and Israel, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) has been authorized to conduct ‘Operation Dictionary’. Guaranteed to delight definition-loving Hamas and Islamic Jihad fighters, The Mideast Beast has learned that Israeli forces will begin carpet bombing the areas with the books starting 07:00 Friday morning. Each specially designed...

Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria
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Russia to Israel: Civilian Casualties Unacceptable Outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria

In response to the Gaza conflict, Russia’s Foreign Ministry has warned the Israeli Ambassador in Moscow that further “civilian casualties are unacceptable outside Chechnya, Ukraine and Syria.” The senior Russian official Nikolaj Migchik blasted Israel’s “excessive” military operations in Gaza. “I’m shocked. More than 200 people have been killed in Gaza, mostly innocent masked children in their 20s with Kalashnikovs...

After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza
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After Britain Calls for “Proportionality”, Israel to Build Terror Tunnels into Gaza

The State of Israel has surprisingly decided to build terror tunnels into the Gaza Strip. The unconventional decision by Jerusalem comes after the British government urged Israel to ensure “proportionality” in its military actions in Gaza. “Israel must make every effort to avoid civilian casualties and military activity must be proportionate,” said the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s spokesman Max...

Iranian State Media Set to Win Pulitzer for Israel-Gaza War Coverage
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Iranian State Media Set to Win Pulitzer for Israel-Gaza War Coverage

Press TV, Iran’s state-run media arm, looks to be the big winner at next month’s 2021 Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, with multiple honors for its coverage of the 2021 Israel-Gaza War. The award for investigative reporting is set to go to the network for its account of Israel’s attempt to take down a commercial airplane leaving Gaza City by releasing...

Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means
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Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means

In the wake of Israel-Hamas ceasefire talks, Hamas has admitted that they never really understood the definition of ‘ceasefire’. “We always thought that it meant ‘say you’ll stop but carry on launching rockets as usual'”, one spokesman for the Gaza-based Islamist group admitted. “You see, we weren’t really paying attention in the first negotiation meeting years ago and we’ve been...

CNN Criticizes Iron Dome Attacks Against ‘Mostly Peaceful Rockets’
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CNN Criticizes Iron Dome Attacks Against ‘Mostly Peaceful Rockets’

Accusing Israel’s missile defense system of unprovoked aggression, CNN has come out against Iron Dome’s violent attacks on “mostly peaceful rockets” fired by Hamas from the Gaza Strip. Noting that the vast majority of the hundreds of rockets launched at Israeli towns and cities landed uneventfully in empty fields, CNN anchor Don Lemon pointed out that the Iron Dome batteries...

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide
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Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide

Following President Biden’s recognition and condemnation of the 100-year-old genocide, former US President Donald Trump took to the internet to insist that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump wrote on his new website. “Not all the Ottomans who...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien
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UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for the recent rocket-fire hitting southern Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for firing rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,”...

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair
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Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

The political implications are as grave as the story is improbable.  A Hamas Qassam-4 Rocket and an Israeli Iron Dome Interceptor have sent letters to their respective commanders declaring that they can no longer hide their love. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was the kind of thing that you feel deep in your fuselage,” said the Interceptor...