Following President Biden’s recognition and condemnation of the 100-year-old genocide, former US President Donald Trump took to the internet to insist that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump wrote on his new website. “Not all the Ottomans who...
The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for the recent rocket-fire hitting southern Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for firing rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,”...
The political implications are as grave as the story is improbable. A Hamas Qassam-4 Rocket and an Israeli Iron Dome Interceptor have sent letters to their respective commanders declaring that they can no longer hide their love. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was the kind of thing that you feel deep in your fuselage,” said the Interceptor...
The Syrian Civil War, which continues to rage, has claimed an estimated 500,000 deaths, along with millions of displaced civilians. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went...
A startling new report from the Institute of Basic Common Sense, suggests that in general people should use the time given by the warning siren of incoming rockets to seek immediate shelter for themselves and their families. In a move guaranteed to cause controversy it suggests that people using the time to position themselves for the perfect Instagram image are,...
Following the successful launch and landing of his SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket last month, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the entire Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing...
President Joe Biden has begun building bipartisan support for his infrastructure plan after the administration clarified to Republicans that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” is included in his expansive definition of infrastructure. Republicans initially vowed to oppose the more than $2 trillion proposal, arguing that it included mostly non-infrastructure spending. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s reinforced this perception when she...
After constant accusations of not truly representing Islam, thus leading to the downfall of its faux Caliphate, the Islamic State has decided that the Qur’an will no longer be the guiding force of their movement. The militant radicals will instead follow the far more violent scripture of mid 20th century American cartoons. Following visits from Acme missionaries to the Middle...
While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...
President Joe Biden has withdrawn his offer to enter nuclear talks with the Islamic Republic of Iran and officially declared war after Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei read the Dr. Seuss classic ‘The Cat in the Hat’ at a Friday sermon. The sermon started innocently enough, with the Ayatollah declaring “Death to America” and “Death to Israel,” and promising to hang...
From the vault: a TMB #ThrowBackThursday After the identity of the Navy SEAL who claims to have killed Osama bin Laden was revealed as Montana resident Robert O’Neill, Vice President Joe Biden was devastated to discover that the elite military unit was comprised almost entirely of humans and that the U.S. military did not employ any actual seals in combat. “During...
The US and Iran are on the verge of re-entering the 2015 nuclear deal, but one key sticking point remains. President Joe Biden has agreed to lift all sanctions and allow the Islamic Republic to develop nuclear weapons but is demanding that Iran’s ayatollahs and elected officials undergo weeks of “anti-racism” training. Bestselling author Robin DiAngelo would fly to Tehran...
On Friday a man was arrested at the Toronto Airport after returning from a six-year “work trip” to Syria. Despite the ticking sound coming from his backpack, Tedi al-Cruzi was quickly released from airport custody after he patiently explained that he was only in the region because his daughter really wanted to see a Russian drone up close. al-Cruzi utilized...
Rival terror groups ISIS and Al-Qaeda have gone to the mattresses, with each organization launching a new pillow brand for its supporters. The pillow war started after Al-Qaeda began advertising its Jihad Pillow on late night television. The pillow’s tagline, “You don’t want to meet Allah without a good night’s sleep,” helped it become the top-selling cushion in the Middle...
In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology, the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and...
In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a “scare tactic”. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...
In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, what remains of the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference, covered by OAN news network, between ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy...
The Islamic Republic of Iran is looking to ease tensions with Israel, aiming to avoid confrontation after learning of the existence of Jewish Space Lasers capable of incinerating hundreds of thousands of acres of forestland. Iran had stoked tension with Israel until Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei read a 2018 Facebook post by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene revealing that the deadly...
With partisans in the US arguing over whether Antifa or supporters of President Trump are to blame for the storming of the US Capitol, leaders of the Islamic State terror group are reportedly downcast that no one has even thought to accuse them of leading the attack. “Five years ago, if someone lit a firecracker in a Hooters parking lot,...
Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation...
