War

ISIS to Focus Entire Organization on NRA Fundraising

ISIS to Focus Entire Organization on NRA Fundraising

RAQQA, SYRIA – ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has released a new document entitled, “A New Vision for the Death of America,” where he calls upon the entire Islamic State and affiliate organizations to begin fundraising for the National Rifle Association. Outlining his plan, al-Baghdadi writes, “There is an American organization that enables anybody to buy high-powered military-style rifles capable of massacring many people! Literally, anybody can buy one of these things, and the American politicians do whatever this NRA says!”...

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

The questions usually asked whenever conflict erupts in the Middle East are, “How can we stop this?”, Who started it?” or “Again, really?” But now, some Middle East analysts are starting to ask an entirely new question: “What if everyone just ‘chilled the fuck out’?” We spoke with Ezra Goldstein, head of a Washington DC based think-tank, about where this revolutionary idea is coming from. “I think it’s really logical actually.” Goldstein explained, “Everyone loves to play the blame game...

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...

Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrian officials called for international intervention and condemnation of Israel for carrying out airstrikes against their favorite bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”. One Syrian soldier told The Mideast Beast, “you know after a long day, I just wanted to relax with my buddies and have a beer or a cocktail at our favorite watering hole, but now, thanks to the Jews we can’t”.  Another Syrian soldier said: “I’m really going to miss their Sarin Bombs! They were a killer, even...

Following Kurdistan Vote, US Excited to Have Another Middle Eastern Country to Invade

Following Kurdistan Vote, US Excited to Have Another Middle Eastern Country to Invade

Despite public condemnation of the Kurdistan vote for independence by the US State Department, behind closed doors, US officials have been thrilled by recent developments in the Kurdish areas of Iraq. One official commented “We’re just so happy there’s something new to work with here. The American people are sick of hearing about ‘Iraq,’ Afghanistan’ or ‘Syria’. We needed something new, something spicy to invade, and the Kurds have given it to us.” According to reports, one official of the...

‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments

‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments

Iran’s supreme leader is distraught over US President Donald Trump’s decision to dub North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man,” saying he has long been gunning for that title. “I have spent the better part of two decades building an illegal nuclear weapons and missile program, just so I could have a badass nickname,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “And Trump bestows this honor on that fat Korean infidel? Those damn Americans give us no respect.” “I mean...

National Rifle Association International Cuts Ribbon for New Yemen Branch

National Rifle Association International Cuts Ribbon for New Yemen Branch

The Ideology Sector continued to show growing export vigor as the National Rifle Association (NRA) opened their newest international branch in Yemen. NRA head, Wayne LaPierre, was on hand to cut the ribbon as an excited crowd shot guns into the air in celebration. “With its recognition of the fundamental right of every person to own any weapon on which he – or she! – can get their hands, Yemen offers a bright beacon by which America can chart its...

As the Caliphate Collapses, ISIS Hands Out Feedback Forms to Residents 

As the Caliphate Collapses, ISIS Hands Out Feedback Forms to Residents 

Following increasing pressure on its strongholds, ISIS has decided to hand out feedback forms to its residents. ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, wrote a foreword to the form: “Thank you for going on this magnificent journey with us. We want to ask our Muslim brothers to just take five minutes out of their day to give some honest feedback on the regime. We want to make things as good as possible for our residents, within our parochial and rigid interpretation...

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

Admitting that the group had nearly run out of underage girls for its fighters, the Islamic State has reached out to former US Congressman Anthony Weiner, offering the embattled politician asylum in the caliphate in exchange for his contact book. The offer comes as Weiner, once a leading candidate in New York City’s mayoral race, faces possible jail time after he allegedly exchanged sexually explicit messages with a 15-year-old girl through Twitter. “Anthony, join us in the land of the...

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism

In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...

Israel Reveals Missile Defense System Operated by Fat Kids Playing Video Games

Israel Reveals Missile Defense System Operated by Fat Kids Playing Video Games

The Israeli Defense Forces have disclosed that their state-of-the-art missile defense system is operated by fat Israeli kids playing video games. The Iron Dome system, which accurately targets enemy missiles and destroys them in mid-air, is one of Israel’s major defensive advancements of the past decade.  Gadi Eizenkot, the Chief of Staff gleefully explained the process to TMB: “We link up their PlayStations and X-Boxes to our national defense system. It’s a great way to save money on staff, plus...

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALS Ever Think About Them

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALS Ever Think About Them

During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALS still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALS hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump took office, they were looking forward to more midnight raids by special operations forces, but since January they’ve been feeling…...

Al Qaeda Leader Blasts ISIS in New Memoir

Al Qaeda Leader Blasts ISIS in New Memoir

Saying that Islamic State caused “lasting damage” to the global jihadi movement, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri has unloaded on his ISIS counterparts in a new memoir. “Everything that we did, ISIS just kept trying to one-up us,” Zawahiri complains in the book. “We proposed declaring a caliphate once we unite the lands of Islam, and they said ‘Well, we’ll declare it immediately.’ We proposed killing all the Jews and Christians, and they said, ‘We’ll kill the Shiites too.’” ISIS’s...

Former ISIS Sex Slave Struggles with New Life

Former ISIS Sex Slave Struggles with New Life

Somewhere in Ohio – Djali stands quietly in a grassy field, adjacent to her small house. She stares at the horizon, says nothing, breaking the stillness only to reach down to half-heartedly tug at the browning grass. This is because Djali is a former ISIS sex slave who was freed during the liberation of Mosul. After being taken in by a rescue agency, she now struggles to adapt to her new home on Elderberry Farms. One aid worker recalled Djali’s...

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has instructed lawyers to commence legal action against the state of Texas. A letter sent to Governor Greg Abbott outlines the case, “Our client objects to your attempts to take on the mantle of the birthplace of the ‘end of days’ with your so-called ‘biblical’ flood. It is a well-established fact that the end of the world will only commence within the confines of our region. Read your bible, people!” A spokesperson for the terror...

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, 1912, the Titanic ‘accidentally’ struck an iceberg, killing 1,517 passengers. The Titanic never reached its destination. Because of THE ZIONISTS. What many people don’t know...

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Iranian Generals Beginning to Feel a Little Jealous of North Korea

Following North Korea’s recent launch of a missile over northern Japan, Iranian generals have noted to reporters that they are jealous that the ‘Hermit Kingdom’ has begun taking such dramatic action. As tensions soar between North Korea and the US, many of them noted that they were experiencing extreme feelings of ‘FOMO,’ and began to question why their country had ever signed a nuclear deal. “It’s not fair,” General Haziz Ashkan told reporters, “We should have balls like the North...

ISIS Cell Seeks Counseling Over Premature Detonation

ISIS Cell Seeks Counseling Over Premature Detonation

Members of an ISIS terrorist cell are seeking professional counseling after one of their guys prematurely detonated his suicide vest in the bathroom of an underground dance hall, Abu Shakti’s Freedom Cave. During counseling, Muhammed Kadif sentimentally recalled life with his fellow Jihadi, “Kamal was the best in boot camp; he had the stamina of three camels. I remember how he would keep us up all night practicing the 72 prayer positions. He could pray all day and jihad all...

ISIS Makes Good on Threat of Attack of ‘Astronomical Proportion’ against US

ISIS Makes Good on Threat of Attack of ‘Astronomical Proportion’ against US

Islamic State has issued a public statement claiming responsibility for an attack of ‘astronomical proportion’ against the United States, ‘from coast to coast’ on 21 August. According to one ISIS spokesperson, the organization has taken full responsibility for the recent solar eclipse. Military defeats in Iraq and increasing pressure on territorial bases in Syria have led the group to seek new avenues of assault. Sources close to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, told The Mideast Beast that their...

Man Photographed Strapped with AK-47 Shocked to Be Called ‘Radical’ at Hamas Rally

Man Photographed Strapped with AK-47 Shocked to Be Called ‘Radical’ at Hamas Rally

AL-CHARLOTTESVILLE — Photos of Hamas members at a rally are being plastered all over the Internet. One in particular, which has since become the face of the ‘Unite the Fight’ rally, is that of Ibrahim al-Masri, a 21-year old university student from Hebron. He was shocked when he saw a frightening photo of himself screaming and firing his AK into the air on the Internet. Speaking to The Mideast Beast al-Masri commented, “Yes, I am a member of Hamas but...