War
Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’
The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by the attack, especially after the diplomatic letter sent by the Beverly Hills Ambassador to Iran, Ms. Rose McGowan. Survivors surveyed...
Trump Declares Day of Rage against Uncooperative Pentagon
President Trump has reportedly declared a Day of Rage against the Pentagon. The escalating move comes after the Pentagon rejected Trump’s threat to bomb Iranian cultural sites. A mildly irritated President Trump told The Mideast Beast: “Nobody can give better orders than me. The undrained Pentagon swamp consists of unstable total losers, probably secret Pocahontas or Bernie Slanders supporters. As long as a stable genius like me leads the US, the Pentagon will do exactly as I tell them. If...
Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses
Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually read the Hague Convention, and it definitely doesn’t mention lush greens and challenging water obstacles anywhere.” A Pentagon spokesman commented,...
Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People
Pondering how to respond to American air strikes that took out his top general, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei admitted that he longed for the days when the greatest threat to his power was the Iranian populace looking for basic human rights. “You know who never kills your top military officials in a drone strike on foreign soil? Unarmed protestors,” Khamenei said wistfully. “You can kill them by the thousands – and trust me, I have – and the worst...
Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate
Former National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes, who was once billed as Barack Obama’s foreign policy Guru was devastated to hear the horrible news that President Trump had authorized an airstrike that killed Iranian Quds Force leader, General Qasem Soleimani. “Qasem Soleimani, also known as “Asshole” by Yemenis, was the kind of moderate Iranian leader that we needed for peace in the Middle East,” Rhodes said in an interview immediately following the strike. “Sure he has the blood of hundreds of...
‘We Could Have Just Paid You Back for the Broken Glass,’ Khamenei Says
After his top commander was killed by a US airstrike, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has accused Americans of being “really anal about your embassies all of a sudden.” “I mean, jeez, talk about an overreaction,” Khamenei said in his first official statement after the death of Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis — the deputy head of the Iran-backed Iraqi Popular Mobilization Forces. “All our militias did was break a few windows. We could have just...
US Ambassador Regrets Suggesting New Year’s After Party at His Place
The US Ambassador to Iraq has confessed feeling some regret that his drunken invitation for “Everyone to come back to my place to keep this party going!” has ended with the sacking of the Embassy. A spokesman for the Ambassador commented, “Look, its New Year, and to be frank the party at the British Embassy had been pretty lame, just loads of warm beer and sexual repression. So, it’s perfectly understandable that we would want to liven things up. How...
Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson
Following another rocket launch from Gaza, the Israeli Air Force (IAF) has retaliated with airstrikes against terrorist infrastructure. An IAF spokesperson commented “We are confident that these strikes sent a message to Hamas that we weren’t able to achieve with last week’s airstrikes, or for that matter the ones last month, and also those back in September.” Standing in front of a black-and-white photo he pointed out that the IDF had achieved their primary goal of shifting piles of rubble...
Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide
Refusing to sign a bipartisan resolution condemning the 100-year-old genocide, US President Donald Trump insisted Tuesday that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump said during a press conference called to discuss infrastructure legislation. “Not all the Ottomans who went there to kill the Armenians were interested in genocide. Some were just upset about what happened to Australian Archduke...
Human Rights Watch Praises Iran for Only Killing Shitty Civilians
Defending the Islamic Republic’s brutal crackdown against economic protestors, Human Rights Watch Executive Director Kenneth Roth praised the Iranian government for only killing civilians who were “really losers to begin with anyway.” “If reports are true, Iran’s record of only killing shitty civilians who weren’t contributing much to begin with is commendable,” Roth Tweeted. “It would be better if they didn’t kill anyone, but nobody’s perfect.” Roth, whose statement came after an earlier tweet praising Iran for not killing civilians...
Hamas Feels Betrayed as Israel Cheats with Islamic Jihad
Following the recent targeted killing of a high-ranking leader of Palestinian militant group Islamic Jihad, violence erupted as the terrorist organization and the IDF traded blows. While the media portrayed both sides as being victims of violence and extremism, it seems as if the true victim in this conflict has somehow been passed over: a heartbroken Hamas. Late last night the Islamist group-quasi government in control of Gaza took to the internet to express its sorrows, “It’s not like we...
Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls
Following its crippling defeat with the loss of its capital Raqqa, most of its men, and their ‘Chubby Caliph’, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. One of the last remaining ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve...
Former Al Qaeda Jihadist Disappointed He Didn’t Qualify for Veterans Day Sales
Calling it a “disgusting act of Islamophobia,” former Al Qaeda jihadist Mohammad al-Baktar, who now refers to himself as Martin Brown, was rejected from participating in any of his local malls’ Veterans Day sales. “I cannot believe that this is happening in 2019,” Mr. Brown said during an interview with one reporter from The Mideast Beast. “Back in Afghanistan I was promised the perks of martyrdom, which I guess is good after death. However, I came to the United States...
Trump Asks Turkey to Invade Mexico
Insisting that someone must do something about gang violence that now threatens US citizens, President Donald Trump has called on his Turkish counterpart, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, to send troops into Mexico. “These murderous gangs have been wreaking havoc on innocent families in Mexico and now America, and the only way to stop them is to confront them with overwhelming force,” Trump declared during a press conference. “This is a job for the best fighting force the world has ever known...
Warren Proposes ‘Jihad Tax’ to Defeat al Qaeda, ISIS
Insisting that there is no problem on Earth that can’t be solved by the right tax, Senator and Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has proposed a “jihad tax” to wipe radical Islamic groups like ISIS and al Qaeda off the map. Her detailed proposal would create a system for taxing everything from suicide bombings and beheadings to hijackings and pipeline attacks. Terrorists would still be targeted in special forces missions, but SEAL Team Six will now comprise IRS agents instead...
Hamas Calls Weekend Rockets “Interactive Fireworks”
Following this weekend’s barrage of rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, a Hamas spokesperson has stated they were simply celebratory fireworks. “I would like to clarify a misunderstood situation,” the spokesperson wrote on his Facebook timeline. “The Palestinian people were simply overjoyed about the past few months of calm. Some of our citizens were so happy that they had decided to launch celebratory fireworks, an interactive lightshow if you will. Interactive fireworks are a classic in Palestinian culture.” This wouldn’t...
Dog in Baghdadi Raid Defects to ISIS After Promise of Unlimited Belly Rubs
In what is being called the greatest American betrayal since Benedict Arnold, the Belgian Malinois who helped track down Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, has defected to ISIS after the terror group promised her unlimited belly rubs. The dog, named Conan, had become a hero in the US for her role in the killing of Baghdadi, even being mentioned as a candidate of the Medal of Honor. But all it took for ISIS to flip her was a 23-second...
‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say
Radical Islamic terrorists from across the Middle East are calling it quits following the death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, with all agreeing that the time has come to abandon jihad and accept Western values. “Listen, we had a really good run blowing stuff up and beheading Americans while we recreated the world of Muhammad and the rightly guided caliphs,” one former ISIS fighter said as he sipped on a can of Coca-Cola. “But let’s face it. Our Caliph...
Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy
Special forces Belgian Malinois, ‘Classified’ has been named by President Trump as his new envoy to the Middle East. The very good puppy was selected for the position following his key role in the death of ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi earlier this week. A spokesman for the President commented, “Loyal without question, willing to do anything for a belly rub, and at his happiest curled at the end of the President’s bed. These are just some of the qualities...
ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals
With the terror group’s leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, reportedly dead in a US raid, members of the Islamic State are begging US President Donald Trump to stop sending mixed signals. “First, you finally ditch those Kurds that have been killing us for years and let thousands of our prisoners break free,” one ISIS executive told The Mideast Beast. “Then just when we think you are really committed to working things out, you go and kill our best terrorist! It’s enough...