War
Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows
The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, 1912, the Titanic ‘accidentally’ struck an iceberg, killing 1,517 passengers. The Titanic never reached its destination. Because of THE ZIONISTS. What many people don’t know...
ISIS Leaders Reveal ‘Secrets’, Joining Trump in New Age of Transparency
Following the lead from the US President, terror cell leaders are striving to become much more open regarding their future plans. From their last holdouts across Syria, ISIS are leading the new wave of sharing. In an online video posted yesterday a spokesman for the group stood in front of a large white board clearly indicating the groups location, composition and plans for breakfast. “We admit that we are struggling right now and our previous policy of complete secrecy was...
Al Qaeda Severs Ties with Boeing
Following a series of incidents involving Boeing 737 Max 8 airliners, Al Qaeda announced they will no longer be using American made aircraft in their terrorist attacks. “It kind of sucks,” said a spokesman of the organization. “We were just going to start up the hijacking thing again. With ISIS taking the spotlight on the ground, we really didn’t need Boeing stealing our thunder in the sky. Pun unintended. Word play is for infidels.” The grounded terrorists said that they...
Trump Vows to Make Iran Pay for Associating with U.S. Enemies Like European Union and Barack Obama
Over the course of his campaign, President Trump made it clear that he intended to deal with the Iranian regime by utilizing the same skills he used to pay someone else to write The Art of the Deal. But a few years on, he has discovered that the Iranian regime won’t just follow your lead like a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe while boarding Air Force One. Sources have indicated that tensions with Iran are intensifying, making...
Iran Threatens to Suspend Nuclear Weapons Treaty Clauses “For Purely Peaceful Purposes”
Following Iran’s threats to withdraw from select aspects of the controversial nuclear agreement, the Islamic Republic has insisted, once again, that its nuclear programme is for purely peaceful purposes. “Our decision to keep surplus uranium stocks and further develop our heavy-water nuclear reactor at Arak has nothing whatsoever to do with our relentless war on the Zionists or the Great Satan that is the United States”, one Iranian official said. “Just because these things could be used to create and fuel...
Trump Challenges Iranian Leader to Winner-Take-All Game of Battleship
In another dramatic foreign policy development, US President Donald Trump has threatened to annihilate Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei in Hasbro’s classic board game ‘Battleship.’ In a tweet that reportedly stunned the president’s generals and top advisors, Trump offered to withdraw all military forces from the Middle East and turn over the entire US nuclear arsenal to Iran if the Ayatollah beats him in a winner-take-all Battleship match. “I have a very big brain and no (sic) more about war...
Israel-Gaza Ceasefire Announced to Celebrate Royal Baby
Citizens in Israel and Gaza were grateful this week for an agreed ceasefire in celebration of the new British Royal Baby. Sources have confirmed that Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Prime Minister Netanyahu met in person following their synchronized CNN blasts that Megan was indeed in labor, before formally announcing the brief hiatus this morning under the moniker Operation Silver Spoon. The meeting allegedly discussed whether the baby would be a boy or a girl, if they would be satisfied...
Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’
In light of the very “shooty” Israeli response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, Hamas and Islamic Jihad are claiming that hundreds of rockets have been fired “by mistake” and that they are simply “really clumsy.” “This is all one big misunderstanding,” said one terrified Hamas member crouching in an underground tunnel as Israel shelled targets above. “We never meant to fire any rockets. I myself tripped up on a rocket while I was herding sheep. It was lying...
As The Philippines Declares War on Canada Over Garbage, Middle East Reconsiders Reasons For Conflict
Following Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte’s declared threat to go to war against Canada for the latter’s shipment of tons of garbage to the South East Asian nation, the countries of the Middle East are reconsidering reasons for war. “We’ll be honest with you, a lot of our wars out here have been over pure and simple issues of power and economy”, one al-Qaeda spokesperson said. “Our fight against Western Imperialists has been as much about our opium trade than any...
Hamas Reminds Confused Israelis: “Summer Doesn’t Begin Until First ‘Summer Missile’ is Fired”
“It’s hot, and then cold, and then hot again!” exclaims Yosi Kahn, a storeowner whose business is centrally located in Tel Aviv. “We’re getting frustrated over here.” Yosi isn’t the only citizen in the Middle East confused by the weather lately. While historical climate data mostly shows warm, yet mild temperatures throughout the region at this time of year, this spring has shown Israelis a mix of warmth, and simply unacceptable rain. Climate Data however is a thing of the...
Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”
RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...
Islamic State Leader Surprised Barr Memo Didn’t Mention Trump Joining ISIS
Saying that he “thought it would have been kind of a big deal,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said he was a bit surprised to find US President Donald Trump’s pledge of allegiance to the Islamic State did not come up in Attorney General William Barr’s summary of the Mueller report. “I am no expert on American politics, but I thought the fact that President Trump formally swore to defend the Caliphate until his dying breath would have at least...
Gaza Reporters Finally Catch Up on ‘Game of Thrones’
With nothing newsworthy taking place in the Gaza Strip in recent weeks, reporters covering the territory have finally had the chance to binge hit HBO show “Game of Thrones.” After months of constantly reporting on every Israeli action in Gaza, reporters said they were pleasantly surprised to find that the latest series of protests were not against Israel at all. “Honestly, when I heard that a Palestinian writer had his fingers smashed and that civilians were being beaten on the...
Waqf Insists That Palestinian Temple Mount Rioters Are Just In “Purim Fancy Dress”
The Jordanian Waqf, the Islamic body that administers Jerusalem’s Temple Mount complex, has insisted that the balaclava-donning Palestinian youths armed with rocks and Molotov cocktails gathering at the site are simply engaging in “harmless Purim fancy dress”. In anticipation of another crackdown in Muslim areas of the Old City by the Israeli Army, the Waqf has sought to downplay reports that groups of young Palestinians are once again seeking to cause bedlam by hurling rocks and bombs at Israeli soldiers....
ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group
In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a lot of obstacles to getting this deal done,” Spencer told reporters. “Namely, we hate Arabs and Muslims, and they hate whites and infidels.”...
Assyrians Massacred After Pelosi Leaves Them Out of Anti-Hate Resolution
In one of the Middle East’s worst genocides in a generation, tens of thousands of Assyrians were killed after US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi forgot to include them in a resolution condemning hate. The resolution, originally proposed to focus on anti-Semitism after a string of controversial comments by Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, was ultimately turned into a comprehensive list condemning all possible bigotries. But while denouncing hate against Jews, Muslims, African Americans, Latinos, Swedes, the LGBTQ community, dentists, Klingons, snow...
Israel and Hamas Begin Roundtable Discussions to Plan This Summer’s War
As springtime is approaching, and in accordance with regulations that a war between Israel and Gaza occur once every two years in the summertime, Israeli and Hamas authorities have begun talks this week to plan the initial stages of the conflict. According to transcripts obtained from closed door meetings, Hamas suggested that they unveil a new 200 km range missile in this round of fighting in order to “spice up” the “breakout stage” and really “blow away” international crowds. However, Israeli...
Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALs Ever Think About Them
During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALs still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALs hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump took office, they were looking forward to more midnight raids by special operations forces, but since January they’ve been feeling…...
Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is
Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Osama was a household name across much of the world. Everyone talked about him and...
Saudi Arabia: We’d Take Syrian Refugees If We Had More Room
As the international community continues to decry about the lack of help from Arab-Muslim countries regarding Syrian refugees, the diminutive Saudi Kingdom announced today that it really wants to help its Syrian brothers and sisters but it’s unfortunately bursting at the seams. Saudi Foreign Minister Abdul Jabbar commented; “We’re just full up right now. Imagine how you feel after Ramadan ends and you hit the buffet. Well like that. Look, go and ask Kuwait, they’ve got loads of space.” RELATED: Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive...