Israel

12-Step Program for Anti-Israel Addicts
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12-Step Program for Anti-Israel Addicts

THE INTERNET — On Thursday evening The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with Dr. Omer Rashida-Cortez, Director of the Anti-Israel Addicts Anonymous group, who has developed a 12-step program not just for “Israel = apartheid” addicts but specifically tailored for addicts who get every. fucking. thing. wrong. about Israel. Rashida-Cortez noted, “At least drunks can be fun and...

Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”
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Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”

Miss Iran, Fatameh Ayatollicious, has reportedly been disqualified from the upcoming Miss Universe competition due to “excessive facial hair growth.” The news came amid reports that the contestant, who attended every single event wearing a tunic and turban, appeared to be at least 70 years old and suspiciously resembled Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “I’m not saying that the Miss...

Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! US Jews Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven
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Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! US Jews Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven

Hundreds of Americans have sought refuge in Israel as anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist fervor grows in America. American Jew, James Silverberg, has settled in Tel Aviv. He explained to reporters, “Things are totally crazy back home. On the extreme right, you’ve got these crazy racists screaming, ‘Jews will not replace us!’ And then they turn around and say they admire Israel...

Amnesty Blasts Israel for ‘War Crimes’; Israel’s Feelings Hurt
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Amnesty Blasts Israel for ‘War Crimes’; Israel’s Feelings Hurt

Following totally expected statements from Amnesty International blasting Israel for ‘war crimes’ – and accusing the 73-year old Zionist badass of ‘callous indifference’ regarding targets in pretty much all wars with Gaza – The Mideast Beast caught up with the Zionist pinup for an exclusive chat. “Look, I can accept that Amnesty thinks I may have been a bit heavy-handed...

Israel Found Guilty
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Israel Found Guilty

The international community issued firm condemnation of Israel’s recent actions earlier today. An emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council was convened in order to issue a number of resolutions against the Jewish State. Member states accused Israel of being “inhumane,” and acting with “utter disregard for human life and wellbeing.” Israel has responded to these claims by saying...

Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It
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Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It

In another move aimed at supporting the anti-Israel BDS movement, Irish author Sally Rooney announced that she will double the price of her new novel to prevent Jews, notoriously stingy, from buying the book. Determined to ensure her book is not read by any Israelis or Zionists, Rooney already refused to allow her book to be translated into Hebrew. But...

Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance
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Israel Destroys Syrian Air Force after It fails to Keep Social Border Distance

In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...

Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards
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Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards

The Israel Prison Service is facing tough questions over its decision to hire the guards tasked with monitoring Jeffrey Epstein to protect six Palestinian prisoners. The guards, Tova Noel and Michael Thomas, had been assigned to protect Epstein when the financier and convicted sex offender was found dead in his cell in August 2019. Speaking on the condition of anonymity,...

Netanyahu Hospitalized After Pounding 5782 Shots for Jewish New Year
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Netanyahu Hospitalized After Pounding 5782 Shots for Jewish New Year

Former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu began the Jewish New Year in the hospital after attempting to take 5782 shots of liquor – one for each year in the Jewish calendar – in a Rosh Hashanah celebration that soon spun out of control. The former premier – who recently lost his grip on power to the ‘Coalition of Change’ –...

Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision
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Israeli Forces Invade Vermont in Response to Ben & Jerry’s Decision

Calling it a fitting response to an act of unprovoked aggression, Israeli forces have entered Vermont and are pushing towards the capital of Montpelier. The invasion comes days after Ben & Jerry’s, a Unilever-owned ice cream company based in Burlington, announced that it would no longer sell its products in the West Bank and East Jerusalem. “I was not bluffing...

Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem
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Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem

In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the day when the Summer Olympic Games will be held in Israel. Construction will take place by the end of the month, and Israel maintains...

Ilhan Omar Doubles Down, Compares Israel to Sith Empire
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Ilhan Omar Doubles Down, Compares Israel to Sith Empire

Refusing to back down from her earlier comments comparing Israel and the US to Hamas and the Taliban, Rep. Ilhan Omar has now equated Israel with the Darth Vader-led Sith Empire. “We have seen unthinkable atrocities, including the destruction of entire planets, by evil entities like the Sith Order, the Galactic Empire, Israel, and Republicans in Congress,” Omar told CNN’s...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week
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Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv last week during the city’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly...