A detection error by Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, took out one of Santa’s reindeer and threatened to derail Christmas Friday night. Saint Nick was flying from Lebanon into northern Israel, where he was set to deliver toys to Christian children in and around Nazareth. When the Iron Dome detected a suspicious group of objects flying low in the...
The Mideast Beast, among other reputable news outlets, are asking, “If this happened last year on New Year’s Eve, what the hell’s coming at midnight 2022? JERUSALEM – Not long after painting Egypt’s pyramids of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In...
TEL AVIV – From the United States of America to the Federated States of Micronesia, the global supply chain crisis is causing a surge in demands that continue to be unmet. For Christmas, children around the world won’t get the toys they want, and the Karens of Suburbia might be facing an unimaginable situation: the entire holiday season without wine....
THE INTERNET — On Thursday evening The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with Dr. Omer Rashida-Cortez, Director of the Anti-Israel Addicts Anonymous group, who has developed a 12-step program not just for “Israel = apartheid” addicts but specifically tailored for addicts who get every. fucking. thing. wrong. about Israel. Rashida-Cortez noted, “At least drunks can be fun and...
Miss Iran, Fatameh Ayatollicious, has reportedly been disqualified from the upcoming Miss Universe competition due to “excessive facial hair growth.” The news came amid reports that the contestant, who attended every single event wearing a tunic and turban, appeared to be at least 70 years old and suspiciously resembled Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “I’m not saying that the Miss...
Hundreds of Americans have sought refuge in Israel as anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist fervor grows in America. American Jew, James Silverberg, has settled in Tel Aviv. He explained to reporters, “Things are totally crazy back home. On the extreme right, you’ve got these crazy racists screaming, ‘Jews will not replace us!’ And then they turn around and say they admire Israel...
Following totally expected statements from Amnesty International blasting Israel for ‘war crimes’ – and accusing the 73-year old Zionist badass of ‘callous indifference’ regarding targets in pretty much all wars with Gaza – The Mideast Beast caught up with the Zionist pinup for an exclusive chat. “Look, I can accept that Amnesty thinks I may have been a bit heavy-handed...
The international community issued firm condemnation of Israel’s recent actions earlier today. An emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council was convened in order to issue a number of resolutions against the Jewish State. Member states accused Israel of being “inhumane,” and acting with “utter disregard for human life and wellbeing.” Israel has responded to these claims by saying...
In another move aimed at supporting the anti-Israel BDS movement, Irish author Sally Rooney announced that she will double the price of her new novel to prevent Jews, notoriously stingy, from buying the book. Determined to ensure her book is not read by any Israelis or Zionists, Rooney already refused to allow her book to be translated into Hebrew. But...
In a dramatic overnight operation, the Israeli Air Force reportedly destroyed the Syrian Air Force after it “failed to keep adequate social border distance.” Israeli Air force commander, General Amikam Norkin, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Since the Syrian pilots ignored the World Health Organization’s instructions of wearing masks, using hand sanitizer, and keeping an adequate social border distance, Israel...
The Israel Prison Service is facing tough questions over its decision to hire the guards tasked with monitoring Jeffrey Epstein to protect six Palestinian prisoners. The guards, Tova Noel and Michael Thomas, had been assigned to protect Epstein when the financier and convicted sex offender was found dead in his cell in August 2019. Speaking on the condition of anonymity,...
Former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu began the Jewish New Year in the hospital after attempting to take 5782 shots of liquor – one for each year in the Jewish calendar – in a Rosh Hashanah celebration that soon spun out of control. The former premier – who recently lost his grip on power to the ‘Coalition of Change’ –...
Uncle Morty was shocked to discover yesterday that countries other than Israel are responsible for recent technological advances. Uncle Morty, who is well known in the family for espousing common quips about Israel such as, “Israel created Instant Messaging” and “Israel has more Nobel Prizes per Capita than the US” is now trying to cope with his new understanding of...
Calling it a fitting response to an act of unprovoked aggression, Israeli forces have entered Vermont and are pushing towards the capital of Montpelier. The invasion comes days after Ben & Jerry’s, a Unilever-owned ice cream company based in Burlington, announced that it would no longer sell its products in the West Bank and East Jerusalem. “I was not bluffing...
NEW YORK CITY — Human Rights Watch director Kenneth Roth is once again facing controversy for remarks some saw as justifying anti-Semitism, this time for calling holocaust victims “a bunch of cunts.” “The Holocaust was absolutely wrong and there is no excuse for the Nazi’s actions,” Roth tweeted Sunday. “But let’s face it – a lot of those Jews were...
BOMBED AP OFFICE, GAZA CITY — Due to always-escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel, while some actually have nothing to do with the Jewish State at all. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict...
In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the day when the Summer Olympic Games will be held in Israel. Construction will take place by the end of the month, and Israel maintains...
Refusing to back down from her earlier comments comparing Israel and the US to Hamas and the Taliban, Rep. Ilhan Omar has now equated Israel with the Darth Vader-led Sith Empire. “We have seen unthinkable atrocities, including the destruction of entire planets, by evil entities like the Sith Order, the Galactic Empire, Israel, and Republicans in Congress,” Omar told CNN’s...
The Chicago Dyke March, a pride event held each June, has announced that it will no longer allow gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people to take part in the march after learning that Israel is a strong supporter of gay rights. The event’s organizers, who previously previously banned flags portraying the Star of David and earlier this month posted a...
Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv last week during the city’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly...
