World

“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19
,

“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19

The United Nations today announced that, due to an abundance of hardships being placed on nations and the international community as a whole, they had no choice but to suspend “Never Again” until further notice. The prevention of genocide joins the growing list of compromises that the international community has had to deal with in order to fight the novel...

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus
,

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus

In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official....

Arab League: “There’s no ‘We’ in Uighur”
,

Arab League: “There’s no ‘We’ in Uighur”

After weeks of replacing the 2020 Olympic gymnastics with the mental gymnastics of calling Israelis ‘genocidal’ while ignoring a very real genocide of Muslims in China, the Arab League released a statement in favor of their current relationship with China, stating: “Contrary to popular belief there is no ‘We’ in Uighur.” In their much-anticipated statement, the Arab League made it...

Neo-Nazis Accidentally Defend Famous anti-Nazi Winston Churchill
, ,

Neo-Nazis Accidentally Defend Famous anti-Nazi Winston Churchill

Central London saw violence this week as members of neo-Nazi groups such as Britain First accidentally gathered to defend Britain’s most famous non-Nazi, Winston Churchill. Despite the angry bald men claiming to be defending Churchill’s legacy, they clearly misunderstood what that legacy entailed exactly, as they threw up Nazi salutes while facing down the police. “I get that people are...

Ice Cube Nominated for Leader of the UK Labour Party
, , ,

Ice Cube Nominated for Leader of the UK Labour Party

The rapper and movie star Ice Cube cultivated notoriety this week after sharing a series of anti-Semitic memes on twitter, not to mention a scathing and detailed report on his “long, disturbing history of anti-Semitism. Although these sorts of actions usually result in a Twitter ban, or even job loss, mere seconds after tweeting the images Ice Cube received a...

Erdogan and Putin Officially Invite Trump to Join Axis of Evil
,

Erdogan and Putin Officially Invite Trump to Join Axis of Evil

Democratic leaders and activists around the world have been quick to condemn President Trump’s advocation of extreme force to quell domestic protests regarding the murder of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis policemen.  Not everyone agrees that Trump is in the wrong, with some world leaders even praising his decisive authoritarianism.  Two rock stars of the dictatorial world even...

UN Condemns Iran Missile Tests: “Didn’t Disinfect them First”
, ,

UN Condemns Iran Missile Tests: “Didn’t Disinfect them First”

On Tuesday, Iran launched two more test missiles capable of delivering a nuclear payload.  During a time when most of the world’s attention is focused on the COVID-19 pandemic, many have ignored Iran’s rapidly escalating rhetoric. Israel called upon the UN to condemn the missile tests, which they did because they failed to properly disinfect the missiles before launching them. ...

North Korea Promises to Starve COVID-19 to Death
, ,

North Korea Promises to Starve COVID-19 to Death

The World Health Organization (WHO) has praised North Korea after its supreme leader Kim Jong-un promised that he will “starve COVID-19 to death.” The announcement from the North Korean leader comes at a time when the slightly isolated country has stepped up its fight against the corona pandemic. Kim Jong-un offered an exclusive Zoom interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB),...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien
, ,

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from...

The Mideast Beast Presents the Fill-in-the-Blank Israeli-Palestinian Conflict News Template
, ,

The Mideast Beast Presents the Fill-in-the-Blank Israeli-Palestinian Conflict News Template

Are you a reporter who finds reporting the news on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict incredibly tedious and unvaried? Does it seem like every news story you write sounds the same, offering little-to-no varied perspective or alternative context? Fortunately for you, our idiot brilliant writers at The Mideast Beast have created a template so you can take your reporting to even lazier...

Solving the Israel-Palestinian Conflict with ‘Feelings’ and Safe Spaces

Solving the Israel-Palestinian Conflict with ‘Feelings’ and Safe Spaces

One of the most influential political actors in the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict has declared, much to the despair of the international community, that his political decision-making is based off his own ‘feeling’ and that he doesn’t consult anyone else. In a statement that sent onlookers into a panicked frenzy, Trump announced that he does, in fact, have feelings and that “I...

Iran Claims Its Nuclear Warehouses Are Just Rug Factories
,

Iran Claims Its Nuclear Warehouses Are Just Rug Factories

Following Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to the United Nations revealing the discovery of a ‘secret atomic warehouse’ in Tehran, the Iranian authorities have claimed that the facility was just a very large Persian rug factory. “You know, you need lots of security to protect rugs. Armed guards, barbed wire, electronic sensors and so on. You’ve all seen Aladdin....

Teachers in Gaza Report Missing Missiles for Unauthorised Absence
, ,

Teachers in Gaza Report Missing Missiles for Unauthorised Absence

Teachers in the Gaza Strip’s UNWRA schools have noted that numerous rockets and missiles, usually located on school property, have gone missing, and have therefore acted by reporting them for unauthorised absences. Sources claim that many of these rockets’ absences can be put down to unauthorised trips outside of Gaza in which they made excursions into southern Israeli towns without...

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen
, ,

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

While nobody knows what the hell is going to happen at the upcoming summit between President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, the United Nations has already blamed Israel for the breakdown of the talks which are yet to occur. The latest UN General Assembly Resolution has declared that “the blame for the fallout at the summit yet to...

Hamas Seeks Humanitarian Aid to Purchase a DeLorean
, ,

Hamas Seeks Humanitarian Aid to Purchase a DeLorean

Hamas spokesman Marti Ibn Zvuv talks candidly with The Mideast Beast (TMB) about success, failure, and hopes for the past. TMB: With huge support from the UN and world media, you must be pleased with the outcome of your recent activities MIZ: Actually, we are still suffering.  Seems that we can’t put money into trying to destroy Israel and provide for...

Israel’s Defense Minister Says Israel Should Leave the Jedi High Council
,

Israel’s Defense Minister Says Israel Should Leave the Jedi High Council

Israel’s Defense Minister, Avigdor Lieberman, has refused to back down on his remarks last Thursday when he called for Israel to withdraw from the United Nations Human Rights Council, despite the fact that Israel is not a member of the council. Rather than admit his mistake, he doubled down and has released a further statement calling for Israel to withdraw...