World

Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”
, ,

Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”

Miss Iran, Fatameh Ayatollicious, has reportedly been disqualified from the upcoming Miss Universe competition due to “excessive facial hair growth.” The news came amid reports that the contestant, who attended every single event wearing a tunic and turban, appeared to be at least 70 years old and suspiciously resembled Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “I’m not saying that the Miss...

Sudan Celebrates Week Without a Coup

Sudan Celebrates Week Without a Coup

In what citizens of the African nation are calling a once-unthinkable democratic achievement, Sudan has now gone a full week without a military coup overthrowing the government. Residents of Sudan said they could not recall such a period of stability and expected coups to be a daily occurrence following the coup in 2019 to remove Omar al-Bashir and the subsequent...

Confused Biden Mistakenly Recognizes Armadillo Genocide
,

Confused Biden Mistakenly Recognizes Armadillo Genocide

After preparing to make history with his recognition of the Armenian genocide, US President Joe Biden appeared to draw a blank when trying to remember the name of the national group and instead marked the anniversary of the “Armadillo genocide.” “Today, we must keep the memory of those who died in the genocide of the, uh, Armanis? No, that’s not...

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World
, ,

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

Despite the ongoing pandemic, Gay Pride marches are set to take place around the globe in just over a month and a half. However, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast...

It’s Finally Safe to Eat Bats Again, WHO Says
, ,

It’s Finally Safe to Eat Bats Again, WHO Says

With the coronavirus vaccines being administered worldwide, as well as the “it came from a China lab” conspiracy already being debunked, the World Health Organization (WHO) now says it is safe for the public to once again eat bats in moderation. “The past year and a half was a difficult time for citizens across the globe, as the coronavirus pandemic...

UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus
, , ,

UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus

With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...

In Second Miracle, Moses Parts Ship Blocking Suez Canal and Lets Jewish Cargo Pass

In Second Miracle, Moses Parts Ship Blocking Suez Canal and Lets Jewish Cargo Pass

In what religious scholars are calling his second Passover miracle, Jewish Prophet Moses emerged from the Egyptian desert and parted Ever Given, the cargo ship that has been wedged across the Suez Canal for the past week. The ship has blocked all traffic across the canal, preventing traders from reaching their destinations. But on Sunday evening, as Jews across the...

Americans Jealous of Myanmar Over Competent Military Coup
,

Americans Jealous of Myanmar Over Competent Military Coup

As Myanmar’s military launched a coup d’état to seize power early Monday morning, Americans were reportedly a little bit jealous that anti-Democratic forces were able to depose the elected leader without making the entire country look like circus sideshow. “There were no shirtless Vikings running around, no one taking selfies, no one stealing podiums,” one American following the events noted....

ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After Letting Ben Shapiro Guest-Write Morning Jihad
, ,

ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After Letting Ben Shapiro Guest-Write Morning Jihad

More than 100 members of the Islamic State have signed a letter denouncing ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi after the Caliph allowed conservative commentator Ben Shapiro to guest-author one edition of its Morning Jihad newsletter. Looking to expand the group’s popularity, al-Hashimi has invited a series of guest authors from across the political spectrum to write ISIS’s most popular ‘Morning...

“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19
,

“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19

The United Nations today announced that, due to an abundance of hardships being placed on nations and the international community as a whole, they had no choice but to suspend “Never Again” until further notice. The prevention of genocide joins the growing list of compromises that the international community has had to deal with in order to fight the novel...

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting
,

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Saying that he was determined to prove himself to be the smartest of the president’s clan – even days before his father is set to leave office – Eric Trump has released a series of emails sent to ISIS leaders begging for a meeting with a senior member of the terror group. “My brother-in-law is all over the TV becuz...

The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News
, ,

The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News

The Mideast Beast, a satirical news source, has confirmed that they will begin to focus on reporting real news.  This comes at a time when real news, fake news, and satire are becoming less and less distinguishable. There have always been some that think satire is real and real news is fake, but recently the number of people unable to...

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus
,

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus

In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official....

Arab League: “There’s no ‘We’ in Uighur”
,

Arab League: “There’s no ‘We’ in Uighur”

After weeks of replacing the 2020 Olympic gymnastics with the mental gymnastics of calling Israelis ‘genocidal’ while ignoring a very real genocide of Muslims in China, the Arab League released a statement in favor of their current relationship with China, stating: “Contrary to popular belief there is no ‘We’ in Uighur.” In their much-anticipated statement, the Arab League made it...