War

Turkish President Vows Military Retaliation Against Kurds After Election Defeat
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Turkish President Vows Military Retaliation Against Kurds After Election Defeat

ANKARA – The world’s only Muslim kinda-democracy held its kinda-democratic election on Sunday. Early results appeared to offer hope to supporters of kinda-democracy worldwide. Glorious Supreme Leader president Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s AKP (party in favor of AK rifles) lost the parliamentary majority it held since 2002, with most of the votes going to the Kurdish HDP (party in favor of HD...

Jimmy Carter Joins ISIS
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Jimmy Carter Joins ISIS

The Islamic State scored a coup today when the former president, formerly known as Jimmy Carter, held a press conference in Syria and pledged allegiance to ISIS.  “Ever since people made the mistake of voting me out of office, I just haven’t been all that sold on America,” explained Carter, who now insists on being addressed by his “Islamic name,” Ali...

ISIL Invades World of Warcraft
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ISIL Invades World of Warcraft

World of Warcraft’s millions of players reacted with horror as a new force, ISIL, stormed across Azeroth with a force greater than any Horde. Within hours, ISIL had seized Stormwind City and was well on their way to taking all of the Southern reaches. Players described ISIL’s forces as without mercy. “My buddies and I were questing around the Swamp...

IDF pondering ‘use of sword’
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IDF pondering ‘use of sword’

In a move likely to scare the crap out of Israel’s neighbors, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) is pondering the use of swords. “A good strategist learns from his opponents. And well, let’s face it, the sword has always worked.” Apparently, the IDF’s international law department is currently searching through international legal documents to find out if it’s even legal. “We know...

Middle Eastern States Debate Whether to Intervene in Baltimore
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Middle Eastern States Debate Whether to Intervene in Baltimore

As riots in Baltimore continue to spiral out of control, several Middle Eastern leaders have publicly considered sending forces to help maintain some sense of order and stop the chaos from spilling over into neighboring states. “We aren’t the world’s police, and we can’t be expected to intervene in such an unstable region every time the people rise up against...

Assad Takes Break from Syrian Civil War to Attend Paul McCartney Concert
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Assad Takes Break from Syrian Civil War to Attend Paul McCartney Concert

As Syria continues it’s rapid unraveling, President Bashar al-Assad was reportedly seen dancing the night away among 20,000 aging baby boomers at the Paul McCartney concert in London last weekend. “Maybe I’m amazed I’ve managed to stay in power this long,” Assad was overheard telling his wife during Sir Paul’s powerful rendition of ‘Carry That Weight.’ The Syrian strongman, a...

Vatican Condemns Israeli Attack on Gaza, Calls Hamas Leader ‘Good Shepherd’
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Vatican Condemns Israeli Attack on Gaza, Calls Hamas Leader ‘Good Shepherd’

A Holy See ambassador issued a stinging rebuke of the Israeli missile strikes on military training facilities in the Gaza Strip that were launched in response to an earlier firing of four rockets into Israel this week. “Our Jewish brothers in Israel have aligned themselves with the Prince of this World, Satan. As Palestinian boys and girls slept, warplanes unleashed...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part III – The Showdown
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Reprisal of the Damned, Part III – The Showdown

He clambers slowly up the hill, surveying the carnage. His mouth twists into a gleeful smile as counts the burning husks of Abrams tanks around the hill, the downed jets. From the other side of the hill walks Osama bin Laden. “D-Chain, long time no see! How’s Lynne? The kids?” Cheney walks up to Osama, then embraces the undead leader...

Obama Consults with Astrologer and Ouija Board Following US Loss of Ramadi to ISIS
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Obama Consults with Astrologer and Ouija Board Following US Loss of Ramadi to ISIS

US President Barack Obama is “looking to the heavens for help” after ISIS captured the Iraqi town of Ramadi last week, a top US official said. The senior level government source revealed that Obama decided to send 1,000 anti-tank missile systems to Iraq to defeat the Jihadi threat after “a midnight session and séance with acclaimed Thai astrologer Sorajja Nual-yu.“ According to the...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part II – The Hunter
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Reprisal of the Damned, Part II – The Hunter

The tunes of 95.9 FM “The Ranch” fill the main room of the log cabin, snippets of a Fox newscast barely audible from the adjacent bedroom during pauses in the music. A man sits on an old leather chair that was brought in from DC, he’s cleaning a shotgun. The room is decorated with mementos from four decades of a...

‘This might be more complicated than we thought,’ admits everyone
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‘This might be more complicated than we thought,’ admits everyone

The professional commentator and activist communities were all thrown into joint turmoil recently with confirmation that the UAE and Egypt had combined forces to bomb pickup truck-driving locals in downtown Tripoli. “Say what now?” asked Expressive Dance student, Evan Gents, from his squat in the East End of London. “Woah, you’re blowing my mind. Do I need to add some more lines...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part I – The Ritual
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Reprisal of the Damned, Part I – The Ritual

The single candle casts five shadows on the cavern’s back wall, the flame reflecting in four pairs of apprehensive eyes locked on the figure in slate-gray robes. The figure raises two hands and intones: “God is greatest!” “Praise be to God!” the voices from the back are waveringly slightly, as if mimicking the flickering light of the candle. “By the...

Israel Agrees to Disband But Only After World Shows That its Predisposition Towards Jew-Killing is Dealt With First
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Israel Agrees to Disband But Only After World Shows That its Predisposition Towards Jew-Killing is Dealt With First

In a surprise announcement today, causing a global ‘thumbs up’, the Israeli government announced that it would acquiesce to the requests of countless over the course of several decades to “just go away.” Thus, the Jewish State will most likely succumb to international pressure and disband. However, this decision hinges on just a single condition: that the world’s apparent fascination...

Drones Establish Autonomous Country in Northwest Pakistan
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Drones Establish Autonomous Country in Northwest Pakistan

The region of Waziristan, on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, has earned the appellation ‘Stan of Stans’ for being literally the worst place on this planet for humans to live. The Stanhabitants have endured several centuries of bloody warfare, occasionally interrupted by famine to keep everyone on their toes. Since 2004, the area has been the epicenter of America’s ‘Drone War’, with...

Syrian Warplanes Bomb Montana
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Syrian Warplanes Bomb Montana

President Bashar al-Assad recently authorized air strikes on militia units in northern Montana in collaboration with elements of the Canadian Defence Forces and the UN. The White House was kept fully informed of the operation. The Syrian Leader was quoted, “to be completely honest I just felt that the world had become so completely unhinged that this didn’t seem that...

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife
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International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

Business titan and inventor Elon Musk has applied his out-sized intellect to the millennia-long problems plaguing the Middle East, announcing through a spokesperson that he has a plan to eliminate “all strife in the Middle Eastern part of the world,” by Christmas. “Mr. Musk has been mulling this issue for some time now,” said one of his spokespeople.  “Mr. Musk is waaaay fucking...

Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”
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Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”

Disarray descended in Switzerland following Ayatollah Khamenei’s surprise speech in which he insisted on Iran’s need for nuclear weapons to fight “that nose-less killer robot, Ultron.” The tearful supreme leader explained that he’d previously been unaware of the danger posed by the “mechanical murderer.” “Last night I walked in on my grandsons watching television. At first I thought it was...

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas
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War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

A human being from the UN Human Rights Council has chastised Israel for not sharing its air defense system technology with Hamas. “Has war not always been the realm of fairness? Well, this is just unfair. What we witnessed last summer was the Israelis waging genocide against people that they force to live in tunnels. Though if we’re being honest, I’m not exactly sure what...

Potential Iran Deal Sends Terror Stocks Soaring
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Potential Iran Deal Sends Terror Stocks Soaring

Leaks from Washington, Tehran, and Switzerland of an imminent nuclear deal roared through Wall Street today sending terror stocks soaring in afterhours trading. Reports indicate than any deal will include the release of over $100 billion in frozen Iranian funds. Noted hedge fund manager, Gree D. Bassard, seemed to speak for the mood. “$100 billion’s a lot of scratch. And...