War
Israel cannot name sixth submarine
A serious row has broken out in the upper echelons of the Israeli Navy, over the name of their 6th German built U-boat. The current names, Dolphin, Whale, Crocodile, Revival, and Splendour may all soon be joined by Duck-Bill Platypus or Manatee. “I refuse to command a ship named after something with a permanent smile on it’s face” said Yossi “the Shark” Kaplinski, Israel’s highest scoring U-boat ace with 16-tons of shipping sunk, fifteen of which was accounted for in...
Bomb Shelter, Bomb Shells!
With the recent upsurge in rocket fire thanks to Switzerland-by-the-Sea, Israelis living in the South have taken to using their bomb shelters, which has displaced their normal residents. “This shit is getting ridiculous. There’s almost no where to smoke and have sex with my boyfriend” complained an anonymous 12-year-old girl from Sderot. “It’s really unfair.” “Yea, it’s terrible,” complained Mohamed Al-Latif. “I was growing some herbal medicine plants in the local shelter and all the Jews came and smoked it...
Hamas unveils anti-UAV laser
Hamas has developed a remarkable new weapon system that could be used to shoot down unmanned drones. The humanitarian group received a $20 million grant from the Islamic State (IS) Office of Blasphemy Research to build a vehicle-mounted laser to shoot down the hated “flying tools of the Great Satan.” The Ground Laser Air Defense (GLAD) system uses a pickup-mounted platform that leverages “green” technology to power the 25kW laser. “Apparently the laser is powered by the tears of Palestinian...
Governor Jay Nixon calls on IDF
Dissatisfied with the performance of the National Guard, Governor Jay Nixon calls on the IDF to “bring order to the chaos” in Ferguson. As violence in Ferguson spirals out of control, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon is calling for help from an unlikely source: Benjamin Netanyahu, the Full-Time Israeli Prime Minister and part-time over-50s Gap Model. The Governor spoke before a press conference on the embattled streets of the Missouri city. “When shit gets real, you really need to bring your...
Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram
Day 44 Since the collapse of the peace talks in Cairo, Hamas made an announcement via Instagram video of their latest request, followed by a threat. In poor Hebrew and using the 1977 filter, Hamas operatives stated “If we don’t get the 100 million NIS airport with a complete water park, KFC, and the nice security line that doesn’t make you take your shoes off, we will target Ben Gurion Aiport”. The caption was “We won’t stop until we get...