War

Iranians Busy Thinking Up New Concessions to Demand From Obama and Kerry
,

Iranians Busy Thinking Up New Concessions to Demand From Obama and Kerry

Iran appears to hold the weaker hand in negotiations, the Iranian economy shrinking and currency depreciating, yet sources tell The Israeli Daily that Ayatollah Khamenei and his advisors are trying to identify new concessions to extract from President Obama and Secretary Kerry. A source close to Khamenei described the situation; “We’re as surprised as anybody. We knew our demands were excessive:...

Radical Offshoot of Human Rights Watch Sends Strike Team to Nepal to Assassinate Victims Saved by Israel
,

Radical Offshoot of Human Rights Watch Sends Strike Team to Nepal to Assassinate Victims Saved by Israel

After Human Rights Watch’s head Kenneth Roth tweeted condemnation of Israel for constructing a 60 bed field hospital in Nepal, sources tell The Israeli Daily (TID) that a radical offshoot of the organization called ‘No Jewish Human Rights Watch’ has dispatched a strike team to hunt down those Nepalese who accepted Israel’s offer of life saving assistance. “Defending human rights...

Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb
,

Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb

A White House spokesman has rejected claims by opponents of a framework agreement that the Iranian defense Minister’s had stated that all military facilities would be closed to international inspection. Iranian Defense Minister, Brigadier General Hossein Dehgan was reported as saying that “…visiting military centers are among the red lines and no visit to these centers will be allowed.” White...

Christian, Jewish Terrorist Groups Announce they too Planned to Attack Charlie Hebdo
,

Christian, Jewish Terrorist Groups Announce they too Planned to Attack Charlie Hebdo

Both Christian and Jewish terrorist groups today released statements that they too had long been planning attacks against Charlie Hebdo. “For too long, these godless communists had poked fun at our Lord Christ,” began the release from Perpetually Righteous Irate Christian Kooks, leader D. Amst Upid. “P.R.I.C.K. planned to stage our action the Tuesday before the action by the Satan...

New Israeli Immigrants Realize They’ve Made a Huge Mistake
, ,

New Israeli Immigrants Realize They’ve Made a Huge Mistake

As Israel has embraced new waves of immigrants entering the country, those immigrants are slowly starting to realize that the ‘land of milk and honey’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Land of milk and honey, my ass! I’ve made a huge mistake,” said David Greenberg while holding a surfboard on his way to the beach. “I left a...

Kerry: ‘We’re Focused on Teaching Americans to Find Yemen on a Map’
,

Kerry: ‘We’re Focused on Teaching Americans to Find Yemen on a Map’

US Secretary of State John Kerry said Saturday that the United States is working “very hard” to help geographically challenged Americans locate the war-torn Republic of Yemen. “I’ve pretty much tuned out of the Middle East. This State Department gig is about to end and I’ve been surfing LinkedIn for my next career challenge. I’ll manage. I mean have you ever received a...

Israel Defense Force Arrives in Texas at the Behest of Governor
,

Israel Defense Force Arrives in Texas at the Behest of Governor

Advanced elements of the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) were arriving last night in the Lone Star State to augment Texas State Guard units in their brave resistance against Muslim Special Forces “wage war against Americans.” Colonel Yoni Fluffberg of the IDF commented, “We got a video call yesterday from the Governors office. At first it was hard to make out what...

After Barely Surviving Latest Assassination, Hamas Leader Now Just an Eyeball

After Barely Surviving Latest Assassination, Hamas Leader Now Just an Eyeball

After reports came out that the head of Hamas’ military wing, Mohammed Deif, was still alive and active after a fifth assassination attempt, it was confirmed, that no longer able to take physical form, Deif is now just a large fiery eye ball that sits atop a residential building in Gaza. The Hamas military wing commander was previously confined to...

Suspected Suicide Bomber, Awan Boudi, Captured at McDonald’s
,

Suspected Suicide Bomber, Awan Boudi, Captured at McDonald’s

FBI agents swarmed a McDonald’s in Los Angeles and arrested an alleged suicide bomber linked to the Syria-based Nusra Front on Wednesday. The Lebanese daily Al-Pharteen identified the accused martyr in the making as 42-year-old Awan Boudi, a resident of the southern Lebanese village of Jezzine. “The Feds slapped me so hard, they broke my mother’s nose,” Boudi told his court-appointed...

Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?
,

Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?

In the now-iconic words of C+C Music Factory, “Things to make you go hmmm”. Part one in an ongoing series. Recently, people have begun wondering where ISIS is buying all those orange jumpsuits. Like, they’ve got to come from somewhere right? Someone is making these things and selling them to ISIS,with full knowledge about what they’re being used for. They couldn’t not...

Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators
, ,

Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators

The tragic death of Grey’s Anatomy Dr. McDreamy has given many Middle Eastern dictators and other head separating organizations pause for thought. “His death just made things so real for me,” said Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, clearly holding back his tears. During his interview, the dictator with over 300,000 deaths on his hands was frantically texting his BFFs the news, most...

Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan
,

Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan

Ba’al, the master deity and supreme sky lord of the ancient Near East has decided to re-assert his authority over the peoples of modern day Israel. After retiring to Florida nearly 2,000 years ago, Ba’al has stated that his successors, Yahweh and Allah have “totally fucked shit up,” and have left him with no other choice than to return to...

“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran
,

“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran

An Iranian whistle blower, probably working for Mossad, has told The Israeli Daily that the Islamic Republic’s attempts to obtain nuclear power and weapons is just a smokescreen for the nation’s way to pick the next Supreme Nutter. The rules state that budding Ayatollahs and other crazies have to come up with the most outrageous statements without hindering peace talks. The...

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage
,

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Press TV, Iran’s state-run media arm, was the big winner at the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, winning multiple honors for its coverage of Israel’s 50-day war with Gaza last summer. The award for investigative reporting went to the network for its account of Israel’s attempt to take down a commercial airplane leaving Gaza City by releasing hundreds of venomous snakes in...

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo
,

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas has announced an uncharacteristic change in policy. The organization released a statement declaring their usual intent to destroy Israel, but this time, with something a little extra. “The animals living in the Zionist zoo will also be held accountable. They are as guilty of occupying Palestinian land as any big nosed bi-ped. Those meer cats might look cute, but...

ISIS Denies Book Burning

ISIS Denies Book Burning

ISIS has denied that it is burning important books despite reports that it removed some 3,000 titles from the Central Library of Mosul a few months back. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily, the groups head librarian, Mustafa Reida, said that books were removed to make way for new acquisitions. “We recently purchased a large collection of new works and...

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children
,

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children

The Islamic Republic of Iran is following up its signing of a historic framework deal with the West by reaching out to millions of school-aged children to help build the country’s nuclear infrastructure. “We’re street-legal, baby! But now that we’re in the clear, we have to hustle. Once the Western powers discover the plutonium plant we built underneath an ice skating...

ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions
,

ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions

Responding to growing public outcry over gender inequality in its work place, ISIS’ leadership has voted to allow women the right to participate in all future hangings, burnings, beheadings, stonings and crucifixions. “Finally, change we can believe in!” exulted Amatullah X. “A woman’s role in establishing a global Islamic empire is no less important than a man’s,” the Jihadist added. Since...