War
Not Yemen too!
Middle East rubberneckers have risen up in revolt on the news that they now have to keep track on what the hell is happening in Yemen on top of everything else. Professor William Lyons, Head of Making Complicated Things Seem Simple, at the University of Birmingham, was visibly shaken. “Shia and Sunni militants ‘clashing’, no problem with that. Easy. But who the hell are ‘Houthis’? Are they like the ‘Sand People?’ And how the hell did these Houthi Sand People threaten to split the country. “And I can’t...
ISIS to Summer in Italy
Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi has extended his welcome and given travel advice to ISIS for their planned summer holiday to capture Rome. Renzi told The Mideast Beast that the jihadists will be a much needed boost to the ailing economy, which has seen tourism hit particularly hard. “We’ve seen a massive influx of visitors and martyrs to Syria, Iraq and Libya because of ISIS, which have seriously helped the local economy,” Renzi said, “As I say to the young girls…...
Obama Unveils New ‘Swag Strategy’ Against ISIS
Marrying the understated decorum of Hollywood and the unvarnished materialism of defeating terrorism through job training, President Obama today unveiled what is being called the ‘Swag Strategy’ against ISIS. “This new program is simple. And it borrows from the great cultural strength that is the Oscars as demonstrated by the $125,000 gift bags handed out to celebrity A-listers. If bombing ISIS back to the Stone Age is the stick, swag’s America’s carrot.” Special Forces units are already setting up forward...
US Troops checking next week’s Baghdad weather forecast
News that US ground forces will be deployed as Iraqi forces inexplicably failed in their duty has caused the website www.weather.com to crash as approximately one million soldiers checked the regional forecast for next week. Likely recipient of another Central Asian campaign medal, Sergeant John Padansky commented, “I guess this time it could be different, I mean we have thrown a few billion dollars into training and equipment at these guys, and it is their homeland they are fighting for, and…. Oh...
Vatican’s Swiss Guard Redeployed to Iraq
The Pontifical Swiss Guard of the Holy See stationed at the Vatican in Rome will be redeployed to assist in the battle against Islamic State militants, but will not be involved in combat, the Rome-based daily Il Messagero reported on Wednesday. “Our Teutonic mercenaries were cramping this Argentinian Pope’s style,” noted Mathias Fluck, a young guardsman. “In the Philippines, the Bishop of Rome made us stop the entire caravan, in the middle of a crowd of about six million hungry Catholics, so he could hop on the...
ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health
Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George with strong health, enough to finish writing his marvelous books which are below only the Quran itself.” ISIS militants expressed...
Hamas have announced they will open a PR company after a successful summer of fooling everyone
In a statement the group described ideal trading conditions as the reason behind the announcement saying ISIS, Tony Blair and the Zionist Union had approached them for advice. “Every left wing person seems to love Hamas across the world,” said the Zionist Union, “We want to know their secret to win the election for us and I guess also for Israel, who we have to pretend to like for a bit.” “We may be shit at destroying Israel and killing...
Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence
In an interview from an undisclosed location, a distressed former Vice President Dick Cheney today revealed that Brian Williams provided the since discredited pre-war intelligence he presented to justify invading Iraq. “Aluminum tubes? The al-Queada Connection? All Williams,” Cheney explained, as he did a fair approximation of human emotions. “And did I mention that Brian told me the meaning of the term ‘last throes?’ Cheney wasn’t the only former Bush official to come forward. Serendipitously, former Secretary of State of...
Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies
A group of displaced persons from Syria who had fled ISIS-controlled territory for the safety of a refugee camp in Lebanon filed a lawsuit on Monday at the International Criminal Court (ICC) against the United Nations Refugee Agency for alleged false advertising. Saif El-Amin, a toothless man from Raqqa, asserts that “The United Nations promised us a place with a red-tiled roof, home entertainment center and a view of the main square. Instead we got a tent full of holes,...
ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation
ISIS is reportedly on the verge of splitting after the leadership sent an invitation to former US President George W. Bush to become a honorary life member of the Caliphate as a sign of gratitude for his services to Islamic extremism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi stood by the decision, “Look here, when Boko Haram in Nigeria attack neighboring Chad the link to George Bush is quite clear,” the Caliph explained. “The leader of a country in one continent invading a country in...
British Prime Minister Defends Torture
In the run up to the next election, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted that torture is ok by him as long as he doesn’t have to get any of that icky blood stuff on himself. Asked on the campaign trail about the UK’s cozy relationship with Saudi Arabia Cameron said: “I can tell you one time since I’ve been prime minister, a piece of information that we have been given by that country has saved potentially hundreds of lives here...
Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business
Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, fingered his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this sword from Ahmed’s Shop ‘n Chop. See the craftsmanship. Takes a head off with one swipe. But the kids these days,...
Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week
Following an alleged Israeli attack that killed five members of Hezbollah operating out of Syria, dozens of the Islamist militant group’s senior members have reportedly fled to this season’s catwalks at Milan Fashion Week 2015. Jalal Jaffer, a high ranking Hezbollah operative, photobombed a selfie taken by Paris Hilton with rapper Snoop Dogg backstage at the Philipp Plein show. “His first collection of vintage military jackets, which he embroidered with Swarovski skulls, inspired me to quit my online tutoring job and...
ISIS Downs Squadron of My Little Ponies
In another demonstration of their growing military prowess, ISIS today announced that their fighters had successfully downed part of a My Little Pony Squadron invading their territory. “Allah be praised, our rockets struck home!” declared spokesman Ive ibn Drinkin. “The sky rained blood and brightly colored fur. Glory to the All-mighty.” Early reports agreed that Merry May and Cloud Chaser were among the casualties. Others said Twilight Sparkle was among the dead, though those could not be confirmed. Beloved pony,...
Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler
Mr Estevez looks very familiar, like someone you might recognize had the years been kinder. He has an odd accent for a person who claims to have lived his whole life in beautiful Buenos Aires, Argentina (image above). Spanish with a twinge of something stern that’s hard to place. This polite old man has been claiming in recent days that he knows for sure that Hitler is not hiding in Argentina, and that, as the prevailing theory suggests, he took his...
Ugg Boots responsible for US Airways ’Vomit Flight’
A week after the grounding of a US Airways flight from Tel Aviv to Philadelphia, a Tel Aviv native in Ugg Boots claimed responsibility for the odor that wafted through the cabin and sparked a chain reaction of vomiting. Rose Pedelstein contacted media outlets after a TSA investigation identified her feet as the source for the noxious odor. “I’m really, really sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused,” Ms. Pedelstein said in a statement. “But the temperature in Tel Aviv...
FBI: Syrian Spy Crashed 2014 White House Hanukkah Party
The FBI released a statement on Monday confirming that, “A Syrian General Security Directorate agent was identified and apprehended during the official reception to celebrate the Jewish festival of Hanukkah.” Interrogated by Federal Agents, the spy revealed his motivation for crashing the gala event: “A corned beef sandwich. I was on the rooftop of the Hay-Adams Hotel at Lafayette Square, in the crouched position, about to put a bullet through the eye of a filthy American-trained conspirator, when I started craving cured meat.”...
Hamas to EU: Put us back on terrorism blacklist immediately
In a move that will result in a collective boner for terror organizations around the world, the EU has removed Hamas from its terror organization blacklist. To add insult to injury, Egypt, a long time foe of Hamas, has recently done the same. However, it appears that Hamas is quite dispirited with the EU’s move. “When we filed our appeal we knew that the EU was feeling down because of so many ongoing issues; from the deteriorating euro zone economy...
Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone
Following weeks of dropped calls and slow Internet access, as well as several failed attempts at acquiring the latest iPhone 6, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has called off the establishment of an Islamic State due to poor cellphone reception near the Syrian-Iraqi border. “In my haste to establish a safe haven for jihadists and a model society living under the banner of Islam, I overlooked the most important condition needed to return to the greatness of the Prophet’s time;...
ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative
The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics. Speaking to The Israeli Daily, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognised the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be really honest, things have deteriorated somewhat from when we invented ‘zero’”. “We are particularly interested in the practical applications of science...