In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing...
Acknowledging that the term is considered offensive, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman apologized for executing homosexuals based on their “sexual preference” rather than their sexual orientation. Bin Salman’s apology came after Kyle Griffin, a senior producer for MSNBC, pointed out on Twitter that the Saudi penal code called for “the beheading of the homosexual evildoers, who defy the will...
As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it...
After seeing his administration snubbed by the Norwegian Nobel Committee despite its role in facilitating peace deals between Israel and two Arab nations, US President Donald Trump has established the “USA More Tremendouser Nobel Committee” and awarded himself its inaugural peace prize. Trump, who had lobbied for the Nobel Committee’s honors before the World Food Program was ultimately awarded the...
Patient zero in the COVID-19 outbreak has finally been identified and has admitted to eating the raw bat that ignited the ongoing global pandemic, but blamed her action on the prescription sleep aid Ambien. “I’m so embarrassed. It was two in the morning and I was Ambien eating, and I decided to try a raw bat,” the Wuhan resident, a...
An event hosted at San Francisco State University (SFSU) interviewing amateur hijacker, oldest remaining member of a terrorist organization, and part-time public speaker , Mrs. Leila Khaled, was cut short last night after YouTube pulled the livestream just 23 minutes after the event began. Students that had been looking forward to hearing the geriatric terrorist were devastated that someone would...
When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the Five F’s” – Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family. What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of...
Israel has taken another step towards acceptance in the Arab World, agreeing to sign a landmark normalization agreement with New York-based fast-casual Middle Eastern chain “The Halal Guys.” The deal was announced just days after the country, long an outcast in the Muslim world, was officially recognized by Bahrain. Israeli Prime Minister is set arrive on Wednesday in Manhattan, where...
Al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001 were not intended as an act of terrorism but were in fact a failed attempt at a dramatic gender reveal, senior leaders of the terror group acknowledged. The now-waterlogged al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, was looking to announce the sex of his daughter, Safiyah,...
Though ISIS has never been linked to a violent attack in the United States, “mostly peaceful” ISIS affiliates have begun demonstrating in cities across the US, including Seattle and Portland, where law enforcement officials have agreed to stand down. Their demands are clear and their strategy effective. Masked protestors dressed in black have been rushing into restaurants en masse to...
After months of unrest and riots across American cities led to journalists being arrested and threatened, CNN announced they may be moving their headquarters to the Middle East “We are trying to move somewhere with more freedom of press,” said a spokesperson of the news network. “So far the candidates are Riyadh, Kabul, and Tehran. However, due to unexpected cuts,...
North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, ordered this week that all pet dogs be confiscated from citizens, claiming the dogs were a symbol of “Western decadence”. Some are concerned though, that in the starving hermit kingdom, the pets might also represent “a decent lunch”. North Korea insists that this is not the case, and blamed Israel for the new policy....
According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious. Despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in...
Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Mohammad Shtayyeh announced Monday that the Palestinians will boycott next year’s Expo (world fair) in Dubai following the UAE’s opening of diplomatic relations with Israel. In the statement he said, “Palestinians have much to offer the world, more than the Israelis and the US, and the world will have to reckon with our absence next year....
Republican Congressional candidate Laura Loomer has called for a nationwide ban on falafel, calling the chickpea-based dish a “Muslim terrorist jihad food.” “Why are we letting these Sharia-loving terrorist Muslims not only into our country but INTO OUR STOMACHS?!?!?” Loomer asked in a tweet following her victory in an August 18 primary for a south Florida congressional seat. “When I...
In shocking news, it’s been uncovered this week that in order to study Cannabis legalisation the FDA launched a program closely monitoring the mental faculties of one particularly voracious user: Seth Rogen. The program was top secret, but after Rogen spoke out against the need for a Jewish homeland – while conveniently ignoring that most Israelis descend from refugees –...
With images emerging of Uyghurs being forced into train cars and legal experts now calling China’s treatment of the ethnic minority a genocide, US progressive leaders have demanded Chinese President Chinese President Xi Jinping paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on a prominent roadway. “The forced sterilization and re-education of the Uyghur is a crime against humanity, and it must be met...
In an effort to push back against an increasing intolerance towards political dissent in their country, more than 150 Saudi writers and intellectuals have signed an open letter denouncing “behead culture.” The letter comes amidst a growing number of cases in which Saudis were beheaded for seemingly mundane offenses, such as mildly criticizing Sharia Law or citing evidence that mass...
After successfully turning Hagia Sophia into a mosque, Turkish President and Middle Eastern Gollum look-alike, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, announced he now plans to convert the recently opened Istanbul Airport into a Muslim house of worship. Erdogan proposed handing the airport over to the Religious Affairs Directorate, which would close the $12 billion hub to air traffic and instead create a...
Calling it a momentous step towards recognition of the LGBTQ+ community, Saudi Arabia announced that all homosexuals executed during pride month would be hung from a rainbow noose or beheaded with a rainbow-colored ax. Though human rights activists said much further process remains necessary, the announcement marks a major step forward for gay equality in the kingdom. “We have a...
