Culture

A new report from heaven indicates that the inter-religious council of Gods will be announcing today a decrease in virgins per Muslim from 72 to 4. The move was adopted out of fears that large gatherings will lead to another wave of Covid-19. The move comes after the council rejected plans by the Abrahamic Gods to save the population by...

In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and men alone,” Crown Prince Mohammed...

Desperate to halt sales of a new book by Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson (Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life), staff at Penguin Random House have called on Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei to issue a fatwa declaring the book blasphemous. The employees made their request in an anonymous letter to the Ayatollah, suggesting that he also offer a bounty...

Calling it a necessary step in the battle against white supremacy, the San Francisco Board of Education announced that it will rename every school and administrative building in the city after Fatima al-Rajuli, a transgender member of the Islamic State terror group. After voting to remove the names of historical figures including Abraham Lincoln, Paul Revere and George Washington from...

Former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was found dead in his Tehran home Saturday, taking his own life after discovering that he is sexually attracted to actor Elliot Page. Ahmadinejad reportedly discovered his attraction to the actor, who is formerly known as Ellen and recently came out as transgender, while watching the 2007 Oscar-winning film Juno. Ahmadinejad, who has frequently condemned...

Patient zero in the COVID-19 outbreak has finally been identified and has admitted to eating the raw bat that ignited the ongoing global pandemic, but blamed her action on the prescription sleep aid Ambien. “I’m so embarrassed. It was two in the morning and I was Ambien eating, and I decided to try a raw bat,” the Wuhan resident, a...

JERUSALEM – Not long after painting Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In a daring New Year’s Eve mission, activists from the Arab LGBT group snuck onto Jerusalem’s Temple Mount and scaled the Al-Aqsa Mosque to execute their so-called...

As Christians around the world celebrated the miraculous birth of the Messiah, one brave outlier remained skeptical of his origin story. Although Trump insists that the Bible is his favorite book, he refused to cow to Big Church’s insistence tweeting, “No, Jesus wasn’t born in a stable in Jewdea (sic), I demand to see his birth certificate”. “Everybody’s thinking about...