Like all holiday seasons that are just around the corner, they can be a period of intense joy, spending time with family and friends. But they can also be a time of dread. For many couples in a new relationship, one has to ask if the holidays are the right time to meet that significant other’s family. This predicament is no...
A backlog at the Port of Los Angeles threatened Christmas for millions of American children, as Santa Claus and his reindeer were stuck at the LA shipping docks due to the supply chain crisis. Now, experts say, Santa might not make it into every home until as late as April, meaning millions of children will be without their toys until...
As if supply chain disruptions weren’t bad enough already, Tuesday evening Santa’s sleigh became jackknifed in the Suez Canal, blocking boat traffic indefinitely. While attempting to unload a pallet of PlayStation 5’s from a cargo ship for the few good Christian children in the Middle East, Donner and Blitzen backed up too quickly, tangled their reigns, and lodged Santa’s Sleigh...
The Saudi Arabian government has admitted to being disappointed at the public reaction to its plans for new tourist resorts on islands in the Red Sea. One blogger commented, “So what you’re saying is it will be like lying on a beach in Dubai but without the two-for-one cocktail hour. Or like lying on the beach in Tel Aviv but...
HEAVEN — A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical...
The Mideast Beast, among other reputable news outlets, are asking, “If this happened last year on New Year’s Eve, what the hell’s coming at midnight 2022? JERUSALEM – Not long after painting Egypt’s pyramids of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In...
The “Jewish Question” is a lot like the Kardashians – a lot of people have tried to understand what all the fuss is about, but no one seems to have a 100% convincing explanation. Recently however, the United Nations tasked a commission with finally answering the question of “where all these damn Jews are coming from, and where do they belong?” ...
As the U.S. wraps up 2021 with an impressive 640 mass shootings, some Middle Eastern leaders, horrified at the violence, are considering a full embargo on guns. Saying that he could only stomach so much violence, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly ready to ban assault rifles like the AR-15 and even semi-automatic pistols, such as Glocks. “After seeing four...
Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has voiced his enthusiasm that U.S. high schools “produce better terrorists than Syria.” Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast after having his beauty sleep once again ruined by nightly sorties of blue-starred F35s strafing Persian-affiliated yoga classes in Damascus. “The recent high school shooting in Michigan sadly proves, yet again, that U.S. high schools produce far...
TEL AVIV – From the United States of America to the Federated States of Micronesia, the global supply chain crisis is causing a surge in demands that continue to be unmet. For Christmas, children around the world won’t get the toys they want, and the Karens of Suburbia might be facing an unimaginable situation: the entire holiday season without wine....
BLACK FRIDAY — ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi’s determination to score a cheap, big flat screen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Al-Qurashi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already...
In a surprise announcement, The Almighty One, Blessed Be He, dropped his new commandment without warning this past Friday morning: “Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out”. This is the first commandment that the Chief Shepherd has released in thousands of years, but he explained that it has been in the works for some time. When asked what inspired him to...
In his latest attempt to show the world that Saudi Arabia is modernizing under his leadership, the Kingdom’s maverick Prince, Muhammed “Bone Saw” Bin Salman (MBS), has officially declared the Kingdom “Pro-Choice.” Effective immediately, when ‘ankle-flashers’ and their ilk are caught violating Sharia’s Modesty Laws, they’ll get to choose from a ‘potpourri of punishments’ unimaginable under previous regimes. For example,...
Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been shocked by the recent discovery that Mount Sinai, the spot where Moses received the ten commandments from God, was in fact in modern day Saudi Arabia and not in Banner County, Nebraska as previously believed. Archeologists now say that the Jabal Maqula mountain in northwestern Saudi Arabia is...
White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client. “You expect to get away from it...
When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the Five F’s” – Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family. What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of...
JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much...
A monumental shift in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is sure to take place following the release of some astonishing findings in a new Hebrew University study. The multi-year study investigated a somewhat simple hypothesis, but one which is rarely considered. It turns out, the paper states, “That contrary to what many believe, Palestinians are just regular people. Like the authors of...
The Chicago Dyke March, a pride event held each June, has announced that it will no longer allow gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people to take part in the march after learning that Israel is a strong supporter of gay rights. The event’s organizers, who previously previously banned flags portraying the Star of David and earlier this month posted a...
Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv last week during the city’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly...
