Culture
“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event
“Definitely Not ISIS” has filed for a license to stage a free-speech rally later this month. The event will host prominent speakers from the Middle East and further afield. “We think that even if you don’t agree with what we have to say, we certainly deserve the right to say it,” Abu Bakr al-Newyorki, the organization’s spokesperson, told The Mideast Beast. “If you value freedom of speech like we do, then show up to the event and support us. Just an FYI, no...
Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write
The Mideast Beast is your trusted source for front-line reporting on the Middle East, a publication of unimpeachable journalistic integrity that holds itself to the highest standards of meticulous coverage and astute analysis. In fact, unlike other, slower news outlets, we don’t even have to wait for the news to happen to deliver a comprehensive report of them to our readers. This is made possible through TMB’s unrivaled network of intrepid on-location reporters who would sleep with anyone, as many times as...
Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed
Promising to take no chances when it comes to America’s security, US President Donald Trump has banned the UK’s Queen Elizabeth II amid reports that she may be a descendent of Prophet Muhammed. “I am hearing reports, very troubling, that the Queen is actually a Muslim terrorist, and I am issuing a complete ban on the royal family until we can figure out what the hell is going on,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the ban. “I have to...
Jesus Still a Little Cross with Dad
During a recent interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus opened up about his tumultuous relationship with his temperamental father. “Dad? We’ve had our ups and downs. I mean, before he brutally sacrificed me to save all humanity, he used to be a huge dick. Remember the flood? Or when he got hammered and convinced Abraham to sacrifice his own son? Or when he ‘a-salted’ – sorry, couldn’t resist – Lot’s wife? Seriously who wouldn’t want to watch a city get...
Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon
Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...
Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules
Once an outspoken anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced plans to return to Judaism after a group of Conservative rabbis overturned an 800-year ban on eating kitniyot, a group of foods that includes rice, beans and legumes, during Passover. “The only reason I converted to Islam in the first place was because I could never go eight days without bread, rice, beans or corn,” Ahmadinejad told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the they’ve finally changed those...
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest
These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mates right before their souls meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...
Iceland Defends Circumcision Bill: “We Need Foreskins to Keep Ourselves Warm”
Officials from the Icelandic parliament defended the country’s new circumcision legislation this week, claiming that the bill banning the practice is not in any way anti-religious, but rather is an effort to ensure the Icelandic people have foreskins to protect them from the frigid North-Atlantic winds. Addressing the Muslims and Jews who expressed indignation at the bill, one parliament member explained: “We’re in Iceland, not the Middle East. I understand that you guys don’t need your foreskins over there, it’s...
12-Step Program for Middle East Addicts
The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with the Director of ‘Middle East Addicts Anonymous’ (MEAA), who has developed a 12-step program for addiction sufferers. “It turns out that commenting on Middle East issues ‘like a pro’ is proving to be very addictive. At least drunks can be fun and a potential source of hook ups, whereas Middle East addicts are simply annoying. We believe that this carefully-designed 12-step program may help with their severe problem.” Admit you are an...
Israel Puts Plans to Convert Al-Aqsa Mosque into a Katz’s Deli on Hold
After weeks of unrest in Jerusalem following rumors among Palestinians that the Al-Aqsa Mosque was in danger, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that plans to convert the mosque into a Katz’s Delicatessen have been suspended indefinitely. “After a number of terrorists said their sole reason for stabbing random Jews in the street was that they felt Al-Aqsa was under threat, we decided now wasn’t the best time to announce that Islam’s third holiest site would be converted into a...
Iranian Feminist with Bad Haircut Is Conflicted on Hijab Protests
One of Iran’s leading feminists admitted that she has conflicting feelings about the country’s anti-hijab movement, noting that while she supports women’s empowerment she is also determined to keep her bad haircut hidden. “Listen, I get why Iranian women are doing this. And they’re right – in principle, I feel very strongly that women should not be forced to cover their head in public,” the activist, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Mideast Beast. “But now is a...
ISIS Threatens to Behead Famed Groundhog for ‘Six More Weeks of Winter’
An ISIS sleeper cell, located in Pennsylvania, has released a video threatening to behead Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog, for its recent regional prediction: six more weeks of winter. “In the name of Allah, it’s butt-ass cold in Pennsylvania!” said one ISIS member that was willing to speak with The Mideast Beast. When our handlers prepared for us to live in the U.S. we weren’t warned about the weather; come on, we’re Middle Eastern! Back in Iraq and Syria my...
Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’
A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the Brooklynites explained their more severe stance: “It’s not enough to stop white people from selling Arab food. We need to stop the chauvinist market of...
ISIS Further Decimated by ‘Tide Pod Challenge’
Already reeling after losing nearly all its territory in clashes with Iraqi forces, ISIS has been dealt another blow after half the terror group’s soldiers died attempting the “Tide Pod Challenge.” The devastation struck after a group of young jihadis were killing time on patrol in the town of Abu Kamel, Syria and came across a video issuing the challenge – to eat pods filled with Tide laundry detergent – on YouTube. Insisting that they were much braver than any...
American Birthright Participant Takes a Break from Fucking to Learn about Israel
“I’m frankly a bit disappointed in myself,” sighed Ms. Berkman. “As a BSU sorority sophomore I should be expected to keep the alcohol fueled orgy going the full 10 days of the trip. I think the weather got to me.” Becca Berkman, 20, is a second year student and chairman of Kinda Jewish Sorta Supporting Israel Student Association at Big State University. It’s the seventh morning of her Birthright trip, and Becca unexpectedly finds herself listening to the tour guide...
Dave Matthews Immigrates to Israel
TEL AVIV — In a surprise move, legendary musician Dave Matthews has decided to immigrate to Israel. In an interview with Yonit Levy, the musician said, “This was a difficult choice for me, but this seems like the right time to be with my people.” Mr. Matthews will move to Tel Aviv by year’s end. Mr. Matthew’s publicist elaborated on the decision to The Mideast Beast. “It’s time that Dave returns to where he feels most comfortable. Cut off jean...
Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind most western countries despite all of the media hype. We’re just way, way, way behind.” “We want to create a...
Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp
In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. Figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn on my iPhone. That’s when Ahmed saw what I was looking at. I thought ‘shit, now I’m in trouble’ but he leaned over and...
GOP Decides Prayer Now Officially Tax Deductible
Following the success of Israeli Agriculture Minister, Uri Ariel’s campaign to pray away the drought that has affected the region for years, several key GOP leaders have inserted a provision into the new United States Tax Plan to allow tax deductions for prayer. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan commented, “We used to allow deductions for silly things like installing solar panels and investing in proper insulation and water conservation. None of which gets a mention in either Testament. Now...
Unable to Capitalize on Oil Reserves, ISIS Breaks Ground on Libya’s First Chipotle
Libya seemed like the perfect place for The Islamic State (IS) to settle down: a lack of government and freeze on assets would be an ideal location to move in and set up a nice oil business. And IS thought they had it all figured out after gaining territory in two port cities on Libya’s south and eastern coasts. But once they took control of the oil fields, they realized no one knew how to operate them. “We also had trouble...