Culture
Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine
The health-concerned feminist Taliban have placed Afghani harems in indefinite quarantine. The dramatic development comes as the coronavirus has wreaked havoc on Afghanistan’s once booming Jihad Trade Exchange and closed the country’s world-famous beaches to opium-seeking California dreaming surfers. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar told The Mideast Beast how it feels to be in self-imposed quarantine in a compact cave with 4 Jihad Playmate wives and 72 Victoria Secret virgin servants. “It’s very difficult but someone has to do...
Heaven Decreases Virgins Per Muslim from 72 to 4 Amid Fears that Large Gatherings Further the Spread of Covid-19
A new report from heaven indicates that the inter-religious council of Gods will be announcing today a decrease in virgins per Muslim from 72 to 4. The move was adopted out of fears that large gatherings will lead to the spread of the novel coronavirus. The move comes after the council rejected plans by the Abrahamic Gods to save the population by building an ark. “Things are going to be a lot different around here,” said a representative of the...
Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone
Yemen, the poorest country in the Middle East, is expecting a sudden economic boom after the Netherlands announced that it was closing down its marijuana “coffee shops” in an attempt to contain the spread of coronavirus. Panicked Dutch people immediately queued up to buy weed, but most of them went home empty-handed as buyers showed little concerns for the needs of their fellow Dutch and hoarded the drug as if it were toilet paper. Instead, the desperate Dutch turned to...
Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe
Disney World is deciding whether to relocate from Florida to Syria after a sinking accident involving Disney World’s popular Jungle Cruise boat. The recently appointed and highly experienced Security Chief of Disney World, Dick Grenell, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Unfortunately, Florida has become too dangerous for our visitors. It is infested with man-eating alligators and I don’t speak Spanglish. Furthermore, Florida is the most unstable swinger state battleground between America’s two most dangerous people: Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders....
PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects
The PLO movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ shocked the movie industry by winning the Oscar for “Best Fake News Special Effects.” CNN, which was involved in the PLO movie project, won the Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor.” An impressed Steven Spielberg told The Mideast Beast: “I’ve done ‘Jaws’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ but nobody beats PLO in staging massacres and faking ancient civilizations. Infidelity-friendly Hollywood infidels can learn a great deal from Jihad-friendly Pallywood.” Self-described progressive singer turned Middle East expert John Legend...
Bernie Sanders Celebrates World Hijab Day, Detained at JFK Airport
Seeking to boost his progressive pre-election credentials, a Hijab-clad Bernie Sanders was accidentally detained at JFK airport on World Hijab Day. JFK’s security manager told The Mideast Beast, “We mistakenly believed that Mr. Sanders was an activated female Jihad terrorist from a Cuban terrorist cell. We heard something ticking suspiciously inside his socialist hijab.” A fuming Sanders told The Mideast Beast, “The security was so rude that I almost thought that I was in Israel. In solidarity with oppressed communities,...
Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles
President Donald Trump said he has added domestic Iranian cultural sites, including Los Angeles’s “Little Persia,” to its list of potential targets in the event of an Iranian attack. “This is a WARNING! If Iran strikes America, we will bomb anything Iranian that we can find!” Trump tweeted Sunday morning. “We will start by wiping out Persian Square in LA, and if that doesn’t stop the ayatollahs we will begin rounding up Persian cats!” Little Persia, also known as Tehrangeles,...
Russia to change Christmas to May
The Russian Orthodox Church announced this week that it was evaluating a proposal to move the date of Christmas from 7 January to 15 May. Officials cited increased issues with access to holy sites in the Middle East around the December/January time frame. In a statement from Patriach Kirill’s office the church stated, “we will be undertaking a consultation with the faithful about moving the birth of Jesus to 15 May in order to give us more access to sites...
Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
It has been confirmed that President Trump used his recent visit to Afghanistan to order US Army commanders to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry Christmas’ sign being displayed on the USS Eisenhower, we’ve realized that only massive military force can protect our sacred holidays....
Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran
Following the overwhelming success of his first book Triggered, Donald Trump Jr., the Trump kid voted most likely to have a dead stripper in the trunk of his Lincoln Town Car three years in a row, has announced that his next project will be a detailed analysis of the Koran and its meaning in the modern world. A spokesman commented, “It’s important that people appreciate that Mr Trump Jr. not only has unique insights into the world of politics but...
Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when Netanyahu...
Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms
In a dramatic reversal, leading Democrats are now supporting President Donald Trump’s sudden withdrawal from Syria’s Kurdish regions after it was revealed that the Kurdish government does not require businesses to operate gender-neutral bathrooms. Trump’s decision to pull troops and allow Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to invade the region had prompted bipartisan outrage, particularly after reports emerged of heavy civilian casualties. But that began to change after video of the Turkish onslaught showed a Kurdish business with restrooms clearly...
The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday
When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the four F’s.” Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family. What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of murmuring, unshowered Jews. Oh, also, you’re hungry as hell. Because you can’t eat. For 25 hours. What we’ve just described is the...
Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel
Following backlash, singer Demi Lovato has profusely apologized for her recent concert in and praise of Israel, insisting she had no idea that the people who treated her so well on the trip were in fact Jews. Lovato spent her time in the country, which she billed as a spiritual journey, visiting the Western Wall and Israel’s Holocaust memorial, Yad Vashem, after being baptized in the Jordan River. But soon after she returned, Twitter user @FreePalestine42069 called her out for...
Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty
The latest effort to open up the Kingdom has not been met with the anticipated level of excitement from the international business community. One Western CEO commented, “OK great, now I can technically share a room with Karen from accounts when we are next in Riyadh. But how is that really going to happen if we can’t get properly buzzed first in the hotel bar? Think about it. She has to get over the fact that I’m a middle-aged guy...
Malaysian Prime Minister Named Chair of Women’s March
In its latest effort to mitigate accusations of anti-Semitism, the Women’s March has named Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Bin Mohamad, who has called Jews hook-nosed and said that he is proud to be called anti-Semitic, as its new board chairman. The Malaysian prime minister replaced Samia Assed, who was revealed to have posted anti-Semitic tweets. Assed herself had replaced Zahroo Billoo due to the latter’s anti-Semitism after Billoo replaced outspoken anti-Semite Linda Sarsour. “We’ve been trying really hard to find...
ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels
Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing them with fruity vapes. In this new operation, code named, Jihadist Ultimate Undoing of Lungs (JUUL), the insurgency group will be able...
Assad Debuts Pumpkin Spice Poison Gas for Autumn
Looking to add a seasonal flavor to his war crimes, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will begin using pumpkin spice poison gas after Labor Day. “As a gift to the Syrian people, civilians hit with sarin, chlorine, sulfur and mustard gas this fall will detect a hint of sweet pumpkin,” Assad said in a public statement. “What better way to welcome the new season than to take in the scent of pumpkin spice with your last breaths?” Assad...
Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols
As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it was a Mosque, so I was pretty upset, but then I saw that it was a school promoting coexistence, and...
Mike Pence Reconsiders Position on Palestine after Gay-Ban
In the wake the Palestinian Authority’s (PA) decision to ban LGBTQ activities in the West Bank, Vice President Mike Pence has announced the Trump administration is rethinking its pro-Israel position. “For the longest time, I thought the Palestinians were just some god-forsaken, backwater savages! But after this, I think we’ve got to reconsider. I’ve been to Tel Aviv and let me tell you, the amount of indecent, sinful activity I saw there made me question the $38 billion dollars of...