Culture
Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself
The Prophet Muhammad admitted today that he was a bit disappointed to find that, 1,400 years after creating what he believed to be the perfect society in modern-day Saudi Arabia, the world seemingly has largely forgotten about him. “I realize a millennium and a half is a long time, but I expected to find at least an occasional painting or sculpture of myself,” Muhammad told The Mideast Beast. “I see paintings of the Prophet Isa [Jesus] all over the place, and...
Jewish, Arab Colleagues Endure Middle East Questions from Co-Workers
Yoni Hertzelshtein and Yusuf Habibi, have yet again had their morning cigarette break interrupted by a colleague wanting to understand ‘all that crazy stuff happening over there’. The pair, who work in the marketing department for Tampon manufacturer Kimberly-Clark, explained this is not a unique occurrence. “When things are really kicking off we can expect inane questions at any time of the day. We can start off a meeting talking about how we plan to promote our newest heavy-flow super-absorbent...
Bacon Sandwiches Encourage Israeli-Palestinian Peace
International peace efforts for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict were recently given a boost by the introduction of bacon sandwiches to the breakfast buffet in Cairo. Dore Steinwitz, professional Israeli apologist, commented, “these are mental! Why did no one ever tell me about these before? I admit that since the invention of the refrigerator, I’ve been a little hazy on the need for the ‘no pig’ rules. But I never realized how batshit crazy they tasted. To be honest I’d be willing to open...
Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns
In response to legislation in Austria, Denmark and France banning Muslim women from wearing the burqa, Muslim countries across the Middle East have begun cracking down on young to middle-aged white men sporting “man buns”. Saudi Arabia was the first to issue a “man bun ban,” calling the hairstyle a threat to national security. Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan soon followed suit. “Potential terrorists can hide weapons or explosives in these man buns, putting innocent lives at risk,” Iranian President Hassan...
Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp
ISRAEL — In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. I figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn on my iPhone. That’s when Ahmed, a Palestinian camper, saw what I was looking at. I thought ‘shit, now I’m...
Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream
In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish targets and small pebbles referencing the rocks thrown at Israeli tanks and cars. “Alongside all those nutty chunks, this pint packs a powerful message under...
Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when Netanyahu...
Israelis and Palestinians Demand End to 50 Cent-Ja Rule Conflict
Declaring that the both sides in the dispute need to put the past behind them, Israelis and Palestinians have come together to call for an end to the longstanding conflict between rappers Ja Rule and 50 Cent. The joint plea for peace between the two New York City rappers comes after 50 Cent reignited the feud when he bought 200 front-row seat tickets to Ja Rule’s concert in Arlington, Texas. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas offered to host peace talks, declaring that...
All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed
In a further bid to control gun violence in America, all Jewish retirees are now to be armed and given full close quarter battle training by SWAT teams. An NRA spokesperson commented, “We fully support the President’s comments that things could have turned out differently if the worshippers had been packing heat. It’s clear that 97-year-old Rose Mallinger could have stood a much better chance if she’d had the ability to shoot back. Probably not a 9mm pistol as the recoil might...
ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’
Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out. Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...
ISIS Disbands After Stephen Hawking Reveals ‘There is No God’
The Islamic State has officially announced its dissolution after scientist Stephen Hawking’s revelation that “there is no God” made the radical Islamist group irrelevant. ISIS, which declared the restoration of the Islamic caliphate in 2014 and has spent the past four years waging a holy war, learned of Hawking’s discovery while reading his recently-published final book. The group initially tried to remake itself as a radical atheist organization, beheading believers and changing its slogan from “There is no God but Allah”...
Hamas Leader to Move to Israel After Discovering He’s 1/1024 Jewish
In a shocking turn, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh announced that he has renounced jihad and now supports Zionism after a DNA test revealed that he is nearly 0.1 percent Jewish. Haniyeh now says he will move to Israel, practice Judaism and join the Likud party, a dramatic turnaround for a leader who previously vowed to destroy the Jewish state. He announced the findings in a heartfelt video posted to his campaign website, which featured the former terrorist learning the results of...
Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise
Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 76 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic male martyr would have, but instead of the 72 virgins the Quran promises us, I only got 55,” said Hayat...
Islam Just Going Through Rebellious Teenage Years, Father Says
With the rise of groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS and Islamic extremism in general, the religion that gave the world huge advances in the sciences, mathematics, and medicine when it was younger, is now going through some natural growing pains. “Islam is going through a tough time right now,” Abraham, Father of Nations, said, as he poured a stiff glass of scotch, single malt of course. “It’s natural that Islam is facing things that all religions go through as they reach...
ISIS Announces Pumpkin Spice Suicide Vest
Looking to capitalize on excitement over the start of autumn, ISIS has announced a new line of pumpkin spice suicide vests aimed at attracting new recruits. “Martyrs will no longer have to wait until they are in paradise for their reward,” ISIS said in a LinkedIn post advertising an open position as a suicide bomber. “Their final breaths on Earth will be taking in the sweet smell of pumpkin flavor that can only mean autumn has arrived.” The initiative received...
Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...
Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven
According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious: despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in painful sores, and going to the toilet is excruciating,” relayed Shapiro. According to Shapiro – who learnt Arabic from her...
Fans Fear God Can’t Think of Ending For Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
Popular author, God, has millions of fans all over the world. They literally worship the ground he walks on, and his best-selling books have sold hundreds of millions of copies. For years, God’s fans have reveled in the ongoing drama of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The action packed and dramatic saga has been popular news for decades. However some fans are beginning to worry. “It just seems like he’s reusing plot points that we’ve all seen before,” said one fan. It seems...
The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven
In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...
ISIS Unleashes ‘War of Micro-Aggressions’ against the US
Calling it the final phase in their mission to destroy America and turn the whole world into an Islamic caliphate, the terrorist group ISIS launched a new “war of micro-aggressions” against the US this week. “Until the American crusaders withdraw from our countries and accept Sharia Law, our warriors will appropriate their culture, subtly patronize their heritage, perpetuate harmful stereotypes and show little to no sensitivity towards Americans’ minority status in the global community,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told...