Culture
In Wake of Burkini Ban, Muslim Women Demand Criminalization of Fat White Men in Speedos
CANNES – A French-Muslim group has called for a ban on what it terms “woefully-endowed white walruses terrorizing our kids in public,” alongside the repeal of a string of municipal measures outlawing the burkini in southern France. Speaking to reporters yesterday, Dr. Yasmina Al-Hazeemi of France’s Think of the Children! Foundation urged the nation’s parliament to criminalize the tight-fitting male swimsuit, framing the so-called ‘budgie smuggler scourge’ as a public safety crisis: “These obscene bathers are in fact evil terrorists...
New York Times Praises Saudis for Not Putting White Man on Moon
Calling the Kingdom a “beacon of tolerance and progressive values,” a column in The New York Times praised Saudi Arabia for winning the “space race for equality” by refusing to put a straight white male on the moon. “While Americans were busy spreading white supremacy by sending cis-gendered straight white men into space, one after another, Saudi leadership refused to compromise on its pluralistic values,” the column stated. “Men and women, gay and straight, of all races stayed on Earth...
North Korean Leader Says Nuclear Program Necessary Because Women Made Fun of His Height
In the most extensive comments on his nuclear ambitions to date, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un said he needs an extensive weapons program because women refuse to take him seriously on dating sites due to his height. In a heated exchange with US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Kim was told that is not acceptable to continue developing his nuclear weapons program and responded by yelling, “Is it acceptable for women to refuse to go out with me because...
Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts
JERUSALEM — Due to always-escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel, while some actually have nothing to do with the Jewish State at all. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?”...
Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg to Join ISIS
Saying he was furious over criticism that his site had contributed to the spread of fake news leading up to, and continuing after, the November 8, 2016 U.S. presidential election, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that he will be moving to Syria and joining ISIS. “The claim that Facebook is awash with false and misleading news is completely unfounded,” Zuckerberg told The Mideast Beast. “That is why I have decided to fight the American infidels on behalf of the resurgent...
“When You Make Generalizations about Muslims, All 1.6 Billion Muslims Are Offended,” Says Apologist with Tenuous Grasp on Concept of Irony
The question of what constitutes an offensive remark about minority groups continues to plague us in somewhat the same way Miley Cyrus’ twerking most often results in involuntary vomiting. Muslims are often cited as being among the most easily offended people, in what has become a close race with hipsters, old-timey Southern women who say, “well, I never!” and Donald Trump who has skin as thick as Kanye. And while it remains obvious to most people that not all Muslims can...
Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 55 Virgins in Paradise
Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 76 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic male martyr would have, but instead of the 72 virgins the Quran promises us, I only got 55,” said Hayat...
Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks
“I mean, just look around. Open your eyes people!” Steven Goldstein told The Mideast Beast (TMB). Goldstein, a self-proclaimed, tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist from south Florida, requested a meeting with TMB to discuss one of his newest theories. “They’re controlling everything. You think you’re a unique individual? Wrong. You’re just a cog in their world domination machine. Your whole life, all your efforts are just fuel for their continued rule.” Goldstein is referring to non-Jews, who he believes control the world’s...
Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’
A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the Brooklynites explained their more severe stance: “It’s not enough to stop white people from selling Arab food. We need to stop the chauvinist market of...
Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party
Following a fierce backlash against social media personality Kylie Jenner for her controversially themed Handmaid’s Tale party, an unsuspecting defender has come to her cause. Iran’s Supreme Leader has backed the party and its socialite host as “a rare example of a Western party which professes conservative Sharia values”. A spokesperson for the Islamic Republic’s highest office holder commented further, “as far as party themes go, the submission of women to a theocratic regime and the patriarchal overlords where blind...
Golan Heights Town That Is Named After Trump Declares Bankruptcy
Just days after ground was broken in the new Golan Heights settlement, Trump Heights announced that it had no choice but to officially declare bankruptcy after billions of shekels of debt was discovered on its balance sheet. The move shocked auditors, who noted that the only construction to take place so far was a groundbreaking ceremony for a commemorative plaque. A list of expenditures in Chapter 9 documents revealed that most of the funding was spent on “Make America Great...
Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”
The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long as the amount of government oppression does not exceed UN recommended levels. In one recent study, 47% of Americans thought...
DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’
Speaking before a packed United Nations General Assembly, rapper-producer DJ Khaled has pitched a bold plan for resolving one of the world’s most intractable conflicts: the creation of a binational state in the Holy Land, with hip hop as its only religion. According to the Snapchat superpower’s peace proposal, Israel, the West Bank and Gaza Strip would be united as a single state called ‘WeTheBesti-istan’, with Khaled as President for Life and Jewish reggae superstar Matisyahu as Vice-President for Life. Khaled,...
God to Release Long-Awaited Sixth Book of Moses
After thousands of years of writer’s block, The Almighty One in Heaven has finally announced the production of an additional book to the Five Books of Moses. “It took me a while to think of an idea that was good enough to continue the story,” proclaimed The Lord. “I set up a really great foundation in the last Five Books, and I didn’t want to ruin that. But I eventually thought of a way to advance the narrative that I...
Dyke March Bans Supporters with Large Noses
In an effort to create a safe space for Palestinians and anti-Zionists, organizers of the Dyke March announced that people with long or hook-shaped noses will be banned from next year’s event. The march courted controversy this year when it banned pride flags with the Star of David and other Jewish symbols in a move it said marked solidarity with Palestinian supporters. Despite the ban, however, organizers fear some Zionists may have slipped into the event disguised as normal people. “Even...
Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose
Calling it a momentous step towards recognition of the LGBTQ+ community, Saudi Arabia announced that all homosexuals executed during pride month would be hung from a rainbow noose or beheaded with a rainbow-colored ax. Though human rights activists said much further process remains necessary, the announcement marks a major step forward for gay equality in the kingdom. “We have a thriving gay community here in Saudi Arabia, and this is our way of recognizing and celebrating it,” Crown Prince Mohammad...
Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World
As Gay Pride marches take place around the globe, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast doubt over the veracity of the survey in light of the social conservatism of the city which lies at the heart of the Islamic world. The poll organizers have admitted that the company they hired...
Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week
Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv, just as the city’s annual Gay Pride Week’s activities kicked off. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or...
Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies
According to the results of a study conducted by one prestigious American community college, over 87% of comments made on various internet forums about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were written by people who had completed master’s degrees in the field of middle eastern studies, or in a comparable field. The study, which was carried out by researchers over a five-year period, finally explains why most comments online about the issue are so intelligent and thoroughly researched. According to Emeritus Professor Susie...
Hatari Petitions The Hague Over Bland Falafel in Israel
Accusing the nation of engaging in “apartheid against foreign musicians,” Icelandic techno group Hatari filed charges against Israel for crimes against humanity after being served tasteless falafel during its trip for Eurovision. “While I know that the Middle East has seen injustice and suffering, nothing can compare to the pain of expecting the best falafel I’ve ever tasted and instead being handed a dry, stale, lukewarm ball of mediocrity,” Hatari drummer Einar Stefansson said in a press conference as he...