Culture
ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group
In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a lot of obstacles to getting this deal done,” Spencer told reporters. “Namely, we hate Arabs and Muslims, and they hate whites and infidels.”...
Iranian Leadership: “Just Be Unhappy Like All Other Damn Western Couples”
Iranian religious leadership has reaffirmed their strong stance that marriage is something that should be endured until either the sweet release of death, or failing that a damn good divorce lawyer. “We won’t stand for all this happiness and displays of affection around this sacred bond,” remarked a spokesman for the religious police. “Why can’t they be miserable like my second cousin and his wife in Baltimore? He spends his days fantasizing about the new intern in Accounts, and she...
BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”
In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is dedicated to convincing people, governments, and corporations that Israel is worth thinking about in their spare time. Though with the attempt at boycotting Matisyahu (a...
Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship
Following the most recent beheading of a colleague, graphic design graduate Mark Davis began to regret taking the internship with Al-Hayat media, which he had applied to during his final semester. “The job market is really tight for recent grads, you know? So I saw the opportunity with ISIS and I had to jump on it,” said Davis in an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast. “I won’t lie, I got really great experience working in post-production, so I can’t...
Insecure Gazan Man Furious at Hamas for Not Choosing Him as Human Shield
GAZA CITY – 56-year-old Palestinian Rafah Saleem al-Fayoumi stared forlornly at the funeral procession for his neighbor Hasan’s children, thinking to himself, “Why did Hamas leaders choose Hasan’s kids to be human shields against the evil Zionists instead of mine? Am I not good enough?” Turning to a sympathetic BBC reporter, al-Fayoumi then poured out his feelings: “Why is the blood of Hasan’s children somehow better than the blood of mine? It’s so unjust – Hasan’s family gets everything! Last week Hamas...
Following Brexit Vote, UK Considers Joining Middle East
With Britain looking for a new home after narrowly voting to leave the EU, the Brits are reportedly considering joining the Middle East. “Things didn’t work out with Europe, but it’s time we get back out there on the market,” former London mayor and leading Brexiter Boris Johnson told The Mideast Beast. “The Middle East has some great things to offer; it’s got warm weather, historical sites, people with real tans, a touch of our own imperial legacy, and a little...
Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters
Winner of the sexiest nation (Middle East and North Africa Division) for three years running, Israel, has expressed concerned at the quality of international chicks willing to ‘stand by it’. Chatting with The Mideast Beast in an exclusive heart to heart, the Zionist hunk was unrepentant. “Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful for the support, it’s just that I have certain standards and a reputation to uphold. I mean have you been down the Tel Aviv beachfront on a Friday...
Ilhan Omar Apologizes, Had No Idea ‘Kikey McJewface’ was Offensive
Freshman Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is once again apologizing for what some have called anti-Semitic remarks, saying that she did not know the term ‘Kikey McJewface’ was considered offensive. “I am always willing to learn from my mistakes, and I now understand that this term has triggered some sensitivities among my Jewish colleagues and constituents,” Omar, who used the slur towards CNN analyst Fareed Zakaria after he wrote a column highlighting anti-Semitism in the Muslim world, tweeted. “At the same time, I...
Amazon Chooses Saudi Arabia for Second Headquarters
A week after cancelling its plan to build its second headquarters in Long Island City, Amazon announced that it will instead build HQ2 in Saudi Arabia, where it will be free from media scrutiny and grassroots political opposition. “We just can’t risk taking the time and expense to work out an elaborate deal with a mayor, governor or Prime Minister only to have it blown up by a handful of protestors or a bartender on Twitter,” Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos...
Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp
“Guilty,” said the Israeli judge, relaying the verdict of two Palestinian teens that stood accused of carrying out a terror attack that left several Israelis wounded. The teens, who make up the worst duo since Milli Vanilli, didn’t react to their verdict until they heard the sentence. “We were mentally prepared to spend time in an Israeli prison,” one teen told the press, “But… the punishment they gave us… it’s much, much worse.” The Israeli court decided that the pair...
Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism
In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...
Anti-Semites Fear Ilhan Omar is Using Anti-Semitic Tropes at Unsustainable Rate
Warning that the Congresswoman was on course to burn through all major Jewish stereotypes in her first year in office, a number of prominent bigots have urged Minnesota Democrat Ilhan Omar to pace herself in her use of anti-Semitic dog whistles. The warnings came after Omar was forced to apologize for implying that members of Congress support Israel due to payoffs from pro-Israel lobbyists, deploying the “rich Jews run the world stereotype.” This came just weeks after she apologized for...
After Conversion, Israel Now Focusing Diaspora Outreach Solely on Jenna Jameson
The Mideast Beast has learned that after former adult film actress-turned-entrepreneur, Jenna Jameson, told reporters she converted to Judaism the Israeli government has announced it will redeploy all its resources to convince the former porn star to move to the Holy Land. “Previously, our diaspora outreach program aimed at appealing to a broad swath of Jews in Europe, the United States and the former Soviet Union,” noted ultra-nationalist Israeli Minister Naftali Bennett. Speaking to the Mideast Beast, Bennet said, “Now, however, we...
Muslim Nations Accuse Israel of Mistreating Palestinians to Distract from Humane Treatment of Homosexuals
While claims of wrongdoing on the part of the Jewish State are not at all rare coming from Muslim nations, many maintain a “we’ve heard it all” mentality towards the claims. And though excuses may be like assholes, in that everyone has one and they all stink, accusations of Israeli crimes are more like Halal food farts – not all of them come from Muslims, but the majority tend to. Today the world finally heard a new accusation voiced by...
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest
These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mates right before their souls meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...
Pope Arrives in UAE to ‘Chill’
Pope Francis has admitted today that he is visiting the Gulf this week purely to ‘chillax’ like everyone else that turns up during the Northern hemisphere winter months. “A lot of people are making a big thing about this being a major step forward in interfaith understanding. And that’s great,” the leader of the Catholic faith commented from a chilly Vatican City. “However, I also really need some sun and fun, and I hear those six-star hotels are the real...
Mideast Groundhog Sees Shadow, Signaling Six More Generations of War
In a disappointing development for residents of the region, the Middle Eastern version of Groundhog Day ended with the groundhog seeing his shadow, an indicator that six more generations of war are ahead. Thousands of onlookers from across the Arabian Peninsula and beyond gathered in Mecca to watch Bunxsutawney Bill come out of his burrow, hoping he would usher in an era of peace. But the rodent soon scurried back into his hole, meaning the Mideast can expect at least...
God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount
With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...
Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11
After reading several books touting conspiracy theories, former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden spent his last days in his compound in Pakistan questioning not only the U.S. government’s version of 9/11 but his own role in the 2001 attacks, newly released documents show. Among the books bin Laden kept in his Abbottabad compound was David Ray Griffin’s “The New Pearl Harbor,” which claims that the Twin Towers were not brought down by planes and that 9/11 was a “False...
Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname
Tens of thousands of Israelis flooded the streets of Tel Aviv today demanding more choices in their upcoming election. Protest Leader Avi Ben Shlomo addressed the crowd. “We Jews have defied history and built a state. Is it really so much to ask that we have a choice of a leader with a real name? Bibi? Bougie? Seriously, Bamba sounds more like the name of a real leader and that’s a fucking snack food! And don’t get me started on...