Culture
Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind most western countries despite all of the media hype. We’re just way, way, way behind.” “We want to create a...
‘We Had Half the Population Covering their Faces Pre-Covid,’ Brag Saudis
A new PR campaign celebrating the ingenuity and modernity of Saudi Arabia is bragging about its strict Islamic laws, which have required women to cover their faces for decades before Covid-19. “For so many years the West gave us shit for making women cover up, now all of these liberal U.S. governors are forcing even men to do the same,” Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS) told The Mideast Beast. “Thanks to Islam, we stay ahead of the curve,” he...
Trump: ‘I am the Second Coming of Christ’
President Donald Trump recently said that God had spoken to him in a dream and indicated that he had sent the novel Coronavirus for Trump to “prove himself”. “…And then came a Plague, a tremendous Plague, and the World was never to be the same again! But America rose from this death and destruction, always remembering its many dead, and there were a lot of dead, and also the lost souls in other places, and America became greater than ever...
Assad: Biden Smelled My Hair and Touched Me Inappropriately
Syrian President Bashar Assad has accused Joe Biden of “smelling my hair and touching me inappropriately.” The explosive story comes at a time when many Americans are having second thoughts about Biden’s eligibility as America’s next President. A devastated Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from The Institute for Traumatized Despots in the Levant. “One day during my studies in London, the creepy US senator Joe Biden smelled my hair and touched me inappropriately. From there on it literally went...
New York’s Mayor Personally Breaks Apart Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Family Dinners
New York’s mayor Bill de Blasio will begin personally breaking apart ultra-orthodox Jewish family meals in densely populated pockets of Brooklyn. The mayor made his announcement on Twitter Wednesday. The policy is de Blasio’s latest act in Covid-19 inspired anti-semitism. The mayor will rotate through religious Jewish neighborhoods every day in order to bring a halt to meals. The mayor’s office clarified that the millions of non-Haredi New Yorkers who Mayor de Blasio encounters on his daily walks, including “hipsters...
Mayor de Blasio Celebrates Israel’s Independence Day by Reminding Jews Why They Need a State
After breaking up an illegal and massive gathering of ultra-orthodox Jews in New York City this week, Mayor de Blasio felt it was appropriate to send a reminder to the entire Jewish community that they deserve to be called out specifically for their actions. Through this act of public service, the mayor aptly celebrated Israel’s Independence Day, the birth of the modern Jewish state, by reminding “the Jewish community” why being lumped together and blamed collectively is one of the...
Hollywood: People Should Take Annual Week in Quarantine to Commemorate “Scary and Unsettling” Mansion Lockdown
Celebrities on coronavirus lockdown are proposing that the world “take a week of quarantine” every year to commemorate the “scary and unsettling” time they went through and the unique insights it has given them. “I think that everyone should take a week of quarantine every year just to remember this time,” said British actor Idris Elba, who said he and his wife were lucky not to suffer serious symptoms of the virus. “Being on lockdown has definitely been a scary,...
Trump Allows Jews to Resume Eating Bread After Passover
In a series of early morning tweets, President Donald Trump gave Jews permission to eat bread post-Passover. The announcement came days after he gave American governors the authority to decide when to open up their states. “I hope you go eat bagels, your people make some great bagels, and charge very nicely for it. Always know how to charge a lot. I respect that,” Trump said, after giving Jews permission to resume eating bread. Experts have pointed out that in...
‘I Was on Ambien When I Ate the Bat’ Wuhan Wet Market Customer Admits
Patient zero in the COVID-19 outbreak has been identified and has admitted to eating the raw bat that ignited a global pandemic, but blamed her action on the prescription sleep aid Ambien. “I’m so embarrassed. It was two in the morning and I was Ambien eating, and I decided to try a raw bat,” the Wuhan resident, a regular at ‘The Bat Cave,’ one of the city’s most popular wet markets, explained. “I went too far and take responsibility, even...
Global Yeast Shortage Prevents Christ from Rising
Normally, Christians learn how Jesus was covered, rested, and chilled in a cave for three days in order to emerge fully risen, and ready to be turned into wafers every Sunday. However, this year won’t have a normal Easter. Despite efforts from the church to cover it up for years, it is apparent that God is not the only rising agent involved in the Easter miracle. And, due to the unfortunate collision of quarantine, Instagram stories, and hippies, it appears...
‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining
An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Wednesday on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating all the way back to 2006. “For us to all-of-the-sudden pick up this habit of staying quarantined at home just because...
Study Finds 80% of Jewish Seders Will Skip Over the Plagues This Passover
A study released this week from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem found that 80% of Jewish families are choosing to skip the plague section of the Passover Seder this year due to “plague overkill”. Despite the listing of the ten plagues being one of the most important parts of the Passover Seder ritual, the study found that eight out of ten Jewish families are feeling a little “plagued out” this year. Usually Jewish people only have to think about plagues...
Messiah Cancels Redemptive Arrivals to Holy Land
In a strongly worded official statement in Yiddish to the leaders of ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities, Messiah’s Press Office Spokeswoman announced, “Messiah has decided to place the Holy Land in an unholy quarantine and has cancelled all redemptive arrivals before the year 7255.” The harsh statement from Heaven comes after some ultra-Orthodox Jews have violated corona-related social distancing rules in Israel and in New York. As a result, COVID-19 cases have soared among insular ultra-Orthodox communities in Israel and in NYC....
Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine
The health-concerned feminist Taliban have placed Afghani harems in indefinite quarantine. The dramatic development comes as the coronavirus has wreaked havoc on Afghanistan’s once booming Jihad Trade Exchange and closed the country’s world-famous beaches to opium-seeking California dreaming surfers. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar told The Mideast Beast how it feels to be in self-imposed quarantine in a compact cave with 4 Jihad Playmate wives and 72 Victoria Secret virgin servants. “It’s very difficult but someone has to do...
Heaven Decreases Virgins Per Muslim from 72 to 4 Amid Fears that Large Gatherings Further the Spread of Covid-19
A new report from heaven indicates that the inter-religious council of Gods will be announcing today a decrease in virgins per Muslim from 72 to 4. The move was adopted out of fears that large gatherings will lead to the spread of the novel coronavirus. The move comes after the council rejected plans by the Abrahamic Gods to save the population by building an ark. “Things are going to be a lot different around here,” said a representative of the...
Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone
Yemen, the poorest country in the Middle East, is expecting a sudden economic boom after the Netherlands announced that it was closing down its marijuana “coffee shops” in an attempt to contain the spread of coronavirus. Panicked Dutch people immediately queued up to buy weed, but most of them went home empty-handed as buyers showed little concerns for the needs of their fellow Dutch and hoarded the drug as if it were toilet paper. Instead, the desperate Dutch turned to...
Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe
Disney World is deciding whether to relocate from Florida to Syria after a sinking accident involving Disney World’s popular Jungle Cruise boat. The recently appointed and highly experienced Security Chief of Disney World, Dick Grenell, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Unfortunately, Florida has become too dangerous for our visitors. It is infested with man-eating alligators and I don’t speak Spanglish. Furthermore, Florida is the most unstable swinger state battleground between America’s two most dangerous people: Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders....
PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects
The PLO movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ shocked the movie industry by winning the Oscar for “Best Fake News Special Effects.” CNN, which was involved in the PLO movie project, won the Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor.” An impressed Steven Spielberg told The Mideast Beast: “I’ve done ‘Jaws’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ but nobody beats PLO in staging massacres and faking ancient civilizations. Infidelity-friendly Hollywood infidels can learn a great deal from Jihad-friendly Pallywood.” Self-described progressive singer turned Middle East expert John Legend...
Bernie Sanders Celebrates World Hijab Day, Detained at JFK Airport
Seeking to boost his progressive pre-election credentials, a Hijab-clad Bernie Sanders was accidentally detained at JFK airport on World Hijab Day. JFK’s security manager told The Mideast Beast, “We mistakenly believed that Mr. Sanders was an activated female Jihad terrorist from a Cuban terrorist cell. We heard something ticking suspiciously inside his socialist hijab.” A fuming Sanders told The Mideast Beast, “The security was so rude that I almost thought that I was in Israel. In solidarity with oppressed communities,...
Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles
President Donald Trump said he has added domestic Iranian cultural sites, including Los Angeles’s “Little Persia,” to its list of potential targets in the event of an Iranian attack. “This is a WARNING! If Iran strikes America, we will bomb anything Iranian that we can find!” Trump tweeted Sunday morning. “We will start by wiping out Persian Square in LA, and if that doesn’t stop the ayatollahs we will begin rounding up Persian cats!” Little Persia, also known as Tehrangeles,...