Culture

Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns
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Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns

In response to legislation in Austria, Denmark and France banning Muslim women from wearing the burqa, Muslim countries across the Middle East have begun cracking down on young to middle-aged white men sporting “man buns”. Saudi Arabia was the first to issue a “man bun ban,” calling the hairstyle a threat to national security. Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan soon followed...

School Board to Rename All Buildings After Transgender ISIS Member
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School Board to Rename All Buildings After Transgender ISIS Member

Calling it a necessary step in the battle against white supremacy, the San Francisco Board of Education announced that it will rename every school and administrative building in the city after Fatima al-Rajuli, a transgender member of the Islamic State terror group. After voting to remove the names of historical figures including Abraham Lincoln, Paul Revere and George Washington from...

Ahmadinejad Hangs Self After Realizing He’s Attracted to Elliot Page
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Ahmadinejad Hangs Self After Realizing He’s Attracted to Elliot Page

Former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was found dead in his Tehran home Saturday, taking his own life after discovering that he is sexually attracted to actor Elliot Page. Ahmadinejad reportedly discovered his attraction to the actor, who is formerly known as Ellen and recently came out as transgender, while watching the 2007 Oscar-winning film Juno. Ahmadinejad, who has frequently condemned...

In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners
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In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners

In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and men alone,” Crown Prince Mohammed...

Gay Vandals Give Al-Aqsa Mosque ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve
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Gay Vandals Give Al-Aqsa Mosque ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve

JERUSALEM – Not long after painting Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In a daring New Year’s Eve mission, activists from the Arab LGBT group snuck onto Jerusalem’s Temple Mount and scaled the Al-Aqsa Mosque to execute their so-called...

Trump Demands to see Jesus’ Birth Certificate
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Trump Demands to see Jesus’ Birth Certificate

As Christians around the world celebrated the miraculous birth of the Messiah, one brave outlier remained skeptical of his origin story. Although Trump insists that the Bible is his favorite book, he refused to cow to Big Church’s insistence tweeting, “No, Jesus wasn’t born in a stable in Jewdea (sic), I demand to see his birth certificate”. “Everybody’s thinking about...

Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children
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Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children

Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus told The Mideast Beast. “The...

Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria
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Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria

According to the Russian Interfax news service, just in time for the holidays, Russia is planning to deploy an additional S-300 ‘Santa Tracking’ surface to air missile system to Syria. The weapon will be capable of tracking Santa Claus across Syrian airspace. The Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD) insists that the system is nothing for the US or its allies...

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

Santa Claus is being held by ISIS fighters in Syria, as the Islamic State is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s North Pole correspondent. “Every...

San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’
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San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’

San Francisco will remove the name of Jesus Christ from all churches and public buildings after a renaming committee found that the Messiah “did now show sufficient commitment to raising the dead, healing the blind or cleansing lepers.” Jeremiah Jeffries, the chairman of the renaming committee, also criticized Christ for only allowing a handful of paralytics to walk, as well...

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business
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Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon.com is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, stroked his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this...

Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
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Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving

It has been confirmed that President Trump’s recent calls for downsizing US troops in Afghanistan is to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry Christmas’ sign being...

ISIS Leader Wears Dress on Vogue Cover to Prove His Bravery
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ISIS Leader Wears Dress on Vogue Cover to Prove His Bravery

Looking to earn the respect of his organization’s fighters, ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi has agreed to appear on the cover of Vogue wearing a Gucci dress for the magazine’s January issue. Qurashi, who has struggled to earn the trust of his mujahadeen since his predecessor Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was killed, told The Mideast Beast that the idea came...