Culture

Saudi Prince MBS Announces He’s Now “Pro-Choice”, Women Who Dress Immodestly Can Now “Choose Punishment”
, ,

Saudi Prince MBS Announces He’s Now “Pro-Choice”, Women Who Dress Immodestly Can Now “Choose Punishment”

In his latest attempt to show the world that Saudi Arabia is modernizing under his leadership, the Kingdom’s maverick Prince, Muhammed “Bone Saw” Bin Salman (MBS), has officially declared the Kingdom “Pro-Choice.” Effective immediately, when ‘ankle-flashers’ and their ilk are caught violating Sharia’s Modesty Laws, they’ll get to choose from a ‘potpourri of punishments’ unimaginable under previous regimes. For example,...

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career
,

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client.  “You expect to get away from it...

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday
,

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the Five F’s” –  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque
,

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much...

Cuming to Skies Near You: Air Aviv to Offer Clothing-Optional “Adults-Only” Class
, ,

Cuming to Skies Near You: Air Aviv to Offer Clothing-Optional “Adults-Only” Class

TEL AVIV – For the first time in aviation history, Tel Aviv-based carrier Air Aviv will offer a restricted, clothing-optional “Adults-Only Class” on selected trans-Mediterranean routes. The separate section – to be located at the rear of each aircraft – will offer five rows of business class-quality seats, each with widescreen flat screen with over 10,000 free adult films, retractable privacy shutters, complimentary...

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols
,

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it...

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World
, ,

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

Despite the ongoing pandemic, Gay Pride marches are set to take place around the globe in just over a month and a half. However, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast...

In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners
,

In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners

In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and men alone,” Crown Prince Mohammed...

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter
, ,

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus of Nazareth has confirmed what many Christians have feared for centuries: Passover is a way cooler holiday than Easter. “I just like how Passover is all organized with a manual for dummies and all,” said the former failed carpenter-turned-shepherd of salvation. “Easter is just very haphazard, even I can’t keep track...

Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns
,

Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns

In response to legislation in Austria, Denmark and France banning Muslim women from wearing the burqa, Muslim countries across the Middle East have begun cracking down on young to middle-aged white men sporting “man buns”. Saudi Arabia was the first to issue a “man bun ban,” calling the hairstyle a threat to national security. Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan soon followed...

School Board to Rename All Buildings After Transgender ISIS Member
,

School Board to Rename All Buildings After Transgender ISIS Member

Calling it a necessary step in the battle against white supremacy, the San Francisco Board of Education announced that it will rename every school and administrative building in the city after Fatima al-Rajuli, a transgender member of the Islamic State terror group. After voting to remove the names of historical figures including Abraham Lincoln, Paul Revere and George Washington from...