Culture

ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
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ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

BLACK FRIDAY — ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi’s determination to score a cheap, big flat screen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Al-Qurashi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already...

God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’

God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’

In a surprise announcement, The Almighty One, Blessed Be He, dropped his new commandment without warning this past Friday morning: “Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out”. This is the first commandment that the Chief Shepherd has released in thousands of years, but he explained that it has been in the works for some time. When asked what inspired him to...

Saudi Prince MBS Announces He’s Now “Pro-Choice”, Women Who Dress Immodestly Can Now “Choose Punishment”

Saudi Prince MBS Announces He’s Now “Pro-Choice”, Women Who Dress Immodestly Can Now “Choose Punishment”

In his latest attempt to show the world that Saudi Arabia is modernizing under his leadership, the Kingdom’s maverick Prince, Muhammed “Bone Saw” Bin Salman (MBS), has officially declared the Kingdom “Pro-Choice.” Effective immediately, when ‘ankle-flashers’ and their ilk are caught violating Sharia’s Modesty Laws, they’ll get to choose from a ‘potpourri of punishments’ unimaginable under previous regimes. For example,...

Mormons Shocked to Learn Mount Sinai Not Really in Nebraska

Mormons Shocked to Learn Mount Sinai Not Really in Nebraska

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been shocked by the recent discovery that Mount Sinai, the spot where Moses received the ten commandments from God, was in fact in modern day Saudi Arabia and not in Banner County, Nebraska as previously believed. Archeologists now say that the Jabal Maqula mountain in northwestern Saudi Arabia is...

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client.  “You expect to get away from it...

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the Five F’s” –  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque
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Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week
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Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv last week during the city’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly...

Cuming to Skies Near You: Air Aviv to Offer Clothing-Optional “Adults-Only” Class
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Cuming to Skies Near You: Air Aviv to Offer Clothing-Optional “Adults-Only” Class

TEL AVIV – For the first time in aviation history, Tel Aviv-based carrier Air Aviv will offer a restricted, clothing-optional “Adults-Only Class” on selected trans-Mediterranean routes. The separate section – to be located at the rear of each aircraft – will offer five rows of business class-quality seats, each with widescreen flat screen with over 10,000 free adult films, retractable privacy shutters, complimentary...

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it...

Al Qaeda Learns ‘Words are Violence,’ Launches Attack of Insensitive Remarks

Al Qaeda Learns ‘Words are Violence,’ Launches Attack of Insensitive Remarks

The terror group al Qaeda has announced a major shift in its strategy after discovering that racially insensitive comments and microaggressions now count as violence. Recently, the group released a video that Slate has called its most violent attack since 9/11, as leader Ayman al-Zawahiri read out a series of subtly offensive statements. “We at al Qaeda would like to...

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World
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Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

Despite the ongoing pandemic, Gay Pride marches are set to take place around the globe in just over a month and a half. However, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast...

In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners
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In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners

In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and men alone,” Crown Prince Mohammed...

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus of Nazareth has confirmed what many Christians have feared for centuries: Passover is a way cooler holiday than Easter. “I just like how Passover is all organized with a manual for dummies and all,” said the former failed carpenter-turned-shepherd of salvation. “Easter is just very haphazard, even I can’t keep track...