LAUSANNE, Switzerland – The negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program are nearing another deadline with no resolution in sight, and yet participating leaders from both sides seem to emerge from the sessions in an uncharacteristically good mood. The Israeli Daily caught up with some of the major figures involved to ask them about the progress of the negotiations. “Some people have suggested...
After learning he will not face criminal charges in the US, the NYPD officer captured on video applying a fatal chokehold to an unarmed man this past summer has been hired by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, the elite military force tasked with maintaining order and protecting the regime domestically. “We were looking for new recruits who would use deadly force...
Netanyahu’s is to fly to the European Union’s HQ in Brussels tomorrow morning to discuss an agreement with the anti-Israel lobby on how many Israelis must die in conflicts with terror groups. The quota, which is likely to be too low to satisfy ‘liberals’ whatever the figure, will allow a certain amount of indiscriminate and unprovoked rockets to hit civilian...
As proof that his negotiating acumen has succeeded in ‘serious concessions’ from Iran on behalf of Israeli security, Secretary of State John Kerry today revealed the mullahs agreement never to nuke the Jewish state on a Monday, Wednesday or Sunday. “John Kerry understands the serious security concerns of the Israeli people,” Kerry explained, as he spoke about himself in the...
Earlier this month, Benjamin Netanyahu pissed off Democrats by speaking in front of Congress about Iran’s nuclear program. He and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner have been engaged in a hot bromance ever since. Jealous and not to be outdone, Barack Obama has requested that Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei speak before Congress in favor of negotiations. “I...
A lone, disoriented Canadian pilot has inadvertently joined Saudi Arabia in a bombing run over military installations in Yemen held by Shiite rebels. “I guess I zigged when I should’ve zagged,” Captain Luc Forget said after flipping a bitch midair and returning to base. Forget normally flies sorties over ISIS-held territory in Syria with his wingman, Lieutenant Gordy Furtado. “Gordy had had...
In a move guaranteed to delight fan boys everywhere, the IDF has agreed to a ten-year marketing agreement with the people that brought you The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy. The move means that from now on IDF operations will not be burdened with such yawn-encouraging names as “Cast Lead” or “Protective Edge” and instead will benefit from much snappier...
Up until now as confusing as Bashar al-Assad’s wispy moustache, America’s war against ISIS in Syria will soon hone in on who the enemy exactly is by incorporating that most effective weapon of mass distraction: the text message. Rebels of questionable allegiance will be sent this electronic message: “USA: BFF or DOA?” Based on their answers, the White House will...
This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known...
In a wide-ranging interview with The Mideast Beast, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad admitted that he likely ‘overcompensates’ for his father Hafez Assad’s opinion that he wasn’t up to succeeding in the family business. “My father was a very competitive man. Self made. Really liked to murder people with his own hands. So you can imagine what that was like growing...
Ever since last summer’s armed conflict between Israel and Gazan combatants, Israel continues to lose the media war. A representative from the Defense Ministry’s Department of Mentally Challenged PR said, “It’s unfortunate that the Pro-Palestinian camp has such good looking supporters. People like Mark Ruffalo, Javier Barden, and Penelope Cruz have all come out in support of the Palestinian cause. Then again, they...
Syrian President Bashar Assad has accused his country’s medical professionals of violating their Hippocratic Oath by abandoning the approximately 200,000 men, women and children who have perished since civil war broke out four years ago. “Truth be told, most of the injuries started out as flesh wounds. Had our doctors not up and left their countrymen, the death toll would...
Only months ago, a new age began to dawn in Iraq as that last corrupt, incompetent, and yes let’s face it slightly creepy chap has been replaced by a charming, talented and darkly handsome fellow, who is in no shape or form going to screw everything up royally. One White House Spokesman was bursting with happiness “we’ve backed a winner...
Naftali Bennett, Israel’s Minister of Economy and man that gives new meaning to ‘right-wing’ has announced he has endorsed the efforts of a bloc of nations in the UN self-styled E.V.I.L. who have condemned the lack of recognition by the Security Council of their villainous antics. E.V.I.L., which stands for Every Violation In Law, is a campaign group started by...
Despite Libyan Prime Minister Abdullah al-Thinni resigning a while back, and yet staying in power until a new government can be formed, has been greeted with global confusion as people try to come to terms with the fact that Libya apparently had some sort of ‘government’ to begin with. Regional analyst Brian Junkie was surprised, “They had what now? Really? Are you...
Footage of a military exercise filmed by Israeli television on Monday shows thousands of soldiers operating hundreds of Iron Dome air defense batteries in an apparent simulated response to an attack by the United States Air Force. “The drill had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the rumor that President Obama threatened to shoot down our planes in 2014. Pure...
Senior members of ISIS convened an emergency meeting in response to the long-awaited naming by the United States of its military mission against the Islamic State. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Martin Dempsey, announced that the US-led effort against ISIS in Iraq and Syria would be called Operation Inherent Resolve, after it was decided that Operation “Oh no,...
Middle East rubberneckers have risen up in revolt on the news that they now have to keep track on what the hell is happening in Yemen on top of everything else. Professor William Lyons, Head of Making Complicated Things Seem Simple, at the University of Birmingham, was visibly shaken. “Shia and Sunni militants ‘clashing’, no problem with that. Easy. But who the hell are ‘Houthis’?...
Marrying the understated decorum of Hollywood and the unvarnished materialism of defeating terrorism through job training, President Obama today unveiled what is being called the ‘Swag Strategy’ against ISIS. “This new program is simple. And it borrows from the great cultural strength that is the Oscars as demonstrated by the $125,000 gift bags handed out to celebrity A-listers. If bombing...
News that US ground forces will be deployed as Iraqi forces inexplicably failed in their duty has caused the website www.weather.com to crash as approximately one million soldiers checked the regional forecast for next week. Likely recipient of another Central Asian campaign medal, Sergeant John Padansky commented, “I guess this time it could be different, I mean we have thrown a...
