War

After Barely Surviving Latest Assassination, Hamas Leader Now Just an Eyeball

After Barely Surviving Latest Assassination, Hamas Leader Now Just an Eyeball

After reports came out that the head of Hamas’ military wing, Mohammed Deif, was still alive and active after a fifth assassination attempt, it was confirmed, that no longer able to take physical form, Deif is now just a large fiery eye ball that sits atop a residential building in Gaza. The Hamas military wing commander was previously confined to...

Suspected Suicide Bomber, Awan Boudi, Captured at McDonald’s
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Suspected Suicide Bomber, Awan Boudi, Captured at McDonald’s

FBI agents swarmed a McDonald’s in Los Angeles and arrested an alleged suicide bomber linked to the Syria-based Nusra Front on Wednesday. The Lebanese daily Al-Pharteen identified the accused martyr in the making as 42-year-old Awan Boudi, a resident of the southern Lebanese village of Jezzine. “The Feds slapped me so hard, they broke my mother’s nose,” Boudi told his court-appointed...

Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?
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Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?

In the now-iconic words of C+C Music Factory, “Things to make you go hmmm”. Part one in an ongoing series. Recently, people have begun wondering where ISIS is buying all those orange jumpsuits. Like, they’ve got to come from somewhere right? Someone is making these things and selling them to ISIS,with full knowledge about what they’re being used for. They couldn’t not...

Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators
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Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators

The tragic death of Grey’s Anatomy Dr. McDreamy has given many Middle Eastern dictators and other head separating organizations pause for thought. “His death just made things so real for me,” said Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, clearly holding back his tears. During his interview, the dictator with over 300,000 deaths on his hands was frantically texting his BFFs the news, most...

Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan
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Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan

Ba’al, the master deity and supreme sky lord of the ancient Near East has decided to re-assert his authority over the peoples of modern day Israel. After retiring to Florida nearly 2,000 years ago, Ba’al has stated that his successors, Yahweh and Allah have “totally fucked shit up,” and have left him with no other choice than to return to...

“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran
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“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran

An Iranian whistle blower, probably working for Mossad, has told The Israeli Daily that the Islamic Republic’s attempts to obtain nuclear power and weapons is just a smokescreen for the nation’s way to pick the next Supreme Nutter. The rules state that budding Ayatollahs and other crazies have to come up with the most outrageous statements without hindering peace talks. The...

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage
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Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Press TV, Iran’s state-run media arm, was the big winner at the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, winning multiple honors for its coverage of Israel’s 50-day war with Gaza last summer. The award for investigative reporting went to the network for its account of Israel’s attempt to take down a commercial airplane leaving Gaza City by releasing hundreds of venomous snakes in...

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo
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Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas has announced an uncharacteristic change in policy. The organization released a statement declaring their usual intent to destroy Israel, but this time, with something a little extra. “The animals living in the Zionist zoo will also be held accountable. They are as guilty of occupying Palestinian land as any big nosed bi-ped. Those meer cats might look cute, but...

ISIS Denies Book Burning

ISIS Denies Book Burning

ISIS has denied that it is burning important books despite reports that it removed some 3,000 titles from the Central Library of Mosul a few months back. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily, the groups head librarian, Mustafa Reida, said that books were removed to make way for new acquisitions. “We recently purchased a large collection of new works and...

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children
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Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children

The Islamic Republic of Iran is following up its signing of a historic framework deal with the West by reaching out to millions of school-aged children to help build the country’s nuclear infrastructure. “We’re street-legal, baby! But now that we’re in the clear, we have to hustle. Once the Western powers discover the plutonium plant we built underneath an ice skating...

ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions
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ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions

Responding to growing public outcry over gender inequality in its work place, ISIS’ leadership has voted to allow women the right to participate in all future hangings, burnings, beheadings, stonings and crucifixions. “Finally, change we can believe in!” exulted Amatullah X. “A woman’s role in establishing a global Islamic empire is no less important than a man’s,” the Jihadist added. Since...

ISIS Begins Broadcasting Executions in Simpsons Style Animation

ISIS Begins Broadcasting Executions in Simpsons Style Animation

With the whirlwind visit of Kim and Kanye in Israel, a possible US-Iran deal, the Russia-Ukraine crisis, and that annoying little problem called Global Warming all currently in full swing, ISIS has responded to being bumped off the trending lists of Google, Twitter and Yahoo! by infusing a dash of color into its normally grainy online offerings: Simpsons yellow, to be precise....

God laughs and makes bad things happen as he proclaims, ‘now you’re all screwed!’

God laughs and makes bad things happen as he proclaims, ‘now you’re all screwed!’

Addressing crowds from the clouds in a loud, booming voice, God, in his most recent address, informed those listening, “You’re all truly screwed!” “Look, people. I’ve told you time and again STOP KILLING EACH OTHER. I created you and I can end you. But did you listen?” “Now I’ve had enough. I’m bringing on the pre-Apocalypse and making shit rain down....

Iron Dome Selfies “not a good idea”
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Iron Dome Selfies “not a good idea”

A startling new report from the Institute of Basic Common Sense, suggests that in general people should use the time given by the warning siren of incoming rockets to seek immediate shelter for themselves and their families. In a move guaranteed to cause controversy it suggests that people using the time to position themselves for the perfect Instagram image are,...

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future
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“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

In statement released by the Prime Minister’s office this week, Times of Israel blogger and part time social-media activist Aharon Landenbaum has “forever changed the course of Israeli history.” Although Landenbaum offered no practical advice, or measures that could be taken to address the issues he raised, his one-time blog was heralded as “perhaps the single greatest intellectual achievement since...

Hamas Set to Lift its Blockade on Israel
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Hamas Set to Lift its Blockade on Israel

As a ceasefire continues to hold between Israel and Hamas in Gaza (one of its beautiful beaches in the image above), Hamas has announced that it will lift its crushing blockade and restrictions on Israeli goods and citizens. The surprise move was meant as a showing of good faith and a peace offering to its Jewish neighbor to the north, east,...

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion
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UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

The UN has announced it will station more people standing around in fetching blue helmets on the Israeli-Lebanese border because, in the words of one spokesman, “things recently got a bit lively”. The UN has been sunbathing at the Syrian-Israeli border for the past 30 years. And have garnered much praise for having kept the peace by a policy of rolling over and...