Politics
Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo
Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President “I’m not really up to speed with the complexities of the situation on the ground but I know that the Israelis can’t keep building settlements that don’t have my name on...
Tlaib’s Grandmother Furious She Must Keep Cooking, Throwing Away Food
While Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib’s on-again off-again plans to visit Israel and the Palestinian territories have roiled the US, the uncertainty has also caused untold aggravation for Tlaib’s grandmother, who has spent the past week cooking for Rashida’s expected visit. After staying up all night cooking Rashida’s favorite dishes earlier this week, Tlaib’s grandmother was forced to feed a week’s worth of maqluba to the neighborhood cats when she learned that Israel had banned her and fellow congresswoman Ilhan Omar from...
Anthony Weiner Distraught He Never Got to Befriend Epstein
Calling the deceased financier a kindred spirit, former US Congressman Anthony Weiner is reportedly distraught that he never got the chance to become friends with Jeffrey Epstein before his death. In a since-deleted Tweet, the disgraced New York politician complained that he was never invited to Epstein’s mansion, let alone his ‘orgy island’ in the Caribbean. While he hoped that this was an oversight, he admitted to being worried that he had done something wrong to not warrant an invite....
Elders of Zion Admit “It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Everyone Realizes, We Killed Jeffrey Epstein”
The Elders of Zion have expressed concern since conspiracy theories started doing the rounds following the apparent suicide of wealthy American financer Jeffrey Epstein “Obviously, such a wealthy well-connected man accused of serious criminal behavior ‘conveniently’ killing himself ahead of a trial which could have implicated other powerful people has lent itself to conspiracy theorists having a field day”, commented one official for the shadowy organization of ugly-nosed lizard people that control the world. “Sure, everyone’s having a good time...
Bronx Zoo to Ban Video Games After Hedgehog Attacks Woman, Steals Rings
The Bronx Zoo announced that it will no longer allow its animals to play video games due to concerns that the games are leading to violent behavior. The decision came after one of the zoo’s hedgehogs attacked a visitor and stole her rings after playing hours upon hours of Sonic the Hedgehog. Just days earlier, an Italian tourist was sent to the hospital after a gorilla struck him with an empty barrel. “We are clearly seeing animals acting out on...
New Report Shows Osama Bin Laden Was Killed in Accidental ‘Swatting’ Attack
Osama bin Laden’s death at the hands of US special forces was actually a freak accident after he was ‘swatted’ during an online gaming competition, a Department of Defense report has revealed. A spokesperson for the DoD confirmed, “The SEAL team located the bin Laden compound and killed the arch terrorist by sheer fluke. It turns out that Mr. Osama was engaged in an online Call of Duty competition under a false name from his bedroom when a rival gamer...
Saudis to Seek US Advice on Getting Enemies to Commit Suicide
Nearly a year after his bungling execution of Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi drew international condemnation, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman is looking to his American allies for help in getting troublesome individuals to commit suicide. Bin Salman’s appeal for help came after billionaire financier and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his Manhattan jail cell after apparently hanging himself. Epstein’s death came amid speculation that he may implicate other powerful figures in the political and business world,...
Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has escalated to new heights with each side accusing the other of misgendering. In a statement released by the Office of the Prime Minister for-Life, Benjamin Netanyahu explained, “We used to be called Palestine, but on the inside, we’ve always been Israel. And so, in 1948 we transitioned. Israel is our gender, which exists on a wide spectrum as you have Israeli-Jews, Israeli-Arabs, and those weirdos with the hats. Misgendering us by using our deadname of ‘Palestine’...
Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria
Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...
ISIS Bans Gun Sales to People Without History of Violence
With the signing of landmark gun control legislation, the Islamic State has banned all gun sales to individuals with no history of violence, domestic abuse or mental illness. “While I believe strongly in the right to bear arms, there are certain people who should simply not own a military-grade weapon,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said as he signed the bill into law. “Too often, people are buying guns and then not using them to commit atrocities.” Baghdadi said that...
Iran Left Off Email Chain Re: Jared Plan for Peace
There have been red faces all-round the US State Department this week as a junior official confirmed that Iran had inadvertently not been included in the recipient list for the Jared Kushner peace plan. The revelation has provided a clear explanation for their recent saber rattling in the Gulf. They just hadn’t been made aware that all the problems had been solved. A spokesman for Mr. Kushner stated, “Well, doesn’t this explain everything? Even the fake news media has had...
South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’
As tensions rise between nuclear-armed neighbours India and Pakistan, many international observers are now starting to term the region as the ‘New Middle East’. The new status comes following India’s controversial decision to change the status of the disputed territory of Kashmir, coupled with Pakistan’s feisty response. “A territorial and religious conflict borne out of colonialism, in an exotic part of the world – that pretty much defines the Middle East as we’ve understood it for decades”, one foreign policy...
ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’
In a move aimed at terrorizing US citizens, the Islamic State has announced a new initiative to sit back and do nothing while Americans slaughter each other in mass shootings. “The whole point of radical Islamic terrorism is to prevent people from gathering at church, in school, at shopping centers, or at bars without the fear of falling victim to an act of senseless violence,” former Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained. “Since there’s not much more we can do on...
Syrian Civil War Ends After Assad Bans Violent Video Games
Taking inspiration from GOP Congressman Kevin McCarthy and US President Donald Trump, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has ended years of violence and civil war by enacting a ban on violent video games. The ban, which came after more than 400,000 Syrian deaths since 2011, has brought peace to the region, as both ISIS and pro-government forces have overcome their violent tendencies. “After hours upon hours of playing Grand Jihad Auto, World of Holy Warcraft, and Jihadi’s Creed, how could I...
US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay
Saying that the threat of additional terrorist attacks justified extraordinary measures, the US has begun holding suspected white supremacists on the island of Gringotanamo Bay off the coast of Cuba. American officials made the decision after a pair of shootings in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas – one of which was believed to be carried out by white supremacists – killed 29 Americans. Almost immediately, white men affiliated with radical groups were rounded up and shipped to the island,...
Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago
Some of the Middle East’s most ardent Jihadists have expressed surprise at the announcement of the death of Hamza bin Laden, the son of 9/11 mastermind Osama, as they had assumed he had been dead for years. “When we’d heard that the Americans had declared Hamza dead, our first question was ‘who’?”, commented one Al Qaeda figure. “It took us a while to work out who they were talking about. Frankly, we hadn’t seen him in years and around these...
Biden’s Faltering Campaign Not Getting Support from Zionist Elders
Former Vice-President Joe Biden’s thus-far underwhelming performance in the Democratic Party’s primaries debates is due in large part to his campaign team’s failure to secure support from the Zionist overlords of Hollywood, the world banking system and the DNC, with of course the exception of #thesquad, who are entirely their own type of annoying. “It’s a classic mistake we’ve seen time and time again”, stated one commentator. “A high-flying candidate with solid credentials making that fatal error of failing to...
Ilhan Omar: Greatest Threats to America Are Racism and the Jews
In response to comments from President Donald Trump urging her and three other freshmen Congressmen to “go back” to their countries, Representative Ilhan Omar called racism and bigotry the biggest threat facing America, along with the Jews. “It is horrifying that in 2019, an elected leader like Donald Trump could question our loyalty to our country based solely on our race and nationality,” Omar said in a press conference. “Besides, it’s the Jews who hate America.” Other far-Left lawmakers, known...
Linda Sarsour to Convert to Judaism After Learning Women and Arabs Serve in Parliament, Supreme Court, and Just About Everywhere Else in Israel
Known for her advocacy on women’s rights, Linda Sarsour has become a major leader in the world of feminism, and not loving Jews as much as their mothers do. However, earlier this week, Ms. Sarsour announced her plan to convert to Judaism. Sarsour told The Mideast Beast that she started thinking about her decision during the Israeli election process. She originally began following the elections on television in order to find criticism of the Jewish State, and also because it...
Trump to Annex Israel as 51st State
In a move the administration is calling “historic,” the Trump administration announced this morning that the United States of America intends on admitting the State of Israel into the Union by May of 2020 as the official the 51st State. “We already give them huge amounts of money each year” Trump said in a tweet following the announcement. “And everyone knows how much I love prime beach front real estate. This is going to be a great, great deal.” The...