Politics
Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced yesterday that Israel will reform Covid-19 stay-in-shelter-orders to allow Muslims to gather in crowded places and pray together. “This reform is the first of its kind in the world” Netanyahu said in a video posted to his Facebook Page. “This move shows once and for all how Israel is a democracy that celebrates religious freedoms and respects minorities. While the Palestinian Authority does not allow Jews to live in our ancient homeland, we encourage...
Yemen Denounces Racism That Has Kept the Country Corona-Free
The novel coronavirus has reached most countries, but a few are still without SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes COVID-19. One of them is Yemen, the poorest Arab country in the world, and one wrecked by years of bloody conflict. “There is no question that we are dealing with an egregious example of the meanest form of racism”, Yemen’s Prime Minister, Maeen Abdulmalik Saeed said. “The coronavirus has spread generously and inclusively across the world, even amongst our closest Arab neighbors,...
Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread
A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be cutting everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to the spread of the novel coronavirus. The plan is part of a few introduced by MBS, who was selected to handle the COVID-19 crisis after years of...
Barghouti: Saving Our Own Asses More Important Than Boycotting Israel
Omar Barghouti, the founder of the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement against Israel (BDS) said on Sunday that if Israel comes up with a vaccine against coronavirus, it will be kosher for boycotters to use it. “Up until now, we have not been in a situation where we need Israel urgently and no one else can save us but Israel”, Barghouti said. “If that will happen, like if Israel finds a cure for cancer, for example, or any other virus,...
Trump Proposes Mass Prescription of Prozac to End Syrian Civil War
After suggesting that the United States start using anti-Malaria medication to treat COVID-19 patients, a confident President Donald Trump, excited by the prospect of solving problems with unproven pills, announced plans to end the Syrian civil war by supplying billions of Prozac pills. Trump made his announcement at a White House press briefing, saying that although they are not sure that Prozac will work to solve the 9 year-old civil war, it is worth doing because “if it does work,...
Concerned about COVID-19 Erdogan Orders Soundproof Masks on Journalists
Concerned about soaring COVID-19 rates in his country, Turkish President and Grand Sultan-wannabe Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, has ordered “all problematic journalists” to don N95 soundproof masks. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, Erdogan noted, “All Turks are very precious to me, especially Turkish journalists who adore me for pampering them with unprecedented freedom. Out of concern for the journalists’ wellbeing in this era of corona, I have ordered soundproof masks to be worn by all uncooperative journalists who risk infecting the...
Saudi Crown Prince Releases COVID-Safe Guidelines on Murdering Political Opponents
In an effort to follow Word Health Organization (WHO) regulations on avoiding close personal contact, especially any exchange of bodily fluids, the Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS), announced today a new set of safety guidelines on how to murder political opponents without contracting the novel coronavirus. The guidelines encourage all contract killers to pause their usual techniques of brutal dismemberment in favor of more sanitary killings that can be done from at least six feet (2 meters) away....
Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa Against Carole Baskin
Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has issued a fatwa, or religious decree, against American animal rights activist Carole Baskin, accusing the big cat enthusiast of killing her husband. “The Quran and many hadiths warn explicitly not to feed your husband to a herd of tigers,” Khamenei exclaimed. “If that infidel Carole Baskin does not repent and accept Allah, I order my faithful followers to bring her to justice by freeing all her cats.” Khamenei’s interest in the case, recently spotlighted...
Bored Quarantined Celebs Work on Middle East Peace Plan
Antonio Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations, delivered breaking news on Friday when he tweeted that Lady Gaga had found the time to talk to him recently about her recent work on peacemaking in the Middle East. “@ladygaga I am so touched that you are spending this moment in your bored #stayathome routine to try and bring peace to the #MiddleEast” tweeted the 70-year old Guterres. “You and your distinguished colleagues are great humanitarians, acting as amazing role models for...
Messiah Cancels Redemptive Arrivals to Holy Land
In a strongly worded official statement in Yiddish to the leaders of ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities, Messiah’s Press Office Spokeswoman announced, “Messiah has decided to place the Holy Land in an unholy quarantine and has cancelled all redemptive arrivals before the year 7255.” The harsh statement from Heaven comes after some ultra-Orthodox Jews have violated corona-related social distancing rules in Israel and in New York. As a result, COVID-19 cases have soared among insular ultra-Orthodox communities in Israel and in NYC....
Iran to Ease Sanctions on US
Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has surprisingly decided to ease the Islamic Republic’s choking sanctions on Washington, which have denied suffering American consumers vital commodities such as Persian rugs made in child factories, Iranian fruits, and crumbling Islamic revolutions. Iran’s softening move comes as the US has quickly emerged as the world’s corona epicenter, with bleak forecasts for the coming weeks. So bleak in fact that Russia is now delivering humanitarian supplies to America. Iran’s cosmopolitan and almost-genuinely smiling foreign...
Middle East Peace at Risk as Jared Distracted by yet Another New Position
News that the President’s son-in-law – and Westworld robot voted “most unconvincing” three years in a row – Jared Kushner, is taking a leading role in the fight against COVID-19 has been met with dismay throughout the Middle East. A Saudi government spokesman commented, “Well what are we going to do now? We were really relying on Mr. Kushner. Who else gave us that combination of bland reassurance, direct access to the clown show, and stood still enough to be...
COVID-19 Death Toll Soars Among Saudi Journalists
Every day brings new information about those who are most at risk of serious complications from the novel coronavirus. This group includes those who are over sixty and anyone with heart, respiratory or immune conditions. Nonetheless, new data, which has been collected at various embassies and consulates, suggests that the group most likely to die from COVID-19 are not in fact the elderly or those with preexisting conditions but rather, Saudi journalists. More disturbing still is the fact that not...
Shocking Israeli Study Finds ‘Being an Idiot’ Increases Chance of Contracting Coronavirus
In a groundbreaking new study, the world-renowned Israeli Institute for Researching Obvious Crap discovered that more people were at a high risk of contracting the novel coronavirus than previously thought. In addition to the traditional risk groups, the study found that “fucking idiots” are at serious risk of catching the virus and spreading it to others. The study showed that a positive correlation between those who had contracted and spread the virus and people who had been born in the...
George Zimmerman Tasked with Enforcing Stay-at-Home Orders
Looking to crack down on citizens violating lockdown orders issued to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus, several US states have hired community watch vigilante George Zimmerman to confront anyone seen in public for non-essential business. “To make sure people are following social distancing guidelines, we have asked Mr. Zimmerman to patrol our streets and to respectfully approach anyone seen out of their house for non-essential business,” California Governor Gavin Newsom announced earlier this week. “If anyone refuses to...
Ultra-Orthodox Jews to Hold Massive Prayer Rallies to Stop Coronavirus
Criticizing their secular counterparts for doing too little to stop the spread of COVID-19, ultra-Orthodox Jews in the US and Israel announced a series of massive prayer rallies to combat the disease. “Just when we need prayer more than ever, many of our fellow Jews have decided that now is the time to stop going to synagogue,” one resident of Bnei Brak, a center of ultra-Orthodox Judaism located just outside Tel Aviv, told The Mideast Beast. “But while they’ve been...
Embracing Social Distancing, Trump to Sell New York City to Iran
President Trump has decided to embrace unconventional social distancing by seeking to sell corona-infested New York City to Iran. A slightly virus-phobic President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast about New York after disinfecting his private phone five times during the seven-minute conversation. “Believe me; nobody exports the coronavirus better than me. Instead of enforcing an expensive quarantine, America will profit from dumping New York City right into the ayatollah’s lap. No New York means no Democrat-driven election pandemic 2020.”...
Trump on ISIS: ‘They’ll Go Away by Summertime”
When asked about the ongoing ISIS presence in Syria, President Trump offered a surprisingly optimistic view of the future. He even went so far as to say that the problem would, like a miracle, get rid of itself by summertime, citing the “beautiful beaches they have over there.” “These guys,” he began, “I mean, they’re tremendous terrorists, really. They’re like the most successful terrorist organization, maybe ever. You think they’re gonna want to spend their summer blowing themselves up for...
European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling
As cities go on lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic, jihadists are increasingly finding themselves out of human targets, and therefore out of jobs. The European Union released a statement about the financial distress that Covid19 is causing terrorists from ISIS to Al Qaeda and Hezbollah: “The European Union is concerned by the shutting down of entire cities, and indeed countries, causing militant Islamists a devastating loss of livelihood. Terrorism as a profession is met with severe discrimination on the...
Obama, Kerry Urge Negotiations with COVID-19
Insisting that the coronavirus is not violent but simply misunderstood, former President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State John Kerry are calling for a negotiated settlement to the COVID-19 crisis. “For months, our refusal to treat this virus as a legitimate and equal party has allowed it to spread unchecked,” said Kerry. “Only by entering negotiations and making a series of significant concessions can we control the further spread of COVID-19. Kerry volunteered to lead the negotiations, and by...