Politics

‘Lesjihadis’ Seize Saudi Embassy, Threaten to Kill Male Hostages

‘Lesjihadis’ Seize Saudi Embassy, Threaten to Kill Male Hostages

BEIRUT – Lesbian terrorists are vowing to execute 34 male diplomats if Saudi Arabia does not grant women and LGBT citizens equal rights, after storming the kingdom’s embassy in the Lebanese capital this morning. Posing as a class of political science college students, dozens of female militants – who smuggled plastic guns in their orifices – seized the compound at 10:15 AM local time. After releasing all women, effeminate men and local cleaning staff, the so-called ‘Al-Kus Brigades’ (Pussy Brigades)...

Mike Pence to Postpone Middle East Trip: “Things Are Getting a Little Too Liberal Over There.”

Mike Pence to Postpone Middle East Trip: “Things Are Getting a Little Too Liberal Over There.”

Vice President Mike Pence has postponed his Middle East tour scheduled for next week. He first cited the GOP Tax Plan as the reason for the delay but later admitted that it was his unhappiness with what he sees as an increasingly ungodly tinge to the region. “Things are just getting a little too liberal over there.” he acknowledged in a TMB interview. “I mean, I’m as progressive as the next guy, but they’ve got women driving cars in Saudi...

ISIS Taps Roy Moore as ‘Global Envoy for Man-Girl Love’

ISIS Taps Roy Moore as ‘Global Envoy for Man-Girl Love’

Accused pedophile Roy Moore has accepted a position as ‘Global Ambassador for Man-Girl Love’ with the terrorist group ISIS, just days after he was defeated in Alabama’s U.S. Senate special election. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, Moore said: “Clearly, America no longer respects biblical precedents of men having romantic relations with girls. Indeed, the Establishment’s satanic embrace of liberal Marxism perverts Scripture, and I am therefore packing it in and moving on to greener pastures.” According to an ISIS press...

Israeli and Palestinian Officials Re-enact ‘The Hangover’ Movies for Peacebuilding Initiative

Israeli and Palestinian Officials Re-enact ‘The Hangover’ Movies for Peacebuilding Initiative

Israeli and Palestinian officials are undertaking new peacebuilding exercises modeled on The Hangover movies as part of a initiative to restart peace talks. “Camp David didn’t produce the breakthrough we wanted. So, we’ve ditched the presidential country retreat and opted for some epic action in Vegas and Bangkok instead. At least when these efforts spectacularly backfire we’ll have had a proper vacation out of it”, said one Israeli official behind the initiative. One commentator has termed the initiative “wildly racist,...

Virgins Hope They Don’t Get Stuck with Loser Times Square Terrorist

Virgins Hope They Don’t Get Stuck with Loser Times Square Terrorist

Virgins across paradise are praying that Akayed Ullah, who set off a pipe bomb strapped to his chest Monday near New York City’s Times Square, survives his wounds and does not become a martyr after his attack failed to kill any infidels. Since Sharia law dictates that anyone who dies fighting for Islam is awarded 72 virgins, Ullah, who pledged allegiance to ISIS, will be entitled his allotment should he succumb to his wounds. Following the pathetic attack, in which...

ISIS Leader Resigns Amid Allegations of Respecting Women

ISIS Leader Resigns Amid Allegations of Respecting Women

ISIS was dealt a crippling political blow on Tuesday when its senior leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, resigned amid numerous allegations of respectful treatment of women. One accuser even described him allowing a female hostage to drive a motor vehicle. Another claimed he was known to not only ask, but to wait for consent before engaging in sexual acts. ISIS issued a rare public comment, saying, “We have a clear moral stance against the fair and dignified treatment of women, and...

Israel to Move Its Embassy from Washington to Mar-A-Lago

Israel to Move Its Embassy from Washington to Mar-A-Lago

In a reciprocal gesture following the US president’s decision to move its embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced that his own country’s US embassy will be moved from Washington DC to Mar-a-Lago. The move will bring Israeli diplomats closer to Donald Trump’s “Winter White House,” a Trump-owned Florida resort where the president enjoys meeting with foreign officials. “Just as Jerusalem is the eternal home of the Jewish people, there is no place that more embodies...

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...

In Response to US-Jerusalem Embassy Decision, ISIS Threatens to Open Embassy in Washington

In Response to US-Jerusalem Embassy Decision, ISIS Threatens to Open Embassy in Washington

Following the White House’s decision to move the US Embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, ISIS has reacted angrily, pledging that it will open embassies “immediately, and in multiple, coordinated locations” in Washington DC. Though ISIS insists any embassy would be solely used for purposes of visa applications, lost passports and hosting the world’s least fun diplomatic parties, the US remains skeptical. This is mainly due to some services to be offered by the embassy including: “pressure cooker repair...

US Embassy Staff Riot Over Move to Jerusalem

US Embassy Staff Riot Over Move to Jerusalem

While US President Donald Trump’s decision to recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s capital has yet to ignite the Middle East, the decision has led to protests from embassy staff who complained they had spent months perfecting their “beach bods” for nothing. “[US Secretary of State Rex] Tillerson told me if I went to Israel, I’d be on the beach every day,” (< yup, watch the vid), said one masked embassy official, referring the embassy’s current location on the shore of the...

In Compromise, US Embassy Moves From Tel Aviv to Cyprus

In Compromise, US Embassy Moves From Tel Aviv to Cyprus

In a decision which has thus far pleased absolutely nobody, the United States has moved its embassy from Tel Aviv to Cyprus in what American officials termed “the best compromise we could come up with.” “For decades now, we’ve been telling the Israelis that we’re going to move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem”, explained one official. “President Trump didn’t seem to realize that this is just the kind of thing we say but don’t really mean. Like when...

Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’

Saudi Mideast Peace Plan Gives Palestinians State in ‘The Sims’

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and US Mideast envoy Jared Kushner have reached an agreement to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, with Israel keeping all its settlement blocs and the Palestinians receiving an independent state in ‘The Sims’ videogame. The deal, according to sources close to the prince, would see Jerusalem recognized as Israel’s capital, all settlements in the West Bank annexed and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu named as Grand Mufti. The Palestinians, meanwhile, would be awarded sovereignty in...

Trump Signs Waiver to Move US Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, New York

Trump Signs Waiver to Move US Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, New York

WASHINGTON, D.C – The Trump Administration has been weighing the possibility of moving the US embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to the contested capital of West Jerusalem for some time. However, it now seems President Trump has sidestepped his advisors and signed a waiver which will functionally move the embassy from Tel Aviv to the small town of Jerusalem in Yates County, New York. Sources confirm that Trump was under the impression that West Jerusalem referred to a town...

ISIS Leader on Matt Lauer’s Firing: Seriously, What the Fuck Is Wrong with You People?

ISIS Leader on Matt Lauer’s Firing: Seriously, What the Fuck Is Wrong with You People?

In an interview with The Mideast Beast, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi reacted with shock at the sudden firing of the Today Show anchor Matt Lauer, after allegations of sexual harassment surfaced from multiple employees. Details have emerged that the beloved balding morning show host gave a sex toy to a co-worker as a present along with an illicit note, as well as having a button under his desk that automatically locked his office doors. The leader of the international...

Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down

Trump Drinks Poison After His Twitter Account is Shut Down

Declaring that he would rather die than see his followers forced to live without his enlightening tweets, US President Donald Trump swallowed a small vile of poison after learning his Twitter account had been deactivated. Trump’s dramatic action took place after the president was rebuked for retweeting anti-Muslim videos posted by a right-wing British activist. When he was unable to login to Twitter, he assumed that the site had once again shut him out, though he later discovered that he...

Journalists to Use Only Made-up Words When reporting stories in Isradooble and West-Shimysham

Journalists to Use Only Made-up Words When reporting stories in Isradooble and West-Shimysham

JERUBBLE TOWN – Journalists have announced that from now on when reporting on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict they will use only made-up words. A CNN journalist explained, “There aren’t any words we can use that won’t offend one side or the other. Call it ‘the security wall’, the BDS-ers whine that we’re undermining the Palestinians. Mention the word ‘occupation’ and the Hasbara trolls come out of the wood work screaming about ‘internationally disputed territory,’ ugh. So, we’ve decided to just make up...

Following Egypt Mosque Attack, Internet Flooded with Outpouring of Support, Personal Reflections

Following Egypt Mosque Attack, Internet Flooded with Outpouring of Support, Personal Reflections

In the wake of an attack on a mosque in Egypt’s Sinai Peninsula by ISIS militants which killed 305 people, the internet community has expressed absolute shock and horror, and individuals around the world have begun to reflect on the fragility of their own lives and those of their friends and family. According to data provided by Twitter, over 30 million people have shared the trending hashtag #StandWithEgypt, and in figures provided by Facebook, no fewer than three million users...

Palestinian President Abbas finds himself in Machu Picchu

Palestinian President Abbas finds himself in Machu Picchu

The President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, is giving himself a “well-deserved break” according to officials and is hiking in the Peruvian mountains around the famous tourist attraction and Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. “I just needed to find myself, man”, Mahmoud Abbas said in a statement. “Like, so much war and bloodshed at home. Why? Like, we’re all human. What even is Palestine? What even is Israel? And who am I? All I know is that my spirit animal...

Global Disappointment as Trump Appears Capable of Writing 280 Character Tweets

Global Disappointment as Trump Appears Capable of Writing 280 Character Tweets

Despite criticism of Twitter’s decision to double their character limit, there was also widespread hope that 280 characters would be too much for President Trump. Despite declaring himself as having “the best words”, Trump is noted for having a short attention span and being particularly inarticulate, leading many to believe that 280 whole characters might be a stretch too far for the leader of the free world. However, there has been a near-universal disappointment and some surprise at Trump’s ability...

ISIS to Suspend UK Attacks to Honor Prince Harry’s Engagement

ISIS to Suspend UK Attacks to Honor Prince Harry’s Engagement

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has revealed that his organization will suspend all planned attacks on the UK to honor Prince Harry’s engagement to his new fiancée , American actress Meghan Markle. “Monarchy is so irrational, but I can’t help but buy into it. The castles, the crowns, the princesses. I just love it. When it comes to the British royal family, we’re fan-boys,” al-Baghdadi giggled. “Maybe it’s because it reminds us of absolutism,” he pondered. “I sent them a...