Politics
US to Attempt ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ in the Middle East
Noting that every action the US has taken in the Middle East for roughly seven decades has been wrong, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has adopted the ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ of doing the opposite of policymakers’ instincts. “Every decision we have made – who to bomb, where to invade, who to ally with – has gone disastrously wrong,” Pompeo explained. “We counted on the Shah of Iran to stay in power, we threw our weight behind the Oslo Peace Process,...
Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special
Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. Shortly after the accusation was published in The New York Times, several Democratic presidential candidates released statements calling for Kavanaugh’s impeachment and arrest. “Brett Kavanaugh’s...
ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels
Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing them with fruity vapes. In this new operation, code named, Jihadist Ultimate Undoing of Lungs (JUUL), the insurgency group will be able...
John Bolton Joins Hamas
Former National Security Advisor, John Bolton, is understood to have joined Hamas early today. A press release from the organisation stated; “We’ve kept our eye on Mr. Bolton for a long time now and we were excited to hear he had been released from his contract by the Trump administration. We’ve been big fans since his enthusiasm for the Iraq war, well let’s face it any kind of war. I think it’s fair to say that we and many organizations...
Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out
Yesterday, Israeli agents joined the world in commemorating the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 18 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us to not only call but ensure that 4,000 Jews did not go to work that fateful morning. I remember how complex it was to both rig the towers for...
Assad to Send Humanitarian Aid to Bahamas
Calling it a “humanitarian crisis that even we can’t ignore,” Syrian president Bashar al-Assad announced this past Thursday that Syria will be sending humanitarian aid to the Bahamas in the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian. The move comes after the massive storm wreaked havoc on the island chain, destroying homes and infrastructure, leaving over 10,000 people homeless. “There is a humanitarian crisis in the Bahamas right now,” Assad said when announcing the move, “I cannot live with myself knowing that innocent...
New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success
Not content with the awe that the unveiling of his first stab at a peace plan created, Jared Kushner (The Trump son-in-law voted most likely to be a real, live boy) has released an expansion of the plan. “You have to appreciate that the modern Middle East is really just a lot of lines on a map drawn in by Westerners,” he commented. “And well, if recent events have taught me anything, it’s that the Trump family loves doodling on...
UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien
The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was a Friday night and they were Ambien firing.” The council also defended...
Nukes Needed to Counter Pesky Journalists, Erdogan Claims
Claiming that he could not continue to defend his country from aggressive reporting with conventional weapons alone, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan hinted that he may begin developing nuclear arms for his war on the country’s press. “Every other developed nation in the world has nuclear weapons,” Erdoğan said. “But we are left to battle hostile reporters with guns, knives, chainsaws, choke pears, racks, flamethrowers, iron maidens, and hot pokers.” While Turkey has become one of the world’s most prolific...
Assad Debuts Pumpkin Spice Poison Gas for Autumn
Looking to add a seasonal flavor to his war crimes, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will begin using pumpkin spice poison gas after Labor Day. “As a gift to the Syrian people, civilians hit with sarin, chlorine, sulfur and mustard gas this fall will detect a hint of sweet pumpkin,” Assad said in a public statement. “What better way to welcome the new season than to take in the scent of pumpkin spice with your last breaths?” Assad...
Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli
In a snub that has inserted politics into the world’s most popular film genre, Egyptian porn star Muhammed al-Qadibi walked off the set following a scene with an Israeli co-star before the money shot. The act was seen across the adult film world as a serious violation of industry etiquette, as co-stars are always expected to follow each scene with a money shot regardless of one another’s nationality. Al-Qadibi, however, insisted that he would not legitimize Israel’s existence by ejaculating...
Americans Finally Accept Islam After Learning Muslim Politicians Also Lie, Cheat
In a major breakthrough, a large majority of Americans are now comfortable with Muslims in public life after learning that Muslim politicians also pretend to be devout while cheating on their spouse with a colleague. The shift in public opinion occurred after Ilhan Omar, the first Muslim Congresswoman to wear a headscarf, was accused of cheating on her husband with a married political strategist who had worked on her campaign. Voters said that they were greatly relieved to learn that...
IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time
Beqaa Valley, Lebanon — The Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and Hezbollah have been forced to admit their highly publicized conflict has in fact been a total fraud. An IDF spokesman confirmed, “Yep, the jig is up. The dummy soldiers spotted this week are really just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the last decades of conflict have been faked through a cunning combination of the effects team from Industrial Light and Magic, truckloads of fireworks, and of course all...
Sanders Praises Yemen for Lack of Millionaires and Billionaires
Calling the war-torn country a model for the US in combating inequality, US Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders effusively praised Yemen for having very few millionaires and billionaires. “In America, supposedly the greatest country in the world, there are thousands of millionaires and billionaires walking around freely, hogging all the wealth,” Sanders told reporters during a trip to the country. “Meanwhile, I have been in Yemen for days and have yet to see a millionaire or a billionaire. Talk...
Trump and Zarif Hammer Back Late-Night Drinks
Following the Group of Seven summit held in Biarritz, France, President Donald Trump and Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Zarif were caught taking shots at a local pub. The members of the summit, the world’s seven economically robust countries, were taken by surprise when Zarif attended as a special guest of French president Emmanuel Macron. During the first evening of the conference, however, while most delegates were asleep in their hotel, Trump and Zarif were caught ditching their security and running...
Iran Claims It Needs Nuclear Weapons to Fight Hurricanes
Following news that President Donald Trump had suggested using nuclear bombs to stop hurricanes from hitting the US, the Iranian regime is now insisting that its nuclear weapons program is in fact aimed at protecting the country from severe weather events. “We said all along that our nuclear program was peaceful,” Iranian President Hassan Rouhani told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, we were planning on building a nuclear bomb all along, but not to nuke the US or Israel. We just...
Imitating Bolsonaro, Al Qaeda Tries to Burn Down Arabian Desert
Envious that so much of the world’s anger has been directed towards Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro over fires in the Amazon Rainforest, al Qaeda has ordered its warriors to burn down the Middle East’s preeminent ecosystem, the Arabian Desert. Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said in an internal memo that he hopes raging fires across the Arabian Peninsula will inspire the same type of outcry that the flames in the Amazon have, putting the terror group back in the spotlight....
ISIS Takes Responsibility for Amazon Fires
Calling it one of their greatest attacks, ISIS claimed responsibility (as usual) for the forest fires that are wreaking havoc across the Amazon rainforest. “Today, the caliphate celebrates a great victory over the world,” former Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi announced in a live broadcast Thursday morning. “We can attack New York, Paris, and even Bowling Green as our al-Qaeda brothers have done..but today we celebrate victory over the whole world!” Over the past several days, many news sources have taken...
Israel Picks Salman of Saudi Arabia as New King
Following high-level negotiations between Jerusalem and Riyadh, it has been confirmed that King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques will be adding Israel to his portfolio later this year. The decision was made following concern that President Donald Trump might actually proclaim himself regent with a view to turning the Golan Heights into a giant golf course and proclaim Gal Gadot his queen. A spokesman for the Jews commented, “Don’t get us wrong, we’re grateful...
Jewish Democrats Pledge Support for Trump to Prove Loyalty
In the wake of President Trump’s latest statements regarding the Jews and Israel, many Jewish Democrats across the United States have taken to social media to pledge their full support to the President and his administration. “If you want to vote Democrat, you are being very disloyal to Jewish people and very disloyal to Israel,” the President said. “It’s almost as bad as a Mexican voting Republican. Stupid!” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who has claimed in the past to have Jewish heritage,...