Monday’s raid on the Mar-A-Lago home of former US President Donald J. Trump has produced “indisputable proof” that the former president has for years been covering up his receding hairline, senior FBI officials confirmed. Federal officials took the dramatic step after receiving an anonymous tip that, despite the appearance of a full head of hair, Trump is in fact completely...
After Russian President Vladimir Putin announced an end to his country’s ‘denazification operations’ in Ukraine, despite continual bombings of civilian areas, the Russian strongman has reportedly asked former U.S. President George W. Bush to lend him the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner Bush once displayed during a 2003 speech announcing the end of major combat operations in Iraq. “With our mission in...
Taking a page from US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s playbook, former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu now blames strong sexual attraction from fellow creepy weirdo members of the Knesset for his failure to form a government last year. Netanyahu says that nearly all lawmakers believed he was the best choice to lead the Jewish State for another term but were so...
After eight years languishing in the number two spot, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad proudly reclaimed the title of “world’s worst leader” on New Year’s Day when New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio officially left office. Assad had held the title from 2011 to 2014 after launching a relentless campaign against Syrian civilians, as his nation descended into civil war....
A backlog at the Port of Los Angeles threatened Christmas for millions of American children, as Santa Claus and his reindeer were stuck at the LA shipping docks due to the supply chain crisis. Now, experts say, Santa might not make it into every home until as late as April, meaning millions of children will be without their toys until...
President Joe Biden has once again been accused of plagiarism, with accusations this time centering on a speech encouraging Covid-19 vaccines which ISIS leaders say was lifted nearly verbatim from the group’s former Caliph. The speech, which had already drawn criticism from conservatives for its dark message, touted the efficacies of vaccines but carried a stern message for those who...
Calling the central figure of Christianity “really overrated” and “frankly not that tough,” US President Donald Trump bragged that it took him less time to recover from Covid-19 than it took Jesus to rise from the dead. “Everyone makes a big deal about this Jesus guy. ‘Oh, Jesus is so brave because he rose from the dead.’ Sure, but it...
Looking to right the country’s economic ship amidst a falling lira and high unemployment, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced that he has named rapper Curtis Jackson, better known as 50 Cent, as the country’s new finance minister. The appointment came as a surprise to many in the international community given Jackson’s public struggles to maintain his own finances. Jackson...
The Mideast Beast, among other reputable news outlets, are asking, “If this happened last year on New Year’s Eve, what the hell’s coming at midnight 2022? JERUSALEM – Not long after painting Egypt’s pyramids of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In...
A new study from the Iranian Institute for the Advancement of anti-Semitism revealed that it’s the worst time in history to be an anti-Semite. The study showed that, since the inception of the Jewish state, it has become increasingly more difficult for assholes to persecute the Jews. When they started, the researchers said they hoped to show that persecuting Jews...
The “Jewish Question” is a lot like the Kardashians – a lot of people have tried to understand what all the fuss is about, but no one seems to have a 100% convincing explanation. Recently however, the United Nations tasked a commission with finally answering the question of “where all these damn Jews are coming from, and where do they belong?” ...
As the U.S. wraps up 2021 with an impressive 640 mass shootings, some Middle Eastern leaders, horrified at the violence, are considering a full embargo on guns. Saying that he could only stomach so much violence, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly ready to ban assault rifles like the AR-15 and even semi-automatic pistols, such as Glocks. “After seeing four...
The two Nigerian men who attacked Jussie Smollett in January of 2019 claimed to be princes in their home country and promised Smollett more than $3 million if he let them beat him up, the actor now claims. Smollett said that his correspondence with the brothers began in 2018, when they e-mailed him out of the blue informing him that...
Facing increasing intransigence from the Islamic Republic in its pursuit of nuclear weapons, President Joe Biden is considering his own nuclear option. If Iran continues to accelerate its nuclear weapons program and refuses to honor previously made commitments, Biden says he will ask Major League Baseball not to hold the 2022 All-Star Game in Tehran. “Listen, I’ve lost my patience...
THE INTERNET — On Thursday evening The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with Dr. Omer Rashida-Cortez, Director of the Anti-Israel Addicts Anonymous group, who has developed a 12-step program not just for “Israel = apartheid” addicts but specifically tailored for addicts who get every. fucking. thing. wrong. about Israel. Rashida-Cortez noted, “At least drunks can be fun and...
A little-known Islamic State offshoot known as the “Jihad Squad” announced that it is suing several progressive members of the US Congress after learning that they are also known by the moniker. Representatives Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez were all named in the lawsuit, as the terror offshoot from Pakistan’s Baluchi region claimed that the radical Congresswomen have...
President Biden and Iranian negotiators have reached a major breakthrough in talks to curb Iran’s push towards a nuclear weapon, as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has agreed to add his pronouns to his Twitter bio. The agreement came after weeks of shuttle diplomacy, with Biden touting the deal as a significant step towards “peace in our time.” “This concession by Mr....
Ahead of renewed nuclear talks with Western powers, Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei praised President Biden as “our favorite Thanksgiving Turkey.” Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast about his dream of making the world a better place. “We ayatollahs love Thanksgiving and want to thank the United States of America for our favorite turkey: Joe Biden. The White House dude...
Looking to re-enter relevance in the United States, the Islamic State terrorist group announced that it plans to commit the most horrific crime known to man: crossing state lines. ISIS leaders said they were unaware that traveling from one state to the other was such a heinous offense until they saw scores of journalists, activists, and celebrities calling for Kyle...
Calling the outcome a “tool of white supremacy and oppression,” the American Civil Liberties Union has called for an end to verdicts of “not guilty” in criminal trials. The ACLU’s statement came following the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, who shot three men during a riot in Kenosha, Wisconsin last summer. The ACLU said that the trial had exposed a fatal...
