In what the Biden administration and many on the Left are touting as a victory, the Chinese government has agreed to reduce CO2 emissions by 40% by the year 2030. All they asked in return was that they be permitted to continue their ongoing genocide against the Uyghur population in the “autonomous” province of Xinjiang, Western media outlets, such as...
With President Joe Biden promising to withdraw all American troops from Afghanistan in September, Taliban officials say they plan to lay down their arms and accept Western democracy instead of waiting an additional five months to retake the country. “If America left today, we would happily overrun the Afghan government and institute stringent Sharia Law,” Taliban leader Mawlawi Hibatullah Akhundzada...
An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Monday evening on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating...
A new PR campaign celebrating the ingenuity and modernity of Saudi Arabia is bragging about its strict Islamic laws, which have required women to cover their faces for decades before Covid-19. “For so many years the West gave us shit for making women cover up, now all of these liberal U.S. governors are forcing even men to do the same,”...
Upholding a campaign promise to end a war that has already lasted nearly two decades, President Joe Biden announced that he will pull all US troops from Afghanistan by September 11, 3001. Biden said he chose the date because it will mark the millennial anniversary of al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. “There are some people...
Despite the ongoing pandemic, Gay Pride marches are set to take place around the globe in just over a month and a half. However, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast...
Following the successful launch and landing of his SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket last month, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the entire Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing...
Promising to “bring democracy” to the Eastern European nation, President Joe Biden has launched an all-out invasion of the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. The invasion was initiated in response to a series of voting reforms enacted by the US state of Georgia, though sources close to the president said it was unclear whether he understood that the two entities...
Following in the footsteps of boutique gyms like Barry’s Bootcamp and SoulCycle who are charging upwards of $30 for daily at-home workouts, Hamas has created its own series of Zoom classes for followers who want to exercise hate from the comfort of their living rooms. Although nothing can truly compare to the in-person experience of building fire-and-forget rockets with your...
A new report from heaven indicates that the inter-religious council of Gods will be announcing today a decrease in virgins per Muslim from 72 to 4. The move was adopted out of fears that large gatherings will lead to another wave of Covid-19. The move comes after the council rejected plans by the Abrahamic Gods to save the population by...
With the coronavirus vaccines being administered worldwide, as well as the “it came from a China lab” conspiracy already being debunked, the World Health Organization (WHO) now says it is safe for the public to once again eat bats in moderation. “The past year and a half was a difficult time for citizens across the globe, as the coronavirus pandemic...
President Joe Biden has begun building bipartisan support for his infrastructure plan after the administration clarified to Republicans that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” is included in his expansive definition of infrastructure. Republicans initially vowed to oppose the more than $2 trillion proposal, arguing that it included mostly non-infrastructure spending. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s reinforced this perception when she...
In a move that experts say will end Turkish democracy once and for all, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has copied controversial voting laws from the US state of Georgia and enacted them across his Republic. Voters in Turkish elections will now need to show a photo ID in order to cast a ballot and will have a mere 17-day...
With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...
Major League Baseball finally has a new site for its 2021 All-Star Game after the event was pulled from Georgia over its recently passed voting reform. The game will now be held in the Xinjiang Province of China, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred announced. Manfred said he made the decision after speaking to Bob Chapek, whose company pulled out of Georgia...
In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and men alone,” Crown Prince Mohammed...
After signing landmark legislation legalizing marijuana in the state, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is urging New Yorkers to get so stoned that they forget about all the state’s political developments this year. “After a year like 2020, it is important that New Yorkers take some time to enjoy the strongest, and most memory-erasing, strain of cannabis known to man,”...
In an unprecedented historical decision, US President Joe Biden issued a ‘Postmortem Pardon’ for al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. This comes a week after an Atlanta police officer excused the attacks on Asian businesses by saying the suspect “was having a bad day“. “Listen here jack,” said Biden responding to a female reporter’s question. “The people of Georgia delivered...
Members of the Islamic State used insensitive terminology during a recent Zoom call, New York Times technology reporter Taylor Lorenz revealed after obtaining a fake identity and accessing the virtual meeting. Lorenz reported that ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi used the “b-slur” – a reference to people with visual impairments – when stating that the West is “completely blind to...
Former US President Donald J. Trump issued a statement this week taking credit for freeing Ever Given, the cargo ship that had been wedged across the Suez Canal last week. “I hope everyone remembers while benefiting from global trade that if I wasn’t President, they would not be participating in such a beautiful shipping process, at least for 500 years,”...
