Politics

Stacey Abrams Declares Self Israeli Prime Minister
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Stacey Abrams Declares Self Israeli Prime Minister

With Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu failing to form his right-wing government, former Georgia state legislator Stacey Abrams has declared herself the new premiere and has started to form her cabinet. Abrams, who was not on any ballot and has never been to Israel, insisted that she would have been unanimously elected if not for blatant voter suppression. “These Israelis...

US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is
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US Supreme Court to Decide Where Jerusalem Is

JERUSALEM — Officials in Jerusalem say the city is in the midst of an existential crisis. Not because of former US President Trump’s decision to move the US embassy, or the recent violent clashes in the Old City over the weekend, or the crazy foreigners who dress like Jesus and roam the streets. Rather, they found out that it will...

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide
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Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide

Following President Biden’s recognition and condemnation of the 100-year-old genocide, former US President Donald Trump took to the internet to insist that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump wrote on his new website. “Not all the Ottomans who...

American Podcaster Jailed After Saying AOC was “Not his Favorite”
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American Podcaster Jailed After Saying AOC was “Not his Favorite”

A well-known podcaster has been arrested after allegedly threatening the controversial U.S. congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) on Twitter. Two hours after tweeting that AOC was “not his favorite person” due to her comments (and comparisons) on the Israel-Palestine conflict, podcaster Jacob Barns was arrested by plainclothes agents working for the Bureau for the Investigation of Trash-Talking, Curse Words and...

Vaccinated Astronauts Alone in Outer Space Can Remove Masks, CDC Says
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Vaccinated Astronauts Alone in Outer Space Can Remove Masks, CDC Says

Following Fox News’ conservative host Tucker Carlson’s controversial comments on wearing masks, the Centers for Disease Control aimed to strike a balance and has relaxed its restrictions for vaccinated Americans. The CDC now says that those who are fully vaccinated can remove their masks, as long as they are astronauts who are at least 250 miles above the Earth’s surface...

Kerry Reveals to Iranians that ‘Israeli Salad’ Just Tomatoes and Cucumbers
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Kerry Reveals to Iranians that ‘Israeli Salad’ Just Tomatoes and Cucumbers

In another shocking breach of Israel’s national security, leaked audio reveals that former US Secretary of State John Kerry revealed to high-ranking Iranian security officials that the famous “Israeli Salad” is nothing more than chopped cucumbers and tomatoes with a little bit of red onion and lemon juice. “You know, for years I’ve been hearing about how great this ‘Israeli...

Jewish Extremists Were Really Yelling “Death to Ahab” in Reference to Moby Dick
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Jewish Extremists Were Really Yelling “Death to Ahab” in Reference to Moby Dick

In a shocking defense tactic for the Jewish extremist group, Lehava, who stormed Palestinian neighborhoods in East Jerusalem last weekend, the leaders of the attacks are claiming that contrary to popular belief they were not shouting “Death to Arabs,” but in fact were shouting “Death to Ahab,” after reading Moby Dick and watching the hit Netflix Documentary Seaspiracy in one...

Confused Biden Mistakenly Recognizes Armadillo Genocide
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Confused Biden Mistakenly Recognizes Armadillo Genocide

After preparing to make history with his recognition of the Armenian genocide, US President Joe Biden appeared to draw a blank when trying to remember the name of the national group and instead marked the anniversary of the “Armadillo genocide.” “Today, we must keep the memory of those who died in the genocide of the, uh, Armanis? No, that’s not...

Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’
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Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’

Following a successful vaccine rollout, Israel is finally beginning to reopen and ‘get back to normal’. At the same time, the state is attempting to maintain a balance to stave off future lockdowns. While many countries across the globe struggle to create a new social contract for our collective new reality, it seems Israel has a blueprint at hand. “We...

Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It
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Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It

Israel’s High Court has declared annexation of the West Bank as ‘unconstitutional’, thus potentially putting a stopper in Netanyahu’s despotic pursuits. However, never one to be deterred by minor rules, such as international law, the Prime Minister took a bold stance against the ruling, claiming that annexation is not “illegal”, it’s merely “socially distant from the law”. Much like his...

‘We’ll Probably Get Sick of Islamic Extremism in Five Months,’ Taliban Admit
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‘We’ll Probably Get Sick of Islamic Extremism in Five Months,’ Taliban Admit

With President Joe Biden promising to withdraw all American troops from Afghanistan in September, Taliban officials say they plan to lay down their arms and accept Western democracy instead of waiting an additional five months to retake the country. “If America left today, we would happily overrun the Afghan government and institute stringent Sharia Law,” Taliban leader Mawlawi Hibatullah Akhundzada...

‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining
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‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining

An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Monday evening on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating...

Biden Promises to Leave Afghanistan by September 11, 3001
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Biden Promises to Leave Afghanistan by September 11, 3001

Upholding a campaign promise to end a war that has already lasted nearly two decades, President Joe Biden announced that he will pull all US troops from Afghanistan by September 11, 3001. Biden said he chose the date because it will mark the millennial anniversary of al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. “There are some people...

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World
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Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

Despite the ongoing pandemic, Gay Pride marches are set to take place around the globe in just over a month and a half. However, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast...

Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars
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Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars

Following the successful launch and landing of his SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket last month, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the entire Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing...

Biden Orders Invasion of Republic of Georgia over New Voting Laws

Biden Orders Invasion of Republic of Georgia over New Voting Laws

Promising to “bring democracy” to the Eastern European nation, President Joe Biden has launched an all-out invasion of the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. The invasion was initiated in response to a series of voting reforms enacted by the US state of Georgia, though sources close to the president said it was unclear whether he understood that the two entities...

Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home
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Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home

Following in the footsteps of boutique gyms like Barry’s Bootcamp and SoulCycle who are charging upwards of $30 for daily at-home workouts, Hamas has created its own series of Zoom classes for followers who want to exercise hate from the comfort of their living rooms. Although nothing can truly compare to the in-person experience of building fire-and-forget rockets with your...