Politics
Trump Says: No Other President Has Done More to Improve US Relations with God
An Iranian cleric in the Iranian city of Qom, where there has been an outbreak of the coronavirus, has accused President Donald Trump of “targeting” the city with the virus as part of the president’s earlier threat to strike at Iranian cultural sites. “The enemy wants to instill fear in people’s hearts and make Qom look like an unsafe city and to take revenge for all its defeats,” said Hojjat ol-Eslam Seyyed Mohammad Saeedi, the Friday Prayer Imam and Custodian...
ISIS Can’t Understand Why Sanders Hasn’t Praised It Yet
Pointing to the Vermont senator’s support for dictatorships in Cuba, Nicaragua, and the Soviet Union, leaders of the Islamic State are bewildered that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has not yet said anything good about its caliphate. “He lavished praise on Fidel Castro, Daniel Ortega, heck, even Stalin. What do these brutal dictators have that we don’t?” ISIS leader Amir Mohammad al-Salbi pleaded. “He said that Castro’s authoritarianism was okay because he had a literacy program and provided everyone free...
Iran Offers Fresh Election Advice to Democrats Who Want to Get Rid of Bernie Sanders
Following Bernie Sanders’ victory in Nevada, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has offered – once again – his election expertise to the Democratic Party. “I know a thing or two about getting rid of unwanted candidates and so it is only natural that I should be reaching out to my good friends in the Democratic Party, who are now faced with a frontrunner that so many of them would like to dispose of,” the ayatollah told The Mideast Beast....
Jared Kushner Offers Sanders Campaign His Middle East Peace Plan
Presidential special advisor and cut-price WestWorld robot, Jared Kushner, has offered the Bernie Sanders campaign a copy of his latest peace plan in case the ‘Democrat’ wins power. Mr. Kushner was encouraged to ‘hedge his bets’ upon realizing the document would only need minor changes to make it palatable to Senator Sanders. A spokesman for the third most lifelike member of the Trump inner circle commented, “It turns out to be surprisingly easy to adapt the plan. We just needed...
New York Times Defends Publishing Terrorist Op-ed: He’s no Bret Stephens
The New York Times (NYT) is receiving criticism after it published an op-ed penned by Taliban leader Sirajuddin Haqqani last week. The editorial board is standing by their decision though as giving a voice to a new and controversial opinion but also because they had empty column space and “Tom Friedman is only good for so much gibberish per week”. The Times has regularly come under fire for publishing opinion pieces by enemies of the United States, and Tom Friedman,...
Palestinian Authority and Israel Offer Couples Therapy to Democrats and Republicans
Concerned about increased divisions in American society, the Palestinian National Authority (PNA) and Israel are offering couples therapy to frustrated Democrats and Republicans, who cannot peacefully coexist. Mahmoud Abbas, the 15-year unofficial, unelected President of the State of Palestine, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “I am worried about the toxic intifada atmosphere in America. I can totally relate to people who dream about blowing up Trump Tower and moving the US Jerusalem Embassy debris to the Mediterranean Sea. However, that...
Hezbollah Offers Bloomberg Easier Route to Suicide
Hezbollah commanders have reached out to Mr. Bloomberg’s people this week, following his Democratic debate appearance, to offer tips on a faster route to martyrdom. A spokesman for the self-immolation experts commented, “Dear god, that was the worst performance we’ve seen since the Iraqi army in 1991. At least those guys knew when to run away. If his plan was to die on camera, then frankly we’re upset he didn’t reach out to us. It’s kinda of our thing. And...
PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects
The PLO movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ shocked the movie industry by winning the Oscar for “Best Fake News Special Effects.” CNN, which was involved in the PLO movie project, won the Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor.” An impressed Steven Spielberg told The Mideast Beast: “I’ve done ‘Jaws’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ but nobody beats PLO in staging massacres and faking ancient civilizations. Infidelity-friendly Hollywood infidels can learn a great deal from Jihad-friendly Pallywood.” Self-described progressive singer turned Middle East expert John Legend...
Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business
The Mideast Beast is announcing several cutbacks following the continued buffoonery of President Donald Trump. Although the President has condemned the publication as “fake, maybe even the fakest news”, it was not his censure, but his actions, which have led to the dramatic restructuring at The Mideast Beast. Senior Researcher at the Washington Institute of Funny Shit on the Internet, Dr. Fanny Josiah, stated in a research report that The Mideast Beast has got off lightly, as satirists worldwide have...
‘Years as Hamas Prisoner Prepared Me for Marriage,’ Gilad Shalit Says
In an exclusive interview, the most famous former Hamas captive Gilad Shalit said the five years he spent as a prisoner has prepared him for his upcoming marriage. “A lot of men head into marriage not knowing what it’s like to lose all your freedoms, to have to beg for food, to be lucky if you’re allowed to use the bathroom,” Shalit, who recently announced his engagement to girlfriend Nitzan Shabbat, told The Mideast Beast. “For me, none of this...
Online Study: Anti-Semitism OK as Long as Each Post Starts, Ends With ‘I’m Not Anti-Semitic but…’
A groundbreaking new study about social media has concluded that as long as you begin your posts with “I’m not anti-Semitic or anything but…”, you are free to post whatever you want about Jews or Israel. One of the lead researchers involved in the study, Dr. Shlomi Goldstein, explained that the study originally started as an examination on the spread of hate online. “We also found that content cannot be anti-Semitic if it mentions Israel,” Goldstein said. “So if you...
Bloomberg Loses Youth Vote After He Forgets to Buy Ads on The Mideast Beast
Former mayor and Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has seen his support among young voters plummet despite millions in new media advertising after the billionaire neglected to promote a single post on The Mideast Beast, a popular political satire news site. The Bloomberg campaign made headlines by sponsoring content on several popular social media accounts in an effort to reach millennial voters. Experts say the strategy would have worked, virtually assuring him the presidency, had he not overlooked the most...
BDS Supporters Accidently Cheer Israeli-Ethiopian Soldier Beating-up Palestinian Teen
A video of a dark skinned, plain-clothed Israeli soldier brutally punching a pale, red-haired Palestinian teen was captured by a passerby, yesterday, in East Jerusalem, near a demonstration against the so-called “Deal of the Century.” The video was widely circulated on the web, confusing Americans with strong feelings and little knowledge of the Middle East conflict. “This is an expected response to the white supremacist Israeli state,” said Shaun King, a leading voice on police brutality in the US, in...
Valentine’s Day Celebration as Hamas Floats Heart Shaped Balloons Filled with Explosives into Israel
Hamas decided to celebrate Valentine’s day this year by sending over heart-shaped balloons into Israel this weekend. The balloons were mostly filled with incendiary devices and explosives. A Hamas spokesperson announced that the campaign was a part of the Valentine’s day festivities. “It’s a celebration of love, and we love to kill Jews and we thought this was the best way to express this.” Israeli police reported that they had defused several bombs shaped as pink and red hearts. Police...
Virus-Free Middle East Feeling Pretty Smug at the Moment
Residents of the Middle East have been united this week as they remain free of the latest zombie plague originating in China. Israeli bus driver Yehuda Ben-Shalom commented, “It’s just great to read about the world falling apart and not having it headlined with a picture of the Dome of the Rock. We might have to dodge the odd Palestinian chucking a rock, but none of them have ever tried to sneeze on me in a weaponised way.” Palestinian dentist...
AOC Praises Middle Eastern Leader Yasser Ben-Gurion
Looking to tout her expertise on Middle Eastern political expertise, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez cited “famed leader Yasser Ben-Gurion” in an Instagram post. “I was just reading about how famed leader Yasser Ben-Gurion predicted decades ago that President Trump would ruin things between the Israelis and Palestinians,” Ocasio-Cortez wrote on Instagram, confusing David Ben-Gurion, Israel’s first prime minister, and Palestinian Liberation Organization founder Yasser Arafat. “I don’t remember what he said, but I think it was something about falafel.”...
Jimmy Carter Offers Jews Homemade Peanut Butter if They Return to Egypt
Former US President Jimmy Carter has reportedly offered the Jews his highly coveted homemade peanut butter if they give up Zionist imposed slavery and return to freedom in Egypt. The unconventional offer comes after Carter recently criticized President Trump’s “Deal of the Century” Middle Eastern peace plan. Jimmy Carter spoke to The Mideast Beast from his decaying farm while promoting his new book “Palestine: Peanut Peace, not Trump Apartheid”. “President Trump’s peace plan endangers the implementation of a fair and...
ISIS Offshoot Wins Popularity After Describing Attacks as ‘Democratic Terrorism’
An offshoot of the Islamic militant group ISIS has seen its popularity surge among US millennials after explaining its acts of violence are in fact “democratic terrorism.” “This is nothing like the real terrorism that al Qaeda or Hezbollah carry out,” Mohammed al-Sandersi, the head of Democratic ISIS, or DISIS, told The Mideast Beast. “It is going to be good terrorism, like in Norway or Sweden.” Despite the country’s historic aversion to radical jihad, DISIS has quickly gained adherents at...
Israel Begins Direct Iran Flights, Using F-35 Combat Aircraft
Israel’s Aviation Authority has for the first time since the Islamic Revolution in 1979, greenlighted direct flights to Iran. The dramatic decision comes after relations between Iran and Israel are warming up, especially in Syria. Until flight conditions stabilize, F35, F15 and F16 combat aircraft from the Israeli Air Force will operate the flight route from Tel Aviv to Tehran. Iran’s Ayatollah Ministry of Transport did express concern that the “unilateral racist Zionist flights” would deny “frequent flyer virgin benefits...
Syria to Send Election Monitors to New Hampshire
Citing confusion and irregularities during Monday’s Democratic caucuses in Iowa, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced his country will send election monitors to oversee the upcoming primary in New Hampshire. “The citizens of the state, the country, and the world need to know whether the results of the New Hampshire election truly reflects the will of the people,” Assad said during a press conference. “It is imperative for the global community to ensure that the American people – and not party...