Politics

US Government Suggests the Middle East to “Shut Down”

US Government Suggests the Middle East to “Shut Down”

A spokesperson for the US government suggested over the weekend that the region voted “Most Troublesome” 2017 years in a row, consider following the United States into ‘furlonging’ all but essential personnel. “Really the Turkish invasion of Syria in pursuit of Kurdish militants currently backed by us is the last straw. We could just about cope when we just needed to state, ‘Saudi good, Iran bad.’ But this is some next level three-dimensional chess shit right here. And let’s be...

Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Beleaguered by leaks, organizational chaos, infighting, and members jumping ship, the infamous leader struggles to maintain his hold on power. One aid agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity “He’s breaking all the traditions! Didn’t even hold a Ramadan dinner! All the past leaders I can remember have hosted Ramadan dinner.” The “Fire and Fury” leader has lost a large number of his cabinet members, including several spokespeople, some lasting only a few days. “These guys come...

Abbas: “I Blacked Out, Did I Miss Anything?”

Abbas: “I Blacked Out, Did I Miss Anything?”

Tuesday Morning, a bleary-eyed, Mahmoud Abbas, stumbled out of his bedroom in his home in Ramallah, and asked, “I blacked out most of Monday, did I miss anything?” Monday saw the PA president go off on a fiery two-hour rant in which he lashed out at everyone from US President Trump to (surprise surprise) the Jews. A shocked Abbas explained: “It started with a few shots at lunch, you know, to steady my nerves, but then, before you know it,...

Dave Matthews Immigrates to Israel

Dave Matthews Immigrates to Israel

TEL AVIV — In a surprise move, legendary musician Dave Matthews has decided to immigrate to Israel.  In an interview with Yonit Levy, the musician said, “This was a difficult choice for me, but this seems like the right time to be with my people.”  Mr. Matthews will move to Tel Aviv by year’s end. Mr. Matthew’s publicist elaborated on the decision to The Mideast Beast.  “It’s time that Dave returns to where he feels most comfortable.  Cut off jean...

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House leaks have revealed that the President is currently “pretty satisfied” with the progress being made towards plunging the world into an all-consuming global conflict. He remains open to whether this is a good or a bad thing. In the minutes of a National Security Council that were leaked, National Security Adviser General H.R. McMasters expressed concern that the President seemed “a little too excited” about the possibility of World War III.  At one point, in trying to explain...

New U.S. Travel Ban Specifically Targets “Shithole Countries”

New U.S. Travel Ban Specifically Targets “Shithole Countries”

With the so-called ‘Muslim Ban’ being broadly challenged by Federal Courts, President Trump has been busy drafting a new travel ban, barring all people who originate from ‘shithole countries.’ What this means, specifically is not exactly clear. When asked in a press conference about which countries will be targeted he responded, “You know, like Paris, or like France or whatever…they can come, but they gotta take a shower first.” TMB asked which Middle Eastern nations would be affected by the...

Arab Leaders: Arab Spring “Much Cooler” Than Current “Persian Winter”

Arab Leaders: Arab Spring “Much Cooler” Than Current “Persian Winter”

“Our ‘Arab Spring’ was so much cooler than this weird new ‘Persian Winter’ the Iranians have come up with,” Arab leaders claimed Wednesday. “In fact, ‘Persian Winter’ is a total rip-off of the ‘Arab Spring’. This just goes to show that the Persians have been copying from us for millennia. Those asshats back in the Zoroastrian days were just mad that we invented algebra and astronomy and shit.” The statement was made at an emergency Arab League meeting in Saudi...

Khamenei Jr. Hopes Strip Club Tape with Yair Netanyahu Doesn’t Leak

Khamenei Jr. Hopes Strip Club Tape with Yair Netanyahu Doesn’t Leak

Leaked tapes of Yair Netanyahu’s strip club visits have led Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Jr., the son of Iran’s supreme leader, to fear that his own drunken escapades in Tel Aviv will be made public. The recently released tapes show the younger Netanyahu at a Tel Aviv strip club while heavily intoxicated. Though the Iranian leader’s son cannot be heard on any of the tapes, he is well aware that his own trip with Yair to the White City’s houses of...

Yair Netanyahu to Run for US Senate as Republican

Yair Netanyahu to Run for US Senate as Republican

Following the release of the controversial recordings of Yair Netanyahu boasting of his sexual exploits, as well as his father’s role in orchestrating shady deals with high-profile billionaire Kobi Maimon, Yair Netanyahu has gained support from the traditionally pro-Netanyahu GOP. The President himself even commented, saying that he saw a lot of himself in that very smart and humble young man. Critics within the Republican party say that the recordings, though indicative of the character of the party is not quite...

The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News

The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News

The Mideast Beast, a satirical news source, has confirmed that they will begin to focus on reporting real news.  This comes at a time when real news and fake news are becoming less and less distinguishable. There have always been some that think satire is real and real news is fake, but recently the number of people unable to decipher between the two is increasing at an alarming rate. “Why expend effort to write something that outlandishly exploits the hidden...

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Monday morning. Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah is stretched thin, being too busy in the Clown-Killing Circus, or Syria as it’s officially referred to. When The Mideast Beast asked how such a situation could possibly occur, the IDF Chief of Staff just shrugged his shoulders and...

Trump ‘Playground-Tweets’ Iran

Trump ‘Playground-Tweets’ Iran

As Iranian protests have intensified, President Donald Trump has been increasingly vocal in support of them, even taking personal shots at Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. On Saturday, he tweeted, “It’s a wonderful thing when university students in other countries protest bad leaders. This Rouhani guy’s obviously not a genius or even like very smart. Sad!” Apparently not satisfied with this jab, an hour later, he tweeted again, “I bet his approval ratings aren’t great like mine. Oh, and I heard...

Palestinians Call for Trump-Bannon Peace Talks

Palestinians Call for Trump-Bannon Peace Talks

Describing the ongoing conflict between the US president and his former chief strategist as “unsustainable,” Palestinian leaders have called for peace talks between Donald Trump and Steve Bannon. “With around-the-clock negotiations and compromise on tough issues, we believe a resolution to this seemingly intractable dispute is possible,” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas declared, adding emphatically, “We want this conflict to end!” Abbas proposed two rounds of negotiations. The first would deal with issues seen as manageable, such as Russia, Roy Moore,...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind most western countries despite all of the media hype. We’re just way, way, way behind.” “We want to create a...

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

Admitting that the group had nearly run out of underage girls for its fighters, the Islamic State has reached out to former US Congressman Anthony Weiner, offering the embattled politician asylum in the caliphate in exchange for his contact book. The offer comes as Weiner, once a leading candidate in New York City’s mayoral race, faces possible jail time after he allegedly exchanged sexually explicit messages with a 15-year-old girl through Twitter. “Anthony, join us in the land of the...

Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp

Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp

In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. Figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn on my iPhone. That’s when Ahmed saw what I was looking at. I thought ‘shit, now I’m in trouble’ but he leaned over and...

President Trump May Join TMB Writing Team

President Trump May Join TMB Writing Team

Estimates that Trump will have made a record 2000 false claims during his first year as POTUS have prompted the editors of The Mideast Beast to offer him a part-time position on TMB’s writing team. According to Reuters, Trump was the ultimate source of fake news this past year, and consequently should be targeting himself in his attempts to eliminate fake news sources. Analyses have shown that during 2017 Trump invented more facts about Middle Eastern affairs than the entire...

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo last spring reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from the West, specifically North America. An online poll revealed that 45% of Americans expect to have a “more favorable outlook...

New Hamas Charter Just the Lyrics to “Imagine”

New Hamas Charter Just the Lyrics to “Imagine”

A Hamas spokesman has confirmed that the organization’s latest policy document will consist solely of the lyrics of the 1971 John Lennon smash hit “Imagine.” Fawzi Barhoum commented, “We recognize that our original 1988 Charter has put a lot of people off. For a long time, we thought it was just annoying to the Jews that we wanted to drive them all into the sea. But apparently, that kind of thinking was not ‘groovy’, and we accept that now.” “And...

Armenians Demand US Recognize the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide’

Armenians Demand US Recognize the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide’

Saying that their own struggle for recognition should take a backseat, Armenians are demanding that the US acknowledge the ‘Rachael Ray Genocide,’ during which the celebrity chef and alleged war criminal called hummus “Israeli.” James Zogby, the president of the Arab American Institute, was the first to note the international law implications of Ray’s message, tweeting back “Damn it @rachaelray. This is cultural #genocide.” The Armenians, whose own massacre at the hands of the Ottoman Empire remains unrecognized in the...