Politics

Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other

Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other

Yearning for companionship, and running out of people in their immediate areas, recent reports have indicated that Saudi Arabia and Israel have changed the settings on their Tinder profiles to increase the search distance, and surprisingly, right swiped each other. According to sources close with both countries, the two have been talking nightly, and have even discussed making it “an official thing.” Apparently, the two bonded over their shared frustrations over Iran, a former friend of both Israel and  Saudi...

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started importing all the giant balloons of famous jihadists and radical preachers into the city so we had to leave them...

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

THE DESERT SOMEWHERE – Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our asses kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and...

Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball

Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball

Zimbabwe’s long-time president, Robert Mugabe, has had his invitation to the exclusive Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball withdrawn, accompanied by an apology from the organizers for what they termed an “administrative error”. “It is with regret that we must withdraw Mr. Mugabe’s invitation to this year’s event”, said a spokesperson. “We mistakenly sent an invite to Mr. Mugabe without properly assessing his eligibility. On closer inspection, we found that his status as ‘overthrown dictator’ is not yet finalized and...

Trump to Designate Wisconsin as Independent Kurdish State in Program Known as ‘Curds for Kurds”

Trump to Designate Wisconsin as Independent Kurdish State in Program Known as ‘Curds for Kurds”

President Trump has announced an initiative to set up a Kurdish state in the heart of America’s dairy land. Known as ‘Curds for Kurds,’ this program will allocate a large portion of the Western half of Wisconsin as an independent Kurdish state. He began, “It was so obvious to me, you know? They got curds already in Wisconsin. What’s a few more, am I right? What I don’t understand is why Switzerland and France haven’t gotten involved before. As I...

Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code

Mossad Ups Its Game and Uses Pig Latin as New Secret Code

The Mideast Beast can exclusively reveal that the world-renowned Israeli intelligence agency, the Mossad, has plans to up its game and improve its spying capabilities by using new and innovative intelligence methods, including using Pig Latin as its new secret code. “We’ve been slacking lately”, a source told The Mideast Beast. “We haven’t really made any progress on the covert intelligence front for a few years now and most of our complex algorithms have been cracked by Iranian or Russian...

Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date

Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date

Following a story in the Washington Post, journalists and pundits have questioned whether Jared Kushner had anything to do with the recent shakeups in Saudi Arabia. It claimed, “The two princes are said to have stayed up until nearly 4 am several nights, swapping stories and planning strategy.” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman recently had several princes and other high profile individuals detained in the kingdom on charges of corruption. After a request from The Mideast Beast, the Secret...

Shiite Muslims Blast Taylor Swift Over Silence on Caliphal Succession

Shiite Muslims Blast Taylor Swift Over Silence on Caliphal Succession

Demanding that the popular country-pop star pick a side, Shiite activists are increasingly calling out Taylor Swift over her silence regarding the rightful succession to the Prophet Muhammad. “Tay Tay never misses a chance to rip Kim and Kanye, but when it comes to Yazid’s murder of Husayn ibn Ali at the Battle of Karbala, all we hear are crickets,” wrote one Shiite magazine contributor. “Taylor is not obligated to be vocal about Middle Eastern sectarian disputes, but her silence...

Lebanese Prime Minister Hariri Found on Holiday in Disney World

Lebanese Prime Minister Hariri Found on Holiday in Disney World

The confusion over the whereabouts of Lebanese Prime Minister Saad Hariri has been resolved unexpectedly after he was found on holiday in Disney World Orlando. The Prime Minister was said to have fled Lebanon “in fear of his life” due to the growing influence of Iran-backed Hezbollah in his country, though the Iranians claimed he was being held against his will in Saudi Arabia. However, a selfie uploaded onto Twitter showing Mr. Hariri being embraced by Mickey Mouse has exposed...

Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls

Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls

In another potential blow to his election campaign, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been banned from the Saudi dating website “OK Muhammed” after users reported him for aggressively pursuing underage girls. While Saudi age of consent laws are far more lenient than those in the US, the dating application’s hosts felt that Moore took things a little too far. “We believe that when two people fall in love, small issues such as age and consent, should not get in...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much older structure,” announced the team leader, Dr. Yousef Muhamad. “Though we were unable to ascertain the origins of the ruins....

After Joining Paris Agreement, Syria Switches to Eco-Friendly Cluster Bombs

After Joining Paris Agreement, Syria Switches to Eco-Friendly Cluster Bombs

Stressing its commitment to fighting climate change following its signing of the Paris Climate Accords, the Syrian government announced that it will begin using ecologically friendly explosives when cluster-bombing civilians. “Dropping barrel bombs full of pollutants on schools, mosques and hospitals was not just irresponsible. It was flat-out wrong,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad acknowledged. “As Paris Agreement signatories, our massive bombing campaigns will now be carbon neutral.” Syria’s announcement angered US President Donald Trump, who said it has led him...

Palestinian-American Stranded in Detroit After Boycotting Waze

Palestinian-American Stranded in Detroit After Boycotting Waze

A Palestinian-American has been stranded in the suburbs of Detroit after boycotting his Israeli GPS app midway through his journey. Farid Sabur and his family were heading for Lake Michigan from their New York City home when he decided to explore the settings on his GPS app, Waze. To his shock, he found that the app was produced in Israel. “I pulled over and deleted the app instantly,” Farid told The Mideast Beast. “By this point, we were in a...

ISIS Leader Asks, “Why Aren’t They Going After ‘Crooked Saddam’?”

ISIS Leader Asks, “Why Aren’t They Going After ‘Crooked Saddam’?”

Calling the Iraqi-led effort to dislodge his forces from their strongholds a distraction, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi questioned why the army and media were not instead focusing their attention on “crooked Saddam.” “It is so unfair that everyone keeps attacking our caliphate when they should be focusing on Saddam.” Baghdadi said in a barrage of Tweets. “I heard that he was trying to buy uranium from the Russians! Sad!” Speaking to reporters, Baghdadi said he would direct the Iraqi...

TMB Writers Increasingly Frustrated by Competition from Reality

TMB Writers Increasingly Frustrated by Competition from Reality

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE EAST – Reporters from The Mideast Beast have reported that they find it increasingly difficult to satirize current events given how bat-shit crazy everything has become. One writer explained, “How the hell are we supposed to compete with reality? I mean this shit is crazy. I watch CNN and President Trump is getting into a Twitter war with Kim Jong Un, while his whole election team is getting done for conspiracy with the Russian government over...

Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years

Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years

Suspicions of bribery have been raised following the news that Qatar is set to host every major international sporting event for the next century. “It was one thing getting to host the FIFA World Cup in 2022, but also hosting the FIBA World Cup, Olympics, Paralympics, Rugby World Cup, World Baseball, Ryder Cup, all the Grand Slams and countless other events for the next 100 years really does suggest something might be going on”, admitted a source from the FBI....

Trump on Jesus of Nazareth: “He Knew What He Signed Up For”

Trump on Jesus of Nazareth: “He Knew What He Signed Up For”

On Thursday Donald Trump issued another controversial and confusing tweet. Believing Madonna Louise Ciccone, famous for her 1984 hit “Material Girl,” to be the mother of Jesus of Nazareth, Trump tweeted “@madonna. Sorry to hear about your boy Jesus. But in all fairness, he knew what he signed up for.” The next day, the president attempted to clarify his comments, in a brief press conference. “Even though I prefer prophets who don’t get crucified,” he began, “I pledge to donate...

New TMB Podcast: “‘Sportsmanshipping’: Molly Makes Up a New Word for an Old Problem”

New TMB Podcast: “‘Sportsmanshipping’: Molly Makes Up a New Word for an Old Problem”

Does everyone really need a present to show appreciation? And does everyone really need to be present at a sports arena? On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles present (pun intended) you with the many dilemmas of the Middle East. Together they discuss the UNESCO swag snub, Saudi Arabia’s latest liberal move to allow women at sporting events, and the behind the scenes look at Molly’s candid interview with Palestinian refugee, Ali. The Mideast Beast...

Trump Claims IQ test Needed to Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Trump Claims IQ test Needed to Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

President Trump has launched a novel approach the Middle East peace process with the suggestion that the major negotiation sticking points between Israelis and Palestinians could be solved in a winner-take-all IQ test. “Winners in the Mideast should be decided by IQ test. Netanyahu and Abbas must compete. SMARTEST guy gets Jerusalem. The other doesn’t – SAD!”, Trump tweeted late Wednesday night. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson – who has himself been challenged by Trump to take an IQ test...

Authorities: Still Too Early to Plan Annual ‘War on Christmas’

Authorities: Still Too Early to Plan Annual ‘War on Christmas’

Jewish and Muslim authorities have combined forces to criticize what they see as a premature planning of the ‘War on Christmas’. In a series of press releases representatives of both faiths lashed out at the perpetual cycle of planning earlier every year. “As soon as September rolls around we are already receiving blueprints for how we are going to undermine the Christian holiday” one memo states. “It’s pretty fucking annoying. I don’t even want to hear about Christmas until late...