Politics
Mossad to Train Russia on Making Assets Less Obvious
Insisting that Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service – the successor to the KGB – must do a better job of disguising its assets, Israel’s Mossad has invited the agency’s leadership to Tel Aviv for a one-on-one seminar in how to train recruits. “The SVR has done a tremendous job of finding high-level assets in influential nations and bringing them fully on board with the agency’s mission,” an unnamed Mossad source told The Mideast Beast, referring to the service by its Russian...
Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’
The Gaza-based Palestinian Islamist group Hamas chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message comes more than two months after an outbreak of violence led to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants we normally only see when Ahmed’s chugging the fermented goat’s milk.” “Listen, we love hearing people rip on those Jews...
UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Fire Kites
The United Nations General Assembly issued a resolution Monday condemning Israeli farmers for damaging Palestinian flaming kites, which Gazans have been sending over the border into southern Israel, causing millions of dollars in damages to Israel’s agricultural economy. According to the United Nations, the kites are often damaged upon impact before the Israeli fields burst into flames. “In a typical case of disproportionate Israeli aggression, Israeli farmers are now using their gigantic fields of various agricultural products to destroy significantly...
Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country
Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do with a job. “I just think Israel should end the occupation, because like, we’re all people, so why should the...
Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers
In another courageous protest against the occupation, a third group of Jewish activists has left its free Birthright trip to take a stand against the lack of hot Israeli soldiers on their tour bus. “We came to Israel on Birthright to get a complete and accurate picture of our ancestral homeland by having sex with muscular, tan special forces commanders, but instead we got stuck with two skinny privates and some guy in the IDF’s IT department,” Sarah Greenstein, a 22-year-old...
U.S. Dad Excited to Find Internet’s Cheapest Family Cruise off Somali Coast
A local dad from Gary, Indiana named Doug Seaver is stoked to have found what he is reporting to be “the best deal in the history of the Internet.” He reportedly scored five tickets for a family cruise off the coast of Somalia, plus airfare, all for just $17.99. “When I saw this deal I was stunned. My wife asked if I’m buying tickets for our two teenage daughters and newborn baby and I was like ‘what do you think I’m an...
Hamas Bans Plastic Bags
Not to be outdone by their North African counterparts, Hamas has declared a ban on plastic bags in the Gaza Strip. “We believe that this activism in the Gaza strip will help to alleviate the environmental impact of 70 years of burning tires and corn fields in occupied Palestine. We follow in the footsteps of the world leaders who made environmental protection a priority; Mahatma Gandhi, Theodore Roosevelt, Hermann Göring. You know all the greats.” A representative from the United...
Wounds of Terror, Laughter that Heals, and a Mr. Potato Head Fetish
Go straight to Sound Cloud for Kay Wilson’s amazing interview. If you faked your own death and survived, what would your real life look like after that? On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone gets in bed (literally) with Kay Wilson, survivor of a brutal terrorist attack. Clearly using humor to cope with reality, Wilson is, no joke, fighting against western monies funding terrorist groups, friending the supposed enemy, and admittedly still playing with Mr....
Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”
RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...
PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists
The Israeli parliament’s decision to bring forward legislation to financially penalize the Palestinian Authority by the amount they pay out to families of terrorists, has led to a call for compromise by the West Bank leadership. “We get it, honestly. We understand why the Israelis might be a bit pissed with us for dishing out dollars to encourage more stabbings”, a spokesman said. “But, not all our guys are that bad, Zionist-killing aside of course. More than one of them...
Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh
Noting that nobody could be more radical than Trump’s pick for the seat, Senate Democrats are urging the US president to replace Brett Cavanaugh with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “I demand that President Trump withdraw his pick immediately and appoint a moderate, like [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad or al-Baghdadi,” Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters said after Trump’s pick was announced. “Now, I admit that I haven’t Googled Cabernet, or whatever his [Kavanaugh’s] name is, yet, but since Trump picked him...
Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement
ISIS signed up to the Paris Climate Agreement yesterday whilst at the same time criticizing the United States which, following an executive order issued by President Trump, withdrew from the accords. “We recognize that planet earth belongs to all our children and that it is our global responsibility to look after it”, the Islamic terror group said in a statement. “By all our children, of course, we mean only those who recognize our cause for Jihad. The infidels’ children obviously...
Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Due to escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?” Despite heavy media attention on Israel, a deeper analysis has uncovered that the...
In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again claimed victory at the polls, this time declaring himself winner of the 2018 American Idol competition. “I am humbled and gratified that the voters of this competition have chosen to reward me for my talents,” Erdogan said at a rally in Ankara, the Turkish capital. “This is a win for Turkey and a blow to its terrorist and Zionist enemies.” His announcement came two weeks after the Turkish leader claimed victory for...
Uncovered: Iranian General Self-Publishes Weather-Themed Anthology of Poetry
Allowing the world to glimpse his sensitive side, General Gholam Reza Jalali debuted his book of poetry to a select group of Mullahs and Washington DC city council members on Monday. “In his welcoming he said, “For too long the Zionists have had a lock on literature. Philip Roth, Saul Bellow, that Anne Frank chick. Well now everyone can hear about my existential crisis.” The collection, entitled ‘First They Came for the Clouds’, owes its title to its first piece, which...
The Doctor is In… Scary is the New Sexy, or at Least for This Podcast
Click here to go straight to Sound Cloud to listen to the newest TMB podcast. He’s a doctor of terrorism, but that’s not even the terrifying part. On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast host Molly Livingstone gets in the mind of Dr. Matthew Levitt (his mom made us make sure we wrote DOCTOR), of The Washington Institute for Near East Policy, to discuss terrorism, countering that terrorism, and if this podcast is effectively doing both. Is Dr....
Trump, Netanyahu to Reaffirm Shared Values of Racism, Corruption & Nepotism
U.S. President Donald J. Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are scheduled to meet next month in Manila at a summit billed ‘Great Leaders Celebrating Great Common Values’. According to a statement issued by the White House, “President Trump and Prime Minister Netanyahu, along with other great world leaders, will participate in a two-day summit that will celebrate our core values, which can be broadly summed up to be whatever we think the braying base want to hear.” Netanyahu’s...
ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously
In a recent interview, former adult movie star Mia Khalifa said that she had been receiving death threats from ISIS and has seen photo-shopped pictures online of herself being beheaded. Khalifa made headlines in the past for participating in an adult video wearing a Hijab and has angered some over several Lebanese nationalistic tattoos as well as a Lebanese Flag on her body. An ISIS spokesman has expressed outrage over her actions saying: “I heard from a friend that these...
British Protests, Violence Mark 242 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans celebrate the 242nd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...
Khamenei Turns Down SCOTUS Seat: ‘I Don’t Want That Much Power’
Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has turned down Donald Trump’s offer for a soon-to-be-vacant seat on the US Supreme Court, calling the position “too much power for one man.” “I may be a dictator, but at least I’m checked by the threat of Western intervention or a military coup,” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “If I took Kennedy’s seat, I’d be serving for life as the swing vote between two extremes in a radically divided country.” He added, “I might even...