Politics
Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy
Following the controversy over a Jeopardy question last week, a visibly aggravated Alex Trebek seemed intent on not letting his audience know that the dispute had not phased him. This follows the controversy where the answer to a question placed Bethlehem in Israel rather than Palestine. Some groups took offense to this, with Code Pink, which is usually such a reasonable group of women, responding by saying that the answer was “literally like the Holocaust happened all over again right there...
European Union Labels Jesus an Illegal Jewish Settlement Product
The European Union (EU) has decided to label Jesus an “illegal Jewish settlement product from the Israeli-occupied West Bank.” The dramatic decision comes after the European Court of Justice ruled earlier that EU countries must label all Jewish settlements goods. EU’s Foreign Policy Chief Josep Borrell spoke to The Mideast Beast from his Brussels office. “As the world’s leading human rights power, the European Union has a moral duty to oppose illegal Jewish settlement products from the Israeli-occupied West Bank. As...
Warren Claims Bernie Gave Her Smallpox Blanket
As the feud between the two democratic presidential candidates escalates, Senator Elizabeth Warren now claims that Senator Bernie Sanders offered her a smallpox-infected blanket in an effort to push her out of the race. Warren’s allegation comes a day after she told reporters that Sanders privately told her that a woman could not win the presidency, a charge Sanders denies. Reached by The Mideast Beast, Warren said that Sanders also told her that Americans would never accept a Cherokee as...
Israel Offers Harry and Meghan Leadership Role
Israel today upped the stakes in a potential new role for Prince Harry and his Canadian bride. A government spokesman commented, “Western Canada is nice and all, but we feel that the near constant sunshine of Tel Aviv would be more to their liking. And frankly we find ourselves in a situation where we are going to need a new dynasty pretty soon. Preferable one that isn’t likely to be seeing the inside of a prison cell, which is why...
Iran Appoints Michael Moore as Soleimani’s Successor
Iran’s Supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has appointed Michael Moore as Soleimani’s successor to head the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps. The dramatic move comes after Michael Moore recently apologized for Soleimani’s death on behalf of “millions of Americans.” Ayatollah Khamenei told The Mideast Beast that he is not fooled by Moore’s “insincere” condolences: “Michael has been eagerly waiting to replace Soleimani for years after a progressively declining documentary making career. However, the Islamic Republic appreciates Michael Moore’s extensive experience in attacking...
Iran Launches GoFundMe Campaign for Better Air Defense Radars
In the aftermath of a tragic incident in which an Iranian missile shot down a commercial airliner near Tehran last week, the Islamic Republic’s air defense force has launched a GoFundMe campaign to help them acquire improved radar systems. Military leaders say the new radars could help prevent similarly tragic incidents in the future by distinguishing military targets from civilian flights. Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif took to Twitter to announce the campaign. “The whole world has now seen what tragic, unintentional events...
International Criminal Court Hopes World War III Doesn’t Take Attention from Israel
The International Criminal Court (ICC) is urging Iran and the US to de-escalate their conflict, warning that the impending war is distracting from its long overdue plan to prosecute Israel. The ICC announced last month that it would investigate Israel for alleged war crimes in Gaza and the West Bank, saying that that nothing else noteworthy was going on in the world. But President Donald Trump’s decision to target Iranian General Qasem Soleimani has left little room in the headlines...
Iran Admits to Unintentionally Attacking US Baghdad Embassy
Iran has admitted that it “unintentionally attacked” the US Embassy in Baghdad in December 2019. The dramatic U-turn admission comes after Tehran also admitted that it recently accidentally shot down a Ukrainian commercial airplane just after takeoff from Imam Khomeini International Airport . Iran’s Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif told The Mideast Beast: “Iran unintentionally attacked the US Embassy in Baghdad. This human error happened due to strain and stress caused by the dangerous American adventurism in the Middle East....
Trudeau Apologizes for Airliner Full of Canadians That Hit Innocent Iranian Missile
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has issued an apology after a plane full of Canadians struck an Iranian missile near Tehran last week. The collision resulted in the destruction of an extremely expensive Iranian anti-aircraft missile, and also the deaths of 57 Canadians. Trudeau, the famously considerate leader of the most polite country on earth, said in a written statement that “it is completely unlike Canadians to run straight into someone that they see crossing airspace. In Canada, Mounties frequently have to...
White House: President Trump Definitely Not Bummed He Didn’t Get to Nuke Anybody
The White House has released a statement assuring the American people and the global community that the president is satisfied with the conclusion of the recent round of violence in Iraq between the US military and Iran, and not at all bummed out that the he didn’t get to see what a nuclear ICBM does to a city. In a press conference, the White House spokesperson said, “The President wants to assure the American people, and the world, that the...
Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’
The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by the attack, especially after the diplomatic letter sent by the Beverly Hills Ambassador to Iran, Ms. Rose McGowan. Survivors surveyed...
Trump Declares Day of Rage against Uncooperative Pentagon
President Trump has reportedly declared a Day of Rage against the Pentagon. The escalating move comes after the Pentagon rejected Trump’s threat to bomb Iranian cultural sites. A mildly irritated President Trump told The Mideast Beast: “Nobody can give better orders than me. The undrained Pentagon swamp consists of unstable total losers, probably secret Pocahontas or Bernie Slanders supporters. As long as a stable genius like me leads the US, the Pentagon will do exactly as I tell them. If...
Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses
Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually read the Hague Convention, and it definitely doesn’t mention lush greens and challenging water obstacles anywhere.” A Pentagon spokesman commented,...
Iran Accepts Rose McGowan as Refugee
Calling it a sign of mercy towards the American people, the Iranian government has accepted Rose McGowan’s asylum claim following the actress’ tweet begging the ayatollahs’ forgiveness following recent US airstrikes. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the country’s Supreme Leader, launched a daring mission to rescue McGowan after she tweeted, “We are being held hostage by a terrorist regime. We do not know how to escape. Please do not kill us.” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast that Iranian fighter planes were already...
Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles
President Donald Trump said he has added domestic Iranian cultural sites, including Los Angeles’s “Little Persia,” to its list of potential targets in the event of an Iranian attack. “This is a WARNING! If Iran strikes America, we will bomb anything Iranian that we can find!” Trump tweeted Sunday morning. “We will start by wiping out Persian Square in LA, and if that doesn’t stop the ayatollahs we will begin rounding up Persian cats!” Little Persia, also known as Tehrangeles,...
Dems Support Airstrike After Soleimani’s Old Tweets Emerge
Democrats initially opposed to President Trump’s decision to take out Iran’s Quds Force Commander Qasem Soleimani have reversed course after decade-old offensive tweets by the general emerged. Leading Democrats now call the strike long overdue after the tweets – described as sexist, homophobic, and Islamophobic – were discovered by a blogger for the Huffington Post. “Just watched 45 minutes of the new Ghostbusters movie – boring!” one tweet declared. “Sorry broads, but Tina Fey is no Dan Aykroyd.” “Is it...
Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People
Pondering how to respond to American air strikes that took out his top general, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei admitted that he longed for the days when the greatest threat to his power was the Iranian populace looking for basic human rights. “You know who never kills your top military officials in a drone strike on foreign soil? Unarmed protestors,” Khamenei said wistfully. “You can kill them by the thousands – and trust me, I have – and the worst...
Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate
Former National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes, who was once billed as Barack Obama’s foreign policy Guru was devastated to hear the horrible news that President Trump had authorized an airstrike that killed Iranian Quds Force leader, General Qasem Soleimani. “Qasem Soleimani, also known as “Asshole” by Yemenis, was the kind of moderate Iranian leader that we needed for peace in the Middle East,” Rhodes said in an interview immediately following the strike. “Sure he has the blood of hundreds of...
‘We Could Have Just Paid You Back for the Broken Glass,’ Khamenei Says
After his top commander was killed by a US airstrike, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has accused Americans of being “really anal about your embassies all of a sudden.” “I mean, jeez, talk about an overreaction,” Khamenei said in his first official statement after the death of Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis — the deputy head of the Iran-backed Iraqi Popular Mobilization Forces. “All our militias did was break a few windows. We could have just...
New York Enacts Strict ‘Eight-Strikes’ Law to Stop Attacks on Jews
Promising to finally get tough on attacks against Jews, New York has instituted a stringent ‘eight strikes’ law promising legal consequences to anyone who commits more than seven felony assaults against random Jewish citizens. The law was spurred by outrage after Brooklyn resident Tiffany Harris was arrested twice within a week for attacks against Jews, in one instance screaming “fuck you Jews” while slapping a group of Orthodox women in Crown Heights, and immediately released each time. She was finally...