Politics
POC Reporters Ask for a Relocation to Iraq and Syria
The leading group of black journalists in the U.S. has made a public plea for newsrooms across the country to relocate POC reporters (People of Color) to safer locales such as Syria, Iraq, Yemen, or even North Korea. The National Association of Black Journalists (NABJ) made the request via a public Facebook post minutes after a black-hispanic CNN reporter was arrested on live television. Omar Jimenez was rightfully covering riots and protests that broke out in response to the police...
God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet
In the US, Americans are demanding that they be allowed to go back to worshiping in churches, and in Israel, the Chief Rabbi is demanding that synagogues and other religious institutions be opened. Everyone is ready to get back to religious observance except for one important figure: God The Almighty One, blessed be He says that he is just not ready to go back to working from the office yet, and that he really enjoyed the last two months on...
Iraq Obtains 99-year Hong Kong Lease, Promises Democracy and Prosperity
China has granted Iraq a 99-year lease for Hong Kong after the Baghdad regime promised to deliver “democracy, peace and prosperity” to the former British colony. The surprising development comes on the heels of ongoing US-Chinese tensions over Hong Kong’s status as autonomous from mainland China. China’s prominent human rights champion turned foreign minister Wang Yi, spoke to The Mideast Beast while tenderly wiping out the remaining stubborn pockets of Tibetan resistance. “Democracy, freedom, and human rights have always been...
Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas Ends all Agreements with Gravity
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas announced that he is cutting off all ties with gravity. Abbas introduced the new policy in a meandering address from his palace in Ramallah. The canceling of all agreements with gravity comes days after Abbas announced that he is cutting off all ties with Israel, the two moves are interpreted as part of the same larger policy. “I think he’s really into making big announcements that he either can’t and won’t pull through with” said Omar...
Assad Holds Anticipatory Memorial Day for Syrians Still Alive
Syrian President, and Russia’s personal puppet, Bashar Assad held an anticipatory memorial day for Syrians that he hasn’t killed yet. It comes on the heels of an unmasked President Trump and a masked Joe Biden who marked America’s Memorial Day this past Monday. An emotional Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from his recently revealed Damascus Institute for Inclusive Corona Takeaway Lab. “I mourn 24/7 for my beloved Syrian people, especially the scrappy ones who are still with us. After...
Assad Resigns as Syrian President to Launch Podcast
Inspired by comedian Joe Rogan’s $100 million deal with Spotify, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad says he will resign his position as president to focus on launching a news and culture podcast. It is not clear what will happen when Assad, whose efforts to cling to power have left to more than half a million dead, exits politics, as the strongman has no clear successor. But Assad did tell reporters that his podcast, to be called “The Kids Are Alawite,” will...
Captured ISIS Commander: We Were Misunderstood Boy Scouts
Iraq recently announced that it had captured senior ISIS Commander Abdul Nasser Qardash. The Mideast Beast managed to speak briefly to Qardash over Zoom about his views of the terrorist organization of which he formed a central part. “ISIS was completely misunderstood”, said Qardash, “All we ever wanted, and our late leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi made this abundantly clear, was to dress up in fancy Boy Scout uniforms, sell cookies and other cool stuff at jamborees, earn our Citizenship in...
Netanyahu Mistakenly Annexes Palestine, Texas
In a botched attempt to appease the right wing of his governing bloc, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has mistakenly annexed the City of Palestine, Texas. Netanyahu was seeking simply to make good on his recent promises to extend Israeli sovereignty to the Jordan Valley and certain Israeli settlements on land Palestinians hope will be part of a future state of Palestine. But in what experts on the region are calling an historic paperwork snafu, Netanyahu instead extended Israeli rule...
Iran Announces Soleimani Prize for Revolutionary Leaders Who Don’t Die in a Drone Strike
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani announced this week the formation of a committee to award the ״Major General Soleimani Prize״. The prize is in memory of the infamous general who died earlier this year from complications related to a hellfire missile and will be awarded for excellence in the category of “Struggle and Resistance”. The award will be the centerpiece of an awards gala to be held later this year, hosted by Sean Penn. The committee is slated to decide by...
Deal to Turn Dome of the Rock Into Trump Hotel Falls Through
After three years of promising “the deal of the century”, Trump has revealed that his plan for Middle East peace centers around turning The Dome of the Rock shrine into a Trump Hotel. The President made it clear during negotiations last week that it is not worth lifting a city out of centuries of conflict if he can’t profit from it personally. And, the Dome of The Rock is the perfect building for it because it’s already gold plated. Also,...
Trump Declares Tanning Salons Essential
At a news conference on Saturday President Donald Trump said he will do everything in his power to force governors to open tanning salons across the country. The announcement came a day after the president declared churches essential, and is the latest step in the president’s strategy of opening up businesses that his voter base frequents. “Governors need to do the right thing and allow these very important essential places to open right now, for this weekend. Nobody likes to...
Biden: Some of My Best Friends Are Black
Presumptive Democratic nominee for president, Joe Biden has been very busy apologizing for telling a black radio host that African-Americans “ain’t black, man!” if they are unsure who to support in November’s election. “Some of my best friends are black”, Biden told The Mideast Beast. “I am sorry that they now know how I really feel about them, just because of a silly slip of the mind, which, let’s be honest, could happen to any presidential candidate who ‘isn’t always...
Americans Learn About Israeli Politics, Start Appreciating the Electoral College
Sarah Wokey has long thought the system for electing American presidents was ridiculous, but recently the young progressive activist from Seattle had a change of heart. “I found out our presidential model is much better than the parliamentary system,” she said. Wokey said she has followed Israeli politics for the past year, observing a handful of elections in just a 12-month period. Although she is a Democrat, she said that her entire life she was a critic of America’s two-party...
Ayatollah Khamenei Embraces Amish Lifestyle Free From Zionist Technology
Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has decided to “embrace a simple Amish lifestyle free from Zionist technology.” The decision comes after Iran’s parliament unanimously passed a resolution banning any use of Israeli technology as a “crime against God.” Since Israeli technology is found in everything from laptops to smartphones, Iran’s supreme leader spoke to The Mideast Beast inside a 100 percent Zionist-free desert cave, accessible only by a camel taxi. “Allah told me to reconnect with my inner Amish pacifist...
Elon Musk Unveils Mideast Peace Plan to Rename Israel “G-71X//4” and Move the Capital to Rigel 7
Tech genius and mental maverick, Elon Musk, has made the news yet again this week with his bold Mideast peace proposal. The first part of the plan involves changing the name of the “Earth nation of Israel” to the more appropriate “G-71X//4.” The second and even more ambitious part of the plan is his proposal to move the capital from Jerusalem to the seventh planet of the Rigel system. While some terraforming and hundreds of years of space travel may...
Report Shows Trump Spends 60% of His Day Trying to Spell Hydroxychloroquine
A recent report from Washington D.C. indicated that US President Donald Trump spends at least 60% of his working day attempting to spell the name of the drug Hydroxychloroquine for his tweets. The report was written by Eric Trump who has been watching Trump as part of his new White House role. The role also includes duties such as: not touching anything and being more like Don Jr. Eric Trump Leaked the report after a journalist simply asked him for...
ISIS Tasks Eric Trump to Pack Arenas with 50,000 Infidels
ISIS has tasked Eric Trump to “pack arenas with 50.000 MAGA infidels.” The appointment comes after Trump Junior vented a cray-cray-level conspiracy theory over the slow reopening of some US states. “And they think they’re taking away Donald Trump’s greatest tool, which is being able to go into an arena and fill it with 50,000 people every single time, right?” The Mideast Beast caught up with Mohamed al-Saladin, ISIS’s Director of the Institute for the Art of Self-Detonation, in what...
President Trump to Posthumously Pardon Osama Bin Laden
Despite the COVID-19 pandemic raging on, president Trump has still found the time to pursue his longtime rivalry with former president Barack Obama. This morning he announced that he would be posthumously pardoning the Saudi terrorist leader, Osama Bin Laden, made famous by masterminding the September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. One of the Obama administration’s greatest accomplishments was the 2011 killing of Bin Laden in Western Pakistan, where he had been in hiding...
AG William Barr to Drop Charges Against Wuhan Bat
On Tuesday, US Attorney General and loyal Trump affiliate, William Barr made the shocking announcement that he would not be seeking charges against the bat who allegedly spawned the virus that caused the COVID-19 pandemic. The bat, who did not respond for our request to be interviewed, has previously plead guilty to infecting multiple patients in Wuhan China, the event that most doctors agree was the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak. In spite of its confession, AG Barr insists there...
Saudi’s Crown Prince Urges for Subtlety in Trump Government Purges
After Trump fired his Inspector General, a Health Department whistleblower, and a personal aid this month, his good friend and far more successful sociopath, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammad bin Salman (MBS), called him up to push the use of some subtlety in his power grabs. According to sources close to Trump, MBS calls every night for a quick catch-up. Usually the conversation centers around how alienating it is to be better than everyone else because of who...