Politics

Israel Suspected Behind Death of Top Iranian Nunchuck Specialist
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Israel Suspected Behind Death of Top Iranian Nunchuck Specialist

In another blow to Iran’s weapons programs, the country’s leading designer of nunchucks has been assassinated, with Israel suspected of carrying out the operation. Basir Latifi, the mastermind behind Iran’s advanced nunchuck program, was gunned down while exiting his car in downtown Tehran. Though no group or country has officially taken responsibility, the gunmen were seen wearing kippot (skull caps)...

Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests
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Iranian Nuclear Scientist Assassinated for Having 11 Dinner Guests

New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo has claimed responsibility for the assassination of top Iranian nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, telling reporters he had no choice but to order the killing after he learned that Fakhrizadeh planned to host more than ten guests at a dinner party that evening. Cuomo said intelligence sources inside Iran witnessed the scientist pickup up a...

Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
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Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving

It has been confirmed that President Trump’s recent calls for downsizing US troops in Afghanistan is to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry Christmas’ sign being...

UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again
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UN Troops Abandon Mission…Again

In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, underpaid...

Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving
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Gavin Newsom Orders Poor People Not to Celebrate Thanksgiving

Remarking that his favorite restaurants may be forced to close if the indigent continue to spread the coronavirus, California Governor Gavin Newsom has issued an order banning poor and middle-class Californians from gathering for Thanksgiving. Newsom said that the ban was necessary to prevent these citizens from passing the coronavirus to wealthy and politically connected government leaders and lobbyists. The...

Ghost of Bin Laden Hacked Voting Machines, Giuliani Claims

Ghost of Bin Laden Hacked Voting Machines, Giuliani Claims

Calling it the most shocking revelation yet, President Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani said he has compelling evidence that the ghost of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden worked with the ghost of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez to hack Dominion voting machines. Bin Laden and Chavez worked together to change millions of Trump votes to former Vice President Joe Biden,...

Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President
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Giuliani Converts to Islam, Issues Fatwa Declaring Trump Still President

In his latest attempt to save President Donald Trump’s re-election bid, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has officially converted to Islam, named himself a mufti, and issued a fatwa declaring Trump the winner of the November 3 presidential election. The move is the latest attempt to reverse the election results by Trump’s legal team, which has come up...

ISIS Leader Wears Dress on Vogue Cover to Prove His Bravery
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ISIS Leader Wears Dress on Vogue Cover to Prove His Bravery

Looking to earn the respect of his organization’s fighters, ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi has agreed to appear on the cover of Vogue wearing a Gucci dress for the magazine’s January issue. Qurashi, who has struggled to earn the trust of his mujahadeen since his predecessor Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was killed, told The Mideast Beast that the idea came...

Madison Cawthorn Seals Two-State Solution After Converting Netanyahu, Abbas to Christianity
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Madison Cawthorn Seals Two-State Solution After Converting Netanyahu, Abbas to Christianity

Congressman-elect Madison Cawthorn has brokered a historic peace deal between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, ending generations of distrust by convincing both leaders to convert to Christianity. Ending the religious dispute, Cawthorn explained, opened the door for a broader reconciliation. “Once we accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, all the other issues just...

Saudis Apologize for Executing Infidels Based on ‘Sexual Preference’
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Saudis Apologize for Executing Infidels Based on ‘Sexual Preference’

Acknowledging that the term is considered offensive, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman apologized for executing homosexuals based on their “sexual preference” rather than their sexual orientation. Bin Salman’s apology came after Kyle Griffin, a senior producer for MSNBC, pointed out on Twitter that the Saudi penal code called for “the beheading of the homosexual evildoers, who defy the will...

Trump Names Egypt’s Sisi Acting Defense Secretary

Trump Names Egypt’s Sisi Acting Defense Secretary

In a move that has alarmed Democrats, US President Donald Trump named Egyptian President Abdel Fattah al-Sisi, who came to power in a 2013 coup d’état, to replace former Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. The move comes amid fears that Trump will refuse to leave office following his loss to former Vice President Joe Biden in last week’s election. Sisi’s...

Biden Vows to Continue Trump’s Fight Against Satanic Pedophile Ring
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Biden Vows to Continue Trump’s Fight Against Satanic Pedophile Ring

Promising that there would be no daylight between his administration and his predecessor’s on the issue, President-elect Joe Biden vowed that his top priority upon taking office will be breaking up the satanic pedophile ring of Democratic politicians, Hollywood actors, religious figures and government officials that has been secretly ruling the world. “We must waste no time in battling climate...

Al Qaeda Mistakenly Attacks Four Seasons Landscaping Business

Al Qaeda Mistakenly Attacks Four Seasons Landscaping Business

A terrorist attack at Four Seasons Total Landscaping caused one death and thousands of dollars of damages following a miscommunication between al Qaeda’s command and a suicide bomber. Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri had ordered the suicide bomber, Muhammad al-Upsi, to strike the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia, a luxury establishment frequented by wealthy westerners. But when al-Upsi entered “Four...

Dems Plan to Win Back Muslim Vote by Using Term ‘Muslimx’
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Dems Plan to Win Back Muslim Vote by Using Term ‘Muslimx’

With exit polls showing US President Donald Trump making gains among Muslim voters, Democratic leaders have announced plans to rename the religion ‘Islamx’ and its followers ‘Muslimx’ in an effort to be more inclusive. “It is clear that our messaging was not reaching Muslim communities as we expected, and we believe using colonialist heteronormative patriarchal terms like ‘Muslim’ and ‘Islam’...

Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies
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Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies

Conceding that former Vice President Joe Biden has won round one of the presidential election, Donald Trump said his campaign plans to take a short break before gearing up for round two of the best-of-three election series. “Biden might have just barely won the first election because of the crooked media and rigged vote counters, but with your support I...

Stacey Abrams Declares Herself President
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Stacey Abrams Declares Herself President

Calling it the honor of a lifetime, former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams is reportedly preparing to deliver her acceptance speech as the president-elect of the United States of America. “Being elected governor of Georgia was both an honor and a humbling experience, but it pales in comparison to becoming the president,” Abrams told The Mideast Beast. “The fact that...

ISIS Declares Premature Victory in Syrian Civil War

ISIS Declares Premature Victory in Syrian Civil War

Inspired by President Donald Trump the so-called Islamic State of Iraq and Syria has declared victory in the still ongoing Syrian Civil War. The declaration came after Trump announced his election victory before all of the votes have been counted. “We have won,” proclaimed the Caliph. “We are winning big in Aleppo; we are going to win the battles with...

Satire Writers Storm Pennsylvania Voting Center to Stop the Count
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Satire Writers Storm Pennsylvania Voting Center to Stop the Count

Panicked over the prospect of President Donald Trump’s exit from office, satirical writers have surrounded voting centers in the Philadelphia area to stop the counting of votes and prevent former Vice President Joe Biden from taking the lead in the crucial swing state. Chanting “Stop the count!” and “Four more years!” hundreds of writers from satirical publications across the political...