Politics
Hillary Clinton to Run for President of Syria
DAMASCUS — Acknowledging that it is her best shot at becoming president, former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced the she will move to Syria and challenge President Bashar al-Assad in the next election. “I gave America two chances to elect me president, and they blew it both times,” Clinton said in press conference announcing her candidacy. “Now, I have no choice but to take my talents to Damascus.” Clinton, who lost in the Democratic primary in 2008 and...
Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers
Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...
The Mideast Beast Presents the Fill-in-the-Blank Israeli-Palestinian Conflict News Template
Are you a reporter who finds reporting the news on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict incredibly tedious and unvaried? Does it seem like every news story you write sounds the same, offering little-to-no varied perspective or alternative context? Fortunately for you, our idiot brilliant writers at The Mideast Beast have created a template so you can take your reporting to even lazier and shallower levels! Just fill in the blanks and you can report on anything! Date Line: Jerusalem, Israel or Al-Quds,...
Iraqi Government Receives Online Applications from DC
Iraqi prime minister, Adel Abdul-Mahdi, has confirmed that the recent invitation for online applications for cabinet positions has had a surprisingly high number of applications from the Washington, DC region. “We were clear that this was only open to Iraqi nationals,” a spokesman for the PM commented. “However, we will say we were impressed by the enthusiasm and experience of many of the DC applications. Who knew there was such a large Iraqi expat community cluster. We were particularly impressed...
Jewish, Arab Colleagues Endure Middle East Questions from Co-Workers
Yoni Hertzelshtein and Yusuf Habibi, have yet again had their morning cigarette break interrupted by a colleague wanting to understand ‘all that crazy stuff happening over there’. The pair, who work in the marketing department for Tampon manufacturer Kimberly-Clark, explained this is not a unique occurrence. “When things are really kicking off we can expect inane questions at any time of the day. We can start off a meeting talking about how we plan to promote our newest heavy-flow super-absorbent...
Bacon Sandwiches Encourage Israeli-Palestinian Peace
International peace efforts for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict were recently given a boost by the introduction of bacon sandwiches to the breakfast buffet in Cairo. Dore Steinwitz, professional Israeli apologist, commented, “these are mental! Why did no one ever tell me about these before? I admit that since the invention of the refrigerator, I’ve been a little hazy on the need for the ‘no pig’ rules. But I never realized how batshit crazy they tasted. To be honest I’d be willing to open...
Trump Says He’ll Lift Sanctions if Iran Keeps Farrakhan
Offering the ayatollahs what he called the “ultimate deal,” US President Donald Trump has offered to lift all sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran if they agree to keep Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan. Farrakhan, who is visiting Iran, made headlines for leading a “Death to America” chant during his visit. Though Trump had previously promised to ratchet up sanctions, he is now willing to end his efforts to isolate the country in order to be rid of...
Reacting to Burqa Bans, Arab States Crack Down on Man Buns
In response to legislation in Austria, Denmark and France banning Muslim women from wearing the burqa, Muslim countries across the Middle East have begun cracking down on young to middle-aged white men sporting “man buns”. Saudi Arabia was the first to issue a “man bun ban,” calling the hairstyle a threat to national security. Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan soon followed suit. “Potential terrorists can hide weapons or explosives in these man buns, putting innocent lives at risk,” Iranian President Hassan...
Freed Saudi Prince Disputes Minibar Bill
Prince Khaled bin Talal is locked in a war of words with the Riyadh Ritz-Carlton over minibar charges which he says have nothing to do with him. A spokesman for the Prince stated, “He’s been pretty chill about being locked up by his nephew for the last year on pretty ambiguous ‘corruption’ charges. But this is a step too far. He is adamant that he never touched those mini-sized bottles of soft drinks, the pretzels or packets of M&Ms. I...
Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp
ISRAEL — In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. I figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn on my iPhone. That’s when Ahmed, a Palestinian camper, saw what I was looking at. I thought ‘shit, now I’m...
Recruiting Kanye Not Worth It, ISIS Decides
Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation over his support for US President Donald Trump. “Aggrieved young men from middle class backgrounds who are insecure about their masculinity,...
Saudis Claim Khashoggi Was Hillary in a Wig
In the latest of a string of increasingly desperate calls to the White House, Crown Prince bin Salman has claimed that the reporter known as ‘Jamal Khashoggi’ was in fact former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, acting out an elaborate deep state, Soros led, black-op to cause a division in the US-Saudi relationship. A spokesman for the Prince commented, “So to be honest we were running out of options. Even John Bolton wasn’t buying that Kamal was a dangerous radical...
Doubling down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream
In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish targets and small pebbles referencing the rocks thrown at Israeli tanks and cars. “Alongside all those nutty chunks, this pint packs a powerful message under...
“Israeli-Palestinian Peace Unlikely During My Term in Power”, God Admits
HEAVEN — On Thursday evening, God acknowledged that a negotiated settlement to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict “is not in the cards” during his remaining time in power. “While God believes steps can be taken to minimize violence and perhaps set the table for future negotiations, He has determined that a final status agreement is beyond reach for the foreseeable future,” one of God’s senior advisors told The Mideast Beast. “At this point, God’s goal is simply to preserve the possibility of a...
War Reporters Disappointed to Learn That Yemen Just Always Looked Like That
Arriving in Sana’a, Yemen, 24-hour cable news reporters thought they’d struck gold. As CNN’s Bud Fugg explained, “The whole place is totally destroyed. Ruins! What visuals!” Yet as Fugg and his colleagues began collecting footage and talking to locals, they were disappointed to learn that this was pretty much how the city always looked. “Turns out,” reported a mournful Fugg, “that the place has always been a massive shit hole.” Other reporters told of similar experiences. “My guy is filming this...
Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when Netanyahu...
Israelis and Palestinians Demand End to 50 Cent-Ja Rule Conflict
Declaring that the both sides in the dispute need to put the past behind them, Israelis and Palestinians have come together to call for an end to the longstanding conflict between rappers Ja Rule and 50 Cent. The joint plea for peace between the two New York City rappers comes after 50 Cent reignited the feud when he bought 200 front-row seat tickets to Ja Rule’s concert in Arlington, Texas. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas offered to host peace talks, declaring that...
All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed
In a further bid to control gun violence in America, all Jewish retirees are now to be armed and given full close quarter battle training by SWAT teams. An NRA spokesperson commented, “We fully support the President’s comments that things could have turned out differently if the worshippers had been packing heat. It’s clear that 97-year-old Rose Mallinger could have stood a much better chance if she’d had the ability to shoot back. Probably not a 9mm pistol as the recoil might...
European Court of Human Rights Rules Death Penalty OK for Infidels
Reversing its longstanding opposition to capital punishment, the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) ruled that the death penalty is admissible in cases when the defendant does not accept Prophet Muhammed as his or her savior. “While we remain generally opposed to any government ending the lives of even the worst criminals, people who reject the divinity of the Prophet Muhammed, May Peace Be Upon Him, could stir up prejudice and put at risk religious peace,” the recent ruling stated....
Saudis Hire OJ to Find Khashoggi’s Real Killers
In a move aimed at highlighting his commitment to bringing those responsible to justice, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman has hired NFL Hall of Famer OJ Simpson to investigate the killing of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “My primary goal in life is to pursue the real killer or killers of Jamal. They are out there somewhere,” the Saudi leader said in a press conference. “And there is no one who knows more about finding real killers than OJ Simpson.” The Saudi...