Politics
UN Human Rights Council: Shoot (Your Mouth Off) First, Ask Questions Later
In a vote for an inquiry regarding the recent clashes at Israel’s border with Hamas-controlled Gaza, Australia voted against the resolution on the basis that “The UNHRC resolution pre-judged the outcome of an inquiry”. Britain abstained from the vote on the basis that it could not support an investigation that ignored Hamas’s role, and any media coverage of the conflict might interfere with celebration of Meghan and Harry’s wedding. UNHRC chief, Zeid Ra’ad al-Hussein (who has no ingrained bias against Israel), has responded...
Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag
In a negotiating blunder, US President Donald Trump has agreed to lift all economic sanctions on the North Korean regime and withdraw American troops from the peninsula in exchange for a lifetime supply of North Korean t-shirts, hats and paraphernalia. Reeling from sanctions and fearing a military strike, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un entered the meeting prepared to dismantle his nuclear program, release all political prisoners and allow for democratic elections. Seated across from Trump, Kim began, “In exchange for...
Gazans Officially Run Out of Things to Set Fire To
Following weeks of protests and riots along the Gaza border with Israel as part of their “March of Return”, one Hamas spokesman has announced that Gaza has officially run out of things to set fire to, and has declared a state of emergency. “It’s official”, the spokesman said in a statement, “we’ve literally run out of things to burn. We’ve got nothing, zilch, nada. Frankly, this is a disaster as it will leave tens of thousands of Gazans even more...
Hamas Officially Changes Name to ‘Unarmed Protestors’
The Palestinian Islamic Resistance Movement, previously known as Hamas, has agreed to change its name to “Unarmed Protestors,” saving scores of newspaper editors and humans rights organizations from being forced to issue corrections. The name change comes after Hamas admitted that most Palestinians killed last week on the Gaza border were members of the militant group, contradicting claims in publications like the Washington Post as well as from politicians including Bernie Sanders. Media and other organizations that had criticized Israel for...
Laurel and Yanny Mideast Style
In one of the latest viral internet stories, a recording of the word “Laurel” is heard by many as “Yanny”. While the original recording was actually “Laurel”, the alternate version can be heard if the individual has a deficiency hearing certain frequencies, or if certain frequency information is deliberately lowered and others are intentionally increased. A number of similar phrases have been identified in the Middle East, including “We will take down the border and we will tear their hearts...
Trump on Gaza Border Killings: “We Could’ve Killed Twice That Many in Half the Time.”
While many world leaders have been quick to condemn the killing of nearly 60 Palestinian protestors at the Gaza border, President Donald Trump has not only defended the action but has even gone so far as to say it was insufficient. Late Tuesday evening he tweeted, “If anything, Israel has been too soft on the Palestinians. We could’ve killed twice that many, in half the time. Sad!” The following morning, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the president’s...
Hamas Denounces Tyrants for Stealing Headlines, World’s Attention
In a rare outburst, the leaders of Gaza have harsh words against Syria’s President Assad. When asked if this was because of the thousands of Palestinians killed by the Syrian regime including dozens during the recent the bombing of the Yarmouk refugee camp, Ismail Haniyeh replied “Sure there’s that. But we’re really pissed about his chemical weapon attacks at the time of our protests stealing our headlines”. He continued: “We’ve been working for weeks trying to get enough Palestinians killed or injured to get on the front...
‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel
With the international community up in arms over the death count in Gaza, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has issued a statement reminding Israel that he has not forgiven its leader for serving dessert in a shoe during a state dinner. “It is distasteful in our culture to wear shoes in the house, and to place one on the dinner table is simply appalling,” Abe said during a UN debate over Israel’s use of force against Palestinians trying to breach...
Wag the Embassy…(new TMB podcast)
On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone gives her firsthand account of the new US embassy, located in her remarkable neighborhood of Jerusalem (not unremarkable, as falsely reported by CNN). Host Alex Giles gets in a few words and speaks about the reaction to the embassy in Gaza, with the protest and death toll rising. Will it be an all out war between Israel and Gaza, or between Molly and Alex? Tune in. The Mideast Beast podcasts are...
Palestinians Declare East Tel Aviv Their Capital
In response to the opening ceremony on Monday of the new US Embassy in Jerusalem, the Palestinian Authority has announced that they intend to seek international recognition for a future state of Palestine’s capital to be East Tel Aviv. It is understood that in retaliation to the American action and a growing list of other countries’ joining the move inland, the Palestinians are calling on the rest of the international community to set up embassies to Palestine in fun-loving Tel...
IDF to transfer Palestinian Sewage System to Terror Tunnels
In an amicable gesture of peace and cooperation, Prime Minister Netanyahu is expected to announce the transfer of all Palestinian civilian sewage responsibility directly to Hamas’ expertly engineered terror tunnels. This olive branch, a giant leap forward in Israeli-Palestinian relations, seeks to mimic the same working relationship that Israel shares with Jordan. Netanyahu’s office released a supportive message on the matter: “It is important for Hamas to develop a strong sense of self-sustainability. What better way to promote a job...
Palestinians Call Off Protests After Hearing Pastor Jeffress’s Views
Hamas leaders in Gaza have called off protests against the opening of the US Embassy in Jerusalem after discovering that Pastor Robert Jeffress, who delivered the opening prayer, held similar beliefs to the terror group. “This guy has said that Jews are going to hell, that Hitler was sent by God, and that the Holy Land should never be divided,” Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh told The Mideast Beast. “I can’t believe that we were ever fighting.” After reading about Jeffress’s...
BBC Mistakenly Publishes Video About Israeli Eurovision Winner Despite Occupation
The Israeli winner of the 2018 Eurovision contest has been riling up quite the media frenzy- not because of her weight, culturally appropriated performance, or raunchy feminist message. The BBC has mistakenly produced a video of the Israeli singer after her Eurovision win this weekend, which left out the vital messages of oppression of Palestinians and destruction of their homeland by Israelis. The BBC clarified their stance on accusations of anti-Semitism in the wake of the video: “Although we cannot...
Liberal American Jewish Groups: No Room in the Peace Process for New Ideas
Since President Donald Trump’s confirmation of Jerusalem as the Capital of the State of Israel, with the new US Embassy opening today, many liberal Jewish groups in the US have stated that they do not support the President’s position; chief among them is J Street, the political organization that describes itself as “the political home for pro-peace people who don’t live in any danger of rockets or terrorism.” In a statement, J Street’s Executive Director Jeremy Ben Ami said that the...
From Stoned to Scotch: Sarah Tuttle-Singer Gets Real About Israel (New TMB Podcast!)
On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone digs in and deep (that’s what she said) with blogger and author of Jerusalem, Drawn and Quartered, Sarah Tuttle-Singer. Sarah shares her intimate moments, struggles, scotch and thoughts on the complicated Middle East, Israel and her time spent as an interloper in the Old City of Jerusalem. Girlfriend doesn’t hold anything back. Legit, there’s even a moment of karaoke. Jerusalem, Drawn and Quartered The Mideast Beast podcasts are available on iTunes...
Al-Qaeda “Definitely Not Doing Anything These Days”
Speaking to The Mideast Beast, al-Qaeda has confirmed that they are absolutely, positively not doing anything these days. Muhammad Babaganoush al-Sadiki, an al-Qaeda commander in Syria, commented, “Nope, not really up to anything these days. Just farming, and chilling, and not raising money or making chemical weapons. Expand into India? That’s crazy. What would we be doing in Yemen? We’ve never even been to North Africa! And don’t worry, we’re also definitely not putting aside our religious beliefs to work with...
Israeli Military Thrilled That Iran is Stepping Up
The Israel Defense Force (IDF) is reportedly giddy with excitement that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is putting on its big boy shoes and coming out to play. As rockets rained down on the Golan Heights, soldiers were seen high-fiving each other whilst applying ‘Next Stop Tehran’ stickers to the turrets of their tanks. A senior officer commented, “We’ve checked Google Maps this morning, and it seems a pretty straight forward route. We anticipate some delays around the Baghdad ring road, but only...
US Left Reels as Ta-Nehisi Coates Revealed as Bot
The American Left has lost its pre-eminent thinker, as The Atlantic national correspondent Ta-Nehisi Coates has been discovered to be a Russian bot programmed to write 10,000-word essays tying the day’s lead news item to slavery and segregation. “It was quite simple, really,” Alexei Sokolov, a 26-year-old programmer from Novosibirsk, told The Mideast Beast. “We just programmed 15,000 pages of Howard Zinn books into the bot, and trained it to plug in the day’s top trending topic using the linguistic...
The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War
The American Left has admitted that it misses the days when it didn’t have to be mad about bombing foreign countries. Dick Meskil, a liberal from Berkeley, California, explained his frustration, “Remember when President Obama ordered a drone strike killing a 16-year-old American kid? Now if it had been Bush or Trump, I would have been really mad, but deep in my heart, I knew Obama could be trusted. That teenager was definitely a threat to American security!” “Now I’ll...
Kerry to Help Iran Build Nuclear Weapon Through ‘Shadow Enrichment’
Vowing to finish what he started as Secretary of State, John Kerry is reportedly studying nuclear fission with the aim of building an atomic bomb for the Iranian regime. After hearing that US President Donald Trump was likely to exit the nuclear deal he helped negotiate, Kerry ordered several textbooks on nuclear physics before booking a one-way ticket to Tehran. The Mideast Beast caught up with Kerry at the Fordow enrichment plant outside Qom, where he was furiously attempting to...