Politics
Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval
JERUSALEM — In his latest response to the UN Security Council’s resolution condemning his county’s settlement activity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has broken off all diplomatic relations with the city of Tel Aviv. “No one will tell us where Jews can or cannot build homes – not the UN, and certainly not those smug Tel Aviv liberals,” Netanyahu said in a statement announcing his latest move. “If these Israelis consider themselves real Jews, they should move to Amona [a...
ISIS Blames Low Poll Numbers on “Terrorist Harassment”
An ISIS spokesman today complained that only a constant pattern of “fake news” was holding their global poll numbers down in what he called “terrorist harassment”. “We’re just doing all these amazing things around worldwide jihad. Chopping off heads, blowing shit up, keeping the infidels in a constant state of panic. But we just constantly struggle to get our numbers above 50%. We blame the Western media with their constant barrage of articles suggesting that mass carnage and bloodshed are ‘a...
Ocasio-Cortez Blasts Maccabees for Using Oil Instead of Renewables
Calling for a government ban on Hanukkah celebrations, Congresswoman-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez blasted the Maccabees for using oil instead of wind or solar power to light their menorah. Hanukkah celebrates the Maccabees – a group of rebel Jewish warriors in the second century BC – rededicating the Second Temple in Jerusalem and making one day’s worth of ritual olive oil burn for eight nights. The incoming congresswoman, however, tweeted that the Maccabees “are clearly in the pockets of big oil” and...
Trump Demands Khashoggi’s Death Certificate
Once again questioning his intelligence community’s conclusions on the killing, US President Donald Trump is now demanding to see slain journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s death certificate. “Listen, if this Jamal guy wants to prove he was murdered by the Saudis, then he should just show us his death certificate,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “If he can’t then he isn’t dead, which means he couldn’t have been killed by the Saudis.” Trump said he had sent a team to Hawaii to...
Prince bin Salman to Senator Graham, “Well You’d Know What ‘Crazy’ Fucking Looks Like”
The Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia has expressed some surprise that South Carolina Senator, Lindsey Graham, couldn’t think of anyone closer to home that was “crazy and dangerous.” “Really, really? No one springs to mind? No one just down the street from you? Big guy tweets a lot. Ringing any bells?” “Mohammed give me strength. Look, yes, it may or may not be true that I may or may not have given the green light to sticking a US resident...
Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars
Following the successful launch of his SpaceX rocket into orbit, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the whole goddamn Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing the remaining earthlings the headache, war and wasted tax dollars caused by the region, Musk also has a plan to turn Mars into...
Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children
Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus told The Mideast Beast. “The low price and abundance of natural gas make it a natural transition.” Santa also considered instead purchasing crude oil from...
Marc Lamont Hill Calls for Jewish Homeland in the Mediterranean Sea
Defending himself against accusations of anti-Semitism after calling for a Palestine “from the river to the sea,” former CNN analyst Marc Lamont Hill now says he welcomes a Jewish homeland at the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea. “In calling for the elimination of all Jews between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean, I am endorsing a Jewish presence in the sea, in the river, or anyplace else where they won’t bother any Palestinians,” Hill said in an op-ed. “It deeply...
Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages
A new academic study has suggested that Middle East conflicts may never come to an end because the warring sides all have incompatible love languages. “The primary Palestinian love language is physical touch, you see, whereas Israel’s is receiving gifts. This has caused all sorts of problems”, the author of the ground-breaking study writes. “In recent years, Palestinians have really loved exacting the physical touch aspect on Israel, with numerous young Palestinians stabbing and assaulting Israelis. Because physical touch isn’t...
Experts Confirm War in Yemen Would Worsen with Fewer Bombs
Analysts have agreed with the views of Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, that cutting off the supply of American high explosives to the Saudi Air Force would make the lives of Yemeni civilians immeasurably less bearable. A spokesman for the Department of Defense commented, “You have to understand the average Yemeni now has very little access to free entertainment. The excitement and wonder caused by the sudden roar of a fighter-bomber overhead coupled with the...
Saudi Arabia Applauds Decision to Remove Wonder Woman As UN Ambassador For Female Empowerment
Saudi Arabia’s representative to the UN Human Rights Council has made a statement applauding the decision of UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon to not renew Wonder Woman’s status as the ambassador for female empowerment. The Saudi’s objections to Wonder Woman echoed complaints of many feminists that she was a culturally insensitive and overtly sexualized character with “a shimmery, thigh-baring bodysuit with an American flag motif, knee-high boots”, and small albeit perfect, breasts. The Saudi Representative also added that Wonder Woman...
ISIS Disappointed to Find Few Middle Easterners in Caravan
With a caravan of Latin American migrants finally reaching the US border, leaders of the Syria-based terrorist group ISIS are reportedly disappointed to see few potential supporters in the group. “We were so excited when Supreme Leader Trump promised that there were criminals and unknown Middle Easterners making their way into the land of the infidels,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “We thought when these mujahedeen finally made it to the border, there would be jihad all over the place.”...
ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’
Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus, most...
Khashoggi Probably Not a Real Person, Trump Says
In another effort to absolve the Saudi regime of the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, US President Donald Trump now says that the Washington Post journalist was “probably not even a real person anyway.” “Listen, we have no proof that this Jamal Pierogi (sic) guy even existed,” Trump said after the CIA released a report concluding that Khashoggi did exist and that his murder was ordered by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. “I mean, maybe he was and maybe he...
DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’
Speaking before a packed United Nations General Assembly, rapper-producer DJ Khaled has pitched a bold plan for resolving one of the world’s most intractable conflicts: the creation of a binational state in the Holy Land, with hip hop as its only religion. According to the Snapchat superpower’s peace proposal, Israel, the West Bank and Gaza Strip would be united as a single state called ‘WeTheBesti-istan’, with Khaled as President for Life and Jewish reggae superstar Matisyahu as Vice-President for Life. Khaled,...
White House Confirms First Thanksgiving Saudi Prince Pardon
The White House today announced the start of a new tradition for this holiday season with Sarah Sanders stating, “President Trump knows that the American people elected him to transform this country, and what better place to continue that journey than by vastly improving our traditions. So, starting this holiday he will be picking one member of the Saudi Royal Family to receive a very special gift: a full Presidential pardon, for any crimes they may, or we must stress very...
Turkey’s President Erdogan Advises Pelosi on Putting Down a Coup
In an effort to fend off a challenge for her party’s leadership, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has hired Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to advise on putting down an attempted coup d’etat. “Just as I am on the verge of amassing the power I have dreamed of for years, these rebels try to take it all away from me,” Pelosi said, referring to 16 Democrats who publicly opposed her election as Speaker of the House. “I needed advice from someone...
Don Jr. Offers to Listen to Killing Tape for Dad
President Trump’s eldest child stepped in over the weekend, offering to listen to the tape supplied by the Turkish security services of the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. A White House insider commented, “His dad didn’t want to listen on account of it being a ‘suffering tape, a terrible tape’, but Junior was all like, ‘it’s cool, I can listen while I’m in the gym getting my six pack in shape.’” “So far, we think he’s listened to it over...
Saudi Crown Prince Says He Ordered Khashoggi Killing on Ambien
With the CIA concluding that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman ordered the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the crown prince now claims he had taken Ambien before sending a team to Istanbul to kill the reporter. “I am not a murderer, just an idiot,” bin Salman told The Mideast Beast. “I took an Ambien to fall asleep, and it seemed like a good idea to send a 15-man team to Turkey to assassinate and dismember a Washington Post columnist...
Hamas Files Suit Against Margaret Atwood
HOLLYWOOD: Hamas lawyers have filed a suit in Los Angeles Supreme Court against author Margaret Atwood, and the producers of the TV series based on her novel “The Handmaid’s Tale” “The Handmaid’s Tale” is a dystopian story of a fanatical religious patriarchal authoritarian regime which is homophobic and misogynistic. “This is clear cultural appropriation”, according to Hamas spokesman Mahmud Ofyassir. “Gilead is just Gaza with American accents”, he said. In her defense, Ms Atwood pointed out that her novel was...