Entertainment

God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet

God Not Ready to Go Back to Work Yet

In the US, Americans are demanding that they be allowed to go back to worshiping in churches, and in Israel, the Chief Rabbi is demanding that synagogues and other religious institutions be opened. Everyone is ready to get back to religious observance except for one important figure: God The Almighty One, blessed be He says that he is just not ready to go back to working from the office yet, and that he really enjoyed the last two months on...

Assad Resigns as Syrian President to Launch Podcast

Assad Resigns as Syrian President to Launch Podcast

Inspired by comedian Joe Rogan’s $100 million deal with Spotify, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad says he will resign his position as president to focus on launching a news and culture podcast. It is not clear what will happen when Assad, whose efforts to cling to power have left to more than half a million dead, exits politics, as the strongman has no clear successor. But Assad did tell reporters that his podcast, to be called “The Kids Are Alawite,” will...

Mel Gibson Transitions in Aim to Become ‘Miss Hitler 2020’

Mel Gibson Transitions in Aim to Become ‘Miss Hitler 2020’

Actor and director Mel Gibson announced that she has transitioned and now identifies as a woman, a move that came a day before Gibson declared her candidacy in the controversial “Miss Hitler 2020” pageant. “I’ve always kept the real me buried deep inside, but it’s time to stop hiding and let my spirit shine,” said Gibson, who will now go by the first name ‘Eva.’ Gibson immediately announced her candidacy for the Miss Hitler pageant, which features woman clad in...

International Criminal Court Accuses Israel of “Killing Pallywood Actor Three Times”

International Criminal Court Accuses Israel of “Killing Pallywood Actor Three Times”

The International Criminal Court (ICC) accuses Israel of “brutally killing Pallywood’s movie star Mohamed al-Duracell three times.” ICC Chief Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda spoke to The Mideast Beast while finalizing the conclusions of the slightly predetermined probe concerning Israeli crimes. “Killing someone three times is a very serious crime that the ICC does not take lightly. Our human rights loving Saudi donors have also asked us to probe the obvious link between virulent Zionism and COVID-19.” Bensouda dismissed criticism that “Palestine”...

Egyptian-Israeli Sci-Fi Rift Deepens as Cairo Admits ‘We’ve Never Seen Star Wars’

Egyptian-Israeli Sci-Fi Rift Deepens as Cairo Admits ‘We’ve Never Seen Star Wars’

Already incensed by the release of an Egyptian sci-fi series that predicts its destruction, Israel has completely lost its cool with its neighbor on discovering they only have a vague understanding of what a ‘Jedi’ is. In a late-night WhatsApp exchange Egypt stated, “Is that the one with Captain Kirk? Look to be honest we only really enjoy this stuff where you guys get a good kicking. Have you seen World War Z? That’s a brilliant one, watching all those...

Celebrities: ‘People Should Take Annual Week in Quarantine to Commemorate “Scary and Unsettling” Mansion Lockdown’

Celebrities: ‘People Should Take Annual Week in Quarantine to Commemorate “Scary and Unsettling” Mansion Lockdown’

Celebrities on coronavirus lockdown are proposing that the world “take a week of quarantine” every year to commemorate the “scary and unsettling” time they went through and the unique insights it has given them. “I think that everyone should take a week of quarantine every year just to remember this time,” said British actor Idris Elba, who said he and his wife were lucky not to suffer serious symptoms of the virus. “Being on lockdown has definitely been a scary, unsettling and...

Hollywood: People Should Take Annual Week in Quarantine to Commemorate “Scary and Unsettling” Mansion Lockdown

Hollywood: People Should Take Annual Week in Quarantine to Commemorate “Scary and Unsettling” Mansion Lockdown

Celebrities on coronavirus lockdown are proposing that the world “take a week of quarantine” every year to commemorate the “scary and unsettling” time they went through and the unique insights it has given them. “I think that everyone should take a week of quarantine every year just to remember this time,” said British actor Idris Elba, who said he and his wife were lucky not to suffer serious symptoms of the virus. “Being on lockdown has definitely been a scary,...

BDS: ‘Fine, You Can Watch Fauda’

BDS: ‘Fine, You Can Watch Fauda’

The leadership of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions (BDS) movement announced that even if you are dedicated to the destruction of Israel, it is permitted to watch Fauda. The decision was announced along with other allowance such as permission to use any Israeli-made vaccines for the virus after they decided that its members were probably going to watch it anyway. The leader of the movement, Omar Barghouti, tweeted that they could watch the show without betraying the movement because it...

Trump Bans Roger Daltrey in Escalation of Conflict with the WHO

Trump Bans Roger Daltrey in Escalation of Conflict with the WHO

Stepping up his attacks on the World Health Organization, US President Donald Trump has banned Roger Daltrey, the front man for the British rock band The Who, from entering the country. “The WHO is totally doing the bidding of China and has been very unfair to me, and a lot of people are telling me that this Roger guy is the leader of the WHO,” Trump said during his daily news briefing Saturday. “I’ve already cut off funding for the...

ISIS Fashion Week Unveils Trendy COVID-19 Resistant Unisex Burka

ISIS Fashion Week Unveils Trendy COVID-19 Resistant Unisex Burka

While the Paris fashion weeks were recently cancelled due to the pandemic, ISIS fashion week, which took place in a Syrian prison, proudly unveiled a trendy COVID-19 resistant unisex burka. ISIS’ chief fashion designer Mohammed Saladin who was educated at the prestigious New York Liberal Fashion School for Inclusive Oppression, enthusiastically spoke to The Mideast Beast about his innovative virus-resistant burka. “In accordance with 21st century customs, my advanced unisex burka offers equal oppression opportunities for males, females and transgenders....

Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa Against Carole Baskin

Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa Against Carole Baskin

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has issued a fatwa, or religious decree, against American animal rights activist Carole Baskin, accusing the big cat enthusiast of killing her husband. “The Quran and many hadiths warn explicitly not to feed your husband to a herd of tigers,” Khamenei exclaimed. “If that infidel Carole Baskin does not repent and accept Allah, I order my faithful followers to bring her to justice by freeing all her cats.” Khamenei’s interest in the case, recently spotlighted...

Bored Quarantined Celebs Work on Middle East Peace Plan

Bored Quarantined Celebs Work on Middle East Peace Plan

Antonio Guterres, Secretary-General of the United Nations, delivered breaking news on Friday when he tweeted that Lady Gaga had found the time to talk to him recently about her recent work on peacemaking in the Middle East. “@ladygaga I am so touched that you are spending this moment in your bored #stayathome routine to try and bring peace to the #MiddleEast” tweeted the 70-year old Guterres. “You and your distinguished colleagues are great humanitarians, acting as amazing role models for...

MC Hammer to Lead Sanders’ Economic Team

MC Hammer to Lead Sanders’ Economic Team

Responding to criticism that his spending plan would result in a $25 trillion shortfall, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced he has appointed rapper and noted fiscal authority MC Hammer to serve as lead economic advisor. “It’s not a radical idea to say that every American deserves free healthcare, free education, and a summer camp,” Sanders said during a press conference. “But those racist, sexist billionaires at the Congressional Budget Office claim that my plan would bankrupt the country by my...

PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects

PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects

The PLO movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ shocked the movie industry by winning the Oscar for “Best Fake News Special Effects.” CNN, which was involved in the PLO movie project, won the Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor.” An impressed Steven Spielberg told The Mideast Beast: “I’ve done ‘Jaws’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ but nobody beats PLO in staging massacres and faking ancient civilizations. Infidelity-friendly Hollywood infidels can learn a great deal from Jihad-friendly Pallywood.” Self-described progressive singer turned Middle East expert John Legend...

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

The Mideast Beast is announcing several cutbacks following the continued buffoonery of President Donald Trump. Although the President has condemned the publication as “fake, maybe even the fakest news”, it was not his censure, but his actions, which have led to the dramatic restructuring at The Mideast Beast. Senior Researcher at the Washington Institute of Funny Shit on the Internet, Dr. Fanny Josiah, stated in a research report that The Mideast Beast has got off lightly, as satirists worldwide have...

Tlaib Disappointed to Learn Lizzo Not Saying ‘Blame it on the Jews’

Tlaib Disappointed to Learn Lizzo Not Saying ‘Blame it on the Jews’

Democratic Rep. Rashida Tlaib has demanded that the iTunes store refund her purchase of Lizzo’s new hit single “Juice” after the congresswoman discovered the singer is not saying “Blame it on the Jews.” Tlaib said she heard the popular song on the radio and rushed to purchase the single due to what she believed was its powerful message. “I thought that I had stumbled upon more than a catchy tune. This was my entire political platform set to music,” Tlaib...

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by the attack, especially after the diplomatic letter sent by the Beverly Hills Ambassador to Iran, Ms. Rose McGowan. Survivors surveyed...

US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal

US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal

The United States State Department has confirmed that Jared Kushner has taken on the trade negotiations with African superpower Wakanda. A spokesman stated, “Jared is clearly the best placed official to take on this challenge. After all he’s spent all of 2019 dealing with such fantastical places as ‘Palestine’, and the mind-bending concept of a ‘Two-State Solution’. I mean come on, ‘Two States’? That’s as laughable as another Fantastic Four reboot.” A Palestinian negotiator commented, “I swear if we told...

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Responding to a US Senate bill condemning the Armenian genocide, Turkey’s parliament has passed a unanimous resolution condemning the Kardashian family for crimes against humanity. “The real Armenian Genocide is the one that these sisters are committing against world culture and common decency,” the resolution stated. “We can no longer ignore the suffering of countless victims, who have lost countless hours of their lives watching those stupid shows.” The bill called for a moment of silence for all Turkish youths...

Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate

Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate

In a move aimed at highlighting their party’s diversity, the Democratic Party announced that Palestinian-American rapper DJ Khaled will take the debate stage alongside the party’s six leading white candidates. The decision came amid concern among Democratic leaders that all candidates to qualify for the debate would be white following Senator Kamala Harris’s withdrawal from the race. “We are the party of diversity, so it’s not the best look when our top six candidates are 5 and 1023/1024 Caucasian,” Democratic...