Entertainment

Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East

Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East

Saying that the nation’s involvement in the region does “not spark joy,” newly-named Defense Secretary Marie Kondo announced she will withdraw all US troops and diplomats from the Middle East. President Trump’s surprise pick to replace Jim Mattis, Kondo took only 15 seconds to ditch the country’s entire web of alliances and longstanding hostilities and abandon any relations with the Middle East or the rest of the Muslim world. “The secretary examined the country’s troop presence in Afghanistan and Syria,...

‘Couldn’t You Have Said It Was Us?’ al Qaeda Asks Smollett

‘Couldn’t You Have Said It Was Us?’ al Qaeda Asks Smollett

With ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett facing charges over allegedly filing a false police report, Islamist terrorist group al Qaeda has questioned why the actor did not blame them for the reported attack. “All he had to do was say, ‘Yea, I was attacked on the street by two men. They were wearing keffiyehs and shouting Allahu Akbar,’’ al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri explained in a Tweet. “We would have claimed responsibility, there would be no police investigation, and all of a...

ISIS Leadership asks, “Are we in the Sixth Sense?”

ISIS Leadership asks, “Are we in the Sixth Sense?”

ISIS leaders are increasingly concerned that they may in fact be emulating Bruce Willis’ role in the supernatural thriller. A spokesman said, “President Trump keeps claiming we are beaten, but we still appear to be here. However, we know the President is a highly truthful man. So that leads us to the only logical conclusion. Were we really dead the whole time?” “We’ve been looking back to meetings we’ve had with Western journalists, and actually when we think about it...

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

In an attempt to regain some of the attention which has dissipated to ISIS in recent years, Al Qaeda is set to publish a provocatively titled new fighting manual and will be hosting their first book launch next week. Entitled “Fifty Shades of Jihad”, the manual is marketed as a “guide for both the expert and the uninitiated in the world of radical Islamism” and is said to “encompass all the intricate and often sensual facets of Quranic-inspired terrorism”. A...

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ATLANTA — Authorities in Atlanta have uncovered the largest ISIS sleeper cell ever found on US soil, with the terror outpost found in R&B star Robert “R.” Kelly’s basement. Detectives say R. Kelly had been using his uplifting lyrics and seductive voice to draw in and brainwash recruits, even recording reworked classics such as “Trapped in the Caliph’s Closet”, “Behead and Grind” and “I Believe I Can Fly…..This Hijacked Plane.” He would meet aspiring artists at his concerts, and recruit them...

ISIS Bans ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ for Not Being Rapey Enough

ISIS Bans ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ for Not Being Rapey Enough

With just weeks until Christmas, the Islamic State has officially banned the popular holiday song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” due to concerns that the song promotes men asking women for consent. “The man in the song repeatedly begs the woman to stay with him overnight instead of simply throwing a burlap sack over her head and declaring her his wife,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a statement announcing the ban. “That is not a message we want to...

Twelve Killed in Mecca During Annual ‘MuhammadCon’ Bar Crawl

Twelve Killed in Mecca During Annual ‘MuhammadCon’ Bar Crawl

In one of the deadliest pub crawls so far this holiday season, 12 people were killed and hundreds injured during Mecca’s annual ‘MuhammadCon’ celebration. The event, in which hundreds of Muslims hit the town dressed as their favorite prophet, has generally turned into a night of public intoxication and drunken rowdiness, much like SantaCon in the US and the Vatican’s ChristCon. Brawls between robe-clad partiers are common and frequently spill over into the streets. “It is the one time of year that...

Israelis and Palestinians Demand End to 50 Cent-Ja Rule Conflict

Israelis and Palestinians Demand End to 50 Cent-Ja Rule Conflict

Declaring that the both sides in the dispute need to put the past behind them, Israelis and Palestinians have come together to call for an end to the longstanding conflict between rappers Ja Rule and 50 Cent. The joint plea for peace between the two New York City rappers comes after 50 Cent reignited the feud when he bought 200 front-row seat tickets to Ja Rule’s concert in Arlington, Texas. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas offered to host peace talks, declaring that...

Taylor Swift to Announce Position on Syrian Civil War

Taylor Swift to Announce Position on Syrian Civil War

After finally declaring her intention to vote for Democrats in the 2018 midterms, crossover pop and country star Taylor Swift is expected to shortly announce which side she supports in Syria’s civil war. “In the past I have been reluctant to publicly voice my opinion on Middle Eastern politics, but due to several events in my life and in the Arab world, I feel very differently now,” Swift said in an Instagram post. “I will soon announce who I plan...

Did President Trump Just Kill Satire?

Did President Trump Just Kill Satire?

Are our leaders evil, stupid…or both? Whatever the answer, the world of satire has its hands full like never before. The newest episode of our podcast series sees the Editor of The Mideast Beast in conversation with Professor Sophia A. McClennen, who’s literally written the book on satire. They discuss satire in the age of Trump, why you shouldn’t worry too much about stupid people, and how to handle satire in a region where you can get hung for a...

Assad Loses Support After Smoking Weed on Joe Rogan Show

Assad Loses Support After Smoking Weed on Joe Rogan Show

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has seen his coalition crumble after the dictator smoked marijuana during an appearance on the Joe Rogan Show. Assad appeared on the popular podcast in an effort to broaden his support by acting more relatable. “People always see me as the politician, or as the soldier fighting ISIS or dropping chemical weapons on Sunni schoolchildren,” Assad said during the interview. “This will give listeners the chance to know Bashar the person, and you know what, I...

‘First Man’ Replaces Buzz Aldrin with Yasser Arafat in Moon Landing

‘First Man’ Replaces Buzz Aldrin with Yasser Arafat in Moon Landing

In an effort to broaden its audience and tone down overly pro-American sentiment, an upcoming biopic of astronaut Neil Armstrong features former Palestine Liberation Organization president Yasser Arafat as Apollo 11’s lunar module pilot. While retired US Air Force Colonel Buzz Aldrin was in fact the pilot and second man to walk on the moon, the directors of “First Man” said that focusing the story of the moon landing on two Americans would undercut the global nature of the achievement....

Prince MBS is a Hot Mess, But Damn He Looks Good on Tinder

Prince MBS is a Hot Mess, But Damn He Looks Good on Tinder

It’s hot in Saudi Arabia, but are there snowflakes this summer? The answer to that is of course not, and it won’t be snowing for a long time if ever, desipe the Fresh Prince of Riyadh and all his modern changes. On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast host Molly Livingstone speaks with Perry Cammack, a fellow in the Middle East Program at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, discussing the behind the scenes mess of human rights, potential wars, and...

Rudy Rochman’s Truth or Dare, and Trump’s Ramadan Diet (Add the Ketchup)

Rudy Rochman’s Truth or Dare, and Trump’s Ramadan Diet (Add the Ketchup)

Throwback Thursday! Don’t miss this great TMB podcast with Rudy Rochman Click to go straight to Sound Cloud While the Mideast Beast Podcast is on summer hiatus, enjoy this classic episode from last year! (Don’t worry, we’ll be back soon with new stuff.) Rudy Rochman, Founder and President of the Columbia University chapter of Students Supporting Israel, shares the BS about BDS, while Molly and Alex explore President Trump’s BDSM ketchup fetish that led him to cancel the annual Ramadan...

Alex Jones Delivers Rational and Thoughtful Response to Internet Ban

Alex Jones Delivers Rational and Thoughtful Response to Internet Ban

In a surprising turn of events, internet talk show host Alex Jones has released a thoughtful and eloquent response to the broad social media Info Wars ban. In a video posted to his website early this morning, Mr. Jones calmly and clearly explained his thoughts on being banned from Apple, YouTube, and Facebook. “In hindsight, I realize that claiming that the US Government’s secret ‘gay bomb’ was leaking and turning the fish gay, without providing real concrete evidence may have undermined...

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ALABAMA – Sharia Twain, the rapidly emerging Salafi-Jihadi country music queen, has launched her US tour in Birmingham, Alabama. The music star is expected to unveil her new single, “Mammas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Shiites.” Originally from Raqqa, Sharia Twain grew up listening to Tim McGraw and the Dixie Chicks in the days before the establishment of the Islamic State. In an interview, the country music star remarked, “I’ve loved country music but I always knew...

Jerusalem Queer Eye for the Straight Rabbi

Jerusalem Queer Eye for the Straight Rabbi

Getting your ass flogged may sound like the latest sex trend, but in the Middle East, it most likely means you were caught being gay, and lucky you weren’t executed. So what is it like to be gay in Jerusalem, the epicenter of controversy and all that is holy (that’s what he said)? On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, Religious Gay Rights Activist, Nadav Schwartz, talks about the Rabbis who think gays are perverts destroying society, holding hands in public,...

ISIS Leader Furious After He’s Pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen

ISIS Leader Furious After He’s Pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is calling for a boycott of Showtime after the Islamic Caliph admitted he was pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen’s series “Who is America?” Baghdadi, who announced the formation of the Islamic State in April 2013, said he was led to believe he was being honored by fictional Israeli TV station “Yerushalayim Television” for its 70 at 70 program honoring pro-Israel leaders. “Since ISIS was created by the Mossad to attack Iran and sow discard across...

If You Can Read This, Then There Is Still Freedom of Speech Online… For Now

If You Can Read This, Then There Is Still Freedom of Speech Online… For Now

Amazing podcast with Times of Israel’s Political Correspondent, Raoul Wootliff Click here to go straight to Sound Cloud Mark Zuckerberg might be Jewish, but Israel doesn’t want his social media monster online. Yep, turns out the government tried to pass a bill to take down freedom of speech one post at a time, which would make Israel the first democracy to enforce censorship on social media. But it was just a big mistake (add laugh track here), caught by Times of...

ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement

ISIS Issues Fatwa on Hailey Baldwin Over Justin Bieber Engagement

In the wake of pop star Justin Bieber’s engagement to model Hailey Baldwin, ISIS has issued a fatwa calling for the death of the latter on the grounds that she is seeking to “steal and pervert a national treasure of the Islamic State.” “We’re not only believers in our cause for Jihad, but are, above all, beliebers”, the heartbroken Islamic terror group said in its statement. “Now this Western temptress wants to take the Bieb away from us and we...