Entertainment

After Botox Scandal, Saudi Camel Pageant to Focus More on Q&A Portion

After Botox Scandal, Saudi Camel Pageant to Focus More on Q&A Portion

This year’s King Abdulaziz Camel Pageant was rocked by scandal when 43 contestants were disqualified for using Botox injections and other cosmetic surgeries to enhance their appearance. In order to discourage other camels from making dangerous body modifications, officials have announced that, going forward, scoring will rely more on the question-and-answer portion, rather than a camel’s sheer sex appeal. “We...

Erdogan Names 50 Cent Finance Minister
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Erdogan Names 50 Cent Finance Minister

Looking to right the country’s economic ship amidst a falling lira and high unemployment, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced that he has named rapper Curtis Jackson, better known as 50 Cent, as the country’s new finance minister. The appointment came as a surprise to many in the international community given Jackson’s public struggles to maintain his own finances. Jackson...

Saudi Arabia to Open Least Exciting Resorts Ever
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Saudi Arabia to Open Least Exciting Resorts Ever

The Saudi Arabian government has admitted to being disappointed at the public reaction to its plans for new tourist resorts on islands in the Red Sea. One blogger commented, “So what you’re saying is it will be like lying on a beach in Dubai but without the two-for-one cocktail hour. Or like lying on the beach in Tel Aviv but...

Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”
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Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”

Miss Iran, Fatameh Ayatollicious, has reportedly been disqualified from the upcoming Miss Universe competition due to “excessive facial hair growth.” The news came amid reports that the contestant, who attended every single event wearing a tunic and turban, appeared to be at least 70 years old and suspiciously resembled Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “I’m not saying that the Miss...

Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show
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Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show

GAZA CITY — Hamas, a self-declared non-Belieber, has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as yet another “infidel noise crime”. Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “This infidel brat Justin...

Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears”
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Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears”

Hamas has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as an “infidel noise crime against sensitive Islamist ears.” Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “The infidel brat Justin Bieber is the...

Americans Reminded About Afghanistan After Taliban Heard Defending Dave Chappelle

Americans Reminded About Afghanistan After Taliban Heard Defending Dave Chappelle

Attention has once again shifted to the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Afghanistan after a Taliban leader was caught on hot mic defending controversial comedian Dave Chappelle during a televised execution. The controversy arose during the beheading of Samira al-Tajiki, a 17-year-old girl suspected of reading a book. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, who was attending the event, was heard...

Looking to Cash In on Nostalgia, God to Release Sequel to New Testament

Looking to Cash In on Nostalgia, God to Release Sequel to New Testament

In a move that some fans of the originals are calling a cash grab, prominent author God announced he will release a long-awaited sequel to his 100 AD smash hit ‘The Bible.’ After penning the wildly popular Hebrew Bible and New Testament, God has long resisted making another installment in the series even as works of fan fiction including The...

Norm Macdonald Asks God for Ten Minutes in Hell to Roast bin Laden

Norm Macdonald Asks God for Ten Minutes in Hell to Roast bin Laden

Comedian and satirist Norm Macdonald, who sadly passed away Tuesday night, is looking to put off his entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven, asking God to first let him spend ten minutes or so in Hell so he can “make [Osama] bin Laden cry like a little bitch.” “I wrote like 100 pages of killer material about that piece of...

Hamas Transgender Queen Wins Eurovision with” We Will, We Will Rocket You”

Hamas Transgender Queen Wins Eurovision with” We Will, We Will Rocket You”

The Hamas transgender queen Latiffah Jihad surprisingly won the Eurovision song contest with the romantic hit “We will rocket you.” A visibly moved and slightly drug intoxicated Jihad, thanked her fans and supporters from a Dutch halal coffeeshop. “Good evening Europe! Salam Aleikum Eurabia! Thank you for supporting Gaza and choosing rocket love over racist Zionist rocket phobia. I want...

Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow goop BDSM Kit
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Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow goop BDSM Kit

In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and...

Teen Vogue Fires Editor for Reading Dr. Seuss When She Was in Preschool

Teen Vogue Fires Editor for Reading Dr. Seuss When She Was in Preschool

Teen Vogue has once again fired its editor-in-chief after pictures emerged of the newly hired top journalist reading Dr. Seuss’s “The Cat in the Hat” when she was a young child. Emelia Mackenzie was hired Thursday after her predecessor, Alexi McCammond, was fired when racially insensitive tweets resurfaced from a decade prior, when she was in high school. On Friday...

Saudi Arabia to Require ‘Potato Head’ Toy to Have Face Veiled
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Saudi Arabia to Require ‘Potato Head’ Toy to Have Face Veiled

After Hasbro announced that its classic Mr. Potato Head toy would drop the “Mr.” from its name, Saudi leaders are requiring that all Potato Heads be covered from head to toe. “Even with the possibility that Sayyed Potato is in fact a woman, she is unlikely to give impure thoughts to too many hot-blooded Arab men,” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed...

Uyghurs in Labor Camps Thank Disney for Firing Gina Carano
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Uyghurs in Labor Camps Thank Disney for Firing Gina Carano

Members of China’s Uyghurs minority breathed a collective sigh of relief earlier this month when Disney fired controversial actress and former MMA star Gina Carano from its hit show The Mandalorian. Several Uyghurs that The Mideast Beast spoke to for this article said they had felt immense pride to see a $300 billion corporation like Disney work so closely with...

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians
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Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Still holding a grudge with the US Senate over a US Senate bill, passed nearly 18 months ago condemning the Armenian genocide, Turkey’s parliament has passed a unanimous resolution condemning the Kardashian family for crimes against humanity. “The real Armenian Genocide is the one that these sisters are committing against world culture and common decency,” the resolution stated. “We can...

ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After Letting Ben Shapiro Guest-Write Morning Jihad
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ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After Letting Ben Shapiro Guest-Write Morning Jihad

More than 100 members of the Islamic State have signed a letter denouncing ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi after the Caliph allowed conservative commentator Ben Shapiro to guest-author one edition of its Morning Jihad newsletter. Looking to expand the group’s popularity, al-Hashimi has invited a series of guest authors from across the political spectrum to write ISIS’s most popular ‘Morning...

Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters
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Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters

Actor Jussie Smollett has once again been attacked, this time by angry supporters of newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden. Smollett said he was walking back to his hotel in Oklahoma City Wednesday afternoon when a group of men in pink pussy hats approached him. Shouting, “This is Biden country,” the men spilled their soy chai lattes on the actor and stole...