The apparent alliance between Iran, Syria and Russia culminated Friday with the release of a self-titled album ‘New Axis of Evil.’ It features Putin on lead guitar and vocals, Khamenei on bass and backup vocals, and Assad on drums. Khamenei’s ‘Sanction City’ is a bluesy number, with a lot of passion behind it, but it is Putin’s hard rock cover...
This year’s King Abdulaziz Camel Pageant was rocked by scandal when 43 contestants were disqualified for using Botox injections and other cosmetic surgeries to enhance their appearance. In order to discourage other camels from making dangerous body modifications, officials have announced that, going forward, scoring will rely more on the question-and-answer portion, rather than a camel’s sheer sex appeal. “We...
Looking to right the country’s economic ship amidst a falling lira and high unemployment, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced that he has named rapper Curtis Jackson, better known as 50 Cent, as the country’s new finance minister. The appointment came as a surprise to many in the international community given Jackson’s public struggles to maintain his own finances. Jackson...
The Saudi Arabian government has admitted to being disappointed at the public reaction to its plans for new tourist resorts on islands in the Red Sea. One blogger commented, “So what you’re saying is it will be like lying on a beach in Dubai but without the two-for-one cocktail hour. Or like lying on the beach in Tel Aviv but...
Miss Iran, Fatameh Ayatollicious, has reportedly been disqualified from the upcoming Miss Universe competition due to “excessive facial hair growth.” The news came amid reports that the contestant, who attended every single event wearing a tunic and turban, appeared to be at least 70 years old and suspiciously resembled Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “I’m not saying that the Miss...
GAZA CITY — Hamas, a self-declared non-Belieber, has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as yet another “infidel noise crime”. Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “This infidel brat Justin...
Hamas has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as an “infidel noise crime against sensitive Islamist ears.” Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “The infidel brat Justin Bieber is the...
Attention has once again shifted to the ongoing humanitarian crisis in Afghanistan after a Taliban leader was caught on hot mic defending controversial comedian Dave Chappelle during a televised execution. The controversy arose during the beheading of Samira al-Tajiki, a 17-year-old girl suspected of reading a book. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar, who was attending the event, was heard...
In a move that some fans of the originals are calling a cash grab, prominent author God announced he will release a long-awaited sequel to his 100 AD smash hit ‘The Bible.’ After penning the wildly popular Hebrew Bible and New Testament, God has long resisted making another installment in the series even as works of fan fiction including The...
Comedian and satirist Norm Macdonald, who sadly passed away Tuesday night, is looking to put off his entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven, asking God to first let him spend ten minutes or so in Hell so he can “make [Osama] bin Laden cry like a little bitch.” “I wrote like 100 pages of killer material about that piece of...
Rapper Drake and supermodel Gigi Hadid have been spotted at a Hollywood Starbucks discussing their views on the Israel-Palestine conflict. Drake, who is half Jewish, believes in Israel’s right to remain a Jewish state. Hadid, whose father is Palestinian, believes in an end to the occupation and a one-state solution. The two were spotted around noon during the middle of...
Actress Ellie Kemper is once again apologizing for her youthful indiscretion after it emerged that the star appeared in Al Qaeda’s 1999 ‘Queen of the Jihad’ debutante ball. Kemper, known for her roles in Bridesmaids, The Office, and The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, said she knew little about the terror group when she participated in the pageant. “All I knew was...
The Hamas transgender queen Latiffah Jihad surprisingly won the Eurovision song contest with the romantic hit “We will rocket you.” A visibly moved and slightly drug intoxicated Jihad, thanked her fans and supporters from a Dutch halal coffeeshop. “Good evening Europe! Salam Aleikum Eurabia! Thank you for supporting Gaza and choosing rocket love over racist Zionist rocket phobia. I want...
In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and...
Teen Vogue has once again fired its editor-in-chief after pictures emerged of the newly hired top journalist reading Dr. Seuss’s “The Cat in the Hat” when she was a young child. Emelia Mackenzie was hired Thursday after her predecessor, Alexi McCammond, was fired when racially insensitive tweets resurfaced from a decade prior, when she was in high school. On Friday...
Editor’s note: Updated for #WayBackWednesday, 17 March 2021 News agencies around the world are fuming at the existence of satirical news sites, claiming they are doing grave damage to people’s knowledge of the facts. Yet, news agencies that people rely on for information regarding global events, such as Fox News and CNN (among a slew of others), have a...
After Hasbro announced that its classic Mr. Potato Head toy would drop the “Mr.” from its name, Saudi leaders are requiring that all Potato Heads be covered from head to toe. “Even with the possibility that Sayyed Potato is in fact a woman, she is unlikely to give impure thoughts to too many hot-blooded Arab men,” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed...
Members of China’s Uyghurs minority breathed a collective sigh of relief earlier this month when Disney fired controversial actress and former MMA star Gina Carano from its hit show The Mandalorian. Several Uyghurs that The Mideast Beast spoke to for this article said they had felt immense pride to see a $300 billion corporation like Disney work so closely with...
Still holding a grudge with the US Senate over a US Senate bill, passed nearly 18 months ago condemning the Armenian genocide, Turkey’s parliament has passed a unanimous resolution condemning the Kardashian family for crimes against humanity. “The real Armenian Genocide is the one that these sisters are committing against world culture and common decency,” the resolution stated. “We can...
More than 100 members of the Islamic State have signed a letter denouncing ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi after the Caliph allowed conservative commentator Ben Shapiro to guest-author one edition of its Morning Jihad newsletter. Looking to expand the group’s popularity, al-Hashimi has invited a series of guest authors from across the political spectrum to write ISIS’s most popular ‘Morning...
