Entertainment

PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects

PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects

The PLO movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ shocked the movie industry by winning the Oscar for “Best Fake News Special Effects.” CNN, which was involved in the PLO movie project, won the Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor.” An impressed Steven Spielberg told The Mideast Beast: “I’ve done ‘Jaws’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ but nobody beats PLO in staging massacres and faking ancient civilizations. Infidelity-friendly Hollywood infidels can learn a great deal from Jihad-friendly Pallywood.” Self-described progressive singer turned Middle East expert John Legend...

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

The Mideast Beast is announcing several cutbacks following the continued buffoonery of President Donald Trump. Although the President has condemned the publication as “fake, maybe even the fakest news”, it was not his censure, but his actions, which have led to the dramatic restructuring at The Mideast Beast. Senior Researcher at the Washington Institute of Funny Shit on the Internet, Dr. Fanny Josiah, stated in a research report that The Mideast Beast has got off lightly, as satirists worldwide have...

Tlaib Disappointed to Learn Lizzo Not Saying ‘Blame it on the Jews’

Tlaib Disappointed to Learn Lizzo Not Saying ‘Blame it on the Jews’

Democratic Rep. Rashida Tlaib has demanded that the iTunes store refund her purchase of Lizzo’s new hit single “Juice” after the congresswoman discovered the singer is not saying “Blame it on the Jews.” Tlaib said she heard the popular song on the radio and rushed to purchase the single due to what she believed was its powerful message. “I thought that I had stumbled upon more than a catchy tune. This was my entire political platform set to music,” Tlaib...

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by the attack, especially after the diplomatic letter sent by the Beverly Hills Ambassador to Iran, Ms. Rose McGowan. Survivors surveyed...

US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal

US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal

The United States State Department has confirmed that Jared Kushner has taken on the trade negotiations with African superpower Wakanda. A spokesman stated, “Jared is clearly the best placed official to take on this challenge. After all he’s spent all of 2019 dealing with such fantastical places as ‘Palestine’, and the mind-bending concept of a ‘Two-State Solution’. I mean come on, ‘Two States’? That’s as laughable as another Fantastic Four reboot.” A Palestinian negotiator commented, “I swear if we told...

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Responding to a US Senate bill condemning the Armenian genocide, Turkey’s parliament has passed a unanimous resolution condemning the Kardashian family for crimes against humanity. “The real Armenian Genocide is the one that these sisters are committing against world culture and common decency,” the resolution stated. “We can no longer ignore the suffering of countless victims, who have lost countless hours of their lives watching those stupid shows.” The bill called for a moment of silence for all Turkish youths...

Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate

Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate

In a move aimed at highlighting their party’s diversity, the Democratic Party announced that Palestinian-American rapper DJ Khaled will take the debate stage alongside the party’s six leading white candidates. The decision came amid concern among Democratic leaders that all candidates to qualify for the debate would be white following Senator Kamala Harris’s withdrawal from the race. “We are the party of diversity, so it’s not the best look when our top six candidates are 5 and 1023/1024 Caucasian,” Democratic...

Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow BDSM Kit

Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow BDSM Kit

In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and ankles and let UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn spank him with a matching paddle. “With Allah as our witness, we...

Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub

Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has begun arresting reporters for People magazine on terrorism charges after the publication once again passed him over for its annual ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ award. Within minutes of the magazine awarding singer and EGOT winner John Legend the honor for 2019, Erdogan’s forces had hauled away dozens of journalists and staff members, calling them enemies of the state. “These terrorists are trying to destroy Turkey and its citizens by stealing this award, which I clearly...

Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel

Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel

Following backlash, singer Demi Lovato has profusely apologized for her recent concert in and praise of Israel, insisting she had no idea that the people who treated her so well on the trip were in fact Jews. Lovato spent her time in the country, which she billed as a spiritual journey, visiting the Western Wall and Israel’s Holocaust memorial, Yad Vashem, after being baptized in the Jordan River. But soon after she returned, Twitter user @FreePalestine42069 called her out for...

US to Attempt ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ in the Middle East

US to Attempt ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ in the Middle East

Noting that every action the US has taken in the Middle East for roughly seven decades has been wrong, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has adopted the ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ of doing the opposite of policymakers’ instincts. “Every decision we have made – who to bomb, where to invade, who to ally with – has gone disastrously wrong,” Pompeo explained. “We counted on the Shah of Iran to stay in power, we threw our weight behind the Oslo Peace Process,...

Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special

Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special

Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. Shortly after the accusation was published in The New York Times, several Democratic presidential candidates released statements calling for Kavanaugh’s impeachment and arrest. “Brett Kavanaugh’s...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was a Friday night and they were Ambien firing.” The council also defended...

ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine

ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine

Islamic State is “distraught” that none of their members were represented in the UK Vogue Magazine special edition, guest edited by the former American actress and current member of the British Royal Family, Meghan Markle. “We understand just how inspiring these pop culture magazines are, and with a guest celebrity editor like Meghan being involved, we thought we just had to get in on the action”, one ISIS member commented. “At first we put forward many of our fiercest jihadi...

North Korean Leader Says Nuclear Program Necessary Because Women Made Fun of His Height

North Korean Leader Says Nuclear Program Necessary Because Women Made Fun of His Height

In the most extensive comments on his nuclear ambitions to date, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un said he needs an extensive weapons program because women refuse to take him seriously on dating sites due to his height. In a heated exchange with US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Kim was told that is not acceptable to continue developing his nuclear weapons program and responded by yelling, “Is it acceptable for women to refuse to go out with me because...

Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee

Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee

Rapper Drake and supermodel Gigi Hadid have been spotted at a Hollywood Starbucks discussing their views on the Israel-Palestine conflict. Drake, who is half Jewish, believes in Israel’s right to remain a Jewish state. Hadid, whose father is Palestinian, believes in an end to the occupation and a one-state solution. The two were spotted around noon during the middle of a respectful, intellectual discussion. Drake later told The Mideast Beast, “Gigi taught me so much about what the Palestinian people...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party

Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party

Following a fierce backlash against social media personality Kylie Jenner for her controversially themed Handmaid’s Tale party, an unsuspecting defender has come to her cause. Iran’s Supreme Leader has backed the party and its socialite host as “a rare example of a Western party which professes conservative Sharia values”. A spokesperson for the Islamic Republic’s highest office holder commented further, “as far as party themes go, the submission of women to a theocratic regime and the patriarchal overlords where blind...

Hatari Petitions The Hague Over Bland Falafel in Israel

Hatari Petitions The Hague Over Bland Falafel in Israel

Accusing the nation of engaging in “apartheid against foreign musicians,” Icelandic techno group Hatari filed charges against Israel for crimes against humanity after being served tasteless falafel during its trip for Eurovision. “While I know that the Middle East has seen injustice and suffering, nothing can compare to the pain of expecting the best falafel I’ve ever tasted and instead being handed a dry, stale, lukewarm ball of mediocrity,” Hatari drummer Einar Stefansson said in a press conference as he...

Eurovision PR: Come enjoy the ‘Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv’

Eurovision PR: Come enjoy the ‘Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv’

As Eurovision kicks off in Tel Aviv, the event’s PR team has launched a new campaign urging audiences to purchase the remaining tickets to the music competition, touting it as the “Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv.” The campaign is a last-minute attempt to draw in foreign audiences to the event which has not yet sold out, due in part to anti-Israel boycotts and in part to exorbitant prices. “Israel’s gay community is set to double when the entire European LGBT...

ISIS Leader Admits Five-Year Disappearance Was Only to Avoid Avengers Spoilers

ISIS Leader Admits Five-Year Disappearance Was Only to Avoid Avengers Spoilers

A week after finally re-emerging five years after his previous appearance, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi acknowledged that his time in seclusion was due not to his fear of Hellfire missiles but to avoid spoilers from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had planned on remaining in the spotlight, but decided to live off the grid in 2015 after a fellow ISIS imam gave away the ending of Avengers: Age of Ultron during a Friday sermon....