Entertainment

Hamas Transgender Queen Wins Eurovision with” We Will, We Will Rocket You”
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Hamas Transgender Queen Wins Eurovision with” We Will, We Will Rocket You”

The Hamas transgender queen Latiffah Jihad surprisingly won the Eurovision song contest with the romantic hit “We will rocket you.” A visibly moved and slightly drug intoxicated Jihad, thanked her fans and supporters from a Dutch halal coffeeshop. “Good evening Europe! Salam Aleikum Eurabia! Thank you for supporting Gaza and choosing rocket love over racist Zionist rocket phobia. I want...

Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow goop BDSM Kit
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Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow goop BDSM Kit

In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and...

Saudi Arabia to Require ‘Potato Head’ Toy to Have Face Veiled
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Saudi Arabia to Require ‘Potato Head’ Toy to Have Face Veiled

After Hasbro announced that its classic Mr. Potato Head toy would drop the “Mr.” from its name, Saudi leaders are requiring that all Potato Heads be covered from head to toe. “Even with the possibility that Sayyed Potato is in fact a woman, she is unlikely to give impure thoughts to too many hot-blooded Arab men,” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed...

Uyghurs in Labor Camps Thank Disney for Firing Gina Carano
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Uyghurs in Labor Camps Thank Disney for Firing Gina Carano

Members of China’s Uyghurs minority breathed a collective sigh of relief earlier this month when Disney fired controversial actress and former MMA star Gina Carano from its hit show The Mandalorian. Several Uyghurs that The Mideast Beast spoke to for this article said they had felt immense pride to see a $300 billion corporation like Disney work so closely with...

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians
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Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Still holding a grudge with the US Senate over a US Senate bill, passed nearly 18 months ago condemning the Armenian genocide, Turkey’s parliament has passed a unanimous resolution condemning the Kardashian family for crimes against humanity. “The real Armenian Genocide is the one that these sisters are committing against world culture and common decency,” the resolution stated. “We can...

ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After Letting Ben Shapiro Guest-Write Morning Jihad
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ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After Letting Ben Shapiro Guest-Write Morning Jihad

More than 100 members of the Islamic State have signed a letter denouncing ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi after the Caliph allowed conservative commentator Ben Shapiro to guest-author one edition of its Morning Jihad newsletter. Looking to expand the group’s popularity, al-Hashimi has invited a series of guest authors from across the political spectrum to write ISIS’s most popular ‘Morning...

Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters
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Jussie Smollett Attacked by Biden Supporters

Actor Jussie Smollett has once again been attacked, this time by angry supporters of newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden. Smollett said he was walking back to his hotel in Oklahoma City Wednesday afternoon when a group of men in pink pussy hats approached him. Shouting, “This is Biden country,” the men spilled their soy chai lattes on the actor and stole...

The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News
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The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News

The Mideast Beast, a satirical news source, has confirmed that they will begin to focus on reporting real news.  This comes at a time when real news, fake news, and satire are becoming less and less distinguishable. There have always been some that think satire is real and real news is fake, but recently the number of people unable to...

Alec Baldwin’s Wife Habeeba Opens Up About Arab Heritage
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Alec Baldwin’s Wife Habeeba Opens Up About Arab Heritage

Habeeba Baldwin, the wife of actor Alec Baldwin, has recently opened up about her Arab heritage and the difficulties adjusting to life in the West. Habeeba, who told The Mideast Beast that she misses her home country of Agrabah every day, says she frequently struggles both with the English language and with American norms. “Yesterday I looked out the window...

Biden Launches OnlyFans Account to Pay Off National Debt
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Biden Launches OnlyFans Account to Pay Off National Debt

Looking for new sources of revenue to counteract trillions in Covid-related stimulus spending, President-elect Joe Biden has joined OnlyFans and plans to offer followers exclusive access to risqué content for $50 a month. Biden said he first learned about the site from former congressman Anthony Weiner, who reached out to Biden asking to borrow $120 to follow porn star Riley...

Khamenei Apologizes for Showing Penis During Zoom Sermon
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Khamenei Apologizes for Showing Penis During Zoom Sermon

Saying he had no idea that his camera was on, Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has apologized for revealing his penis during a Friday sermon broadcast on Zoom. Khamenei was giving his regular weekly speech on the evil of the West and the importance of supporting his regime, which has been delivered virtually since the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic, when...

Netflix Announces House of Saud Spin-Off of The Crown
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Netflix Announces House of Saud Spin-Off of The Crown

After receiving reviews that their depiction of the British royal family is “somewhat tedious and dull,” the team behind The Crown announced a new spinoff version of the show following the exploits of the House of Saud. This version is sure to have far fewer boring political scenes, as the royal leaders only turn to two sources for advice: themselves...

Gal Gadot to Play Muhammad in Upcoming Biopic

Gal Gadot to Play Muhammad in Upcoming Biopic

In a decision that has angered both Muslims and western liberals, Israeli actress Gal Gadot has been cast to play the Islamic prophet Muhammad in an upcoming film about the founder of Islam’s life. The ‘Wonder Woman’ star and Israel native will don a fake beard to play the lead role in ‘From Medina to Mecca: One Man’s Journey to...