Entertainment

US to Attempt ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ in the Middle East

US to Attempt ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ in the Middle East

Noting that every action the US has taken in the Middle East for roughly seven decades has been wrong, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has adopted the ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ of doing the opposite of policymakers’ instincts. “Every decision we have made – who to bomb, where to invade, who to ally with – has gone disastrously wrong,” Pompeo explained. “We counted on the Shah of Iran to stay in power, we threw our weight behind the Oslo Peace Process,...

Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special

Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special

Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. Shortly after the accusation was published in The New York Times, several Democratic presidential candidates released statements calling for Kavanaugh’s impeachment and arrest. “Brett Kavanaugh’s...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was a Friday night and they were Ambien firing.” The council also defended...

ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine

ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine

Islamic State is “distraught” that none of their members were represented in the UK Vogue Magazine special edition, guest edited by the former American actress and current member of the British Royal Family, Meghan Markle. “We understand just how inspiring these pop culture magazines are, and with a guest celebrity editor like Meghan being involved, we thought we just had to get in on the action”, one ISIS member commented. “At first we put forward many of our fiercest jihadi...

North Korean Leader Says Nuclear Program Necessary Because Women Made Fun of His Height

North Korean Leader Says Nuclear Program Necessary Because Women Made Fun of His Height

In the most extensive comments on his nuclear ambitions to date, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un said he needs an extensive weapons program because women refuse to take him seriously on dating sites due to his height. In a heated exchange with US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Kim was told that is not acceptable to continue developing his nuclear weapons program and responded by yelling, “Is it acceptable for women to refuse to go out with me because...

Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee

Drake and Gigi Hadid Discuss Israel-Palestine Conflict Over Coffee

Rapper Drake and supermodel Gigi Hadid have been spotted at a Hollywood Starbucks discussing their views on the Israel-Palestine conflict. Drake, who is half Jewish, believes in Israel’s right to remain a Jewish state. Hadid, whose father is Palestinian, believes in an end to the occupation and a one-state solution. The two were spotted around noon during the middle of a respectful, intellectual discussion. Drake later told The Mideast Beast, “Gigi taught me so much about what the Palestinian people...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party

Iran’s Supreme Leader Backs Kylie Jenner Over Handmaid’s Tale Party

Following a fierce backlash against social media personality Kylie Jenner for her controversially themed Handmaid’s Tale party, an unsuspecting defender has come to her cause. Iran’s Supreme Leader has backed the party and its socialite host as “a rare example of a Western party which professes conservative Sharia values”. A spokesperson for the Islamic Republic’s highest office holder commented further, “as far as party themes go, the submission of women to a theocratic regime and the patriarchal overlords where blind...

Hatari Petitions The Hague Over Bland Falafel in Israel

Hatari Petitions The Hague Over Bland Falafel in Israel

Accusing the nation of engaging in “apartheid against foreign musicians,” Icelandic techno group Hatari filed charges against Israel for crimes against humanity after being served tasteless falafel during its trip for Eurovision. “While I know that the Middle East has seen injustice and suffering, nothing can compare to the pain of expecting the best falafel I’ve ever tasted and instead being handed a dry, stale, lukewarm ball of mediocrity,” Hatari drummer Einar Stefansson said in a press conference as he...

Eurovision PR: Come enjoy the ‘Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv’

Eurovision PR: Come enjoy the ‘Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv’

As Eurovision kicks off in Tel Aviv, the event’s PR team has launched a new campaign urging audiences to purchase the remaining tickets to the music competition, touting it as the “Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv.” The campaign is a last-minute attempt to draw in foreign audiences to the event which has not yet sold out, due in part to anti-Israel boycotts and in part to exorbitant prices. “Israel’s gay community is set to double when the entire European LGBT...

ISIS Leader Admits Five-Year Disappearance Was Only to Avoid Avengers Spoilers

ISIS Leader Admits Five-Year Disappearance Was Only to Avoid Avengers Spoilers

A week after finally re-emerging five years after his previous appearance, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi acknowledged that his time in seclusion was due not to his fear of Hellfire missiles but to avoid spoilers from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had planned on remaining in the spotlight, but decided to live off the grid in 2015 after a fellow ISIS imam gave away the ending of Avengers: Age of Ultron during a Friday sermon....

Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers

Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers

Lovers of good music have flocked to the BDS demand to boycott the Eurovision final planned for Tel Aviv this year. One critic confirmed, “We don’t have any particular view on the complexities of a two-state solution or the future of the Golan Heights. However, I think we can all get on board with the idea that the Eurovision contest is an affront to all lovers of good music and taste. In all that’s holy, does anyone really think that...

Saudi Crown Prince Beheaded After Posting Avengers: Endgame Spoilers

Saudi Crown Prince Beheaded After Posting Avengers: Endgame Spoilers

In a sign that no one in the kingdom is truly above the law, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has been beheaded after authorities say he posted spoilers to Avengers: Endgame. The crown prince was arrested following a tweet in which he stated, “Just saw the new Avengers movie, and I have to say, way to go Thanos!” Within hours of his arrest, police said he had confessed to the crime and agreed to his execution, one of hundreds...

ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously

ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously

In a recent interview, former adult movie star Mia Khalifa said that she had been receiving death threats from ISIS and has seen photo-shopped pictures online of herself being beheaded. Khalifa made headlines in the past for participating in an adult video wearing a Hijab and has angered some over several Lebanese nationalistic tattoos as well as a Lebanese Flag on her body. An ISIS spokesman has expressed outrage over her actions saying: “I heard from a friend that these...

Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East

Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East

Saying that the nation’s involvement in the region does “not spark joy,” newly-named Defense Secretary Marie Kondo announced she will withdraw all US troops and diplomats from the Middle East. President Trump’s surprise pick to replace Jim Mattis, Kondo took only 15 seconds to ditch the country’s entire web of alliances and longstanding hostilities and abandon any relations with the Middle East or the rest of the Muslim world. “The secretary examined the country’s troop presence in Afghanistan and Syria,...

‘Couldn’t You Have Said It Was Us?’ al Qaeda Asks Smollett

‘Couldn’t You Have Said It Was Us?’ al Qaeda Asks Smollett

With ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett facing charges over allegedly filing a false police report, Islamist terrorist group al Qaeda has questioned why the actor did not blame them for the reported attack. “All he had to do was say, ‘Yea, I was attacked on the street by two men. They were wearing keffiyehs and shouting Allahu Akbar,’’ al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri explained in a Tweet. “We would have claimed responsibility, there would be no police investigation, and all of a...

ISIS Leadership asks, “Are we in the Sixth Sense?”

ISIS Leadership asks, “Are we in the Sixth Sense?”

ISIS leaders are increasingly concerned that they may in fact be emulating Bruce Willis’ role in the supernatural thriller. A spokesman said, “President Trump keeps claiming we are beaten, but we still appear to be here. However, we know the President is a highly truthful man. So that leads us to the only logical conclusion. Were we really dead the whole time?” “We’ve been looking back to meetings we’ve had with Western journalists, and actually when we think about it...

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

In an attempt to regain some of the attention which has dissipated to ISIS in recent years, Al Qaeda is set to publish a provocatively titled new fighting manual and will be hosting their first book launch next week. Entitled “Fifty Shades of Jihad”, the manual is marketed as a “guide for both the expert and the uninitiated in the world of radical Islamism” and is said to “encompass all the intricate and often sensual facets of Quranic-inspired terrorism”. A...

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ATLANTA — Authorities in Atlanta have uncovered the largest ISIS sleeper cell ever found on US soil, with the terror outpost found in R&B star Robert “R.” Kelly’s basement. Detectives say R. Kelly had been using his uplifting lyrics and seductive voice to draw in and brainwash recruits, even recording reworked classics such as “Trapped in the Caliph’s Closet”, “Behead and Grind” and “I Believe I Can Fly…..This Hijacked Plane.” He would meet aspiring artists at his concerts, and recruit them...

ISIS Bans ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ for Not Being Rapey Enough

ISIS Bans ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ for Not Being Rapey Enough

With just weeks until Christmas, the Islamic State has officially banned the popular holiday song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” due to concerns that the song promotes men asking women for consent. “The man in the song repeatedly begs the woman to stay with him overnight instead of simply throwing a burlap sack over her head and declaring her his wife,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a statement announcing the ban. “That is not a message we want to...

Twelve Killed in Mecca During Annual ‘MuhammadCon’ Bar Crawl

Twelve Killed in Mecca During Annual ‘MuhammadCon’ Bar Crawl

In one of the deadliest pub crawls so far this holiday season, 12 people were killed and hundreds injured during Mecca’s annual ‘MuhammadCon’ celebration. The event, in which hundreds of Muslims hit the town dressed as their favorite prophet, has generally turned into a night of public intoxication and drunken rowdiness, much like SantaCon in the US and the Vatican’s ChristCon. Brawls between robe-clad partiers are common and frequently spill over into the streets. “It is the one time of year that...