RAQQA — The Islamic State was dealt a setback last week, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During...
Only one year following the release of a report linking processed meat to cancer, the World Health Organization has unveiled a disturbing new study that examined the dietary habits of individuals from countries around the world and determined that people who consume a high amount of falafel and other chickpea-based food items are at significantly higher risk of being involved in an...
Calling the television star a leader in the fields of both chemistry and ethics, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced Monday that Bill Cosby will be charged with leading Syria’s chemical weapons program. “Ever since that dick [U.S. President Barack] Obama made me give [Russian President Vladimir] Putin my chemical weapons, I’ve been looking for someone who really knows how to...
TEL AVIV – Israeli warplanes have reportedly gate crashed the ongoing Saudi coalition against Shia Houthi insurgents threatening the Yemeni Government. Colonel Yossi Fluffer, Head of Aerial Ass Kicking with the Israeli Air Force commented; “We are just sick of people bombing Muslims without letting us have a go first. The guys have been pretty out of sorts since the Syrian...
Weighing in on the nuclear deal between the United States and Iran, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre demanded that the U.S. provide nuclear weapons to all of Iran’s enemies and regional competitors including Saudi Arabia, ISIS and a host of opposition groups in Syria and Iraq. “Only a good Ayatollah with a nuke can stop a bad Ayatollah with a nuke,” LaPierre...
The International Astronomical Union (IAU) voted to upgrade the Islamic Republic of Iran’s status to that of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. “Iran fits all the criteria of a planet. First, it orbits around the sun. Second, it’s massive enough for its own gravity to make other countries shrink. Third, Iran is currently clearing the neighborhood around its orbit,” declared...
Saying that strikes against the U.S. would be “heartless, gratuitous, and entirely inappropriate at the moment,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced a temporary unilateral ceasefire against America following the breakup of Hollywood’s most powerful celebrity couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “In light of recent events, we have suspended indefinitely all operations against the United States and ask our...
A squadron of C-130J Super Hercules attacked the Islamic State’s de facto capital, Raqqa, early this morning, airdropping hundreds of thousands of sex toys and tubes of lubricants in a pre-dawn mission. According to a statement released by U.S. Central Command, the packages – signed “With Love from America” – included a variety of dildos, nipple clamps and anal beads inscribed in...
Saying he longed for a simpler time – when the economy was booming, Third Eye Blind was on the radio, and jihadist terrorist groups were hidden in the caves of the Hindu Kush – Manhattan bombing suspect Ahmad Khan Rahami has pledged allegiance to classic 1990s terror group al Qaeda. “I’m just not into groups like ISIS sending out tweets...
As the US military continues to accuse the Islamic Republic of harassing US Navy ships in the Persian Gulf, Tehran maintains that American vessels are actually leading Iranian forces on. “These American military officials: their lips say ‘no’ but their ships say ‘yes’,” Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps Commander Freddie Farhadi asserted. “American patrol ships are the whores of the high...
The 2016 Emmy Awards paid homage to the many stars who died this past year with its “In Memoriam” tribute on Sunday, September 18. However, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences failed to include several creative powerhouses who passed away in the reel, angering people around the world. Fans of ISIS propaganda video mega-producer Wa’il Adil Hasan Salman al-Fayad,...
A devastating civil war is wreaking havoc on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s immune system, forcing him to suspend his campaign to wipe out any possibility of democracy and seek urgent medical care. “It began with the occasional dizzy spell when government helicopters were dropping barrel bombs on schools, hospitals, old age homes and other critical military targets. But nowadays, he...
Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi apologized Saturday for plagiarizing President Barack Obama’s 2008 victory speech saying that he has already punished those responsible. “First, I find out that our speech writer, my sister’s husband Grabbir Bouby, is screwing my half-brother Sahib al-Suq. Then it’s brought to my attention that his replacement, my brother Muhammad’s boy, is dyslexic. Who’s doing...
The world is in shock following Apple’s launch of the iPhone 7 without a traditional headphone jack. While Apple attempted to placate the masses by offering Bluetooth ‘airpods’ to replace the old stalwart wired earbuds, many dark-web theorists believe that this signified the beginning of the downfall of Western civilization. These dire projections were validated when ISIS issued a statement formally...
Damascus has been chosen to host the 2020 Olympics, as the International Olympic Committee selected the Syrian capital due to logistical considerations. “Frankly, the difficulty of getting close to 200 delegations into the host country is always a challenge,” IOC President Thomas Bach said. “Given how many countries already have a strong presence in Syria, this job will be much,...
In a further blow to Samsung’s PR machine, recalled Galaxy Note7 smart phones are now the weapon of choice for Syrian government forces. Military press officer Mahmoud Goldstein commented, “To be honest we had been running out of things to drop from our helicopters, so Samsung has been a real life saver. Well obviously not if you’re standing under one...
The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has announced suspension of offensive operations throughout the Near East, amid concerns over environmental impact on sensitive desert ecosystems. “I just LOVE those guys!” gushed Samantha Gulk, the Executive Director of the World Wildlife Federation (WWF). “They get it! They really get it!” It is unclear if Ms. Gulk’s statement referred only to this...
ISIS has followed Amazon’s lead and launched a pilot program in which a few dozen fighters will engage in only 30 hours of Jihad-making each week. In return, they will receive 75% of their normal quota of sex slaves and retain full health care benefits. “The Islamic State is dedicated to improving its future martyrs’ work-life balance.” ISIS leader Abu...
Noting that there was no easy way to broach the subject, advisors of Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson told reporters they are discussing how to tell their candidate about the tragic September 11 terrorist attacks that occurred 15 years ago. “There are going to be ceremonies all day Sunday, so it’s just a matter of time before he starts asking...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has accused international news channels of being responsible for the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of Syrians since the civil war broke out in 2011. “Want to end the genocide in Syria? Get the Zionist-controlled media out of my bedroom. All those cameras make me sweat uncontrollably during the day and break out in hives at...
