Turkish President Recep Tayyib Erdogan announced that his country will begin releasing hundreds of members of the terror group ISIS, saying there is no longer room in the prisons for both them and the influx of journalists being rounded up by security forces. “With increasing numbers of Turks tragically choosing to commit the crime of Journalism, we simply could not...
Rebel fighters in Aleppo have taken to social media to ask whether #notmypresident protestors are interested in an exchange program. Nabir Younis took time from being bombed by Russian warplanes to comment, “Don’t get me wrong, we are all sympathetic to those saddened by their candidates’ loss last Tuesday. Only yesterday Mahmud and I were discussing how infuriating it must be that...
With just over two months left in power, the Obama administration is looking for the final chapter to cement its legacy. After brokering a nuclear agreement with Iran which could be summarized as, “Please don’t enrich uranium or we will be sad” and then proceeding to circumvent their own agreement by paying Iran 1.3 billion dollars in cash, it seemed...
The ISIS-affiliated al-Amaq news agency recently published a statement through their online channels, regarding recent efforts by the Iraqi army and other forces to retake the city of Mosul. The statement began: “No it’s cool, we didn’t really want Mosul anyway.” An unnamed spokeswoman for the Islamic State expanded, saying “When you are trying to create a global caliphate you...
Donald Trump’s election win has left pollsters shocked and the country divided. Democratic supporters have been left thinking ‘what-if’ and thousands of protestors have already taken to the streets to protest the victory. While many fear Trump’s victory will destroy the country and split it in half, Syrian leader Bashar Al-Assad is not impressed. “Yes, yes people are pissed and...
Shortly after 4am, Syrian government forces in west Aleppo crossed over into the rebel-held east, bearing cigarettes and coffee. Fighters from both sides were seen sitting in small circles smoking and staring into the middle distance with some placing a comforting arm around their former foes’ shoulders. Simultaneously over Yemen, Saudi warplanes dropped food and medical supplies with the note...
A new poll shows the overwhelming majority of ISIS sleeper agents in the United States prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election. The first-time survey on the political positions of covert agents of the Islamic State currently residing in the US, as well as agents planted in refugee populations destined for the US, indicate that they...
A man has been spotted licking an ice cream cone in liberated territory outside of Mosul. Caliphate law bans ice cream cones and popsicles so as not to encourage blow jobs and other “perverse” homosexual acts. The smiling Iraqi was captured on camera, and experts say the photo will go down in history in much the same way as The Kiss,...
Reports from Afghanistan suggest that senior Al-Qaeda leadership are running out into fields waving red flags and waiting for the sweet release of death to avoid any more 24-news coverage of the US presidential election. A spokesman for the group said; “On reflection, it was a mistake to sign up for the full news package from Al Jazeera. We should...
With just a few days to go until “The Coming of the Nameless One Who Has Sapped the Energy From Every Single Human Being Over the Past Six Months” – or the U.S. presidential elections as some people still insist on calling it – the people of Yemen are looking forward to regaining their place at the forefront of the world’s attention. One...
ISIS has announced the launch of Operation ‘Wait and See’ against the United States, as the terrorist group plans to “sit back and just kind of see how things play out” for the next three or four days. “It feels a little bit silly to be plotting attacks that will maybe kill 15 to 20 Americans when the country is...
Twitter’s decision to shutter Vine, the six-second video sharing service, has been met with disappointment worldwide, and the reaction from ISIS leadership has been no different. “We are shocked by the sudden removal of the social media platform which brought us such unforgettable generational talents as King Bach, Britney Furlan, and Lele Pons,” stated senior ISIS leader Abu Muhammad al-Shimali....
Car and Driver magazine has released survey results from the West Bank and Gaza suggesting that when it comes to carrying out vehicular acts of terror against Israelis, Palestinians prefer the Japanese automaker Subaru. “It makes total sense. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) consistently gives Subaru top safety ratings. We don’t want attackers sustaining an injury while running...
IRAQ — In the most egregious case of laughably misplaced credit since Kylie Jenner claimed to have invented wigs, Donald Trump, as everyone now knows, has called President Obama and Hillary Clinton the “founder and co-founder” of the Islamic State. Unsurprisingly, ISIS was appalled at this assertion. “Ugh, I knew this would happen. Fucking knew it!” said ISIS leader Abu-Bakr...
The CIA has shocked the wider intelligence community by confessing, “we just don’t do sums.” According to Director of Basic Mental Arithmetic, Jim Thomson, “most of the guys and girls here are very much ‘humanities’ students. Ask them to make some wide-sweeping statement about any regional situation, no problem, 50,000 words on your desk by close of play.” However counting...
Citing the success of her “Russian Reset” as Secretary of State, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has promised to launch an “ISIS Reset” if elected this November. “While it’s clear that the United States and the Islamic State have gotten off on the wrong foot, it’s about time that we focus on our common interests and work together on key...
Noting that there is no better way to achieve victory than to complain about the fact that you are losing, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced plans to defeat ISIS by constantly complaining that the global war on terror is rigged against the West. In a detailed policy statement, Trump promised that as president, following successful terrorist attacks carried out...
With Donald Trump as the Republican presidential nominee, many analysts have already gone so far as to declare the GOP brain dead, even if it still remains on life support. Diagnoses have already been made explaining just how the proud party of Lincoln wound up belonging in a golden asylum with ‘TRUMP’ written in giant letters on the front, with...
TEHRAN — Iranian President Hassan Rouhani bragged in vulgar terms about his plans to add Saudi Arabia to the Islamic Republic’s list of conquests during a recent conversation caught on a hot microphone. “I moved on Mecca, and I failed. I’ll admit it: Forget furniture, I should have dropped some Spanish Fly in the King’s drink, like we did with that...
The civil war in Syria has entered a bloodier and far creepier phase, as clowns have reportedly seized parts of the besieged city of Aleppo. Reports of clowns, some armed with sharpened teeth, roaming the streets of Syria’s cities began circulating last week, and by Tuesday they had seized several villages outside Aleppo as well as parts of the city...
