ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS has followed Amazon’s lead and launched a pilot program in which a few dozen fighters will engage in only 30 hours of Jihad-making each week. In return, they will receive 75% of their normal quota of sex slaves and retain full health care benefits.

“The Islamic State is dedicated to improving its future martyrs’ work-life balance.” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi commented. “Pushing our warriors too hard is leading to some bad habits. For example, there’s a real epidemic of YouTube browsing during public hangings. So to prevent job burnout, we’re strongly encouraging our young, angry and sexually confused Jihadists to spend a bit less time burning Iraqi Shiite goat herders alive and a bit more time building new friendships and expanding their social network.”

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“Our new workplace policy is a great recruiting tool since it sends a message that Jewish controlled startups staffed by homosexuals and Maroon 5 fans aren’t the only ones that can maximize people’s well-being,” al-Baghdadi added.

The flow of new business practices isn’t just one way. Facebook has announced that it will be incorporating some of ISIS’s torture techniques to help boost productivity and enhance innovation.

“Remember Facebook Home? Poke? Who can forget Slingshot? Once our people stopped fearing failure, they got lazy and pissed away millions of dollars on colossal product flops.” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg.  “So when I say that heads are going to roll if we don’t hit our quarterly sales targets, the decapitations will be broadcast on YouTube.”