Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.
As the specter of a Trump Presidency creeps nearer and nearer, stinky and unwanted, like the aftermath of an especially beany taco Tuesday, the Orange American is keeping his foot on the gas. Many had predicted that if The Donald even made it this far, he would have to tone down his rhetoric. But that clearly isn’t the case, as...
As tensions between Israelis and Palestinians once again threaten to boil over and make a huge mess just like the raviolis you left boiling on the stove by accident, more and more questions have been directed at the leaders of both groups. People are demanding answers about why the peace process is now so old that it enjoys a tall...
With the world now witnessing the forty-ninth year of Israeli control over parts of the West Bank, Palestinian residents of the territory are beginning to feel pangs of nostalgia for simpler times. Most people feel nostalgia for things like the Power Rangers, or Super Nintendo, or freedom from the crushing realization that time marches ever forward while affording you fewer and...
JERUSALEM — The world awoke to some fresh news today, revealing what is for many a living nightmare. Don’t worry, we know what you’re thinking, and no, it’s not an ISIS or Trump takeover of America. This news has to do with polls, and not the stripper kind, and not the kind that live in Warsaw. Political polls of Israelis and...
Among the many charges leveled at the State of Israel is the claim that the country engages in ‘pinkwashing.’ In other words, people find it suspicious that Israel treats homosexuals like people. “Look, the gays are icky. Israel can’t actually accept them. They’re clearly up to something,” explained social justice warrior Anita Cohen. RELATED: Gays Now Majority of Population in Tel...
“It’s just kind of bland,” said Ari Hirsch after trying his first bite of Israeli salad. The Philadelphia native was “super stoked” to try the supposed famous delicacy for the first time today. Hirsch has heard tales of the legendary food for years from family, friends, teachers, and fellow synagogue patrons. “’It’s healthy,’ ‘it’s delicious,’ ‘it’s real Israeli food!’ I’ve...
“Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s nclr deal is #awful #worstpresidenteva!” said renowned Twitter scholar @Obama_St1nks in response to the deal designed to slow Iran’s nuclear marathon. @Obama_St1nks is not alone in his or her opinion, as hundreds of Twitter academics flocked to join his or her dissension. It does appear that the highly educated and influential intellectuals of social media have deconstructed...
In a bombshell announcement earlier today, a high-ranking Iranian official went on the record as saying that Iran was ready to abandon its nuclear pursuits prior to the signing of the now infamous deal with U.S. President Barack Obama. According to the official, the Iranian negotiating team was ready to acquiesce to all demands made by the international community, but...
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has inflicted terrible costs in blood and treasure. But a new loss has recently been highlighted by a number of Middle East analysts and entertainment magazines. TMZ Mid-East analyst, DJ Izzypal explained; “What we have here is a chance for the next Brangelina, if only a peace treaty could be signed. The world has been watching Bibi...
As a result of pressure from groups like BDS, some countries have begun demanding that products originating from illegal Israeli settlements in the West Bank be labeled as such so as to allow consumers the option of avoiding them. While most BDS members rejoice whenever such policies are adopted, it has been revealed that many members feel something is lacking. A subgroup...
The ‘American Empire’ is more than just the name of a boring college class taught by some old commie at one of the U.S.’s many liberal arts feel-gooderies– it’s a system that some liberals claim is the root of all the world’s ills. From famine in Africa and wars in the Middle East, to the Boston Red Sox and Kim...
For years, Israeli-Arabs have complained that they are treated like second-class citizens in their own country. The Israeli government has long denied this claim, maintaining that Israeli-Arabs have enough rights and to stop being such a bunch of whiners. Now in response to the complaints, the Israeli government has decided to officially bump Israeli-Arabs from second class to coach class,...
Today, as the threat of violent attacks perpetrated by ISIS-inspired individuals has Western nations increasingly concerned about terror cells and lone wolves, ISIS officials implored their own people take precautions as well. Leaders of the Islamic State have learned that a number of clandestine “liberalized” cells may threaten the society they have worked to hard to build. Officials warn that...
In the wake of a of stabbing attack that left two Israelis dead, a coalition of Arab countries have released a statement condemning Israeli forces for their killing of the Palestinian assailants. Though this type of public shaming is not unusual for these kinds of situations, it appears that this time, the normally Human Rights-centric veneer has been dropped. The...
In the latest outbreak of violence in the long saga of Israel and the Palestinians, numerous stabbings have been carried out against Israeli soldiers and civilians. As should be expected at this point for any news coming out of this region, opinions on the attacks are polarized. Some groups, most notably, The Asshole Lobby, have praised the attacks, calling them...
Following a yet another mass shooting in the United States, this time in San Bernardino, CA, which left 14 people dead, ISIS leaders made their pleasure at the violence known. “This is exactly what we hope for. The Great Satan will destroy itself through the normalization of gun violence,” a statement released on social media announced earlier today. “Look at...
As questions of how to approach the massive influx of Middle Eastern refugees into European nations grow louder and louder with each passing day, it seems that everyone has given their two cents, other than the people being discussed. While every country has been asked whether they’d take refugees, no one has bothered to ask the refugees where they’d like to...
In the time that has passed since the terror attacks in France, everyone from President Obama to your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving has weighed in on how the world’s number one exporter of baguettes and lovesick skunks should respond. Right wing demagogues have advocated for a merciless, chest thumping, scorched-earth type of approach to ISIS’s actions while liberals, sometimes called...
Today, a group of Muslim states including the Islamic Republic of Iran, the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan, and the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, released a statement making clear that they view Israel’s existence as a Jewish State as being contrary to the ideals of democracy and human welfare. The statement posited, “How can a state based upon serving a single...
In most professions, the better someone is at what they do, the more well known they become. In fact, this is the goal for many careers, such as acting, playing basketball, or even writing for a website focused on satirizing one oddly specific and batshit crazy part of the globe. However, one career path where the absolute opposite is true...
