Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.
Not since we all tried to figure out whether that damn dress was black and blue or white and gold has the public been as polarized as it is now by the topic of “safe spaces” on U.S. college campuses. Safe spaces are normally demanded by those who see themselves as being part of minority groups worthy of protection from criticism or...
The questions usually asked whenever conflict erupts in the Middle East are, “How can we stop this?”, Who started it?” or “Again, really?” But now, some Middle East analysts are starting to ask an entirely new question: “What if everyone just ‘chilled the fuck out’?” We spoke with Ezra Goldstein, head of a Washington DC based think-tank, about where this...
“What emotion are they feeling?!” asked a befuddled Twitter user earlier today following the release of a new emojis series from Apple. Featuring niqab-clad faces displaying a wide range of emotions for users to choose from, the new emojis came with a statement from Apple, explaining the additions. According to the tech giant, “After we introduced more racially sensitive emoji...
UNESCO, the Ben Stiller to the international community’s Smithsonian Museum, is tasked with protecting the treasures of different cultures from themselves and each other. Following the uproar about the Jerusalem Holy Site resolution, UNESCO apparently decided to one-up itself earlier today by challenging its own historic connection to relevance in the international sphere. “We’ve had a presence on the international...
In a statement to the media today, the Democratic presidential nominee addressed sexist analyses of her qualifications. Hillary Clinton spoke directly to those critics claiming that America just isn’t ready for its first female President, maintaining her trademark air of stately confidence, with just a hint of bitterness at potentially having the Oval Office snatched out of her hands yet...
With Donald Trump as the Republican presidential nominee, many analysts have already gone so far as to declare the GOP brain dead, even if it still remains on life support. Diagnoses have already been made explaining just how the proud party of Lincoln wound up belonging in a golden asylum with ‘TRUMP’ written in giant letters on the front, with...
IRAQ – Territory controlled by ISIS is a bit like a seedy strip club, nobody inside really wins, but it’s especially bad for the women there. As more information leaks out of the caliphate the world is finding out how dysfunctional and unhealthy it is on the inside, just like the souls of men in that strip club. With the...
Earlier today, when confronted with the question of why Israel has been expanding settlements in the West Bank recently, Knesset MP Yaron Cham responded with a novel answer. He claims that contrary to what many people say about Israel, the state isn’t expanding. Rather, Israel is just “big boned.” Furthermore, MP Cham seems to be offended at the very notion,...
“Are you tired of having to buy cumbersome and expensive body bags after finishing an honor killing?” Asks a new Saudi Arabian commercial, “then you need the Burkbody Bag!” Honor killings are, much like Bill Cosby, a disturbing reality for too many women across the world. And while this type of murder is viewed by the international community as being...
RIO DE JANEIRO- The Olympics, like Black Friday at Macy’s, are thought of as a place where people fight each other for pieces of jewelry, regardless of their race or ethnicity. But, this normally pure pursuit has been marred by some classic, middle school bullying. So far, Lebanese athletes refused to share a bus with Israelis athletes, and Saudi and...
RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – While the rest of the world revels in the spectacle of the Olympic games, and quakes in fear of the Zika virus coming home with their athletes, one group is engrossed in the competition for an entirely different reason. “I’m so glad I planned it this way,” Donald Trump told his staff this week, “I’m such a genius for scheduling the...
AL-HAWIJA, IRAQ — Shockwaves are reverberating through ISIS leadership today, and this time, they aren’t from drone strikes. According to sources, top ISIS executioner and Jihadi John successor, Radicalized Randy, has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. Randy is the latest in a string of public figures accused of doping, joining the company of most Russian Olympic athletes, who ostensibly...
With polls showing Hillary Clinton with a sizable lead following the Democratic convention, Republican presidential candidate and former Carrot Top impersonator Donald Trump has announced that his campaign will now target disillusioned “ISIS-American” voters this fall. “Now crooked Hillary may be too politically correct to say, ‘There is no God but Allah, and Muhammed is his prophet,’ but, believe me,...
ISTANBUL — The ‘chicken coup’, as the most recent Turkish government overthrow attempt has come to be called, has left the world confused and angry in a way that it hasn’t been since the end of the movie Inception. It’s the uncertainty that’s making everyone nervous, as no one seems to know what the repercussions of such a failure will be...
QUANTICO — For years, Americans have been told to fear the looming monster of a nuclear Iran, and so we have. But, in a classic M. Night Shyamalan twist, the real monsters were in our pockets all along. Pocket Monsters ‘Pokémon,’ as they’re called on the street, have begun to pop up across the United States thanks to the new...
In the wake of the latest deadly ISIS attack killing over 200 people in Baghdad, the United States Air Force has finally decided on a robust response of airdropping ‘thoughts and prayers.’ Which is kind of like when you offer your significant other a coupon for a free backrub because you didn’t put in the effort to actually go shopping. ...
If there’s one thing people love more than Jennifer Lawrence talking about pizza, it’s debating foreign policy while bodies are still cooling from the most recent and tragic terror attack. This week’s massacre du jour took place in a country named after a staple of the American diet, no, not Greece. Turkey. At least 42 people have died in the...
Earlier this week, Turkish President and rotting Jack-o-lantern if you used a testicle instead of a pumpkin, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, made the news yet again by bashing women everywhere… yet again. The doofy leader delivered a speech during which he criticized women who might choose to do silly things like prioritize their careers over having children, accusing them of “denying...
Star rapist Stanford student Brock Turner has become a household name this week, but in the way a pus-filled hemorrhoid or sickening growth needs to be dealt with, preferably with some kind of disinfecting agent. Caught treating an unconscious woman like the wading pool he takes a few laps in from time to time, and then succeeding to dodge proper...
As the leader of a country named after God’s goofiest, least majestic bird, it should be no surprise that Recep Tayyip Erdogan tends to reflect the turkey’s clumsier, more doofy qualities. The Turkey’ish President was reported to have recently suggested that Muslims shouldn’t use birth control so that, like a sitcom on its last legs, they have more kids in...
