Danny Nash

Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.

 

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Following months of airstrikes over the embattled country of Yemen, Saudi Arabia has finally declared victory. “We could not allow this type of unrest to grow on our border,” announced Saudi military leaders. “We will prevail. Houthis, Al Qaeda, non-violent women and children, soon they’ll all submit to the might of the Saudi military.” RELATED: Reporters Disappointed that Yemen Just Always Looked...

Israelis, Palestinians Sign “Agree to Disagree” Accords

Israelis, Palestinians Sign “Agree to Disagree” Accords

One thing there’s no shortage of in the Middle East is narratives.  In this region, where borders are violated more often than an apple pie by Jason Biggs, everyone’s got an idea about who did what to whom and when.  Nowhere is that more true than between the nebulous borders of Israel and the Palestinian Territories – the Middle East’s...

Fans Fear God Can’t Think of Ending For Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
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Fans Fear God Can’t Think of Ending For Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Popular author, God, has millions of fans all over the world. They literally worship the ground he walks on, and his best-selling books have sold hundreds of millions of copies. For years, God’s fans have reveled in the ongoing drama of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The action packed and dramatic saga has been popular news for decades. However some fans are...

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career
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Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client.  “You expect to get away from it...

Pro and Anti-Israel Groups Agree: You Need to Spend More Time Thinking about Israel
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Pro and Anti-Israel Groups Agree: You Need to Spend More Time Thinking about Israel

“Just think about all of the things Israel does, and you’ll know how to feel about the state!” Interestingly, this claim could have been made by either side of the “Israel is great v. Israel is terrible” debate. Pro-Israel activists and anti-Israel activists disagree on nearly every point, interpreting every fact as supporting their position over that of their rivals’....

Report: Israel Is Top Existential Threat To the Word “Existential”
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Report: Israel Is Top Existential Threat To the Word “Existential”

Earlier today, one of the leading online dictionary websites expressed its concern at the prospect of the word “existential” losing all meaning. Other experts have weighed in on this concern, removing all doubt that it is misplaced. The senior wordologist at Harvard University, Dr. Harvey Crimpus, told The Mideast Beast, “Words have to mean things. If they don’t mean things,...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque
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Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much...

Special Report: A Bunch of Our Guys Killed a Bunch of Their Guys
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Special Report: A Bunch of Our Guys Killed a Bunch of Their Guys

Military sources have confirmed rumors that a covert operation resulted in a number of their guys being killed in combat by a group of our guys. According to initial reports, a small group of their guys was engaged in the kind of shenanigans that our government has warned against. In response to the shenaniganizing in our territory, our government decided...

ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities
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ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities

Not since we all tried to figure out whether that damn dress was black and blue or white and gold has the public been as polarized as it is now by the topic of “safe spaces” on U.S. college campuses.  Safe spaces are normally demanded by those who see themselves as being part of minority groups worthy of protection from criticism or...

Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion
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Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion

“What emotion are they feeling?!” asked a befuddled Twitter user earlier today following the release of a new emojis series from Apple. Featuring niqab-clad faces displaying a wide range of emotions for users to choose from, the new emojis came with a statement from Apple, explaining the additions. According to the tech giant, “After we introduced more racially sensitive emoji...

New UNESCO Resolution Challenges Agency’s Historic Connection to Relevance
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New UNESCO Resolution Challenges Agency’s Historic Connection to Relevance

UNESCO, the Ben Stiller to the international community’s Smithsonian Museum, is tasked with protecting the treasures of different cultures from themselves and each other.  Following the uproar about the Jerusalem Holy Site resolution, UNESCO apparently decided to one-up itself earlier today by challenging its own historic connection to relevance in the international sphere. “We’ve had a presence on the international...

Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
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Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

In a statement to the media today, the Democratic presidential nominee addressed sexist analyses of her qualifications.  Hillary Clinton spoke directly to those critics claiming that America just isn’t ready for its first female President, maintaining her trademark air of stately confidence, with just a hint of bitterness at potentially having the Oval Office snatched out of her hands yet...

Minister of Parliament: Israel “Not Expanding,” State is Just “Big Boned”

Minister of Parliament: Israel “Not Expanding,” State is Just “Big Boned”

Earlier today, when confronted with the question of why Israel has been expanding settlements in the West Bank recently, Knesset MP Yaron Cham responded with a novel answer.  He claims that contrary to what many people say about Israel, the state isn’t expanding.  Rather, Israel is just “big boned.” Furthermore, MP Cham seems to be offended at the very notion,...