Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.
Over the course of his campaign, President Trump made it clear that he intended to deal with the Iranian regime by utilizing the same skills he used to pay someone else to write The Art of the Deal. But a few years on, he has discovered that the Iranian regime won’t just follow your lead like a piece of toilet...
In a stunning ruling this week, an Alabama court has decided to make two simultaneous statements, one about the rights of fetuses as they relate to the rights of the women carrying them, and the other about the rights of States as they relate to common sense, the equality of women, and the general progress of civilization. The lawsuit was...
Amid fears that anti-Semitism is beginning to rear its ugly head on the once fertile, Jew-hating soil of Europe, an exodus off the continent has begun. Jews are starting to treat Europe like a bagel shop that ran out of lox, with more and more leaving every year. Many theories have been put forward as to why this migration is...
JERUSALEM – At a surprise press conference today, the Israeli Prime Minister stood at the podium, with the visage of a pointy-headed ghoul standing adjacent to him. But luckily for Bibi, this time the looming presence behind him wasn’t the Israeli attorney general carrying a bag full of indictments. Instead, it was none other than Rita Repulsa, would-be conqueror of...
Today, incumbent Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu made a statement directed at his electorate on the topic of his possible reelection. While most news agencies were focused on the Prime Minister’s apparent renege on his previous commitment to a two state solution with the Palestinians, we were more interested in something he alluded to later on. “I find that the best...
“Guilty,” said the Israeli judge, relaying the verdict of two Palestinian teens that stood accused of carrying out a terror attack that left several Israelis wounded. The teens, who make up the worst duo since Milli Vanilli, didn’t react to their verdict until they heard the sentence. “We were mentally prepared to spend time in an Israeli prison,” one teen...
Did you know that Florida is the only place on Earth where you can find both alligators and crocodiles? If you lived in the Gaza Strip, you would. This was just one Israeli knowledge bomb dropped on the small Palestinian territory in the last few days. Gazans fled in terror as they heard Israeli fighter jets approaching, and continued to...
A delegation representing the Palestinian Authority has appeared before UN leadership requesting the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to be renamed. As PA representative Mahmoud Said told the UN, “For too long, we’ve been told that we don’t deserve top billing in this conflict. For too long, our children have grown up in a world where they are billed second to the Zionists....
While claims of wrongdoing on the part of the Jewish State are not at all rare coming from Muslim nations, many maintain a “we’ve heard it all” mentality towards the claims. And though excuses may be like assholes, in that everyone has one and they all stink, accusations of Israeli crimes are more like Halal food farts – not all...
HAIFA- Engineers at the Technion (Israel Institute of Technology), have announced their intention to solve one of the greatest hurdles to everyday travel by jetpack. With the popularity of Iron Man and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, an increasing number of individuals and companies have attempted to build working jetpacks. But regardless of their fuel efficiency, potential speed, or likelihood of...
Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately. Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.” Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups,...
Following months of airstrikes over the embattled country of Yemen, Saudi Arabia has finally declared victory. “We could not allow this type of unrest to grow on our border,” announced Saudi military leaders. “We will prevail. Houthis, Al Qaeda, non-violent women and children, soon they’ll all submit to the might of the Saudi military.” RELATED: Reporters Disappointed that Yemen Just Always Looked...
One thing there’s no shortage of in the Middle East is narratives. In this region, where borders are violated more often than an apple pie by Jason Biggs, everyone’s got an idea about who did what to whom and when. Nowhere is that more true than between the nebulous borders of Israel and the Palestinian Territories – the Middle East’s...
JERUSALEM — Everything about Israel is complicated. Its milk comes in bags, its wars are short and yet never seem to end, and it’s a tech power house where you couldn’t find an iPod charger until like five years ago. So it should come as no surprise that some people are upset that the Jewish State gets an annual allowance...
Popular author, God, has millions of fans all over the world. They literally worship the ground he walks on, and his best-selling books have sold hundreds of millions of copies. For years, God’s fans have reveled in the ongoing drama of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The action packed and dramatic saga has been popular news for decades. However some fans are...
“Just think about all of the things Israel does, and you’ll know how to feel about the state!” Interestingly, this claim could have been made by either side of the “Israel is great v. Israel is terrible” debate. Pro-Israel activists and anti-Israel activists disagree on nearly every point, interpreting every fact as supporting their position over that of their rivals’....
Amid a level of controversy normally reserved for deciding whether to raise or lower White House flags in honor of dead Senators, the Knesset passed a bill declaring Israel the nation-state of the Jewish people. Even with tensions running higher than a Birthright kid who just hiked up Masada while smoking a joint, The Mideast Beast has learned that all...
TATOOINE — In what has to be the saddest thing to happen on Tatooine since we saw the scorched skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Shmi, a young Jawa’s dreams were crushed this week. The teenage scavenger, like many vacationers his age, had hoped to visit the famed beaches of France in order to meet chicks. But dreams are easily...
Earlier today, one of the leading online dictionary websites expressed its concern at the prospect of the word “existential” losing all meaning. Other experts have weighed in on this concern, removing all doubt that it is misplaced. The senior wordologist at Harvard University, Dr. Harvey Crimpus, told The Mideast Beast, “Words have to mean things. If they don’t mean things,...
Military sources have confirmed rumors that a covert operation resulted in a number of their guys being killed in combat by a group of our guys. According to initial reports, a small group of their guys was engaged in the kind of shenanigans that our government has warned against. In response to the shenaniganizing in our territory, our government decided...
