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Responding to Omar’s Request for Federal Aid, Trump Offers Support of the IDF

Responding to Omar’s Request for Federal Aid, Trump Offers Support of the IDF

Last week, US Representative from Minnesota, Ilhan Omar, famous for her anti-Israel position and her weird obsession with someone named Benjamin and everything being about him, shocked the nation when she requested federal aid to deal with the damage and surging violence caused by the protests in Minneapolis. Though he had previously stated that no blue states were going to...

Women Thrilled to Learn Israel Only Violator of Women’s Rights

Women Thrilled to Learn Israel Only Violator of Women’s Rights

Calling it a miracle that all but one nation in the world now respects women’s rights, feminist organizations from across the globe are celebrating a recent UN resolution naming Israel as the world’s only women’s rights violator.  “For years, we witnessed brutal oppression of women in counties like Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, honor killings in Pakistan, and the use of rape as...

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus of Nazareth has confirmed what many Christians have feared for centuries: Passover is a way cooler holiday than Easter. “I just like how Passover is all organized with a manual for dummies and all,” said the former failed carpenter-turned-shepherd of salvation. “Easter is just very haphazard, even I can’t keep track...

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Did you know that Florida is the only place on Earth where you can find both alligators and crocodiles? If you lived in the Gaza Strip, you would. This was just one Israeli knowledge bomb dropped on the small Palestinian territory in the last few days. Gazans fled in terror as they heard Israeli fighter jets approaching, and continued to...

Howard Schultz Moves to Syria to Launch Moderate Rebel Group

Howard Schultz Moves to Syria to Launch Moderate Rebel Group

Criticizing what he sees as extremism on both sides of the Syrian Civil War, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has moved to Damascus and plans to launch a moderate militia to compete with both the Assad regime and ISIS. “It really feels like everyone in this conflict is either a genocidal dictator or a radical jihadi. What happened to all the...

God ‘Totally Kidding About the Foreskin Thing’

God ‘Totally Kidding About the Foreskin Thing’

In a stunning revelation, God has descended down to Jerusalem to explain that he was, “totally kidding about the foreskin thing,” and is asking everybody to “hold the fuck up with the slice and dice.” “Gabriel and I got really drunk, remembering the time we convinced Abraham to sacrifice his son. Then I bet him I could talk Moses into...

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Following months of airstrikes over the embattled country of Yemen, Saudi Arabia has finally declared victory. “We could not allow this type of unrest to grow on our border,” announced Saudi military leaders. “We will prevail. Houthis, Al Qaeda, non-violent women and children, soon they’ll all submit to the might of the Saudi military.” RELATED: Reporters Disappointed that Yemen Just Always Looked...

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

Previously united in their desire to forge a new Caliphate establishing their vision of ‘pure Islam’, ISIS has descended into acrimony over the contentious issue of ‘hair management’ in women’s nether regions. “The war with the infidel must be fought on every front,” declared Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, “even the awrah (Arabic for ‘hooha’) of the righteous. Do not succumb...

Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur on ‘Make Up Sexy Headline, Rinse, Lather, Repeat’
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Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur on ‘Make Up Sexy Headline, Rinse, Lather, Repeat’

Reality is a lot like reality TV, the more fake it is, the more the truth sticks out. On this episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone has a deep conflicted conversation with Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur. From his complicated name, to the complicated Middle East, to the complications of being a journalist when...

Alternative Facts Might Just Be The Veil Of Truth For 2018

Alternative Facts Might Just Be The Veil Of Truth For 2018

With protests in Iran, fighting in Pakistan, and the usual failure of peace talks between Israelis and Palestinians, maybe Trump’s bizarre tweets are the “simple solution.” Hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss how tweets make headlines, headlines sound fake, and fake is now killing satire. After all, if the headlines sound like a joke, then what material do we...

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says
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‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says...

ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap

ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap

The confusion at the 89th Academy Awards ceremony, where Moonlight was crowned the Best Picture after La La Land had already been announced, has drawn a heartfelt message from frequent battlefield losers, ISIS. In an open-letter they share their astonishment at the grace displayed by La La Land producers who had to give up their Oscar gold: “We are very...

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

There’s one Middle Eastern nation that sees the chaos in the region, as well as the waves that Donald Trump has caused in the first two weeks of his administration as a massive plus: Qatar. Why? According to their leader Hamad Bin Khalifa al-Thani, “because just about everyone’s forgotten we’re hosting the world cup in five years. The vote by...

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

RAMALLAH – Palestinians are hurriedly preparing for President-elect Donald Trump’s upcoming Holy Land trip, bracing themselves for a potential onslaught of derogatory abuse. “Look, we’ve been called just about everything by the Israelis – liars, thieves, stinking Arab terrorists, genocidal Islamo-Nazi anti-Semites and more” said Marwan, a 71-year-old mechanic, “but Trump calling us rapists, like he did the Mexicans, would...

ISIS Recruiting Website Crashes Following Trump’s Win

ISIS Recruiting Website Crashes Following Trump’s Win

ISIS’s IT team has been working non-stop to get their recruiting pages back on the net, after a massive uptick of new recruits caused them to crash early Friday. Data shows that the increase in recruitment did not happen the day after the election, but rather closer to the weekend. Experts link the delay with recruits’ initial assumption that the...