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Women Thrilled to Learn Israel Only Violator of Women’s Rights

Women Thrilled to Learn Israel Only Violator of Women’s Rights

Calling it a miracle that all but one nation in the world now respects women’s rights, feminist organizations from across the globe are celebrating a recent UN resolution naming Israel as the world’s only women’s rights violator.  “For years, we witnessed brutal oppression of women in counties like Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, honor killings in Pakistan, and the use of rape as a weapon of war in the Congo,” Joanna Manganara, the president of the International Alliance of Women, told The Mideast...

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus of Nazareth has confirmed what many Christians have feared for centuries: Passover is a way cooler holiday than Easter. “I just like how Passover is all organized with a manual for dummies and all,” said the former failed carpenter-turned-shepherd of salvation. “Easter is just very haphazard, even I can’t keep track of half the things you’re supposed to be doing. Also, why is there a rabbit? Seriously, who made that shit...

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Did you know that Florida is the only place on Earth where you can find both alligators and crocodiles? If you lived in the Gaza Strip, you would. This was just one Israeli knowledge bomb dropped on the small Palestinian territory in the last few days. Gazans fled in terror as they heard Israeli fighter jets approaching, and continued to flee once it became apparent that the jets were dropping flyers containing interesting trivia. Flyers taught readers that Mozart first...

Howard Schultz Moves to Syria to Launch Moderate Rebel Group

Howard Schultz Moves to Syria to Launch Moderate Rebel Group

Criticizing what he sees as extremism on both sides of the Syrian Civil War, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has moved to Damascus and plans to launch a moderate militia to compete with both the Assad regime and ISIS. “It really feels like everyone in this conflict is either a genocidal dictator or a radical jihadi. What happened to all the moderate rebels?” Schultz asked. “Most of the population doesn’t like Assad or ISIS and is looking for someone moderate, like...

God ‘Totally Kidding About the Foreskin Thing’

God ‘Totally Kidding About the Foreskin Thing’

In a stunning revelation, God has descended down to Jerusalem to explain that he was, “totally kidding about the foreskin thing,” and is asking everybody to “hold the fuck up with the slice and dice.” “Gabriel and I got really drunk, remembering the time we convinced Abraham to sacrifice his son. Then I bet him I could talk Moses into cutting off the tip of his dick, and I sort of blacked out. Weird night. Anyways, 4,000 years later I...

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Following months of airstrikes over the embattled country of Yemen, Saudi Arabia has finally declared victory. “We could not allow this type of unrest to grow on our border,” announced Saudi military leaders. “We will prevail. Houthis, Al Qaeda, non-violent women and children, soon they’ll all submit to the might of the Saudi military.” RELATED: Reporters Disappointed that Yemen Just Always Looked Like That Claims of civilian fatalities seem to be far from unusual, but the real crisis is in the destruction...

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

Previously united in their desire to forge a new Caliphate establishing their vision of ‘pure Islam’, ISIS has descended into acrimony over the contentious issue of ‘hair management’ in women’s nether regions. “The war with the infidel must be fought on every front,” declared Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, “even the awrah (Arabic for ‘hooha’) of the righteous. Do not succumb to these abominable Zionist practices.” ISIS soldiers, long known for their porn consumption, responded with disbelief. “Even a trim is...

New Poll: 81% of Syrians Thought Coalition Strikes “Just Regular Civil War Shit”

New Poll: 81% of Syrians Thought Coalition Strikes “Just Regular Civil War Shit”

In the wake of US, UK, and French airstrikes on Syria, a new poll by the University of Damascus indicated that 63% of the population thought the bombing was “nothing out of the ordinary”. “I woke up to the regular sound of civil war,” said an eyewitness. “I wish I had known about the airstrike. I could have skipped work.” The data was described by an expert as unremarkable. “Wait, the airstrikes were done by whom?” said a researcher at...

Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur on ‘Make Up Sexy Headline, Rinse, Lather, Repeat’

Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur on ‘Make Up Sexy Headline, Rinse, Lather, Repeat’

Reality is a lot like reality TV, the more fake it is, the more the truth sticks out. On this episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone has a deep conflicted conversation with Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur. From his complicated name, to the complicated Middle East, to the complications of being a journalist when it comes to telling the story, the two battle it out to figure it out: reality. beliefs. emotions. And if...

Israel Takes Home Gold for Drone Hunting in Middle East Winter Olympic Games

Israel Takes Home Gold for Drone Hunting in Middle East Winter Olympic Games

On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles talk war games, as in, is Israel at war or is this just a politically savvy game to change the headlines? More importantly, is anyone actually watching the Olympics? Is there an Israeli team that could take home the gold in such sports as curling, or should Israel stick to shooting drones in the Middle East? Or, better yet, is that once again another politically...

Fight the Power: Help TMB Overcome Facebook’s “Screw You” Update to News Feeds

Fight the Power: Help TMB Overcome Facebook’s “Screw You” Update to News Feeds

So… TMB is able to survive and flourish thanks, in a huge way, to our fantastic and loyal Facebook followers (that’s YOU!!). The wise-owls at Facebook decided a couple of weeks ago to completely change the way they decide if people see posts from Pages that they follow. Sadly, this change is a big issue for content providers, like us. We’re sure there is a good ‘big business’ / ‘algorithm’ justification, but for sites like ours, it’s a killer change....

Alternative Facts Might Just Be The Veil Of Truth For 2018

Alternative Facts Might Just Be The Veil Of Truth For 2018

With protests in Iran, fighting in Pakistan, and the usual failure of peace talks between Israelis and Palestinians, maybe Trump’s bizarre tweets are the “simple solution.” Hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss how tweets make headlines, headlines sound fake, and fake is now killing satire. After all, if the headlines sound like a joke, then what material do we have to work with? It’s a conversation you’ll want to be a part of, even if it means you may...

The Color of Pink: Feminists and Lady Soldiers

The Color of Pink: Feminists and Lady Soldiers

Alex and Molly are back in this new TMB podcast. Is Linda Sarsour a real feminist and are you really OK with women in the army? Let us tell you what to think on this episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast. Click here to listen...

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says is ‘Bashar is so great, Bashar is so loyal, why can’t you be more like Bashar?’ Trump told The Mideast...

ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap

ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap

The confusion at the 89th Academy Awards ceremony, where Moonlight was crowned the Best Picture after La La Land had already been announced, has drawn a heartfelt message from frequent battlefield losers, ISIS. In an open-letter they share their astonishment at the grace displayed by La La Land producers who had to give up their Oscar gold: “We are very impressed by the way they lost. We lose all the time, like right now in Mosul. It’s not going well,...

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

There’s one Middle Eastern nation that sees the chaos in the region, as well as the waves that Donald Trump has caused in the first two weeks of his administration as a massive plus: Qatar. Why? According to their leader Hamad Bin Khalifa al-Thani, “because just about everyone’s forgotten we’re hosting the world cup in five years. The vote by FIFA, soccer’s governing body, awarded Qatar the right to host the World Cup in 2010, initially causing controversy on allegations...

Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”

Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”

Hailing the U.S. President-elect’s “strength, wealth and galactic levels of narcissism and sexual predatorism,” Syria’s Bashar al-Assad has crowned Donald J. Trump “the United States of America’s first Middle Eastern President.” “I take great pride in your election,” said al-Assad, according to a transcript of a phone call between the two released online this morning by the Syrian Presidency. “As we Middle Eastern leaders know, journalists are liars, constitutions are for pussies, protestors must be crushed like mosquitoes, and women,...

Russian Foreign Minister Realizes John Kerry Has Been Serious This Whole Time

Russian Foreign Minister Realizes John Kerry Has Been Serious This Whole Time

MOSCOW — Earlier this week Secretary of State John Kerry called on all sides involved in the war to take steps toward finding a political solution to the mass murder in Syria; that’s when it dawned on Russian Foreign minister Sergey Lavrov: John Kerry has been totally fucking serious this entire time. In an interview Lavrov told The Mideast Beast: “I mean, come on, how many times can you call for a ceasefire? After the whole chemical weapons red line...

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

RAMALLAH – Palestinians are hurriedly preparing for President-elect Donald Trump’s upcoming Holy Land trip, bracing themselves for a potential onslaught of derogatory abuse. “Look, we’ve been called just about everything by the Israelis – liars, thieves, stinking Arab terrorists, genocidal Islamo-Nazi anti-Semites and more” said Marwan, a 71-year-old mechanic, “but Trump calling us rapists, like he did the Mexicans, would really hurt our feelings.” “Call us what you may, but we don’t rape Jewish women, and Jews don’t rape ours...

ISIS Recruiting Website Crashes Following Trump’s Win

ISIS Recruiting Website Crashes Following Trump’s Win

ISIS’s IT team has been working non-stop to get their recruiting pages back on the net, after a massive uptick of new recruits caused them to crash early Friday. Data shows that the increase in recruitment did not happen the day after the election, but rather closer to the weekend. Experts link the delay with recruits’ initial assumption that the candidate who received the most votes won. This changed when Trump supporter’s explanation of the electoral system began to infiltrate...