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FiveThirtyEight Regrets Discounting Taliban Endorsement

FiveThirtyEight Regrets Discounting Taliban Endorsement

After a tense night of getting the polls disastrously wrong yet again, Nate Silver has publicly apologized for failing to count the Taliban’s endorsement of Donald Trump as politically significant. Although the political elites smugly dismissed the Taliban’s statement in support of a second Trump presidential term, they clearly had a strong effect on voter turnout yesterday, as no other...

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Did you know that Florida is the only place on Earth where you can find both alligators and crocodiles? If you lived in the Gaza Strip, you would. This was just one Israeli knowledge bomb dropped on the small Palestinian territory in the last few days. Gazans fled in terror as they heard Israeli fighter jets approaching, and continued to...

Howard Schultz Moves to Syria to Launch Moderate Rebel Group

Howard Schultz Moves to Syria to Launch Moderate Rebel Group

Criticizing what he sees as extremism on both sides of the Syrian Civil War, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has moved to Damascus and plans to launch a moderate militia to compete with both the Assad regime and ISIS. “It really feels like everyone in this conflict is either a genocidal dictator or a radical jihadi. What happened to all the...

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

Previously united in their desire to forge a new Caliphate establishing their vision of ‘pure Islam’, ISIS has descended into acrimony over the contentious issue of ‘hair management’ in women’s nether regions. “The war with the infidel must be fought on every front,” declared Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, “even the awrah (Arabic for ‘hooha’) of the righteous. Do not succumb...

YidLife Crisis Episode 1: Breaking The Fast

YidLife Crisis Episode 1: Breaking The Fast

Assembling at Montreal’s Holy Temple of poutine, La Banquise, on the Jewish calendar’s holiest day of the year, Yom Kippur, Chaimie and Leizer argue about the meaning of the ritual of fasting while inevitably ritually eating.   Producers Producers are Jamie Elman Eli Batalion Philip Kalin-Hajdu Read their bios...

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says
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‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says...

ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap

ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap

The confusion at the 89th Academy Awards ceremony, where Moonlight was crowned the Best Picture after La La Land had already been announced, has drawn a heartfelt message from frequent battlefield losers, ISIS. In an open-letter they share their astonishment at the grace displayed by La La Land producers who had to give up their Oscar gold: “We are very...

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

There’s one Middle Eastern nation that sees the chaos in the region, as well as the waves that Donald Trump has caused in the first two weeks of his administration as a massive plus: Qatar. Why? According to their leader Hamad Bin Khalifa al-Thani, “because just about everyone’s forgotten we’re hosting the world cup in five years. The vote by...

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

RAMALLAH – Palestinians are hurriedly preparing for President-elect Donald Trump’s upcoming Holy Land trip, bracing themselves for a potential onslaught of derogatory abuse. “Look, we’ve been called just about everything by the Israelis – liars, thieves, stinking Arab terrorists, genocidal Islamo-Nazi anti-Semites and more” said Marwan, a 71-year-old mechanic, “but Trump calling us rapists, like he did the Mexicans, would...

ISIS Recruiting Website Crashes Following Trump’s Win

ISIS Recruiting Website Crashes Following Trump’s Win

ISIS’s IT team has been working non-stop to get their recruiting pages back on the net, after a massive uptick of new recruits caused them to crash early Friday. Data shows that the increase in recruitment did not happen the day after the election, but rather closer to the weekend. Experts link the delay with recruits’ initial assumption that the...

Eyeing Pennsylvania’s Syrian Voters, Clinton Recalls “Fleeing Chicago Sniper Fire as Child Refugee”
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Eyeing Pennsylvania’s Syrian Voters, Clinton Recalls “Fleeing Chicago Sniper Fire as Child Refugee”

ALLENTOWN, PA – At a rally in America’s ‘Little Syria,’ Hillary Clinton once again reaffirmed her reputation for saying or doing absolutely anything to get elected. “I’ll never forget that harrowing day when we fled violence-plagued Chicago for the safety of the suburbs,” a teary-eyed Democratic U.S. Presidential frontrunner told the crowd ahead of the Keystone State’s Tuesday primary. “And the...

Netanyahu Tasks Ben Carson with Protecting Jerusalem

Netanyahu Tasks Ben Carson with Protecting Jerusalem

After Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s bold declaration that he would have attacked the gunman in the Oregon school shooting, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Carson has been brought to Jerusalem and tasked with protecting the city in the wake of a series of terror attacks. “It takes great courage to speak about acting heroically in the face of danger,”...

Madonna to Adopt One Israeli, One Palestinian Child

Madonna to Adopt One Israeli, One Palestinian Child

Just a few weeks after reports surfaced that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are in the process of adopting a boy from war-torn Syria, Queen of Pop Madonna – already mother to two adopted children from Africa – is reportedly looking to adopt two more, this time from the volatile holy land. According to reports on various celebrity news sites,...