Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.
We’ve all become accustomed to radical Islamists attacking cartoonists and novelists in the same way a teenager who sweats buckets while talking to girls, but who refuses to wear deodorant becomes accustomed to being alone on Friday nights– its something we don’t like when it happens, but we’re also not trying very hard to address the underlying issue. The reason usually...
A lot of energy has been spent disparaging Hillary Clinton throughout this Presidential rat race. Trump supporters, Bernie Bros – they’ve all taken their shots. But today, a new group added their two cents. The Secret Service has expressed concern that Clinton, who is known for having all the integrity of a deposed Nigerian prince e-mailing you to ask for money,...
When people try to describe The Elders of Zion, they often fall back on the age-old comparison to the puppeteers of the Muppets – no one knows who they are, or what they look like, but their hands are up all the most important asses, calling the shots. Today however, the world got a rare glimpse into the society that...
Senior Israeli Intelligence officials were witnesses to a highly unusual interrogation late last night, when Hamas members were observed using aggressive interrogation techniques on a number of unsuspecting victims. The two men were caught on camera running around an open field in the dark, yelling at, and sometimes striking, various trees and rocks. Intelligence translators determined that the pair was...
Everyone knows that Mecca is the holiest city in Islam. Fewer people know that the second holiest city for Muslims is Medina. Similarly, everyone knows that San Francisco is the holiest city in the world for homosexuals. However, for decades, homosexuality has lacked a second-holiest site. But that all changed this week, when homosexual clerics officially declared Tel Aviv to...
Given the state of politics today, many are starting to notice that extremes are kind of like Michael Bay movies: they tend to attract a lot of people despite the fact that they tend to suck. Not since the bloody wars of Team Edward and Team Jacob have two parties been polarized by an issue to the degree that liberals...
The world is supposedly filled with a litany of legendary creatures claimed by some to actually exist. Many of these animals, despite being dismissed by most as hoaxes, have cultish followers that affirm their existence – terrifying monsters like Bigfoot, Nessie, and Cher. But while many of these creatures have eluded discovery for decades, a new one has now joined...
*Choose one of the options in the parentheses* For centuries, my ancestors lived in the ancient land of (Israel/Palestine). They lived there peacefully until they were driven out by colonizers who stole the land from them. Since that time, my people have suffered terribly at the hands of the (Israelis/Palestinians). What complicates the issue is that the (Israelis/Palestinians) believe...
While most mothers spend today getting breakfast in bed, cards with adorable spelling errors, and other gifts, a large group of mothers living in territories under ISIS’ control are having a different experience altogether. It appears that ISIS fighters have turned their violent attention to any mothers that are not their own. According to a press release from the terror...
“God, remember how it used to be?”, reminisces West Bank settler, Yuval Goldblatt. “Jews were just flat out hated. To be Jewish was to be in an exclusive club that nobody wanted to join or be in – but now? Everyone wants to be Jewish or has a Jewish friend. I think it’s about time we went back to the...
The world is still abuzz following the announcement of findings from a team of Oxford University researchers on the topic of Islamophobia. Like the word “consent” in a frat house, “Islamophobia” is a somewhat vague term that is applied to all kinds of situations, sometimes inappropriately. According to the researchers, levels of Islamophobia are strongly correlated with how sensitive Muslims...
“Every organization of any kind usually has more than one,” said IDF commander Daniel Shimshon earlier today, speaking about dicks. “Now, we definitely know that we have at least one.” These comments came on the heel of an event that, much like a high schooler’s poetry about the pain of being dumped after just six months (please come back, Stephanie!), was...
“For skiing!” That’s the answer ski mask salesman Steve Roberts gave to the question of how he thought Hamas officials were using his product. The man appears distraught at the thought that anyone would use ski masks for anything else. “They’re my life, and I just can’t bear to think about how these people are using the masks I’ve been...
With very few people still alive that remember the elation of finally defeating Hitler and his misleading concentration camp entry signs, many feel that it has become especially important for the international community to keep the event alive for future generations. A lot of ideas were kicked around at the United Nations, including the annual destruction of Hitler piñatas and...
Today the United Nations announced that the international community will not sit idly by while the fate of the Palestinians is decided, one way or the other. “We’ve kept significant progress being made for 68 years now, and we now know that the world is in agreement that this will not change,” stated Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. The Arab League...
History. Religion. Who makes better hummus. These are just a few of the points disagreed upon by Israelis and Palestinians. Like a Jaden Smith tweet that makes any sense, one could spend years combing through layers of nonsense for things Israelis and Palestinians agree on. But, it seems that the world has just become aware of another one of these...
Mossad Operatives are the kind of spooks that are often spoken of only in hushed whispers, feared by those hunted by them. But as it turns out, not all Mossad agents are sweaty, Middle Eastern James Bondses (Bondsi? We’ll get back to you on that.). Like all workplaces, it seems like Mossad employs a few guys that, well, kind of...
Following the announcement that Israel is planning to annex a large swath of the Jordan Valley, the International Criminal Court (ICC) has offered to take a look at the new bulge sticking out of Israel’s Eastern border. The international community noticed the lump this past week, and like any good friend that continually accuses you of war crimes, grew concerned...
Hamas issued a statement today in response to an announcement by the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) earlier this week that they plan on using Israelis as human shields in future armed conflict. ‘Operation Self-Defense,’ represents an apparent Israeli attempt to ‘fight fire with fire.’ “It just doesn’t seem fair that Hamas terrorists can hide behind their own citizens, while our...
Two Islamic superpowers are officially catfighting on the global stage in the newest Cold War. Following the execution of a popular Shiite cleric in Saudi Arabia, Iran and the Saudi Kingdom have cut ties faster than a speeding bullet. The two nations represent the two largest sects (that’s “sects,” not “sex,” you bunch of perverts) of Islam, Sunni and Shia....
