Danny Nash

Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.

 

Some Fear That Small Minority Not Loyal to State Might Sway Elections

Some Fear That Small Minority Not Loyal to State Might Sway Elections

Recently, average citizens have been becoming increasingly uncomfortable at the thought of a small group of voters, who could be described as a ‘demographic threat’, affecting the outcome of the next election. The fear is that this small band of people will vote, not for the good of the State at large, but for their own selfish self-interests. And while...

The Bi-Nationals Are Trying to Recruit Your Kids!
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The Bi-Nationals Are Trying to Recruit Your Kids!

Bi-nationality is a little understood phenomenon that many people are uncomfortable discussing. The condition, considered by many to be unnatural, manifests itself in a growing number of people who are citizens of two countries. Israeli-Americans are one of the most prevalent types, with more appearing every year. But the question of how this happens remains. Because bi-nationals can’t biologically reproduce...

“Protocols of the Youngsters of Zion” To Hit Shelves This Summer
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“Protocols of the Youngsters of Zion” To Hit Shelves This Summer

Earlier today a Saudi Arabian publisher announced that they would begin selling a new children’s book based on The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. The Protocols, originally published in Russia 1903, purport to outline the plan for Jewish global domination. (Spoiler alert: It hasn’t happened yet). Despite being revealed as a hoax in 1921, the work remains popular in...

BDS Movement Advises Nepalese Quake Victims to Boycott Israeli Aid

BDS Movement Advises Nepalese Quake Victims to Boycott Israeli Aid

In the wake of a massive earthquake that left thousands dead, injured, homeless, and without basic necessities in Nepal this week, leaders of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement (BDS) offered some advice to the small nation. “If you see people offering help under an Israeli flag in the coming weeks, we ask that you simply seek assistance elsewhere,” said...

Report: Friend Who Moved to Israel a Year Ago Still Smug About It

Report: Friend Who Moved to Israel a Year Ago Still Smug About It

Sources report that your friend who immigrated to Israel last year is still super smug about it. They continue to update Facebook constantly, with pictures of normal stuff; trees, smiling people, beaches, sunsets, and add the qualifier: “Only in Israel!” You are rightfully confused, because as far as you know, all those things exist in other places too. You’re pretty...

Israel to Install ‘Applause-O-Meter’ in Gaza to Gauge Severity of Terror Attacks

Israel to Install ‘Applause-O-Meter’ in Gaza to Gauge Severity of Terror Attacks

Israel has announced plans to install the Applause-O-Meter in the neighboring Gaza Strip. “Immediately following attacks in Israel, the Gaza Strip always erupts in celebration,” we were told by the IDF officer behind the project, Avner Benrimon. “There’s singing, dancing, clapping, treats, and general merriment. I just had the idea to take advantage of these activities.” The idea is to gain...

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo
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Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas has announced an uncharacteristic change in policy. The organization released a statement declaring their usual intent to destroy Israel, but this time, with something a little extra. “The animals living in the Zionist zoo will also be held accountable. They are as guilty of occupying Palestinian land as any big nosed bi-ped. Those meer cats might look cute, but...

United States Puts Israel In the ‘Friend Zone’

United States Puts Israel In the ‘Friend Zone’

In a clear sign of the continuously strained relationship between the US and Israel, and with Prime Minister Netanyahu’s speech to Congress, the White House has made the decision to put the Jewish State in the ‘friend zone’. ‘Friend zoning’ is a little-known Constitutional power given to the President, however, this is the first time it has ever been employed....

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag
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Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

In what can be definitively called one of Israel’s worst gaffes, a senior official appears to have inadvertently confirmed the existence of Israel’s long-mysterious nuclear program. While many critics have maintained for decades that Israel has been secretly stockpiling nuclear weapons, Israel has remained characteristically non-committal. According to witnesses of the error, a senior Israeli official was having a discussion...

Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study
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Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study

In the wake of another heroic murderous onslaught by three totally brave and noble guys at the French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, a new study has brought exciting new data to light. Killing on behalf of your beliefs is, in fact, totally cool. Not all religious people are extremists, but even those that are, are totally stand-up citizens, and we...

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing
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Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known...

Christian Baby Blood Declared Most Popular Drink in Israel
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Christian Baby Blood Declared Most Popular Drink in Israel

The votes have been tallied! Today it was announced that when the heat get to them, Israelis overwhelmingly prefer a refreshing glass of blood harvested from the offspring of Christ followers! The drink, traditionally used for cooking, has surged in popularity as of late, having fallen out of favor towards the end of the Middle Ages. The increase in demand...

One Old Windbag With a Bad Combover Speaks to Congress About a State Most Americans Don’t Care or Feel All That Strongly About: Why is this news?

One Old Windbag With a Bad Combover Speaks to Congress About a State Most Americans Don’t Care or Feel All That Strongly About: Why is this news?

Tuesday marked the day that Prime Minister Netanyahu officially joined the ranks of America’s most maligned inhabitants: Congressional Representatives. These beings, who according to myths of old, are put in office to make laws, are usually old, out-of-touch, and old. Why Netanyahu wants so badly to rub elbows with these pathetic souls is a mystery, but the fact remains that he...

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health
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ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George...

ISIS Petitions International Olympic Committee to Add Beheading to 2016 Events
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ISIS Petitions International Olympic Committee to Add Beheading to 2016 Events

Rumors abound that the International Olympic Committee will soon be welcoming a new member, The Islamic State (ISIS). The terrorist group made clear that they hadn’t been sure the IOC would even let them participate in the upcoming games, but after a “bit of persuasion” they were added to the roster of participating states. Leaders of the internationally admonished group...