Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.
Earlier today researchers from Hebrew University in Jerusalem announced that they had uncovered a skeleton that changes how we view human evolution. While digging in the deserts of Southern Israel, the team of archaeologists and anthropologists uncovered what they’ve come to call the “missing link” – the common ancestor of Israelis and Palestinians. “When we uncovered the skeleton, we knew...
It’s been quite a few years since the world has seen Pamela Anderson, renowned PETA activist, storming a beach – but that may soon change. Wednesday, Hamas announced that it had captured a dolphin serving as a trained Israeli spy. In response, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), a U.S. based group of zealots activists, announced that they...
The Mideast Beast is now able to report a fast breaking story concerning shopping in the Holy Land. Normally known as one of the most expensive areas of the Middle East, tourists to Israel may be able to finally come out ahead financially. Just hours ago, an Israeli shop owner in Jerusalem announced a special sale, “just for you.” Yes,...
Theresa Caputo, the “Long Island Medium,” and star of her own TLC show came out today against the Iranian nuclear agreement. While Obama has his share of detractors, especially in light of the recent controversial nuclear agreement with Iran, this time, like a lobster with a stutter, he may not be able to talk his way out of hot water....
A new, $8 billion expansion of the Egyptian Suez Canal will allegedly reduce the wait-time for about fifty ships per day, Egyptian officials announced earlier this week. Egypt’s President Sisi unveiled the expansion to great… whatever the opposite of “fanfare” is. Egyptians wondered why, in the midst of economic distress, their leader would spend such an obscene amount of money...
In the wake of the brutal murder of an 18-month old Palestinian child, Ali Saad Dawabsha, by way of firebombs, a new poll has found that Israelis are tired of their crazy settler countrymen. An ever-growing number of Israelis began living in West Bank settlements following the 1967 Six Day War, and since that time, like untreated genital warts, they’ve...
Coming off the heels of a cryptic tease about a “big announcement” earlier this week, Israeli archaeologists released an earth-shattering finding in Southern Israel. The apparent second half of what has up until now been called the Biblical “Ten Commandments.” Israeli archaeologist Ron Yisraeli told the media, “It turns out that there were actually twenty commandments given to Moses, and...
Following Netanyahu’s surprise victory in Israel’s March elections, Benjamin Netanyahu recently took a moment to address his critics. Many had feared that he would pursue a peace deal with the Palestinians and end the conflict once and for all. Bibi addressed the questions about his commitment to the current quagmire by releasing a statement earlier today. “I am willing to make significant sacrifices...
After the Stein family decided to embark on a three-week trip to Israel, things started off as an ostensibly normal vacation. However, according to Shlomi Stein (the youngest son), on about day four, it began to take a “horribly embarrassing” turn for the worse. At that point of the trip, the patriarch of the Stein clan, Avi, inexplicably adopted a god-awful Israeli...
In a shocking move on the heels of an historic nuclear treaty with the international community, the Iranian government has submitted an application for the trademark of the phrase “nuclear holocaust.” Predictably, the leaders of some small countries that have super-obvious combovers have come out in opposition to the application, claiming ownership over the phrase, “nuclear holocaust,” is suspicious –...
For years, the Iranian regime has been accused of developing a nuclear program for aggressive purposes. There appears to be ample evidence that this endeavor is taking place, and the intelligence agencies of various countries seem to agree on this fact. However, for as long as these claims have been made, Iran has countered by saying that any nuclear activities...
Now that a completed Iranian nuclear deal has become part of our shared history, proponents and opponents of the agreement have been voicing their praise and concern. The multinational treaty is very complex and as a result of this complexity, it seems that groups espousing different agendas can find varying interpretations of the deal, allowing for radically divergent predictions. RELATED: Radical Offshoot...
Nuclear non-proliferation has become a hot-topic under the Obama administration, with the President having reached nuclear agreements with both Russia and Iran during his time in office. Despite these facts however, it has become clear that countries determined to build nuclear weapons will find the means as long as they have the will to do so. In light of this...
Following a prolonged legal battle, the FDA has finally categorized matzah ball soup as a certified cure for several common ailments. The traditional meal, often referred to as “Jewish penicillin,” has been used to treat colds for well over a thousand years, according to numerous Jewish grandmothers. For decades, the FDA has categorized the delicacy as a homeopathic cure, and...
Many have called it a victory for human rights. Some have called it an act that will anger God. Two government leaders call it a dream come true. Following the long awaited US Supreme Court decision legalizing gay marriage in all fifty states, John Boehner (R-OH) and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu have announced their plans to marry. It’s...
In a somewhat unsurprising conclusion, another arbitrary Old Testament Law has been found to be in conflict with the Constitution of the United States. Yesterday, the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) announced a ruling that makes gay marriage legal in all fifty states. The debate surrounding gay marriage has become somewhat overblown in recent years, with the argument...
Today, U.S. President Barack Obama made clear his true feelings for the Jewish State, albeit accidentally. Prior to speaking to the press at a White House event, unaware that his microphone was on, Obama was overheard voicing his disdain for Israel. This article is fake, and if you share it as if it were real, it means you didn’t read...
The United Nations Security Council (UNSC) passed a resolution earlier today stating that any and all Israeli military action constitutes war crimes. What separates this resolution from the overwhelming number of resolutions already condemning the Jewish State is that it appears to be all encompassing. “In case anyone hasn’t noticed, we just waste so much of our time singling out...
The Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement (BDS) was able to recruit a very high-profile ally this week. After months of courting, BDS leaders were finally able to announce today that the long-deceased corpse of noted anti-Semite Osama bin Laden had joined their cause. “This is a great day for the fight against the Israeli Zionist war machine,” BDS organizer Michael...
Today, Diaspora Jews live in constant fear of what are called, “two day yontifs.” During these two-day holiday periods, many Jews are unable to use electronic devices or cars due to religious restrictions. The odd part of this practice is that by the nature of signifying historic events, Jewish holidays should take place on a single day. So where the...
