Disappointed Man Discovers that Famous Israeli Salad is Just Cucumbers and Tomatoes

“It’s just kind of bland,” said Ari Hirsch after trying his first bite of Israeli salad. The Philadelphia native was “super stoked” to try the supposed famous delicacy for the first time today. Hirsch has heard tales of the legendary food for years from family, friends, teachers, and fellow synagogue patrons. “’It’s healthy,’ ‘it’s delicious,’ ‘it’s real Israeli food!’ I’ve heard it all. It was built up for me all these years, and now, it just reminds me of my first sexual encounter – bland, disappointing, and some parts were unpleasantly mushy.”

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When most people think of a salad, they envision bowls full of a number of different ingredients – greens, fruits, vegetable, nuts, dressings, and cheeses. But, as Hirsch discovered, an Israeli salad is really just cucumbers, tomatoes, and a hint of onion (yuck!) – nature’s poor first attempts at creating flavors – chopped up and mixed together. “I’m more sad than anything else,” Hirsch said. “You know how everyone was so disappointed when the new Star Wars movies came out? That’s how my stomach feels right now. The cucumbers were Jar Jar Binks, and the tomatoes were young Anakin.”

“‘Famous Israeli salad’? Only the Jews could pull off some commercial shit like this.”