Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.
In the aftermath of the recent terror attacks in Paris, the “hacktivist” group “Anonymous” vowed revenge against the terrorist group responsible. Following a number of threats against ISIS, Anonymous began releasing and shutting down ISIS-linked Twitter accounts. But today marks an escalation that no one expected. As laser-guided missiles began to rain down on ISIS strongholds in Iraq and Syria,...
After her recent trip to the Holy land, Michele Bachmann declared that the return of Jesus Christ was imminent. The one-time Presidential hopeful and now America’s resident queen of batshit crazy, announced the urgent need to convert Jews to Christianity because of the return of Nazareth’s mascot. But as most people wrote Bachmann off as spewing more of her craziness, against...
Nothing brings enemies together quite like hating on a third party. This was the case for the U.S. and Soviet Union in WWII, for the X-Men and Magneto in the fantastic X2, and now for American Rabbis and Radical Muslim groups worldwide. This week, in a surprise twist totally predictable ending, the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA) introduced a resolution...
In the kind of world-changing announcement that usually only follows Ryan Seacrest saying, “the winner of American Idol is…,” Netflix revealed to the world that they were be expanding their services into one of the most explosive parts of the world, the Middle East. While this may not seem like big news to some, many analysts are viewing this expansion as a...
It has been predicted in the past that as brutal as Middle Eastern conflicts have been in the past, they will become more gruesome when the focus of wars shift from faith or territory to water. Water, also known as that thing that you are mainly comprised of, is the chicken broth in which the matzah balls of life exist. For...
It’s been described as “excruciating,” and “the worst pain ever,” by dozens of men currently icing their nether regions. In recent days, a fad known as “nutscaping” has cropped up where horrifying fads like this tend to, on the interweb. The idea behind nutscaping (you can’t see us shuddering with horror, but rest assured, we are) is that adventurous men...
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is so complex that very few people understand it, and no, Wikipedia doesn’t suffice. Plenty of dummies think that they understand the whole shebang, and in order to try to explain it to people who they feel aren’t as smart, they compare it to other examples. One of the most common comparisons is with the Native Americans....
In a bombshell statement that changed the reality of the Nazi campaign against European Jewry, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu revealed to the world that Hitler was more or less undecided about what to do with the Jews until he met a very special someone. The special someone was the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem Haj Amin al-Husseini, who, according to...
Amid increasing anger about Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s claim that Jerusalem’s Mufti Haj Amin al-Husseini was the one who gave Adolf Hitler the idea of the final solution, a number of groups have made their discontent known. This is true of people from all ends of the political spectrum including confused pro-Israel groups and indignant pro-Palestinian groups. But one...
At the scene of a grisly attack, medics and soldiers swarmed the scene like bees on a hive. Initial reports indicate that the victim was walking through the streets of Jerusalem when a Palestinian teen ran up and attacked without any apparent cause. The assailant is currently at large, while medical personnel are currently treating the victim, who has been identified...
As tensions between Israel and the Palestinians grow increasingly… tense, a number of casualties have resulted from clashes between the two groups. Until this week, the only casualties were people – but now, Jewish Holy sites have come under attack as well. The hottest place to be this week was undoubtedly Joseph’s Tomb when it was set ablaze by some...
In what is considered yet another victory for the Palestinian cause, activists in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv have embarked on a bold new campaign. The new initiative, ‘Freedom Stabbing,’ involves, as its name implies, stabbing people until the rights of the Palestinian people are recognized. “This type of behavior is clearly a natural product of the occupation,” says Jon Gold,...
Israel noun (iz-ree-uh-l) Middle Eastern founded in 1948, the nation-state of the Jewish People. Imperialist, colonial extension of the West, inserted artificially into the Middle East by stealing Arab land. Palestine noun (pal-uh-stahyn) The region, formerly under control of the British Mandate, which includes modern Israel, Jordan, and the Palestinian Territories. Named by the Romans following their conquest of the...
A bombshell announcement straight out of the Israeli Prime Minister’s office today has shaken the political world to its core. Benjamin Netanyahu, the current leader of the Jewish State and four-time scowling champion of the world, has announced that he will begin a series of surgeries in order to achieve what he has called “an accurate outward reflection of my...
It seems that the concentration camps aren’t as comfortable as Holocaust deniers have been saying for years. The Dachau Concentration Camp opened in 1933, and 41,500 people were killed there between then and its liberation by American forces in 1945. Since that time, the camp has become a memorial to how much of a fucktard it’s possible for people to...
In the wake of his arrest, Ahmed Mohamed, a Texas teen taken into custody for bringing a homemade clock to school, has received an abundance of public support. The support ranged from donations of various computers and gadgets, as well as more prestigious invitations. Google co-Founder Sergey Brin has already met the lad and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg offered to...
“This business was my life, but now, it is nothing.” These are the words of Iranian businessman Ali Asadi. The forty-nine year old business owner hailing from Tehran is one of the biggest opponents of the Iranian nuclear treaty recently signed by U.S. President Barack Obama, as well as leaders from China, Russia, France, the UK, Germany, and the European...
When two parties have been warring for decades in a seemingly endless conflict, death becomes a mundane occurrence. Rampant hatred results in a brutal cycle of violence which ebbs and flows almost like clockwork. Within this context, it’s not unsurprising that many deaths go unreported. Many consider the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to be the most intractable in the world, and still...
For years now, the world has heard Israel’s cries about the looming existential threat of Iranian weapons of mass destruction. The Iranian regime has made a number of intense threats against Israel that can only be described as, “Hitlerish.” The posturing between the two countries has been loud, but remained mostly verbal and harmless, like a couple of drunken frat...
With the number of casualties and refugees created by the Syrian civil war continuing to grow, Israeli-Palestinian tensions beginning to boil over, and the spread of ISIS through the region, it’s no wonder that God just couldn’t stand to look at the Middle East anymore. It was as a result of all this violence and strife that the Creator decided...
