Syrian President Horrified After Noticing Mustache’s Similarity To Hitler’s

Syrian President Horrified After Noticing Mustache’s Similarity To Hitler’s

According to some report, Syrian President, Bashar Al-Assad spent twenty minutes on Sunday staring at his bathroom mirror, trying to remember what his mustache reminded him of. After squinting really hard, he was quoted as saying “Holy fuck!” “Asma, get in here! I look like Hitler. Look, I Fucking look like Hitler. Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I’ve been on TV. I’ve given interviews, I’ve met with world leaders! This is so embarrassing!” At press time, The Mideast Beast had...

Native Americans Unsure About Who They Should Represent In Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Native Americans Unsure About Who They Should Represent In Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is so complex that very few people understand it, and no, Wikipedia doesn’t suffice. Plenty of dummies think that they understand the whole shebang, and in order to try to explain it to people who they feel aren’t as smart, they compare it to other examples. One of the most common comparisons is with the Native Americans. As an indigenous people who were driven off their land by force, and who still suffer injustice to this day,...

Israel’s Parliament to Vote this Month on Condemning the UN’s Occupation of Numerous Countries

Israel’s Parliament to Vote this Month on Condemning the UN’s Occupation of Numerous Countries

A spokesman from the Prime Minister’s office made it clear that the Knesset, Israel’s Parliament, believed a military presence of a foreign entity, such as the UN, in a disputed region is not right and that it amounted to an immoral colonization and occupation of the land. “The UN places soldiers in disputed regions across the world citing security concerns,” the spokesman said, “However, we just don’t believe them. It’s ideological I’m sure, regardless of the evidence, so we must condemn...

Saudi Arabia Experiments with Leasing to Other Fanatics

Saudi Arabia Experiments with Leasing to Other Fanatics

Rabbi Shlomo Yetz of Britain’s orthodox Jewish community was surprised to read the following advertisement in his morning paper (here translated from the Yiddish): “Feeling Oppressed by the Secular World? Dealing with the Godless Getting You Down? Furious About Women Being Allowed to Drive? Come To a Nation You Can Call Home!” Imagine the Rabbi’s surprise when he called the number and found he had dialed the Saudi Arabian Embassy? And Rabbi Yetz wasn’t the only one. Catholic Priest, Father Michael Tuchewe,...

Russian Troops in Syria Just Enjoying a Warm Weather Vacation after Ukraine

Russian Troops in Syria Just Enjoying a Warm Weather Vacation after Ukraine

After months of confining its Middle East strategy to trolling Obama on Twitter, the Russian Armed Forces have fully engaged in Syria in October with a bombing campaign and a deployment of ground troops. The shift in Russian tactics has left Western analysts flabbergasted, prompting NATO to request The Mideast Beast to investigate the issue. “It’s October now so it’s getting pretty cold in Eastern Ukraine, not that any Russian soldiers have been in Ukraine recently of course”, clarified Colonel Sergey...

British Rock Band ‘Status Quo’ Psyched for Upcoming Gig on Temple Mount

British Rock Band ‘Status Quo’ Psyched for Upcoming Gig on Temple Mount

Saying they had no idea that Israelis and Palestinians were such passionate fans, members of British rock band ‘Status Quo’ said they were honored and excited by the wave of demand for them to play on the Temple Mount, one of the holiest sites in Judaism and Islam. “We had no idea we had such a following in the Middle East until we saw [U.S. Secretary of State] John Kerry on TV saying ‘The only way to prevent violence is to...

Obama admits having ‘soft spot’ for naughty countries

Obama admits having ‘soft spot’ for naughty countries

Barack Obama has admitted he has a soft spot for ‘bad boy’ countries and conceded this is having a negative impact on his foreign policy decisions. “There’s something just so daring about countries like Iran and Cuba,” a giggly Obama told The Mideast Beast. “One moment you’re blowing up the same crazies in the desert and all seems wonderful and the next day they want to wipe you off the map… I find it exhilarating!” RELATED: Khamenei Stops Nuclear Talks, Citing...

Netanyahu Claims Hitler was Secret Muslim, Demands Release Of Birth Certificate

Netanyahu Claims Hitler was Secret Muslim, Demands Release Of Birth Certificate

In a bombshell statement that changed the reality of the Nazi campaign against European Jewry, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu revealed to the world that Hitler was more or less undecided about what to do with the Jews until he met a very special someone. The special someone was the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem Haj Amin al-Husseini, who, according to Netanyahu, gave Hitler the idea for the Final Solution.  This is piece of history that was widely unknown, in that...

Abbas Agrees to Resume Negotiations “Just as Soon as the Last Jew Gets the Hell Out of Palestine”

Abbas Agrees to Resume Negotiations “Just as Soon as the Last Jew Gets the Hell Out of Palestine”

European leaders today hailed Palestinian President in Perpetuity Mahmoud Abbas’s offer to resume negotiations with Israel “Just as soon as last Jew gets the hell out Palestine: Jaffa, Ashkelon, the lot of it.” Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallström, praised Abbas for “taking such a bold step towards peace. Now we can only hope that those genocidal war mongering Israelis will embrace this opportunity.” In an editorial, The NY Times opined, “With Abbas’ offer to resume negotiations, Israel can no longer...

Saudi Wins “Sexist of the Year” 28th year running

Saudi Wins “Sexist of the Year” 28th year running

A Saudi Arabian groom has been crowned “Sexist of the Year 2014”, meaning the title will stay in the man-crazy desert kingdom for the 28th year straight [sic]. The groom ran away with the title when he divorced his bride the moment she unveiled herself at their arranged marriage. Saudi marriage commentator Hasim Rahman said, “Personally, I think everyone should ease up on the chap. How would you like it if the only chicks you got to see before your...

Neo-Nazi Groups Furious At Netanyahu’s “Attempt to Give Credit For The Fuhrer’s Final Solution to a Dirty A-Rab”

Neo-Nazi Groups Furious At Netanyahu’s “Attempt to Give Credit For The Fuhrer’s Final Solution to a Dirty A-Rab”

Amid increasing anger about Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s claim that Jerusalem’s Mufti Haj Amin al-Husseini was the one who gave Adolf Hitler the idea of the final solution, a number of groups have made their discontent known. This is true of people from all ends of the political spectrum including confused pro-Israel groups and indignant pro-Palestinian groups. But one crowd that no one expected to hear from was the one that proudly classifies itself as “pro-Hitler,” a title as...

Kerry Absent from Temple Mount Negotiations; Overinflated Sense of Self Unable to Squeeze Through Negotiating Room Door

Kerry Absent from Temple Mount Negotiations; Overinflated Sense of Self Unable to Squeeze Through Negotiating Room Door

With tensions over the Temple Mount increasing, John Kerry is, of course, back in the region. Kerry arrived in Israel last week, opting to travel in an Ancient Roman litter, carried by four of his subordinates. “Everyone relax, John Kerry is back in town,” John Kerry said, addressing a sparsely populated press conference. He then paused for his scheduled 30 seconds to accept applause and admiration, despite only a single clap in the back of the room, most likely from...

Dream of Independent Palestinian State Wounded in Stabbing Attack in Jerusalem

Dream of Independent Palestinian State Wounded in Stabbing Attack in Jerusalem

At the scene of a grisly attack, medics and soldiers swarmed the scene like bees on a hive. Initial reports indicate that the victim was walking through the streets of Jerusalem when a Palestinian teen ran up and attacked without any apparent cause. The assailant is currently at large, while medical personnel are currently treating the victim, who has been identified as, the Dream of an Independent Palestinian State. Despite serving as a well of hope for many, the Dream of...

Kerry Urges Israelis to be Less ‘Stabbable’ in Light of Recent Attacks

Kerry Urges Israelis to be Less ‘Stabbable’ in Light of Recent Attacks

A recent wave of terror attacks, many involving knives , has brought tension in Israel to a boiling point and caught the attention of US Secretary of State and 2018 Nobel Peace Prize winner John Kerry. Kerry, who is on a global tour promoting his book “How I Lost Syria to Putin in a Game of Poker”, issued a statement in a press conference: “I strongly condemn both sides in this conflict. I guess if you count Palestinians and Israeli...

Saudi King Furious Amazon Won’t Ship Nuclear Weapons 2-day Mail

Saudi King Furious Amazon Won’t Ship Nuclear Weapons 2-day Mail

After announcing his intention to match any Iranian nuclear weapon, an angry Saudi King Salman ibn Abdulaziz discovered Amazon.com doesn’t offer two day shipping on nuclear weapons.  “You know I’m an Amazon Prime Member,” the King told Amazon customer service rep, Tabitha Chablis.  Amazon, however, insists that their supplier requires 7-10 days on all WMD orders. After hanging up, a dejected King Salman told The Mideast Beast, “What exactly am I paying for?  The free movies are nice, but I joined...

After Setting Fire to Joseph’s Tomb, Palestinians Raise the Stakes and Extinguish Burning Bush

After Setting Fire to Joseph’s Tomb, Palestinians Raise the Stakes and Extinguish Burning Bush

As tensions between Israel and the Palestinians grow increasingly… tense, a number of casualties have resulted from clashes between the two groups. Until this week, the only casualties were people – but now, Jewish Holy sites have come under attack as well. The hottest place to be this week was undoubtedly Joseph’s Tomb when it was set ablaze by some super unhappy Palestinians. Joseph, of Biblical fame, is best known for deciphering dreams like a bronze age Miss Cleo, sporting...

Kerry Returns to Meddle in the Middle East

Kerry Returns to Meddle in the Middle East

Here’s Johnny!  The master of interference, US Secretary of State, John Kerry announced plans to travel to the Middle East in an effort to create more chaos, cause irrevocable damage to any future Israeli-Palestinian peace process, and rack up some decent Delta SkyMiles®. Kerry’s goal to calm the current violence, persuade leaders on both sides of the conflict to return to the negotiating table and restart the peace process is delusional at best. The only thing both Palestinian President Mahmoud...

Drone’s War Memoir Earns Critical Acclaim

Drone’s War Memoir Earns Critical Acclaim

Just as critics declared the market for war memoirs is saturated, a book from a wholly different perspective may now take the country by storm. Feeling Controlled by MQ-9 C37r, a General Atomics Reaper (formerly known as the Predator B), is receiving the sort of pre-release buzz most books can only dream about. Feeling Controlled is more than just a macho war story,” NY Times book critic, Michiko Kakutani, wrote in her blog. “No, this is a memoir with real...

IDF Mistakenly Attacks Eritrea

IDF Mistakenly Attacks Eritrea

Calling it an understandable error made in the fog of war, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) apologized Monday for accidentally striking targets in the East African country of Eritrea in response to a wave of Palestinian attacks. “The pilots were flying really high and weren’t sure exactly where they were geographically, but when they saw a group of dark-skinned men they assumed they must be in Gaza and that the men must be Hamas terrorists,” an IDF spokesman told The Mideast Beast. “Under...

Unreliable Source Says, ‘Woman Attached to the Most Famous Ass in the World Wants to be Jewish’

Unreliable Source Says, ‘Woman Attached to the Most Famous Ass in the World Wants to be Jewish’

According to an extremely unreliable source, Ms. Magnifique Derrière, otherwise known as Kim Kardashian, is thinking of following in the footsteps of her fellow Hollywood ‘sisters from other misters’ and joining the tribe of the Chosen. As Kim and her hubby already visited Israel last April and with her sisters possibly buying a new apartment in Tel Aviv, who knows, the rumors may be true. The woman attached to the most famous ass in the world noted, “The fact is, Hebrews and Shebrews are...