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Palestinian Leader: “Brexit is the Work of Israeli Rabbis”
Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas has asserted that the British vote to leave the European Union is the result of determined efforts by several rabbis in Israel to undermine Continental unity. “Only a week ago, I ran into some Zionists as they were torching olive groves in colonized Palestine. Over several cups of sweet tea, they confessed to me that...
Sanders to Focus on Senior Citizens Community Presidential Run
Following his long drawn out battle with Hilary Clinton, Bernie Sanders gave an impassioned announcement that his presidential aspirations are not over. “To all you Bernie Bros, let me just say…this is not the end of our journey because I, Bernie Sanders, announce my candidacy for the Boca Raton Century Village Presidential Race.” He vowed to remain faithful to his...
Palestinian Leaders Propose #Jexit Vote after Historic #Brexit ‘Leave’ Campaign a Success
Immediately after the results on the #Brexit vote came in, with the United Kingdom voting to leave the European Union, Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas gathered with his cabinet to draft a new peace proposal with Israel. “If the United Kingdom can vote democratically to exit the European Union, then the Palestinian People can join the European Union to drive, vote the...
ISIS Praises John McCain Following Orlando Shooting Massacre
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has responded to allegations made by Senator John McCain that President Obama was directly responsible for the attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando. “Obama? No, the real hero that inspired the slaughter of 49 gay crusader infidels is none other than John McCain. His hatred of everything we represent is intoxicating. I confess to having a...
Western World Shocked by Islamist Belief that Radiohead is Still Relevant
After radical Islamists attacked a Radiohead listening party in Istanbul last Friday, the Western world has begun to awaken to the shocking fact that many Islamists still care about Radiohead. “Until Friday’s attack, I was under the impression that radical Islam could be controlled,” President Obama admitted in a press conference following Friday’s attack by Islamists in Turkey’s largest city....
Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?
Following the success of the Ice Bucket Challenge in aid of ALS, Hamas and the IDF have been moved to create their very own charity fundraising scheme. Saul Starstein, Director of Giving for the IDF explained more. “We all accept that our media profile is really not that great. Now’s not the time to get into the blame game of...
Donald Trump: Move the Palestinians to Puerto Rico
NEW YORK – Billionaire Republican presidential contender Donald Trump has unveiled a controversial peace proposal for the strife-torn holy land: give the U.S. island territory of Puerto Rico to the Palestinians as compensation for surrendering to Israel. According to the so-called “Trump Solution,” rolled out by the outspoken business magnate at a Manhattan press conference, the U.S. would fund the relocation...
Would-be Trump Assassin Annoyingly White
The Trump camp is reportedly furious at the amateur efforts of very white man Michael Sandford, after the 20-year-old Englishman made his assassination attempt this week at a Vegas rally. “I mean look at this guy, he’s so damn pale. I’m told he’s been living in his car. Well, all I can say is crack the sunroof open a little...
NBC’s Most Prominent and Reliable Anchor Brian Williams to Immigrate to Israel
Although NBC Network has stated that defamed anchorman Brian Williams will be allowed to return to work after having been caught lying, the anchor himself, self-titled “Mr. Chin”, has told relatives not to look for him on screen because he is immigrating to Israel. The move is considered surprising by many, given Williams’ Catholic upbringing and frequent participation in Christian...
TSA Prohibition on Liquids Foils al Qaeda Plot to Brush Teeth During Flights
The TSA’s strict prohibitions against bringing liquids and creams over 3.4 ounces onto U.S. flights has paid off, as a plot by al Qaeda agents to excessively brush their teeth in the airplane lavatory during domestic flights has been foiled. “In light of the statement in the TSA Guidelines that liquids, aerosols, gels, creams and pastes over 3.4 ounces will...
“Wholesome, Sane” Turkish President Calls Childless Women “Deficient, Incomplete”
Earlier this week, Turkish President and rotting Jack-o-lantern if you used a testicle instead of a pumpkin, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, made the news yet again by bashing women everywhere… yet again. The doofy leader delivered a speech during which he criticized women who might choose to do silly things like prioritize their careers over having children, accusing them of “denying...
Qataris Outraged After Rape Victim Gets Only a Six-Month Prison Sentence
Residents throughout Qatar are demanding the resignation of a federal judge after a rape victim was given only a six-month prison sentence. “It’s unconscionable that while an innocent rapist will have to live with the traumas he caused himself for the rest of his life, his victim will be free in less than a year,” a petition, which demanded the...
Barack Obama Reluctantly Endorses Hillary Clinton with a Series of Backhanded Comparisons
The race for the US presidency has dwindled down to its final two candidates (Bernie, let’s not make this any harder than it has to be) and Barack Obama has thrown his support behind Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton. “In the 2008 democratic primaries I schooled the botox right out of Hillary, then asked her to be my Secretary of State. I recall...
Trump Blames “Radical Islamic Alligator” for Killing Toddler in Florida
Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has vowed to ban “all Musligators” from U.S. waters after a 2-year-old boy was found dead near a Disney hotel in Florida Wednesday. Taking to Twitter just minutes after officials confirmed the tragic death of the Nebraska child, who witnesses said was pulled into a lagoon on Tuesday night, Trump wrote: “A Christian alligator would...
Middle East Dictators to Accept Democracy After Learning About ‘Super-Delegates’
Middle Eastern rulers from Egypt to Iran are reportedly willing to give democracy a second look after learning about the “Superdelegates” used to choose nominees in the U.S. presidential elections. “Whenever I heard someone talk about ‘voting’ or ‘democracy,’ I assumed it was just a bunch of normal people going into a booth and choosing who they want to be...
ISIS Leaders Flee Syria After Barrage of Tweets by Trump
A series of angry tweets by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has sent ISIS fighters running for the hills, as tweets promising to be “tough” against ISIS and to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” have the terrorist group in a panic. “Sheikh Donald has promised toughness and vigilance and said that the infidels must be smart,” one terrified ISIS...
NY Governor Bans “Buying Duck Semen”, Pro-Israel Groups Incorrectly Celebrate Win Against “BDS”
Many pro-Israel publications recently reported that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has recently taken steps to ban the Boycott Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement against Israel for singling out the Jewish State; however, after further investigation by The Mideast Beast it was discovered the commonly used BDS acronym was misleading. “No, this ruling has nothing to do with Israel boycotts,...
ISIS Congratulates Brock Turner On Avoiding Justice With Offer of Captured Yazidi Sex Slaves
Star rapist Stanford student Brock Turner has become a household name this week, but in the way a pus-filled hemorrhoid or sickening growth needs to be dealt with, preferably with some kind of disinfecting agent. Caught treating an unconscious woman like the wading pool he takes a few laps in from time to time, and then succeeding to dodge proper...
Mideast Leaders to Use Game of Thrones Strategies for Peace Initiative during Month of Fast
As chaos and civil war continues to grow in the Middle East, Middle Eastern leaders have gathered in honor of Ramadan, in attempt to restore order and quell tensions during the holy month. “By following the last four episodes of GOT Season 6, which Allah has so generously brought forth to us to coincide with our holy month, we will...
Inspired By Brock Turner’s Dad, Father of Captured ISIS Terrorist Pens Letter to Iraqi Judge
Inspired by his new hero Dan Turner, father of convicted Stanford rapist Brock Turner, a father of a captured ISIS fighter recently published a letter in attempt to appeal to an Iraqi judge who sentenced his son Ahmed to life imprisonment. Exclusive to The Mideast Beast, here is the letter in full: “I am writing this letter to tell you...