ISIS Begins Broadcasting Executions in Simpsons Style Animation

ISIS Begins Broadcasting Executions in Simpsons Style Animation

With the whirlwind visit of Kim and Kanye in Israel, a possible US-Iran deal, the Russia-Ukraine crisis, and that annoying little problem called Global Warming all currently in full swing, ISIS has responded to being bumped off the trending lists of Google, Twitter and Yahoo! by infusing a dash of color into its normally grainy online offerings: Simpsons yellow, to be precise. “It’s a bitch, trying to ensure that our programs go viral each time. Conquering a Syrian border town? Please. Try...

God laughs and makes bad things happen as he proclaims, ‘now you’re all screwed!’

God laughs and makes bad things happen as he proclaims, ‘now you’re all screwed!’

Addressing crowds from the clouds in a loud, booming voice, God, in his most recent address, informed those listening, “You’re all truly screwed!” “Look, people. I’ve told you time and again STOP KILLING EACH OTHER. I created you and I can end you. But did you listen?” “Now I’ve had enough. I’m bringing on the pre-Apocalypse and making shit rain down. Hard. Then, when Kate Middleton delivers the Messiah in a few months’ time, we’ll all be ready for the main act.” “In...

Iron Dome Selfies “not a good idea”

Iron Dome Selfies “not a good idea”

A startling new report from the Institute of Basic Common Sense, suggests that in general people should use the time given by the warning siren of incoming rockets to seek immediate shelter for themselves and their families. In a move guaranteed to cause controversy it suggests that people using the time to position themselves for the perfect Instagram image are, in its words, “fuck nuts!” RELATED: ISIS bans ‘battlefield selfies’ Kevin Bloom from the Institute explained, “There’s a couple of things...

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

Taking a break from clearing out his desk and catching the next train on Platform 9 ¾, out going Secretary of State John Kerry appeared before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to defend the recent frame work deal with Iran. His defense was both vigorous and absolute. Committee Chairman, Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, suggested it might be dangerous to leave the highly fortified Iranian facility at Fordow fully operational. “Muggle fool,” replied the Secretary, “do you think John Kerry...

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

In statement released by the Prime Minister’s office this week, Times of Israel blogger and part time social-media activist Aharon Landenbaum has “forever changed the course of Israeli history.” Although Landenbaum offered no practical advice, or measures that could be taken to address the issues he raised, his one-time blog was heralded as “perhaps the single greatest intellectual achievement since the state’s founding. A spokesman for the Israeli Government commented, “After reviewing this incalculably valuable treatise on the state of...

United States Puts Israel In the ‘Friend Zone’

United States Puts Israel In the ‘Friend Zone’

In a clear sign of the continuously strained relationship between the US and Israel, and with Prime Minister Netanyahu’s speech to Congress, the White House has made the decision to put the Jewish State in the ‘friend zone’. ‘Friend zoning’ is a little-known Constitutional power given to the President, however, this is the first time it has ever been employed. “This was a difficult decision,” according to an unnamed White House staffer. “But in light of how ‘special’ the US...

Hamas set to lift its blockade on Israel

Hamas set to lift its blockade on Israel

As a ceasefire continues to hold between Israel and Hamas in Gaza (one of its beautiful beaches in the image above), Hamas has announced that it will lift its crushing blockade and restrictions on Israeli goods and citizens. The surprise move was meant as a showing of good faith and a peace offering to its Jewish neighbor to the north, east, and south. The international community applauded the decision, though many are still unsure what ‘international community’ actually means. In an...

Tel Aviv Man Only Person Surprised by Clinton’s Announcement For Presidency

Tel Aviv Man Only Person Surprised by Clinton’s Announcement For Presidency

Local Tel Aviv Resident, Etai Rosenfield, expressed complete shock when he learned of Hillary Clinton’s declaration that she will seek the presidency. “I just didn’t see it coming,” Rosenfield stated in an exclusive interview. “I mean, talk about an announcement that just came out of completely nowhere!” RELATED: Hillary Clinton denies having a Jewish heritage; admits to “slight resemblance” Research from The Mideast Beast indicates that Mr. Rosenfield is literally the only person in the world who did not expect Secretary Clinton...

Obama Admits to Blowing Medicare Trust Fund in Persian Bazaar in Exchange for Fake Rolex

Obama Admits to Blowing Medicare Trust Fund in Persian Bazaar in Exchange for Fake Rolex

President Obama is facing renewed criticism after the White House acknowledged it had spent the entire government trust fund allotted for Medicare spending to purchase a watch that, upon further inspection, turned out to be a ‘Polex.’ The exchange occurred in a Persian bazaar in the outskirts of Tehran as Obama, feeling confident after the latest round of negotiations, decided to attempt to haggle for a new watch to wear to his celebratory press conference. Obama originally offered to pay...

Celebrity Wife Swap: Netanyahu, Assad Spouses to Trade Places

Celebrity Wife Swap: Netanyahu, Assad Spouses to Trade Places

ABC Television announced today that the upcoming season of Celebrity Wife Swap would feature none other than Sarah Netanyahu and Asma al-Assad, two first ladies who will be followed by cameras as they trade homes and families for two weeks. Patricia Lik, Senior VP of Reality at ABC, said, “So what if their husbands accuse each other of war crimes? I’ve been inside the Prime Minister’s official residence in Jerusalem and the President’s home in Damascus. When it comes to...

Palestinian Man Demands “Right to Return” Shoes That Don’t Fit, Hundreds Gather to Accidentally Support Cause

Palestinian Man Demands “Right to Return” Shoes That Don’t Fit, Hundreds Gather to Accidentally Support Cause

One of the largest rallies in recent memory took place in the West bank today, as hundred of Palestinians gathered to demand a right to return to the land they claim was stolen from them in order to create the State of Israel. The only problem is, they ended up supporting the wrong right to return. “I just wanted to return my new sneakers,” said West Banker, Waseem Abdul. “The store owner told me that I couldn’t return shoes that...

Responding to Iran Criticism, Obama Unleashes Assault on Netanyahu’s Comb-Over

Responding to Iran Criticism, Obama Unleashes Assault on Netanyahu’s Comb-Over

Following a litany of criticism over the proposed framework of an agreement on Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama came out with his strongest rhetoric to date in denunciation of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, calling his hairstyle “an obvious comb-over unfitting of a world leader.” “Netanyahu is saying I shouldn’t trust the Ayatollahs, but I don’t see them spending 45 minutes in front of a mirror every day just to make it appear they have a full head of hair,”...

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

The UN has announced it will station more people standing around in fetching blue helmets on the Israeli-Lebanese border because, in the words of one spokesman, “things recently got a bit lively”. The UN has been sunbathing at the Syrian-Israeli border for the past 30 years. And have garnered much praise for having kept the peace by a policy of rolling over and fucking off to the Israeli side of the border at the first sign of trouble. A UN peacekeeper, wishing to...

ISIS and Scientology Announce Merger

ISIS and Scientology Announce Merger

Shockwaves from Hollywood to Damascus as the breakout terror group of the 21st Century, ISIS, and the start-up “religion” of the 20th, Scientology, announced merger plans. The new organization, “ISITOLOGY,” has yet to release a logo, announce a headquarters location, or even unveil its organizational chart. Still, the announcement provoked a major multi-industry realignment. Commentator Brea KN Record described the move as “Huge.” After finishing convulsing she continued, “This is the kind of envisioneering of emerging synergies on a cross...

Saudi Arabian Government Representative Caught Trolling for Nuclear Bomb on eBay

Saudi Arabian Government Representative Caught Trolling for Nuclear Bomb on eBay

A businessman with close ties to many top Saudi Arabian princes has been actively searching for a doomsday weapon to purchase, on the e-commerce company eBay’s website. “Game on,” Khaled Khalifa – one of the founders of the Saudi banking industry – tweeted over the weekend after the framework for a nuclear deal was reached in Lausanne between Iran and Western powers. While the Saudi Arabian government has officially welcomed the pact with Tehran, Khalifa is deeply skeptical. RELATED: Israel to...

Palestinian Economy Now Banking in Switzerland

Palestinian Economy Now Banking in Switzerland

Reports are emerging that the whole Palestinian economy has been transferred to a Fatah-held bank account in Switzerland. The move comes after most of the Arab world abandoned Hamas and ISIS soared in the rich list. Hamas, who has over 300 millionaires in their ranks, is often seen cruising around the tax haven but if the resistance group is behind the latest move, it is surely a sign of escalation in their campaign of debauchery. “Taxes are capitalist and capitalism is...

Saudi Physicist Discovers Cure for Gravity

Saudi Physicist Discovers Cure for Gravity

A Saudi Arabian scientist has unlocked the secret to creating zero gravity on earth (allowing us to do cool crap like in the image above). If confirmed, the breakthrough could revolutionize space exploration and slash the energy demands of travel and transportation. Al Arabiya reported, “While the Islamic Golden Age’s most lasting contribution to humanity has been the creation of algebra, that achievement confused and infuriated hundreds of millions of people over the last 14 centuries. Ending gravity’s hold on mankind should...

ISIS Bars Jihadists from West Africa Amid Ebola Concerns

ISIS Bars Jihadists from West Africa Amid Ebola Concerns

The Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has issued a ban on jihadists traveling from West African countries, as an increasing number of fighters for the group have expressed concerns regarding the continuing Ebola threat. “Me and a fellow obsessive Koran reader were about to invade this Christian village outside Baghdad and slaughter everyone when the guy just starts coughing,” explained Ahmed, one of the ISIS fighters who petitioned for the travel ban. “So I said, ‘Habibi, where are you...

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

The BDS movement, which urges artists and consumers to boycott Israel and Israeli products, gained an unlikely supporter, as the Israeli government announced it would be urging rapper Kanye West and his wife, reality television star Kim West, to cancel their upcoming trip to the country in protest of its many human rights violations. “The only way to end the occupation and bring peace to the region is for Kim and Kanye to cancel their trip to Israel,” Israeli President...

Inspired by India, ‘Islamic State’ Wants a Satellite

Inspired by India, ‘Islamic State’ Wants a Satellite

Inspired by India’s becoming the first Asian nation to place a satellite in orbit around Mars, the ‘Islamic State’ (IS) has said that it will become the first ‘country’ in the Muslim world to achieve the same feat. Speaking at the launch of the initiative, IS’ newly appointed Minister of Scientific Advancement, Ibrahim al Battani said that it was the role of IS to inspire future generations of Muslims with such a bold endeavour. “I was watching our satellite TV hookup...