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Turkey Shoots Down Santa, Claiming Sleigh Violated Turkish Airspace
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Turkey Shoots Down Santa, Claiming Sleigh Violated Turkish Airspace

Turkish F-16s shot down Santa’s sleigh over international waters late Thursday night, as the Turkish president claimed Saint Nicholas had violated the country’s airspace. While the fate of Father Christmas remains unclear, several reindeer have been confirmed dead in an incident certain to further damage the already strained relationship between Ankara and the North Pole. The incident occurred as Santa...

Israeli-Palestinian Settlement Reached, Steve Harvey Announces
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Israeli-Palestinian Settlement Reached, Steve Harvey Announces

Israeli and Palestinian negotiators have reached a final-status agreement, with both sides making significant concessions that will bring the century-long conflict to an amicable end, television host and State Department spokesman Steve Harvey announced Wednesday in a press conference. “The Palestinians were completely reasonable in giving up the right of return of their refugees, while the Israelis had no problem...

Hillary: Lube up, Donny Boy, ‘Cause on Election Day, I’m Going to Schlong YOU!
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Hillary: Lube up, Donny Boy, ‘Cause on Election Day, I’m Going to Schlong YOU!

After Donald Trump said that she got “schlonged” by Barack Obama in the 2008 Democratic Presidential primaries (‘schlong’ is a Yiddish word for penis), Hillary Clinton has responded with even greater vulgarity. Taking to Twitter, the usually restrained Democratic front-runner made a series of lewd remarks-cum-threats to the characteristically unrestrained Republican front-runner, starting with: “.@realdonaldtrump Lube up, Donny Boy, because...

Netanyahu: “I’m Proof That Well-Funded Incumbents Can Defy Odds, Become Prime Minister”

Netanyahu: “I’m Proof That Well-Funded Incumbents Can Defy Odds, Become Prime Minister”

Still reeling from his landslide victory months ago, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu hosted a press conference in Jerusalem to address critics of the proposed policies stated during the campaign. While the official purpose of the conference was to clarify his remarks on a two-state solution, staffers widely acknowledged that severe gloating would definitely be a part of the discussion. “Many...

Agrabah Launches Pre-Emptive Strike on U.S.
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Agrabah Launches Pre-Emptive Strike on U.S.

Calling it a necessary operation in light of recent polling, the Islamic Republic of Agrabah, the Middle Eastern country from the Disney film “Aladdin,” launched a pre-emptive strike against American military targets Sunday. “We have sought peaceful relations with Western nations for more than 1,300 years, and had no intention of going to war with the United States or any...

Israeli Navy Intercepts Gaza Bound Vessels to Ease Crushing Boredom

Israeli Navy Intercepts Gaza Bound Vessels to Ease Crushing Boredom

A senior Israeli Navy official has confirmed that they intercept boats in international waters out of “sheer boredom and wanting something to do.” IDF General Shay Blowitz, Head of Staff Morale admitted to The Mideast Beast, “Can you imagine how crushingly boring it is travelling up and down the Israeli coast? And don’t get me started on the sexual frustration...

ISIS Demands Release of Martin Shkreli, Calling Him a Hero in the War on the West
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ISIS Demands Release of Martin Shkreli, Calling Him a Hero in the War on the West

Calling the vilified financial executive a valiant warrior in the fight against American citizens, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi demanded the U.S. government immediately release “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli. “By raising the price of life-saving pharmaceutical drugs 50-fold, Sheikh Shkreli has shown an unparalleled commitment to jihad against the American infidels,” al-Baghdadi said in a video released online by the...

Month after Ball Shaving Fatwa, Iran Declares War on Genital Piercing
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Month after Ball Shaving Fatwa, Iran Declares War on Genital Piercing

TEHRAN – Iran’s Supreme Leader has launched “a holy war on the satanic mutilation practice” of genital piercing, citing a “Zionist plot to destroy our Islamic values.” “We must eliminate this ravenous cancer before it devours the very soul of our nation,” warned Ayatollah Ali Khamenei at an emergency session of the Iranian parliament yesterday. “As such, all those found...

Zionist Overlords Finally Admit They Rigged the Israeli Election

Zionist Overlords Finally Admit They Rigged the Israeli Election

The Zionist overlords controlling the world’s economic, business and other institutions, have finally admitted that they had rigged the last Israeli election. Speaking to the world’s press, Jewdah Cohenawitz-Bergstein explained and justified the conglomerate’s latest political interference: “We could foresee a bit of free will seeping into the Israeli electorate, and we didn’t like it one bit. Not ONE bit.”...

Muslims, Latinos Stage ‘Flash Orgy’ outside Trump HQ

Muslims, Latinos Stage ‘Flash Orgy’ outside Trump HQ

NEW YORK – Chanting slogans like “United We Shag, Divided We Fall,” “Fight Racist Fearmongering with Interracial Lovemaking,” and “Brown is Bonkaliciously Beautiful,” thousands staged a massive orgy today in front of Manhattan’s Trump Tower – home to both the GOP front-runner’s campaign and corporate headquarters, as well as his primary residence. Amassing outside the Fifth Avenue skyscraper at noon,...

CIA Confirms, ISIS Teen that Threatened the West has “Remarkably Small Penis”
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CIA Confirms, ISIS Teen that Threatened the West has “Remarkably Small Penis”

An Australian teenager (Abdullah Elmir) featured in an ISIS video that surfaced last year, threatening the Australian Prime Minister, “Imperialist Powers”, and some girl called Mandy that refused to go out with him, has been confirmed by Western Intelligence Agencies as having a “remarkably small penis”. Having coordinated activities over the past few months and learning that the young man – often...

Netanyahu Tasks Ben Carson with Protecting Jerusalem

Netanyahu Tasks Ben Carson with Protecting Jerusalem

After Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s bold declaration that he would have attacked the gunman in the Oregon school shooting, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Carson has been brought to Jerusalem and tasked with protecting the city in the wake of a series of terror attacks. “It takes great courage to speak about acting heroically in the face of danger,”...

Israeli Arms Industry Excited About Iranian Market
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Israeli Arms Industry Excited About Iranian Market

Israeli arms companies reacted with predictable enthusiasm on the announcement of the nuclear deal with Iran and the lifting of sanctions. Yoni Fluffberg, Vice President of Communications at Elbit Systems commented, “We’ve been lobbying for the chance to supply Iran for years. For us it’s the complete package. Disputes with their neighbours, shit loads of cash from natural resources, and...

President Obama Declares War on Workplace Violence
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President Obama Declares War on Workplace Violence

Following the fatal shooting of 14 co-workers by a couple that just happened to be affiliated with the terrorist group ISIS, President Barack Obama has declared a “war on workplace violence.” “As the events in San Bernardino, and the Fort Hood shootings before, have shown, the perpetrators of workplace violence represent a threat to Americans and to all of humanity,”...

Germany Pressures Israel to Sue Egypt for Slavery Reparations
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Germany Pressures Israel to Sue Egypt for Slavery Reparations

German chancellor Angela Merkel has been mounting pressure on Israel to take the Egyptian government to court over its historical enslavement of the Jewish people and sue for reparations. Speaking from Berlin, Merkel said, “The time has come. We’re experts over here at paying for Germany’s occasional errors so we feel it’s only right that Israel follows our lead.” Outlining ideas...

Ben Carson Strikes Again: As President, I’ll Liquidate Ayatollah ‘Kumonme’
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Ben Carson Strikes Again: As President, I’ll Liquidate Ayatollah ‘Kumonme’

SAN DIEGO – Just days after pronouncing ‘Hamas’ as ‘Hummus,’ GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson invoked male fluid emission when threatening Ali Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader. Addressing a gathering of security-focused Republican donors in San Diego, the former neurosurgeon – who has been criticized for his lack of foreign policy acumen – vowed to not only “rip up” the contentious nuclear...

U.S. Waiting for ISIS To Descend Into Fatal Spiral of Internal Violence, ISIS Waiting For U.S. To Do The Same
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U.S. Waiting for ISIS To Descend Into Fatal Spiral of Internal Violence, ISIS Waiting For U.S. To Do The Same

Following a yet another mass shooting in the United States, this time in San Bernardino, CA, which left 14 people dead, ISIS leaders made their pleasure at the violence known.  “This is exactly what we hope for.  The Great Satan will destroy itself through the normalization of gun violence,” a statement released on social media announced earlier today.  “Look at...

Tel Aviv City Council and Hamas Join Forces
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Tel Aviv City Council and Hamas Join Forces

Tel Aviv City Council has signed a radical new public infrastructure agreement with Hamas. Starting next month they will be joining forces to take advantage of Hamas’ second favorite hobby (after amateur rocket firing), digging! One City Councilman explained the concept. “Everyone knows that traffic in this town is a nightmare. Last night I was at a particularly boring budget...