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Three U.S. Residents Conspired to Join ISIS, Wanted to ‘Escape Hellhole known as Minnesota’
Three Minnesota residents, Guled Ali Omar, Abdirahman Yasin Daud, and Mohamed Abdihamid Farah were all convicted of conspiracy to murder overseas, provide material support to a terrorist organization and a slew of other charges in connection with their attempts to join ISIS. While many in the Minneapolis Somali community have wondered why they would want to join the violent terrorist...
Turkey’s President Erdogan Forgets to Bring Condoms to Bar; Regrets Latest Statement
As the leader of a country named after God’s goofiest, least majestic bird, it should be no surprise that Recep Tayyip Erdogan tends to reflect the turkey’s clumsier, more doofy qualities. The Turkey’ish President was reported to have recently suggested that Muslims shouldn’t use birth control so that, like a sitcom on its last legs, they have more kids in...
Iran to Boycott Hajj over ‘Mass Orgy’ Fears
Saudi Arabia expressed disappointment this past week over the decision by Iranian clerics to ban their citizens from attending the annual Hajj pilgrimage to the holy city of Mecca over fears the event has become a ‘million-man orgy.’ Senior Iranian clerics have issued a ‘doubly-serious’ fatwa against attending the pilgrimage to Mecca, the latest in a series of tit for...
Israel to Place Gorillas Near Gaza; Hopes Int’l Community Will Care About Rocket Attacks
Looking to raise awareness and concern over the flood of rockets launched from the Gaza Strip for the past decade, Israel has decided to place gorillas throughout the communities and neighboring towns surrounding Gaza. “For years we’ve highlighted the deaths of innocent men, women, and children from these rockets, but people throughout Europe and on college campuses in the U.S....
Terrorism Ended, As Drone Strike in Yemen Kills Last Remaining Jihadi
The U.S. delivered a knockout blow in its decade-and-a-half “War on Terror”, killing Mahmoud al-Hassami, the last remaining terrorist in the world, in a drone strike in Yemen’s Abyan province. “While it’s been an arduous process, we knew all along that there were a finite number of terrorists out there and it was just a matter of time before we...
Nice Jewish Celebrities Refusing to Release Naked Photos
Hairy-palmed Israelis across the country are remarking that it’s just typical that all those nice Jewish girls have refused to get on board with the latest Hollywood craze of letting “jazz shots” of themselves leak onto the internet. Jonathan Levy, a regular ‘Rabbi-spanker’ from Tel Aviv, spoke for many, “Rihanna, Kate Upton, Selena Gomez and Kim Kardashian, what do they...
Immigration Debate Heats Up in the Islamic State
Since Yemen’s downward spiral into Miley Cyrus levels of chaos, destruction and twerking, people are now fleeing the country, forcing the Islamic State to deal with a new problem: immigration. “We’ve always had an ‘open door’ policy with foreigners. But now that they’re coming from the South of the Caliphate rather than places like Europe, we kind of have a...
Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female
The popular Qatari-backed news network has responded aggressively to a multimillion-dollar anti-female, anti-Semitic and anti-American bias lawsuit by moving its headquarters from New York City to Jerusalem and firing its male staffers. “We love women, we love Jews and we love America: just not in Arabic,” network CEO Sheldon Asfour said today. Asfour then outlined how his network has provided...
Establishment Fires Back after Trump Calls for Complete Shutdown of Dicks Entering the U.S.
Quoting security concerns from the surge of Syrian refugees, Donald Trump issued a statement calling for the immediate ban of dicks entering the United States. In a town hall event, Trump stated, “If you look at the terror attacks that have happened both at home and abroad, there’s only one group responsible: dicks. We need to screen for dicks and not let...
Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout
In a move that has alarmed U.S. officials and raised concerns over a potential nuclear breakout, the Islamic Republic Iran has begun importing large quantities of 1970s-era floppy disks. “There is only one possible use for these items, and that is to store information essential to controlling a nuclear arsenal,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said in a news...
Radical Islamists Begin Burning Garfield, Far Side Cartoons “Just To Be Safe”
We’ve all become accustomed to radical Islamists attacking cartoonists and novelists in the same way a teenager who sweats buckets while talking to girls, but who refuses to wear deodorant becomes accustomed to being alone on Friday nights– its something we don’t like when it happens, but we’re also not trying very hard to address the underlying issue. The reason usually...
Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee
While many Americans have been hypnotized by the interminable coverage of Hillary Clinton’s email security snafus, other damaging details have recently come to light regarding the US government’s notorious vibe of technological illiteracy. According to a new report, the Pentagon is still relying upon computing systems from the 1970’s that require floppy disks to coordinate intercontinental ballistic missiles and nuclear bombers....
Mideast States Demand Lego Toys as Part of Foreign Military Aid
Following news that Lego toys are becoming increasingly more violent, Israel and Egypt have demanded the toy be added to their foreign military aid packages from the US. IDF spokesmen Yuval ben-Zion said; “We are determined to keep a quantified edge over any potential opponent, and with this news that Lego is basically just a brightly colored arms bazar, we...
Israel to Players in Syria: “Did You Forget About Us?”
The Israeli government has sent a strongly worded complaint to its counter parts in Syria after discovering they have been left out of the latest round of blame assigning, for the second time in at least two weeks. “Wow, what’s a Zionist gotta do to get some love round here?” the message reads in part. It continues; “We’re not saying...
Security Concerned They Won’t Be Able to Tell if Iran Replaces Clinton With Robot Lookalike
A lot of energy has been spent disparaging Hillary Clinton throughout this Presidential rat race. Trump supporters, Bernie Bros – they’ve all taken their shots. But today, a new group added their two cents. The Secret Service has expressed concern that Clinton, who is known for having all the integrity of a deposed Nigerian prince e-mailing you to ask for money,...
Elders of Zion Admit, “This Year’s US Presidential Candidates Were Not Our Best Choices”
At their regular gathering inside a secret club at Mount Megiddo in northern Israel, the group of elderly male Jews who secretly control everything in the world mumbled to each other that, maybe, just maybe, they should have vetted a little better before appointing the next leader of the free world. “Hey, don’t blame me, I voted for the Jay-Z/Beyonce...
With Death of 80-Year Old Marty Greenberg, Bernie Sanders Becomes Eldest Elder of Zion
When people try to describe The Elders of Zion, they often fall back on the age-old comparison to the puppeteers of the Muppets – no one knows who they are, or what they look like, but their hands are up all the most important asses, calling the shots. Today however, the world got a rare glimpse into the society that...
Hamas Officials Begin Interrogating Trees, Rocks
Senior Israeli Intelligence officials were witnesses to a highly unusual interrogation late last night, when Hamas members were observed using aggressive interrogation techniques on a number of unsuspecting victims. The two men were caught on camera running around an open field in the dark, yelling at, and sometimes striking, various trees and rocks. Intelligence translators determined that the pair was...
Tel Aviv Declared Second Holiest Site in Homosexuality
Everyone knows that Mecca is the holiest city in Islam. Fewer people know that the second holiest city for Muslims is Medina. Similarly, everyone knows that San Francisco is the holiest city in the world for homosexuals. However, for decades, homosexuality has lacked a second-holiest site. But that all changed this week, when homosexual clerics officially declared Tel Aviv to...
Islamic Republic of Iran Declares War on Kardashian Empire
The Iranian Parliament has demanded an unspecified sum from the United States for allegedly inflicting “spiritual and material damage” on Iranian culture and values. The main accusation: the egregious victimization of the Iranian people by the unchecked rise of the Kardashian Empire. Yesterday, an Iranian cyber-crime unit accused Kim Kardashian of using Instagram in a covert propaganda campaign to corrupt...