Biden’s Faltering Campaign Not Getting Support from Zionist Elders
Former Vice-President Joe Biden’s thus-far underwhelming performance in the Democratic Party’s primaries debates is due in large part to his campaign team’s failure to secure support from the Zionist overlords of Hollywood, the world banking system and the DNC, with of course the exception of #thesquad, who are entirely their own type of annoying. “It’s a classic mistake we’ve seen time and time again”, stated one commentator. “A high-flying candidate with solid credentials making that fatal error of failing to...
Ilhan Omar: Greatest Threats to America Are Racism and the Jews
In response to comments from President Donald Trump urging her and three other freshmen Congressmen to “go back” to their countries, Representative Ilhan Omar called racism and bigotry the biggest threat facing America, along with the Jews. “It is horrifying that in 2019, an elected leader like Donald Trump could question our loyalty to our country based solely on our race and nationality,” Omar said in a press conference. “Besides, it’s the Jews who hate America.” Other far-Left lawmakers, known...
Linda Sarsour to Convert to Judaism After Learning Women and Arabs Serve in Parliament, Supreme Court, and Just About Everywhere Else in Israel
Known for her advocacy on women’s rights, Linda Sarsour has become a major leader in the world of feminism, and not loving Jews as much as their mothers do. However, earlier this week, Ms. Sarsour announced her plan to convert to Judaism. Sarsour told The Mideast Beast that she started thinking about her decision during the Israeli election process. She originally began following the elections on television in order to find criticism of the Jewish State, and also because it...
Trump to Annex Israel as 51st State
In a move the administration is calling “historic,” the Trump administration announced this morning that the United States of America intends on admitting the State of Israel into the Union by May of 2020 as the official the 51st State. “We already give them huge amounts of money each year” Trump said in a tweet following the announcement. “And everyone knows how much I love prime beach front real estate. This is going to be a great, great deal.” The...
ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine
Islamic State is “distraught” that none of their members were represented in the UK Vogue Magazine special edition, guest edited by the former American actress and current member of the British Royal Family, Meghan Markle. “We understand just how inspiring these pop culture magazines are, and with a guest celebrity editor like Meghan being involved, we thought we just had to get in on the action”, one ISIS member commented. “At first we put forward many of our fiercest jihadi...
Women Thrilled to Learn Israel Only Violator of Women’s Rights
Calling it a miracle that all but one nation in the world now respects women’s rights, feminist organizations from across the globe are celebrating a recent UN resolution naming Israel as the world’s only women’s rights violator. “For years, we witnessed brutal oppression of women in counties like Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, honor killings in Pakistan, and the use of rape as a weapon of war in the Congo,” Joanna Manganara, the president of the International Alliance of Women, told The Mideast...
Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias
Crowning itself the most gender-friendly country in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia has announced its intentions to free the kingdom of gender inequality. After granting women the right to drive last year, the Kingdom is determined to become a more welcoming place for people of all genders. Last week, King Salman announced his intentions to ban the word ‘Sportsmanship’ due to its clear gender bias. The derogatory word will be erased from all official texts, including school textbooks, and will be replaced...
Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...
Ayanna Pressley Booted from ‘The Squad’ Over Insufficient Anti-Semitism
Blasting their colleague for her lack of disdain for American Jews, three progressive congresswomen have kicked Democrat Ayanna Pressley out of their “squad.” “Frankly, when it comes to pushing bizarre conspiracy theories against the Jews or being indignantly dismissive of Jewish concerns, Pressley has not been pulling her weight,” Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar said in a press conference. “While Rashida (Tlaib) and I have been busting our tails to bash the Jews every week, Pressley can’t even consistently defend those of...
Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments
Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation and exchange ideas,” he commented. “Due to Facebook’s high level of dialogue, thoughtful user community, and of course mutual respect...
Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’
Some of the most ardent fighters of the Islamic State faced disappointment last week on realizing that ‘The Squad’ was not at all what they thought it was. They have since withdrawn their request to join. “For a moment, we thought that this so-called ‘Squad’ was really cool”, one disappointed member of what’s left of the Caliphate said. “We heard that there was this anti-American band of politicians, hell-bent on destroying the United States from the inside in a blaze...
Nazi Germany Proof Anti-Semitism Isn’t a Big Deal, Tlaib Says
Pointing to the example of Nazi Germany in defense of controversial pro-BDS legislation, Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib said that the rise of the Adolf Hitler proved that a little bit of anti-Semitism really isn’t that big a deal. “Some are calling this legislation anti-Semitic because it says that people should refuse to do business with Israeli Jews, but you know what?” she said during a speech on the House floor. “People have said a lot of things were anti-Semitic. Like when the...
UNESCO Declares Katz’s Deli ‘Palestinian Heritage Site’
In yet another blow to the Jewish People, UNESCO has declared Katz’s Delicatessen, a well-known Jewish, kosher-style establishment, a Palestinian world heritage site. “Al-Delicatessen al-Katz is as integral to Islamic history as Mecca, Medina and South Florida,” the resolution states. “Unfortunately, this landmark is threatened by the Zionist De Blasio occupation regime.” The resolution is the latest in a series of moves that some say are aimed at undermining Jewish connection to historical sites by UNESCO. It follows a decision...
In Wake of Burkini Ban, Muslim Women Demand Criminalization of Fat White Men in Speedos
CANNES – A French-Muslim group has called for a ban on what it terms “woefully-endowed white walruses terrorizing our kids in public,” alongside the repeal of a string of municipal measures outlawing the burkini in southern France. Speaking to reporters yesterday, Dr. Yasmina Al-Hazeemi of France’s Think of the Children! Foundation urged the nation’s parliament to criminalize the tight-fitting male swimsuit, framing the so-called ‘budgie smuggler scourge’ as a public safety crisis: “These obscene bathers are in fact evil terrorists...
BDS Expands After Learning Rest of Middle East Also Treats Palestinians Like Shit
Supporters of the Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions (BDS) campaign announced that they are widening the scope of their movement after learning that Palestinians are treated like shit across the Middle East and the rest of the world. “When we were told we had to boycott Israel, we thought that it was because of Israel’s treatment of Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza,” one recent convert to the BDS movement explained. “Then we read all about [Syrian President Bashar] Assad’s slaughter of Palestinians...
Palestine to Change Name to ‘Donaldstine’ in Bid for Trump’s Support
In response to the dedication of a new Israeli town called Trump Heights and other efforts aimed at flattering US President Donald Trump, Palestinian leaders will declare their territory the “State of Donaldstine.” The move represents a dramatic reversal for the Palestinian Authority, which had resisted peace negotiations led by the Trump Administration and accused the US of favoring Israeli demands. But after seeing Trump’s response to Israel’s attempts at flattery, the Palestinians have decided to try a similar approach. “For years...
United States Proceeds to Storm out of Lunchroom After Turkey Scores a Lunchable from Russia
After they noticed Turkey accepting a Lunchable from Russia, the United States reportedly threw a lunch tray and ran out of the cafeteria while stopping to shove Montenegro into the salad bar. In the hallway, looking flustered, the United States explained that it was just “so typical” of Turkey, and that Russia had made a gesture to them under the table before the U.S. decided to leave. “I always help Turkey out if they’re missing lunch, ask anyone, they’re just...
New York Times Praises Saudis for Not Putting White Man on Moon
Calling the Kingdom a “beacon of tolerance and progressive values,” a column in The New York Times praised Saudi Arabia for winning the “space race for equality” by refusing to put a straight white male on the moon. “While Americans were busy spreading white supremacy by sending cis-gendered straight white men into space, one after another, Saudi leadership refused to compromise on its pluralistic values,” the column stated. “Men and women, gay and straight, of all races stayed on Earth...
Benjamin Netanyahu Reconsiders Telling Palestinians to “Go Back Where They Came From”
Explaining that he was simply intending it for the underlying message and not the literal interpretation, Benjamin Netanyahu has walked back from a press conference this morning at which he stated that Palestinians should “also go back where they came from.” “My intention was to echo the enmity of the US President’s recent use of the expression, the ‘these people ought to be looked down upon and shamed’ kind of rallying cry. Of course, the literal part doesn’t exactly work...
Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country
Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do with a job. “I just think Israel should end the occupation, because like, we’re all people, so why should the...