Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace

Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace

WASHINGTON D.C. — Donald Trump has reacted with fury at being rated as an equal threat to world peace as the rise of jihadi terrorism, in an Economist Intelligence Unit report. In a statement to the press he said; “I’ve always been a winner, just like America, and I won’t accept equal place with a bunch of guys that frankly I couldn’t even point to on a map. And I refuse to learn more, because learning is for losers.” He...

ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities

ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities

After years of unsuccessful efforts to cause widespread devastation in the American homeland, ISIS leaders are turning towards fans of the Philadelphia Eagles for advice on how to destroy an American city. “When I turned on the TV and saw shattered glass, overturned cars and people rioting in the streets, I assumed one of our martyrs had carried out a major attack,” Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “I was shocked to learn that these valiant warriors were...

Syrian Government Responds to Rebel-Held Swimming Pool Crisis

Syrian Government Responds to Rebel-Held Swimming Pool Crisis

In a promising move towards peace in a troubled region the Syrian Government today airdropped relief chemicals to make rebel-held swimming pools safe to use. A spokesman for the government commented, “We may be on different sides of the fence when it comes to who governs this great country, but we are united when it comes to fighting fungal infections that can really ruin your pool time. So, we leaped into action the moment we heard about this brewing crisis.”...

The Hummus Fight (New Video!)

The Hummus Fight (New Video!)

In the long-awaited sequel to ‘I’m Palestinian, My Roommate is Jewish’, roommates Sammy Obeid and Toby Muresianu have a hummus battle to decided to decide whose hummus is the best: Israel’s or Palestine’s. Who will emerge victorious, and who do you think invented hummus? Click here to watch the video:...

Scientologists Blast Netanyahu Over Alleged Planned Illegal Settlement on Comet

Scientologists Blast Netanyahu Over Alleged Planned Illegal Settlement on Comet

As the world applauded the historic engineering achievement which landed a space probe on a Comet 67P, some observers were less pleased. The Scientologist community was up in arms this past week over an alleged Israeli plan to ‘create an illegal settlement’ on Comet 67P, noting that several of the scientists involved in the Rosetta mission are Israeli and are probably members of The Mossad. “This is an obvious land grab,” one Scientologist member explained. “The cosmos belongs to Scientologists,...

Iranian Feminist with Bad Haircut Is Conflicted on Hijab Protests

Iranian Feminist with Bad Haircut Is Conflicted on Hijab Protests

One of Iran’s leading feminists admitted that she has conflicting feelings about the country’s anti-hijab movement, noting that while she supports women’s empowerment she is also determined to keep her bad haircut hidden. “Listen, I get why Iranian women are doing this. And they’re right – in principle, I feel very strongly that women should not be forced to cover their head in public,” the activist, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Mideast Beast. “But now is a...

Middle Eastern Leaders Ready to Destroy Only Middle Eastern Democracy

Middle Eastern Leaders Ready to Destroy Only Middle Eastern Democracy

Middle Eastern leaders have gathered in anticipation for the destruction of the region’s last true democracy. In a speech, Turkish President Recep Erdogan announced, “They’ve been a thorn in our collective Middle Eastern ass for long enough! Turkey, Iran, Iraq, and the Syrians have all suffered long enough from this petulant little ‘state!’ None of us agree to their right to exist!” Iran’s Rouhani explained, “We cannot tolerate their terroristic actions against us. Nor can we stand their fair and...

ISIS Threatens to Behead Famed Groundhog for ‘Six More Weeks of Winter’

ISIS Threatens to Behead Famed Groundhog for ‘Six More Weeks of Winter’

An ISIS sleeper cell, located in Pennsylvania, has released a video threatening to behead Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog, for its recent regional prediction: six more weeks of winter. “In the name of Allah, it’s butt-ass cold in Pennsylvania!” said one ISIS member that was willing to speak with The Mideast Beast. When our handlers prepared for us to live in the U.S. we weren’t warned about the weather; come on, we’re Middle Eastern! Back in Iraq and Syria my...

Revealed: Polish Holocaust Bill Actually Verbatim Copy of Israeli Nakba Law

Revealed: Polish Holocaust Bill Actually Verbatim Copy of Israeli Nakba Law

A bill recently passed in Poland criminalizing any mention of Polish complicity in the Holocaust is a verbatim copy of the existing Israeli Nakba Law, reporters found. Those who asked to see the text of the Polish bill found that it read: “We, the elected officials of Israel Poland, will henceforth penalize any commemoration of Israeli Independence Day Holocaust Remembrance Day as the Palestinian Jewish day of mourning, thereby rejecting any complicity we may have had in causing the Palestinian...

Trump Requests Middle East Intel Briefings as Tweets

Trump Requests Middle East Intel Briefings as Tweets

The Mideast Beast has learned from White House sources that President Trump has requested all Middle East briefings be delivered in Tweet form. One aide told us, “He wouldn’t read any of the traditional briefings, so then we tried shortening and adding way more pictures but really nothing worked. But then we got the bright idea to just start tweeting them to him. We call them ‘Intelli-tweets.’” The Mideast Beast was able to get a hold of some of Trump’s “Intelli-tweets” “@RT_Erdogan👨🏾‍✈️...

Goldielocks and the Three Risky Bears (New TMB Podcast)

Goldielocks and the Three Risky Bears (New TMB Podcast)

On this week’s edition of The Mideast Beast Podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles challenge the audience on what they really know about the headlines, terrorism, and Africa’s being a country. And find out if you’re a Goldielocks. Yep, a Goldielocks. The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! You can also listen to it here...

World’s Extremists Worried World Won’t End with a Bang

World’s Extremists Worried World Won’t End with a Bang

Extremists from around the world have convened to discuss the increasingly likely scenario that the world won’t end with a bang. Representatives from the Islamic State, Kahane Chai, Aum Shinrikyo, and U.S. Vice President Pence’s staff met yesterday at an undisclosed location. ISIS spokesperson Mohammed al-Amriki explained the impetus for the meeting, “Despite our differing ideological backgrounds, we’re all in agreement that the world needs to end in an apocalyptic firestorm. Unfortunately, it’s starting to look like the world is...

Mideast Beast Writers Quit Over Lack of Death Threats

Mideast Beast Writers Quit Over Lack of Death Threats

The Mideast Beast is reportedly losing writers over the lack of hate mail and death threats. One writer, William Balzac explains, “I didn’t graduate with a Masters in Fine Arts from Yale to write scathing satire of corrupt Middle Eastern dictators, crazy Zionist settlers, and camel related sexual escapades and NOT receive death threats. I expected to receive at least a couple of death-threats a week from the jihad crowd, but I guess they’re too busy being pussies. Another writer,...

Palestinian Authority Launches GoFundMe after US Aid Cuts

Palestinian Authority Launches GoFundMe after US Aid Cuts

The Palestinian Authority has announced it will launch a GoFundMe page, after the U.S. State Department’s $80 million aid reduction and further threats from Donald Trump to cut all aid. PA President Mahmoud Abbas decried the cuts. “After decades of brutal and humiliating occupation, this is a slap in the face of the Palestinian nation and will be devastating to its people. Our reduced circumstances will mean my new $13 million-dollar Presidential Palace will only have only one helicopter pad...

Abbas Honors the Dozens of Jews Killed During Holocaust

Abbas Honors the Dozens of Jews Killed During Holocaust

In a move aimed at building trust with world Jewry, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas marked International Holocaust Remembrance Day with a statement honoring the “dozens of Jews who tragically lost their lives.” “We must never forget that the horrors of Nazi rule robbed nearly 100 Jewish individuals of their lives,” the statement read. “While this tragedy does not reach the level of the Rwandan genocide or Clay Aiken’s loss in the 2003 American Idol series, it is a tragedy nonetheless.”...

Somewhere Over the Armageddon Rainbow… #FierceFierce

Somewhere Over the Armageddon Rainbow… #FierceFierce

In this week’s Mideast Beast podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles break down Vice President Pence’s recent visit to Israel, and almost have their own breakdown as they uncover the truth behind Evangelical Christians, peace plans, and streets named Penis. Alex tries to come up with his own plans, but is so fearful of what’s to come (and his Christmas Cake addiction frankly doesn’t help), he is actually at a loss for words and can only manage to shout...

Iraq Thrilled by Turkish Threat to Swing by for a Fight

Iraq Thrilled by Turkish Threat to Swing by for a Fight

The Iraqi government has enthusiastically greeted Turkish President Erdogan’s threat to fight Kurdish forces on their soil. A spokesperson commented, “Fighting is really what we’re known for over here, so close neighbors offering to come and join in is always most welcome. There’s really more than enough pain and suffering to go around. Come one come all! That’s our motto!” A Turkish army commander spoke for many of his colleagues, “Iraq is really in the top three places that everyone...

Egypt’s President to Clone Self to Allow for Contested Election

Egypt’s President to Clone Self to Allow for Contested Election

Saying that he is committed to turning Egypt into a model democracy, Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi announced that he will employ scientific breakthroughs recently used to clone a macaque monkey to create a duplicate of himself. The breakthrough will allow Sisi, who has disqualified or arrested all potential challengers for his office, to permit a second Egyptian to seek the nation’s highest office without fear of arrest. The president had drawn criticism from international observers after ex-general Sami Anan...

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the Brooklynites explained their more severe stance: “It’s not enough to stop white people from selling Arab food. We need to stop the chauvinist market of...

California to Create New Country: Safespaceistan

California to Create New Country: Safespaceistan

Efforts by the residents of California to secede from the US haven’t yet received sufficient support to be realized. Consequently, a revolutionary group of Californian millennials have decided to found their own country in unpopulated territory in Oman, near the Yemeni border. The country, Safespaceistan, will serve as a safe space for those Americans who feel overwhelmed by the prospect of life with Trump as president. The mastermind behind the initiative, an anonymous UC Berkeley student, said the following: “As...