ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’
Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus, most...
Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians
Following months of airstrikes over the embattled country of Yemen, Saudi Arabia has finally declared victory. “We could not allow this type of unrest to grow on our border,” announced Saudi military leaders. “We will prevail. Houthis, Al Qaeda, non-violent women and children, soon they’ll all submit to the might of the Saudi military.” RELATED: Reporters Disappointed that Yemen Just Always Looked Like That Claims of civilian fatalities seem to be far from unusual, but the real crisis is in the destruction...
Khashoggi Probably Not a Real Person, Trump Says
In another effort to absolve the Saudi regime of the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, US President Donald Trump now says that the Washington Post journalist was “probably not even a real person anyway.” “Listen, we have no proof that this Jamal Pierogi (sic) guy even existed,” Trump said after the CIA released a report concluding that Khashoggi did exist and that his murder was ordered by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. “I mean, maybe he was and maybe he...
Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...
DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’
Speaking before a packed United Nations General Assembly, rapper-producer DJ Khaled has pitched a bold plan for resolving one of the world’s most intractable conflicts: the creation of a binational state in the Holy Land, with hip hop as its only religion. According to the Snapchat superpower’s peace proposal, Israel, the West Bank and Gaza Strip would be united as a single state called ‘WeTheBesti-istan’, with Khaled as President for Life and Jewish reggae superstar Matisyahu as Vice-President for Life. Khaled,...
White House Confirms First Thanksgiving Saudi Prince Pardon
The White House today announced the start of a new tradition for this holiday season with Sarah Sanders stating, “President Trump knows that the American people elected him to transform this country, and what better place to continue that journey than by vastly improving our traditions. So, starting this holiday he will be picking one member of the Saudi Royal Family to receive a very special gift: a full Presidential pardon, for any crimes they may, or we must stress very...
Turkey’s President Erdogan Advises Pelosi on Putting Down a Coup
In an effort to fend off a challenge for her party’s leadership, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has hired Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to advise on putting down an attempted coup d’etat. “Just as I am on the verge of amassing the power I have dreamed of for years, these rebels try to take it all away from me,” Pelosi said, referring to 16 Democrats who publicly opposed her election as Speaker of the House. “I needed advice from someone...
Don Jr. Offers to Listen to Killing Tape for Dad
President Trump’s eldest child stepped in over the weekend, offering to listen to the tape supplied by the Turkish security services of the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. A White House insider commented, “His dad didn’t want to listen on account of it being a ‘suffering tape, a terrible tape’, but Junior was all like, ‘it’s cool, I can listen while I’m in the gym getting my six pack in shape.’” “So far, we think he’s listened to it over...
Saudi Crown Prince Says He Ordered Khashoggi Killing on Ambien
With the CIA concluding that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman ordered the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, the crown prince now claims he had taken Ambien before sending a team to Istanbul to kill the reporter. “I am not a murderer, just an idiot,” bin Salman told The Mideast Beast. “I took an Ambien to fall asleep, and it seemed like a good idea to send a 15-man team to Turkey to assassinate and dismember a Washington Post columnist...
Hamas Files Suit Against Margaret Atwood
HOLLYWOOD: Hamas lawyers have filed a suit in Los Angeles Supreme Court against author Margaret Atwood, and the producers of the TV series based on her novel “The Handmaid’s Tale” “The Handmaid’s Tale” is a dystopian story of a fanatical religious patriarchal authoritarian regime which is homophobic and misogynistic. “This is clear cultural appropriation”, according to Hamas spokesman Mahmud Ofyassir. “Gilead is just Gaza with American accents”, he said. In her defense, Ms Atwood pointed out that her novel was...
Lamb Confirmed as Khashoggi Killer
Saudi authorities have announced that after a thorough investigation of the killing of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi, that they have identified a young sheep as 100% to blame. A government spokesman commented, “He might look harmless, all cute and fluffy. But don’t fall for it, he’s in fact a stone-cold killer. Case closed, nothing more to see here. We will be executing him swiftly and then coincidently enjoying a delicious BBQ.”” The lamb has so far denied everything, “I wasn’t even...
Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”
A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep the Jewish People safe from a bunch of anti-tank wielding fanatics and what thanks do I get?” “Sweet fuck all!...
Small Suspicion Jared Peace Plan not Working
Leaders in the Middle East have expressed a small but nagging suspicion that President Trump’s son-in-law may not be the greatest peace negotiator to ever walk the earth. Rebecca Aarons of the Israeli Center for ‘Will You Just Stop Doing That Because I Swear We are Going To Come Over and You Are Going to Regret It’, commented, “It’s not that I don’t trust the President when he says that a real estate developer with a frankly mixed record and...
Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself
The Prophet Muhammad admitted today that he was a bit disappointed to find that, 1,400 years after creating what he believed to be the perfect society in modern-day Saudi Arabia, the world seemingly has largely forgotten about him. “I realize a millennium and a half is a long time, but I expected to find at least an occasional painting or sculpture of myself,” Muhammad told The Mideast Beast. “I see paintings of the Prophet Isa [Jesus] all over the place, and...
Hillary Clinton to Run for President of Syria
DAMASCUS — Acknowledging that it is her best shot at becoming president, former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced the she will move to Syria and challenge President Bashar al-Assad in the next election. “I gave America two chances to elect me president, and they blew it both times,” Clinton said in press conference announcing her candidacy. “Now, I have no choice but to take my talents to Damascus.” Clinton, who lost in the Democratic primary in 2008 and...
Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers
Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...
The Mideast Beast Presents the Fill-in-the-Blank Israeli-Palestinian Conflict News Template
Are you a reporter who finds reporting the news on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict incredibly tedious and unvaried? Does it seem like every news story you write sounds the same, offering little-to-no varied perspective or alternative context? Fortunately for you, our idiot brilliant writers at The Mideast Beast have created a template so you can take your reporting to even lazier and shallower levels! Just fill in the blanks and you can report on anything! Date Line: Jerusalem, Israel or Al-Quds,...
Iraqi Government Receives Online Applications from DC
Iraqi prime minister, Adel Abdul-Mahdi, has confirmed that the recent invitation for online applications for cabinet positions has had a surprisingly high number of applications from the Washington, DC region. “We were clear that this was only open to Iraqi nationals,” a spokesman for the PM commented. “However, we will say we were impressed by the enthusiasm and experience of many of the DC applications. Who knew there was such a large Iraqi expat community cluster. We were particularly impressed...
Jewish, Arab Colleagues Endure Middle East Questions from Co-Workers
Yoni Hertzelshtein and Yusuf Habibi, have yet again had their morning cigarette break interrupted by a colleague wanting to understand ‘all that crazy stuff happening over there’. The pair, who work in the marketing department for Tampon manufacturer Kimberly-Clark, explained this is not a unique occurrence. “When things are really kicking off we can expect inane questions at any time of the day. We can start off a meeting talking about how we plan to promote our newest heavy-flow super-absorbent...
Bacon Sandwiches Encourage Israeli-Palestinian Peace
International peace efforts for the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict were recently given a boost by the introduction of bacon sandwiches to the breakfast buffet in Cairo. Dore Steinwitz, professional Israeli apologist, commented, “these are mental! Why did no one ever tell me about these before? I admit that since the invention of the refrigerator, I’ve been a little hazy on the need for the ‘no pig’ rules. But I never realized how batshit crazy they tasted. To be honest I’d be willing to open...