Broadcasting Fake News From Jail
This week’s Mideast Beast Podcast is being broadcast from jail, as it is now a crime to broadcast fake news. Or is this fake news? It is… for now. Hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss the real news about fake news and how it is affecting the world, the media and the people. From Malaysia, where fake news legislation will make it a crime to broadcast fake news, punishable up to six years in jail, to the Middle East...
World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply
TEL AVIV – The Mideast Beast has recently discovered that The World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to Israelis’ and Palestinians’ water supply. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no one in Israel or Palestine seems bothered by the move. WHO spokeswoman, Dr. Jamie Gagglenuts, delivered an official and concise statement on why the WHO took such drastic steps: “the unofficial consensus within...
Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect
The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun of us and say we’re not real pilots, but we really do suffer. Our chairs don’t come with cup holders,...
Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama
Lamenting that the former first dog did nothing as his owner escalated a campaign of drone strikes and targeted killings, leftist activist Noam Chomsky is calling for Bo Obama to be brought before The Hague for alleged war crimes. “While Barack Obama violated the Geneva Conventions, the 1907 Hague Restrictions and the customary laws of war with his killings of civilians in Pakistan, Yemen, and Somalia, we heard not so much as a bark from his best friend and accomplice,”...
IDF Confirms: “We Shoot Kids Just to Keep the Debate Going”
An IDF spokesperson has confirmed that they only use live rounds when they feel things have become a little too comfortable. “We’ve got a friend in the White House who’s one tweet away from leveling Tehran and we’ve ordered all the party food for when they move their embassy to Jerusalem. But to be frank all that good news leaves us with an aching sense that we could get into a rut.” “Thank the Lord for Hamas, we can always...
Jesus Still a Little Cross with Dad
During a recent interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus opened up about his tumultuous relationship with his temperamental father. “Dad? We’ve had our ups and downs. I mean, before he brutally sacrificed me to save all humanity, he used to be a huge dick. Remember the flood? Or when he got hammered and convinced Abraham to sacrifice his own son? Or when he ‘a-salted’ – sorry, couldn’t resist – Lot’s wife? Seriously who wouldn’t want to watch a city get...
Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing
Islamic State leaders are blaming an increase in the availability of high quality Internet porn for their inability to recruit enough volunteer suicide bombers. Speaking exclusively to The Mideast Beast (TMB), ISIS’ Director of the Head Separation Techniques Department admitted that the problem had become so acute that the organization has needed to put a new recruitment drive in place. “It used to be that the promise of 72 virgins in paradise would be enough to motivate any hairy palmed onanist...
Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon
Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...
Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa against Ball Shaving
TEHRAN – Responding to what he termed “the alarming trend of homosexualization” sweeping Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has outlawed male genital grooming. Blaming “western cultural imperialism” for the growing popularity of ‘manscaping’ in the Islamic Republic, Ali Khamenei announced the fatwa at a recent meeting of senior Shi’ite clergy in the holy city of Qom: “Allah made your balls hairy, so be proud of them – or lose them!” he declared to thunderous applause. As such, spot checks...
Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules
Once an outspoken anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced plans to return to Judaism after a group of Conservative rabbis overturned an 800-year ban on eating kitniyot, a group of foods that includes rice, beans and legumes, during Passover. “The only reason I converted to Islam in the first place was because I could never go eight days without bread, rice, beans or corn,” Ahmadinejad told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the they’ve finally changed those...
Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter
In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus of Nazareth has confirmed what many Christians have feared for centuries: Passover is a way cooler holiday than Easter. “I just like how Passover is all organized with a manual for dummies and all,” said the former failed carpenter-turned-shepherd of salvation. “Easter is just very haphazard, even I can’t keep track of half the things you’re supposed to be doing. Also, why is there a rabbit? Seriously, who made that shit...
British Labour Party Issues Statement: “Let’s Just Agree to Disagree About the Jews”
In an attempt to draw a line under current criticism that the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn might be just a tiny bit “anti-Jew” the party HQ provided a press release this morning. It read in part: “Look just to be clear we love Jews. We merely have a principled concern with the rights of Palestinians to live in peace on their land and the long-term hope for a two-state solution that recognizes everyone’s rights. Also, we suspect that Jews run...
Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’
A severe shortage of suitable ‘throwing stones’ in the West Bank has caused a panic in recent weeks. Citing natural erosion – and decades of stone-throwing by teenagers who should have been in school –Palestinian Authority officials have declared a state of emergency in various cities and towns throughout the West Bank, leaving the IDF and the international community asking: what will they throw next? Speaking to The Mideast Beast, 12-year-old Usman Abu Rahman said, “Without stones to throw, I’m more depressed than ever. Throwing stones at...
Biden Vows to Give Assad a ‘Noogie’
Calling the Syrian strongmen an evil tyrant who desperately needs to be brought to justice, former Vice President Joe Biden has vowed to track down Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and give the Middle Eastern leader a “noogie.” “If we were back in high school, I would find that sucker, put him in a headlock and dig my knuckles into his skull until he cried ‘uncle,’” Biden declared Friday. “And you know what? That is exactly what I’m going to do.”...
Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling
North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and United States President Donald Trump are reportedly to begin Non-Violent Communication Therapy. Donald Trump has tweeted, “Nobody does non-violent communication better than me. We are going to break down the biggest walls!! #MAGA” A spokesperson for the North Korean regime corroborated the story, stating that “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will engage imperialist leader ‘little-hands Trump’ with Non-Violent Communication. The Supreme Leader invented Non-Violent Communication Therapy for those times when tying someone to a...
UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”
UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, announced that the United Nations will assert its authority over the Middle East by declaring the region a “gun-free zone.” The announcement, effective immediately, intends to address the threat posed by armed groups, militias, rogue governments, terror cells, criminal networks, Israeli settlers, Israeli Merkava 3’s, Israeli Merkava 4’s, Israeli F-15’s, Israeli F-16’s, Mossad hybrid attack dolphins, Nerve Gas in Syria, Russian Mercenaries, the ‘totally in control’ Iranian Nuclear program, Premature Suicide detonations, Sinai Camel Pirates, Sunni...
Saudi Arabia’s “It” Prince, D-Bag Bureaucrats, and La La Land’s Polite People
With Prince Mohammed of Saudi Arabia and host Molly Livingstone both in the US on tour, it’s only a matter of time before their paths cross. Until then, the podcast covers the prince’s visit to the White House, his weird mommy issues, and co-host Alex Giles’s not-boy crush. The two also discuss the red tape around the red ribbon ceremony for the new impending Jerusalem US embassy (slated to open in May), polite Americans, and their desire to know what...
Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal
Sources within Mossad, Israel’s national intelligence agency, have confirmed to The Mideast Beast that it has better things to worry about than Britain’s Leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, and that on balance he isn’t the biggest existential threat to the State of Israel. “Iran continues to race towards possession of nuclear weapons, ISIS is still around, and the Syrian army continues taking out its frustrations on its own people. So with all that in mind we don’t consider the ramblings of some...
Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China
The region voted most likely to bring about The End of Days since 1948 breathed easy the other day as President Trump pivoted his Twitter diplomacy in an Asian direction. A Saudi diplomat commented, “For a moment there we thought he was going to start giving us some grief over the oil prices or the cluster fuck of the month that is Yemen. But luckily it appears that he thought it would be more fun to provoke another nuclear power.” Israeli commentator...
Syrian President Offers to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence
Over the weekend, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reached out to the Trump administration offering to help with the rising gun violence in Chicago. “You know, I have a great deal of experience dealing with armed gangs and civil unrest,” President Assad said to reporters. “Our so-called ‘Free Syrian Army’ isn’t so different from your Almighty Gaylords.” The White House Press Office has announced that a comprehensive anti-crime joint taskforce is being developed with the Syrian Government to quell the gang-related...