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Erdogan Names 50 Cent Finance Minister
Looking to right the country’s economic ship amidst a falling lira and high unemployment, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced that he has named rapper Curtis Jackson, better known as 50 Cent, as the country’s new finance minister. The appointment came as a surprise to many in the international community given Jackson’s public struggles to maintain his own finances. Jackson...
Saudi Arabia to Open Least Exciting Resorts Ever
The Saudi Arabian government has admitted to being disappointed at the public reaction to its plans for new tourist resorts on islands in the Red Sea. One blogger commented, “So what you’re saying is it will be like lying on a beach in Dubai but without the two-for-one cocktail hour. Or like lying on the beach in Tel Aviv but...
Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages
HEAVEN — A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical...
Gay Vandals Give Al-Aqsa Mosque ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve
The Mideast Beast, among other reputable news outlets, are asking, “If this happened last year on New Year’s Eve, what the hell’s coming at midnight 2022? JERUSALEM – Not long after painting Egypt’s pyramids of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In...
Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows
A new study from the Iranian Institute for the Advancement of anti-Semitism revealed that it’s the worst time in history to be an anti-Semite. The study showed that, since the inception of the Jewish state, it has become increasingly more difficult for assholes to persecute the Jews. When they started, the researchers said they hoped to show that persecuting Jews...
UN Commission Finds Jews to Be “Only Ethnic Group That Doesn’t Really Belong Anywhere”
The “Jewish Question” is a lot like the Kardashians – a lot of people have tried to understand what all the fuss is about, but no one seems to have a 100% convincing explanation. Recently however, the United Nations tasked a commission with finally answering the question of “where all these damn Jews are coming from, and where do they belong?” ...
Horrified by U.S. Mass Shootings in 2021, Assad, Hamas to Ban All Guns
As the U.S. wraps up 2021 with an impressive 640 mass shootings, some Middle Eastern leaders, horrified at the violence, are considering a full embargo on guns. Saying that he could only stomach so much violence, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly ready to ban assault rifles like the AR-15 and even semi-automatic pistols, such as Glocks. “After seeing four...
US Officials Panic as Syria Masses Camels on Jordanian Border
American security officials are now facing yet another international crisis, as Syria has positioned tens of thousands of camels on its border with Jordan, raising concerns that it might be planning an invasion. The threat leaves the Biden administration facing crises in the Middle East and in Europe, where Russia has sent 175,000 troops to the border with Ukraine. But...
Smollett Says Nigerian Attackers Claimed to be Princes, Promised $3.2 Million
The two Nigerian men who attacked Jussie Smollett in January of 2019 claimed to be princes in their home country and promised Smollett more than $3 million if he let them beat him up, the actor now claims. Smollett said that his correspondence with the brothers began in 2018, when they e-mailed him out of the blue informing him that...
Assad Convinced U.S. High Schools Produce Better Terrorists Than Syria
Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has voiced his enthusiasm that U.S. high schools “produce better terrorists than Syria.” Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast after having his beauty sleep once again ruined by nightly sorties of blue-starred F35s strafing Persian-affiliated yoga classes in Damascus. “The recent high school shooting in Michigan sadly proves, yet again, that U.S. high schools produce far...
Biden Threatens to Move MLB All-Star Game from Iran
Facing increasing intransigence from the Islamic Republic in its pursuit of nuclear weapons, President Joe Biden is considering his own nuclear option. If Iran continues to accelerate its nuclear weapons program and refuses to honor previously made commitments, Biden says he will ask Major League Baseball not to hold the 2022 All-Star Game in Tehran. “Listen, I’ve lost my patience...
Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply Chain
TEL AVIV – From the United States of America to the Federated States of Micronesia, the global supply chain crisis is causing a surge in demands that continue to be unmet. For Christmas, children around the world won’t get the toys they want, and the Karens of Suburbia might be facing an unimaginable situation: the entire holiday season without wine....
Report: World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply
GENEVA — The Mideast Beast’s investigative team has recently discovered that the World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to the water supply of Israelis and Palestinians. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no one in Israel or Palestine...
12-Step Program for Anti-Israel Addicts
THE INTERNET — On Thursday evening The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with Dr. Omer Rashida-Cortez, Director of the Anti-Israel Addicts Anonymous group, who has developed a 12-step program not just for “Israel = apartheid” addicts but specifically tailored for addicts who get every. fucking. thing. wrong. about Israel. Rashida-Cortez noted, “At least drunks can be fun and...
ISIS Offshoot ‘Jihad Squad’ Sues Congresswomen Over Copyright Infringement
A little-known Islamic State offshoot known as the “Jihad Squad” announced that it is suing several progressive members of the US Congress after learning that they are also known by the moniker. Representatives Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez were all named in the lawsuit, as the terror offshoot from Pakistan’s Baluchi region claimed that the radical Congresswomen have...
Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”
Miss Iran, Fatameh Ayatollicious, has reportedly been disqualified from the upcoming Miss Universe competition due to “excessive facial hair growth.” The news came amid reports that the contestant, who attended every single event wearing a tunic and turban, appeared to be at least 70 years old and suspiciously resembled Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “I’m not saying that the Miss...
Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron
Dr. Anthony Fauci, chief medical advisor to President Joe Biden, has issued a Fatwa, or Islamic decree, against Omicron, the newest coronavirus variant to threaten the West. “After consulting with prominent alternative medicine experts like Grand Sheikh Ahmed el-Tayeb, Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, and Rep. Ilhan Omar, I realized that a Fatwa is the only way to defeat Covid-19 once and...
ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
BLACK FRIDAY — ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi’s determination to score a cheap, big flat screen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Al-Qurashi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already...
Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show
GAZA CITY — Hamas, a self-declared non-Belieber, has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as yet another “infidel noise crime”. Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “This infidel brat Justin...
Breakthrough Seen in Iranian Nuclear Talks as Ayatollah Agrees to Put Pronouns in Twitter Bio
President Biden and Iranian negotiators have reached a major breakthrough in talks to curb Iran’s push towards a nuclear weapon, as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has agreed to add his pronouns to his Twitter bio. The agreement came after weeks of shuttle diplomacy, with Biden touting the deal as a significant step towards “peace in our time.” “This concession by Mr....