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Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue
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Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue

Donald Trump’s actions on January 6 were not much worse than former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s two decades prior, several leading Republicans said after voting to acquit the former president. “Democrats are saying that it’s such a terrible thing to attack the US Capitol that we have to impeach President Trump for it,” Senator Josh Hawley, a Missouri...

ISIS’s Daud Hojj Launches New Pillow to Rival Al-Qaeda
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ISIS’s Daud Hojj Launches New Pillow to Rival Al-Qaeda

Rival terror groups ISIS and Al-Qaeda have gone to the mattresses, with each organization launching a new pillow brand for its supporters. The pillow war started after Al-Qaeda began advertising its Jihad Pillow on late night television. The pillow’s tagline, “You don’t want to meet Allah without a good night’s sleep,” helped it become the top-selling cushion in the Middle...

COVID-19 Given Seat on UN Human Rights Council
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COVID-19 Given Seat on UN Human Rights Council

COVID-19 has been elected to the UN Human Rights Council, joining countries such as China, Cuba, Russia and Pakistan on the international body. COVID-19 is the first virus to sit on the council since it was established in 2006. But electors from the General Assembly noted that the virus will fit in well with the UNHRC’s current members of death...

ICC Chief to Launch War Crimes Investigation After Israeli Hummus Gives Her Gas
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ICC Chief to Launch War Crimes Investigation After Israeli Hummus Gives Her Gas

The International Criminal Court plans to prosecute Israel for violations of the Chemical Weapons Convention after a container of Sabra hummus eaten by chief prosecutor Fatou Bensouda resulted in severe flatulence. Bensouda announced she would launch a war crimes investigation after learning that the company’s founder is Israeli, meaning the country bears responsibility for her digestive distress. “The use of...

Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win
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Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win

Chanting “Stop the Steal,” Kansas City Chiefs fans invaded the NFL headquarters in New York late Sunday night demanding commissioner Roger Goodell name the Chiefs the winners of Super Bowl LV. What started as a protest against the official results of the championship game turned violent after Chiefs fans overran security and forced their way into NFL offices, stealing podiums...

Ted Cruz Shot at Me in Bosnia, Clinton Says
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Ted Cruz Shot at Me in Bosnia, Clinton Says

Former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has revealed the identity of the sniper who tried to assassinate her during a 1996 trip to Bosnia: Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “I remember landing under sniper fire from Senator Cruz,” Clinton recalled. “We were supposed to have a greeting ceremony, but when I saw Ted in his sniper’s nest some...

Ted Cruz Tried to Shoot Me with Space Lasers, AOC Reveals
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Ted Cruz Tried to Shoot Me with Space Lasers, AOC Reveals

Senator Ted Cruz’s attempt to murder Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez did not end with the Capitol riot, the congresswoman revealed. The Texas Republican also tried to shoot her down with a giant space laser, Ocasio-Cortez said in an emotional speech on the House floor. “I was walking down the street in the rain the other day when I saw what at...

Americans Jealous of Myanmar Over Competent Military Coup
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Americans Jealous of Myanmar Over Competent Military Coup

As Myanmar’s military launched a coup d’état to seize power early Monday morning, Americans were reportedly a little bit jealous that anti-Democratic forces were able to depose the elected leader without making the entire country look like circus sideshow. “There were no shirtless Vikings running around, no one taking selfies, no one stealing podiums,” one American following the events noted....

Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons
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Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons

In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a “scare tactic”. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...

Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ilhan Omar Launch Bipartisan House Anti-Semite Caucus
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Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ilhan Omar Launch Bipartisan House Anti-Semite Caucus

Looking to prove that Democrats and Republicans can find common ground despite deep polarization, Democratic Congresswoman Ilham Omar and freshmen Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene have formed a House Caucus to advance Anti-Semitic Stereotypes. The move was heralded as a triumph of bipartisanship, as the two lawmakers will work together to promote a range of conspiracies about Jewish Americans. RELATED:...

Al Qaeda Apologizes for Making Rudy Giuliani Famous

Al Qaeda Apologizes for Making Rudy Giuliani Famous

Acknowledging some responsibility for former New York City mayor and Donald Trump’s former personal attorney, the terrorist group al Qaeda formally apologized for the role it played in bringing Rudy Giuliani to national prominence. The apology comes as Giuliani, who was named Time’s Person of the Year in 2001 for his response to the September 11 attacks, continues to seek...

Iran Seeks Peace with Israel After Learning of Jewish Space Lasers
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Iran Seeks Peace with Israel After Learning of Jewish Space Lasers

The Islamic Republic of Iran is looking to ease tensions with Israel, aiming to avoid confrontation after learning of the existence of Jewish Space Lasers capable of incinerating hundreds of thousands of acres of forestland. Iran had stoked tension with Israel until Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei read a 2018 Facebook post by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene revealing that the deadly...

Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans During Coronavirus Lockdowns
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Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans During Coronavirus Lockdowns

Hamas is leading the charge against the tyranny of telecommuting, or homeworking, by banning video conferencing, along with the occasional arrest to really drive the point home. A spokesman commented, “We’ve been monitoring how bosses have been forcing workers into annoying and unproductive online conference calls. We all know how they just raise blood pressure as people forget to unmute...

ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After Letting Ben Shapiro Guest-Write Morning Jihad
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ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After Letting Ben Shapiro Guest-Write Morning Jihad

More than 100 members of the Islamic State have signed a letter denouncing ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi after the Caliph allowed conservative commentator Ben Shapiro to guest-author one edition of its Morning Jihad newsletter. Looking to expand the group’s popularity, al-Hashimi has invited a series of guest authors from across the political spectrum to write ISIS’s most popular ‘Morning...