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Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue
Donald Trump’s actions on January 6 were not much worse than former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s two decades prior, several leading Republicans said after voting to acquit the former president. “Democrats are saying that it’s such a terrible thing to attack the US Capitol that we have to impeach President Trump for it,” Senator Josh Hawley, a Missouri...
Full Transcript of Trump’s Long Awaited Apology for Role in 2021 Storming of the Capitol Building
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ISIS’s Daud Hojj Launches New Pillow to Rival Al-Qaeda
Rival terror groups ISIS and Al-Qaeda have gone to the mattresses, with each organization launching a new pillow brand for its supporters. The pillow war started after Al-Qaeda began advertising its Jihad Pillow on late night television. The pillow’s tagline, “You don’t want to meet Allah without a good night’s sleep,” helped it become the top-selling cushion in the Middle...
COVID-19 Given Seat on UN Human Rights Council
COVID-19 has been elected to the UN Human Rights Council, joining countries such as China, Cuba, Russia and Pakistan on the international body. COVID-19 is the first virus to sit on the council since it was established in 2006. But electors from the General Assembly noted that the virus will fit in well with the UNHRC’s current members of death...
International Criminal Court to Prosecute Israel Because Nothing Bad Happening Anywhere Else
The International Criminal Court’s chief prosecutor has decided to examine pursuing legal action against Israel for its 2014 war with Gaza and its ongoing presence in Judea and Samaria because “We can’t really think of a place in the world where anything worse is going on”. The court announced last week that it would pursue a legal action at the...
ICC Chief to Launch War Crimes Investigation After Israeli Hummus Gives Her Gas
The International Criminal Court plans to prosecute Israel for violations of the Chemical Weapons Convention after a container of Sabra hummus eaten by chief prosecutor Fatou Bensouda resulted in severe flatulence. Bensouda announced she would launch a war crimes investigation after learning that the company’s founder is Israeli, meaning the country bears responsibility for her digestive distress. “The use of...
Chiefs Fans Storm NFL Headquarters to Overturn Bucs Super Bowl Win
Chanting “Stop the Steal,” Kansas City Chiefs fans invaded the NFL headquarters in New York late Sunday night demanding commissioner Roger Goodell name the Chiefs the winners of Super Bowl LV. What started as a protest against the official results of the championship game turned violent after Chiefs fans overran security and forced their way into NFL offices, stealing podiums...
Ted Cruz Shot at Me in Bosnia, Clinton Says
Former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has revealed the identity of the sniper who tried to assassinate her during a 1996 trip to Bosnia: Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “I remember landing under sniper fire from Senator Cruz,” Clinton recalled. “We were supposed to have a greeting ceremony, but when I saw Ted in his sniper’s nest some...
Ted Cruz Tried to Shoot Me with Space Lasers, AOC Reveals
Senator Ted Cruz’s attempt to murder Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez did not end with the Capitol riot, the congresswoman revealed. The Texas Republican also tried to shoot her down with a giant space laser, Ocasio-Cortez said in an emotional speech on the House floor. “I was walking down the street in the rain the other day when I saw what at...
Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance
In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology, the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and...
Americans Jealous of Myanmar Over Competent Military Coup
As Myanmar’s military launched a coup d’état to seize power early Monday morning, Americans were reportedly a little bit jealous that anti-Democratic forces were able to depose the elected leader without making the entire country look like circus sideshow. “There were no shirtless Vikings running around, no one taking selfies, no one stealing podiums,” one American following the events noted....
Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons
In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a “scare tactic”. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...
Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ilhan Omar Launch Bipartisan House Anti-Semite Caucus
Looking to prove that Democrats and Republicans can find common ground despite deep polarization, Democratic Congresswoman Ilham Omar and freshmen Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene have formed a House Caucus to advance Anti-Semitic Stereotypes. The move was heralded as a triumph of bipartisanship, as the two lawmakers will work together to promote a range of conspiracies about Jewish Americans. RELATED:...
ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group
In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, what remains of the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference, covered by OAN news network, between ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy...
Al Qaeda Apologizes for Making Rudy Giuliani Famous
Acknowledging some responsibility for former New York City mayor and Donald Trump’s former personal attorney, the terrorist group al Qaeda formally apologized for the role it played in bringing Rudy Giuliani to national prominence. The apology comes as Giuliani, who was named Time’s Person of the Year in 2001 for his response to the September 11 attacks, continues to seek...
Al Qaeda Confused as Series of GameStop Bombings Leave No Infidels Dead
Looking to put the terror group back on the map with a series of mass casualty attacks, Al Qaeda launched a series of suicide bombings at dozens of GameStop retailers across the nation. Al Qaeda expected the attacks to lead to hundreds if not thousands of deaths, al Qaeda officials told The Mideast Beast, given the non-stop buzz around the...
Iran Seeks Peace with Israel After Learning of Jewish Space Lasers
The Islamic Republic of Iran is looking to ease tensions with Israel, aiming to avoid confrontation after learning of the existence of Jewish Space Lasers capable of incinerating hundreds of thousands of acres of forestland. Iran had stoked tension with Israel until Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei read a 2018 Facebook post by Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene revealing that the deadly...
Hamas Bans Homeworking for Gazans During Coronavirus Lockdowns
Hamas is leading the charge against the tyranny of telecommuting, or homeworking, by banning video conferencing, along with the occasional arrest to really drive the point home. A spokesman commented, “We’ve been monitoring how bosses have been forcing workers into annoying and unproductive online conference calls. We all know how they just raise blood pressure as people forget to unmute...
ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After Letting Ben Shapiro Guest-Write Morning Jihad
More than 100 members of the Islamic State have signed a letter denouncing ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi after the Caliph allowed conservative commentator Ben Shapiro to guest-author one edition of its Morning Jihad newsletter. Looking to expand the group’s popularity, al-Hashimi has invited a series of guest authors from across the political spectrum to write ISIS’s most popular ‘Morning...
‘Israelis Not Sexting as Much’, General Security Services Complain
The use of“digital methods” by the Israeli government are still being used to stem the tide of Covid-19 infections and with it, a trove of new information continues to be made available to the Israeli security services. In the now-extended nationwide third lockdown, they have begun to draw some conclusions, and some of them have surprised Shin Bet agents in...