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Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows
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Worst Time in Modern History to be an Anti-Semite, Study Shows

A new study from the Iranian Institute for the Advancement of anti-Semitism revealed that it’s the worst time in history to be an anti-Semite. The study showed that, since the inception of the Jewish state, it has become increasingly more difficult for assholes to persecute the Jews. When they started, the researchers said they hoped to show that persecuting Jews...

Horrified by U.S. Mass Shootings in 2021, Assad, Hamas to Ban All Guns
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Horrified by U.S. Mass Shootings in 2021, Assad, Hamas to Ban All Guns

As the U.S. wraps up 2021 with an impressive 640 mass shootings, some Middle Eastern leaders, horrified at the violence, are considering a full embargo on guns. Saying that he could only stomach so much violence, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly ready to ban assault rifles like the AR-15 and even semi-automatic pistols, such as Glocks. “After seeing four...

US Officials Panic as Syria Masses Camels on Jordanian Border

US Officials Panic as Syria Masses Camels on Jordanian Border

American security officials are now facing yet another international crisis, as Syria has positioned tens of thousands of camels on its border with Jordan, raising concerns that it might be planning an invasion. The threat leaves the Biden administration facing crises in the Middle East and in Europe, where Russia has sent 175,000 troops to the border with Ukraine. But...

Assad Convinced U.S. High Schools Produce Better Terrorists Than Syria
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Assad Convinced U.S. High Schools Produce Better Terrorists Than Syria

Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has voiced his enthusiasm that U.S. high schools “produce better terrorists than Syria.” Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast after having his beauty sleep once again ruined by nightly sorties of blue-starred F35s strafing Persian-affiliated yoga classes in Damascus. “The recent high school shooting in Michigan sadly proves, yet again, that U.S. high schools produce far...

Biden Threatens to Move MLB All-Star Game from Iran
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Biden Threatens to Move MLB All-Star Game from Iran

Facing increasing intransigence from the Islamic Republic in its pursuit of nuclear weapons, President Joe Biden is considering his own nuclear option. If Iran continues to accelerate its nuclear weapons program and refuses to honor previously made commitments, Biden says he will ask Major League Baseball not to hold the 2022 All-Star Game in Tehran. “Listen, I’ve lost my patience...

12-Step Program for Anti-Israel Addicts
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12-Step Program for Anti-Israel Addicts

THE INTERNET — On Thursday evening The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with Dr. Omer Rashida-Cortez, Director of the Anti-Israel Addicts Anonymous group, who has developed a 12-step program not just for “Israel = apartheid” addicts but specifically tailored for addicts who get every. fucking. thing. wrong. about Israel. Rashida-Cortez noted, “At least drunks can be fun and...

ISIS Offshoot ‘Jihad Squad’ Sues Congresswomen Over Copyright Infringement
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ISIS Offshoot ‘Jihad Squad’ Sues Congresswomen Over Copyright Infringement

A little-known Islamic State offshoot known as the “Jihad Squad” announced that it is suing several progressive members of the US Congress after learning that they are also known by the moniker. Representatives Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez were all named in the lawsuit, as the terror offshoot from Pakistan’s Baluchi region claimed that the radical Congresswomen have...

Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”
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Miss Iran Disqualified From Miss Universe Due to “Excessive Facial Hair Growth”

Miss Iran, Fatameh Ayatollicious, has reportedly been disqualified from the upcoming Miss Universe competition due to “excessive facial hair growth.” The news came amid reports that the contestant, who attended every single event wearing a tunic and turban, appeared to be at least 70 years old and suspiciously resembled Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “I’m not saying that the Miss...

Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron
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Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron

Dr. Anthony Fauci, chief medical advisor to President Joe Biden, has issued a Fatwa, or Islamic decree, against Omicron, the newest coronavirus variant to threaten the West. “After consulting with prominent alternative medicine experts like Grand Sheikh Ahmed el-Tayeb, Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, and Rep. Ilhan Omar, I realized that a Fatwa is the only way to defeat Covid-19 once and...

ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
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ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

BLACK FRIDAY — ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi’s determination to score a cheap, big flat screen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Al-Qurashi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already...

Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show
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Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show

GAZA CITY — Hamas, a self-declared non-Belieber, has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as yet another “infidel noise crime”. Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “This infidel brat Justin...

Iran: “Biden is our Favorite Thanksgiving Turkey”

Iran: “Biden is our Favorite Thanksgiving Turkey”

Ahead of renewed nuclear talks with Western powers, Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei praised President Biden as “our favorite Thanksgiving Turkey.” Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast about his dream of making the world a better place. “We ayatollahs love Thanksgiving and want to thank the United States of America for our favorite turkey: Joe Biden. The White House dude...

Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears”
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Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears”

Hamas has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as an “infidel noise crime against sensitive Islamist ears.” Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “The infidel brat Justin Bieber is the...

ISIS Announces Plot to Cross State Lines
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ISIS Announces Plot to Cross State Lines

Looking to re-enter relevance in the United States, the Islamic State terrorist group announced that it plans to commit the most horrific crime known to man: crossing state lines. ISIS leaders said they were unaware that traveling from one state to the other was such a heinous offense until they saw scores of journalists, activists, and celebrities calling for Kyle...