Bloomberg Asks TruNews How Whole ‘Jew Coup’ Thing Works
Former New York City Mayor and Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg lashed out at far-right news site TruNews for warning of a potential “Jew coup,” calling it a baseless conspiracy theory and adding, “besides, if it was a real thing, how exactly would it work?” “As a Jewish American, I am shocked and offended that President Trump would credential an organization that promotes such offensive anti-Semitic tropes,” Bloomberg said. “There is no such thing as a ‘Jew coup,’ but if...
Bernie Sanders Celebrates World Hijab Day, Detained at JFK Airport
Seeking to boost his progressive pre-election credentials, a Hijab-clad Bernie Sanders was accidentally detained at JFK airport on World Hijab Day. JFK’s security manager told The Mideast Beast, “We mistakenly believed that Mr. Sanders was an activated female Jihad terrorist from a Cuban terrorist cell. We heard something ticking suspiciously inside his socialist hijab.” A fuming Sanders told The Mideast Beast, “The security was so rude that I almost thought that I was in Israel. In solidarity with oppressed communities,...
After Abbas Cuts Ties With the US, Bernie Suggests Five-State Solution
Bernie Sanders has vowed to present a five-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict when he becomes president of the United States. The statement comes after Mahmoud Abbas announced that he is cutting ties with the US over Donald Trump’s Deal of the Century, which lays out a plan for a two-state solution. “We’ve informed the Israeli side…that there will be no relations at all with them and the United States, including security ties,” Abbas said. “Trump’s so-called ‘peace deal’ is...
Tlaib Disappointed to Learn Lizzo Not Saying ‘Blame it on the Jews’
Democratic Rep. Rashida Tlaib has demanded that the iTunes store refund her purchase of Lizzo’s new hit single “Juice” after the congresswoman discovered the singer is not saying “Blame it on the Jews.” Tlaib said she heard the popular song on the radio and rushed to purchase the single due to what she believed was its powerful message. “I thought that I had stumbled upon more than a catchy tune. This was my entire political platform set to music,” Tlaib...
Warren Vows to Get a Disabled Transgender Illegal Immigrant’s Approval Before Any Military Action
In a bid to appeal to her party’s most progressive voters, Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has promised to seek the approval of a disabled transgender Muslim illegal immigrant before authorizing any military action in the Middle East. Her statement came a day after she said she would only appoint a Secretary of Education that was approved by a young transgender person at a campaign stop in Iowa. She was later asked about her Middle East policy. “How are you...
Netanyahu Vows to Bring Back Israel’s 10 Lost Tribes, If They Promise to Vote for Him
In a bid to win the upcoming elections, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has vowed to bring back Israel’s 10 lost tribes, if they promise to vote for him. The announcement comes after Netanyahu brought back Naama Issachar, a 27-year-old dual American-Israeli citizen, who had been jailed in a Russian prison for carrying 9.5 grams of marijuana which was found in her luggage at Moscow airport. In addition to bringing back Naama, Netanyahu has also said that he will bring home...
Trump Peace Plan Gives Israel, Palestine Back to Turks
In a move that stunned both Israelis and Palestinians, US President Donald Trump unveiled a proposed peace plan that returns the entire region to Turkish control. “I was going to have this whole elaborate plan to create a Palestinian state in the West Bank, and build a tunnel to Gaza, and all this really confusing stuff that frankly was very boring,” Trump said, referring to a previous proposal released earlier in the week. “But I talked to my friend Reggie,”...
Deal of the Century Revealed: Trump and Bibi Share Jerusalem
President Trump has declared Jerusalem “shared real estate” for Prime Minister Netanyahu and himself. The groundbreaking recognition constitutes a central component in Trump’s “Deal of the Century” Mideast peace plan. President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast after taking time off from his busy impeachment trial schedule. “It’s a historic and super fair deal, perhaps the last chance to achieve peace between pro and anti-impeachment crowds. Both sides will work closely with Mahmoud Abbas, a great guy, a talented kleptocrat...
Prince Charles Opens up About Beauty of Iran, Finding His True Calling
Prince Charles has announced that he would like to visit Iran. The announcement came in the wake of continued civilian protests against the Iranian regime. “Yes, obviously I would like to [go to Iran],” Prince Charles told the Sunday Times, “I know that Iran – first as Persia and then as the Islamic Republic of Iran – has been such an important part of the world for many centuries and has contributed so much to human knowledge, culture, poetry, and...
203rd Mideast Peace Proposal Set to be as Successful as the Last 202
The Trump Israeli-Palestinian peace proposal has been confidently described by experts as highly likely to be just as good and long lasting as the two hundred or so that have proceeded it since 1967. A spokesman for Jared Kushner, special adviser to the President for the Middle East, and the wooden boy that was promised he could be a real boy if this plan works, commented, “Clearly if you absolutely refuse to study any history it’s remarkably easy to convince...
Dog Lovers Condemn Abbas for Calling Trump a Dog
Horrified dog lovers condemned PLO chief Mahmoud Abbas for calling President Donald Trump a dog. The strong response comes after Abbas reacted to Trump’s “Deal of the Century” Mideast peace plan by stating, “Trump is a dog and the son of a dog.” Twitter is already swamped with the new hashtag #PetToo. Brad Pitt-Bull, chairman of the organization “Hollywood for Pet Rights”, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “We are shocked that anyone could be so cruel to compare our beloved...
Rashida Tlaib Condemns Israel for Killing Mr. Peanut
A day after retweeting and later deleting a post falsely accusing Israelis of kidnapping and killing an eight-year-old Palestinian boy, US Rep. Rashida Tlaib has now blamed Israel for the death of popular Planters mascot Mr. Peanut. “Sad to see Mr. Peanut thrown off a cliff by a herd of violent Israeli settlers,” Tlaib tweeted, citing a tweet by anonymous twitter used @MelGibsonFan69. “First Jesus, then Arafat, and now Mr. Peanut – when will it end?” Mr. Peanut had in...
In Israel for Holocaust Commemoration, Macron Holds Hands With Holocaust Denier
More than 40 world leaders gathered at the Yad Vashem Holocaust memorial center in Jerusalem last week to commemorate the Holocaust and the 75th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. ”Those who died oblige us to tell the truth… All of us [are] determined to work against [Holocaust] denial…” French President Emmanuel Macron told the gathered presidents, prime ministers and monarchs. During his visit to Israel, Macron met with Mahmoud Abbas, leader of the Palestinian Authority. In 1984, Abbas published...
US and Israeli Leaders Meet to Swap Prison Tips
Insiders have admitted that a much-anticipated meeting between Israeli and US leaders to launch the latest peace plan with the Palestinians, is in truth just a great opportunity to get ‘big-house’ ready. A spokesman for the White House commented, “The President is excited to have someone to show off his first attempts at home made shanks which he’s crafted from a nine-iron, and the ‘America First’ tattoo that Trump Jr. has inked across his back. He’s confident the bald eagle...
China Manufactures One Arab, One Jewish Middle East
In flagrant violation of international patent regulations, China has manufactured two Middle Easts in Chinese factories, one for Arabs and one for Jews. The dramatic Beijing initiative came after China recently announced a greater commitment to peace, stability and development of the Middle East. China’s Foreign Minister Wang Yi outlined China’s Middle East vision to The Mideast Beast: “It is clear to everyone except Western diplomats that Arabs and Jews are incapable of living together. At the same time, China...
Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Lone Vote Against Jeter for Hall of Fame
In an attack that the terror group hopes will put it back on Americans’ radar, al Qaeda has claimed credit for the one vote against inducting former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter into the Hall of Fame. Jeter received 424 out of 425 possible votes on Tuesday, leaving the sports world furious at the sole holdout, whose identity has not been revealed. But in a chilling tweet issued a day later, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said he was the one...
Anti-War Activists Pat Themselves on the Back for Preventing War With Iran
As the United States prepared to invade Iran earlier this month, many worried that the world was about to spiral hopelessly out of control. American President Donald J. Trump finally seemed poised to start another aggressive war of choice and finally fulfill his longstanding plan to destabilize literally the entire world. But luckily, the rules-based international order had a group of stalwart defenders who kept the mushroom clouds from blooming: the brave men and women of the American anti-war movement....
David Duke Accuses Twitter of White Supremacism after Farrakhan’s Account Suspended
Neo-Nazi David Duke has accused Twitter of “white supremacism” after it mistakenly suspended and later reinstated Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan’s account. Believing he was interviewed by the KKK’s Gaza office, Duke spoke to The Mideast Beast. “I know racism when I see it. My suntanned brother Louie, who survived countless microaggressions by bigoted Zionist termites, is now a victim of Twitter’s white supremacism. It breaks my white heart.” Farrakhan who believed he was interviewed by Ilhan Omar’s Jihad-trainee...
Following Clinton’s Comments, Sanders Announces Skin Color, Sex Change
Bernie Sanders announced on Wednesday that he is having emergency sex change surgery and high dosage melanin injections to transition into becoming a black woman. The announcement came less than 24 hours after comments made by Hillary Clinton in a new documentary were widely publicized. “Nobody likes him, nobody wants to work with him, he got nothing done. He was a career politician. It’s all just baloney…” Clinton said. “On a good day, my wife likes me, so let’s clear...
Obese ISIS Leader ‘Jabba the Jihadi’ Loses 300 Pounds, Hired as Subway Spokesman
Recently captured Islamic State mufti Abu Abdul Bari (dubbed ‘Jabba the Jihadi’), who weighed in at more than 560 pounds (254 kilograms) at the time of his arrest, has dropped nearly 300 pounds after switching his diet to three six-inch Subway sandwiches each day. Subway has brought on Bari to lead a new ad campaign, making the jihadi leader its spokesman. “Subway’s sandwiches are jihadelicious – but they won’t blow up your waistline!” Bari says in recently aired commercial while...