Pope Arrives in UAE to ‘Chill’

Pope Arrives in UAE to ‘Chill’

Pope Francis has admitted today that he is visiting the Gulf this week purely to ‘chillax’ like everyone else that turns up during the Northern hemisphere winter months. “A lot of people are making a big thing about this being a major step forward in interfaith understanding. And that’s great,” the leader of the Catholic faith commented from a chilly Vatican City. “However, I also really need some sun and fun, and I hear those six-star hotels are the real...

Mideast Groundhog Sees Shadow, Signaling Six More Generations of War

Mideast Groundhog Sees Shadow, Signaling Six More Generations of War

In a disappointing development for residents of the region, the Middle Eastern version of Groundhog Day ended with the groundhog seeing his shadow, an indicator that six more generations of war are ahead. Thousands of onlookers from across the Arabian Peninsula and beyond gathered in Mecca to watch Bunxsutawney Bill come out of his burrow, hoping he would usher in an era of peace. But the rodent soon scurried back into his hole, meaning the Mideast can expect at least...

Taliban Eager to Move into Trump ‘Caves’

Taliban Eager to Move into Trump ‘Caves’

Logistical experts with the Taliban have made inquiries into the option of inhabiting the Trump ‘Caves’ that they keep hearing so much about. “It’s no secret that we love a deep dark hiding place and we also fully appreciate the Trump brand. So these seem absolutely ideal for us,” commented a spokesman for the terror group. “However so far we’ve not been able to get anyone to give us details, like pricing or floor plans. Or is financing available? We...

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...

ISIS: “Well, At Least We’re Not ICE”

ISIS: “Well, At Least We’re Not ICE”

In a public relations effort, ISIS has taken the opportunity to comment on the widespread international outrage regarding the separation of families by US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). “We may not be the most popular guys as far as global infidels are concerned, what with all the genocidal intent, terrorism, human rights abuses and so on”, a ISIS spokesperson acknowledged. “But, hey, at least we’re not ICE. We would never be so cruel as to take children away from...

ISIS Promises Virginia Gov. 72 Virgins for Passing Abortion Law

ISIS Promises Virginia Gov. 72 Virgins for Passing Abortion Law

Calling him a leader in the war against infidels, the Islamic State has promised 72 virgins in for Virginia Governor Ralph Northam if he signs legislation allowing abortion until the moment of birth. “For years we have been enthusiastic about killing Americans, and we are thrilled to find that Emir Northam shares our passion,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said. “Just like any warrior who slays the enemies of Islam, Allah will reward him in the afterlife.” Baghdadi also promised...

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

“Fifty Shades of Jihad”: Al Qaeda Releases New Battle Manual at Book Launch

In an attempt to regain some of the attention which has dissipated to ISIS in recent years, Al Qaeda is set to publish a provocatively titled new fighting manual and will be hosting their first book launch next week. Entitled “Fifty Shades of Jihad”, the manual is marketed as a “guide for both the expert and the uninitiated in the world of radical Islamism” and is said to “encompass all the intricate and often sensual facets of Quranic-inspired terrorism”. A...

Taliban Looks to Hire Pelosi to Lead Peace Talks with US

Taliban Looks to Hire Pelosi to Lead Peace Talks with US

After watching US President Donald Trump cave in his demand for a border wall to re-open the US government, the Taliban are desperately trying to recruit House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to lead upcoming peace talks. The Afghani terror group has reportedly offered to make Pelosi the first female Caliph and award her a 50% cut of Afghanistan’s opium revenues if she agrees to sit across from Trump during the peace talks. “This woman made the leader of the infidels accept...

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ATLANTA — Authorities in Atlanta have uncovered the largest ISIS sleeper cell ever found on US soil, with the terror outpost found in R&B star Robert “R.” Kelly’s basement. Detectives say R. Kelly had been using his uplifting lyrics and seductive voice to draw in and brainwash recruits, even recording reworked classics such as “Trapped in the Caliph’s Closet”, “Behead and Grind” and “I Believe I Can Fly…..This Hijacked Plane.” He would meet aspiring artists at his concerts, and recruit them...

Mainline Church to Go Medieval in Peacemaking Activism

Mainline Church to Go Medieval in Peacemaking Activism

In an effort to improve relations between Christians and Jews in the United States, the leaders of the liberal Protestant Disciples of the United Christian Church, have negotiated with the Jewish Public Relations Commission (JPRC) to establish a new way for them to vent their anger at Israel. Instead of one-sided resolutions about the Arab-Israeli conflict at its General Synod, attendees will now engage in a ritual stoning of a Jew prior the synod’s closing worship ceremony. “Fortunately, the history...

ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk

ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk

In an attack they say will shake the nation to its core, the Islamic State promised to infiltrate the US wearing red hats and stand in public venues while smirking. The plan was revealed after Covington Catholic High School student Nick Sandmann’s appearance in a “Make America Great Again” hat at a March for Life rally in Washington DC led to widespread pandemonium and acrimony across the country. “For years, we’ve worked tirelessly to execute the perfect attack that will kill...

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

After reading several books touting conspiracy theories, former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden spent his last days in his compound in Pakistan questioning not only the U.S. government’s version of 9/11 but his own role in the 2001 attacks, newly released documents show. Among the books bin Laden kept in his Abbottabad compound was David Ray Griffin’s “The New Pearl Harbor,” which claims that the Twin Towers were not brought down by planes and that 9/11 was a “False...

Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname

Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname

Tens of thousands of Israelis flooded the streets of Tel Aviv today demanding more choices in their upcoming election. Protest Leader Avi Ben Shlomo addressed the crowd. “We Jews have defied history and built a state. Is it really so much to ask that we have a choice of a leader with a real name? Bibi? Bougie? Seriously, Bamba sounds more like the name of a real leader and that’s a fucking snack food! And don’t get me started on...

UN to End All Conflict in Middle East by Bringing Back Ottoman Empire

UN to End All Conflict in Middle East by Bringing Back Ottoman Empire

NEW YORK — The United Nations has finally figured out a way to bring peace to the Middle East, by voting to bring back the Ottoman Empire. “Forget a two-state solution for Israel and Palestine, now we have a one-state solution, and it’s ruled by Turks. It’s perfect!” commented UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres. “No more wars between Israel, and well, everybody; no more Assad gassing his own citizens; no more Erdogan. Now all we have is rule by a...

Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields

Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields

Under cover of a moonless night in early April of last year, in the Gulf of Aden, Israeli commando units seized the Gaza-bound cargo ship Al-Aarnab. Beneath the usual humanitarian cargo (Viagra pills, e-cigarettes, Bud Light) the troops uncovered the even more usual rockets and weaponry. But in a hidden container deep inside the ship, they uncovered a secret payload: hundreds of the cutest puppies and fluffiest bunnies developed in secret military facilities in Iran. An Israeli intelligence analyst explained...

Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President  “I’m not really up to speed with the complexities of the situation on the ground but I know that the Israelis can’t keep building settlements that don’t have my name on...

Hamas Distances Itself from Women’s March Over Anti-Semitism Concerns

Hamas Distances Itself from Women’s March Over Anti-Semitism Concerns

The Palestinian militant movement Hamas is the latest group to disavow its support for the Women’s March over concerns of anti-Semitism, declining to take part in this weekend’s protests. The decision came after Tamika Mallory refused to condemn remarks by Louis Farrakhan comparing Jews to Satan. “We hate Jews too, but we still think there is such thing as going overboard,” Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh told The Mideast Beast. “Just because they both have horns, it doesn’t make the Jews...

Is This Crap Still Going On?”, Ask Saudis over Khashoggi Murder Probe

Is This Crap Still Going On?”, Ask Saudis over Khashoggi Murder Probe

Following Amnesty International’s reiterated calls for an international murder investigation into the death of Saudi-American Washington Post journalist Jamal Khasoggi, Saudi officials have expressed exasperation and surprise that the scandal continues to make headlines. “Honestly, is this shit really still going on?”, one Saudi government official demanded to know. “Obviously, it had nothing to do with us. But, even if we did do the whole bone-saw thing – totally hypothetical of course – just what does everyone expect from us?...

ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity

ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity

Islamic State fighters announced plans to lay down their arms Tuesday after an ad by the shaving product brand Gillette convinced them their efforts to re-establish the Caliphate were the result of toxic masculinity. “I never thought twice about decapitating human rights workers, blowing up Shiite mosques or keeping young Yazidi girls as sex slaves, because I was always told that was just the way guys were supposed to act,” said former Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who since quitting jihad has...

U.S. Government Shutdown Affecting Life of Federal Employee Mohammad Salman

U.S. Government Shutdown Affecting Life of Federal Employee Mohammad Salman

RIYADH—The shutdown, entering its third week, has come down hard on all Federal employees, and  Saudi-born Federal employee Mohammad Salman is no exception. “This has been hard on my whole family, actually, especially my father His Majesty Salman bin Abdulaziz bin Abdul Rahman bin Faisal bin Turki bin Abdullah bin Mohammed bin Saud,” Salman commented sadly. “As a federal employee who relies heavily on the United States Government for his way of life, this is a let-down. All I usually...