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Saudi Men Tired of Being Treated Like Saudi Women
The coronavirus pandemic has forced much of the world to re-think their social interactions; this has proven more difficult for some countries, especially the ones that haven’t changed the way their societies conduct themselves for several hundred years. In the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, men are complaining that since government restrictions were put in place, they have felt trapped and...
Deal to Turn Dome of the Rock Into Trump Hotel Falls Through
JERUSALEM — After three years of promising “the Deal of the Century”, Trump has revealed that his plan for Middle East peace centers around turning The Dome of the Rock shrine into a Trump Hotel. The President made it clear during negotiations last week that it is not worth lifting a city out of a protracted conflict if he can’t...
Trump Doubles Down, Calls All Iraq War Veterans ‘Pussies’
*Reposted as a timely #ThrowBack article (originally posted in 2016)* Washington, D.C. — He says he would have prevented the 9/11 attacks, he’s criticized Senator John McCain for being captured during the Vietnam War, and presidential republican nominee Donald Trump shows no signs of backing down, as Trump yesterday blasted all Iraq war veterans as “a bunch of pussies...
Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”
While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...
Portland to Set Controlled Burns of Homes, Businesses to Stop Antifa
Looking to limit devastation caused by Antifa and other vandals and arsonists, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler announced that the city will resume controlled burns of properties in the downtown business district. Since the beginning of riot season, the abundance of flammable material such as cars, homes, and shops has contributed to out-of-control arson and vandalism throughout the city. Portland officials...
ISIS Storms US Restaurants Demanding Diners Say “Death to America”
Though ISIS has never been linked to a violent attack in the United States, “mostly peaceful” ISIS affiliates have begun demonstrating in cities across the US, including Seattle and Portland, where law enforcement officials have agreed to stand down. Their demands are clear and their strategy effective. Masked protestors dressed in black have been rushing into restaurants en masse to...
Washington DC Committee Recommends Renaming Capital ‘Arafat DC’
Noting that the nation’s first president was extremely problematic, a committee has recommended removing George Washington’s name from the nation’s capital and renaming the city after someone less controversial like former PLO leader Yasser Arafat. The committee, formed by DC Mayor Muriel E. Bowser to examine problematic statues and monuments, noted that Washington was a slaveholder, was not a vegan...
Trump’s anti-Semitic Comments in Fox News Interview Wins Crufts Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle”
Trump went on Fox News this week to say that dark shadowy people are controlling Joe Biden and the election, which not only solidified his voting base of elderly Germans hiding out in Argentina, but also awarded him the Crufts International Award for “Most Impressive Dog Whistle.” Although this award usually goes to physical whistles for attracting dogs, Crufts adjudicators...
Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons
In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a scare tactic. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...
ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future
Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by September in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their plans citing the plethora of...
CNN to Move Headquarters Somewhere Freer, Like Saudi Arabia
After months of unrest and riots across American cities led to journalists being arrested and threatened, CNN announced they may be moving their headquarters to the Middle East “We are trying to move somewhere with more freedom of press,” said a spokesperson of the news network. “So far the candidates are Riyadh, Kabul, and Tehran. However, due to unexpected cuts,...
UN Votes to Extend Lebanon Peacekeeping Force: “You Can’t Spell ‘Fail’ Without UNIFIL”
The United Nations voted this week to extend the mandate of its peacekeeping force in Lebanon. There was some concern for the fate of UNIFIL, and that the failure to carry out its mission would reflect poorly on the force but UN Security Council representatives said that that has never been a consideration for Middle East policies. A spokesperson commented that...
Israelis: Thank God We Live in The Middle East Where It’s Safe
Given the handling of novel coronavirus pandemic in the U.S., and the ongoing protests for racial justice in America, a lot of Israelis are now saying that they’re glad that they live in the Middle East where it’s safe. “Sure it can be dangerous here sometimes” one Tel Aviv resident said “but we only have to deal with ISIS, Hamas,...
ISIS Wins Left-Wing Support After Changing Name to Anti-ISIS
Islamic terror group ISIS has seen a surge in popularity, particularly among left-leaning millennials, after officially changing its name to “Anti-ISIS.” The group emphasized that it has not altered its mission or ideology and will continue to inflict mass casualty attacks on innocent civilians, primarily in the Muslim World. But calling itself Anti-ISIS has allowed the group to frame all...
Jared Kushner Awarded Booster Seat at the Grown-up Table for Role in Peace Negotiations
The historic peace agreement between Israel and the United Arab Emirates has been hailed as a victory for Israelis, Benjamin Netanyahu, and even Jared Kushner, who was granted a booster seat at the adult table for his adorable participation in the negotiations. Sources have even confirmed that the Prime Minister was seen giving the thirty-nine-year-old an affectionate pat on the...
Republican National Convention to Be Hosted in Judea and Samaria
This week as Mike Pompeo announced that he would be tuning into the Republican National Convention (RNC) from Jerusalem to win over the Evangelical Messianic Jewish vote, some said he was not taking Jared’s peace “plan” seriously enough, so the party decided instead to double down and host the entire event in, what they’re calling, Judea and Samaria. Although almost...
UN Peacekeeping Force in Lebanon “Slightly Concerned” that Violence Reflects Poorly on Them
The United Nations peacekeeping mission in Lebanon, also known as UNIFIL, is set to have its mandate renewed at the end of August. They are concerned, however, that the collapse of Lebanon over the last decade and the violence that Hezbollah has inflicted on the country, could reflect poorly on their ability to carry out their mission. In a normal...
North Korea Orders Roundup of all Pet Dogs; Blames Israel “Just Because”
North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, ordered this week that all pet dogs be confiscated from citizens, claiming the dogs were a symbol of “Western decadence”. Some are concerned though, that in the starving hermit kingdom, the pets might also represent “a decent lunch”. North Korea insists that this is not the case, and blamed Israel for the new policy....
Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven
According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious. Despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in...
Palestinians Won’t Take Part in UAE World Fair; World Devastated
Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Mohammad Shtayyeh announced Monday that the Palestinians will boycott next year’s Expo (world fair) in Dubai following the UAE’s opening of diplomatic relations with Israel. In the statement he said, “Palestinians have much to offer the world, more than the Israelis and the US, and the world will have to reckon with our absence next year....