All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed
In a further bid to control gun violence in America, all Jewish retirees are now to be armed and given full close quarter battle training by SWAT teams. An NRA spokesperson commented, “We fully support the President’s comments that things could have turned out differently if the worshippers had been packing heat. It’s clear that 97-year-old Rose Mallinger could have stood a much better chance if she’d had the ability to shoot back. Probably not a 9mm pistol as the recoil might...
European Court of Human Rights Rules Death Penalty OK for Infidels
Reversing its longstanding opposition to capital punishment, the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) ruled that the death penalty is admissible in cases when the defendant does not accept Prophet Muhammed as his or her savior. “While we remain generally opposed to any government ending the lives of even the worst criminals, people who reject the divinity of the Prophet Muhammed, May Peace Be Upon Him, could stir up prejudice and put at risk religious peace,” the recent ruling stated....
Saudis Hire OJ to Find Khashoggi’s Real Killers
In a move aimed at highlighting his commitment to bringing those responsible to justice, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman has hired NFL Hall of Famer OJ Simpson to investigate the killing of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. “My primary goal in life is to pursue the real killer or killers of Jamal. They are out there somewhere,” the Saudi leader said in a press conference. “And there is no one who knows more about finding real killers than OJ Simpson.” The Saudi...
Yemen: “We Think Some of Our Reporters Have Been Killed by Saudis Too”
Yemen has tentatively raised its hand and coughed, as the world has lost its collective mind over one journalist. “Hi, excuse me, sorry to interrupt. Sorry to be a nuisance. I’m not sure whether any of you had a chance to glance at the latest UN report? Well if you haven’t, we can summarize for you. So, 14 million of us are now facing ‘pre-famine conditions’, and we’re pretty sure that in that number were at least half a dozen...
ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’
Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out. Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...
ISIS Can’t Believe They Forgot to Send Bombs to Republicans
With Americans divided over a series of mail bombs sent to left-wing political figures, ISIS leaders that greenlit the coordinated bombing campaign are kicking themselves over their failure to also send bombs to Republicans. “How could we forget to make sure our victims were bipartisan?” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi complained. “We got so excited about sending bombs to George Soros, President Obama, CNN and a bunch of other infidels that we completely missed the fact that they all happened...
Eric and Tiffany Return from Turkey with Surprise for Dad
Eric and Tiffany were seen entering the White House yesterday evening carrying a bowling ball bag and practically giddy with excitement, having arrived direct from Istanbul to Andrews Air Force Base. A close friend commented, “Frankly they’ve been in the shadow of Ivanka and Don Jr. for so long they would do anything to get some attention from their father. I believe that they got the idea from Jared. His Middle East peace plan has been stalled for a while...
Khashoggi Killed, Dismembered, and then Buried Self, Saudis Now Say
Walking back its admission that the journalist was killed by Saudi agents inside the country’s consulate in Istanbul, the Saudi government now says Jamal Khashoggi took his own life, then dismembered himself before burying his own remains at the nearby consul general’s house. “Khashoggi had been very depressed due to the shame he felt for insulting the Royal Family in his newspaper columns,” a government spokesman said in a statement. “We tried to stop him, but soon after he entered...
ESPN Hires Ahmadinejad as Football Analyst
In a move aimed at boosting the network’s progressive bona fides, ESPN announced that it has hired former Iranian president and die-hard football fan Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as its new NFL/social justice reporter. The move comes after a series of tweets in which Ahmadinejad – who has denied the Holocaust and claimed that there are no gay Iranians – opined on college football, Colin Kaepernick and the murder of Huey Newton. “Since Jemele Hill left the network, we really have not had...
Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing
Islamic State leaders are blaming an increase in the availability of high quality Internet porn for their inability to recruit enough volunteer suicide bombers. Speaking exclusively to The Mideast Beast (TMB), Islamic State’s Director of the Head Separation Techniques Department admitted that the problem had become so acute that the organization has needed to put a new recruitment drive in place. “It used to be that the promise of 72 virgins in paradise would be enough to motivate any hairy palmed...
Evangelicals Impatient That Israel Still Hasn’t Brought About the Second Coming
America’s Evangelical Christian Zionists are growing impatient that the prophecy foretelling the mass conversion of the Jews in Israel and the Second Coming of Christ is yet to be fulfilled. “Our support for Israel is unshakeable,” one Christian Zionist from Dallas told The Mideast Beast, “but if those Israelis don’t see the light of Jesus and convert to Christianity en masse soon then we’re going to have to reconsider the whole Zionism thing. Of course, we weren’t expecting it to...
President Arrives at Rally with Bone Saw
The President wowed a capacity crowd last night at a rally, as he wielded a bone saw over his head. He described it as an unexpected gift from his close personal friend Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman. “It just came in the mail this morning, so thoughtful. He’s just a great guy. I tell you, you know that I know the best guys.” The President, proceeding to wave the saw in the direction of the press pool gathered at the rally,...
Brexit Planners Look to Israelis and Palestinians For Inspiration
Stuck in a Brexit rut, the British have turned to Israelis and Palestinians for assistance. “We have very little time to plan our exit from the colonial, globalist grip of the EU. So, we reached out to Israeli and Palestinian leadership because of what they’ve been able to accomplish over the last 50 years,” noted one spokesperson from 10 Downing Street. “If you look at what both sides have been able to accomplish – politically, economically and even culturally –...
ISIS Disbands After Stephen Hawking Reveals ‘There is No God’
The Islamic State has officially announced its dissolution after scientist Stephen Hawking’s revelation that “there is no God” made the radical Islamist group irrelevant. ISIS, which declared the restoration of the Islamic caliphate in 2014 and has spent the past four years waging a holy war, learned of Hawking’s discovery while reading his recently-published final book. The group initially tried to remake itself as a radical atheist organization, beheading believers and changing its slogan from “There is no God but Allah”...
Iran Just Loving Saudi Situation in Turkey
In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Iranian leaders relayed that they couldn’t be happier with what’s going on with their Sunni brethren over in Iran’s newest buddy, Turkey. Reclining back in their American barcaloungers, one Iranian official said, “Come on, we carry out terror attacks around the world all of the time and we never get busted like that. And 15 guys for one interrogation? We funded and coordinated the bombings of the barracks in Lebanon with two...
Hamas Leader to Move to Israel After Discovering He’s 1/1024 Jewish
In a shocking turn, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh announced that he has renounced jihad and now supports Zionism after a DNA test revealed that he is nearly 0.1 percent Jewish. Haniyeh now says he will move to Israel, practice Judaism and join the Likud party, a dramatic turnaround for a leader who previously vowed to destroy the Jewish state. He announced the findings in a heartfelt video posted to his campaign website, which featured the former terrorist learning the results of...
Rogue Killers Shocked Trump Solved Khashoggi Murder
The rogue killers who snuck into the Saudi consulate in Istanbul to murder journalist Jamal Khashoggi admitted to being stunned that US President Donald Trump was able to immediately solve the crime despite their attempts to pin it on the Saudi government. “We really thought nobody would suspect us if we chose an outspoken dissident to murder and waited until he happened to enter the consulate just as a 15-man Saudi hit squad entered through the back door,” one of the...
“Can You Just Give Us a Hand with This Big Bag First”, Saudis Ask Turkish Officials
Saudi diplomats have welcomed Turkish officials as they begin their search of the consulate, only asking if they wouldn’t mind lending a hand to move a particularly heavy diplomatic bag first. “If you could just take the head, I mean front, end. Then we can get it down the stairs and into the trunk of this car,” an official asked the Turkish search party. The Turkish, well known for their impeccable manners, were happy to help, amidst much well natured...
Israelis Concerned Another War with Hezbollah Will Disrupt Weed Supply
As Hezbollah is in the process of rebuilding itself in Lebanon after fighting in Syria, it is Israelis who are, more than anyone else, the most concerned. After all, the majority of marijuana imported into Israel comes from Lebanon, and Hezbollah has a serious piece of the green and sticky black business. “Look, I hate Hezbollah just as much as any of my fellow Israelis”, noted one resident from Tel Aviv. “And they should be destroyed, kind of like how...
Funny Smell in Saudi Consulate Probably Just the Drains
Any funny smells originating from the Saudi Consulate in Istanbul are most likely to do with the terrible state of Turkish plumbing according to a spokesman for the Kingdom. “I can’t begin to tell you how many times we’ve complained to our host nation about this matter”, he expanded. “It’s becoming embarrassing. We can’t even invite any outspoken critics of the government around for a nice cup of mint tea and an open discussion where we agree to disagree, without...