Countries Fight over Who Can Have the Most Pointless and Absurd Elections
A competition has emerged as to which country can have the most pointless and absurd elections. Last week, the United Kingdom was coming in a strong first place after hosting elections for its representatives in the European Union’s parliament, a body which the country had voted to leave over three years ago. However, following the dramatic news Wednesday night, that Israel would be going to elections just months after their last poll has threatened to supplant the UK. Internal political...
Trump Vows to Make Iran Pay for Associating with U.S. Enemies Like European Union and Barack Obama
Over the course of his campaign, President Trump made it clear that he intended to deal with the Iranian regime by utilizing the same skills he used to pay someone else to write The Art of the Deal. But a few years on, he has discovered that the Iranian regime won’t just follow your lead like a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe while boarding Air Force One. Sources have indicated that tensions with Iran are intensifying, making...
Alabama Court Finds Woman Guilty of “Unlawfully Imprisoning” Unborn Child Inside Womb
In a stunning ruling this week, an Alabama court has decided to make two simultaneous statements, one about the rights of fetuses as they relate to the rights of the women carrying them, and the other about the rights of States as they relate to common sense, the equality of women, and the general progress of civilization. The lawsuit was brought against Alabama native Jessica Stevens, 28, and was orchestrated by the ultra-conservative group, Born Americans for Unborn Patriots. The...
Iran Threatens to Suspend Nuclear Weapons Treaty Clauses “For Purely Peaceful Purposes”
Following Iran’s threats to withdraw from select aspects of the controversial nuclear agreement, the Islamic Republic has insisted, once again, that its nuclear programme is for purely peaceful purposes. “Our decision to keep surplus uranium stocks and further develop our heavy-water nuclear reactor at Arak has nothing whatsoever to do with our relentless war on the Zionists or the Great Satan that is the United States”, one Iranian official said. “Just because these things could be used to create and fuel...
Trump Challenges Iranian Leader to Winner-Take-All Game of Battleship
In another dramatic foreign policy development, US President Donald Trump has threatened to annihilate Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei in Hasbro’s classic board game ‘Battleship.’ In a tweet that reportedly stunned the president’s generals and top advisors, Trump offered to withdraw all military forces from the Middle East and turn over the entire US nuclear arsenal to Iran if the Ayatollah beats him in a winner-take-all Battleship match. “I have a very big brain and no (sic) more about war...
Palestinian Prisoners Threaten Ramadan Hunger Strike
Following the cessation of mass hunger strike plans last month, Palestinian inmates in Israel’s prisons have begun to reinitiate a hunger strike over the course of Ramadan in protest against conditions in their cells. “The fact that the hunger strike is to take place over the month of Ramadan when many devout Palestinians are fasting during daylight hours as per Muslim custom, and that we will only be protesting from about six in the morning until seven in the evening...
Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Requiring Haredi Jews to Play One Game of Laser Tag
In what he has called a major concession aimed at obviating the need for another round of elections, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has put forward a bill requiring Haredi, or ultra-Orthodox, Israelis to take part in one game of laser tag to avoid military service. The proposal comes in response to demands by Avigdor Liberman, the leader of the right-wing Yisrael Beytenu party, that the government pass legislation regulating the draft of yeshiva students into the military. The prime...
Jared Kushner Suggests 6+1 State Solution After Finally Watching Game of Thrones
Scrambling to meet the deadline set by the White House, Jared Kushner has laid out a new 6+1 plan solution for Israel/Palestine inspired by marathoning the final season of Game of Thrones. The plan, explained Kushner, includes unifying all six kingdoms of ancient Israel as one state while giving independence to the ‘North’. It is unclear what Kushner means by the six kingdoms, but he presumably decided to call the Golan Heights ‘The North’. Kushner was initially chosen to find...
Hatari Petitions The Hague Over Bland Falafel in Israel
Accusing the nation of engaging in “apartheid against foreign musicians,” Icelandic techno group Hatari filed charges against Israel for crimes against humanity after being served tasteless falafel during its trip for Eurovision. “While I know that the Middle East has seen injustice and suffering, nothing can compare to the pain of expecting the best falafel I’ve ever tasted and instead being handed a dry, stale, lukewarm ball of mediocrity,” Hatari drummer Einar Stefansson said in a press conference as he...
Rashida Tlaib Plans Relaxing Spa Week at Auschwitz
Noting that she really needs some pampering after a stressful week in Congress, Representative Rashida Tlaib has booked a trip to Poland for a week of spa treatment at Auschwitz. “Dealing with all this nagging from Republicans and Jews has really been terrible for my skin,” said Tlaib, referring to criticism over recent comments about the Holocaust. “I need to go someplace quiet and relaxing, and no place gives me a calming feeling quite like Auschwitz.” Already, news of her trip...
NYC Launches ‘See Something, Confront Your Unconscious Bias and Islamophobia’ Campaign
In an effort to revamp his city’s post-9/11 “See Something Say Something” campaign, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has announced a fresh “See Something, Confront Your Unconscious Bias and Consider How the White Supremacist Patriarchy Has Shaped what is Considered Suspicious” initiative. Posters with the new slogan will begin going up on billboards, trains and buses throughout the city, as de Blasio hopes to refocus threats of terrorism to spur New Yorkers to question their assumptions about Middle Eastern...
Eurovision PR: Come enjoy the ‘Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv’
As Eurovision kicks off in Tel Aviv, the event’s PR team has launched a new campaign urging audiences to purchase the remaining tickets to the music competition, touting it as the “Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv.” The campaign is a last-minute attempt to draw in foreign audiences to the event which has not yet sold out, due in part to anti-Israel boycotts and in part to exorbitant prices. “Israel’s gay community is set to double when the entire European LGBT...
European Officials Claim Spike in Anti-Semitism Due to “Reading Chart Upside-Down”
Amid fears that anti-Semitism is beginning to rear its ugly head on the once fertile, Jew-hating soil of Europe, an exodus off the continent has begun. Jews are starting to treat Europe like a bagel shop that ran out of lox, with more and more leaving every year. Many theories have been put forward as to why this migration is starting to take off, though most people cite increased anti-Semitic incidents. But it seems that European authorities have a different...
Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers
In another courageous protest against the occupation less than a year ago, a third group of Jewish activists has left its free Birthright trip to take a stand against the lack of hot Israeli soldiers on their tour bus. “We came to Israel on Birthright to get a complete and accurate picture of our ancestral homeland by having sex with muscular, tan special forces commanders, but instead we got stuck with two skinny privates and some guy in the IDF’s IT...
Trump Angered to Learn That the Gaza Strip Has Nothing to Do with Strippers
President Donald Trump’s search for “the perfect deal” in the Middle East took an early blow when he discovered that the Gaza Strip has nothing to do with strippers. In a leaked recording by an aide, the President was heard reprimanding the Israeli policy on Gaza’s “pole and lap dancers”. Upon correction, the fury soon subsided, and disappointment took hold. “It’s been really hard work. I thought going to Gaza to see some strippers was going to be a nice...
Israel-Gaza Ceasefire Announced to Celebrate Royal Baby
Citizens in Israel and Gaza were grateful this week for an agreed ceasefire in celebration of the new British Royal Baby. Sources have confirmed that Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Prime Minister Netanyahu met in person following their synchronized CNN blasts that Megan was indeed in labor, before formally announcing the brief hiatus this morning under the moniker Operation Silver Spoon. The meeting allegedly discussed whether the baby would be a boy or a girl, if they would be satisfied...
Confused Biden Touts Endorsement from Ben-Gurion
Days after mistakenly telling supporters that the late Margaret Thatcher had recently express concern about Donald Trump’s presidency, former Vice President Joe Biden announced that he has received the endorsement of former Israeli prime minister David Ben-Gurion. “Just spoke with Prime Minister Ben-Gurion – he gave me a ringing endorsement and said he’s very worried about this Nixon fellow,” the 76-year-old Biden tweeted. “As your president, I will work hard for all Americans and will bring Hirohito to justice!” A Biden...
ISIS Leader Admits Five-Year Disappearance Was Only to Avoid Avengers Spoilers
A week after finally re-emerging five years after his previous appearance, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi acknowledged that his time in seclusion was due not to his fear of Hellfire missiles but to avoid spoilers from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had planned on remaining in the spotlight, but decided to live off the grid in 2015 after a fellow ISIS imam gave away the ending of Avengers: Age of Ultron during a Friday sermon....
Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’
In light of the very “shooty” Israeli response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, Hamas and Islamic Jihad are claiming that hundreds of rockets have been fired “by mistake” and that they are simply “really clumsy.” “This is all one big misunderstanding,” said one terrified Hamas member crouching in an underground tunnel as Israel shelled targets above. “We never meant to fire any rockets. I myself tripped up on a rocket while I was herding sheep. It was lying...
Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers
Lovers of good music have flocked to the BDS demand to boycott the Eurovision final planned for Tel Aviv this year. One critic confirmed, “We don’t have any particular view on the complexities of a two-state solution or the future of the Golan Heights. However, I think we can all get on board with the idea that the Eurovision contest is an affront to all lovers of good music and taste. In all that’s holy, does anyone really think that...