Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career
White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client. “You expect to get away from it all for just a couple thousand years and that when you get back, all your affairs will still be in...
Israeli Officials “Honestly Haven’t a Clue” Why Duterte Was Invited
Many Israeli government officials are at a complete loss as to why President of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte, was invited to Israel and who was responsible for the screw up. “We really haven’t got a clue why this has happened or how this even started”, one source commented. “Nobody here remembers inviting him so when Duterte thanked us for the invitation and said he’d love to come, we were all shocked. The guy is a fucking madman. We already had...
‘First Man’ Replaces Buzz Aldrin with Yasser Arafat in Moon Landing
In an effort to broaden its audience and tone down overly pro-American sentiment, an upcoming biopic of astronaut Neil Armstrong features former Palestine Liberation Organization president Yasser Arafat as Apollo 11’s lunar module pilot. While retired US Air Force Colonel Buzz Aldrin was in fact the pilot and second man to walk on the moon, the directors of “First Man” said that focusing the story of the moon landing on two Americans would undercut the global nature of the achievement....
ISIS Tweets Tribute Honoring John McCain
ISIS has tweeted a tribute to the late Republican Senator John McCain, commending him on his ability to bridge political divides and work with those with whom he disagreed. “John McCain and I were members of different generations, came from completely different backgrounds, and competed at the highest level of politics”, the acting head of ISIS said. “But we shared, for all our differences, a fidelity for something higher. Admittedly, that fidelity for something higher in our instance was jihad,...
Inspired by Trump, Saudi Arabia Enacts (Poor) Muslim Ban
Saudi Leaders, looking to repair the relationship that many saw as being damaged under Barack Obama, and also saying they felt obliged to follow in the footsteps of its American allies, enacted its own (poor) Muslim ban this week and said that it would not be able to absorb refugees fleeing war torn Iraq and Syria. “We’d really like to help out our (poor) Muslim brothers, who speak our language, know our culture and are coming from right next door,”...
Pro and Anti-Israel Groups Agree: You Need to Spend More Time Thinking about Israel
“Just think about all of the things Israel does, and you’ll know how to feel about the state!” Interestingly, this claim could have been made by either side of the “Israel is great v. Israel is terrible” debate. Pro-Israel activists and anti-Israel activists disagree on nearly every point, interpreting every fact as supporting their position over that of their rivals’. From Israel’s heroic or genocidal founding, to its open or oppressive society, and even to its inclusive or racist culture,...
Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages
A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical Islamists has rendered the hereafter utopia struggling to meet the demand of rising numbers of fanatical militants killed in the name of...
With Nation-State Bill, Israeli Lawmakers Seek to Topple Warsaw Ghetto as Largest ‘For Jews’ Territory in History
Amid a level of controversy normally reserved for deciding whether to raise or lower White House flags in honor of dead Senators, the Knesset passed a bill declaring Israel the nation-state of the Jewish people. Even with tensions running higher than a Birthright kid who just hiked up Masada while smoking a joint, The Mideast Beast has learned that all the hullabaloo may be misplaced. According to government sources, both fears about Israel losing its Jewish character and about forcefully...
President Obama Voted Best Neocon President
Former U.S. President Obama has been bestowed the prestigious “Iron Fist of Unconditionally Delivered Freedom” award by Bill Kristol who tearfully acknowledged the President’s commitment to the neoconservative philosophy. Wiping tears from his eyes, Kristol explained, “Everybody knows I first opposed President Obama, but over time, I saw his dedication to the neoconservative philosophy. His push for global free-market trade was inspiring, as was his devotion to toppling the recalcitrant Gaddafi in Libya, another, great Iraq-like success. And let’s not forget...
White House Flag Bearer Hospitalized with Severe Rope Burn
The White House official tasked with raising and lowering the US flag following the death of US Senator John McCain has been sent to the hospital with severe rope burn. The flag bearer’s injury came after President Trump repeatedly wavered on whether the flag should remain lowered after McCain’s death, causing the unfortunate official to have to repeatedly go onto the roof and adjust the banner. “When he arrived at the hospital, he had severe lacerations covering both palms,” one...
Venezuela’s Economy So Terrible, Citizens Emigrating to Gaza
As the economic situation in Venezuela continues to worsen and other Latin American countries start to impose stricter visa entry rules on citizens attempting to leave, many Venezuelans are turning to Gaza as a place of refuge. “So, while I’ve heard there are periodic rocket strikes and choking blockades imposed by Israel and Egypt, and that the territory is controlled by an authoritarian Islamist fundamentalist terror group, it still sounds like a bed of roses compared to what we’re going...
Op-Ed: If I Wasn’t an Anti-Semite Before, I Am Now
(Op-Ed by Jeremy Corbyn, Leader of the Labour Party.) Look. Some of my best friends are Jews. Or were, before all of this. Some of my best friends are also members of Hamas and Hezbollah, I have a lot of friends, ok? Since when is having lots of friends a crime? I have always stood up for the Jews and any victims of bigotry. In the Labour Party there is no place for it, not anti-Semitism, anti-terrorism, or any of the other...
Erdogan Blames Receding Hairline on the Jews
In the wake of the free-fall of the Turkish Lira which prompted the administration to blame Israel for the economic collapse, Erdogan himself has indulged in a conspiracy theory in which he has blamed the Jews for his receding hairline. “Many say that the biggest catastrophe facing our nation is the collapse of our currency, but that is a mistake. The real tragedy is that many of my citizens find the fact that I am becoming increasingly bald quite funny,...
Prince MBS is a Hot Mess, But Damn He Looks Good on Tinder
It’s hot in Saudi Arabia, but are there snowflakes this summer? The answer to that is of course not, and it won’t be snowing for a long time if ever, desipe the Fresh Prince of Riyadh and all his modern changes. On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast host Molly Livingstone speaks with Perry Cammack, a fellow in the Middle East Program at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, discussing the behind the scenes mess of human rights, potential wars, and...
Teachers in Gaza Report Missing Missiles for Unauthorised Absence
Teachers in the Gaza Strip’s UNWRA schools have noted that numerous rockets and missiles, usually located on school property, have gone missing, and have therefore acted by reporting them for unauthorised absences. Sources claim that many of these rockets’ absences can be put down to unauthorised trips outside of Gaza in which they made excursions into southern Israeli towns without permission from the relevant school authorities. It is understood that while Hamas is responsible for signing off such trips, Islamic...
Saudi Women Will Be Allowed to Drive to Execution
In yet another major step forward for female empowerment in The Kingdom, it has been confirmed that women will be allowed to drive to the upcoming execution of human rights activist Israa al-Ghomgham. A government spokesman confirmed, “The firsts just keep coming here in the newly liberalizing Saudi Arabia. Not only can the ladies drive their own cars and secure a prime viewing spot, afterwards they are welcome to join the men to watch the national football team get absolutely murdered...
Al Qaeda to Advise Trump on How to Jailbreak Comrades
With a growing number of US President Donald Trump’s campaign team likely headed to federal prison, the president had hired Qasim al-Raymi, the head of al Qaeda’s Yemen-based affiliate, to head the newly-created Department of Escaping Justice. The appointment comes the day after Trump’s former attorney, Michael Cohen, pled guilty to corruption charges while Paul Manafort was convicted of eight counts of fraud. But the president dismissed the convictions, noting that helping two people escape would be a piece of...
Terrorists Tired of Jeremy Corbyn Constantly Wanting to Hang Out
With every day bringing new revelations of UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn honoring violent jihadists, terrorists from a range of Islamist groups admitted that they are tired of hanging out with the British opposition leader. “At first it wasn’t so bad. He’d snap a picture, we’d talk about killing Jews, and then he’d be on his way,” one leader of a Gaza-based Islamist group told The Mideast Beast. “But he just kept wanting to hang out more and more. One...
Iran Prepares to Invade US After Trump Cancels Military Parade
The Islamic Republic of Iran is reportedly on the verge of launching a massive invasion of Washington DC after President Trump was forced to cancel a planned military parade in the city. Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei and his predecessor have been preparing for decades to invade the US and institute radical Islamist theocracy in the world’s largest economic and cultural power. Reports of a large American military prepared to fend off such an attack were dismissed, since this alleged...
Hamas Admits They Never Understood What “Ceasefire” Actually Means
In the wake of the recent Israel-Hamas negotiations, mediated by Egypt, Hamas has admitted that they never really understood the definition of ‘ceasefire’. “We always thought that it meant ‘say you’ll stop but carry on launching rockets as usual'”, one spokesman for the Gaza-based Islamist group admitted. “You see, we weren’t really paying attention in the first negotiation meeting years ago and we’ve been way to embarrassed ever since to ask anyone what a ceasefire is supposed to be, so...