Americans Nostalgic for the Times Trump was Just an Anti-Vaxxer
In recent weeks President Donald Trump has seriously escalated his war on science, data, the medical field, and logic. The president refused to wear a face mask, suggested that humans should inject disinfectants to combat Covid-19, and self-prescribed a Malaria medication unproven to cure coronavirus symptoms while testing negative for the disease, and he drank fish tank cleaner. These actions have Americans missing simpler times. “I wish he would just go back to being anti-vaxx, that was plenty cray cray,”...
Iran’s Supreme Leader: Some of My Best Friends Are Jews
Iran’s “Supreme Leader” Ali Khamenei, clearly frustrated, recently went on a prolonged Twitter rant, in which he, among other things, described Israel as “a cancerous tumor”. The rant came as a poster published on Khamenei’s website using the words “final solution” and calling for Israel’s destruction, drew criticism. “The Zionist regime understands no logic except force and it is the most evident example of state terrorism” Khamenei tweeted without the slightest hint of irony. “That is why we, the friendly...
Assad’s Cousin Shocked to Discover Security Forces Didn’t Learn from Mother Teresa
Rami Makhlouf, the first cousin of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and one of the richest and most powerful men in Syria, recently took to social media to complain about the Syrian security service’s “inhumane” treatment of him. Makhlouf – not a relation of the Chairman of the International Federation of Suicide Bombers, Makhlouf Abu-Jihad – has been financing Assad’s war effort, including the security forces. To his surprise, Makhlouf recently discovered that the security forces that he proudly sponsors when...
Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School
Fox commentator Tucker Carlson doubled down this week on his accusations of the Chinese government’s alleged role in releasing the coronavirus by accusing the Wuhan Institute of Virology, also known as ‘that Wuhan lab’, of bullying him in High School. According to the conservative political commentator, not only did scientists from Wuhan develop SARS-CoV-2, which causes the disease Covid-19, they also stole Carlson’s prom date during his junior year, an emasculating and brutal blow from which Carlson never fully recovered....
Afghanistan Commends Israel on Following Its Highly Democratic Example
Afghanistan, a country so entrenched in democratic practices that up until recently it had no less than two presidents, congratulated Israel’s newly sworn in government, led by Prime Minister Netanyahu and “alternate” Prime Minister Benny Gantz. (It is unclear what “alternate prime minister” means – Gantz is only supposed to take over in 18 months – other than more expenses for the Israeli taxpayer). “I congratulate Israel for following the A-Stan democratic model”, said President Abdullah Abdullah. “Having two leaders...
Melania Trump Arrested After Convincing Husband to Drink Fish Tank Cleaner
First Lady Melania Trump has been arrested on charges of attempted murder after police say she tried to convince her husband to drink fish tank cleaner containing hydroxychloroquine. President Donald Trump was hospitalized after ingesting a substantial amount of the tank cleaner, which included a trivial amount of hydroxychloroquine along with a host of deadly chemicals. Melania initially told police that the couple both tried drinking the chemical in hopes of fending off COVID-19. Hydroxychloroquine has been used to treat...
Tesla Chosen “Most Environmentally-Friendly Jihad Vehicle 2020”
Tesla, the US electric vehicle company has been chosen “most environmentally-friendly Jihad vehicle 2020” by ecologically-driven Jihadists worldwide. Tesla CEO Elon Musk spoke to The Mideast Beast from the company’s Palo Alto headquarters. “I’m really moved by the gesture and it proves I was right to reopen Tesla’s California plant. Whether you drive on the right or the left side of the road or simply prefer ramming your precious car into infidels on pavements and in market places, Tesla is...
Russian Doctors: Defenestration is a Symptom of Coronavirus
In what clearly had no correlation whatsoever with their criticism of the government, this month a slew of Russian doctors found themselves mysteriously ejected from windowsills. After a thorough and independent evaluation of the events, Russia’s top doctors established that defenestration is a shocking new symptom of the novel coronavirus. Similarly – to how frequent exposure to the virus can increase the likelihood of serious symptoms such as a high fever, a dry cough, and rank looking feet known as...
Abbas Offers Netanyahu Advice on How to Make One Elected Term Last Forever
The Mideast Beast spoke to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu shortly after his new government was sworn in, the 35th in Israel’s modern history, and asked him to confirm whether he intends to hand over power to his coalition partner in the unity government, Benny Gantz, in 18 months’ time, as agreed. “If I had to count all those who eulogized that the Netanyahu era is over… well, some of them are still alive”, chuckled Netanyahu in response. “But it’s funny...
Netanyahu: Record Number of Ministers Needed to Solve Record Unemployment
At a time when Israel faces the biggest unemployment crisis in its history, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is finally ready to present Israel’s new government, the largest in the country’s history, consisting of 36 ministers and 16 deputy ministers. Members of the Likud party were squabbling over portfolios until the last moment, offended that they had only been offered minor positions or no positions at all. The Mideast Beast spoke to Prime Minister Netanyahu about the new government. “My policy...
Ayatollah Khamenei’s Jewish Roots Exposed, Considers Wiping Himself off the Map
Ayatollah Khamenei’s Jewish roots were recently exposed and Iran’s supreme leader is now reportedly considering “wiping myself off the map.” The explosive news comes at a time when Iran’s regime is fighting an uphill battle to suppress the true number of Iranian COVID-19 fatalities. The devastated Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast after being boycotted by Rashida Tlaib, John Cusack, the New York Times and the Daily Stormer. “As a respectable Jihadist Dr. Jekyll, I’m shocked that the big-nosed icky...
‘We Had Half the Population Covering their Faces Pre-Covid,’ Brag Saudis
A new PR campaign celebrating the ingenuity and modernity of Saudi Arabia is bragging about its strict Islamic laws, which have required women to cover their faces for decades before Covid-19. “For so many years the West gave us shit for making women cover up, now all of these liberal U.S. governors are forcing even men to do the same,” Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS) told The Mideast Beast. “Thanks to Islam, we stay ahead of the curve,” he...
Vice President Mike Pence Reportedly Tested Positive for having the Spirit of the Lord
On Friday, it was confirmed that a top Pence aide had tested positive for having the spirit of the lord, Jesus Christ, inside her. While the Vice President claims to have had very little close contact with her – because she’s a female – those close to the VP have allegedly claimed that he has also tested positive for the lord’s spirit. President Trump has so far tested negative and issued an official statement on the matter earlier today. “I...
Mideast Expert Greta Thunberg to Host CNN Special on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
Looking to end the longstanding Israeli-Palestinian conflict once and for all, CNN will give climate change activist and Middle East expert Greta Thunberg an hour of airtime to lay out her peace plan. The network announced that the Special, which will air next week during prime time, will follow her appearance on an expert panel discussing COVID-19. Although she has never formally studied or worked in Israel or the Middle East, network executives are confident that she will have little...
Saudi Men Tired of Being Treated Like Saudi Women
The coronavirus pandemic has forced much of the world to re-think their social interactions; this has proven more difficult for some countries, especially the ones that haven’t changed the way their societies conduct themselves for several hundred years. In the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, men are complaining that since government restrictions were put in place, they have felt trapped and unable to conduct themselves freely in public. Men in the Kingdom have said that they are upset, and that their...
Evangelicals confirm Elon Musk’s Son is not the Second Coming
In a rare unified statement from global Evangelical faith leaders, they announced to followers and heathens alike that Elon Musk’s son is absolutely not the Second Coming of Christ. Despite principally believing that anybody anywhere could carry The Good News, bringing mankind redemption before God, they decided at a faith meeting last week to amend these core tenants to exclude the Son of Musk. “He’s just not it” said one pastor. “I mean, look, how are we supposed to follow...
Hamas and Fatah Mediate Peace between Trump and Obama
A joint Hamas-Fatah delegation is heading to the US to mediate peace between President Donald Trump and former President Barack Obama. The Hamas-Fatah peace initiative comes at a time of tense social distancing between Trump and Obama on controversial issues such as the handling of Covid-19, swine flu, and “Obamagate”. Senior Fatah peace negotiator Saeb Erekat spoke to The Mideast Beast before heading to DC on his modest $403 million private jet, a “symbolic” European Union-funded gift to “alleviate the...
Assad: Defenestration of Russian Doctors “Brings Back Nostalgic Memories”
At least three doctors have mysteriously fallen out of hospital windows in Russia recently with two of them dying from their injuries. The doctors had been critical of Russia’s handling of the coronavirus and had spoken out about Russia’s lack of preparedness and PPE shortages. One of the doctors had reportedly been forced to work by the hospital, despite being diagnosed with Covid-19. The Mideast Beast asked Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who has just a bit of experience in the...
Evangelicals Disappointed in Low Covid-19 Casualty rate in the Holy Land
After initial excitement that the Covid-19 pandemic might be signaling the end of times, Evangelical Christians across America’s suburbs and non-coastal nothing-lands are disappointed. Less than 300 people have died of the virus in Israel and the Palestinian Territories. “I reread the Book of Revelation, and it just all of the sudden made sense to me,” said Gerald Flurry, a prominent evangelical writer. “A Chinese person eats a bat and then the seven years of revelations begin,” he said. Like...
Trump: “I Will Recreate the World in Six Days and Play Restful Golf on the Seventh”
In his characteristic modesty, President Trump confidently declared that he will “recreate the best pre-COVID world in six days and play restful golf on the seventh.” President Trump agreed to an interview with The Mideast Beast after being reassured that it is a real news satirical outlet. “The Book of Genesis says that God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh. To be honest, I suspect that God rested for six days because he allowed the...