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Gay Vandals Give Al-Aqsa Mosque ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve
JERUSALEM – Not long after painting Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In a daring New Year’s Eve mission, activists from the Arab LGBT group snuck onto Jerusalem’s Temple Mount and scaled the Al-Aqsa Mosque to execute their so-called...
God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2021st Time
After another year of war between Middle East countries and factions, and a global pandemic, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2020 didn’t go as planned. But new year, new me! In 2021 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars. No promises on Covid. ur fault 4 not wearing a mask....
Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen
In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...
US to Sell UAE Massive Twisted Tea Shipment in Weapons Deal
In an arms deal that could change the balance of power in the region, the United Arab Emirates has agreed to buy 100 million Twisted Tea cans from the US. The UAE, which was previously looking to purchase 50 advanced stealth F-35 jets, decided to instead invest its defense budget in the alcoholic beverage after seeing a video in which...
Trevor Lawrence Joins ISIS to Avoid Playing for Jacksonville
With the Jacksonville Jaguars clinching the top pick in next year’s NFL draft, Clemson quarterback and top prospect Trevor Lawrence announced that he will move to Syria and join the Islamic State to avoid playing for the Jaguars. Lawrence, widely considered the best quarterback prospect in a generation, acknowledged that he was not looking forward to living in the Syrian...
Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”
While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...
Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread
A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus. The...
Iran Releases ‘A Christmas Story’ Remake in Which Little Ali Asks Santa for a Nuke
Looking to tap into Americans’ nostalgia for Christmas movies, the Islamic Republic of Iran has released a modern remake of the holiday classic ‘A Christmas Story.’ But instead of nine-year-old Ralphie Parker, the main character of the remake is 81-year-old Persian boy Ali Khamenei. And rather than asking Santa for a BB gun, Little Ali just wants a military nuclear...
Trump Demands to see Jesus’ Birth Certificate
As Christians around the world celebrated the miraculous birth of the Messiah, one brave outlier remained skeptical of his origin story. Although Trump insists that the Bible is his favorite book, he refused to cow to Big Church’s insistence tweeting, “No, Jesus wasn’t born in a stable in Jewdea (sic), I demand to see his birth certificate”. “Everybody’s thinking about...
Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children
Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus told The Mideast Beast. “The...
Putin deploys S-300 Santa Claus Tracking System to Syria
According to the Russian Interfax news service, just in time for the holidays, Russia is planning to deploy an additional S-300 ‘Santa Tracking’ surface to air missile system to Syria. The weapon will be capable of tracking Santa Claus across Syrian airspace. The Russian Ministry of Defense (MoD) insists that the system is nothing for the US or its allies...
Trump Pardons Pontius Pilate
In the latest in a wave of 11th-hour pardons, President Donald Trump has granted clemency to former Roman governor Pontius Pilate, clearing him of all charges in the death of Jesus Christ in 33 AD. In a memo, Trump said that Pilate had been treated “very unfairly by those crooked Samaritans” and that pardoning him will right a longstanding injustice....
ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’
Santa Claus is being held by ISIS fighters in Syria, as the Islamic State is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s North Pole correspondent. “Every...
Jill Biden Launches ‘Doctorates without Borders’
Looking to bring rigorous scholarship and impressive credentials to the most remote and poverty-stricken corners of the globe, incoming First Lady Dr. Jill Biden announced she will launch a new non-governmental organization called ‘Doctorates without Borders.’ Biden will lead holders of PhDs and other post-graduate degrees to war zones and third-world countries to deliver life-saving lectures on their subjects of...
God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount
With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching yet again another boiling point over the past year – as if 2020 hasn’t been enough of a fail of a year – God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood”...
Iran Announces Soleimani Prize for Revolutionary Leaders Who Don’t Die in a Drone Strike
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani announced this week the formation of a committee to award the ״Major General Soleimani Prize״. The prize is in memory of the infamous general who died last year from complications related to a hellfire missile and will be awarded for excellence in the category of “Struggle and Resistance”. The award will be the centerpiece of an...
To Bolster Confidence, Assad Gives COVID Vaccine to Sunni Kids on Live Television
Looking to emulate US Vice President Mike Pence and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad agreed to go on live television and give the COVID-19 vaccine to Sunni children captured from rebel-held villages. “A lot of Syrians are afraid that the vaccine is not safe, or that it is a government plot to poison our citizens or...
Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies
Following the US Electoral College’s confirmation that Joe Biden won the 2020 Presidential Election, Trump has publicly conceded that he has lost round one. However, he immediately announced his campaign plans to take a short break before gearing up for round two of the best-of-three election series. “Biden might have just barely won the ‘first election’ because of the crooked...
ISIS Announces 2021 Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance
ISIS has announced that, as part of its upcoming 2021 rebranding program, it will no longer be known as ‘Islamic State’ but would rather be known as ‘Islamic Safe Space in Iraq and Syria’. The move is seen as an attempt to appeal more towards the younger generation and socially conscious millennials who have made just about everything you can...
San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’
San Francisco will remove the name of Jesus Christ from all churches and public buildings after a renaming committee found that the Messiah “did now show sufficient commitment to raising the dead, healing the blind or cleansing lepers.” Jeremiah Jeffries, the chairman of the renaming committee, also criticized Christ for only allowing a handful of paralytics to walk, as well...