Dog in Baghdadi Raid Defects to ISIS After Promise of Unlimited Belly Rubs
In what is being called the greatest American betrayal since Benedict Arnold, the Belgian Malinois who helped track down Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, has defected to ISIS after the terror group promised her unlimited belly rubs. The dog, named Conan, had become a hero in the US for her role in the killing of Baghdadi, even being mentioned as a candidate of the Medal of Honor. But all it took for ISIS to flip her was a 23-second...
Sanders Proposes Sending Israel’s Military Aid to Mel Gibson
Accusing the Jewish state of committing “atrocities” against the Oscar-winner’s acting career, US Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders proposed ending military aid to Israel and instead giving the funds to Mel Gibson. “It is not anti-Semitic to acknowledge that the Jewish people have completely destroyed this man’s career just for speaking the truth,” Sanders said during a conference hosted by J Street. “Why are we sending $3.8 billion to Israel instead of helping poor Mel rebuild his life?” Sanders...
Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when Netanyahu...
‘Guess That’s It for Us,’ Islamic Terrorists Say
Radical Islamic terrorists from across the Middle East are calling it quits following the death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, with all agreeing that the time has come to abandon jihad and accept Western values. “Listen, we had a really good run blowing stuff up and beheading Americans while we recreated the world of Muhammad and the rightly guided caliphs,” one former ISIS fighter said as he sipped on a can of Coca-Cola. “But let’s face it. Our Caliph...
Delta Force Dog Confirmed as Next Middle East Envoy
Special forces Belgian Malinois, ‘Classified’ has been named by President Trump as his new envoy to the Middle East. The very good puppy was selected for the position following his key role in the death of ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi earlier this week. A spokesman for the President commented, “Loyal without question, willing to do anything for a belly rub, and at his happiest curled at the end of the President’s bed. These are just some of the qualities...
ISIS to Trump: Stop Sending Mixed Signals
With the terror group’s leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, reportedly dead in a US raid, members of the Islamic State are begging US President Donald Trump to stop sending mixed signals. “First, you finally ditch those Kurds that have been killing us for years and let thousands of our prisoners break free,” one ISIS executive told The Mideast Beast. “Then just when we think you are really committed to working things out, you go and kill our best terrorist! It’s enough...
Kurds to Carry Out Mass Suicide as Revenge on Trump’s Syria Withdrawal
Billing it as the biggest “fuck you” of the century, Kurdish president Nechirvan Barzani announced that all Kurds will take part in a mass suicide parade to be held outside some U.S. Morning Show over the weekend. “In response to Trump abandoning us, all Kurds are advised to kill themselves and their children publicly this Saturday, just to double check that President Trump really doesn’t give a shit,” Barzani posted on Facebook. “We’re pretty sure that Trump left us to...
Ethnic Cleansings ‘Good and Easy to Win,’ Trump Says
With his decision to pull troops out of Syria already forcing 250,000 Kurds to flee their homes, US President Donald Trump is now calling himself a “genocide man” and bragging that “ethnic cleansings are good, and easy to win!” “This ethnic cleansing is going to be tremendous for the Kurds, great for America, and really just great for civilization,” Trump told reporters as he boarded Air Force One. “Anyone who says that the Kurds don’t want to be slaughtered or...
Revived ‘Islamic State’ Takes Note of Antifa’s Methods
NORTHERN SYRIA – As President Trump brings the crayons to the fountain pen world of strategic thinking, the once-beaten Islamic State now roams freely over Northern Syria, deliberating over whose head is going to roll next. According to John, an IS jihadi pondering the current state of affairs, “It’s been so long since I’ve done some ‘slicing and dicing’ of innocent Yazidis or like that one guy who looked at me funny. But I understand that we went wrong somewhere...
Pence and Pompeo Book Airbnb in Tel Aviv
Sources have confirmed that the US Vice President and Secretary of State have booked an extended stay in a two-bedroom property close to the beach in Tel Aviv. A spokesman for Vice President Pence commented, “This is a long planned and well-deserved vacation for the guys. They’ve been promising each other they would carve out some quality time since the spring, and this has worked out perfectly. Although this is supposed to be a holiday, they made sure to click...
Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei Impeached for Attempted Nuclear Program
Calling it a “huge surprise” and a “shocking news,” an Iranian government spokesman announced on Wednesday the impeachment of the Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei. The news comes following the discovery that Khamenei had been planning to use the nation’s uranium enrichment plants to develop weapons of mass destruction. Khamenei has a long history of denying such intentions, however, the possibility of him lying has never been thought of as a serious threat by the international community. It’s not surprising,...
LeBron Urges Hongkongers to Cool It Until After NBA Season
Calling them “misinformed” and blasting them for causing what he called a “really difficult week,” Lakers superstar LeBron James has called on protestors in Hong Kong to just relax until after the NBA season ends. “My team and I had like a 20-hour flight to China, and I really think these protestors didn’t stop and think about how their actions would affect our trip here,” James tweeted. “I’m not addressing the substance of their protests, but couldn’t they have waited...
ISIS Names Trump Honorary Caliph
The Islamic State has made US President Donald Trump the first non-Muslim to earn the title of “Honorary Caliph,” celebrating the American leader for helping to free more than 1,000 ISIS fighters. The distinction came after Trump announced that he would withdraw all forces from northern Syria, abandoning his Kurdish forces which long stood as the greatest threat to ISIS. Within days, thousands of Islamic State fighters had been freed from prison, paving the way for the terror group to...
Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms
In a dramatic reversal, leading Democrats are now supporting President Donald Trump’s sudden withdrawal from Syria’s Kurdish regions after it was revealed that the Kurdish government does not require businesses to operate gender-neutral bathrooms. Trump’s decision to pull troops and allow Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to invade the region had prompted bipartisan outrage, particularly after reports emerged of heavy civilian casualties. But that began to change after video of the Turkish onslaught showed a Kurdish business with restrooms clearly...
Jared Concerned iPhone Not Working
With the Middle East once again in turmoil, Jared Kushner, who has high hopes of becoming a ‘real boy’ one day soon, believes his iPhone may have malfunctioned. A spokesman for the wooden puppe….. senior advisor to the President commented, “Jared is certain he hasn’t dropped his phone down a toilet recently, so he thinks this might be to do with a new software update he hasn’t installed. We’ve urged him to get down to an Apple Store but he...
Trump Blasts Kurds for Not Saving Jesus
Facing increasing criticism over his decision to abandon his Kurdish allies despite their key role in the fight against ISIS, US President Donald Trump now claims his decision stems from the Kurds’ refusal to intervene in the execution of Jesus nearly 2,000 years. Trump first claimed that the Kurds had not fought alongside Americans during the invasion of Normandy, justifying his recent betrayal. But when it was pointed out that Kurds were thousands of miles away from the European theater...
‘No One Fucks Over Kurds Like Me,’ Trump Brags
Declaring that he was “absolutely tremendous” at betraying his country’s most loyal allies, US President Donald Trump declared in a press conference that he was the most prolific leader in US history at fucking over the Kurds. “Frankly, a lot of presidents were really pathetic when it came to convincing the Kurds to risk their lives on our behalves, and then leaving them to be slaughtered as soon as we didn’t need them anymore,” Trump told reporters. “A lot of...
The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday
When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the four F’s.” Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family. What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of murmuring, unshowered Jews. Oh, also, you’re hungry as hell. Because you can’t eat. For 25 hours. What we’ve just described is the...
NBA Defends Assad After Syrian Leader Threatens to Cancel NBA League Pass
The NBA has demanded an apology from Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey after his tweet criticizing Syria’s Bashar al-Assad nearly caused the strongman to cancel his cable subscription. The controversy arose after Morey tweeted, “Wishing for peace in Syria, and an end to the senseless killing.” Assad responded angrily, writing in a strongly worded letter to NBA Commissioner Adam Silver that he was “seriously considering cancelled my subscription to the NBA League Pass and leaving a negative review on...
Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel
Following backlash, singer Demi Lovato has profusely apologized for her recent concert in and praise of Israel, insisting she had no idea that the people who treated her so well on the trip were in fact Jews. Lovato spent her time in the country, which she billed as a spiritual journey, visiting the Western Wall and Israel’s Holocaust memorial, Yad Vashem, after being baptized in the Jordan River. But soon after she returned, Twitter user @FreePalestine42069 called her out for...