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CDC Warns Sense of Self-Awareness Short-Lived During Pandemic
In spite of many optimists’ predictions that we will all come out of the pandemic permanently wiser and more cognizant of our actions, scientists working with the World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control warn that such an immunity may be short-lived. In some cases, they said, the sense of self-awareness lasted only minutes. Take one Rhonda Collingsford...
Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols
As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it...
China Agrees to Reduce Carbon Emissions as Long as They Can Keep Uyghur Camps
In what the Biden administration and many on the Left are touting as a victory, the Chinese government has agreed to reduce CO2 emissions by 40% by the year 2030. All they asked in return was that they be permitted to continue their ongoing genocide against the Uyghur population in the “autonomous” province of Xinjiang, Western media outlets, such as...
‘We’ll Probably Get Sick of Islamic Extremism in Five Months,’ Taliban Admit
With President Joe Biden promising to withdraw all American troops from Afghanistan in September, Taliban officials say they plan to lay down their arms and accept Western democracy instead of waiting an additional five months to retake the country. “If America left today, we would happily overrun the Afghan government and institute stringent Sharia Law,” Taliban leader Mawlawi Hibatullah Akhundzada...
Al Qaeda Learns ‘Words are Violence,’ Launches Attack of Insensitive Remarks
The terror group al Qaeda has announced a major shift in its strategy after discovering that racially insensitive comments and microaggressions now count as violence. Recently, the group released a video that Slate has called its most violent attack since 9/11, as leader Ayman al-Zawahiri read out a series of subtly offensive statements. “We at al Qaeda would like to...
Islamic State to End Attacks on U.S., Saying, “With Their Gun Violence, They’ve Got It Covered”
With 45 mass shootings in the U.S. in the last month alone, the remaining members of the Islamic State (IS) terrorist group have announced that it will cease all further attacks against the superpower. “It’s glorious – they are doing our job for us!” said IS spokesman Mahmud bin Ahmadi in a video posted online. “We were all set to...
‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining
An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Monday evening on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating...
‘We Had Half the Population Covering their Faces Pre-Covid,’ Brag Saudis
A new PR campaign celebrating the ingenuity and modernity of Saudi Arabia is bragging about its strict Islamic laws, which have required women to cover their faces for decades before Covid-19. “For so many years the West gave us shit for making women cover up, now all of these liberal U.S. governors are forcing even men to do the same,”...
Biden Promises to Leave Afghanistan by September 11, 3001
Upholding a campaign promise to end a war that has already lasted nearly two decades, President Joe Biden announced that he will pull all US troops from Afghanistan by September 11, 3001. Biden said he chose the date because it will mark the millennial anniversary of al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. “There are some people...
Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World
Despite the ongoing pandemic, Gay Pride marches are set to take place around the globe in just over a month and a half. However, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast...
Elon Musk Reveals Plan to Move Middle East to Mars
Following the successful launch and landing of his SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket last month, Elon Musk has declared that his next ambition is to move “the entire Middle East to the planet Mars.” The billionaire entrepreneur commented: “It’s kind of silly and fun, but the entire Middle East is silly anyway, so what does it matter?” In addition to sparing...
Biden Orders Invasion of Republic of Georgia over New Voting Laws
Promising to “bring democracy” to the Eastern European nation, President Joe Biden has launched an all-out invasion of the former Soviet Republic of Georgia. The invasion was initiated in response to a series of voting reforms enacted by the US state of Georgia, though sources close to the president said it was unclear whether he understood that the two entities...
Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home
Following in the footsteps of boutique gyms like Barry’s Bootcamp and SoulCycle who are charging upwards of $30 for daily at-home workouts, Hamas has created its own series of Zoom classes for followers who want to exercise hate from the comfort of their living rooms. Although nothing can truly compare to the in-person experience of building fire-and-forget rockets with your...
Heaven Decreases Virgins Per Muslim from 72 to 4 Amid Fears that Large Gatherings Further the Spread of Covid-19
A new report from heaven indicates that the inter-religious council of Gods will be announcing today a decrease in virgins per Muslim from 72 to 4. The move was adopted out of fears that large gatherings will lead to another wave of Covid-19. The move comes after the council rejected plans by the Abrahamic Gods to save the population by...
It’s Finally Safe to Eat Bats Again, WHO Says
With the coronavirus vaccines being administered worldwide, as well as the “it came from a China lab” conspiracy already being debunked, the World Health Organization (WHO) now says it is safe for the public to once again eat bats in moderation. “The past year and a half was a difficult time for citizens across the globe, as the coronavirus pandemic...
Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure
President Joe Biden has begun building bipartisan support for his infrastructure plan after the administration clarified to Republicans that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” is included in his expansive definition of infrastructure. Republicans initially vowed to oppose the more than $2 trillion proposal, arguing that it included mostly non-infrastructure spending. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s reinforced this perception when she...
Erdogan Puts Final Nail in Turkish Democracy with ‘Georgia Voting Laws’
In a move that experts say will end Turkish democracy once and for all, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has copied controversial voting laws from the US state of Georgia and enacted them across his Republic. Voters in Turkish elections will now need to show a photo ID in order to cast a ballot and will have a mere 17-day...
UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus
With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...
Following Georgia ‘Voting Reform Law’, MLB to Hold All-Star Game in China’s Xinjiang Province
Major League Baseball finally has a new site for its 2021 All-Star Game after the event was pulled from Georgia over its recently passed voting reform. The game will now be held in the Xinjiang Province of China, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred announced. Manfred said he made the decision after speaking to Bob Chapek, whose company pulled out of Georgia...
In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners
In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and men alone,” Crown Prince Mohammed...