Following Egypt Mosque Attack, Internet Flooded with Outpouring of Support, Personal Reflections

Following Egypt Mosque Attack, Internet Flooded with Outpouring of Support, Personal Reflections

In the wake of an attack on a mosque in Egypt’s Sinai Peninsula by ISIS militants which killed 305 people, the internet community has expressed absolute shock and horror, and individuals around the world have begun to reflect on the fragility of their own lives and those of their friends and family. According to data provided by Twitter, over 30 million people have shared the trending hashtag #StandWithEgypt, and in figures provided by Facebook, no fewer than three million users...

No # For Egypt – New TMB Podcast

No # For Egypt – New TMB Podcast

If there’s no hashtag, then did it really happen? Hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss the recent terrorist attack in Egypt that killed over 300 worshipers, asking what the attack means for the region and what it means if no one is tweeting about it. Does the world care more about a royal wedding, or are Alex and Molly just being pessimists? Listen and share your thoughts, or at least a hashtag. The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available...

Palestinian President Abbas finds himself in Machu Picchu

Palestinian President Abbas finds himself in Machu Picchu

The President of the Palestinian Authority, Mahmoud Abbas, is giving himself a “well-deserved break” according to officials and is hiking in the Peruvian mountains around the famous tourist attraction and Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. “I just needed to find myself, man”, Mahmoud Abbas said in a statement. “Like, so much war and bloodshed at home. Why? Like, we’re all human. What even is Palestine? What even is Israel? And who am I? All I know is that my spirit animal...

Global Disappointment as Trump Appears Capable of Writing 280 Character Tweets

Global Disappointment as Trump Appears Capable of Writing 280 Character Tweets

Despite criticism of Twitter’s decision to double their character limit, there was also widespread hope that 280 characters would be too much for President Trump. Despite declaring himself as having “the best words”, Trump is noted for having a short attention span and being particularly inarticulate, leading many to believe that 280 whole characters might be a stretch too far for the leader of the free world. However, there has been a near-universal disappointment and some surprise at Trump’s ability...

ISIS to Suspend UK Attacks to Honor Prince Harry’s Engagement

ISIS to Suspend UK Attacks to Honor Prince Harry’s Engagement

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has revealed that his organization will suspend all planned attacks on the UK to honor Prince Harry’s engagement to his new fiancée , American actress Meghan Markle. “Monarchy is so irrational, but I can’t help but buy into it. The castles, the crowns, the princesses. I just love it. When it comes to the British royal family, we’re fan-boys,” al-Baghdadi giggled. “Maybe it’s because it reminds us of absolutism,” he pondered. “I sent them a...

Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour

Hamas Blames Israel for Massive Rain Pour

GAZA CITY — The Gaza Strip has been hit again! This time, by an unexpected massive downpour of rain yesterday, allegedly brought upon by Israel to ‘screw with the Palestinian People,’ claims a Hamas official. In light of the situation, world leaders are scheduled to meet in Cairo in the coming days to mediate the cease-water negotiations, scheduled to take place next week. Israeli weather forecasters are still playing dumb, erroneously blaming ‘the atmosphere’ and ‘clouds’ for the ‘slight rainfall’...

ISIS Abandons Qur’an For Being Too Peaceful, Adopts Gospel According To Wile E. Coyote

ISIS Abandons Qur’an For Being Too Peaceful, Adopts Gospel According To Wile E. Coyote

After constant accusations of not truly representing Islam, the Islamic State has decided that the Qur’an will no longer be the guiding force to their movement. The militant radicals will instead follow the far more violent scripture of mid 20th century American cartoons. Following visits from Acme missionaries to the Middle East, the Islamic State learned about the prophet Wile E. Coyote and his many sacrifices for the sake of violence. ISIS had been looking for a replacement for Islam...

Iran’s Ayatollah ‘Deeply Honored’ After Saudi Crown Prince Calls Him ‘Hitler’

Iran’s Ayatollah ‘Deeply Honored’ After Saudi Crown Prince Calls Him ‘Hitler’

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei said he is reconsidering his longstanding hostility towards Saudi Arabia after the Saudi crown prince paid him what he called “the ultimate compliment.” “I am honored and humbled that Mohammed bin Salman has said that I am the new Hitler,” Iran’s Supreme Leader told The Mideast Beast. “This act of friendship by the crown prince has led me to reconsider my distrust of the Saudis and of all Sunni Muslims.” The prince’s comments come amid...

Whip It Out, Part II: That’s Not What She Said

Whip It Out, Part II: That’s Not What She Said

On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles continue the discussion of sexual assault and rape, unfortunately, as more men are accused of doing just that. And while the Middle East is normally used to war, how is the explosion of #MeToo, unwanted advances, and general deviant behavior affecting the male population? It’s not Iran’s nuclear threat, yet from generals to TV exec prowlers, are any of us safe? Take Cover and Keep Listening. The Mideast...

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...

Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors

Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors

It has transpired that Hamas’ terror tunnel network project’s numerous setbacks and delays can be explained by the Islamist group using the same contractors who worked on the so-called ‘Big Dig’ project in Boston in the 1990s and 2000s. The planning and development officials who had managed the controversial American highway development had been hired by Hamas in what has been termed by one Gazan official as “the biggest fuck up we’ve ever made, and we’ve made some pretty big...

Mummy Unearthed Grasping BlackBerry Smartphone

Mummy Unearthed Grasping BlackBerry Smartphone

The recently discovered cavity in the Egyptian pyramids contained an ancient relic, archaeologists have revealed. Dr. Jackie Jackson, who led the research organized by BATY, the British Archaeological Team Youth, told The Mideast Beast: We found this mysterious item called a ‘Blackberry’. Apparently, they were very popular in the past, but it must’ve been well before my time.” “The Mummy was holding up the item to its ear, but we were confused by the absence of a touchscreen. After extensive...

Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other

Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other

Yearning for companionship, and running out of people in their immediate areas, recent reports have indicated that Saudi Arabia and Israel have changed the settings on their Tinder profiles to increase the search distance, and surprisingly, right swiped each other. According to sources close with both countries, the two have been talking nightly, and have even discussed making it “an official thing.” Apparently, the two bonded over their shared frustrations over Iran, a former friend of both Israel and  Saudi...

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started importing all the giant balloons of famous jihadists and radical preachers into the city so we had to leave them...

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

THE DESERT SOMEWHERE – Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our asses kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and...

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve looked to consolidate our position in the face of stiffened resistance from the US and its local lackeys.” “It was...

Jonjo Ambers Visits: Abu Dhabi’s Louvre

Jonjo Ambers Visits: Abu Dhabi’s Louvre

The moonlight sparkled across the Persian Gulf as the raucous crowd moved towards the Middle East’s new artistic centerpiece. Sheikh Khalifa, who commissioned and oversaw the $1 billion project, greeted me with open arms: “We are very proud to put ourselves on the cultural map. We couldn’t think of a name on our own so we just thought, ‘fuck it, let’s just copy the Parisians!’” As we made our way through the gallery, I was struck by the variety of...

Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages

Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages

A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical Islamists has rendered the hereafter utopia struggling to meet the demand of rising numbers of fanatical militants killed in the name of...

“Whip It Out – Hollywood Rules and Sharia Law.” New TMB Podcast!

“Whip It Out – Hollywood Rules and Sharia Law.” New TMB Podcast!

Can we justify sexual misconduct and rape? In Hollywood, if you ask to whip it out, does it make it OK? And in the Middle East, does Sharia law give men the power to rape? They may be worlds apart (or at least different countries), but how similar are we when it comes to the treatment of women and harassment? On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss the rules, the rapes,...

Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball

Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball

Zimbabwe’s long-time president, Robert Mugabe, has had his invitation to the exclusive Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball withdrawn, accompanied by an apology from the organizers for what they termed an “administrative error”. “It is with regret that we must withdraw Mr. Mugabe’s invitation to this year’s event”, said a spokesperson. “We mistakenly sent an invite to Mr. Mugabe without properly assessing his eligibility. On closer inspection, we found that his status as ‘overthrown dictator’ is not yet finalized and...