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Looking to Solidify Superpower Status, China Set to Occupy Afghanistan
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Looking to Solidify Superpower Status, China Set to Occupy Afghanistan

Declaring it a sacred tradition his country is proud to inherit, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced Friday his military is preparing for an invasion and a minimum decade-long occupation of Afghanistan. The announcement came after President Biden announced a full troop withdrawal and an end to the U.S.’s “forever war” in the country last month. “As a rising superpower, we...

Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App
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Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App

Seeking to prove once and for all that there’s room in the region for more than one high-tech powerhouse, the Palestinian Authority today unveiled the “RiotFind” app now available in all app stores. President Abbas explained, “no longer will hooligans have to wander aimlessly carrying heavy rocks and burning tires, hoping to find like-minded gentlemen, inclined to smack a Zionist...

Iran Denies Calling Off Nuclear Talks amid Obama Birthday Party Snub
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Iran Denies Calling Off Nuclear Talks amid Obama Birthday Party Snub

TEHRAN — Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei vigorously denied pulling out of Nuclear Talks with the US after being disinvited to former President Barack Obama’s 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard. “That had nothing to do with it,” fumed the fiery spiritual leader, still wearing his ‘Shi’ite Chic’ chocolate chiffon robe and a turban festooned with images of a smiling...

Entitled Settlers Tired of World Whining Over Settlers
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Entitled Settlers Tired of World Whining Over Settlers

Fed up with Israeli hand-wringing and the world pissing and moaning about a bunch of Jews living in remote and isolated desert areas of the Holy Land, residents and community leaders of a Judean Hills enclave held an emergency meeting to discuss marketing strategies going forward. Rebecca Steinbaum, an outspoken resident, gave The Mideast Beast an earful. “We aren’t Jewish...

Hezbollah Leader Undergoes Reduction Surgery for Man Tits
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Hezbollah Leader Undergoes Reduction Surgery for Man Tits

BEIRUT – Rocket fire into Israel wasn’t the only news coming out of Lebanon this weekend. Hassan Nasrallah, the leader of Lebanon’s Shiite militant group Hezbollah, is reportedly recovering from radical breast reduction surgery in a secret bunker in the country’s Beqaa Valley. The reduction mammoplasty was performed by Swiss cosmetic surgeons clandestinely flown in to conduct the operation, according to...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque
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Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much...

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israelis and Palestinians’
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World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israelis and Palestinians’

Citizens around the world, especially Israelis and Palestinians, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around their little conflict. International developments for which Israelis and Palestinians have no involvement include: Accelerating the spread of the Delta and Delta Plus Coronavirus variants throughout the world. This apparently was...

Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty
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Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty

RIYADH — While it’s true that foreign unmarried couples are permitted to stay in hotel rooms together in Saudi Arabia, another wildly progressive step for the Kingdom, two years have passed and the ‘move towards modernity’ has yet to be met with the anticipated level of excitement from the international business community. One Western CEO commented, “OK great, now I...

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”
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BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is dedicated to convincing people, governments,...

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics
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Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan – we watched ‘Borat’ about...

All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure
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All Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden’s bipartisan infrastructure bill has successfully passed a major obstacle as a result of a sudden and unexpected move: every single last Republican has thrown its support behind the infra package. The Mideast Beast has learned that it was the specific clarification that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” will be included in Biden’s expansive definition of infrastructure...

Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats
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Trump Concedes Defeat, Delivers Giant Wooden Horse to Congressional Democrats

PHOENIX, ARIZONA — Donald Trump has issued a statement acknowledging Joe Biden as the legitimate winner of the 2020 presidential election, with the former president delivering a giant wooden horse (painted in gold color of course) to the US Capitol as a peace offering for good measure. The move came as a surprise to Biden and Congressional leaders, who arrived...

European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling
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European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling

As numerous cities head back into lockdown due to the coronavirus Delta variant, jihadists still continue to find themselves out of human targets, and therefore out of jobs. The European Union released a statement about the financial distress that Covid19 is causing terrorist organizations. “The European Union is concerned by the shutting down of entire cities, and indeed countries, causing militant...

Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant
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Netanyahu Urges Strike on Ben & Jerry’s Dairy Enrichment Plant

Calling the ice cream manufacturer an “existential threat” to the Jewish state – a phrase rarely ever used in Israeli political discourse – Israeli opposition leader and former prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called for air strikes against the Ben & Jerry’s dairy enrichment plant in Waterbury, Vermont. Netanyahu urged the US, which has more advanced technology and more powerful...