Iran Escalates with Threat to Strike Golf Courses
Iran has pushed the world closer to war with a new threat to target golf courses globally. A statement from the Supreme Leader’s office read, “You want to target our mosques and cultural sites? Well then, we will take what you hold most dear. The chance to hit a sweet birdie off the back nine. Unlike some people we’ve actually read the Hague Convention, and it definitely doesn’t mention lush greens and challenging water obstacles anywhere.” A Pentagon spokesman commented,...
Iran Accepts Rose McGowan as Refugee
Calling it a sign of mercy towards the American people, the Iranian government has accepted Rose McGowan’s asylum claim following the actress’ tweet begging the ayatollahs’ forgiveness following recent US airstrikes. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the country’s Supreme Leader, launched a daring mission to rescue McGowan after she tweeted, “We are being held hostage by a terrorist regime. We do not know how to escape. Please do not kill us.” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast that Iranian fighter planes were already...
Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles
President Donald Trump said he has added domestic Iranian cultural sites, including Los Angeles’s “Little Persia,” to its list of potential targets in the event of an Iranian attack. “This is a WARNING! If Iran strikes America, we will bomb anything Iranian that we can find!” Trump tweeted Sunday morning. “We will start by wiping out Persian Square in LA, and if that doesn’t stop the ayatollahs we will begin rounding up Persian cats!” Little Persia, also known as Tehrangeles,...
Dems Support Airstrike After Soleimani’s Old Tweets Emerge
Democrats initially opposed to President Trump’s decision to take out Iran’s Quds Force Commander Qasem Soleimani have reversed course after decade-old offensive tweets by the general emerged. Leading Democrats now call the strike long overdue after the tweets – described as sexist, homophobic, and Islamophobic – were discovered by a blogger for the Huffington Post. “Just watched 45 minutes of the new Ghostbusters movie – boring!” one tweet declared. “Sorry broads, but Tina Fey is no Dan Aykroyd.” “Is it...
Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People
Pondering how to respond to American air strikes that took out his top general, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei admitted that he longed for the days when the greatest threat to his power was the Iranian populace looking for basic human rights. “You know who never kills your top military officials in a drone strike on foreign soil? Unarmed protestors,” Khamenei said wistfully. “You can kill them by the thousands – and trust me, I have – and the worst...
Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate
Former National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes, who was once billed as Barack Obama’s foreign policy Guru was devastated to hear the horrible news that President Trump had authorized an airstrike that killed Iranian Quds Force leader, General Qasem Soleimani. “Qasem Soleimani, also known as “Asshole” by Yemenis, was the kind of moderate Iranian leader that we needed for peace in the Middle East,” Rhodes said in an interview immediately following the strike. “Sure he has the blood of hundreds of...
‘We Could Have Just Paid You Back for the Broken Glass,’ Khamenei Says
After his top commander was killed by a US airstrike, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has accused Americans of being “really anal about your embassies all of a sudden.” “I mean, jeez, talk about an overreaction,” Khamenei said in his first official statement after the death of Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis — the deputy head of the Iran-backed Iraqi Popular Mobilization Forces. “All our militias did was break a few windows. We could have just...
New York Enacts Strict ‘Eight-Strikes’ Law to Stop Attacks on Jews
Promising to finally get tough on attacks against Jews, New York has instituted a stringent ‘eight strikes’ law promising legal consequences to anyone who commits more than seven felony assaults against random Jewish citizens. The law was spurred by outrage after Brooklyn resident Tiffany Harris was arrested twice within a week for attacks against Jews, in one instance screaming “fuck you Jews” while slapping a group of Orthodox women in Crown Heights, and immediately released each time. She was finally...
US Ambassador Regrets Suggesting New Year’s After Party at His Place
The US Ambassador to Iraq has confessed feeling some regret that his drunken invitation for “Everyone to come back to my place to keep this party going!” has ended with the sacking of the Embassy. A spokesman for the Ambassador commented, “Look, its New Year, and to be frank the party at the British Embassy had been pretty lame, just loads of warm beer and sexual repression. So, it’s perfectly understandable that we would want to liven things up. How...
House Passes Resolution Condemning All Unprovoked Attacks in Brooklyn
After a week in which at least eight Jews were attacked by strangers on the streets of Brooklyn, House Democrats have passed a resolution condemning all random attacks against minorities in New York. “We oppose attacks on the streets of Brooklyn by Islamophobes, white supremacists, transphobes, homophobes, gingerphobes, and all other bigots,” the resolution stated. “We will not tolerate hate against any oppressed group and will fight to ensure Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, African Americans, Latinx Americans, women, short people, freakishly...
International Criminal Court to Prosecute Israel Because Nothing Bad Happening Anywhere Else
The International Criminal Court’s chief prosecutor has decided to examine pursuing legal action against Israel for its 2014 war with Gaza and its ongoing presence in Judea and Samaria because “We can’t really think of a place in the world where anything worse is going on”. The court announced last week that it would pursue a legal action at the request of the Palestinian Authority after a petition from ISIS was denied because “beheading infidels isn’t a human right”. Several...
‘Jewish Voice for Peace’ Menorah Just Christmas Tree on Fire
Looking to tout its Jewish credentials, anti-Israel advocacy group Jewish Voice for Peace left followers confused as it posted a picture of a Christmas tree in flames with the caption “our Hanukkah menorah!” “Happy to celebrate this holiday with our fellow Jewish Jews and with our wonderful new menorah,” stated the caption of the picture that looked nothing like a menorah or anything remotely Hanukkah related. “Just as our candles burn, we hope 2020 will see Israel, its people and...
Corbyn Relieved He Doesn’t Have to Attend Some Stupid Menorah Lighting
Calling it a silver lining to his recent election loss, UK Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn admitted he is greatly relieved he does not have to attend any menorah lightings or “do any other stupid Jewy stuff” to mark the start of Hanukkah. “If I was prime minister right now, I’d probably be surrounded by a bunch of hairy rabbis bragging about how they killed some Greeks 2,500 years ago,” Corbyn told The Mideast Beast. “I’d have to give some speech...
Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson
Following another rocket launch from Gaza, the Israeli Air Force (IAF) has retaliated with airstrikes against terrorist infrastructure. An IAF spokesperson commented “We are confident that these strikes sent a message to Hamas that we weren’t able to achieve with last week’s airstrikes, or for that matter the ones last month, and also those back in September.” Standing in front of a black-and-white photo he pointed out that the IDF had achieved their primary goal of shifting piles of rubble...
Russia to change Christmas to May
The Russian Orthodox Church announced this week that it was evaluating a proposal to move the date of Christmas from 7 January to 15 May. Officials cited increased issues with access to holy sites in the Middle East around the December/January time frame. In a statement from Patriach Kirill’s office the church stated, “we will be undertaking a consultation with the faithful about moving the birth of Jesus to 15 May in order to give us more access to sites...
US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal
The United States State Department has confirmed that Jared Kushner has taken on the trade negotiations with African superpower Wakanda. A spokesman stated, “Jared is clearly the best placed official to take on this challenge. After all he’s spent all of 2019 dealing with such fantastical places as ‘Palestine’, and the mind-bending concept of a ‘Two-State Solution’. I mean come on, ‘Two States’? That’s as laughable as another Fantastic Four reboot.” A Palestinian negotiator commented, “I swear if we told...
World Leaders Dismayed to Find Trump Still President
Hours after Donald Trump became only the third US president to be impeached, world leaders from across the globe were stunned and despondent to learn that Trump is still president. “I called the White House and asked for the president, and as soon as he answered I said, ‘Mike, congrats on the promotion! So glad you’re in charge now instead of commander lard-ass,” French President Emmanuel Macron told The Mideast Beast. “Imagine my horror when I hear that jackass’s voice...
Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide
Refusing to sign a bipartisan resolution condemning the 100-year-old genocide, US President Donald Trump insisted Tuesday that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump said during a press conference called to discuss infrastructure legislation. “Not all the Ottomans who went there to kill the Armenians were interested in genocide. Some were just upset about what happened to Australian Archduke...
Newsweek Embarrassed to Learn Only Iranian Journalists Beheaded for Negative Coverage
A week after publishing a cover story claiming Iran’s downfall would lead to a resurgence by ISIS, editors at Newsweek magazine admitted they published the story believing that the Iranian regime had strict control of the media globally rather than simply in Iran. “I got this assignment to write about the political situation in Iran, but when I started Googling ‘Iran’ every article I could find talked about how Iran routinely tortures and murders journalists, and how the Ayatollahs won’t...
British Jews Still Plan to Flee UK For Better Weather
Acknowledging that they no longer felt unsafe after Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn’s electoral beatdown, 77% of Jews said they are nonetheless planning to leave the UK because they share their neighbors’ view of the dreadful weather. “I’ve been saying for years that I’m going to leave the UK if that Jew-hater is elected,” one Jewish Londoner told The Mideast Beast. “But really that was just more of an excuse. I’ve just had it with the rain, the fog, and living...