‘I Was Jumped by Coronavirus,’ Jussie Smollett Says
Former ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett was attacked early Monday morning by a violent Coronavirus gang, the actor told Chicago police. Smollett was walking home from a nearby Subway restaurant when a group of Coronavirus germs approached him, according to his own account to police. Yelling, “This is Wuhan country!” the germs proceeded to cough in his face and wrap a noose around his neck. Smollett managed to fight them off without dropping his Subway sandwich, which he then ate. “Everyone...
Hamas Joins Bernie Sanders’ Presidential Campaign
Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign has taken some public criticism for some of his campaign surrogates’ questionable views on Israel. It seems though that rather than attempt to assure Jewish communities that the Sanders campaign doesn’t support anti-Semitic propaganda, they’ve gone the other direction: Earlier this week, Hamas announced that it was going to join the Sanders 2020 campaign as a digital media partnership. In a statement, one Hamas spokesperson said, “The Bernie Sanders campaign is struggle against a powerful regime...
Iranian Officials Agree: “This year we’ll take Israel’s Coronavirus Vaccine, Next Year We’ll Take Jerusalem”
An Iranian cleric, Grand Ayatollah Naser Makarem Shirazi, who is 93 years old, has decreed that it’s okay to use a vaccine against novel coronavirus made by Zionists if ‘there’s no substitute’. As late as Wednesday, however, the ayatollah had said, “It is not permissible to buy and sell from Zionists and Israel”. The Mideast Beast caught up with the ayatollah to hear more about his seemingly contradictory views on the topic. “The most important thing is protecting life and...
Hezbollah: “72 Virgins is Too Crowded”, Martyrs Feel Cheated
Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah has ruled that 72 virgins is dangerously crowded for its suicide bombers, leaving many potential martyrs feeling cheated. Nasrallah’s decision comes after he and other senior Hezbollah leaders reportedly contracted the coronavirus. Nasrallah spoke to The Mideast Beast from his subterranean quarantine Beirut bunker. “As Hezbollah’s leader, my main responsibility is to preserve a safe afterlife for our virile martyr operatives. Gatherings of more than 50 virgins is not considered safe”. Ali al-Shahidi, a disillusioned 24-year...
ISIS Urges Suicide Bombers to Avoid Large Crowds
In an effort to prevent the spread of coronavirus, the Islamic State is advising its suicide bombers to avoid large crowds and densely packed areas while carrying out their operations. “As we look to mitigate the harm caused by COVID-19, we are adjusting our operations to protect our mujahideen against the threat of the virus,” ISIS leader Amir Mohammed al-Salbi said in a memo to employees. “Suicide bombers and other prospective martyrs should avoid crowded locations and be sure to...
Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’
Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast. The terror group hopes to create a stampede of Americans fleeing the venues, leading to mass casualties. “Until the infidels,...
All Political Opposition in Saudi Arabia Struck Down with COVID-19
A spokesman for Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) has confirmed that COVID-19 has sadly impacted everyone with a difference of opinion from the Crown Prince. “We can confirm that the virus currently sweeping the world has had a particularly strong impact on individuals that have ever expressed less than 100% support for the current leadership. We can only surmise that they have particularly weak immune systems.” In line with the Kingdoms overriding concern for all its citizens the Saudi Health...
UN Closes Due to Coronavirus, Israel Condemned
The United Nations has closed due to a coronavirus scare in New York and Geneva. The UN General Assembly remotely condemned Israel, widely blamed for “Coronaizing the world” after “credible intelligence” was provided by the Iranian regime’s Conspiracy Ministry. UN spokesperson Yasser Gaddafi, a cousin of the late and beloved Libyan freedom champion Muammar Gaddafi, spoke to The Mideast Beast from the new Disney World in Syria, a well-known Palestinian UNESCO heritage site. “This is a sad day for humanity,...
Palestinians Give New Yorkers Tips on Living Under Occupation
With the National Guard called into New York’s suburbs in response to a Coronavirus outbreak, New Yorkers are reaching out to Palestinians for tips on living under military occupation. “Until this week, I never knew what it was like to have my movement restricted, or to see tanks in the street,” said one resident of New Rochelle, New York, where the National Guard established a one-mile containment zone. “Luckily, my buddies in the West Bank and Gaza have been very...
Bernie Sanders: I’m Looking Forward to My First Stalinist Purge
Bernie Sanders’ chances of becoming the Democratic nominee for president are shrinking fast after Super Tuesday II. The Mideast Beast caught up with the 78-year-old senator. “I just don’t get it” said Sanders. “There is nothing I didn’t do to win the nomination. I started on high dosage melanin injections and got scheduled in for sex reassignment surgery to transition into becoming a black woman, but because I have to be at election rallies all the time, I had to...
Trump Praises “Best Friends Forever” Deal with Taliban
President Donald Trump has praised the recently signed “Best Friends Forever” deal with the Taliban. The President spoke to The Mideast Beast about his phone conversation with Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar.“I had a good talk with President Mullah. I had a feeling those Jews were listening in on the call, so I was really careful, only using the best words. I have transcripts to prove it. Trump continued, “We have so much in common. Both of us consist...
BDS Movement to Boycott Coronavirus for Attending AIPAC
Leaders of the anti-Israel Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions movement (BDS) are now calling for a boycott of the Coronavirus after it was reported that the virus was present at the recent conference for the pro-Israel lobby AIPAC in Washington DC. “We have repeatedly called on supporters of the Palestinian people to skip the racist, Islamophobic, apartheid AIPAC conference, and we are disappointed to learn that the Coronavirus was nonetheless present,” BDS supporter and Bernie Sanders campaign surrogate Linda Sarsour said...
‘Natural Medical Expertise’ Leaves Trump Thinking, “I’m going to Make Virology Great Again”
People are preparing for wide-spread peace and reconciliation to break out across the Middle East once President Trump has some spare time from curing viruses with his ‘natural medical expertise’ I spoke with White House official Leonard Stevens. He said, “This explains a lot. First, we had Jared, who though remarkably lifelike for a real sex doll from the Ralph Lauren Summer Collection-19, didn’t really have any ‘natural expertise’ in anything except bad real estate deals. Stevens continued, “Then, there’s...
Taliban Blasts ‘Sexist’ US for Not Supporting Warren’s Presidential Bid
The Taliban has called off its peace deal with the US, saying that it could not normalize relations with such a sexist nation following Senator Elizabeth Warren’s exit from the presidential race. “Warren’s failure to gain traction exposed Americans’ deep-seated misogyny”, deputy Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar said. He also noted, “countries across the world, from Australia to the UK to Pakistan, have elected female leaders, but the United States keeps rejecting qualified women like Liz Warren in favor...
Israel Moves all Corona Related Research to Judea and Samaria
Israel has been known for some time as the “Startup Nation” but now it has also become famous for the nation with the strictest quarantine measures in place due to the novel coronavirus (COVID-19). In an unusual step, the government has reportedly moved all its corona vaccine research to Judea and Samaria, also known as the Occupied Palestinian Territories or more popularly by its Berkeley sobriquet, “Territories Occupied by the Rothschild-Funded Cabal of Zionist Apartheid Lizard People”. A spokesperson for...
Trump Claims ‘Win’ in Israeli Election, Vows Moving Israeli Embassy to Mar-a-Lago
Israeli Prime Minister Donald Trump claims to have achieved “the “biggest win of my life” in the Israeli election, despite failing to secure a winning margin in order to form a viable majority government. He appointed an unknown bureaucrat Bibi Netanyahu as his anti-corruption speechwriter and Middle East Director of Annexation. Prime Minister Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast, his second favorite Middle Eastern “fake news media” outlet after Al Jazeera. “Today marks a new approach to the conflict between...
Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops
It’s been well over a month since Trump’s decision to play whack-a-mole with Iran’s exalted general, Qasem Soleimani. Since then, Iranian troops and Shiite militiamen alike are saying they’re having a bit of trouble adjusting to their new boss, Esmail Ghaani. Hezbollah troops were the first to raise some eyebrows about some of the new office policies that Ghaani instated, starting with travel expenses and being a stickler for having receipts. One Hezbollah fighter complained that he wasn’t getting reimbursed...
Bloomberg: How Does One Billion Chinese Compare to Losing Billions of My Dollars?
Michael Bloomberg did very poorly on Super Tuesday and the billionaire is now assessing whether to continue his campaign. There are speculations that Bloomberg’s alternative way of defining democracy might have had something to do with it. The Mideast Beast asked Bloomberg whether his recent refusal to call China’s Communist leader Xi Jinping a dictator might have backfired. “Well, I said that whether Xi Jinping is a dictator depends on how you define dictator and democracy. Personally, I don’t think...
Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe
Disney World is deciding whether to relocate from Florida to Syria after a sinking accident involving Disney World’s popular Jungle Cruise boat. The recently appointed and highly experienced Security Chief of Disney World, Dick Grenell, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Unfortunately, Florida has become too dangerous for our visitors. It is infested with man-eating alligators and I don’t speak Spanglish. Furthermore, Florida is the most unstable swinger state battleground between America’s two most dangerous people: Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders....
Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, Ocasio-Cortez Reacts
Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, recently gave a speech in Detroit in which he called the Iranian Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and former Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi his “brothers”. “Mr. Trump killed my brother Qassem Soleimani. Mrs. Clinton killed my other brother Muammar Qaddafi,” Farrakhan said. The Mideast Beast sat down with US Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) from the Squad for reaction. “OMG you guys, I am shook!” AOC told The Mideast Beast, “I literally had...