Ilhan Omar Pissed She Didn’t Think of Blaming Mossad for Christchurch Shooting
With the leader of New Zealand’s biggest mosque blaming the Mossad, Israel’s intelligence agency, for attacks against Muslim worshippers that left 50 dead earlier this month, US Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is reportedly furious at herself for not coming up with it earlier. “I take a lot of pride in making sure that I tap each and every opportunity to advance anti-Semitic stereotypes,” Omar told The Mideast Beast. “I can’t believe I missed one as obvious as ‘the Jews are secretly...
ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously
In a recent interview, former adult movie star Mia Khalifa said that she had been receiving death threats from ISIS and has seen photo-shopped pictures online of herself being beheaded. Khalifa made headlines in the past for participating in an adult video wearing a Hijab and has angered some over several Lebanese nationalistic tattoos as well as a Lebanese Flag on her body. An ISIS spokesman has expressed outrage over her actions saying: “I heard from a friend that these...
Theresa May Considers Turning Britain Into A Dictatorship
A frustrated Theresa May is considering turning her country into a dictatorship, saying that she “simply doesn’t even care anymore and neither does the British public”. The UK Prime Minister has faced historic defeats in Parliament over her Brexit deal as Britain attempts to leave the European Union while her own party has been relentlessly trying to oust her from her position. She has since decided that she “just might as well give up on this democracy thing.” “Look, the...
Netanyahu Demands That Robert Mueller Be Appointed to Investigate Corruption Charges
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that he would like Special Counsel investigator Robert Mueller to lead a special prosecution case into the various corruption charges currently being levelled against him. The Israeli premier, who is set to face indictment on corruption charges dependent on a pre-trial hearing, made the announcement almost immediately after Mueller’s report concluded that US President Donald Trump did not collude with Russia during the 2016 election as had previously been alleged. Official spokesmen from...
Gaza Reporters Finally Catch Up on ‘Game of Thrones’
With nothing newsworthy taking place in the Gaza Strip in recent weeks, reporters covering the territory have finally had the chance to binge hit HBO show “Game of Thrones.” After months of constantly reporting on every Israeli action in Gaza, reporters said they were pleasantly surprised to find that the latest series of protests were not against Israel at all. “Honestly, when I heard that a Palestinian writer had his fingers smashed and that civilians were being beaten on the...
Trump as ‘ Savior’ Makes Jews Slightly Concerned About Pompeo’s Mental Health
Jews worldwide have expressed concern that US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo maybe having some sort of mental health crisis, following his comments that President Trump has been sent to “save” them. Andrew Stahlman, a fully sane Jew from Tel Aviv, commented, “Don’t get us wrong, we never want to turn down help from our American friends. However, are you absolutely sure ‘that’ guy is our savior? To be honest we were expecting someone who had broken fewer of the...
Erdogan Blames Receding Hairline on the Jews
In the wake of the free-fall of the Turkish Lira which prompted the administration to blame Israel for the economic collapse, Erdogan himself has indulged in a conspiracy theory in which he has blamed the Jews for his receding hairline. “Many say that the biggest catastrophe facing our nation is the collapse of our currency, but that is a mistake. The real tragedy is that many of my citizens find the fact that I am becoming increasingly bald quite funny,...
Terrorists Tired of Jeremy Corbyn Constantly Wanting to Hang Out
With every day bringing new revelations of UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn honoring violent jihadists, terrorists from a range of Islamist groups admitted that they are tired of hanging out with the British opposition leader. “At first it wasn’t so bad. He’d snap a picture, we’d talk about killing Jews, and then he’d be on his way,” one leader of a Gaza-based Islamist group told The Mideast Beast. “But he just kept wanting to hang out more and more. One...
Erdogan Finally Faces Backlash After Calling Steve Irwin a Bitch
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan may have finally gone too far in his feud with Australia, as the president now faces an uprising after calling the late Australian conservationist Steve Irwin a “little bitch.” Erdogan’s comments marked the climax of a series of threats aimed at Australia’s citizens since a terror attack last week by an Australian white supremacist killed 50 Muslim worshippers in New Zealand. Erdogan threatened to send Australian tourists home in body bags and referenced World War I’s...
Waqf Insists That Palestinian Temple Mount Rioters Are Just In “Purim Fancy Dress”
The Jordanian Waqf, the Islamic body that administers Jerusalem’s Temple Mount complex, has insisted that the balaclava-donning Palestinian youths armed with rocks and Molotov cocktails gathering at the site are simply engaging in “harmless Purim fancy dress”. In anticipation of another crackdown in Muslim areas of the Old City by the Israeli Army, the Waqf has sought to downplay reports that groups of young Palestinians are once again seeking to cause bedlam by hurling rocks and bombs at Israeli soldiers....
18 Million Syrians LOL at Steve King’s Meme Game
The post-war population of Syria has been forced to give props for Republican Representative Steve King, as he again demonstrates his totally on-point meme game. One commented, “Whatever side of the issue you’re on, and we know all about sides here, comedy gold has no sect or creed. Kudos, Mr. King. You. Are. Hilarious.” Another war-ravaged survivor said, “Some people will try to pick holes, pointing out that it’s not the ‘bullets’ but the artillery and the gas that you...
ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group
In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a lot of obstacles to getting this deal done,” Spencer told reporters. “Namely, we hate Arabs and Muslims, and they hate whites and infidels.”...
Israel Will Never Be a Country For Zordon, nor for the Power Rangers,” Declares Netanyahu in Bid to Add Rita Repulsa to Knesset Coalition
JERUSALEM – At a surprise press conference today, the Israeli Prime Minister stood at the podium, with the visage of a pointy-headed ghoul standing adjacent to him. But luckily for Bibi, this time the looming presence behind him wasn’t the Israeli attorney general carrying a bag full of indictments. Instead, it was none other than Rita Repulsa, would-be conqueror of Angel Grove, sharing the stage with the Prime Minister. And as the villainous, criminal, aspiring iron-fisted ruler prepared to speak...
Old-Fart Algerian Leader Forgoes Re-election Bid to Run for US Presidency
Calling the US the only country where an elderly man on death’s doorstep can still run for the nation’s highest office, 82-year-old Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika announced that he will look to challenge Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential election. His announcement comes after Bouteflika was forced to withdraw from Algeria’s upcoming presidential election, in which he had planned to seek a fifth term, after protests broke out across the country. But Bouteflika, who has rarely given speeches and has...
Vice President Pence Invites Irish PM’s Boyfriend to Roof
Vice President Pence has invited Dr. Matthew Barrett, partner of Irish Prime Minister, Leo Varadkar to the roof of his official residence, the Naval Observatory. Mr. Pence extended the invitation following an awkward Friends of Ireland breakfast, at which neither Dr. Barrett or Mr. Varadkar were struck down by lightning. One attendee commented, “The Vice President kept on looking upwards during the event, and at one point when he caught the two of them briefly holding hands, he did seem...
ISIS Elites Bribe Their Children into Top Brainwashing Programs
ISIS’s most elite education institutions have become increasingly competitive. The schools expect students to reach at least 2,400 conversions, pray five times daily and talk about a time a service trip changed their lives. However, a recent report from the Caliphate has revealed that some of ISIS’s most prominent Jihadis have been bribing their children into its top higher brainwashing programs. These programs are supposed to be a great societal equalizer, with men from all walks of society leaving the...
Jared Kushner Takes Extended Tour of Middle East
Presidential aide, Jared Kushner, has made a surprise decision to undertake an extended tour of the Middle East. A spokesman for the President’s son-in-law commented, “I think we can all agree that peace in the region is just moments away. However, Mr. Kushner felt there were still some areas which he hadn’t had the chance to experience. Yemen for example. Have you experienced Yemen in the spring? It’s surprisingly delightful. And does anyone else think that Gaza is shockingly unappreciated...
Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East
Saying that the nation’s involvement in the region does “not spark joy,” newly-named Defense Secretary Marie Kondo announced she will withdraw all US troops and diplomats from the Middle East. President Trump’s surprise pick to replace Jim Mattis, Kondo took only 15 seconds to ditch the country’s entire web of alliances and longstanding hostilities and abandon any relations with the Middle East or the rest of the Muslim world. “The secretary examined the country’s troop presence in Afghanistan and Syria,...
Iranian Leadership: “Just Be Unhappy Like All Other Damn Western Couples”
Iranian religious leadership has reaffirmed their strong stance that marriage is something that should be endured until either the sweet release of death, or failing that a damn good divorce lawyer. “We won’t stand for all this happiness and displays of affection around this sacred bond,” remarked a spokesman for the religious police. “Why can’t they be miserable like my second cousin and his wife in Baltimore? He spends his days fantasizing about the new intern in Accounts, and she...
Jeremy Corbyn Announces His 2020 Presidential Bid for the Democratic Party
Jeremy Corbyn, the head of the UK’s Labour Party, has announced that he intends to campaign to be the US Democratic presidential candidate for 2020. “Obviously, my initial instinct was very much that I would never run to be president of imperialist America, but then when I saw how close Bernie Sanders and his democratic socialism got to winning for 2016 I started to rethink things. But only now do I realize that I really can find a political home...