Israeli Culture Minister Calls for Boycott of FC Barcelona Supporters
Israeli Culture Minister Miri Regev ordered Wednesday a boycott of FC Barcelona fans (Barça), the soccer team for which Argentinian soccer player Lionel Messi regularly plays, following Argentina’s cancelling of its prospective soccer match against Israel in Jerusalem. The boycott will effectively bar entry into Israel of any individual who has ever expressed support of Barça. These “expressions of support” include purchasing the soccer club’s memorabilia, sharing related content on social media, or tuning into its games for longer than...
Hamas Seeks Humanitarian Aid to Purchase a DeLorean
Hamas spokesman Marti Ibn Zvuv talks candidly with The Mideast Beast (TMB) about success, failure, and hopes for the past. TMB: With huge support from the UN and world media, you must be pleased with the outcome of your recent activities MIZ: Actually, we are still suffering. Seems that we can’t put money into trying to destroy Israel and provide for our people simultaneously. TMB: Why a time machine? MIZ: Since the 2005 Israeli disengagement, our living standard has plummeted. Frankly, we weren’t prepared to rule...
Al Qaeda Jihadis Undergo “Racial Bias Training”
Following accusations of racially biased terrorist operations, Al Qaeda closed all branches yesterday afternoon for jihadis to undergo ‘racial bias training’. The move was described by a senior member of the organization as “necessary to adapt to a globalized world.” “We believe that those who aren’t Muslims or Muslims who aren’t Sunnis or Sunni Muslims who refuse to pledge allegiance to our organization or Sunni Muslims who did pledge allegiance to our organization but later expressed an opinion to be...
Turkey Declares Itself World Capital of Free Speech
In a compulsory poll conducted by the Turkish government, the country came out on top of all other nations as the world capital of free speech. The results initially came as a shock to international bystanders considering Turkey’s growing propensity to imprison journalists and political opponents of President Recep Erdoğan. “We are pleased to announce”, Erdoğan stated upon publicly reading the poll’s results, “that Turkey has officially declared itself the freest speech country on earth, with 99.98% of respondents saying...
In Meeting with Kim Jong Un, Assad Expected to Focus on Human Rights
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is expected to push North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un on the latter’s human rights record when the two leaders meet later this month. Sources close to Assad said say the Syrian ruler hopes to establish closer ties between the countries, but would not turn a blind eye to the suffering of North Korea’s people. “Any true partnership between our nations will include a mutual respect for human rights and international norms,” one Syrian diplomat...
Israel-Hamas Trade War Looms Over Steel and Aluminum Used in Rockets
The boring conventional war between Israel and Hamas is set to escalate into a thrilling trade war, with each side accusing the other of unfair trading standards. Following President Trump’s decision to impose tariffs on steel and aluminum imports, Israel has decided to raise the issue that the metal products which make up Hamas’ rockets constitute a gross overreach in such exports, threatening Israel’s domestic producers. “Currently, we aren’t imposing any tariffs whatsoever on those flying tubes of metal and, frankly,...
Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS
Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...
Man Who Designed ISIS Flag Finally Fired for Shitty Circle Drawing
Walid al-Mukdasan, the man hired by ISIS to design and produce their flags, has been let go by the terror group in a move which many of the designer’s longstanding critics say is “better late than never.” Pressure has long mounted on the group’s leadership to fire al-Mukdasan who designed the notorious flag constituting the shahada and the so-called Seal of Mohammed. “I mean, have you seen that thing”, one prominent critic commented. “it’s an absolute joke. You call that...
Strike a Pose, The New Middle East Conflict, and Its Face lift (New TMB Podcast!)
Image is everything, and this week on the Mideast Beast Podcast hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss just how true that is when it comes to looking good in the Middle East conflict. The issues are not the standard ones, but more about gay couples, getting your face on for Ramadan, and how to cover up, so to speak. Is the peace talking finally being replaced by a picture that could say a thousand words? The Mideast Beast podcasts...
UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien
The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on Ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protestors earlier this month, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was Memorial Day Weekend and they were Ambien firing.” The council...
Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza
Officials from Hamas are meeting later this week to discuss the finer points of slaughtering Jews. Representatives from the political and military branches, as well as religious authorities, are debating the possibility of implementing Halal butchering methods when stabbing Jews, whether male or female. In a speech, Mahmoud al-Bashiri, a Hamas leader explained, “We must consider adopting Halal methods when we finally slaughter all the Jews. It is widely accepted that the Jews are animals and thus we must take...
Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’
Speaking at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum, President Trump declared Tuesday that victims of the genocide “would be very happy and proud at how well our country is doing.” “Anne Frank, you like her, right? Let me tell you, she would be so happy that I finally got the NFL to make those bums stand for our national anthem. Nice!” Trump declared, as other attendees looked on in stunned silence. “And you think she would have voted for Crooked Hillary?...
Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding
With the Baltimore area devastated by heavy flooding, DC Councilman Trayon White has called for negotiations with the Jews who control the weather. “It is time for us to put aside our hostility for the Rothschildren (sic) and other Jewish bankers and ask them what we must do to get this rain to end,” White, who made headlines for saying that the Jewish family controls the climate, explained. “The Jews gave us this weather, and only the Jews can take...
New Poll: 81% of Syrians Thought Coalition Strikes “Just Regular Civil War Shit”
In the wake of US, UK, and French airstrikes on Syria, a new poll by the University of Damascus indicated that 63% of the population thought the bombing was “nothing out of the ordinary”. “I woke up to the regular sound of civil war,” said an eyewitness. “I wish I had known about the airstrike. I could have skipped work.” The data was described by an expert as unremarkable. “Wait, the airstrikes were done by whom?” said a researcher at...
Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven
According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious: despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in painful sores, and going to the toilet is excruciating,” relayed Shapiro. According to Shapiro – who learnt Arabic from her...
ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’
Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out. Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...
Fulbright Scholars Visit Palestine’s New Museum of Human Sacrifice
With a crop of International Studies majors in the audience, Former Prime Minister of the State of Palestine, Ismail Haniyeh, announced the opening and dedication of a museum on human sacrifice. “For years I have campaigned on the principle that we as Palestinians are a people who value death, just like our enemies in Israel value life,” Mr. Haniyeh announced, standing in front of a museum adorn with a skull and crossbones. “This museum will redouble our people’s commitment to value...
Israel’s Defense Minister Says Israel Should Leave the Jedi High Council
Israel’s Defense Minister, Avigdor Lieberman, has refused to back down on his remarks last Thursday when he called for Israel to withdraw from the United Nations Human Rights Council, despite the fact that Israel is not a member of the council. Rather than admit his mistake, he doubled down and has released a further statement calling for Israel to withdraw her membership from numerous other international bodies. “Frankly, it is a disgrace that we are members of a whole host...
Netanyahu Criticizes Hamas for Harming Israeli Bullets
Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has publicly condemned the 62 Palestinians killed during the rioting on the Gazan border. Speaking to the press, Netanyahu said “These Arab rioters should feel ashamed for disrupting the travels of these brave, innocent Jewish bullets on their way through Gaza. Those bullets were simply minding their own business when they were ruthlessly assaulted by Hamas operatives trying to destroy Israel with rocks and kites.” Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri shot back at Netanyahu, commenting, “Those...
Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur on ‘Make Up Sexy Headline, Rinse, Lather, Repeat’
Reality is a lot like reality TV, the more fake it is, the more the truth sticks out. On this episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone has a deep conflicted conversation with Times of Israel Political Correspondent Haviv Rettig Gur. From his complicated name, to the complicated Middle East, to the complications of being a journalist when it comes to telling the story, the two battle it out to figure it out: reality. beliefs. emotions. And if...