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Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies
Conceding that former Vice President Joe Biden has won round one of the presidential election, Donald Trump said his campaign plans to take a short break before gearing up for round two of the best-of-three election series. “Biden might have just barely won the first election because of the crooked media and rigged vote counters, but with your support I...
Stacey Abrams Declares Herself President
Calling it the honor of a lifetime, former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams is reportedly preparing to deliver her acceptance speech as the president-elect of the United States of America. “Being elected governor of Georgia was both an honor and a humbling experience, but it pales in comparison to becoming the president,” Abrams told The Mideast Beast. “The fact that...
ISIS Declares Premature Victory in Syrian Civil War
Inspired by President Donald Trump the so-called Islamic State of Iraq and Syria has declared victory in the still ongoing Syrian Civil War. The declaration came after Trump announced his election victory before all of the votes have been counted. “We have won,” proclaimed the Caliph. “We are winning big in Aleppo; we are going to win the battles with...
Satire Writers Storm Pennsylvania Voting Center to Stop the Count
Panicked over the prospect of President Donald Trump’s exit from office, satirical writers have surrounded voting centers in the Philadelphia area to stop the counting of votes and prevent former Vice President Joe Biden from taking the lead in the crucial swing state. Chanting “Stop the count!” and “Four more years!” hundreds of writers from satirical publications across the political...
Trump Puts Assad in Charge of Pennsylvania Vote Count in Last Ditch Effort
President Donald Trump announced today that he will be putting Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in charge of counting votes in Pennsylvania. The move comes after Trump accused Democrats of cheating in the election through mail-in ballots. “It’s clear what’s going on,” said President Trump. “The Democrats are trying to rig this election by counting Biden’s votes. That is why we...
‘This is Why We Don’t Do Democracy,’ Arab Leaders Explain
Pointing both to the confusion in counting the vote in the US presidential election and the likely prospect of a head of state losing power, leaders across the Arab world are pointing to the US presidential election as a warning of the evils of democracy. “When we have an election, we never spend days and days waiting for the results,”...
FiveThirtyEight Regrets Discounting Taliban Endorsement
After a tense night of getting the polls disastrously wrong yet again, Nate Silver has publicly apologized for failing to count the Taliban’s endorsement of Donald Trump as politically significant. Although the political elites smugly dismissed the Taliban’s statement in support of a second Trump presidential term, they clearly had a strong effect on voter turnout yesterday, as no other...
Progressives Kind of Disappointed they Don’t Get to Riot
Admitting that he was having some regrets about casting his vote for Joe Biden, Portland resident Adam Frederick lamented that the inconclusive election results upended his plans to spend the night looting and rioting. “Look, I guess I am glad fascism and white supremacy has not won and all, but I was really counting on getting some free stuff from...
Undecided Voter Breaks for Trump After Remembering He Said Biden ‘Not Smart’
Joanne Peterson, a previously undecided voter living in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, told The Mideast Beast that she has decided to support President Donald Trump’s re-election after remembering that the president pointed out that his opponent, former vice president Joe Biden, is “not smart”. Peterson said she was going into the voting booth with an open mind but was ultimately persuaded to...
Portland Mayor Trails bin Laden’s Corpse in Re-election Bid
Entering the final days before the election, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler finds himself down eight percentage points in his re-election campaign against the dead body of former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. Wheeler, a Democrat, has come under fire for what critics see as too moderate an approach to protests and riots that broke out in the city over...
Macron Again Angers Muslims With Muhammad Halloween Costume
French President Emmanuel Macron has once again angered some of his country’s Muslim citizens, this time by appearing as the Prophet Muhammad on Saturday evening at a Halloween party. In what aides called an effort to stand up for free expression and speech in the face of a series of gruesome terrorist attacks, Macron arrived on a camel at an...
Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an...
France Announces It Will Use Guillotine on Terrorists
Following the terrorist attacks in Paris last November, which claimed 129 lives, the recent capture of suspect Salah Abdeslam, and the most recent attack in Nice killing over 80 people, French President François Hollande announced his intention of finding his inner-Robespierre and employing the guillotine to execute ISIS or ISIS-linked terrorists. “While we have not beheaded anyone in a really, really...
NYT’s ‘Anonymous’ High-Ranking ISIS Official Revealed to be Camel
Humpy al-Sahari, a dromedary camel and former ISIS caravan member, has revealed himself as “Anonymous,” the ISIS regime critic described as a high-ranking senior official in a New York Times op-ed. Humpy, who was recruited into ISIS in 2013, penned a New York Times guest column criticizing the terror group titled, ‘I am part of the resistance inside the ISIS...
Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen
In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...
Barrett to Meet with ISIS, Iran for Tips on Implementing Theocracy
Wasting no time in implementing her vision of an all-powerful theocracy, newly confirmed Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett has boarded a red-eye flight to the Middle East to meet with the leaders of ISIS and the Islamic Republic of Iran for advice on imposing her religion on her subjects. Barrett will first fly to Tehran, where she will visit...
Armenia, Azerbaijan Agree to Truce After Kendall Jenner Shows Up with Pepsi
A truce has been reached in the conflict over Nagorno-Karabakh, as both Armenia and Azerbaijan agreed to a ceasefire after reality television star Kendall Jenner arrived at the battlefield with Pepsi. Armenian and Azerbaijani troops were lined up across from each other on the battlefield, with each country’s forces waiting for the other to fire the first shot. But seconds...
Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Shits and Giggles”
Israel’s national intelligence agency, Mossad, has admitted they were behind the wiretapping of the Trump presidential team, but stressed that they were only doing it “for shits and giggles”. Speaking anonymously, a spokesman for the agency commented, “Hands up yes it was us, not Obama. That guy is way too straight-laced for this. But I want to stress it was...
Russia, Iran Determined to Hack People’s Choice Awards Voting, FBI Says
Foreign actors including Russia, Iran and China are seeking to interfere in voting in next month’s E! People’s Choice Awards, the FBI has warned in a recent report. These countries originally planned to hack the November 3 presidential election, but after spending vast amounts of time and resources they found the US electoral system too confusing. “Between early voting, the...
COVID-19 Given Seat on UN Human Rights Council
COVID-19 has been elected to the UN Human Rights Council, joining countries such as China, Cuba, Russia and Pakistan on the international body. COVID-19 is the first virus to sit on the council since it was established in 2006. But electors from the General Assembly noted that the virus will fit in well with the UNHRC’s current members of death...