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Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit
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Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas’s condemnation of the attack on the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo’s offices is itself a warped attempt at satire, The Mideast Beast reports. “With Qatar evicting [Hamas political leader] Khaled Mashal, we’re on the market for a new kingdom. Hamas is thus aligning itself with Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin and the Pope, all of whom have come out in strong support...

Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech
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Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech

Leaders from across the Middle East unequivocally condemned the murder of 12 French citizens at the offices of a satirical newspaper, declaring the murder of journalists to be the job of the government alone. “The Egyptian people and government are appalled by the terrorist act that the French capital witnessed today,” said Egyptian President Abdel al-Sisi, whose government is currently...

Je suis Charlie Hebdo
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Je suis Charlie Hebdo

Stephane “Charb” Charbonnier, the Editor of the French satirical newspaper, Charlie Hebdo once said, “Disarm them with humor”. He and his team at Charlie Hebdo lived by that motto as they fought against fanaticism and fought for pluralism for nearly 25 years until they were brutally murdered in their office in Paris. Once again, the world witnessed the losses and grief...

Turkish President: Israeli Women Should Cook for their Men

Turkish President: Israeli Women Should Cook for their Men

Turkey’s president, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, has accused the Israeli government of bribing its women to pursue careers outside of motherhood so as to leave the country’s male population hungry, frustrated and fixing for a fight. Erdogan mocked Israel’s image as a liberated, democratic society, noting that “They call it ‘equality.’ Please. Historically speaking, well fed, pampered, sexually satisfied men have...

With Joan Rivers Gone, Search for Next Loud-Mouth Jew Begins
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With Joan Rivers Gone, Search for Next Loud-Mouth Jew Begins

In what was a sad turn of events for Israel supporters around the world in 2014, comedienne Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81. “She was all we had. Literally that was it. She was really one of us. She spoke with lots of hand motions, insulting multiple people and ethnicities at once, and wasn’t necessarily right,” said...

Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase Launch Bid to Acquire Elders of Zion

Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase Launch Bid to Acquire Elders of Zion

In a move sure to shake up the shadowy realm of our dark overlords, rumors abound that upstarts Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase yesterday launched a bid to acquire The Elders of Zion, long one of the most respected brands among sinister secret societies. Reactions to the rumored move have been decidedly mixed. “All show,” declared senior analyst...

American Film Industry Honors North Korean Dictator After Series of Threats

American Film Industry Honors North Korean Dictator After Series of Threats

Following the latest anonymous security threat, American movie studios have agreed to air a brief tribute to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un before all screenings of major motion pictures. “In the interest of the safety and welfare of our moviegoers, all films will now begin with a quick video praising Mr. Kim and his enlightened rule,” said a spokesman...

Hamas to EU: Put us Back on Terrorism Blacklist Immediately
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Hamas to EU: Put us Back on Terrorism Blacklist Immediately

In a move that will result in a collective boner for terror organizations around the world, the EU has removed Hamas from its terror organization blacklist. To add insult to injury, Egypt, a long time foe of Hamas, has recently done the same. However, it appears that Hamas is quite dispirited with the EU’s move. “When we filed our appeal...

Iranian Nuclear Talks Stall Over Demand that Americans Convert to Islam

Iranian Nuclear Talks Stall Over Demand that Americans Convert to Islam

Negotiations between the US and Iran have stalled over Iran’s demand that America forcibly convert each of its 316 million citizens to Shia Islam. “We’ve been making tremendous progress but Ayatollah Khamenei’s insistence that we adopt strict Sharia Law, while understandable, has been a sticking point,” John Kerry admitted. “I believe, however, that if Allah wills it a deal can...

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

The European Court of Justice has removed Hamas from its blacklist of terrorist organizations while adding millions of individuals around the world to it. According to the Luxembourg-based court’s ruling, “Hamas is rough around the edges, no doubt, but those green bandanas are bang on trend. By laying the smack down on this one rascally group of dashing, daring pranksters,...

Nature Documentarians Capture Rare Footage of Russian Dictator Engaging in Dominance Behavior

Nature Documentarians Capture Rare Footage of Russian Dictator Engaging in Dominance Behavior

Scientists have been delighted by new footage of the Dictator Russian in its natural habitat, ‘the global summit’. Various members of the genus Dictator were once so common that they were considered vermin. Indeed, until recently, the Russian species was thought all but extinct. “Every nature filmmaker dreams about capturing this kind of footage,” declared Hans Treeugger. “We set up our blind to blend in. You can’t...

Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits

Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Thursday that his office had drafted a law to ban annoying habits ruled to be ‘anti-revolutionary’ by the country’s ruling mullahs. “When I’m at mosque praying with all my heart for the destruction of the corrupt Zionist regime, there’s nothing more nerve-wracking than when some putz bowing next to me starts chewing gum,” remarked...

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

It’s election time in Israel again, and Benjamin Netanyahu is hoping to replicate the recent US elections, where only a third of the electorate participated. Netanyahu’s political advisors are white boarding strategies to replicate the same voter apathy in Israel, an apparent silver-bullet for winning elections for conservatives. “We currently get about 70% voter participation,” Netanyahu said. “That’s way too...

Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist

Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist

In a bizarre twist today the Arab League voted almost unanimously to extend their ‘Israel does not exist’ policy beyond the government. In a statement to the press earlier today the League stated, “If Israel doesn’t exist, then it follows logically that people from there don’t exist either. We will return to business with this conclusion in mind.” This decision...

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher was accidentally nominated U.S. Secretary of Defense yesterday as the result of a White House back-office mistake. The nomination was supposed to go to Pentagon veteran Ashton Carter, but a low-level white house intern added Kutcher’s name instead. “What kind of parents name their kid Ashton?” the intern asked. “Who would’ve thought there were actually two Ashtons in...

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace
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Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here...

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri
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United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

In response to the ongoing series of protests and civil disorder the United Nations has drafted a resolution acknowledging the sovereignty of Ferguson, Missouri. “We used to kick ass and take names. But over the last few months, the United Nations has become like the smart, quiet chick in high school. Lots to say but no one’s listening since she’s not screwing...

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?
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Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one...

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”
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UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle...