ISIS Backs South Carolina, Will Also Fly Confederate Battle Flag
Calling it a proud symbol of a heritage worth honoring, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi staunchly backed South Carolina’s efforts to fly the Confederate battle flag over government buildings and said the Caliphate was considering adopting the flag itself. “The Confederate battle flag stands for racism, slavery, treason, oppression, discrimination. In other words, everything that’s awesome!” al-Baghdadi told The Israeli Daily. Al-Baghdadi admitted that the flag was a bit tainted by the fact that most Confederate citizens were infidels, but...
“Screw Israel,” Says Obama In Microphone Gaffe
Today, U.S. President Barack Obama made clear his true feelings for the Jewish State, albeit accidentally. Prior to speaking to the press at a White House event, unaware that his microphone was on, Obama was overheard voicing his disdain for Israel. This article is fake, and if you share it as if it were real, it means you didn’t read it. He went on and on, saying a lot of nasty stuff. He railed against guns, capitalism, long-form birth certificates, traditional marriage,...
Dead Sea Monster Cowering in Last Remaining Pool of Water
After a long anticipated wait, the Dead Sea has finally evaporated Tuesday. All but one remaining pool of water has disappeared, leaving a scared and helpless “Nessiestein” cowering in fear. Nessiestein, the Dead Sea monster, is a distant relative of the more famous Nessie of Loch Ness, and has inhabited the Dead Sea region for Millennia. However, prospects for Nessiestein’s survival have been slim for decades, as the Dead Sea has been decreasing in size due to the diversion of...
Tel Aviv Gay Pride Parade Causes Mass Confusion Amongst Americans
Tel Aviv, Israel – The annual Tel Aviv Gay Pride Parade caused mass confusion and pandemonium last week as a group of 120 Americans of all ages, and incidentally all named Gail, came as a group to participate. “I believe we may have made a horrible mistake”, exclaimed Gail O’keefe of Orlando, Florida. “We were told it was a Gail Pride Parade and bought flight tickets to take part as proud Gails”. Gail Harrison of Palm Springs, California, was close to...
Iran Suspected of Hacking into CIA Website and Planting Funny Computer Virus
Cybercriminals from the Islamic Republic of Iran have allegedly stolen tens of thousands of documents related to the country’s nuclear weapons capabilities from the Central Intelligence Agency. Even more disturbing, the computer pirates wanted the United States to know that its security had been violated. According to a shadowy figure with a Charlie Chaplin-esque mustache and reported ties to Iran’s spy program: “The Americans found out about Iran’s uranium enrichment plant underneath an ice skating rink in Beirut, but Iran...
Thousands of Israelis Flee to Turkey to Escape Any More Talk about Bombing Iran
Approximately 10,000 Israelis beating a hasty retreat from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s nonstop threats to attack Iran’s nuclear facilities have crossed into Turkey, the United Nations refugee agency said Tuesday. “Damn straight I’m a refugee. I woke up at three in the morning just to watch Game 6 of the NBA Finals. Just as LeBron James is driving to the basket, a news alert cuts into the broadcast: ‘Netanyahu warns that a deal with Iran means the end of the world. We now...
Islamic State Grabs ‘MILF’ Brand
Public Relations experts with the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) have expressed delight at the recent decision by the Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) to hand over their weapons and enter a peace accord with the government of the Philippines. “This is just a great opportunity for us to rebrand as the Muslim Islamic Liberation Front. We’ve been watching Internet traffic for some time and those MILF guys have been getting a mental amount of searches and...
NBA Finals: Anti-Semitic Conspiracy?
Concerns are rising among sports commentators as well as Jewish community mavens regarding the loss of the Cleveland Cavaliers at the 2015 NBA finals. Cavaliers coach David Blatt, who had immigrated to Israel in 1981, is pretty much a national hero in his adoptive country and calls himself “a proud Jew, Israeli and Pez dispensers collector”. However, the loss of the Cavaliers to the Golden State Warriors in the NBA finals is seen by many as proof that the NBA,...
Israel Defense Force Commits Crimes Against Israeli Population, says Attorney
Photo: The Israeli Daily cannot confirm if these were the chairs stolen by IDF soldiers. A complaint was logged with the International Criminal Court today about War Crimes committed by the Israel Defense Force (IDF) against the Israeli population during last summer’s Gaza War. The complaint came as the scale of the theft of chairs and umbrellas from cafes and gas stations along one of Israel’s major highways become apparent. Finola O’Lochlin, a legal advisor from ‘Palestinian Lawyers for Israelis’,...
Radical Offshoot of Obama Administration Actively Building Centrifuges in Iran
While negotiations between the U.S. and Iran over the latter’s nuclear program near a key deadline, one radical splinter group of former Obama administration officials has taken matters into its own hands, sneaking into Iran to work on improving the country’s nuclear infrastructure. The group, which calls itself “Right to Enrich,” (RTE) broke off from the U.S. government after growing frustrated by the slow rate of concessions made by President Obama. “Obama says that he’s open to letting Iran enrich...
BDS Movement Honors Orthodox Rabbi for Achievements in BDS’ing
STOCKHOLM – At the fifth annual BDS Movement Award Show, the Swedish Academy for Political Hypocrisy, which hosted the event, gave the lifetime achievement award to the long-deserving ultra-orthodox Rabbi Ben Schmuck of Halamish, an orthodox Jewish settlement in the West Bank. The academy noted Schmuck’s many years of ideological leadership and dedication to the BDS cause. Academy chairman Ike A. Meatballsson remarked: “The ultra-orthodox community in Israel has always served as an inspiration for the global BDS movement. Every single community member...
The Rise of ‘Tear Technology’
Recently, scientists have recognized a stark decline of water in the Dead Sea. “This is a phenomenon that is irreversible!” said Israeli spokesperson Eyal Dudu. Previous attempts to refill this astounding landmark of nature have proven futile because the Dead Sea continues to reject all attempted water types, including seawater from the Mediterranean. Scientist Edward Berg recently discovered that tears have a saline content and molecular composition that could be compatible. Yes, tears. Berg has visited refugee camps, hospitals and various waiting rooms...
Mossad Admits that Israel’s Days are Numbered After Shoe-Stealing Scheme Exposed
Mossad officials acknowledged Sunday that the future of the Jewish state is in jeopardy after British activist Asghar Bukhari exposed the agency’s long-running practice of stealing the shoes of political opponents. “While I’m not usually one to admit defeat, I would recommend all Israeli Jews start looking for another country to obtain citizenship,” the Mossad official told The Israeli Daily. “Now that our enemies have discovered our shoe-stealing plans, we can no longer guarantee the safety of Israel’s citizens.” While...
UN Efforts to Save the Endangered Palestinian Refugee a Resounding Success
In 1949, the United Nations became concerned with the low numbers of Palestinian refugees following the first Arab-Israeli War. In response, the UN quickly declared Palestinian refugees to be an endangered species and organized a commission, The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East, or UNRWA, to foster the growth of the failing population. According to the UNRWA, there were only about 800,000 refugees in 1948. However, through the use of multi-faceted conservation efforts,...
ISIS sends ‘thank-you’ letter to Israeli government
While there is no official confirmation from the Israeli government (what else is new), it is alleged that Israeli fighter jets recently delivered a surprising 500-pound ‘wazzup?’ into a Syrian military facility in broad daylight. According to eyewitness accounts, warplanes plastered with Stars of David ‘blasted the holy harem out of a missile depot’ just outside Damascus. President Assad released a statement saying, “Only the Zionists could have broken through our piece of shit air defenses. Always the Jews.” Stories about...
Sauron Relinquishes “The One Ring” to ISIS
Sauron, Ruler of Mordor and oppressor of the free peoples of Middle Earth has relinquished ‘The One Ring’ to ISIS this past week “because let’s be honest, they are doing a much better job than I am.” While Sauron has done little to further his goals of irrevocable hatred and genocidal totalitarianism, ISIS has excelled in reaching both those goals. “I may be a man of evil cunning,” continued Sauron in a press release “but I’m honest enough to realize...
Putin Bashes in Skull with Lead pipe: Classic Murder Mystery Board Game Reboots
Desperate to regain the street cred it had in the 1960s, the Clue detective game is undergoing an extreme makeover that will include new suspects, ripped from today’s headlines. “We’ve been lame since birth control was new,” lamented Angus Mustard, CEO of Hasbro, Inc., the company that produces Clue. “If we stay with the same format, there’ll be no way for us to keep up with online gaming, pornography and Candy Crush,” Mustard added. The iconic Clue suspects have been...
McCain Furious at Obama’s Refusal to Strike Lifetime Network Over Cancelling Matlock Reruns
After Lifetime television rebuffed Senator John McCain’s demand that the cable network either restore Matlock to their schedule or suffer a brutal military response, the Senator ordered the military to make good on his threat. “I told the guy who answered the phone at the Pentagon that I need them to launch an attack on a cable network in New York City and they could use whatever they had handy: B-2s, tanks, artillery. Really, I’m not picky.” The Senator was...
United Nations Condemns All Past, Present, Future Israeli Actions
The United Nations Security Council (UNSC) passed a resolution earlier today stating that any and all Israeli military action constitutes war crimes. What separates this resolution from the overwhelming number of resolutions already condemning the Jewish State is that it appears to be all encompassing. “In case anyone hasn’t noticed, we just waste so much of our time singling out Israel for every little thing,” a UNSC representative told The Israeli Daily. “This new ‘all encompassing resolution’ is simply a...
Frustrated Iran Having Hard Time Telling Americans They’re Not Interested in Nuclear Deal
After months of nuclear negotiations with the United States, Iranian officials admitted they were having a hard time convincing their American counterparts that they have no interest in reaching a deal. “Look, [Secretary of State] John Kerry seems like a really nice guy and we’d hate to hurt his feelings,” said one Iranian Supreme Leader, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “But we only agreed to the negotiations to be polite. We thought after we made a whole bunch of...