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Trump Promises to Strengthen ISIS by Weakening American Democracy
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Trump Promises to Strengthen ISIS by Weakening American Democracy

WASHINGTON D.C. — Following his promise on Fox News to “strengthen ISIS”, the presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump, vowed today to “turn them into a very, very serious threat”. Trump promised to continue making “literally the most Islamophobic remarks any President could ever make”, in order to “increase recruitment to ISIS in the US by so-so-so much folks”. He elaborated...

ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention
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ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention

WASHINGTON D.C. — For weeks, rumors have persisted that A-list celebrities might be making an appearance at Donald Trump’s Republican National Convention this summer. Yet while the GOP Convention will not include Mike Tyson, Bruce Wills, or a single Jew, it will feature leaders of the militant group, the Islamic State. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said;  “We always get...

Special Report: ‘Islamic State’ Commander is a Hillbilly from Georgia
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Special Report: ‘Islamic State’ Commander is a Hillbilly from Georgia

Update, 14 July 2016: Following the confirmed death of ISIS’s ‘Minister of War’, TMB has reposted an article for a #TBT in carrot-bottom’s memory.   RAQQA, SYRIA — Abu Omar al-Shishani (the sexy one on the left in the image) is one commander in the ‘Islamic State’, also known as ISIS, ISIL, and al-Sham (dudes, pick a fucking name already!). Al-Shishani is now one...

ISIS Recruit Surprised to Learn that “Being a Sociopath” Isn’t Actually in Quran
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ISIS Recruit Surprised to Learn that “Being a Sociopath” Isn’t Actually in Quran

RAQQA, SYRIA — After sneaking over the Turkish/Syrian Border, Stinka ibn Tooshy – formerly Oliver Weinberg of Cherry Hill New Jersey, joined the rapidly growing world of Jihad. He described his first exciting months with ISIS thusly: “It was just like I’d seen on the Internet: beheading apostates, taking their wives and daughters as sex slaves, terrorizing civilians. Twenty-four hours...

Islamic State in Iraq and Syria Now Entirely Comprised of Foreigners
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Islamic State in Iraq and Syria Now Entirely Comprised of Foreigners

FALLUJAH — Jihadists from around the world have been making their way into Iraq and Syria to fight with the Islamic State. At first, caliphate leaders were happy to have so much support but now they are starting to feel overwhelmed and outnumbered. “I just looked around one day and realized I didn’t recognize anyone,” one IS fighter commented. “Granted...

ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp
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ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp

President Obama thought his second term couldn’t get any worse…he was wrong. “This morning I was briefed about a damaging review listed on yelp.com purportedly from ISIS ” stated a visibly enraged Obama.  “Yelp has confirmed this is in fact their official account and not some 13 year old boy faking a review. Unfortunately, Yelp at this time cannot delete...

Trump’s Jewish Grandkids: If You Become President, Please Don’t Gas Us
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Trump’s Jewish Grandkids: If You Become President, Please Don’t Gas Us

NEW YORK – Citing widespread support for his presidential bid by white supremacists, Ivanka Trump’s children have reportedly issued an impassioned appeal to “Grandpa Don to spare us the horrors of a second Holocaust” if the presumptive GOP nominee wins in November. The somewhat hysterical plea follows multiple anti-Semitic and otherwise racist incidents that have marred the Republican’s campaign for the...

Al Jazeera America to Shut Down, Citing “Not Enough Anti-Semites in U.S.”
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Al Jazeera America to Shut Down, Citing “Not Enough Anti-Semites in U.S.”

NEW YORK – Despite enjoying lavish funding from its Qatari owners, Al Jazeera America has announced that it will cease operations this September, blaming “stubbornly low rates of Jew hatred in the United States.” Launched in 2013, Al Jazeera America (AJAM) promised to provide more serious reporting than other U.S. networks like CNN and Fox News. However, despite a massive budget...

In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul
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In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saluted the Turkish people after a heinous terror attack at Ataturk airport in Istanbul, which killed 42 people and injured more than 230. “Wherever evil strikes, we will strike back…by constructing a Turnberry golf course. Turkey needs to take back its country, just like the United Kingdom did. Wherever we break ground on a front...

LeBron Signs with Syrian Rebels, Promises Democracy within Two Years
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LeBron Signs with Syrian Rebels, Promises Democracy within Two Years

Declaring that if he can bring a championship to Cleveland, he could certainly bring democracy to Syria, NBA star LeBron James has opted out of his contract with the Cavaliers and inked a five-year deal with moderate Syrian rebels battling both ISIS and the Assad regime. James announced his decision in an essay on Al Jazeera’s website. “I’m not going to...

Obama Moves to Cut Military Aid to Israel
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Obama Moves to Cut Military Aid to Israel

Hidden away in the budget just sent to Congress by the Obama Administration is a proposal to cut military aid to Israel. The budget states that the US could save billions of dollars by reducing aid to the Jewish State that could then be used on shiny new toys like the F35 Joint Strike Fighter. Ironically, this comes at a time...