After Barely Surviving Latest Assassination, Hamas Leader Now Just an Eyeball
After reports came out that the head of Hamas’ military wing, Mohammed Deif, was still alive and active after a fifth assassination attempt, it was confirmed, that no longer able to take physical form, Deif is now just a large fiery eye ball that sits atop a residential building in Gaza. The Hamas military wing commander was previously confined to a wheelchair and in some reports even missing limbs after previous unsuccessful attempts. RELATED: Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World...
Turkmenistan Admitted as Honorary Member of Middle East
In a festive ceremony held at the Syrian Ministry of Selective Human Rights in Damascus, Turkmen president-for-life-until-assassinated Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow (TID encourages skeptical readers to Google that name themselves) accepted a certificate of honorary Middle East membership from fellow regional rulers. The committee gave the Central Asian nation high marks in the categories of centralized corruption and popular persecution. Nationwide bans on video games, opera and long hair on men received extra points for creativity and arbitrariness. Judges praised the closure...
“Protocols of the Youngsters of Zion” To Hit Shelves This Summer
Earlier today a Saudi Arabian publisher announced that they would begin selling a new children’s book based on The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. The Protocols, originally published in Russia 1903, purport to outline the plan for Jewish global domination. (Spoiler alert: It hasn’t happened yet). Despite being revealed as a hoax in 1921, the work remains popular in the Muslim world, mainly because of the racy sex scenes and car chases (ed. You haven’t read the book, have...
Hamas Sends Delegation to Nepal, Rendering 10,000 Pro-Israel YouTube Videos Obsolete
Hamas, the ruling power in the Gaza Strip, has sent a delegation of 300 doctors, nurses, aid workers, and tunnel technicians to Nepal to assist in the earthquake relief effort. The move has rendered nearly every pro-Israel video available on YouTube completely obsolete. This is because all pro-Israel videos mention something about the fact that Israel helps the world and Hamas does not. An Israeli media official stated in an interview with The Israeli Daily, “Yea, that was kind of...
BDS Movement Advises Nepalese Quake Victims to Boycott Israeli Aid
In the wake of a massive earthquake that left thousands dead, injured, homeless, and without basic necessities in Nepal this week, leaders of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement (BDS) offered some advice to the small nation. “If you see people offering help under an Israeli flag in the coming weeks, we ask that you simply seek assistance elsewhere,” said BDS leader Yoni Katz. Israel sent about 2,000 aid workers to Nepal, the largest personnel contribution of any nation. While...
Suspected Suicide Bomber, Awan Boudi, Captured at McDonald’s
FBI agents swarmed a McDonald’s in Los Angeles and arrested an alleged suicide bomber linked to the Syria-based Nusra Front on Wednesday. The Lebanese daily Al-Pharteen identified the accused martyr in the making as 42-year-old Awan Boudi, a resident of the southern Lebanese village of Jezzine. “The Feds slapped me so hard, they broke my mother’s nose,” Boudi told his court-appointed attorney, Thomas Wanks. According to the Al-Pharteen report, “Boudi was apprehended while munching on a Southern Style Crispy Chicken sandwich...
As Part of Iran Deal, Obama to Convert to Shi’a Islam
Confirming oft-repeated rumors, White House spokesperson Ima Arz today revealed that President Barak Obama is in fact a member of the Muslim faith. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Asked why this revelation came at this time, Arz explained that after much soul searching the President had decided to abandon Sunni Islam, in favor of the minority Shi’a faction. The change was apparently a long time in coming. “Having hidden his belief in Allah, and His prophet Muhammad –...
The New York Times Unveils New “All-Israel” Section
In a dramatic announcement, The New York Times’ Editor Dean Baquet today unveiled the paper’s newest section, ‘All Israel.’ “A number of our readers open the paper just to scan for our Israel coverage. Some do it to complain that we are bashing Israel. Others so they can complain that we are not bashing Israel enough. Now they just need to go right to the ‘All Israel Section’.” Dying-media Analyst Rhea Cycle praised the move. “Look, as fewer and fewer...
Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?
In the now-iconic words of C+C Music Factory, “Things to make you go hmmm”. Part one in an ongoing series. Recently, people have begun wondering where ISIS is buying all those orange jumpsuits. Like, they’ve got to come from somewhere right? Someone is making these things and selling them to ISIS,with full knowledge about what they’re being used for. They couldn’t not know. Unless they’re buying them anonymously over the internet? But then someone knows they’re shipping orange jumpsuits to Iraq or...
Netanyahu Questions Future American Relations as Obama Returns Mix Tape
Sources close to Benjamin Netanyahu confirmed reports yesterday that the Prime Minister was ‘outraged’ and ‘crushed’ after President Obama returned a box of Netanyahu’s belongings, including a mix tape made specifically for the President. “I just don’t know what happened,” the Prime Minister stated. “One day everything’s fine, the next day he’s flirting with Iran on a terrible nuke deal? I poured my heart and soul into that tape, you just can’t give it back.” RELATED: Diplomatic Crisis as Obama Unfriends...
Iran Asks United Nations to Ban Question Marks
The Islamic Republic of Iran has filed a draft resolution in favor of removing the ‘question mark’ from all official UN documents. “We feel good about our chances,” Iran’s Deputy Foreign Minister Babak Zardooz was quoted as saying. “If the Western powers are forced to stop asking questions, Iran will gladly sign a framework agreement pertaining to our completely civilian nuclear program,” Zardooz explained. The Deputy Foreign Minister maintains that annoying questions about Iran’s role in the internal affairs of several countries...
Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators
The tragic death of Grey’s Anatomy Dr. McDreamy has given many Middle Eastern dictators and other head separating organizations pause for thought. “His death just made things so real for me,” said Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, clearly holding back his tears. During his interview, the dictator with over 300,000 deaths on his hands was frantically texting his BFFs the news, most notably Russia’s Vladimir Putin who is currently on vacation in Ukraine and Iran’s radioactive Supreme Leader. “But,” he sobbed, “there...
President of Turkey Shocked to Learn Most Americans Already Know About Genocide Against Native Americans
At a press conference called to condemn Pope Francis for saying that Turkey did ‘you know what to you know who,’ Turkish President Recep Erdogan was surprised to learn that most Americans know of their nation’s genocide against millions of Native American. A reporter questioned Erdogan about the Turks continual refusal to accept their intentional killing of 1.5 million Armenians during WWI, through mass deportation, starvation, and outright murder. An angry Erdogan responded, “You are ignorant to make such a...
Iran’s Supreme Leader Worried Obama’s “Getting Kind of Stalkery”
A shaken Ayatollah Ali Khamenei today came to the local UN police precinct to report his fear that President Obama is “getting kind of stalkery.” When questioned, Khamenei admitted his concern that he might have led the President on. “Back in 2009, Obama sent me a letter. I was flattered: he’s young, handsome, and has the whole ‘hope’ thing going. Can you imagine him interested in an old guy like me?” Describing his response letter Khamenei insisted that he’s ‘no...
Obama in Crash Three-Day Conversion Program to Become Jewish
The Deputy White House Spokesman today announced that President Obama has cleared his schedule for a crash three-day conversion course to join the Jewish People. After a Monday Mikvah dip (an oddly pleasant Jewish bath ritual), Obama will immediately depart for a brief visit to Israel. Asked why Obama was making this unprecedented move, the spokesman appeared unsure. “Well, the President has always felt a deep connection with the Jewish People…you know that stuff they believe…and those fish ball stuff...
French Fries Finally Return to Washington D.C.
In a nod to France’s new military activism legislators on Capitol Hill are to vote to reinstate the qualifier ‘French’ in front of the fries on all menus across Washington. Speaking to The Israeli Daily a congressional staffer said that a bill would be introduced to the House in the next week. “We are hoping to acknowledge French support for the current operations against ISIS and the work they’ve been doing in sub-Saharan Africa,” the Democratic staffer stated. “They’ve been...
Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan
Ba’al, the master deity and supreme sky lord of the ancient Near East has decided to re-assert his authority over the peoples of modern day Israel. After retiring to Florida nearly 2,000 years ago, Ba’al has stated that his successors, Yahweh and Allah have “totally fucked shit up,” and have left him with no other choice than to return to his former job. Although he spent much of his time in retirement painting landscapes, Ba’al has admitted in an exclusive...
Report: Friend Who Moved to Israel a Year Ago Still Smug About It
Sources report that your friend who immigrated to Israel last year is still super smug about it. They continue to update Facebook constantly, with pictures of normal stuff; trees, smiling people, beaches, sunsets, and add the qualifier: “Only in Israel!” You are rightfully confused, because as far as you know, all those things exist in other places too. You’re pretty sure that sunsets even happen on other planets. RELATED: New Israeli immigrants realize they’ve made a huge mistake Another one of...
Israeli Tour Guide Fools Israelis into Believing They’re in Egypt
Shlomi Bezalel, a licensed private tour guide, tricked 75 Israeli tourists into thinking that they were visiting Cairo. In fact, the group never left Israel. “This was supposed to be a romantic getaway with my girlfriend. I became suspicious when I saw my wife waddling on the banks of the ‘Nile River’. What luck: that bitch has left her bedroom exactly five times since Dallas went off the air. Turns out, we were actually at a lake near our apartment building...
Tourists still visiting Israel not the types of people you would want to holiday with
In a touching sign of support for the embattled nation and with clear indications of “something just being a bit wrong with them” tourists are still flocking to Israel. Whether it’s to enjoy the rocket filled skies in the south or the all-year-long seething religious tension in Jerusalem, there is something for everyone’s budget. Tour operator David Binglebloom said “it’s turning into a bumper year. It’s not just the fruit loops from those straight-edged American states wanting to meet Jesus and...