Clashes break out over who is most annoying “peace envoy”
The region was thrown into further turmoil yesterday on news that Jude Law was heading this way to contest Tony Blair’s crown as “Peace Envoy You Most Want to Punch” Yuri Jacobson, a fight starter from Tel Aviv was adamant, “Jude is gonna take Tony’s crown. Have you seen his performance in the Congo? Brilliant! Just the right mix of sanctimonious bleating and new-age wishing that creates the ideal climate for punching. I want to kick his balls right into...
Australia the Most Dangerous Place on Earth
Islamic State (IS) militants have now joined the long list of ‘basically fucking everything that is trying to kill you in Australia’. Typical Aussie bloke, James Wart, commented “it’s been a matter of pride here that absolutely everything that swims in the sea, crawls on the earth and flies in the air is trying to kill us, all the time. I knew a mate that was taken out by a Koala bear falling out of a tree, true story. So...
US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution
‘Should Scotland leave? Does England care? As Britain braces itself for Thursday’s referendum on Scottish independence, the United States – having gone over a week without entering global politics– has begun crisis negotiations with representatives from England and Scotland, attempting to persuade them to enter into a two-state solution. A seasoned negotiator attending the talks in Cardiff, Wales told The Israeli Daily: ‘This violence has to stop. It’s all over the world news. Sheep are being attacked; eggs are...
Paris too distracting for decision makers
Foreign Ministers from around the world are admitting today that there would be a lot more concrete action on the ‘Islamic State’ if Paris weren’t just so damn delightful in the early autumn sunshine. John Kerry confessed “I swear I was absolutely going to make a detailed report to the conference, but then I looked out of my hotel room this morning at the sun glittering like molten gold over the Seine, the smell of fresh baked croissants wafted up...
Evangelical Christian tourists radicalized by ISIS
Foreign Embassies are advising against all travel to Israel’s Upper Galilee region following reports of evangelical tourist groups becoming radicalized by ISIS. Groups of Western God botherers, inspired by ISIS’ presence on Israel’s northern border, have seen an opportunity to further their own religious aims while on tour in Israel. The Israeli Daily (TID) contacted one of the tour organizers responsible for sending the groups. Bob Logan of Plainold, Texas, told TID: ‘These ISIS heathens are clearly misguided. Instead of shooting...
Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah
Addressing the crowds from above the clouds, in a loud, booming voice, God, looking pretty proud of himself, announced that Kate had conceived the child naturally and not via Immaculate Conception, which he dismissed as ‘an absolute load of bollocks’: ‘There’s no such thing as an ‘Immaculate Conception’. Who ever made that shit up had some pretty fucked ideas about sex. The truth is, I’m probably the only one man to knock up Kate. Then I thought, since I was...
ISIS beginning to think the ‘Stop the War’ Coalition is just a bit weird
Following demonstrations at the NATO summit in Wales by the Stop the War Coalition, ISIS spokesman Ali al-daziz has confided that they are not sure what to make of them, “On the one hand, all respect to them as they seem to hate the great Satan America more than we do. Abet with not as much sword-waving action. So that we like. On the other hand they seem to be cool with Putin and think that the West is being a...
El Al to operate first entirely kosher plane
In an important announcement from El Al earlier today, Israel’s national airline broke the news that they will soon be operating the world’s first entirely kosher airplane. In a move that delighted the ultra-Orthodox Jewish community and confused pretty much everyone else, the airline’s press conference overran by half an hour while a spokesman explained just what a ‘fully kosher’ airplane would entail. The Israeli Daily can now reveal (after some carefully drawn diagrams and arm-waving explanations from El Al...
Bomb maker’s death raises concerns about children and plastic explosives
“Whatever you do, you must not push this button,” the elderly bomb-maker tells the 10-year old boy as he shows the child the suicide vest. “This button?” the boy replies, pushing the button and separating the bomb-maker into two. Today, the death has ignited a powerful debate on the dangers of children and explosives, and whether responsible bomb makers should place their lives in the hands of irresponsible youth. Hamas master bomb-maker Hous bin-Pharteen enjoyed working with Palestinian children. “They...
Israel cannot name sixth submarine
A serious row has broken out in the upper echelons of the Israeli Navy, over the name of their 6th German built U-boat. The current names, Dolphin, Whale, Crocodile, Revival, and Splendour may all soon be joined by Duck-Bill Platypus or Manatee. “I refuse to command a ship named after something with a permanent smile on it’s face” said Yossi “the Shark” Kaplinski, Israel’s highest scoring U-boat ace with 16-tons of shipping sunk, fifteen of which was accounted for in...
Bomb Shelter, Bomb Shells!
With the recent upsurge in rocket fire thanks to Switzerland-by-the-Sea, Israelis living in the South have taken to using their bomb shelters, which has displaced their normal residents. “This shit is getting ridiculous. There’s almost no where to smoke and have sex with my boyfriend” complained an anonymous 12-year-old girl from Sderot. “It’s really unfair.” “Yea, it’s terrible,” complained Mohamed Al-Latif. “I was growing some herbal medicine plants in the local shelter and all the Jews came and smoked it...
Hamas unveils anti-UAV laser
Hamas has developed a remarkable new weapon system that could be used to shoot down unmanned drones. The humanitarian group received a $20 million grant from the Islamic State (IS) Office of Blasphemy Research to build a vehicle-mounted laser to shoot down the hated “flying tools of the Great Satan.” The Ground Laser Air Defense (GLAD) system uses a pickup-mounted platform that leverages “green” technology to power the 25kW laser. “Apparently the laser is powered by the tears of Palestinian...
Governor Jay Nixon calls on IDF
Dissatisfied with the performance of the National Guard, Governor Jay Nixon calls on the IDF to “bring order to the chaos” in Ferguson. As violence in Ferguson spirals out of control, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon is calling for help from an unlikely source: Benjamin Netanyahu, the Full-Time Israeli Prime Minister and part-time over-50s Gap Model. The Governor spoke before a press conference on the embattled streets of the Missouri city. “When shit gets real, you really need to bring your...
Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram
Day 44 Since the collapse of the peace talks in Cairo, Hamas made an announcement via Instagram video of their latest request, followed by a threat. In poor Hebrew and using the 1977 filter, Hamas operatives stated “If we don’t get the 100 million NIS airport with a complete water park, KFC, and the nice security line that doesn’t make you take your shoes off, we will target Ben Gurion Aiport”. The caption was “We won’t stop until we get...
Snowden reveals ‘Galloway’
Edward Snowden has recently revealed that a Mossad spy has infiltrated into Muslim groups in the UK. Little is known about the shadowy figure that is believed to have been recruited in Scotland about 30 years ago, and goes only by the code name ‘Galloway’. “Ya Allah! This is so like 24!” said Abdul Abdul, spokesman for the West and East Yorkshire Global Jihad Co-operative and The Local Ferret Breeders Association. “We’re a typical tightly knit of group of West...