EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel
The European Court of Justice has removed Hamas from its blacklist of terrorist organizations while adding millions of individuals around the world to it. According to the Luxembourg-based court’s ruling, “Hamas is rough around the edges, no doubt, but those green bandanas are bang on trend. By laying the smack down on this one rascally group of dashing, daring pranksters, the court has done little to prosecute far greater cultural offenders.” With Hamas no longer a focal point, the EU...
Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’
Aides of Benjamin Netanyahu expressed frustration this week at the PM’s new habit of quoting Game of Thrones in official government communications. Aides say they noticed something was off when Netanyahu called a press conference to discuss the recent breakdown in the coalition government and concluded with: “Prepare, my friends, winter is coming.” Reports indicate this all began when the Mossad hacked Khaled Mashal’s computer and obtained his HBOGo account credentials, which were presented to the PM in an intelligence...
Nature Documentarians Capture Rare Footage of Russian Dictator Engaging in Dominance Behavior
Scientists have been delighted by new footage of the Dictator Russian in its natural habitat, ‘the global summit’. Various members of the genus Dictator were once so common that they were considered vermin. Indeed, until recently, the Russian species was thought all but extinct. “Every nature filmmaker dreams about capturing this kind of footage,” declared Hans Treeugger. “We set up our blind to blend in. You can’t imagine the discomfort! It looked so much like an over-priced minibar, a few passersby actually pulled out a bottled water...
Special Report: Scientology, Israeli elections, the Middle East, and world domination
The decision for early Israeli parliamentary elections follows a drunken argument at a secret, orgiastic ceremony last week. It is rumored that Tom Cruise might have presided as High Priest at the Scientology Center in Tel Aviv. A number of top Israeli politicians fought over who should first have sex with Yuvalit Abramovich, a one time transgender soap opera actor-turned Scientology volunteer, who has since been reported missing. Given that an ISIS recruitment video was found on her computer, no...
Hamas Celebrates 27th Anniversary in Gaza with Beatles Tribute Band
The Islamic Resistance Movement, Hamas, danced the night away to classic Fab Four songs, in honor of the 27th anniversary of the militant group’s formation. Local tribute band Rubber Souldiers stormed the stage Friday night and performed for a capacity audience at Gaza City’s Palestine Stadium. Playing a toe tapping set that brought the crowd of ten thousand current and future shahids to their feet on several occasions. Rubber Souldiers’ uniquely jihadist takes on the Beatles catalogue were recorded live...
New Jersey Man Arrested After Hamas Leader is Found Using His HBOGo Account
27-year-old New Jersey native, Tony Marini, was taken into custody by the FBI earlier today under suspicion of connections to the terrorist organization, Hamas. Marini has been denying the association since his arrest. The connection in question? Marini’s HBOGo account. A months-long FBI sting uncovered the fact that Hamas leader, Khaled Mashal, has been watching Game of Thrones via Marini’s account. RELATED: Hamas to be the first to explore new galaxy “I don’t know how that happened!” exclaims Marini from...
Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Thursday that his office had drafted a law to ban annoying habits ruled to be ‘anti-revolutionary’ by the country’s ruling mullahs. “When I’m at mosque praying with all my heart for the destruction of the corrupt Zionist regime, there’s nothing more nerve-wracking than when some putz bowing next to me starts chewing gum,” remarked Iranian government spokesman Arvin Shahidi. Gum chewing, farting and sneezing without covering one’s face are three of the 72 human...
Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.
Following his decision last week to dissolve the government, leading to new elections in March 2015, Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has applied for political asylum in the United States. Bibi, who last week accused the Finance Minister of an attempted coup, now says he is no longer safe in Israel. “Look, you’re not paranoid if people are out to get you,” Netanyahu noted. “I’ve managed to piss off all 120 Members of Parliament and eight million Israeli citizens, give...
Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone
Following weeks of dropped calls and slow Internet access, as well as several failed attempts at acquiring the latest iPhone 6, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has called off the establishment of an Islamic State due to poor cellphone reception near the Syrian-Iraqi border. “In my haste to establish a safe haven for jihadists and a model society living under the banner of Islam, I overlooked the most important condition needed to return to the greatness of the Prophet’s time;...
Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections
It’s election time in Israel again, and Benjamin Netanyahu is hoping to replicate the recent US elections, where only a third of the electorate participated. Netanyahu’s political advisors are white boarding strategies to replicate the same voter apathy in Israel, an apparent silver-bullet for winning elections for conservatives. “We currently get about 70% voter participation,” Netanyahu said. “That’s way too high. Israel attracts voters from across the political spectrum, and that’s our problem. Most Americans seem to have just given...
Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist
In a bizarre twist today the Arab League voted almost unanimously to extend their ‘Israel does not exist’ policy beyond the government. In a statement to the press earlier today the League stated, “If Israel doesn’t exist, then it follows logically that people from there don’t exist either. We will return to business with this conclusion in mind.” This decision doesn’t come without some uncomfortable consequences, as the Israeli Ambassador to the United Nations shared several hours after the decision was...
Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error
Ashton Kutcher was accidentally nominated U.S. Secretary of Defense yesterday as the result of a White House back-office mistake. The nomination was supposed to go to Pentagon veteran Ashton Carter, but a low-level white house intern added Kutcher’s name instead. “What kind of parents name their kid Ashton?” the intern asked. “Who would’ve thought there were actually two Ashtons in the world, let a lone one serious enough to run the Department of Defense.” Republicans jumped on the announcement, with...
ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative
The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics. Speaking to The Israeli Daily, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognised the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be really honest, things have deteriorated somewhat from when we invented ‘zero’”. “We are particularly interested in the practical applications of science...
Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace
While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here we are uniting Jehova and Allah, into Jehovallah, and this is the name we call out when we climax, though...
United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri
In response to the ongoing series of protests and civil disorder the United Nations has drafted a resolution acknowledging the sovereignty of Ferguson, Missouri. “We used to kick ass and take names. But over the last few months, the United Nations has become like the smart, quiet chick in high school. Lots to say but no one’s listening since she’s not screwing the quarterback,” UN Spokesperson Hans Rapp stated in response to the quickly drafted declaration of Ferguson’s independence. RELATED: Mel Gibson Appointed...
Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert
Hard partying senior level diplomats in Vienna have brought the Iranian nuclear talks to a screeching halt. An outbreak of laryngitis has been diagnosed as causing the sudden derailment of negotiations over Iran’s atomic ambitions. On Saturday night, British Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond and French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius were seen slam dancing during ’80s night at Fledermaus, one of Vienna’s hottest nightclubs. Fabius was last heard yelling “Hey Phil, wake me up before you go-go!” before passing out in...
‘Silent intifada’ stems from ‘micro-penis’ complex
A recent study from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem has found that the ongoing ‘silent Intifada’ is a direct result of Palestinian leaders’ so-called ‘micro-penis complex’. The study’s head researcher Dr. Avi Cohen explained; “There is nothing more phallic than terror attacks, you know, apart from actual penises. Stabbing at something and exploding onto or into people are both highly sexually symbolic. We would assume someone commanding others to commit these sorts of attacks in such volume is obviously overcompensating...
Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Bill Declaring “Israel the Nation State of Falafel”
Following the row in his coalition around the ‘Jewish State Bill’ that would have placed Israel’s status as a Jewish State ahead of its commitment to democracy, Prime Minister Netanyahu hoped to lessen tensions with a Bill making Israel the Nation State of Falafel. “Falafel is the national food of Israel and of the Jewish people. It is our unifying symbol, and it’s delicious. Let all Israelis stand with me in support of fried balls as the heritage of the...
Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?
A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one moment we were carrying out low level racial profiling, the next we’re knee deep in a ‘Southern Fried Intifada’. The...
UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”
On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle in the face of such tragic destruction of otherwise perfectly edible meat. We felt compelled to act.” Israeli Prime Minister...