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Trump Promises to Strengthen ISIS by Weakening American Democracy
WASHINGTON D.C. — Following his promise on Fox News to “strengthen ISIS”, the presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump, vowed today to “turn them into a very, very serious threat”. Trump promised to continue making “literally the most Islamophobic remarks any President could ever make”, in order to “increase recruitment to ISIS in the US by so-so-so much folks”. He elaborated...
Bill Cosby Joins Israeli Army After IDF Rabbi Okays Rape of ‘Attractive Gentile Women’
JERUSALEM — Saying that recent comments by IDF Rabbi Colonel Eyal Karim really aligned with his beliefs and values, comedian and alleged rapist Bill Cosby has reportedly moved to Israel and joined the Israeli army. Cosby’s decision comes after past statements surfaced in which Karim, announced Monday as the intended new chief rabbi, said it is permitted for soldiers at...
ISIS to End its Caliphate, Throw Farewell Party at Republican National Convention
WASHINGTON D.C. — For weeks, rumors have persisted that A-list celebrities might be making an appearance at Donald Trump’s Republican National Convention this summer. Yet while the GOP Convention will not include Mike Tyson, Bruce Wills, or a single Jew, it will feature leaders of the militant group, the Islamic State. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said; “We always get...
Special Report: ‘Islamic State’ Commander is a Hillbilly from Georgia
Update, 14 July 2016: Following the confirmed death of ISIS’s ‘Minister of War’, TMB has reposted an article for a #TBT in carrot-bottom’s memory. RAQQA, SYRIA — Abu Omar al-Shishani (the sexy one on the left in the image) is one commander in the ‘Islamic State’, also known as ISIS, ISIL, and al-Sham (dudes, pick a fucking name already!). Al-Shishani is now one...
Weapons Inspectors Demand Access to Iranian Military Sites to Collect Pokémon
VIENNA — Last year’s nuclear deal between Iran and the West may now be in jeopardy, as weapons inspectors are demanding access to sensitive military sites at which Pokémon has been discovered. “While Iran had been in compliance with the terms of the agreement up to this point, Iranian officials have now refused to allow our inspectors to enter off-limit...
As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game
QUANTICO — For years, Americans have been told to fear the looming monster of a nuclear Iran, and so we have. But, in a classic M. Night Shyamalan twist, the real monsters were in our pockets all along. Pocket Monsters ‘Pokémon,’ as they’re called on the street, have begun to pop up across the United States thanks to the new...
ISIS Recruit Surprised to Learn that “Being a Sociopath” Isn’t Actually in Quran
RAQQA, SYRIA — After sneaking over the Turkish/Syrian Border, Stinka ibn Tooshy – formerly Oliver Weinberg of Cherry Hill New Jersey, joined the rapidly growing world of Jihad. He described his first exciting months with ISIS thusly: “It was just like I’d seen on the Internet: beheading apostates, taking their wives and daughters as sex slaves, terrorizing civilians. Twenty-four hours...
Islamic State in Iraq and Syria Now Entirely Comprised of Foreigners
FALLUJAH — Jihadists from around the world have been making their way into Iraq and Syria to fight with the Islamic State. At first, caliphate leaders were happy to have so much support but now they are starting to feel overwhelmed and outnumbered. “I just looked around one day and realized I didn’t recognize anyone,” one IS fighter commented. “Granted...
ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp
President Obama thought his second term couldn’t get any worse…he was wrong. “This morning I was briefed about a damaging review listed on yelp.com purportedly from ISIS ” stated a visibly enraged Obama. “Yelp has confirmed this is in fact their official account and not some 13 year old boy faking a review. Unfortunately, Yelp at this time cannot delete...
Trump Picks Embattled Syrian President Assad as Running Mate
Calling the Syrian strongman “a guy who’s really good at killing terrorists,” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has named Syrian President Bashar al-Assad as his running mate. “Listen, this guy is a really, really bad guy. Really bad guy,” Trump said as he introduced Assad at a campaign rally. “But you know what he does good? He kills terrorists. I...
Pentagon’s New Program for Syrian Rebels Includes Just Air-Dropping Weapons into an Open Field
The Pentagon has recently revamped its military aid plans for Syrian rebels with a new program of simply air dropping boxes of weapons and training manuals into open fields. Washington decided it was time for this change of pace when they acknowledged the previous program was, in the highly polite words of one spokesman, “suboptimal”. General Adam Owens director of the...
Big Win for Feminism: Saudi Arabia Legalizes Being a Woman for all Saudi Men
It may come as a shock to most people that Saudi Arabia is a country that still has some misogynistic views about women. Despite the nation’s fanatical support of female political candidates in the United States, Saudi women, until recently have been treated very poorly. Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, the King of Saudi Arabia decreed on Friday that women...
U.S. Air Force To Supply Iraqis With Emergency Airdrop of Thoughts and Prayers
In the wake of the latest deadly ISIS attack killing over 200 people in Baghdad, the United States Air Force has finally decided on a robust response of airdropping ‘thoughts and prayers.’ Which is kind of like when you offer your significant other a coupon for a free backrub because you didn’t put in the effort to actually go shopping. ...
Trump’s Jewish Grandkids: If You Become President, Please Don’t Gas Us
NEW YORK – Citing widespread support for his presidential bid by white supremacists, Ivanka Trump’s children have reportedly issued an impassioned appeal to “Grandpa Don to spare us the horrors of a second Holocaust” if the presumptive GOP nominee wins in November. The somewhat hysterical plea follows multiple anti-Semitic and otherwise racist incidents that have marred the Republican’s campaign for the...
Al Jazeera America to Shut Down, Citing “Not Enough Anti-Semites in U.S.”
NEW YORK – Despite enjoying lavish funding from its Qatari owners, Al Jazeera America has announced that it will cease operations this September, blaming “stubbornly low rates of Jew hatred in the United States.” Launched in 2013, Al Jazeera America (AJAM) promised to provide more serious reporting than other U.S. networks like CNN and Fox News. However, despite a massive budget...
Istanbul Airport Attack Proves Definitively That We Either Are, or Are Not, Being Tough Enough on ISIS
If there’s one thing people love more than Jennifer Lawrence talking about pizza, it’s debating foreign policy while bodies are still cooling from the most recent and tragic terror attack. This week’s massacre du jour took place in a country named after a staple of the American diet, no, not Greece. Turkey. At least 42 people have died in the...
In Show of Support for Terror Victims, Trump Vows to Build New Golf Course in Istanbul
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saluted the Turkish people after a heinous terror attack at Ataturk airport in Istanbul, which killed 42 people and injured more than 230. “Wherever evil strikes, we will strike back…by constructing a Turnberry golf course. Turkey needs to take back its country, just like the United Kingdom did. Wherever we break ground on a front...
LeBron Signs with Syrian Rebels, Promises Democracy within Two Years
Declaring that if he can bring a championship to Cleveland, he could certainly bring democracy to Syria, NBA star LeBron James has opted out of his contract with the Cavaliers and inked a five-year deal with moderate Syrian rebels battling both ISIS and the Assad regime. James announced his decision in an essay on Al Jazeera’s website. “I’m not going to...
Deleted Clinton E-mails Reveal Secretary of State’s True Feelings about Israel
Among the new batch of e-mails from Hillary Clinton’s time at the State Department that surfaced today, several depict the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee as hostile towards Israel. “What a shitty little country. I just got off the phone with Netanyahu. Sure, he wants a peace deal with the Palestinians: as long as I get him and the Mrs. tickets to...
Obama Moves to Cut Military Aid to Israel
Hidden away in the budget just sent to Congress by the Obama Administration is a proposal to cut military aid to Israel. The budget states that the US could save billions of dollars by reducing aid to the Jewish State that could then be used on shiny new toys like the F35 Joint Strike Fighter. Ironically, this comes at a time...