Uber Cool: Women Drivers in Saudi Arabia

Uber Cool: Women Drivers in Saudi Arabia

How’s this for some good news in the Middle East: Saudi Arabia will allow women to take the front seat and become shared-ride drivers (never mind that they can’t drive at night, can’t take men, and make almost no money). In this week’s episode, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss this whole new world, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (you need to listen to understand why), and a bit of a chat on the #MeToo Movement’s destroying journalism everywhere. The...

U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift

U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift

This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought. Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat Gold Case Apple Watches.” Although surprised by the gift, some ISIS members strapped them on faster than suicide vests. “When...

US Government Suggests the Middle East to “Shut Down”

US Government Suggests the Middle East to “Shut Down”

A spokesperson for the US government suggested over the weekend that the region voted “Most Troublesome” 2017 years in a row, consider following the United States into ‘furlonging’ all but essential personnel. “Really the Turkish invasion of Syria in pursuit of Kurdish militants currently backed by us is the last straw. We could just about cope when we just needed to state, ‘Saudi good, Iran bad.’ But this is some next level three-dimensional chess shit right here. And let’s be...

Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Beleaguered by leaks, organizational chaos, infighting, and members jumping ship, the infamous leader struggles to maintain his hold on power. One aid agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity “He’s breaking all the traditions! Didn’t even hold a Ramadan dinner! All the past leaders I can remember have hosted Ramadan dinner.” The “Fire and Fury” leader has lost a large number of his cabinet members, including several spokespeople, some lasting only a few days. “These guys come...

ISIS Further Decimated by ‘Tide Pod Challenge’

ISIS Further Decimated by ‘Tide Pod Challenge’

Already reeling after losing nearly all its territory in clashes with Iraqi forces, ISIS has been dealt another blow after half the terror group’s soldiers died attempting the “Tide Pod Challenge.” The devastation struck after a group of young jihadis were killing time on patrol in the town of Abu Kamel, Syria and came across a video issuing the challenge – to eat pods filled with Tide laundry detergent – on YouTube. Insisting that they were much braver than any...

Abbas: “I Blacked Out, Did I Miss Anything?”

Abbas: “I Blacked Out, Did I Miss Anything?”

Tuesday Morning, a bleary-eyed, Mahmoud Abbas, stumbled out of his bedroom in his home in Ramallah, and asked, “I blacked out most of Monday, did I miss anything?” Monday saw the PA president go off on a fiery two-hour rant in which he lashed out at everyone from US President Trump to (surprise surprise) the Jews. A shocked Abbas explained: “It started with a few shots at lunch, you know, to steady my nerves, but then, before you know it,...

American Birthright Participant Takes a Break from Fucking to Learn about Israel

American Birthright Participant Takes a Break from Fucking to Learn about Israel

“I’m frankly a bit disappointed in myself,” sighed Ms. Berkman. “As a BSU sorority sophomore I should be expected to keep the alcohol fueled orgy going the full 10 days of the trip. I think the weather got to me.” Becca Berkman, 20, is a second year student and chairman of Kinda Jewish Sorta Supporting Israel Student Association at Big State University. It’s the seventh morning of her Birthright trip, and Becca unexpectedly finds herself listening to the tour guide...

Dave Matthews Immigrates to Israel

Dave Matthews Immigrates to Israel

TEL AVIV — In a surprise move, legendary musician Dave Matthews has decided to immigrate to Israel.  In an interview with Yonit Levy, the musician said, “This was a difficult choice for me, but this seems like the right time to be with my people.”  Mr. Matthews will move to Tel Aviv by year’s end. Mr. Matthew’s publicist elaborated on the decision to The Mideast Beast.  “It’s time that Dave returns to where he feels most comfortable.  Cut off jean...

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House Leaks: Trump “Pretty Excited” About World War Three

White House leaks have revealed that the President is currently “pretty satisfied” with the progress being made towards plunging the world into an all-consuming global conflict. He remains open to whether this is a good or a bad thing. In the minutes of a National Security Council that were leaked, National Security Adviser General H.R. McMasters expressed concern that the President seemed “a little too excited” about the possibility of World War III.  At one point, in trying to explain...

New U.S. Travel Ban Specifically Targets “Shithole Countries”

New U.S. Travel Ban Specifically Targets “Shithole Countries”

With the so-called ‘Muslim Ban’ being broadly challenged by Federal Courts, President Trump has been busy drafting a new travel ban, barring all people who originate from ‘shithole countries.’ What this means, specifically is not exactly clear. When asked in a press conference about which countries will be targeted he responded, “You know, like Paris, or like France or whatever…they can come, but they gotta take a shower first.” TMB asked which Middle Eastern nations would be affected by the...

Arab Leaders: Arab Spring “Much Cooler” Than Current “Persian Winter”

Arab Leaders: Arab Spring “Much Cooler” Than Current “Persian Winter”

“Our ‘Arab Spring’ was so much cooler than this weird new ‘Persian Winter’ the Iranians have come up with,” Arab leaders claimed Wednesday. “In fact, ‘Persian Winter’ is a total rip-off of the ‘Arab Spring’. This just goes to show that the Persians have been copying from us for millennia. Those asshats back in the Zoroastrian days were just mad that we invented algebra and astronomy and shit.” The statement was made at an emergency Arab League meeting in Saudi...

The Rebel Rabbi & The Long Awaited Israeli Spring

The Rebel Rabbi & The Long Awaited Israeli Spring

On this week’s edition of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone is joined by the Rebel Rabbi Chuck Davidson, who continues his controversial battle against the Israeli Chief Rabbinate dictating Jewish law when it comes to birth, marriage, divorce, and death. This Orthodox rabbi discusses his intent to destroy the rabbinical courts’ monopoly, perform illegal marriages, and his hope to finally be arrested for his crimes. His message is clear and in this episode he is talking to you,...

Khamenei Jr. Hopes Strip Club Tape with Yair Netanyahu Doesn’t Leak

Khamenei Jr. Hopes Strip Club Tape with Yair Netanyahu Doesn’t Leak

Leaked tapes of Yair Netanyahu’s strip club visits have led Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Jr., the son of Iran’s supreme leader, to fear that his own drunken escapades in Tel Aviv will be made public. The recently released tapes show the younger Netanyahu at a Tel Aviv strip club while heavily intoxicated. Though the Iranian leader’s son cannot be heard on any of the tapes, he is well aware that his own trip with Yair to the White City’s houses of...

Yair Netanyahu to Run for US Senate as Republican

Yair Netanyahu to Run for US Senate as Republican

Following the release of the controversial recordings of Yair Netanyahu boasting of his sexual exploits, as well as his father’s role in orchestrating shady deals with high-profile billionaire Kobi Maimon, Yair Netanyahu has gained support from the traditionally pro-Netanyahu GOP. The President himself even commented, saying that he saw a lot of himself in that very smart and humble young man. Critics within the Republican party say that the recordings, though indicative of the character of the party is not quite...

The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News

The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News

The Mideast Beast, a satirical news source, has confirmed that they will begin to focus on reporting real news.  This comes at a time when real news and fake news are becoming less and less distinguishable. There have always been some that think satire is real and real news is fake, but recently the number of people unable to decipher between the two is increasing at an alarming rate. “Why expend effort to write something that outlandishly exploits the hidden...

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invades Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Monday morning. Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah is stretched thin, being too busy in the Clown-Killing Circus, or Syria as it’s officially referred to. When The Mideast Beast asked how such a situation could possibly occur, the IDF Chief of Staff just shrugged his shoulders and...

Trump ‘Playground-Tweets’ Iran

Trump ‘Playground-Tweets’ Iran

As Iranian protests have intensified, President Donald Trump has been increasingly vocal in support of them, even taking personal shots at Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. On Saturday, he tweeted, “It’s a wonderful thing when university students in other countries protest bad leaders. This Rouhani guy’s obviously not a genius or even like very smart. Sad!” Apparently not satisfied with this jab, an hour later, he tweeted again, “I bet his approval ratings aren’t great like mine. Oh, and I heard...

Palestinians Call for Trump-Bannon Peace Talks

Palestinians Call for Trump-Bannon Peace Talks

Describing the ongoing conflict between the US president and his former chief strategist as “unsustainable,” Palestinian leaders have called for peace talks between Donald Trump and Steve Bannon. “With around-the-clock negotiations and compromise on tough issues, we believe a resolution to this seemingly intractable dispute is possible,” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas declared, adding emphatically, “We want this conflict to end!” Abbas proposed two rounds of negotiations. The first would deal with issues seen as manageable, such as Russia, Roy Moore,...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind most western countries despite all of the media hype. We’re just way, way, way behind.” “We want to create a...

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

ISIS Offers Anthony Weiner Asylum in Exchange for Contact Book

Admitting that the group had nearly run out of underage girls for its fighters, the Islamic State has reached out to former US Congressman Anthony Weiner, offering the embattled politician asylum in the caliphate in exchange for his contact book. The offer comes as Weiner, once a leading candidate in New York City’s mayoral race, faces possible jail time after he allegedly exchanged sexually explicit messages with a 15-year-old girl through Twitter. “Anthony, join us in the land of the...