‘Natural Medical Expertise’ Leaves Trump Thinking, “I’m going to Make Virology Great Again”

‘Natural Medical Expertise’ Leaves Trump Thinking, “I’m going to Make Virology Great Again”

People are preparing for wide-spread peace and reconciliation to break out across the Middle East once President Trump has some spare time from curing viruses with his ‘natural medical expertise’ I spoke with White House official Leonard Stevens. He said, “This explains a lot. First, we had Jared, who though remarkably lifelike for a real sex doll from the Ralph Lauren Summer Collection-19, didn’t really have any ‘natural expertise’ in anything except bad real estate deals. Stevens continued, “Then, there’s...

Taliban Blasts ‘Sexist’ US for Not Supporting Warren’s Presidential Bid

Taliban Blasts ‘Sexist’ US for Not Supporting Warren’s Presidential Bid

The Taliban has called off its peace deal with the US, saying that it could not normalize relations with such a sexist nation following Senator Elizabeth Warren’s exit from the presidential race. “Warren’s failure to gain traction exposed Americans’ deep-seated misogyny”, deputy Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar said. He also noted, “countries across the world, from Australia to the UK to Pakistan, have elected female leaders, but the United States keeps rejecting qualified women like Liz Warren in favor...

Israel Moves all Corona Related Research to Judea and Samaria

Israel Moves all Corona Related Research to Judea and Samaria

Israel has been known for some time as the “Startup Nation” but now it has also become famous for the nation with the strictest quarantine measures in place due to the novel coronavirus (COVID-19). In an unusual step, the government has reportedly moved all its corona vaccine research to Judea and Samaria, also known as the Occupied Palestinian Territories or more popularly by its Berkeley sobriquet, “Territories Occupied by the Rothschild-Funded Cabal of Zionist Apartheid Lizard People”. A spokesperson for...

Trump Claims ‘Win’ in Israeli Election, Vows Moving Israeli Embassy to Mar-a-Lago

Trump Claims ‘Win’ in Israeli Election, Vows Moving Israeli Embassy to Mar-a-Lago

Israeli Prime Minister Donald Trump claims to have achieved “the “biggest win of my life” in the Israeli election, despite failing to secure a winning margin in order to form a viable majority government. He appointed an unknown bureaucrat Bibi Netanyahu as his anti-corruption speechwriter and Middle East Director of Annexation. Prime Minister Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast, his second favorite Middle Eastern “fake news media” outlet after Al Jazeera. “Today marks a new approach to the conflict between...

Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops

Iran’s New Quds Force Commander Inspires ‘Meh’ Feelings in Troops

It’s been well over a month since Trump’s decision to play whack-a-mole with Iran’s exalted general, Qasem Soleimani. Since then, Iranian troops and Shiite militiamen alike are saying they’re having a bit of trouble adjusting to their new boss, Esmail Ghaani. Hezbollah troops were the first to raise some eyebrows about some of the new office policies that Ghaani instated, starting with travel expenses and being a stickler for having receipts. One Hezbollah fighter complained that he wasn’t getting reimbursed...

Bloomberg: How Does One Billion Chinese Compare to Losing Billions of My Dollars?

Bloomberg: How Does One Billion Chinese Compare to Losing Billions of My Dollars?

Michael Bloomberg did very poorly on Super Tuesday and the billionaire is now assessing whether to continue his campaign. There are speculations that Bloomberg’s alternative way of defining democracy might have had something to do with it. The Mideast Beast asked Bloomberg whether his recent refusal to call China’s Communist leader Xi Jinping a dictator might have backfired. “Well, I said that whether Xi Jinping is a dictator depends on how you define dictator and democracy. Personally, I don’t think...

Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe

Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe

Disney World is deciding whether to relocate from Florida to Syria after a sinking accident involving Disney World’s popular Jungle Cruise boat. The recently appointed and highly experienced Security Chief of Disney World, Dick Grenell, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Unfortunately, Florida has become too dangerous for our visitors. It is infested with man-eating alligators and I don’t speak Spanglish. Furthermore, Florida is the most unstable swinger state battleground between America’s two most dangerous people: Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders....

Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, Ocasio-Cortez Reacts

Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, Ocasio-Cortez Reacts

Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, recently gave a speech in Detroit in which he called the Iranian Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and former Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi his “brothers”. “Mr. Trump killed my brother Qassem Soleimani. Mrs. Clinton killed my other brother Muammar Qaddafi,” Farrakhan said. The Mideast Beast sat down with US Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) from the Squad for reaction. “OMG you guys, I am shook!” AOC told The Mideast Beast, “I literally had...

Anticipating the Rapture, Pence to Hold all Emergency Coronavirus Meetings in Jerusalem

Anticipating the Rapture, Pence to Hold all Emergency Coronavirus Meetings in Jerusalem

Vice President Pence has announced that forthwith all meetings of the coronavirus committee will be held in the new Jewish capital, just in case “this is the big one.” A spokesman for the Cabinet Member voted ‘most likely to ascend to the Kingdom of Heaven’ by CPAC four years running, commented, “This office is concentrated on reacting to this crisis by relying solely on advice from experts. By which we mean experts on the Old Testament. Who needs a virologist...

Joe Biden Speaks About Political Visions, Agrees That He Is “Creepy”

Joe Biden Speaks About Political Visions, Agrees That He Is “Creepy”

After Joe Biden’s win in South Carolina, The Mideast Beast sat down with Biden at his campaign headquarters for a talk about his visions for the US presidency if elected. “Well for starters”, said Biden, “I will save the remaining 150 million Americans who haven’t been killed by gun violence since 2007. We have a real crisis on our hands with more than half the population gone. Also, I would be the first president to appoint the first African-American woman...

MC Hammer to Lead Sanders’ Economic Team

MC Hammer to Lead Sanders’ Economic Team

Responding to criticism that his spending plan would result in a $25 trillion shortfall, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced he has appointed rapper and noted fiscal authority MC Hammer to serve as lead economic advisor. “It’s not a radical idea to say that every American deserves free healthcare, free education, and a summer camp,” Sanders said during a press conference. “But those racist, sexist billionaires at the Congressional Budget Office claim that my plan would bankrupt the country by my...

Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, AOC Reacts

Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, AOC Reacts

Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, recently gave a speech in Detroit in which he called the Iranian Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and former Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi his “brothers”. “Mr. Trump killed my brother Qassem Soleimani. Mrs. Clinton killed my other brother Muammar Qaddafi,” Farrakhan said. The Mideast Beast sat down with US Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) from the Squad for reaction. “OMG you guys, I am shook!” AOC told The Mideast Beast, “I literally had...

EL AL to Offer Corona and Non-Corona Seating

EL AL to Offer Corona and Non-Corona Seating

Israel’s national airline, EL AL, is set to be the first airline to offer Corona and Non-Coronavirus seating, in a marketing move that is looking revive its sales following the Coronavirus outbreak. The airline industry is struggling to deal with the outbreak of the Coronavirus that has made hurtling through the air in a pressurized tube with 250 other filthy people even less desirable than it was before. EL AL in particular is struggling as Israel is the first and...

PLO launches Hijack-Friendly Airline for Harassed Terrorists

PLO launches Hijack-Friendly Airline for Harassed Terrorists

The PLO has launched the world’s first hijack-friendliest airline for harassed terrorists. The European-funded planes will be painted in stylish keffiyeh checkered patterns with a picture of the smiling pacifist fighter Yasser Arafat on the vehicle’s tail. The PLO initiative comes after Dana Ghazi Mustafa, a North Carolina woman, was harassed and arrested by “racist” FBI officials after innocently stating onboard a United Airlines plane: “I’m going to stab everyone on the plane then kill myself. I’m Palestinian! That’s how...

Elders of Zion: “Only 20% of Europeans Believe Jews Control the World? We Really Need to Up Our Game”

Elders of Zion: “Only 20% of Europeans Believe Jews Control the World? We Really Need to Up Our Game”

A new survey has found that only one fifth of Europeans polled in a survey of 16 European countries, among them Austria, Belgium, the Czech Republic, France, Germany, the United Kingdom and Poland, believe that a secret network of Jews – the Elders of Zion – controls global political and economic affairs. The findings of the survey caused immediate consternation among the Elders. The Mideast Beast sat down with the Jewish cabal at a secret location to talk about what...

Iranian Anti-Semitism Virus Outbreak, Sanders Condemns Israel’s “Racist” Ayatollah Entry Ban

Iranian Anti-Semitism Virus Outbreak, Sanders Condemns Israel’s “Racist” Ayatollah Entry Ban

Israel’s Ministry of Health has imposed a strict entry ban on Iranian ayatollah regime officials contemplating visiting Israel. The dramatic move comes after Iran’s supreme leader ayatollah Ali Khamenei and most of his regime officials were tested positive for the anti-Semitism virus – also known as AsV-2020– believed to be even more lethal than the rapidly-spreading coronavirus throughout the Middle East Bernie Sanders swiftly condemned Israel’s “racist” entry ban on ayatollah officials in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “As...

Sanders: “It’s Unfair to Say All Genocide Is Bad”

Sanders: “It’s Unfair to Say All Genocide Is Bad”

Bernie Sanders, who recently defended Fidel Castro’s Cuba, sat down with The Mideast Beast at one of his three homes, for a conversation about things that aren’t all bad. “I always like to keep an open mind and look at the bright side of every genocidal totalitarian regime,” Bernie told The Mideast Beast, as he lovingly stroked his cat Milosevic. “I mean take Stalin for example. So he killed around 20 million people or so, and we condemn that, but...

Sanders Vows to Pardon Harvey Weinstein After He Launches Literacy Program

Sanders Vows to Pardon Harvey Weinstein After He Launches Literacy Program

Senator Bernie Sanders is calling for a pardon for Hollywood sex offender Harvey Weinstein after the disgraced producer promised to launch a literacy program for Los Angeles residents. The move came after Weinstein, whose abuse helped launch the #metoo movement, was found guilty on charges of third-degree rape and criminal sex act. But Sanders, who is now the frontrunner for the Democratic presidential nomination, said his commitment to improving literacy outweighed the accusations by more than 80 women of sexual...

Saudi Textbooks Upgrade Jews from ‘Dogs’ to ‘Monkeys’, Trump Takes Credit for Warmer Ties

Saudi Textbooks Upgrade Jews from ‘Dogs’ to ‘Monkeys’, Trump Takes Credit for Warmer Ties

President Donald Trump has taken credit for reportedly warmer Saudi-Israeli ties. It comes after it was revealed that Saudi school textbooks lovingly refer to Jews as ‘monkeys’ and teach Saudi school kids that ‘Islamophobic Zionists’ plan to take over the Middle East from the River Nile to the River Euphrates. President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast from his Mar-a-Lago golf course. “Honestly, nobody has better people skills than me. Half of America loves me, and the other half is...

Trump Says: No Other President Has Done More to Improve US Relations with God

Trump Says: No Other President Has Done More to Improve US Relations with God

An Iranian cleric in the Iranian city of Qom, where there has been an outbreak of the coronavirus, has accused President Donald Trump of “targeting” the city with the virus as part of the president’s earlier threat to strike at Iranian cultural sites. “The enemy wants to instill fear in people’s hearts and make Qom look like an unsafe city and to take revenge for all its defeats,” said Hojjat ol-Eslam Seyyed Mohammad Saeedi, the Friday Prayer Imam and Custodian...