Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor

Trump Names Greta Thunberg National Security Advisor

Acknowledging that his cabinet has lacked an element of righteous fury since John Bolton’s departure, US President Donald Trump has appointed 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg to serve as National Security Advisor. “I heard her give a speech at the UN, and God was she angry,” Trump explained as he announced the appointment. “I’m not sure what she was saying – something about a ‘climbing range’ or ‘pilot mange,’ I wasn’t really listening – but I wouldn’t want to...

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Shock as Arabs Don’t Back Netanyahu

Allies and friends of Prime Minister Netanyahu have expressed shock and surprise that Arab political parties, united under the Joint List party, have decided not to back their man in his attempt to continue his premiership and/or delay his visit to a local jail. A spokesman commented, “This really came out of the blue. I mean what have we ever done to upset those guys? We’re all scratching our heads around here. Do you think maybe they got the wrong...

Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51

Strange Glowing Light Proves Aliens Really Hidden in Iran, Not Area 51

Following what was supposed to be the biggest revelation of the century, millions of people following a Facebook event that pledged to raid Area 51 this weekend were disappointed to find out that the military base indeed held no extraterrestrial life. The United States Military released a statement following this weekend’s events to restate a claim they have repeatedly made clear: “There are no aliens at our base, stop messaging us on Facebook with your dumbass questions.” While many were...

Tiffany Trump Claims Responsibility for Saudi Bombings

Tiffany Trump Claims Responsibility for Saudi Bombings

After a week of Donald Trump focusing all of his attention on the oil bombings in Saudi Arabia, Tiffany Trump has claimed responsibility for the attacks in the fleeting hope that her dad might finally notice her. Tiffany, known by her close friends as “Not the Worst Trump” and by her father as “Who?”, confessed on Instagram Live to using a sophisticated combination of drone and cruise missiles to target the Saudi Arabian oil facilities. According to sources close to...

Zionist Overlords Proud of Investment in Saudi Oil Attack

Zionist Overlords Proud of Investment in Saudi Oil Attack

Following the alleged claims that Iran was behind last week’s attack on the oil production facilities in Saudi Arabia, the world’s Zionist Overlords admit that they, in fact, were the ones behind it all. “So we made a couple extra bucks on oil price increases, big whoop,” an Elderly spokesperson wrote in a tweet Monday night. “We never expected it to lead to Trump threatening war with Iran. That was just an added bonus.” In a tweet posted over the...

Saudis Plan on Reducing Oil Supply to One Really Expensive Barrel

Saudis Plan on Reducing Oil Supply to One Really Expensive Barrel

Following the spike in oil prices following the attack on their facilities earlier this week Saudi authorities have decided to simplify their lives by restricting the world’s oil supply to one golden barrel located in a secret facility in the Riyadh area. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “It’s been clear to us for some time that being the world’s largest oil supplier is just a massive pain in the ass. It’s a lot of upkeep, no one likes us,...

US to Attempt ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ in the Middle East

US to Attempt ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ in the Middle East

Noting that every action the US has taken in the Middle East for roughly seven decades has been wrong, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has adopted the ‘George Costanza Doctrine’ of doing the opposite of policymakers’ instincts. “Every decision we have made – who to bomb, where to invade, who to ally with – has gone disastrously wrong,” Pompeo explained. “We counted on the Shah of Iran to stay in power, we threw our weight behind the Oslo Peace Process,...

Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special

Democrats Call for Impeachment After Learning Kavanaugh Laughed at Chappelle Special

Democrats and liberal activists across the US are renewing calls for the impeachment of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh following allegations that the judge was heard laughing at a recently released stand-up routine by comedian David Chappelle. The special, called “Sticks & Stones,” features controversial jokes about LGBTQ advocates, the #metoo movement, and Michael Jackson. Shortly after the accusation was published in The New York Times, several Democratic presidential candidates released statements calling for Kavanaugh’s impeachment and arrest. “Brett Kavanaugh’s...

ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels

ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels

Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing them with fruity vapes. In this new operation, code named, Jihadist Ultimate Undoing of Lungs (JUUL), the insurgency group will be able...

John Bolton Joins Hamas

John Bolton Joins Hamas

Former National Security Advisor, John Bolton, is understood to have joined Hamas early today.  A press release from the organisation stated; “We’ve kept our eye on Mr. Bolton for a long time now and we were excited to hear he had been released from his contract by the Trump administration. We’ve been big fans since his enthusiasm for the Iraq war, well let’s face it any kind of war. I think it’s fair to say that we and many organizations...

Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out

Israel Joins World in Commemorating Attack It Carried Out

Yesterday, Israeli agents joined the world in commemorating the attacks on September 11, 2001. “I can’t believe it’s been 18 years since we managed to pull off one of the greatest terror attacks in history,” one now-retired Mossad agent told The Mideast Beast. “I remember how difficult it was for us to not only call but ensure that 4,000 Jews did not go to work that fateful morning. I remember how complex it was to both rig the towers for...

Assad to Send Humanitarian Aid to Bahamas

Assad to Send Humanitarian Aid to Bahamas

Calling it a “humanitarian crisis that even we can’t ignore,” Syrian president Bashar al-Assad announced this past Thursday that Syria will be sending humanitarian aid to the Bahamas in the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian. The move comes after the massive storm wreaked havoc on the island chain, destroying homes and infrastructure, leaving over 10,000 people homeless. “There is a humanitarian crisis in the Bahamas right now,” Assad said when announcing the move, “I cannot live with myself knowing that innocent...

New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success

New Jared Peace Plan Based on Sharpie Success

Not content with the awe that the unveiling of his first stab at a peace plan created, Jared Kushner (The Trump son-in-law voted most likely to be a real, live boy) has released an expansion of the plan. “You have to appreciate that the modern Middle East is really just a lot of lines on a map drawn in by Westerners,” he commented. “And well, if recent events have taught me anything, it’s that the Trump family loves doodling on...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was a Friday night and they were Ambien firing.” The council also defended...

Nukes Needed to Counter Pesky Journalists, Erdogan Claims

Nukes Needed to Counter Pesky Journalists, Erdogan Claims

Claiming that he could not continue to defend his country from aggressive reporting with conventional weapons alone, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan hinted that he may begin developing nuclear arms for his war on the country’s press. “Every other developed nation in the world has nuclear weapons,” Erdoğan said. “But we are left to battle hostile reporters with guns, knives, chainsaws, choke pears, racks, flamethrowers, iron maidens, and hot pokers.” While Turkey has become one of the world’s most prolific...

Assad Debuts Pumpkin Spice Poison Gas for Autumn

Assad Debuts Pumpkin Spice Poison Gas for Autumn

Looking to add a seasonal flavor to his war crimes, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will begin using pumpkin spice poison gas after Labor Day. “As a gift to the Syrian people, civilians hit with sarin, chlorine, sulfur and mustard gas this fall will detect a hint of sweet pumpkin,” Assad said in a public statement. “What better way to welcome the new season than to take in the scent of pumpkin spice with your last breaths?” Assad...

Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli

Egyptian Porn Star Refuses Money Shot in Scene with Israeli

In a snub that has inserted politics into the world’s most popular film genre, Egyptian porn star Muhammed al-Qadibi walked off the set following a scene with an Israeli co-star before the money shot. The act was seen across the adult film world as a serious violation of industry etiquette, as co-stars are always expected to follow each scene with a money shot regardless of one another’s nationality. Al-Qadibi, however, insisted that he would not legitimize Israel’s existence by ejaculating...

Americans Finally Accept Islam After Learning Muslim Politicians Also Lie, Cheat

Americans Finally Accept Islam After Learning Muslim Politicians Also Lie, Cheat

In a major breakthrough, a large majority of Americans are now comfortable with Muslims in public life after learning that Muslim politicians also pretend to be devout while cheating on their spouse with a colleague. The shift in public opinion occurred after Ilhan Omar, the first Muslim Congresswoman to wear a headscarf, was accused of cheating on her husband with a married political strategist who had worked on her campaign. Voters said that they were greatly relieved to learn that...

IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time

IDF and Hezbollah Have Been Faking War This Whole Time

Beqaa Valley, Lebanon — The Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and Hezbollah have been forced to admit their highly publicized conflict has in fact been a total fraud. An IDF spokesman confirmed, “Yep, the jig is up. The dummy soldiers spotted this week are really just the tip of the iceberg. In fact, the last decades of conflict have been faked through a cunning combination of the effects team from Industrial Light and Magic, truckloads of fireworks, and of course all...

Sanders Praises Yemen for Lack of Millionaires and Billionaires

Sanders Praises Yemen for Lack of Millionaires and Billionaires

Calling the war-torn country a model for the US in combating inequality, US Senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders effusively praised Yemen for having very few millionaires and billionaires. “In America, supposedly the greatest country in the world, there are thousands of millionaires and billionaires walking around freely, hogging all the wealth,” Sanders told reporters during a trip to the country. “Meanwhile, I have been in Yemen for days and have yet to see a millionaire or a billionaire. Talk...