Middle Eastern Observers Certify Russian Elections

Middle Eastern Observers Certify Russian Elections

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s landslide re-election complied with international standards, according to election monitors from across the Middle East. “In polling stations throughout the country, Russian voters were free to cast their ballots without fear of intimidation or retribution,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad said in a statement. “Votes were counted thoroughly and accurately by disinterested parties, and the results reflect the will of the people.” Egypt’s Abdel Fattah el-Sisi echoed Assad’s statement, adding that the leadup to the election also...

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mates right before their souls meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

AFGHANISTAN – Terrorist leaders are reportedly disheartened after learning that ‘SJW’ doesn’t stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior. “On the news, we heard how these students were harassing Jews on U.S. campuses, and how much they love Islamists like Linda Sarsour. They refer to these students as ‘SJWs’ and we just sort of assumed SJW meant Salafi-Jihadi Warrior.” Another leader explained, “But then we got confused because then they started saying how the hijab is a symbol of women’s liberation or how...

Saudi Arabia Planning Least Exciting Resort Ever

Saudi Arabia Planning Least Exciting Resort Ever

The Saudi Arabian government has admitted to being disappointed at the public reaction to its plans for a new tourist resort on islands in the Red Sea. One blogger commented, “So what you’re saying is it will be like lying on a beach in Dubai but without the two-for-one cocktail hour. Or like lying on the beach in Tel Aviv but with all the girls covered in black sheets. You’re not really selling this to me.” Another said, “I appreciate...

The Prince and the Prime Minister

The Prince and the Prime Minister

On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, we learn about host Alex Giles’s new bromance with the Saudi prince (listen to find out exactly which one it is). While Alex plans his future, host Molly Livingstone brings us into the present with a live siren drill preparing Israel for war. Is it fake news, or a bit too real? The Mideast Beast podcasts are available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! You can also listen to it here...

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Saying that he was determined to prove himself to be the smartest of the president’s children, Eric Trump has released a series of e-mails sent to ISIS leaders begging for a meeting with a senior member of the terror group. “My brother is all over the TV becuz (sic) he got to meeted (sic) with the Russians,” said one e-mail addressed to “Mister Bag Daddy,” an apparent misspelling of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s name. “I have to show dad...

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

In a bold move made in response to President Trump’s upcoming meeting with the North Korean dictator, former Secretary of State John Kerry has demanded Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un turn over all its nuclear weapons to the Islamic Republic of Iran. “If Rocket Man is serious about avoiding war with America, he is going to have to turn over all his nukes to the only person in the world that we can truly trust,” Kerry declared as he boarded a...

Trump Hides Stormy Daniels Non-Disclosure Agreement in Mideast Peace Plan

Trump Hides Stormy Daniels Non-Disclosure Agreement in Mideast Peace Plan

Looking to make sure that the document detailing his affair with the porn star never sees the light of day, US President Donald Trump has hidden his “hush agreement” with Stormy Daniels in his Mideast peace proposal. Trump has been searching for ways to release the non-disclosure agreement without anybody noticing. Given low expectations for his Mideast peace proposal, he concluded that the document has a good shot at being completely ignored. “Look, the Israelis and the Palestinians don’t want...

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

Taking the unusual step of defending its sworn enemy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has called a fairly recent NRA advertisement that’s still making the rounds, “a bit dark” for its dystopic portrayal of the United States. “Listen, we eagerly await the destruction of the Great Satan as much as anybody, and we believe America is the cause of all the world’s evil,” Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, told The Mideast Beast. “But the NRA goes a bit overboard. I mean,...

Cyrus the Great Rises From Dead to Protest Trump Comparison

Cyrus the Great Rises From Dead to Protest Trump Comparison

The late King Cyrus of biblical Persia rose from the dead on Thursday in order to protest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s “audacious and appalling” comparison between himself and US President Donald Trump. Cyrus the Great, known to Trump as “Cyrus the Greatly,” lifted his 2,500-year-old corpse out of its resting place in Pasargadae and addressed humanity: “Hear ye, hear ye, people of Millennial Earth. Let it be known through all the lands that my hair is not orange, and...

Bibi’s Off-Broadway Show Comes to AIPAC and Also There’s An Octopus

Bibi’s Off-Broadway Show Comes to AIPAC and Also There’s An Octopus

On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles pack it in on AIPAC, that friendly Israel loving lobby. It’s all about Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s off-Broadway (way off Broadway) one man show. What will Bibi say, and will it be another chorus of Iran, bombs, and BDS? Well, if Alex can stop ranting about his first world problems, and Molly can stop chastising him for whining about his first world problems, we may...

CIA to Change All Middle Eastern Codenames to “Mohammad”

CIA to Change All Middle Eastern Codenames to “Mohammad”

Following news that Donald Trump shared highly sensitive intel with the Russian ambassador and Russian foreign minister, the CIA has taken emergency steps to protects its assets in the Middle East. Documents leaked this morning via the President’s twitter account show that as of 4 am, all CIA assets in the Middle East were re-assigned the codename ‘Mohammad’. A CIA spokesperson responded to the breaking news by assuring the public that all necessary steps were being taken to protect CIA...

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Osama was a household name across much of the world. Everyone talked about him and...

UN Establishes an Agency for Refugees of the Conquest of Canaan

UN Establishes an Agency for Refugees of the Conquest of Canaan

Following the recommendation of the UN Commission on Human Rights, the General Assembly of the UN has voted to establish and fund another worthless agency – UNARCO – the United Nations Agency for Refugees of Canaanite Oppression. The agency will provide welfare, education and political support to members of the Kenite, Kenizzite, Kadmonite, Hittite, Perizzite, Rephaim, Amorite, Edomite, Girgashite, and Jebusite tribes who were victims of Zionist oppression during the conquest of Cannan by Joshua thousands of years ago. “We...

ISIS Advice To NRA: ‘Semi-Automatic Rifles Not Enough to Overthrow American Tyrant”

ISIS Advice To NRA: ‘Semi-Automatic Rifles Not Enough to Overthrow American Tyrant”

In an open letter to NRA President Wayne LaPierre, top ISIS leadership has expressed concern that AR-15s may not be enough to defend average Americans from the threat of tyrannical government. It reads in part: “Hi man, al-Baghdadi here. Just wanted to take some time out from running the caliphate to hit you with some truth bombs. I hope they won’t hurt as much as the 500lb Paveway IV laser guided bad boys that the USAF keeps throwing around. And...

Trump Rushes into Iraq Unarmed, Destroys ISIS

Trump Rushes into Iraq Unarmed, Destroys ISIS

Backing up his claim that he would have stopped the Parkland high school shooter, US President Donald Trump has charged unarmed into Syria and put an end to ISIS, saving countless lives. Calling civilians who fled their homes rather than fight the terror group “disgraceful,” Trump immediately left the Oval Office and boarded a plane for Iraq, parachuting into ISIS’s last remaining strongholds near the country’s border with Syria. Despite walking with a slight limp due to painful bone spurs...

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they...

Bibi’s Indictments for Dummies: Lowball Bribes, Germans, and So Far No Naked Ladies

Bibi’s Indictments for Dummies: Lowball Bribes, Germans, and So Far No Naked Ladies

If all the world’s a stage, then all the world leaders are on a big reality show to see who plays the worst (meaning best) villain. On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone sits down and tears down Times of Israel journalist Raoul Wootliff, to find out what Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu did to become our latest villain. With the looming indictments, Wootliff explains the cases, alleged bribes, and supposed crimes. Will this be...

Trump Declares War on Wakanda

Trump Declares War on Wakanda

President Donald Trump has announced that he plans on “invading and securing Wakanda” in the coming weeks. In a speech, President Trump declared, “Wakanda is part of the global Axis of Evil that includes Iran, North Korea, and people who don’t stand for the national anthem. Unless they surrender, they will be met with fire and fury the likes of which have never been seen before. Then we’ll bring them the best democracy. Believe me.” “I am sending our best...

Netanyahu to Dress as Inmate for Purim

Netanyahu to Dress as Inmate for Purim

Purim, the ‘Jewish Halloween’ begins tonight and the Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, is joining the celebrations. A spokesperson from the Prime Minister’s Office relayed, “As Bibi follows the news (and possible corruption indictments), he feels that it would be best to dress in prisoners’ uniform not only for fun but, you know, just in case. Speaking to a crowd of supporters, Netanyahu said, “Allegedly, it’s true that I betrayed the office of the Prime Minister and allegedly abused my...