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Khamenei Apologizes for Showing Penis During Zoom Sermon
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Khamenei Apologizes for Showing Penis During Zoom Sermon

Saying he had no idea that his camera was on, Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has apologized for revealing his penis during a Friday sermon broadcast on Zoom. Khamenei was giving his regular weekly speech on the evil of the West and the importance of supporting his regime, which has been delivered virtually since the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic, when...

Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons
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Assad Enforces Mask Mandate by Spraying Syrian Cities with Chemical Weapons

In a new move to enforce the new nationwide mask mandate, Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad announced a new plan to use chemical weapons as a scare tactic. The plan comes after the spread of the novel coronavirus across the country threatened Assad’s nine-year run as the nation’s leading cause of death. “It is a very easily enforceable solution,” said a...

Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invade Lebanon
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Israel Defense Forces Accidentally Invade Lebanon

In a seismic military blunder, and just prior to maritime border talks with the Lebanese government, the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) has mistakenly invaded Lebanon. In what was meant to be a large-scale military exercise in the north, the IDF rolled right through southern Lebanon and into Beirut on Sunday morning (GMT+2). Resistance was minimal. Apparently, Hezbollah remains stretched thin,...

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven
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ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing...

Americans Learn About Israeli Politics, Start Appreciating the Electoral College

Americans Learn About Israeli Politics, Start Appreciating the Electoral College

Sarah Wokey has long thought the system for electing American presidents was ridiculous, but recently the young progressive activist from Seattle had a change of heart. “I found out our presidential model is much better than the parliamentary system,” she said. Wokey said she has followed Israeli politics for the past year and a half or so, observing election after...

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement
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Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast....

Gal Gadot to Play Muhammad in Upcoming Biopic

Gal Gadot to Play Muhammad in Upcoming Biopic

In a decision that has angered both Muslims and western liberals, Israeli actress Gal Gadot has been cast to play the Islamic prophet Muhammad in an upcoming film about the founder of Islam’s life. The ‘Wonder Woman’ star and Israel native will don a fake beard to play the lead role in ‘From Medina to Mecca: One Man’s Journey to...

Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour
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Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour

The ever-active Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is still at it, this time taking the ‘Fight for 15’ to what remains of the Caliphate, demanding that the Islamic State pay a living wage of $15.00 an hour to its mujahideen (Jihadis) in Iraq and Syria. “These fighters work very hard, very long hours, in a very dangerous job, and yet they...

Biden Noncommittal on Launching Drone Strike Against Supreme Court
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Biden Noncommittal on Launching Drone Strike Against Supreme Court

Insisting that he did not want to see the question become an issue in the upcoming presidential election, former Vice President Joe Biden refused Saturday to reveal whether he plans to authorize a drone strike against the US Supreme Court. Since the death of Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Biden has faced increasing pressure to commit to taking out the...

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols
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Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it...

Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize
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Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize

After seeing his administration snubbed by the Norwegian Nobel Committee despite its role in facilitating peace deals between Israel and two Arab nations, US President Donald Trump has established the “USA More Tremendouser Nobel Committee” and awarded himself its inaugural peace prize. Trump, who had lobbied for the Nobel Committee’s honors before the World Food Program was ultimately awarded the...

US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan
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US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan

Despite promising to withdraw the majority of the troops stationed in Afghanistan at varying points during his presidency, Trump has ordered thousands of troops to remain in the country, due to increased Taliban presence.  While this decision may have had more detractors a few months ago, everyone suddenly seems very supportive of the decision. Most of the troops that The...

Hidden Imam Diagnosed with Covid

Hidden Imam Diagnosed with Covid

The Hidden Imam, a messianic figure in Shia Islam said to have been in hiding since the 10th century AD, has been diagnosed with Covid-19, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani told The Mideast Beast. The Hidden One is considered both the political and religious leader of the Shia people. In Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei rules in his absence until...

Trumps Blasts Jesus for Taking Three Days to Rise from the Dead

Trumps Blasts Jesus for Taking Three Days to Rise from the Dead

Calling the central figure of Christianity “really overrated” and “frankly not that tough,” US President Donald Trump bragged that it took him less time to recover from Covid-19 than it took Jesus to rise from the dead. “Everyone makes a big deal about this Jesus guy. ‘Oh, Jesus is so brave because he rose from the dead.’ Sure, but it...