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ACLU Calls for End to ‘Not Guilty’ Verdicts
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ACLU Calls for End to ‘Not Guilty’ Verdicts

Calling the outcome a “tool of white supremacy and oppression,” the American Civil Liberties Union has called for an end to verdicts of “not guilty” in criminal trials. The ACLU’s statement came following the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, who shot three men during a riot in Kenosha, Wisconsin last summer. The ACLU said that the trial had exposed a fatal...

Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! US Jews Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven
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Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! US Jews Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven

Hundreds of Americans have sought refuge in Israel as anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist fervor grows in America. American Jew, James Silverberg, has settled in Tel Aviv. He explained to reporters, “Things are totally crazy back home. On the extreme right, you’ve got these crazy racists screaming, ‘Jews will not replace us!’ And then they turn around and say they admire Israel...

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is

PESHAWAR — Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden over 10 years ago, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved...

Amnesty Blasts Israel for ‘War Crimes’; Israel’s Feelings Hurt
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Amnesty Blasts Israel for ‘War Crimes’; Israel’s Feelings Hurt

Following totally expected statements from Amnesty International blasting Israel for ‘war crimes’ – and accusing the 73-year old Zionist badass of ‘callous indifference’ regarding targets in pretty much all wars with Gaza – The Mideast Beast caught up with the Zionist pinup for an exclusive chat. “Look, I can accept that Amnesty thinks I may have been a bit heavy-handed...

Amid Tensions, Biden Sends Harris to Middle East to Solve Sunni-Shia Conflict

Amid Tensions, Biden Sends Harris to Middle East to Solve Sunni-Shia Conflict

Looking to ease tensions with his VP, President Joe Biden announced that he will be sending Vice President Kamala Harris to the Middle East on a very important mission to bring together the Sunni and Shia branches of Islam. The assignment comes amid reports of frustration from the Harris team over the VP’s role in the administration. Biden hopes the...

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Nominate Jimmy Carter in 2024

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Nominate Jimmy Carter in 2024

In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, leading Democratic leaders to ponder...

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024
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Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024

In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, leading Democratic leaders to ponder...

Supply Chain Shortage Forces Taliban to Buy Gross Adult Wives

Supply Chain Shortage Forces Taliban to Buy Gross Adult Wives

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Supply chain issues, which have been taking a toll in countries around the world due to economic woes, worker shortages, and shipping delays, have now hit the wife market in Afghanistan. The shortage is getting so bad, that some Taliban men are even settling for grown, adult women. It’s especially difficult for those men who only have...

God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’

God Adds 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out’

In a surprise announcement, The Almighty One, Blessed Be He, dropped his new commandment without warning this past Friday morning: “Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out”. This is the first commandment that the Chief Shepherd has released in thousands of years, but he explained that it has been in the works for some time. When asked what inspired him to...

Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’
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Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’

Some of the most ardent fighters of what’s left of Islamic State recently faced disappointment after realizing that ‘The Squad’ was not at all what they thought it was. They have since withdrawn their request to join. “For a moment, we thought that this so-called ‘Squad’ was pretty cool”, one disappointed IS member noted, while sitting somberly on the last remaining...

Israel Found Guilty
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Israel Found Guilty

The international community issued firm condemnation of Israel’s recent actions earlier today. An emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council was convened in order to issue a number of resolutions against the Jewish State. Member states accused Israel of being “inhumane,” and acting with “utter disregard for human life and wellbeing.” Israel has responded to these claims by saying...

Baghdadi Still Lonely in Hell as BFF Erdogan Remains Alive

Baghdadi Still Lonely in Hell as BFF Erdogan Remains Alive

Former ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is reportedly distraught after learning that Turkish leader Recep Tayyip Erdogan, rumored to be either dead or on death’s doorstep, is in fact alive and unlikely to join the jihadist in Hell for years to come. Baghdadi admitted to feeling lonely and unable to make friends in the underworld and said he had been...

Oscar the Grouch Announces he is Taking Ivermectin
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Oscar the Grouch Announces he is Taking Ivermectin

Days after Big Bird, Elmo, and several other Muppets announced that they had received the Covid-19 vaccine, Oscar the Grouch has revealed that he is unvaccinated and has started taking the anti-parasite drug Ivermectin to battle the coronavirus. After Big Bird appeared on a CNN’s town hall and discussed receiving the vaccine, Oscar joined podcaster Joe Rogan to talk about...

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields
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US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy...

Virginia Schools to Begin Teaching ‘Critical Trump Theory’
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Virginia Schools to Begin Teaching ‘Critical Trump Theory’

With Republican businessman Glenn Youngkin’s victory in the state’s gubernatorial election Tuesday night, Virginia schools have been ordered to begin teaching students “Critical Trump Theory,” a controversial doctrine that views all events through the lens of how unfair they are to former President Donald Trump. Minutes after he was declared the winner, Youngkin ordered school boards across the state to...

MLB Commissioner Declares Rockies World Series Champions

MLB Commissioner Declares Rockies World Series Champions

Despite the Atlanta Braves’ World Series win Tuesday night, Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred has declared the Colorado Rockies the World Series Champions following criticism of Georgia’s voting laws. Manfred has already taken back the Commissioner’s Trophy and will fly to Denver to present it to the Rockies on Thursday. “While the Braves technically did make the playoffs, beat...

Manchin, Sinema Leave Congress to Join Moderate Syrian Rebels

Manchin, Sinema Leave Congress to Join Moderate Syrian Rebels

Lamenting that there is no place in the US Congress for moderates, Democratic Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema have left the country to join the Syrian civil war on behalf of the moderate anti-Assad resistance. Sinema and Manchin, who had grown tired of constant pressure from the progressive wing of the Democratic Party, departed for Damascus early Sunday morning...

Sudan Celebrates Week Without a Coup

Sudan Celebrates Week Without a Coup

In what citizens of the African nation are calling a once-unthinkable democratic achievement, Sudan has now gone a full week without a military coup overthrowing the government. Residents of Sudan said they could not recall such a period of stability and expected coups to be a daily occurrence following the coup in 2019 to remove Omar al-Bashir and the subsequent...