China Manufactures One Arab, One Jewish Middle East

China Manufactures One Arab, One Jewish Middle East

In flagrant violation of international patent regulations, China has manufactured two Middle Easts in Chinese factories, one for Arabs and one for Jews. The dramatic Beijing initiative came after China recently announced a greater commitment to peace, stability and development of the Middle East. China’s Foreign Minister Wang Yi outlined China’s Middle East vision to The Mideast Beast: “It is clear to everyone except Western diplomats that Arabs and Jews are incapable of living together. At the same time, China...

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Lone Vote Against Jeter for Hall of Fame

Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Lone Vote Against Jeter for Hall of Fame

In an attack that the terror group hopes will put it back on Americans’ radar, al Qaeda has claimed credit for the one vote against inducting former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter into the Hall of Fame. Jeter received 424 out of 425 possible votes on Tuesday, leaving the sports world furious at the sole holdout, whose identity has not been revealed. But in a chilling tweet issued a day later, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said he was the one...

Anti-War Activists Pat Themselves on the Back for Preventing War With Iran

Anti-War Activists Pat Themselves on the Back for Preventing War With Iran

As the United States prepared to invade Iran earlier this month, many worried that the world was about to spiral hopelessly out of control. American President Donald J. Trump finally seemed poised to start another aggressive war of choice and finally fulfill his longstanding plan to destabilize literally the entire world. But luckily, the rules-based international order had a group of stalwart defenders who kept the mushroom clouds from blooming: the brave men and women of the American anti-war movement....

David Duke Accuses Twitter of White Supremacism after Farrakhan’s Account Suspended

David Duke Accuses Twitter of White Supremacism after Farrakhan’s Account Suspended

Neo-Nazi David Duke has accused Twitter of “white supremacism” after it mistakenly suspended and later reinstated Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan’s account. Believing he was interviewed by the KKK’s Gaza office, Duke spoke to The Mideast Beast. “I know racism when I see it. My suntanned brother Louie, who survived countless microaggressions by bigoted Zionist termites, is now a victim of Twitter’s white supremacism. It breaks my white heart.” Farrakhan who believed he was interviewed by Ilhan Omar’s Jihad-trainee...

Following Clinton’s Comments, Sanders Announces Skin Color, Sex Change

Following Clinton’s Comments, Sanders Announces Skin Color, Sex Change

Bernie Sanders announced on Wednesday that he is having emergency sex change surgery and high dosage melanin injections to transition into becoming a black woman. The announcement came less than 24 hours after comments made by Hillary Clinton in a new documentary were widely publicized. “Nobody likes him, nobody wants to work with him, he got nothing done. He was a career politician. It’s all just baloney…” Clinton said. “On a good day, my wife likes me, so let’s clear...

Obese ISIS Leader ‘Jabba the Jihadi’ Loses 300 Pounds, Hired as Subway Spokesman

Obese ISIS Leader ‘Jabba the Jihadi’ Loses 300 Pounds, Hired as Subway Spokesman

Recently captured Islamic State mufti Abu Abdul Bari (dubbed ‘Jabba the Jihadi’), who weighed in at more than 560 pounds (254 kilograms) at the time of his arrest, has dropped nearly 300 pounds after switching his diet to three six-inch Subway sandwiches each day. Subway has brought on Bari to lead a new ad campaign, making the jihadi leader its spokesman. “Subway’s sandwiches are jihadelicious – but they won’t blow up your waistline!” Bari says in recently aired commercial while...

US Evangelical Zionists Criticize Israel for Not Annexing Entire Mideast

US Evangelical Zionists Criticize Israel for Not Annexing Entire Mideast

John Hagee, US Evangelical pastor and chairman of the Christians United for Israel pro-Zionist organization, has criticized Israel for “losing its Zionist spirit.” The controversy follows a trend where pro-Zionist US Christian Evangelicals replace liberal US Jews as Israel’s main supporters in America. Hagee rebuked The Mideast Beast: “What is wrong with you guys? Trump moved the US embassy to Jerusalem and you are still hanging around sinning at Tel Aviv’s beaches.” Hagee voiced his disappointment in Israel’s government. “What...

Bloomberg Donates Fortune to Iran to Get Rid of Trump

Bloomberg Donates Fortune to Iran to Get Rid of Trump

U.S. presidential candidate billionaire Michael Bloomberg has reportedly donated his entire fortune to Iran to “get rid of Trump”. The dramatic donation comes after Bloomberg vowed to spend his fortune to defeat President Trump in the upcoming 2020 US election. Speaking to the Mideast Beast from New York, Bloomberg defended his unconventional strategy by mildly rebuking his fellow Democrat presidential candidates Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. “Let’s be honest, it takes far more to defeat President Trump than a feminist...

Israeli ‘Brainwashing’ Firm Misses Opportunity…

Israeli ‘Brainwashing’ Firm Misses Opportunity…

Online marketing firm The Spinner has admitted that on reflection it should have tackled anti-Semitism and Middle East peace before using its patented ‘brainwashing’ techniques on convincing wives and girlfriends to get breast implants. Co-founder, Elliot Shefler commented, “OK, looking back it’s clear that we may have wasted an opportunity to make the world a better place. But frankly it’s hard to see the big picture when you’re a tech company packed full of young men whose main experience of...

Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy

Alex Trebek Unphased by Bethlehem Controversy

Following the controversy over a Jeopardy question last week, a visibly aggravated Alex Trebek seemed intent on not letting his audience know that the dispute had not phased him. This follows the controversy where the answer to a question placed Bethlehem in Israel rather than Palestine. Some groups took offense to this, with Code Pink, which is usually such a reasonable group of women, responding by saying that the answer was “literally like the Holocaust happened all over again right there...

European Union Labels Jesus an Illegal Jewish Settlement Product

European Union Labels Jesus an Illegal Jewish Settlement Product

The European Union (EU) has decided to label Jesus an “illegal Jewish settlement product from the Israeli-occupied West Bank.” The dramatic decision comes after the European Court of Justice ruled earlier that EU countries must label all Jewish settlements goods. EU’s Foreign Policy Chief Josep Borrell spoke to The Mideast Beast from his Brussels office. “As the world’s leading human rights power, the European Union has a moral duty to oppose illegal Jewish settlement products from the Israeli-occupied West Bank. As...

Warren Claims Bernie Gave Her Smallpox Blanket

Warren Claims Bernie Gave Her Smallpox Blanket

As the feud between the two democratic presidential candidates escalates, Senator Elizabeth Warren now claims that Senator Bernie Sanders offered her a smallpox-infected blanket in an effort to push her out of the race. Warren’s allegation comes a day after she told reporters that Sanders privately told her that a woman could not win the presidency, a charge Sanders denies. Reached by The Mideast Beast, Warren said that Sanders also told her that Americans would never accept a Cherokee as...

Israel Offers Harry and Meghan Leadership Role

Israel Offers Harry and Meghan Leadership Role

Israel today upped the stakes in a potential new role for Prince Harry and his Canadian bride. A government spokesman commented, “Western Canada is nice and all, but we feel that the near constant sunshine of Tel Aviv would be more to their liking. And frankly we find ourselves in a situation where we are going to need a new dynasty pretty soon. Preferable one that isn’t likely to be seeing the inside of a prison cell, which is why...

Iran Appoints Michael Moore as Soleimani’s Successor

Iran Appoints Michael Moore as Soleimani’s Successor

Iran’s Supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei has appointed Michael Moore as Soleimani’s successor to head the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps. The dramatic move comes after Michael Moore recently apologized for Soleimani’s death on behalf of “millions of Americans.” Ayatollah Khamenei told The Mideast Beast that he is not fooled by Moore’s “insincere” condolences: “Michael has been eagerly waiting to replace Soleimani for years after a progressively declining documentary making career. However, the Islamic Republic appreciates Michael Moore’s extensive experience in attacking...

Iran Launches GoFundMe Campaign for Better Air Defense Radars

Iran Launches GoFundMe Campaign for Better Air Defense Radars

In the aftermath of a tragic incident in which an Iranian missile shot down a commercial airliner near Tehran last week, the Islamic Republic’s air defense force has launched a GoFundMe campaign to help them acquire improved radar systems. Military leaders say the new radars could help prevent similarly tragic incidents in the future by distinguishing military targets from civilian flights. Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif took to Twitter to announce the campaign. “The whole world has now seen what tragic, unintentional events...

International Criminal Court Hopes World War III Doesn’t Take Attention from Israel

International Criminal Court Hopes World War III Doesn’t Take Attention from Israel

The International Criminal Court (ICC) is urging Iran and the US to de-escalate their conflict, warning that the impending war is distracting from its long overdue plan to prosecute Israel. The ICC announced last month that it would investigate Israel for alleged war crimes in Gaza and the West Bank, saying that that nothing else noteworthy was going on in the world. But President Donald Trump’s decision to target Iranian General Qasem Soleimani has left little room in the headlines...

Iran Admits to Unintentionally Attacking US Baghdad Embassy

Iran Admits to Unintentionally Attacking US Baghdad Embassy

Iran has admitted that it “unintentionally attacked” the US Embassy in Baghdad in December 2019. The dramatic U-turn admission comes after Tehran also admitted that it recently accidentally shot down a Ukrainian commercial airplane just after takeoff from Imam Khomeini International Airport . Iran’s Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif told The Mideast Beast: “Iran unintentionally attacked the US Embassy in Baghdad. This human error happened due to strain and stress caused by the dangerous American adventurism in the Middle East....

Trudeau Apologizes for Airliner Full of Canadians That Hit Innocent Iranian Missile

Trudeau Apologizes for Airliner Full of Canadians That Hit Innocent Iranian Missile

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has issued an apology after a plane full of Canadians struck an Iranian missile near Tehran last week. The collision resulted in the destruction of an extremely expensive Iranian anti-aircraft missile, and also the deaths of 57 Canadians. Trudeau, the famously considerate leader of the most polite country on earth, said in a written statement that “it is completely unlike Canadians to run straight into someone that they see crossing airspace. In Canada, Mounties frequently have to...

White House: President Trump Definitely Not Bummed He Didn’t Get to Nuke Anybody

White House: President Trump Definitely Not Bummed He Didn’t Get to Nuke Anybody

The White House has released a statement assuring the American people and the global community that the president is satisfied with the conclusion of the recent round of violence in Iraq between the US military and Iran, and not at all bummed out that the he didn’t get to see what a nuclear ICBM does to a city. In a press conference, the White House spokesperson said, “The President wants to assure the American people, and the world, that the...

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

Iran on Golden Globes Attack: ‘This is Only the Beginning’

The Iranian Republican Guard Corps took responsibility for the devastating attack that took place on Sunday night in Beverly Hills via a social media account associated with the military organization. The tweet appeared on Tuesday night saying that “that this was only the beginning of the Iranian Republic’s retribution for the murder of Qasem Soleimani” Hollywood celebrities were devastated by the attack, especially after the diplomatic letter sent by the Beverly Hills Ambassador to Iran, Ms. Rose McGowan. Survivors surveyed...