Netanyahu: Record Number of Ministers Needed to Solve Record Unemployment

Netanyahu: Record Number of Ministers Needed to Solve Record Unemployment

At a time when Israel faces the biggest unemployment crisis in its history, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is finally ready to present Israel’s new government, the largest in the country’s history, consisting of 36 ministers and 16 deputy ministers. Members of the Likud party were squabbling over portfolios until the last moment, offended that they had only been offered minor positions or no positions at all. The Mideast Beast spoke to Prime Minister Netanyahu about the new government. “My policy...

Ayatollah Khamenei’s Jewish Roots Exposed, Considers Wiping Himself off the Map

Ayatollah Khamenei’s Jewish Roots Exposed, Considers Wiping Himself off the Map

Ayatollah Khamenei’s Jewish roots were recently exposed and Iran’s supreme leader is now reportedly considering “wiping myself off the map.” The explosive news comes at a time when Iran’s regime is fighting an uphill battle to suppress the true number of Iranian COVID-19 fatalities. The devastated Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast after being boycotted by Rashida Tlaib, John Cusack, the New York Times and the Daily Stormer. “As a respectable Jihadist Dr. Jekyll, I’m shocked that the big-nosed icky...

‘We Had Half the Population Covering their Faces Pre-Covid,’ Brag Saudis

‘We Had Half the Population Covering their Faces Pre-Covid,’ Brag Saudis

A new PR campaign celebrating the ingenuity and modernity of Saudi Arabia is bragging about its strict Islamic laws, which have required women to cover their faces for decades before Covid-19. “For so many years the West gave us shit for making women cover up, now all of these liberal U.S. governors are forcing even men to do the same,” Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS) told The Mideast Beast. “Thanks to Islam, we stay ahead of the curve,” he...

Vice President Mike Pence Reportedly Tested Positive for having the Spirit of the Lord

Vice President Mike Pence Reportedly Tested Positive for having the Spirit of the Lord

On Friday, it was confirmed that a top Pence aide had tested positive for having the spirit of the lord, Jesus Christ, inside her. While the Vice President claims to have had very little close contact with her – because she’s a female – those close to the VP have allegedly claimed that he has also tested positive for the lord’s spirit. President Trump has so far tested negative and issued an official statement on the matter earlier today. “I...

Mideast Expert Greta Thunberg to Host CNN Special on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Mideast Expert Greta Thunberg to Host CNN Special on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Looking to end the longstanding Israeli-Palestinian conflict once and for all, CNN will give climate change activist and Middle East expert Greta Thunberg an hour of airtime to lay out her peace plan. The network announced that the Special, which will air next week during prime time, will follow her appearance on an expert panel discussing COVID-19. Although she has never formally studied or worked in Israel or the Middle East, network executives are confident that she will have little...

Saudi Men Tired of Being Treated Like Saudi Women

Saudi Men Tired of Being Treated Like Saudi Women

The coronavirus pandemic has forced much of the world to re-think their social interactions; this has proven more difficult for some countries, especially the ones that haven’t changed the way their societies conduct themselves for several hundred years. In the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, men are complaining that since government restrictions were put in place, they have felt trapped and unable to conduct themselves freely in public. Men in the Kingdom have said that they are upset, and that their...

Evangelicals confirm Elon Musk’s Son is not the Second Coming

Evangelicals confirm Elon Musk’s Son is not the Second Coming

In a rare unified statement from global Evangelical faith leaders, they announced to followers and heathens alike that Elon Musk’s son is absolutely not the Second Coming of Christ. Despite principally believing that anybody anywhere could carry The Good News, bringing mankind redemption before God, they decided at a faith meeting last week to amend these core tenants to exclude the Son of Musk. “He’s just not it” said one pastor. “I mean, look, how are we supposed to follow...

Hamas and Fatah Mediate Peace between Trump and Obama

Hamas and Fatah Mediate Peace between Trump and Obama

A joint Hamas-Fatah delegation is heading to the US to mediate peace between President Donald Trump and former President Barack Obama. The Hamas-Fatah peace initiative comes at a time of tense social distancing between Trump and Obama on controversial issues such as the handling of Covid-19, swine flu, and “Obamagate”. Senior Fatah peace negotiator Saeb Erekat spoke to The Mideast Beast before heading to DC on his modest $403 million private jet, a “symbolic” European Union-funded gift to “alleviate the...

Assad: Defenestration of Russian Doctors “Brings Back Nostalgic Memories”

Assad: Defenestration of Russian Doctors “Brings Back Nostalgic Memories”

At least three doctors have mysteriously fallen out of hospital windows in Russia recently with two of them dying from their injuries. The doctors had been critical of Russia’s handling of the coronavirus and had spoken out about Russia’s lack of preparedness and PPE shortages. One of the doctors had reportedly been forced to work by the hospital, despite being diagnosed with Covid-19. The Mideast Beast asked Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who has just a bit of experience in the...

Evangelicals Disappointed in Low Covid-19 Casualty rate in the Holy Land

Evangelicals Disappointed in Low Covid-19 Casualty rate in the Holy Land

After initial excitement that the Covid-19 pandemic might be signaling the end of times, Evangelical Christians across America’s suburbs and non-coastal nothing-lands are disappointed. Less than 300 people have died of the virus in Israel and the Palestinian Territories. “I reread the Book of Revelation, and it just all of the sudden made sense to me,” said Gerald Flurry, a prominent evangelical writer. “A Chinese person eats a bat and then the seven years of revelations begin,” he said. Like...

Trump: “I Will Recreate the World in Six Days and Play Restful Golf on the Seventh”

Trump: “I Will Recreate the World in Six Days and Play Restful Golf on the Seventh”

In his characteristic modesty, President Trump confidently declared that he will “recreate the best pre-COVID world in six days and play restful golf on the seventh.” President Trump agreed to an interview with The Mideast Beast after being reassured that it is a real news satirical outlet. “The Book of Genesis says that God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh. To be honest, I suspect that God rested for six days because he allowed the...

Mel Gibson Transitions in Aim to Become ‘Miss Hitler 2020’

Mel Gibson Transitions in Aim to Become ‘Miss Hitler 2020’

Actor and director Mel Gibson announced that she has transitioned and now identifies as a woman, a move that came a day before Gibson declared her candidacy in the controversial “Miss Hitler 2020” pageant. “I’ve always kept the real me buried deep inside, but it’s time to stop hiding and let my spirit shine,” said Gibson, who will now go by the first name ‘Eva.’ Gibson immediately announced her candidacy for the Miss Hitler pageant, which features woman clad in...

Government Offers El Al $400 Million Bailout, if Airline Stops Treating People Like Farm Animals

Government Offers El Al $400 Million Bailout, if Airline Stops Treating People Like Farm Animals

The Israeli Ministry of Finance offered Israel’s struggling national carrier El Al a 400-million dollar bailout on Sunday night, and the company is weighing whether to accept the offer or not. If they decline, the airline will likely be broken up and sold off for parts. The trepidation about taking the bailout comes from the government’s stipulations that El Al must implement cost cutting measures and stop treating its customers like they’re unruly farm animals while in flight. Senior El...

Roger Waters: Zionists Rubbed Their Balls on My New N95 Mask

Roger Waters: Zionists Rubbed Their Balls on My New N95 Mask

Roger Waters claimed recently that members of Israel’s intelligence service, Mossad, broke into his house in order to harass him for his anti-Israel stances. Waters took to YouTube to claim that the Zionist regime was trying to terrorize him by breaking into his home and rubbing their balls on his protective mask. This wouldn’t be the first time that Mossad has been accused of this kind of mischief. Several years ago, an anti-Israel activist claimed that members of the Mossad...

North Korea’s Kim Jong-un Chosen “Sexiest Despot Alive”, Again

North Korea’s Kim Jong-un Chosen “Sexiest Despot Alive”, Again

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has won the People Magazine’s highly coveted title “Sexiest Despot Alive” once again. Jong-un narrowly missed the competition due to rumors that he faked his death to avoid Trump’s phone calls. “It was a well-deserved victory and the world narrowly avoided World War III”, the obesely hot North Korean dictator told The Mideast Beast. Unsurprisingly, Middle Eastern despots were less enthusiastic. Turkish President Recep Erdoğan who recently won the title “World’s Most Democratic Dictator”, threatened...

Boris Extends VE Day Nostalgia Trip by Offering to Re-incorporate The Middle East into The British Empire

Boris Extends VE Day Nostalgia Trip by Offering to Re-incorporate The Middle East into The British Empire

Last Friday British citizens enjoyed a second of calm and nostalgia amid the Coronavirus crisis as they celebrated the anniversary of Victory in Europe. Never failing to capitalise on national pride, Boris Johnson suggested an extension of last Friday’s 1945-shaped distraction through revitalising what made Britain truly powerful: its empire. Starting with The Middle East. According to sources close to the Prime Minister, his stretch in hospital allowed him to reflect on how Britain got into its current mess, and...

New Yorkers Invade Israel, Entire Mideast Placed in Quarantine

New Yorkers Invade Israel, Entire Mideast Placed in Quarantine

Israel is facing an invasion by New York immigrants who could potentially be tested positive for both Jewishness and COVID-19. As a result, the entire Middle East has been placed in self-imposed quarantine. The Jewish Agency, the authority responsible for immigration to Israel, issued grim statistics showing a 50-percentage increase in applications among New Yorkers seeking to move to Israel compared to 2019. Iranian Revolutionary Guards commander General Hossein Salami shared his concerns with The Mideast Beast. “Iran can easily...

Trump: I Built the China Wall, Corona-Commies Paid for It

Trump: I Built the China Wall, Corona-Commies Paid for It

Seeking to calm Americans, President Trump modestly declared, “The pandemic is history. I built a huge Wall of China and made the corona-commies pay for it.” Trump’s statement comes at a time of strained US-Chinese relations. The Mideast Beast spoke to President Trump in an exclusive interview. “To be honest, the coronavirus assault on America is worse than Pearl Harbor, 9/11, or even fake news questioning my unmatched stable genius. While virus-troubleshooter Anthony Fauci is clueless, I built the greatest...

Uptick in UFO Sightings and Cannabis Consumption as COVID-19 Quarantine Continues

Uptick in UFO Sightings and Cannabis Consumption as COVID-19 Quarantine Continues

The Great Coronavirus Quarantine of 2020 has had a variety of side effects. Some have been negative, which was to be expected. For example, a rise in unemployment and domestic violence. Others have been positive, like the massive reduction in carbon emissions and increased sales and consumption of medical cannabis. Since the mandatory lockdown began in countries around the world, anxious quarantined citizens have reported seeing UFOs and other unexplainable phenomena. An anonymous cannabis enthusiast from Tel Aviv describes a...

Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032

Sanders Proposes Plan to Restart Economy by September 2032

US Senator Bernie Sanders proposed a new plan to restart the US economy by September 2032. It is currently in the meltdown phase, suffering from a massive recession as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown. “Look, everyone needs a break,” shouted Sanders in a statement. “Give it 11 or 12 years. We’ll know that the pandemic is over, everyone will be well-rested, and we can start all over.” Sanders even argued that the plan could replace Universal health care, since...