ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

Previously united in their desire to forge a new Caliphate establishing their vision of ‘pure Islam’, ISIS has descended into acrimony over the contentious issue of ‘hair management’ in women’s nether regions. “The war with the infidel must be fought on every front,” declared Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, “even the awrah (Arabic for ‘hooha’) of the righteous. Do not succumb to these abominable Zionist practices.” ISIS soldiers, long known for their porn consumption, responded with disbelief. “Even a trim is...

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Not to be outdone by their North African counterparts, Hamas has declared a ban on plastic bags in the Gaza Strip. “We believe that this activism in the Gaza strip will help to alleviate the environmental impact of 70 years of burning tires and corn fields in occupied Palestine. We follow in the footsteps of the world leaders who made environmental protection a priority; Mahatma Gandhi, Theodore Roosevelt, Hermann Göring. You know all the greats.” A representative from the United...

Wounds of Terror, Laughter that Heals, and a Mr. Potato Head Fetish

Wounds of Terror, Laughter that Heals, and a Mr. Potato Head Fetish

Go straight to Sound Cloud for Kay Wilson’s amazing interview. If you faked your own death and survived, what would your real life look like after that? On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone gets in bed (literally) with Kay Wilson, survivor of a brutal terrorist attack. Clearly using humor to cope with reality, Wilson is, no joke, fighting against western monies funding terrorist groups, friending the supposed enemy, and admittedly still playing with Mr....

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...

PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists

PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists

The Israeli parliament’s decision to bring forward legislation to financially penalize the Palestinian Authority by the amount they pay out to families of terrorists, has led to a call for compromise by the West Bank leadership. “We get it, honestly. We understand why the Israelis might be a bit pissed with us for dishing out dollars to encourage more stabbings”, a spokesman said. “But, not all our guys are that bad, Zionist-killing aside of course. More than one of them...

Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh

Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh

Noting that nobody could be more radical than Trump’s pick for the seat, Senate Democrats are urging the US president to replace Brett Cavanaugh with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “I demand that President Trump withdraw his pick immediately and appoint a moderate, like [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad or al-Baghdadi,” Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters said after Trump’s pick was announced. “Now, I admit that I haven’t Googled Cabernet, or whatever his [Kavanaugh’s] name is, yet, but since Trump picked him...

Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement

Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement

ISIS signed up to the Paris Climate Agreement yesterday whilst at the same time criticizing the United States which, following an executive order issued by President Trump, withdrew from the accords. “We recognize that planet earth belongs to all our children and that it is our global responsibility to look after it”, the Islamic terror group said in a statement. “By all our children, of course, we mean only those who recognize our cause for Jihad. The infidels’ children obviously...

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Due to escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?” Despite heavy media attention on Israel, a deeper analysis has uncovered that the...

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again claimed victory at the polls, this time declaring himself winner of the 2018 American Idol competition. “I am humbled and gratified that the voters of this competition have chosen to reward me for my talents,” Erdogan said at a rally in Ankara, the Turkish capital. “This is a win for Turkey and a blow to its terrorist and Zionist enemies.” His announcement came two weeks after the Turkish leader claimed victory for...

Uncovered: Iranian General Self-Publishes Weather-Themed Anthology of Poetry

Uncovered: Iranian General Self-Publishes Weather-Themed Anthology of Poetry

Allowing the world to glimpse his sensitive side, General Gholam Reza Jalali debuted his book of poetry to a select group of Mullahs and Washington DC city council members on Monday. “In his welcoming he said, “For too long the Zionists have had a lock on literature. Philip Roth, Saul Bellow, that Anne Frank chick. Well now everyone can hear about my existential crisis.” The collection, entitled ‘First They Came for the Clouds’, owes its title to its first piece, which...

The Doctor is In… Scary is the New Sexy, or at Least for This Podcast

The Doctor is In… Scary is the New Sexy, or at Least for This Podcast

Click here to go straight to Sound Cloud to listen to the newest TMB podcast. He’s a doctor of terrorism, but that’s not even the terrifying part. On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast host Molly Livingstone gets in the mind of Dr. Matthew Levitt (his mom made us make sure we wrote DOCTOR), of The Washington Institute for Near East Policy, to discuss terrorism, countering that terrorism, and if this podcast is effectively doing both. Is Dr....

Trump, Netanyahu to Reaffirm Shared Values of Racism, Corruption & Nepotism

Trump, Netanyahu to Reaffirm Shared Values of Racism, Corruption & Nepotism

U.S. President Donald J. Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are scheduled to meet next month in Manila at a summit billed ‘Great Leaders Celebrating Great Common Values’. According to a statement issued by the White House, “President Trump and Prime Minister Netanyahu, along with other great world leaders, will participate in a two-day summit that will celebrate our core values, which can be broadly summed up to be whatever we think the braying base want to hear.” Netanyahu’s...

ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously

ISIS Threatens Mia Khalifa after Reviewing Videos, Vigorously

In a recent interview, former adult movie star Mia Khalifa said that she had been receiving death threats from ISIS and has seen photo-shopped pictures online of herself being beheaded. Khalifa made headlines in the past for participating in an adult video wearing a Hijab and has angered some over several Lebanese nationalistic tattoos as well as a Lebanese Flag on her body. An ISIS spokesman has expressed outrage over her actions saying: “I heard from a friend that these...

British Protests, Violence Mark 242 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

British Protests, Violence Mark 242 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans celebrate the 242nd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALs Ever Think About Them

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALs Ever Think About Them

During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALs still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALs hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump took office, they were looking forward to more midnight raids by special operations forces, but since January they’ve been feeling…...

Khamenei Turns Down SCOTUS Seat: ‘I Don’t Want That Much Power’

Khamenei Turns Down SCOTUS Seat: ‘I Don’t Want That Much Power’

Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has turned down Donald Trump’s offer for a soon-to-be-vacant seat on the US Supreme Court, calling the position “too much power for one man.” “I may be a dictator, but at least I’m checked by the threat of Western intervention or a military coup,” Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “If I took Kennedy’s seat, I’d be serving for life as the swing vote between two extremes in a radically divided country.” He added, “I might even...

Middle East Dictators Conclude They’re “Definitely the Bad Guys” At Conference

Middle East Dictators Conclude They’re “Definitely the Bad Guys” At Conference

In a world of constantly changing geopolitical alliances it can be hard to keep up with key issues. A particularly vital one being who’s truly awful as opposed to simply annoying; who’s more ‘North Korea’ than ‘Luxembourg’, if you will. Seeking reassurance, the dictators of the Middle East convened for a conference. Syrian President Assad opened the proceedings, saying that he was “pretty damn sure” he was one of the bad guys due to his indiscriminate and excessive use of...

REVEALED: Secret Diary Excerpts: Recep Tayyip Erdogan

REVEALED: Secret Diary Excerpts: Recep Tayyip Erdogan

18 April: Called a snap election today on the very reasonable grounds that I need to basically become more of a dictator than I already am. Maybe if I really smash it, I can get myself called Sultan or King or whatever and get myself a good harem going. Are harems still a thing? Make a note, must google ‘harems.’ 18 May: It’s been a month since I called the election and things are looking a bit shaky. My staff...

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to post as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch of white people outside the region who don’t know jack shit about the conflict apart from what they see on ‘nonpartisan’ news or Wikipedia,”...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Makes Bid to Replace Justice Kennedy and Overrule Travel Ban

Iran’s Supreme Leader Makes Bid to Replace Justice Kennedy and Overrule Travel Ban

Following the United States Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision to uphold President Trump’s travel ban, and Justice Anthony Kennedy’s decision to retire from the bench, Iran’s Supreme Leader is making a highly unusual bid to become a US Supreme Court Justice in the hope that he could help overrule the decision in a future case. Mr. Ali Khamenei now appears to be prepared to go to extraordinary lengths to reverse the ban and allow his citizens entry into the US. “As...