Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Claiming that the Russian strongman had promised an exclusive relationship, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly heartbroken to learn that Vladimir Putin has another asset. “I thought that what Vladimir and I had was special, and that carpet-bombing my enemies to oblivion was his way of saying, ‘I love you,’” a teary-eyed Assad told The Mideast Beast after seeing reports that US President Donald Trump is also a Russian asset. “I guess he just goes around dropping his bombs in...

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world it is indeed a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing a ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “You look at other world terror leaders, and all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible, organizations. In the name of Allah, what do we have to do to get that kind of respect?” Hamas is increasingly growing jealous of younger, hipper,...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to a World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on all sides...

Syria Just a Tad Uncomfortable with Americans Still ‘Hanging Around’

Syria Just a Tad Uncomfortable with Americans Still ‘Hanging Around’

Syria has confessed that it is finding it a bit creepy that America hasn’t followed through with its intention to head home following what was supposed to be a long weekend stay but has gone on just a little bit too long for comfort. “Don’t get us wrong, it’s been great having them here. They make a lot less mess than the Turks. But once we heard that they had beaten ISIS, great news by the way, and we don’t...

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately.  Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.”  Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups, Mansour recognizes that his case is most likely hopeless, as the world often has trouble criticizing the only country that...

Netanyahu Demands a Wall Outside Prosecutor’s Office

Netanyahu Demands a Wall Outside Prosecutor’s Office

In a dramatic address Tuesday night, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said he will shut down his country’s government unless lawmakers approve a concrete wall between his offices and the state attorney general. Standing outside the AG’s office in Jerusalem, Netanyahu claimed the wall was needed to stop a caravan of investigators seeking to harass Israeli citizens with  charges of corruption. “Without this wall, none of Israel’s citizens are safe from overzealous prosecutors looking to drive them from the prime...

Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group

Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group

Inspired by the success of the annual Tel-Aviv Pride Parade, closeted terrorists throughout the Middle East have decided to unite and show their true colors by establishing a new pan-Arab LGBTQ+ terror organization. “At first, we were afraid we would get our heads chopped off, or worse, our dicks. However, our long-standing suspicion that there is a large population of gay terrorists throughout the region turned out to be correct,” commented one representative of the group, who identifies as a...

Six People Blinded as Hezbollah vs. IDF Snowball Fight Turns Nasty

Six People Blinded as Hezbollah vs. IDF Snowball Fight Turns Nasty

An epic snowball fight between Hezbollah militants and Israel Defense Force soldiers over the weekend has left at least six young men sightless. According to a Hezbollah fighter who took part in the skirmish on the Israeli-Lebanese border, “It was all good natured at first but took a turn for the worse when a bunch of guys from ISIS arrived with metal poles and wooden bats. Next thing I know, one Zionist has me in a bear hug while another...

Trump to Demolish Rep. Tlaib’s Home Following Profane Outburst

Trump to Demolish Rep. Tlaib’s Home Following Profane Outburst

Calling the action “the only effective deterrent against this behavior,” President Trump has ordered the National Guard to demolish the home of Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib following her use of profanity and threat to remove him from office. Tlaib, a Palestinian-American elected to Congress in November, told a group of supporters that Democrats would “impeach the motherfucker,” referring to Trump. Her comments earned scorn from Republicans and irked Democrats who sought to downplay talks of impeachment. Within hours of her comments,...

Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”

Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”

With an estimated 400,000 deaths and millions of displaced civilians, the Syrian War has been at the forefront of the world’s consciousness and news networks. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went to war with the Taliban and al-Qaeda?” posed Assad. “Then after the Iraq war everyone...

Israel Defense Forces Agree to Adopt Bow and Arrows

Israel Defense Forces Agree to Adopt Bow and Arrows

After confirming that security forces in Cameroon killed a potential suicide bomber with a poisoned arrow, Colonel Bill Giles of the IDF’s Novel and Interesting Weapons Department, has confirmed that they will be testing the idea from next month. “To be frank we’re fed up with the international criticism that follows when we don’t give rockets a fighting chance to land on something important. So the new trial will have some of our soldiers with the strongest wrist action lined up on...

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Saying that the first-century preacher and possible messiah has been treated “very unfairly,” US President Donald Trump acknowledged that he is considering a pardon for Jesus Christ. “These Byzantines (sic) were really bad hombres, and they really treated this Jesus Christ guy very unfairly,” Trump said in a Tweet. “A lot of people don’t know this, but he was crucified by Puny Pontius Pilate. Sad!” Trump added that Christ is finally beginning to get recognition. The president was informed of...

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

The elite operators of SEAL Team Six have reportedly been deployed to the downtown Washington area in an attempt to track down an individual holed up in a confined space and raging against the injustices of the Western world. The special forces unit best known for bringing bin Laden to justice were apparently brought in as one of the final acts of outgoing Secretary of Defense, General Mattis. A spokesperson for the unit commented, “When ‘Mad Dog’ calls, we answer....

Warren to Campaign in Burqa After Learning She is 1/1024th Middle Eastern

Warren to Campaign in Burqa After Learning She is 1/1024th Middle Eastern

US Senator Elizabeth Warren announced the launch of her 2020 presidential campaign while donning a full burqa, an Islamic garment which covers a woman’s body and face, after a DNA test showed that she is nearly 0.1% Middle Eastern. Warren’s surprising move came after the senator and presidential candidate backed away from claims of Native American ancestry. Instead, Warren will now focus on her one great-great-great-great grandparent believed to be from the Islamic world in order to claim the status of...

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

In a rare call for restraint from the terrorist group, ISIS’ leadership has criticized the UK’s Labour party for its anti-Semitic rhetoric, calling recent comments and online posts from the party’s leaders “a bit much.” “Listen, we hate the Jews as much as anyone, but you can’t just go around calling for Israel to be relocated to America, or saying Hitler was a Zionist,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “You have to show some sensitivity. Hell,...

‘Real News’ Agencies Slam ‘Satire News’ Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy

‘Real News’ Agencies Slam ‘Satire News’ Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy

News agencies around the world are fuming at the existence of satirical news sites, claiming they are doing grave damage to people’s knowledge of the facts. Yet, news agencies that people rely on for information regarding global events, such as Fox News and CNN (among a slew of others), have a disturbingly high percentage of incorrect fact presentation. In other words, their bullshit meter is, at times, off the fucking charts. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, a BBC official in...

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls

Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they...

Israeli-Palestinian Consortium to Sell Trump Wall

Israeli-Palestinian Consortium to Sell Trump Wall

A Jerusalem-based joint venture has entered talks with the Trump administration to sell it the West Bank wall. The initiative follows repeated assertions by the President on Twitter that the wall is 99.9% effective. A spokesman for ‘Jew-Pal Barriers’ stated, “We don’t want to encourage cultural stereotypes, but apparently the guy is willing to pay $5 billion for this thing. And that buys a lot of goodwill, if you know what I mean.” “Don’t get me a wrong it’s a...