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Republicans to Give AOC Three-Hour Convention Slot
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Republicans to Give AOC Three-Hour Convention Slot

Calling it a travesty that the 30-year-old Congresswoman was given just one minute to speak at the Democratic convention, Republican National Committee Chair Ronna McDaniel has offered Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a three-hour slot at the upcoming GOP convention. McDaniel said that it is “crucially important” for voters to hear Ocasio-Cortez’s political positions and worldview given AOC’s role in shaping the...

Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home
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Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home

Following in the footsteps of boutique gyms like Barry’s Bootcamp and SoulCycle who are charging upwards of $30 for daily at-home workouts, Hamas has created its own series of Zoom classes for followers who want to exercise hate from the comfort of their living rooms. Although nothing can truly compare to the in-person experience of building fire-and-forget rockets with your...

“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19
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“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19

The United Nations today announced that, due to an abundance of hardships being placed on nations and the international community as a whole, they had no choice but to suspend “Never Again” until further notice. The prevention of genocide joins the growing list of compromises that the international community has had to deal with in order to fight the novel...

Assad: I Could Have Just Dismantled the Post Office?
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Assad: I Could Have Just Dismantled the Post Office?

Looking over the ruins of what was once Syria, Assad expressed dismay this week as he realized that he could have held onto despotic power by simply dismantling the post office. Although the murderous dictator would never openly admit fault, sources close to the former ophthalmologist say that he feels like “a bit of an idiot” this week after observing...

Once Again Jared Kushner Explains to Trump Why Campaigning in Israel Is a Bad Idea

Once Again Jared Kushner Explains to Trump Why Campaigning in Israel Is a Bad Idea

Jared Kushner, the President’s son-in-law and stock image model for future AI robots, reportedly spent the better part of the fifth afternoon in several weeks to explain to the President of the United States why campaigning in Israel was not a good idea, mainly because Israel has no electoral votes, and is a separate country. It’s understandable that the President...

Muslim Brotherhood Discourages Premarital Sex With Recording of Ben Shapiro Reading WAP Lyrics
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Muslim Brotherhood Discourages Premarital Sex With Recording of Ben Shapiro Reading WAP Lyrics

The Muslim Brotherhood were terrified this week when their fears of Western media promoting female sexual autonomy coincided with WAP, the catchiest song in a decade released by known infidels Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion. Although The Brotherhood worried that WAP’s unbelievably entertaining bass sample of “There’s some hoes in this house” would undo all of their anti-premarital sex...

Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds
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Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds

After claiming victory in a competitive primary with 57% of the vote, Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar said she is happy to learn that Jews’ mind control is only effective on roughly 40% of voters. “I knew that everyone in my district loves me and wanted to vote for me, but I was really worried that the Jews – I mean,...

Americans Jealous of Lebanon After Entire Government Resigns

Americans Jealous of Lebanon After Entire Government Resigns

For the first time since the fall of the Ottoman Empire, a majority of Americans now say that they are jealous of Lebanon’s citizens after the country’s government resigned this week. Those interviewed told pollsters they did not even know that getting rid of one’s entire government was an option, and that they now spend an average of six hours...

Trump: Was Lebanon Even in Miss Universe?
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Trump: Was Lebanon Even in Miss Universe?

As countries around the world continue to mourn for Lebanon following two devastating explosions on 4 August, and as they continue to do what all countries should do which is donate, Trump remained steadfast in his convictions to never help others especially if their Miss Universe contestant was forgettable. While other countries were quick to express their sorrow and grief,...

Trump Promises Palestinians a State if they Attend his Inauguration

Trump Promises Palestinians a State if they Attend his Inauguration

Criticizing the Palestinian people for their failure to attend his first swearing in, US President Donald Trump promised to create a Palestinian state during his second term if they attend his next inauguration. His statement came during an interview with Jonathan Swan, a reporter for Axios, following a question on his approach to negotiating peace between Israel and the Palestinians....

Hezbollah Mourns Tragic Loss of Explosive Material
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Hezbollah Mourns Tragic Loss of Explosive Material

Vowing to rebuild what the country had lost, Hezbollah Secretary General Hassan Nasrallah delivered a heartfelt speech Thursday marking the tragic loss of thousands of tons of explosive material during the August 4 explosion at the Port of Beirut. “Believe me when I say that nobody feels this tragedy more than me and my fellow Hezbollah members,” Nasrallah said in...

House Dems Force AG Barr to Swear on Copy of “White Fragility”
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House Dems Force AG Barr to Swear on Copy of “White Fragility”

While swearing in before a testimony has traditionally been done on a copy of the Old or New Testament in the United States, there is no law that requires it. Last week, during the House Judiciary Committee hearing, Democrats insisted Attorney General William Barr swear in on a copy of Robin DiAngelo’s bestselling self-help book, White Fragility. Radical young Congresswoman,...

BDS Boycotts Yosemite Sam
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BDS Boycotts Yosemite Sam

After years of pretending that his name was pronounced “Yo-sem-i-tee”, Yosemite Sam was finally exposed to the public by real-life cartoon villain President Trump for actually being a “yo-semite”. In swift retaliation against Mr Sam’s “sneaky” practices, the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions (BDS) movement called for a boycott against Yosemite Sam, and all other Looney Tunes affiliates, because not only are...

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus
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Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus

In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official....

BDS: ‘Fine, You Can Watch Fauda’
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BDS: ‘Fine, You Can Watch Fauda’

The leadership of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions (BDS) movement announced that even if you are dedicated to the destruction of Israel, it is permitted to watch Fauda. The decision was announced along with other allowances such as permission to use any Israeli-made vaccines for the virus, after they decided that its members were probably going to watch it anyway....

Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister
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Assad Names Ellen DeGeneres Interior Minister

Looking to crush the last bit of resistance to his continued rule, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad has brought on talk show host Ellen DeGeneres as interior minister to keep the country’s Sunni majority in line. Assad made the appointment after reading about the strong hand DeGeneres took towards staff on her TV show. “I need someone who will rule with...