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Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone
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Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Following weeks of dropped calls and slow Internet access, as well as several failed attempts at acquiring the latest iPhone 6, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has called off the establishment of an Islamic State due to poor cellphone reception near the Syrian-Iraqi border. “In my haste to establish a safe haven for jihadists and a model society living under...

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

It’s election time in Israel again, and Benjamin Netanyahu is hoping to replicate the recent US elections, where only a third of the electorate participated. Netanyahu’s political advisors are white boarding strategies to replicate the same voter apathy in Israel, an apparent silver-bullet for winning elections for conservatives. “We currently get about 70% voter participation,” Netanyahu said. “That’s way too...

Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist

Arab League Decree: Israelis Do Not Exist

In a bizarre twist today the Arab League voted almost unanimously to extend their ‘Israel does not exist’ policy beyond the government. In a statement to the press earlier today the League stated, “If Israel doesn’t exist, then it follows logically that people from there don’t exist either. We will return to business with this conclusion in mind.” This decision...

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher was accidentally nominated U.S. Secretary of Defense yesterday as the result of a White House back-office mistake. The nomination was supposed to go to Pentagon veteran Ashton Carter, but a low-level white house intern added Kutcher’s name instead. “What kind of parents name their kid Ashton?” the intern asked. “Who would’ve thought there were actually two Ashtons in...

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace
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Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here...

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

In response to the ongoing series of protests and civil disorder the United Nations has drafted a resolution acknowledging the sovereignty of Ferguson, Missouri. “We used to kick ass and take names. But over the last few months, the United Nations has become like the smart, quiet chick in high school. Lots to say but no one’s listening since she’s not screwing...

Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert
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Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert

Hard partying senior level diplomats in Vienna have brought the Iranian nuclear talks to a screeching halt. An outbreak of laryngitis has been diagnosed as causing the sudden derailment of negotiations over Iran’s atomic ambitions. On Saturday night, British Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond and French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius were seen slam dancing during ’80s night at Fledermaus, one of...

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?
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Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one...

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”
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UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle...

Major BDS Victory: Texas Town Changes Name from ‘Hebron’ to ‘Palestine’

Major BDS Victory: Texas Town Changes Name from ‘Hebron’ to ‘Palestine’

Hebron, Texas has changed its name to ‘Palestine’ following pressure from an international campaign to boycott the town and steal the hubcaps off its residents’ Ford pickup trucks. Sammy Sarraf, a spokesperson for the Free Palestine Boycott, Divestment and Sanction Movement (BDS), told The Israeli Daily that the decision of Hebron, located in Collin and Denton counties with a population of 415,...

Conservative Rabbi Converting Every Thing He Sees

Conservative Rabbi Converting Every Thing He Sees

In a scene which aroused smug smiles from the Orthodox Rabbinate and shock and horror from his colleagues, Rabbi Louis Bluck of Ft. Lauderdale’s Congregation Beit Hazerie was seen converting any gentile on which he could lay hands. “I was just coming out after a nosh,” reported witness Herb Rappaport. “And there’s Rabbi Bluck on Sterling Place converting this Latin...

ISIS Super Excited about the iPhone 6

ISIS Super Excited about the iPhone 6

In the weeks after the iPhone 6® launch, ISIS militants are super-excited about using the new technology. “It’s such a beautiful phone! ” exclaimed an ISIS militant getting into his Jeep®. “The camera quality on the iPhone 6® is unmatched! We can record an HD video of one of our head-removing sessions, and immediately upload it onto YouTube®, Facebook®, and Twitter®...

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift
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CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed...

Mobile Networks Outage Causes Everyone to Lose Their Collective Shit
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Mobile Networks Outage Causes Everyone to Lose Their Collective Shit

Thursday afternoon saw a widespread hush descend across Israel for several hours, the cause of which was blamed on faulty cellular towers. A beefed up police presence and a rising sense of panic and uncertainty led to some comparisons with a standard terrorist attack with numerous people admitted to hospital rooms out of shock and a sudden mass onset of tinnitus....

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas has found himself in hot water recently as revelations regarding his investment portfolio were inadvertently made public through a glitch in his online trading account. Abbas apparently has investments in pork futures and a heavy stake in SodaStream®.  The transaction report – obtained by The Israeli Daily – reveals a pattern of aggressive investing in exclusively...

After GOP Victory, Netanyahu Horrified to Learn Obama Still President

After GOP Victory, Netanyahu Horrified to Learn Obama Still President

After the Republican rout on Tuesday, in which the GOP took over the Senate and increased their majority in the House of Representatives, Israeli officials were shocked and dismayed to learn that President Barack Obama will remain in office for another two years. “Prime Minister Netanyahu called the White House to congratulate Mitch McConnell on his election to the highest...

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

Secret UN communiques passed to The Mideast Beast have revealed that Egypt and Israel came close to renewed conflict last week due to the over exuberance of some of the peacekeepers posted to the Multinational Force & Observers operating in the Sinai peninsula. According to the communiques Indian soldiers posted as part of the force were able to sneak in a...

ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd
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ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd

Members of a Congolese mob which stoned to death a suspected ISIS member then ate him have confirmed that irony is alive and well in sub-Sahara Africa. Baba Booboo, a member of the crowd commented, “Pork, definitely pork. Not the best BBQ I’ve ever had, but to be fair cooking conditions were not ideal, what with the general ugly mood...

MTV to pick up #RichKidsOfTeheran as their latest reality show

MTV to pick up #RichKidsOfTeheran as their latest reality show

MTV have recently confirmed that production of #RichKidsOfTeheran is now in progress, as the producers are fresh out of ideas when it comes to airing any more preposterous and shallow reality shows and admit that perhaps it is time to ‘walk the Red Line,’ as the show is ‘likely to be bombastic.’ #RichKidsOfTeheran is targeted at the Middle Eastern teen...

Iron Dome to Sell Naming Rights to Make up Monetary Losses from Last War
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Iron Dome to Sell Naming Rights to Make up Monetary Losses from Last War

Israel’s Head of Military Operations, Tomer Shalom, admitted today that the Iron Dome, Israel’s air defense system, has officially run out of funding and is now selling its naming rights to make up for the seriously-fucking-insane monetary losses suffered during the recent war. It is understood that the two strongest contenders are currently WAZE and Electra, both of which promise to...