Archives
Bernie Sanders Quits Democratic Party, Takes Socialist Revolution on the Road
Senator Bernie Sanders has quit the Democratic Party and is channeling his political revolution in a new direction: The Middle East. “Like me, Hamas made its name by fighting for socialist values, among others, equal treatment of the poor and fighting the bourgeoisie. But, much like the Democratic Party establishment in the United States, Hamas’s leaders have grown fat and corrupt...
Syrian President offers Amnesty to Millions of Undocumented Immigrants Living in the U.S.
On Thursday, Syrian President Bashar Assad, offered amnesty to approximately 11 million undocumented workers and their families currently residing in the United States. “More than 4.5 million refugees have fled Syria. My country is emptying out faster than a keg of shitty beer at a frat party. Anyone with a strong back and love for the great outdoors is welcome. While we can’t...
Liberal Arab Activists Withdraw Their Calls for Democracy Following Trump Nomination
CAIRO — As Donald Trump won enough delegates to become the Republican presidential nominee last week, liberal activists from across the Arab world have retracted their longstanding demand that their countries adopt democratic rule. “For years, I have been calling for democratic elections and for the will of the people to prevail,” Saudi blogger Raif Badawi told The Mideast Beast. “Now, with Mr....
It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon
ISIS member, Mohammed Abdulrahman had been playing Pokémon GO when he stumbled upon a Mr. Mime in the ISIS occupied territory of Mosul. “I was hoping to catch a Pikachu. I was pretty disappointed to find it was this annoying Pokémon.” After watching it flail his hands and yell ‘Mr. Mime’ over and over, Mohammed reported the psychic Pokémon to...
Bernie Bros Look to Game of Thrones to Find Appropriate Punishment for Debbie Wasserman Schultz
Outgoing Democratic National Committee Chairwoman and cup of undercooked Ramen noodles Debbie Wasserman Schultz has been heavily criticized after wikileaks published proof that she and the DNC undermined Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign. After Wasserman Schultz announced her resignation, Bernie’s campaign manager Jeff Weaver told reporters that “Today the voices of Bernie Sanders supporters have been heard. It’s hard to miss...
John Kerry: “Air Conditioners as Big a Threat as ISIS”; ISIS Declares War on ACs
WASHINGTON D.C. — Following Secretary of State John Kerry’s statement that air conditioners are as big a threat to life as we know it as ISIS, the militant group has declared war on all electrical equipment that makes the air inside a building, room, or vehicle colder. “Air conditioners are causing glaciers in the Arctic to melt, sea levels to rise, and Jewish women to breed uncontrollably. We all have to...
Following Mass Attack in Nice, France Declares War on Trucks
Under mounting pressure to increase security since the tragic terrorist attack last week that left 84 people dead, the French government has launched an all-out war on trucks. “When it comes to combating terrorism, we’ve been accused of being as ineffective as Elton John in bed with three Playboy Playmates. But that stops here as I launch an operation that will...
ISIS Asks, “Is ‘Duck Dynasty’ a Real Thing?”
Senior ISIS leaders have been seeking confirmation on whether “Duck Dynasty” is something that people actually watch, or just some elaborate prank that they just aren’t getting. Abu al-Masri, a professional head separator with the organization, was clearly confused, “We’ve had a few set backs lately, but the upside has been a little more time to catch up on our...
Lower Than Normal Terror Stats Prompt Immediate Promise of More Hell
Low Suicide Bombing numbers this past Ramadan have led to a call for an emergency meeting between terrorist organizations belonging to the United Jihad Nations BAHHL SAQ (Boko Haram, Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic State, Shabaab/Al-Qa’ida) in order to step up their coordination’s on unleashing chaos and misery across the Middle East. “The death toll was simply not high...
“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa
With the phenomenon of Pokémon Go capturing the world’s attention, Saudi Arabia took a quick breather from banning women from driving, men from being too handsome, and dogs from participating in beauty pageants to focus on what’s really important: reviving their 2001 fatwa on Pokémon. “Rattata, Primeape, and Tepig are clearly Zionist Jews!” declared leading member of the General Secretariat of...
ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’
Admitting that he “may have been wrong about America,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly renounced Islam after top Saudi clerics issued a fatwa banning the playing of the hit iPhone game ‘Pokemon Go.’ “After three years of wandering around the desert in mind-numbing boredom looking for infidels to behead, Pokemon Go was a welcome relief for me and...
Kim Kardashian Becomes World’s Foremost Investigative Journalist, US Govt. Quakes in Fear
HOLLYWOOD, CA — 2016 has been a year of political turmoil, terrorism, and unexpected Brexits, but perhaps the most shocking development yet came on Sunday evening when Kim Kardashian-West became the world’s foremost investigative journalist. Kardashian-West, previously best known for being attached to an amazing, albeit a gi-fucking-gantic ass (her own) and an awful one (her husband Kanye West) released...
GOP Supporters Confuse Party Platform with Muslim Brotherhood Doctrine
Cleveland OH — A local Muslim Brotherhood affiliate has been handing out their organization’s Charter across the street from the Republican National Convention. The document has been enthusiastically received as scores of attendees have apparently confused it for the 2016 GOP platform. A delegate from South Dakota talked to The Mideast Beast shortly after receiving the document. He was “very...
World Astonished as Turkey Comes Home to Roost in Chicken Coup
ISTANBUL — The ‘chicken coup’, as the most recent Turkish government overthrow attempt has come to be called, has left the world confused and angry in a way that it hasn’t been since the end of the movie Inception. It’s the uncertainty that’s making everyone nervous, as no one seems to know what the repercussions of such a failure will be...
Gollum Sues Turkish Doctor for Comparing him to Erdogan
“Lord of the Rings” character Gollum has filed a lawsuit against a Turkish doctor over a series of images comparing Gollum to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. “Being compared to Mr. Erdogan has personally and libelously defamed my character,” Gollum told The Mideast Beast. “We may both be hideous villains obsessed with attaining power at all cost, but at least...
US Government: Travelers to Mideast Should Dress Like Famous American Muslims
At a time when foreigners in Western garb are being targeted for deadly attacks by the Islamic State and other militant groups, the US State Department has advised citizens visiting the Arab World to dress like prominent American Muslims. “All douchebags are urged to stop wearing Crocs, fanny packs, schlumpy t-shirts, baseball caps worn backwards and North Face jackets. You...
Citing Need for ‘Safe Space,’ Turkey’s President to Attend College in U.S.
Saying that he had finally found a group of people as thin-skinned and hysterical as himself, Turkish President Recep Tayyib Erdogan announced this week that he would be leaving Turkey and attending college on an American campus. “I always thought that I was alone in believing anyone who hurt my feelings with microaggressions should be locked up or killed, and...
Turkish President Annoyed He Has to Pretend to Believe in Democracy Again
ANKARA — Saying he thought he was done “with this whole democracy shit,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan expressed annoyance over being forced to urge supporters to “defend democracy” following a coup attempt by groups within the Turkish military. “I’ve spent the last 13 fucking years pretending to believe in democracy. I thought that now that I had banned all...
Gingrich Demands ‘Sharia Law’ Test be Given to Indiana Gov. Mike Pence
WASHINGTON D.C. — Saying it was “highly likely” that the Indiana governor had been radicalized and should immediately be deported, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich demanded Mike Pence, recently named as Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump’s running mate, be tested to see if he believes in Sharia Law. “Western civilization is at war, and we can’t afford to...
50 Cent to Headline Saudi Arabia’s First Gay Pride Parade to Pay Off Debt
LOS ANGELES — 50 Cent has reached a bankruptcy deal that will require him to pay out $23 million to his creditors over the next five years. In order to help pay that debt, he has confirmed that he will be performing in the first-ever gay pride festival in Saudi Arabia, despite his long history of anti-gay comments, such as...