American Association of University Professors Votes to Replace ‘Middle East’

American Association of University Professors Votes to Replace ‘Middle East’

In an attempt to connect with chronically glassy eyed college students, the largest organization of professors in the United States is combatting declining interest in Middle East studies by changing the name of the region. “Today’s pop culturally savvy, sex-saturated undergraduates are tuning out of any programs that contain the term ‘Middle East’. Aspiring potheads around the country believe that the entire region is a figment of their parents’ imagination. ‘Middle of what? East of where?’ I hate my father. You have any Cheetos?’...

Jews Brace For Stupidly Long Holiday Because Ancient Jews Weren’t Very Good At Making Calendars

Jews Brace For Stupidly Long Holiday Because Ancient Jews Weren’t Very Good At Making Calendars

Today, Diaspora Jews live in constant fear of what are called, “two day yontifs.” During these two-day holiday periods, many Jews are unable to use electronic devices or cars due to religious restrictions. The odd part of this practice is that by the nature of signifying historic events, Jewish holidays should take place on a single day. So where the hell does the idea that, “if one day is good, two must be better” come from? The idea behind dreaded...

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

Business titan and inventor Elon Musk has applied his out-sized intellect to the millennia-long problems plaguing the Middle East, announcing through a spokesperson that he has a plan to eliminate “all strife in the Middle Eastern part of the world,” by Christmas. “Mr. Musk has been mulling this issue for some time now,” said one of his spokespeople.  “Mr. Musk is waaaay fucking smart, so listening to him is always profitable, except for that whole Tesla electric car thing. That sucked, but PayPal...

Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”

Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”

Disarray descended in Switzerland following Ayatollah Khamenei’s surprise speech in which he insisted on Iran’s need for nuclear weapons to fight “that nose-less killer robot, Ultron.” The tearful supreme leader explained that he’d previously been unaware of the danger posed by the “mechanical murderer.” “Last night I walked in on my grandsons watching television. At first I thought it was a bootlegged western movie, which would of course be haram. However they explained to me that it was the BBC.”...

Opening US airspace will lead to ‘rain of terrorists’

Opening US airspace will lead to ‘rain of terrorists’

US airline bosses are warning that an open skies agreement allowing non-US airlines to operate domestically within the US is the biggest terrorist threat since 9/11. “You let non-US airlines to operate here and that means that you have to let the Middle Eastern ones in,” cautioned, aviation analyst Michael J Preston. “That means it’s going to be literally raining terrorists. I’ve been at JFK when some of those flights come in and it’s easier to count the guys without...

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

A human being from the UN Human Rights Council has chastised Israel for not sharing its air defense system technology with Hamas. “Has war not always been the realm of fairness? Well, this is just unfair. What we witnessed last summer was the Israelis waging genocide against people that they force to live in tunnels. Though if we’re being honest, I’m not exactly sure what genocide really means. I’ll have to consult with Penelope Cruz on that.” Nevertheless, Israel has agreed, albeit reluctantly, to transfer a...

Netanyahu Offers Former Foreign Minister the Right to Deflower Virgin Brides to Join Coalition

Netanyahu Offers Former Foreign Minister the Right to Deflower Virgin Brides to Join Coalition

Despite his embarrassment at admitting he watched a late-night rebroadcast of Mel Gibson’s Braveheart, Prime Minister Netanyahu today described his plans to offer Avigdor Lieberman Jus Primae Noctis – a medieval lord’s right to deflower a bride on her wedding night – if the former foreign minister agrees to join Likud’s shaky 61 seat coalition. “Look it is not as if I am a fan of that anti-Semite Gibson,” Netanyahu explained, “but you have to agree the fucker knows how...

Obama Vows To Stand With, Awkwardly Sip Drink Next To, Israel At UN General Assembly

Obama Vows To Stand With, Awkwardly Sip Drink Next To, Israel At UN General Assembly

Despite increasingly strained relations between Israel and the United States, President Obama announced today that he would not abandon the Jewish State. Well, not entirely anyway. The President made clear that with the reelection of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, with whom he lacks the bromance many want to see, he could not pal around with Israel like usual. “I’ll do my duty and I’ll hang out by Israel at the next UN Assembly, but I won’t promise that I’ll talk...

Potential Iran Deal Sends Terror Stocks Soaring

Potential Iran Deal Sends Terror Stocks Soaring

Leaks from Washington, Tehran, and Switzerland of an imminent nuclear deal roared through Wall Street today sending terror stocks soaring in afterhours trading. Reports indicate than any deal will include the release of over $100 billion in frozen Iranian funds. Noted hedge fund manager, Gree D. Bassard, seemed to speak for the mood. “$100 billion’s a lot of scratch. And what are the Iranians going to spend it on? Give you a hint – it won’t be booze or bacon.”...

Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys

Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys

Living in Israel, it’s easy to forget how good you have it. It’s only when real tragedies occur in other countries and dominate the media that you realize everything you’ve been taking for granted. I had this realization this week, as my Facebook newsfeed was littered with disaster stories from half way around the world. Families torn apart. Lives turned upside down. I’m referring, of course, to the earth shattering report that Tom Brady “more likely than not” knew that...

Pope Ruled ‘Not Catholic’; Rumored Plans to Convert to Islam

Pope Ruled ‘Not Catholic’; Rumored Plans to Convert to Islam

In what can only be viewed as an unbelievable story, it has been revealed that the Pope is actually not Catholic and he may be planning on converting to Islam. Following his recent meeting with Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, world leaders began to suspect something was ‘a bit off’ about Pope Francis when he pronounced Abbas an ‘an angel of peace’. He later bent down to kiss Abbas’ feet, before going in for what seemed like an awkward five-minute bromance...

Urban Outfitters Unveils New “I watched the Nazis murder my family, and all I got was this crummy T-shirt” Design

Urban Outfitters Unveils New “I watched the Nazis murder my family, and all I got was this crummy T-shirt” Design

Following a string of questionable, Holocaust-based designs, Urban Outfitters released a new shirt not long ago that created yet more uproar. Previously controversial designs include patterns that closely mimic Nazi concentration camp prisoner uniforms, including stripes and a yellow star and stripes with a pink triangle. The Israeli Daily spoke with a spokesperson from Urban Outfitters to get some answers about the patterns, as well as the new design. The Israeli Daily (TID): What do you say to critics who say you’re...

Baltimore and Israeli Police to Conduct Joint Exercise in Beating African Migrants

Baltimore and Israeli Police to Conduct Joint Exercise in Beating African Migrants

In the wake of violent protests in Baltimore after the killing of an unarmed African American man, and protests in Israel after the beating of an IDF soldier of Ethiopian descent, the Baltimore Police Departments and the Israeli Police have agreed to joint exercises to better their techniques in mercilessly beating people of African descent. In a joint statement, the police departments stated that they were horrified as to the lack of professionalism displayed in the beatings, and that the...

Returning American Tourist Readies For Daring Operation To Smuggle Israeli Orange Past Airport Customs

Returning American Tourist Readies For Daring Operation To Smuggle Israeli Orange Past Airport Customs

Reports have been received by The Mideast Beast that an American tourist returning from Israel was preparing to carry out a covert operation to sneak an orange he purchased in a Jerusalem outdoor market past JFK International customs. Bringing in foreign produce is strictly illegal, and based on the scouring faces of homeland security agents, assumed to be punishable by death. RELATED: The Mideast Beast’s Guide to Buying and Cleaning Shuk-Bought Veggies Jason Goldberg, 25 year old New York native and international...

Israel Found Guilty

Israel Found Guilty

The international community issued firm condemnation of Israel’s recent actions earlier today. An emergency meeting of the United Nation Security Council was convened in order to issue a number of resolutions against the Jewish State. Member states accused Israel of being “inhumane,” and acting with “utter disregard for human life and wellbeing.” Israel has responded to these claims by saying that it retains the right to protect its citizens and ensure its survival. “We will not stand idly by while...

Israeli Tech Company Invents Something That Has Something To Do With Data and Social Networking Or Some Sort of Integration

Israeli Tech Company Invents Something That Has Something To Do With Data and Social Networking Or Some Sort of Integration

Israeli Tech Company, DigityzeMe, unveiled this week it’s new product expected to revolutionize something related to how people communicate or interact with people or machines online.   The platform, set for release at the beginning of the summer, will have something to do with enabling companies to do something with users data and somehow help customers create some sort of online community that has something to do with organizing people together. “We set out on this project because we spotted a...

The Mideast Beast’s Guide to Buying and Cleaning Shuk-Bought Veggies

The Mideast Beast’s Guide to Buying and Cleaning Shuk-Bought Veggies

Selecting and cleaning fruits and veggies from one of Israel’s many colorful Shuks (a Middle Eastern outdoor market) can be confusing and stressful. The Mideast Beast has compiled these steps to making sure you’re spending right and keeping your family healthy! Step One: When you first enter the Shuk, be sure to scout out all the stalls before choosing which to approach. In particular, look for stalls where the merchant is blowing cigarette smoke all over the produce, as this should...

James Taylor Announces Tour of Mideast States Battling ISIS

James Taylor Announces Tour of Mideast States Battling ISIS

James Taylor, thrust back into the public eye after his surprise appearance at a press conference following the attack on Charlie Hebdo singing ‘You’ve Got a Friend’ to the French people, has embarked on a 10-city jaunt through Middle East capitals whose governments have asserted their opposition to the ISIS militant group. “After hugging Paris, Jim is stoked about hanging loose with some righteous Arabian dudes. I mean if the Mideast wigs out, we’re all gonna wind up waist deep in...

North Korean Dictator Praises Former Egyptian President’s Death Sentence

North Korean Dictator Praises Former Egyptian President’s Death Sentence

Noting that there’s “no better way to unite a country than executing its only democratically-elected president,” North Korean leader Kim Jong-un came out in support of former Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi’s death sentence, issued this week by an Egyptian court. “There’s only one way to bring prosperity, growth and a shared vision to a country, and that’s by executing everyone who disagrees with you,” explained the pudgy dictator. “I’ve executed my aunt, uncle, and the army chief of staff just...

DC Bars and Strip Clubs Hit Hard by Saudi King’s Trip Cancellation

DC Bars and Strip Clubs Hit Hard by Saudi King’s Trip Cancellation

Following Saudi King Salman’s last-minute cancellation of his trip to meet with President Obama, several of DC’s upscale bars, strip clubs, and luxury retail outlets say they may be forced to declare bankruptcy. “I’ve been counting on this visit all year. Hell, half my inventory was ordered with the Saudi royal family in mind,” said one DC jeweler. “It’s like if Christmas were cancelled.” Other industries were hit even harder by the cancellation, according to one DC madam who spoke on...