Israel to #ShareaCokeWithGaza as Palestinian low blood sugar found to be cause of conflict

Israel to #ShareaCokeWithGaza as Palestinian low blood sugar found to be cause of conflict

With Israel and Palestine resolutely agreeing on absolutely nothing, Israel has chosen to make the controversial move of allowing Coke into Gaza, risking massive sugar rushes across the strip in the hope that Israelis and Palestinians might, in fact, agree over one thing: ‘Coke is delicious.’ Previously, Gaza residents have been receiving Coca-Cola products from a factory in Ramallah, which often led to enormous Coca-Cola shortages whenever the borders closed. This caused Gaza’s collective sugar to drop drastically; resulting in...

Millions Wanting Some Peace and Quiet are Flocking to Israeli Settlements

Millions Wanting Some Peace and Quiet are Flocking to Israeli Settlements

News that the cellular giant Orange is ‘cutting ties with Israeli firm’, has led to an influx of Israelis into settlements in an attempt to “just get away from it all.” Jacob Dudu commented, “I just want the opportunity to have a day outside of city-life without having to listen to some dick’s inane conversation with his new girlfriend. Why don’t both of you put the fucking phone down first and just shut the fuck up? So if this new...

American Firm to Supply Iran with 500,000 Baseball Bats Once Sanctions Removed

American Firm to Supply Iran with 500,000 Baseball Bats Once Sanctions Removed

The Illinois-based Wilson Sporting Goods Company has reportedly inked a deal with Tehran to sell half a million Louisville Slugger baseball bats if sanctions against the Islamic Republic of Iran are dismantled. “We had no idea that Iranian government officials are such big baseball fans. America’s pastime is truly a gift to the world. We’re proud to be contributing to the normalization of relations with Iran,” Wilson Sporting Goods Company CEO Ty Ruth said on Friday. Evidently, the company is unaware...

BDS Movement Recruits Waterlogged Corpse of Osama bin Laden

BDS Movement Recruits Waterlogged Corpse of Osama bin Laden

The Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement (BDS) was able to recruit a very high-profile ally this week. After months of courting, BDS leaders were finally able to announce today that the long-deceased corpse of noted anti-Semite Osama bin Laden had joined their cause. “This is a great day for the fight against the Israeli Zionist war machine,” BDS organizer Michael Roth told The Israeli Daily, “Mr. bin Laden is a celebrity known all over the world. His soggy carcass shares...

ISIL Invades World of Warcraft

ISIL Invades World of Warcraft

World of Warcraft’s millions of players reacted with horror as a new force, ISIL, stormed across Azeroth with a force greater than any Horde. Within hours, ISIL had seized Stormwind City and was well on their way to taking all of the Southern reaches. Players described ISIL’s forces as without mercy. “My buddies and I were questing around the Swamp of Sorrows,” 57th level dwarven warrior, Bargotharang the Flatulent — who was unwilling to give his real name because he...

Instagram Closes Qatar’s Account Due to Deadly Boring Images

Instagram Closes Qatar’s Account Due to Deadly Boring Images

The Photo-sharing service Instagram Wednesday deleted a page opened by the Qatar Tourism Authority in response to repeated complaints that its pictures were causing a loss of satisfaction, apathy, chronic fatigue and low physical energy. According to Instagram CEO Raven Moorhead: “We as a policy will not post any images that induce physical discomfort in our viewers. Sorry Qatar, but how many pictures of golf courses, shopping malls and conference halls can a person consume without slipping into a soft coma?” This...

‘Draw Muhammad’ Rally Leads to Tension Between D-Bags and Idiots

‘Draw Muhammad’ Rally Leads to Tension Between D-Bags and Idiots

A “Draw Muhammad” rally in Arizona has led to a clash between nitwits and sociopaths, as the conflicting values of freedom of expression and religious tolerance somehow did not come up in interviews with either hardline supporters or opponents of the rally. In Phoenix, Trey “Bubba” Jenkins noted that the Second (in his defense, he probably meant First) Amendment allowed him to “draw whoever the heck I damn please, because that’s what Jesus said when he founded this country.” “If...

Iranian Regime Peaceful and Progressive, Journalists Not Jailed on Espionage Charges Report

Iranian Regime Peaceful and Progressive, Journalists Not Jailed on Espionage Charges Report

The Islamic Republic of Iran has emerged as a world leader in tolerance and human rights, a series of reports by journalists allowed to leave the country of their own free will revealed this week. Further, several reporters not currently jailed for espionage have documented that the Iranian regime has no interest in war and is in the process of retraining its elite soldiers as jugglers. “While many in the West fear the Iranian regime, it’s actually composed of moderate,...

US Government Issues ‘Israel Travel Warning’ to American Jews

US Government Issues ‘Israel Travel Warning’ to American Jews

The US State Department Monday urged its citizens to avoid all travel to Israel because of security concerns raised by Birthright trips. In a statement, the State Department said, “American Jewish parents should understand that they accept the risks of sending their children on Birthright Israel and should carefully consider those risks.” “In the past year, seventeen US citizens were arrested for illegal use of narcotics, 12 were hospitalized after getting crunked and four were impregnated by Israeli soldiers on reprieve from the...

Following Palestinian Campaign Against Israel, Americans Beg FIFA to Ban America

Following Palestinian Campaign Against Israel, Americans Beg FIFA to Ban America

Citing their country’s history of war, racial strife and anything else they could think of, Americans urged FIFA, the international governing body of soccer, to ban their country from any international tournaments and competitions. The American campaign was apparently inspired by Palestinian attempts to have Israel suspended from the organization due to its human rights policies. Supporters of the ban pointed to slavery, the 1812 invasion of Canada and the “Saw” film franchise as some of the most serious atrocities...

IDF pondering ‘use of sword’

IDF pondering ‘use of sword’

In a move likely to scare the crap out of Israel’s neighbors, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) is pondering the use of swords. “A good strategist learns from his opponents. And well, let’s face it, the sword has always worked.” Apparently, the IDF’s international law department is currently searching through international legal documents to find out if it’s even legal. “We know that flamethrowers are still legal, so we’re thinking, ‘yeah, this might actually be legit’” said one IDF lawyer. However, it...

Middle Eastern States Debate Whether to Intervene in Baltimore

Middle Eastern States Debate Whether to Intervene in Baltimore

As riots in Baltimore continue to spiral out of control, several Middle Eastern leaders have publicly considered sending forces to help maintain some sense of order and stop the chaos from spilling over into neighboring states. “We aren’t the world’s police, and we can’t be expected to intervene in such an unstable region every time the people rise up against their government,” explained Iraqi Prime Minister Haider al-Abadi. “At the same time, we have legitimate interests in ensuring Maryland doesn’t...

US Army Provides Support as Swiss Militias Fight FIFA for Control of Zurich

US Army Provides Support as Swiss Militias Fight FIFA for Control of Zurich

The rattle of gunfire and blaring of Alpine horns are piercing the night as the battle for the city of Zurich in northern Switzerland is entering its third day. The city is occupied by FIFA, a rogue terrorist organization with ties to global dictators and Middle Eastern royalty, backed by $1.4 billion in cash reserves despite calling itself ‘non-profit’, and headed by a bloodthirsty tyrant who is seen by his followers as a godlike religious figure. As the battle rages...

Assad Takes Break from Syrian Civil War to Attend Paul McCartney Concert

Assad Takes Break from Syrian Civil War to Attend Paul McCartney Concert

As Syria continues it’s rapid unraveling, President Bashar al-Assad was reportedly seen dancing the night away among 20,000 aging baby boomers at the Paul McCartney concert in London last weekend. “Maybe I’m amazed I’ve managed to stay in power this long,” Assad was overheard telling his wife during Sir Paul’s powerful rendition of ‘Carry That Weight.’ The Syrian strongman, a fan of Chris Brown, Right Said Fred, and the Foo Fighters, allegedly squealed in delight when none other Foo Fighters’...

UN Condemns Israel Over Game of Thrones Being “Too Rapey”

UN Condemns Israel Over Game of Thrones Being “Too Rapey”

In another lop sided vote – 170 for, 5 against, and 19 abstentions – the UN General Assembly condemned Israel, this time over the increase in gratuitous sexual violence on Game of Thrones. The resolution, which read in part: Where as, the world’s viewers have always enjoyed the seemingly teen-imagined soft core so prevalent in Game of Thrones, with its frequent use of three ways and chicks that are almost preternaturally flexible, and even the occasional rough stuff…we find GOT’s...

Sports Report: Hamas and FIFA Team Up to Provide Winter Camps for Kids

Sports Report: Hamas and FIFA Team Up to Provide Winter Camps for Kids

Hamas and FIFA have decided to team up and provide camps for kids, sources familiar with the matter have told The Mideast Beast. “We’ve been looking to work together for a long time,” explained a FIFA official. “We are two of the largest recipients in illicit Qatari funding, so our eventual partnership was practically inevitable.” The camps, which will be located in Gaza, are expected to provide fantastic programming for young athletes, promising to develop not only campers’ soccer skills...

Vatican Condemns Israeli Attack on Gaza, Calls Hamas Leader ‘Good Shepherd’

Vatican Condemns Israeli Attack on Gaza, Calls Hamas Leader ‘Good Shepherd’

A Holy See ambassador issued a stinging rebuke of the Israeli missile strikes on military training facilities in the Gaza Strip that were launched in response to an earlier firing of four rockets into Israel this week. “Our Jewish brothers in Israel have aligned themselves with the Prince of this World, Satan. As Palestinian boys and girls slept, warplanes unleashed hell from above. We suspect that the devil, in the guise of a nagging, obnoxious, and out of control wife,...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part III – The Showdown

Reprisal of the Damned, Part III – The Showdown

He clambers slowly up the hill, surveying the carnage. His mouth twists into a gleeful smile as counts the burning husks of Abrams tanks around the hill, the downed jets. From the other side of the hill walks Osama bin Laden. “D-Chain, long time no see! How’s Lynne? The kids?” Cheney walks up to Osama, then embraces the undead leader of the Jihad in a long hug. “Sammie, I can’t believe it’s really you! You did so much for us:...

Obama Consults with Astrologer and Ouija Board Following US Loss of Ramadi to ISIS

Obama Consults with Astrologer and Ouija Board Following US Loss of Ramadi to ISIS

US President Barack Obama is “looking to the heavens for help” after ISIS captured the Iraqi town of Ramadi last week, a top US official said. The senior level government source revealed that Obama decided to send 1,000 anti-tank missile systems to Iraq to defeat the Jihadi threat after “a midnight session and séance with acclaimed Thai astrologer Sorajja Nual-yu.“ According to the official, “Ms Nual-yu’ s credentials are impeccable. She predicted the Dancing with the Stars season twenty winner; Putin’s conquest of...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part II – The Hunter

Reprisal of the Damned, Part II – The Hunter

The tunes of 95.9 FM “The Ranch” fill the main room of the log cabin, snippets of a Fox newscast barely audible from the adjacent bedroom during pauses in the music. A man sits on an old leather chair that was brought in from DC, he’s cleaning a shotgun. The room is decorated with mementos from four decades of a career spent cheating death: guns, bombs and heart attacks. Above the fireplace hang three hunting trophies: a stag, a yeti,...