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Clinton Backs Deportation of Anti-Abortionists after Planned Parenthood Clinic Shooting
Only days after a gunman killed three people and wounded several others at a Planned Parenthood Clinic in Colorado, Democratic U.S. Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton has proposed that the U.S. deport all citizens who oppose abortion. “They’re a Trojan Horse… a festering fifth column that must be crushed. In an ideal world, I’d ship them to Iran, Saudi Arabia or...
To Trump’s Disgust, Muslim Mexican Wins Miss Universe
LAS VEGAS – In a world first, a Muslim contestant has won the Miss Universe competition, the beauty pageant formerly owned by GOP U.S. Presidential candidate Donald Trump. 22-year-old Mexican Amora Aziz-Alvarez beat out finalists from 14 other countries to claim the 2015 crown. 1st Runner-Up was Lindiwe Tambo from South Africa, followed by China’s Li Jiao. In her acceptance...
“A State Based on a Single Religion is Unjust,” Declare Muslim Nations
Today, a group of Muslim states including the Islamic Republic of Iran, the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan, and the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, released a statement making clear that they view Israel’s existence as a Jewish State as being contrary to the ideals of democracy and human welfare. The statement posited, “How can a state based upon serving a single...
Military Aid to Iraq Includes Lessons in Shooting Straight and not Running Away
In a bold move applauded by military experts, and with ISIS headed straight up Baghdad’s butt crack, the latest tranche of military aide to Iraq will include detailed instructions on: 1. How to hold your rifle 2. A basic geospatial briefing on which way you are supposed to be looking (i.e. towards the fucking enemy). Military Advisor Alexander Owens provided...
US Intel Report Adds Fourth Netanyahu Term to List of Terror Threats
Unbeknownst to many, the 2015 Worldwide Threat Assessment of the US Intelligence Communities, published in late February, includes an electoral victory for Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s Likud party. According to Ferris Appleby, the Assistant Director of National Intelligence who delivered the annual report to the United States Senate: “Netanyahu’s nonstop bellyaching about a nuclear holocaust is a major buzzkill. Every time...
Iraqis Love-Bomb ISIS; Everyone Trying not to Look Surprised
As news broke that Iraqi military pilots had ‘love-bombed’ ISIS militants with food and ammunitions, international military experts were practicing their ‘surprised’ faces in bathroom mirrors. “No way!!!” exclaimed one retired General with eyebrows pushed firmly up his forehead and jaw in the fully dropped position. “They did what now? That is completely surprising to me and in no way something...
GOP Candidates: Transfer U.S. Muslims to Desert Reservation
America’s three million-plus Muslim citizens should be forcibly relocated to a designated territory in the country’s West, according to a number of Republican U.S. presidential contenders. In a FOX News interview, GOP candidate Dr. Ben Carson said that, “in lieu of the ideal option – deporting all of the country’s Muslims back to where they came from – I propose...
Madonna to Adopt One Israeli, One Palestinian Child
Just a few weeks after reports surfaced that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are in the process of adopting a boy from war-torn Syria, Queen of Pop Madonna – already mother to two adopted children from Africa – is reportedly looking to adopt two more, this time from the volatile holy land. According to reports on various celebrity news sites,...
Israeli Teenage Boys Conflicted
Teenage boys all over Israel are conflicted over whether it’s OK to “spank the Rabbi” over some Hollywood chick who’s come out as anti-Semitic. Elie Hognuts, a hairy palmed 15 year old from Tel Aviv said “ever since the movie Vanilla Sky, I’ve been enjoying a “private visit to the Western Wall” with the thought of Penelope Cruz as a sexy religious...
U.S. Releases Israel’s Worst Spy, Ever
In most professions, the better someone is at what they do, the more well known they become. In fact, this is the goal for many careers, such as acting, playing basketball, or even writing for a website focused on satirizing one oddly specific and batshit crazy part of the globe. However, one career path where the absolute opposite is true...
Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States
When Time Warner Cable agreed to add The Islamic State’s (ISIL) TV station to its channel offerings, most shrugged. Now to everyone’s surprise, ISIL-TV’s grabbing all the buzz. “I love these shows,” wrote popular blogger Mr. Bud Uglee to his six loyal readers. “What on TV is funnier than Bringin’ Up Burkah? And dramas like Beheading Bad and Law &...
Anonymous Hacks U.S. Predator Drones, Begins Bombing ISIS Strongholds
In the aftermath of the recent terror attacks in Paris, the “hacktivist” group “Anonymous” vowed revenge against the terrorist group responsible. Following a number of threats against ISIS, Anonymous began releasing and shutting down ISIS-linked Twitter accounts. But today marks an escalation that no one expected. As laser-guided missiles began to rain down on ISIS strongholds in Iraq and Syria,...
France Prepares to Bomb Syria because Libya has Turned Out So Well
Following last week’s ISIS attacks on Paris, French President François Hollande confirmed in a news conference today that it would be ‘Bombs Away’ later this week; “I think everyone will agree with me that Libya is a shining example of what a good old fashioned dose of bombing will do. And if we can be half as successful in Syria...
Islamic State’s Leader Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley Madison Website Leak
The leader of the Islamic State, al-Baghdadi, was shocked to find his name on a list of other adulterers from the hacked Ashley Madison website. In a surprising twist, the Islamic State’s barbaric policy of rewarding fighters with victory slaves-brides did not lead to blossoming relationships. Al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had simply “lost the sparks” with all his regular and slave-wives. The...
Americans Ask, “Don’t We Have Any Cheaper Bombs?”
Following the news that the US has spent $2.7 billion on bombing Islamic State, people have begun to ask, “Can’t we start using the cheaper bombs?” Armchair commentator, Bob James said, “The thick end of three billion just seems a lot when we’re talking about people driving around in vehicles that I expect to see in the parking lot of an Alabama...
Homeland Security Official: “Words are Just Collections of Letters.”
The U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced a policy revision that redefines the Webster’s Dictionary definition of “Border” to mean “something we don’t fucking care about.” Ted Schlubbernick, the First Assistant Secretary of Word Proctoring in the Directorate of Special Definition Projects for DHS declined to comment on the change, saying only “We own you!” before turning quickly on...
Hamas, Hezbollah Condemn Paris Attackers for Not Picking ‘Jewier’ Targets
Days after coordinated attacks in Paris killed 129 people, Islamist groups Hamas and Hezbollah condemned the attacks, blasting the attackers for not going after “Jewey enough” targets. “We strongly denounced the attacks in Paris and see these attacks as immoral and unproductive,” the leaders of the two Islamist militant groups said in a joint statement. “I mean, targeting a death...
Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza
An audio recording of Palestinian Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, imploring Israel’s Prime Minister to launch an all-out air, ground, and sea assault on the Gaza Strip has exploded on the Internet. “Benjamin, come on already! ISIS is a thorn in my throat. I’m choking here! Kindly have your military unleash a fresh wave of human suffering on Gaza. You don’t even...
Israel Braces Jewish Ballsack for Upcoming UN Human Rights Inquiry
The State of Israel is bracing its Jewish ballsack for an upcoming UN inquiry into the 2014 war between Gaza and Israel. To keep things balanced, the UN has appointed one member from each Arab state and one collector of human heads from ISIS to participate in the inquiry. “We didn’t think it would be fair to leave anyone out,” said one...
Report: The Last Thing the Middle East Needs has Been Found
After Italian company Eni Announced that it had discovered one of the largest natural gas fields in the world off the coast of Egypt, analysts have been keen to point out that yes, there is in fact more fucking much-needed natural gas in the Middle East, possibly 30 trillion cubic feet of more fucking gas. “It’s not enough that like,...