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UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal
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UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal

Following reports that more than 250 Israelis have made their way to Nepal in order to assist in recovery efforts following a devastating earthquake, the UN has issued its latest condemnation of the Jewish State for its sudden occupation of the South-Asian nation. “We are dismayed to learn that Israeli forces are currently using the chaos in Nepal to colonize...

“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish
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“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish

After  Oskar Groening was convicted of being an accessory to the murder to hundreds of thousands of people in Auschwitz concentration camp sources were surprised to learn that Groening, dubbed “the Accountant of Auschwitz” was not in fact Jewish. “It’s not like an anti-semitic thing or anything…just you know…an accountant? How goddamned Jewish is that? It would be like the “Rabbi of Auschwitz” was a...

Iran Deal Reveals Obama’s Political Savvy, Plan To Destroy America
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Iran Deal Reveals Obama’s Political Savvy, Plan To Destroy America

Now that a completed Iranian nuclear deal has become part of our shared history, proponents and opponents of the agreement have been voicing their praise and concern. The multinational treaty is very complex and as a result of this complexity, it seems that groups espousing different agendas can find varying interpretations of the deal, allowing for radically divergent predictions. RELATED: Radical Offshoot...

U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS
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U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS

Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters this week that GOP representatives have drafted a document declaring a feminist war on ISIS. “We find the practices of veiling and gender segregation to be antithetical to the development of a modern society in the global economy,” stated Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions before a quorum entirely comprised of other men. Due...

ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup
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ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup

In a surprise announcement that caught the soccer world mostly not caring very much, FIFA unresigned kingpin Sepp Blatter announced that the 2019 Women’s Soccer World Cup is to take place in Northern Iraq and Syria. A smiling Blatter addressed the crowd of two journalists sitting next to ISIS emir Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “Abu is a bloodthirsty, genocidal, corrupt maniac,”...

Caliphate in Chaos as ISIS Bans Female Genital Mutilation
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Caliphate in Chaos as ISIS Bans Female Genital Mutilation

With the influx and influence of western female recruits pouring into ISIS held territory across a wide swath of Iraq and Syria to fight infidels and get laid, a radical fusion of thought and practice is challenging the Islamic State terror group’s views regarding the practice of Female Genital Mutilation also known as Female Circumcision. “Removal of the magic button...

Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents
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Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents

The Israeli government will begin construction on a “water salinization plant” in Gaza next year in order to “aid Palestinians, who we definitely aid. Like a lot.” The plant will take what remains of Gaza’s clean sources of groundwater and add salt in order to make the water undrinkable. According to water engineers, the plant will use a revolutionary technology...

Palestinian Leader Appoints Arnold Schwarzenegger to Pump Up Sagging Popularity

Palestinian Leader Appoints Arnold Schwarzenegger to Pump Up Sagging Popularity

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas surprised his cabinet in Ramallah this morning by introducing action star Arnold Schwarzenegger as the government’s first Minister of Comebacks. “Brothers, the world is sick of the peace process. Our message is about as comprehensible as the new Björk album. Now, I can’t think of anyone, not even Sly Stallone, who’s gotten more mileage out...

Israel Volunteers to Mediate Germany-Greece Negotiations
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Israel Volunteers to Mediate Germany-Greece Negotiations

As German and Greek politicians were in a last ditch effort to grevent the Greeks for grexiting the European greekommunitiny, the mood in both capitals was resentful and antagonistic. However, there’s cause for cautious optimism as Israel, a veteran of mediated negotiations, has volunteered to step in. “We are very thankful for the long history of European moderation in our negotiations with the...

Breaking: Trump Picks Netanyahu as Running Mate for 2016

Breaking: Trump Picks Netanyahu as Running Mate for 2016

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu as his 2016 Vice Presidential running mate prior to Republican Party delegates choosing nominees. The Israeli Daily got wind of this dramatic political development after Trump’s limo driver leaked the information while fooling around with Israeli tourists outside of Trump Tower in Manhattan. Sources close to the Prime Minister revealed he was given the unexpected...

Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell
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Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – Mexican authorities at the Altiplano maximum security prison were embarrassed on Sunday when their most notorious inmate, drug kingpin Joaqin “El Chapo” Guzman, escaped his cell through a tunnel dug beneath it. The prison guards were bewildered when from the tunnel emerged Khafir Babori, recently of Gaza City, and said: “Wait, this can’t be Tel Aviv,...

Dangerous Destinations and Activist Tours: Hottest Trends in Travel
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Dangerous Destinations and Activist Tours: Hottest Trends in Travel

Extreme sports are so last decade. The phrase ‘so last decade’ is so 2013. And forget drinking, drugging and binge watching. That’s so last weekend. According to research findings at Instant Gratification Institute in Tel Aviv, thrill seekers are abandoning so-called traditional dangerous adventures of shark cage diving in Cape Town, running of the bulls in Pamplona and bare-back riding in...

X Factor cures homesickness, says ISIS
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X Factor cures homesickness, says ISIS

The flow of young female jihadists from Europe is causing a challenge for ISIS’ chief morale officer Muhammad bin Youssef as his team tries to combat homesickness. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily bin Youssef said that the organization was failing to live up to the expectations of these recruits and was identifying ways in which it could make the...

Disney Flotilla to Set Sail for Gaza
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Disney Flotilla to Set Sail for Gaza

In efforts to put a friendlier face on attempts to break Israel’s naval blockade of the Gaza Strip, Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, has revealed that Hamas is currently in negotiations with Disney Cruise Lines to be a corporate sponsor of the next Gaza flotilla. Speaking to The Israeli Daily using voice distortion technology, the senior Hamas leader said, “This...

‘Soup Nazi’ Replaces John Kerry in Iran Deal
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‘Soup Nazi’ Replaces John Kerry in Iran Deal

United States President Barack Obama has replaced Secretary of State John Kerry the lead US negotiator in the Iran talks with the Soup Nazi of Seinfeld fame. Speaking to The Israeli Daily aboard Air Force One en route to a golf outing in Florida, President Obama said John Kerry has done an outstanding job as Team America negotiator, but expressed...

Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media
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Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has cancelled Syria’s membership on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and all other social media networking sites. “We’re dead, baby. Our funeral will be bigger than Princess Diana’s. We’ve booked Elton John and George Michael who will be duetting, ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me’,” the Syrian strongman tweeted before deleting his country’s official Twitter account....

Matzah Ball Soup Finally Wins FDA Approval
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Matzah Ball Soup Finally Wins FDA Approval

Following a prolonged legal battle, the FDA has finally categorized matzah ball soup as a certified cure for several common ailments. The traditional meal, often referred to as “Jewish penicillin,” has been used to treat colds for well over a thousand years, according to numerous Jewish grandmothers. For decades, the FDA has categorized the delicacy as a homeopathic cure, and...

Confused Swedish Family Mistakenly Towed to Port in Israel

Confused Swedish Family Mistakenly Towed to Port in Israel

A group of Swedish holidaymakers have ended up being towed to the port of Ashdod in southern Israel after a series of unfortunate circumstances. Having set sail on a private yacht this week, the Bergeson family from Stockholm was excited for their trip. Unfortunately, the group of yachts they chose to follow out of Gothenburg port was part of last...

Roger Waters – The Porcine Roots of Anti-Semitism

Roger Waters – The Porcine Roots of Anti-Semitism

New information has surfaced recently, shedding light on what was previously believed to be straightforward anti-Semitism espoused by famed singer and songwriter Roger Waters of Pink Floyd. Waters, who denies all accusations of being an anti-Semite, has repeatedly said that all such accusations are merely “a Judeo-Zionist plot by long-nosed old men to conquer the world and get hold of...