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Rumors Abound Netanyahu to Retire and Enter Child-Wear Market Following Failed America Visit
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has revealed that following on from his attempt to persuade America he was a nice guy last week, he plans to retire forthwith and enter the fashion world with a collection of children’s wear tentatively titled ‘Bibi Bibs’. Discussing his reasons for the planned career change, a glowing Netanyahu explained ‘Bibi Bibs’ origins in depth....
Ex-Generals Tell United Nations: Israelis Have Great Wartime Sex
A multi-national group of former senior military leaders released its findings, partly based on Dr. Ruth’s expert advice, that during the last Gaza War in 2014, “Israelis not only met the reasonable international standard of having regular sex, but in many cases exceeded that standard.” “Increased military operations into Gaza over the last few years have thrown young Israeli soldiers into...
Settlement Expansion Only Way to Stop Attacks, Terrorists Confirm
Validating Ultra-Right Wing Minister of Parliament Naftali Bennett’s demand that the government respond to a recent wave of terror by building more settlements, a number of Palestinian terrorists have told The Mideast Beast that only a significant settlement expansion would cause them to reconsider stabbing Jews on the street. “If the Israeli government were to respond to me stabbing someone...
ISIS Praises Starbucks Over Holiday Cup Design
Calling the Seattle-based coffee chain “a true ally in the global war against Christians,” the terrorist group ISIS praised Starbucks for abandoning its Christmas-themed cups in favor of a more neutral holiday cup. “While we have been doing our part by beheading thousands of Christians and forcing thousands more to convert to Islam, we have learned that our allies in...
UN Atomic Watchdog: Iran Secretly Developing Something Dirtier Than a Nuclear Bomb
Yukiya Amano, head of the UN’s International Atomic Energy Agency, was shocked to discover recently that the Islamic Republic of Iran has quietly become the world’s leading producer of sex dolls. “Iran became seriously cash strapped once countries began imposing sanctions. The Minister of Petroleum and Youth Affairs at the time proposed that Iran get into the booming blow up...
Jesus Returns, Is Promptly Stabbed By Palestinian Teen
After her recent trip to the Holy land, Michele Bachmann declared that the return of Jesus Christ was imminent. The one-time Presidential hopeful and now America’s resident queen of batshit crazy, announced the urgent need to convert Jews to Christianity because of the return of Nazareth’s mascot. But as most people wrote Bachmann off as spewing more of her craziness, against...
After Pledging Allegiance to ISIS, Boko Haram Dreads Getting Stuff Back from al Qaeda’s Apartment
After leaving al Qaeda and pledging allegiance to ISIS, Boko Haram leaders have openly admitted they were not looking forward to picking up their personal belongings from al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri’s apartment. “It’s going to be super awkward, since Zawahiri is definitely going to start crying and begging us to come back,” admitted Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau. “I’d...
Israeli-Palestinian ‘Surprise Acupuncture Initiative’ not having Expected Results
A joint Israeli-Palestinian peace group is beginning to rethink its recent “Acupuncture for Peace” campaign after mixed results in the past few weeks. The initiative’s goal was to encourage goodwill and relaxation between Palestinians and Israelis by having trained practitioners surprise unsuspecting strangers with unexpected acupuncture sessions in public areas. Unfortunately, many of the acupuncturists have been mistaken for terrorists...
Radical Muslims Applaud RCA Decision to Ban Women Rabbis
Nothing brings enemies together quite like hating on a third party. This was the case for the U.S. and Soviet Union in WWII, for the X-Men and Magneto in the fantastic X2, and now for American Rabbis and Radical Muslim groups worldwide. This week, in a surprise twist totally predictable ending, the Rabbinical Council of America (RCA) introduced a resolution...
Malala Yousafzai to drop out of school to pursue singing career
Malala shot to fame following her first assassination attempt by people who have some seriously weird issues with women. The seventeen-year-old human rights activist who recently received the Nobel Peace Prize has taken an unexpected career turn, announcing her retirement from making the world a better place. ‘I just feel like there isn’t much room to move up in the...
Plot to Sabotage Bill Clinton’s Israel Visit with ‘Lewinsky Street’ Renaming Foiled
Following on from Bill Clinton’s visit to Israel last week, reports from Tel Aviv’s City Hall have revealed a startling plot concocted by right-wing members of the city council to stop the former president from addressing last Sunday’s memorial for Yitzhak Rabin, the Israeli Prime Minister who was assassinated by a right-wing d-bag 20 years ago. The plot in question...
BBC Appoints Director of Bias for Middle East to Ensure Imbalance Remains in Israel-Palestine Coverage
The BBC announced today its appointment of their World Affairs editor Mahmoud Shabbas as their new Director of Bias in Israel and Palestine, citing the questions emerging over recent signs of impartiality at the broadcasting company. The appointment stems in part from a recent report filed by BBC Middle East editor Jeremy Bowen, which featured 2.5 minutes covering Palestinian issues...
The Softer Side of ISIS
In an apparent effort to show “the softer, gentler side of ISIS”, its charismatic leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi recently met senior executives of the Newbury-Smythe ad agency. The aim of the meeting, held at the agency’s New York headquarters, was to devise a media and PR strategy, which would present ISIS as the benevolent, charitable organization that it is, empowering...
UN Study: 85% of Peace Negotiators End Up in Alcoholics Anonymous
Those who believe too strongly in peaceful resolutions to conflicts are setting themselves up for not only heartbreak but also an addiction, according to a study released by the United Nations. The UN found that more than four out five people who had engaged in senior-level peace talks wound up joining Alcoholics Anonymous after negotiations collapsed. “Our best educated, best...
Al-Qaeda to World: ‘Did you forget about us?’
Like Dave Chappelle and Prince in 2014, yet another public figure has announced they will be staging a comeback for 2015. Old-school terrorist collective Al Qaeda, infamous for past atrocities involving hijacked planes, the World Trade Center, and the Pentagon have been feeling a little overshadowed lately, what with the rise of the Slicers and Dicers of the Levant, ISIS. In a Q&A...
Netflix To Expand Into Middle East, End All Conflicts
In the kind of world-changing announcement that usually only follows Ryan Seacrest saying, “the winner of American Idol is…,” Netflix revealed to the world that they were be expanding their services into one of the most explosive parts of the world, the Middle East. While this may not seem like big news to some, many analysts are viewing this expansion as a...
Water Now Second Rarest Resource in the Middle East As ‘Hope’ Takes Top Spot
It has been predicted in the past that as brutal as Middle Eastern conflicts have been in the past, they will become more gruesome when the focus of wars shift from faith or territory to water. Water, also known as that thing that you are mainly comprised of, is the chicken broth in which the matzah balls of life exist. For...
Epidemic Of “Scrotal Sunburns” Raging Across Mideast Is Result of “Nutscaping” Fad, Say Experts
It’s been described as “excruciating,” and “the worst pain ever,” by dozens of men currently icing their nether regions. In recent days, a fad known as “nutscaping” has cropped up where horrifying fads like this tend to, on the interweb. The idea behind nutscaping (you can’t see us shuddering with horror, but rest assured, we are) is that adventurous men...
Marco Rubio (literally) Stands With Israel
Marco Rubio (just look at that sexy smile) has a message to his fellow Republicans: “Are you Israel enough?” This week, after numerous interviews regarding his candidacy for President, Rubio posted his top five campaign issues. Standing with Israel is one of them. “Yes, I take standing by Israel very seriously,” Rubio said while jogging in place. “I’ve been training for...
GOP Presidential Hopefuls Confident Republicans are Sufficiently Ignorant to Think Another Middle East War is a Good Idea
Across many states, Republican presidential hopefuls laid out their national security plan with a surprising notion suggesting that it would be a good idea for US forces to return to the Middle East in order to fight ISIS. While at first counter-intuitive, political analyst, Brea KN Rekerd, suggested it was a wise strategy. “GOP presidential hopefuls don’t need to win a majority of...