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ISIS Demands Release of Martin Shkreli, Calling Him a Hero in the War on the West
Calling the vilified financial executive a valiant warrior in the fight against American citizens, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi demanded the U.S. government immediately release “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli. “By raising the price of life-saving pharmaceutical drugs 50-fold, Sheikh Shkreli has shown an unparalleled commitment to jihad against the American infidels,” al-Baghdadi said in a video released online by the...
Month after Ball Shaving Fatwa, Iran Declares War on Genital Piercing
TEHRAN – Iran’s Supreme Leader has launched “a holy war on the satanic mutilation practice” of genital piercing, citing a “Zionist plot to destroy our Islamic values.” “We must eliminate this ravenous cancer before it devours the very soul of our nation,” warned Ayatollah Ali Khamenei at an emergency session of the Iranian parliament yesterday. “As such, all those found...
Zionist Overlords Finally Admit They Rigged the Israeli Election
The Zionist overlords controlling the world’s economic, business and other institutions, have finally admitted that they had rigged the last Israeli election. Speaking to the world’s press, Jewdah Cohenawitz-Bergstein explained and justified the conglomerate’s latest political interference: “We could foresee a bit of free will seeping into the Israeli electorate, and we didn’t like it one bit. Not ONE bit.”...
Muslims, Latinos Stage ‘Flash Orgy’ outside Trump HQ
NEW YORK – Chanting slogans like “United We Shag, Divided We Fall,” “Fight Racist Fearmongering with Interracial Lovemaking,” and “Brown is Bonkaliciously Beautiful,” thousands staged a massive orgy today in front of Manhattan’s Trump Tower – home to both the GOP front-runner’s campaign and corporate headquarters, as well as his primary residence. Amassing outside the Fifth Avenue skyscraper at noon,...
Pro-Palestinian Group Condemns Stabbing Attacks, Calling Them “Far Too Ineffective”
In the latest outbreak of violence in the long saga of Israel and the Palestinians, numerous stabbings have been carried out against Israeli soldiers and civilians. As should be expected at this point for any news coming out of this region, opinions on the attacks are polarized. Some groups, most notably, The Asshole Lobby, have praised the attacks, calling them...
Netanyahu Tasks Ben Carson with Protecting Jerusalem
After Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s bold declaration that he would have attacked the gunman in the Oregon school shooting, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Carson has been brought to Jerusalem and tasked with protecting the city in the wake of a series of terror attacks. “It takes great courage to speak about acting heroically in the face of danger,”...
Israeli Arms Industry Excited About Iranian Market
Israeli arms companies reacted with predictable enthusiasm on the announcement of the nuclear deal with Iran and the lifting of sanctions. Yoni Fluffberg, Vice President of Communications at Elbit Systems commented, “We’ve been lobbying for the chance to supply Iran for years. For us it’s the complete package. Disputes with their neighbours, shit loads of cash from natural resources, and...
Americans to Allow Russian Air Strikes on Potential US Gun Violence Locations
With the recent success of the Russian Air Force in Syria, destroying 29 ISIS camps in 24 hours, American lawmakers on both sides of the aisle have given the green light for President Vladimir Putin to ‘take care of business’ in America’s out-of-control gun violence zones. U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry, jokingly came up with the idea in a National...
President Obama Declares War on Workplace Violence
Following the fatal shooting of 14 co-workers by a couple that just happened to be affiliated with the terrorist group ISIS, President Barack Obama has declared a “war on workplace violence.” “As the events in San Bernardino, and the Fort Hood shootings before, have shown, the perpetrators of workplace violence represent a threat to Americans and to all of humanity,”...
Germany Pressures Israel to Sue Egypt for Slavery Reparations
German chancellor Angela Merkel has been mounting pressure on Israel to take the Egyptian government to court over its historical enslavement of the Jewish people and sue for reparations. Speaking from Berlin, Merkel said, “The time has come. We’re experts over here at paying for Germany’s occasional errors so we feel it’s only right that Israel follows our lead.” Outlining ideas...
Ben Carson Strikes Again: As President, I’ll Liquidate Ayatollah ‘Kumonme’
SAN DIEGO – Just days after pronouncing ‘Hamas’ as ‘Hummus,’ GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson invoked male fluid emission when threatening Ali Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader. Addressing a gathering of security-focused Republican donors in San Diego, the former neurosurgeon – who has been criticized for his lack of foreign policy acumen – vowed to not only “rip up” the contentious nuclear...
U.S. Waiting for ISIS To Descend Into Fatal Spiral of Internal Violence, ISIS Waiting For U.S. To Do The Same
Following a yet another mass shooting in the United States, this time in San Bernardino, CA, which left 14 people dead, ISIS leaders made their pleasure at the violence known. “This is exactly what we hope for. The Great Satan will destroy itself through the normalization of gun violence,” a statement released on social media announced earlier today. “Look at...
Cambridge Horse Scholar Tells Eight-Year-Old American ‘I’ll Reply When Leo Has His Oscar’
After refusing to answer questions from a 13-year-old Israeli student “until there is justice for Palestinians,” British horse expert Marsha Levine told an eight-year-old American boy she would not respond to him “until there’s justice for Leo [DiCaprio].” “You might be a child, but if you’re old enough to write to me then you should stop worrying about fucking horses...
US State Department Endorses Hamas in Upcoming Elections
Now that Benjamin Netanyahu has been reelected as Israel’s Prime Minister, an outcome that the U.S. says they are absolutely not totally way upset about, the State Department has decided to endorse a party on the other side: Hamas. “We would like to extend our support to the Hamas party in Gaza’s upcoming election,” said State Department Spokeswoman Jen Psaki....
Syrian Refugees In Europe Beg Desperately Not to Be Sent To Violent Streets of Syria or United States
As questions of how to approach the massive influx of Middle Eastern refugees into European nations grow louder and louder with each passing day, it seems that everyone has given their two cents, other than the people being discussed. While every country has been asked whether they’d take refugees, no one has bothered to ask the refugees where they’d like to...
Miss Jordan Can’t Find Israel on a Map
An embarrassing interview of Miss Jordan, Nida Abu-Khalil, from the proceedings of the 2015 Miss Universe Pageant is making rounds on the internet. In the now-viral gaffe, Miss Abu-Khalil identified several Israeli cities as being a part of Palestine when asked to discuss zoning policies. “Miss Universe is supposed to be cultured and eloquent,” stated a pageant insider. “This won’t...
Al Qaeda Vows to Fly with Cell Phones not Set to ‘Airplane Mode’
In a chilling video released this week, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri promised a new wave of terror in which al Qaeda agents would fly on commercial airlines without setting their cell phones to “Airplane Mode.” “Until our demands are met, planes will soon rain from the skies, as the martyrs of Islam will ignore the captain’s explicit instructions and...
Obama Poised to Send Guantanamo Detainees to Louisiana
Sources close to the White House have told The Mideast Beast that the Obama Administration is poised to announce the closure of Guantanamo Bay detention center and the transfer of the remaining inmates to a facility on the US mainland. “We’ve been looking to get this done for years,” one source told TMB. “Obama wants to make sure it happens before the...
Following Pressure from Liberals, France Declares War on France to Defeat ISIS
In the time that has passed since the terror attacks in France, everyone from President Obama to your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving has weighed in on how the world’s number one exporter of baguettes and lovesick skunks should respond. Right wing demagogues have advocated for a merciless, chest thumping, scorched-earth type of approach to ISIS’s actions while liberals, sometimes called...
After Downing of Russian Jet, Turkey and US Consider Trading Presidents
Following Turkey’s downing of a Russian fighter jet near the Turkish-Syrian border, the United States and Turkey are reportedly on the verge of a deal that would send Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to America in exchange for his American counterpart, Barack Obama. “We’ve been looking for someone who could stand up to [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, so the chance...