After finally declaring that ISIS’s murder of thousands of Christians, Yazidis, and Shia Muslims constitutes genocide, the Obama administration is reportedly seriously considering officially recognizing that the Pope is Catholic. “The genocide recognition wasn’t an easy decision to make. It took more than two years for us to conclusively determine whether ISIS’s killing of tens of thousands of these minorities...
President Obama has claimed victory over Russia in their recent “Hands on Syria” contest during his weekly Presidential address, “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to confirm that all those years of training at NASCAR races in competitions to win a Ford F-150 have at last paid off. Those weak willed Russians just didn’t have what it takes to keep awake...
Showing how seriously she regrets her vote in favor of the Iraq War, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today announced her intention, if elected, to restore Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to power. Fox News mocked the plan – after a quick Wikipedia check – pointing out that Hussein was executed back in 2006. Sources tell The Mideast Beast, however,...
Looking to mitigate Israeli concerns over the recently-completed Iranian nuclear deal, which Israelis fear will allow Iran to build a nuclear weapon, President Obama announced plans to send hundreds of “Duck and Cover” videos to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “While the Israelis have claimed allowing Iran to build a nuclear bomb would leave them vulnerable and defenseless, these videos...
The Iranian nuclear deal is once again at the forefront of the news after the Iranian Fars News Agency reported that the Revolutionary Guard carried out testing of long-range ballistic missiles. Israeli officials are up in arms claiming there is no doubt of the intended use of the weapons, especially considering the phrase “Israel must be wiped out” was emblazoned...
Climate change activist and former U.S. Vice President Al Gore has suggested that ISIS and other terrorist organizations would have been far more environmentally friendly had he been elected president. In a wide-ranging interview with The Mideast Beast, Gore argued that the territories currently ruled by ISIS would be running on a “combination of chinchilla faeces and banana skins” had...
Mossad Operatives are the kind of spooks that are often spoken of only in hushed whispers, feared by those hunted by them. But as it turns out, not all Mossad agents are sweaty, Middle Eastern James Bondses (Bondsi? We’ll get back to you on that.). Like all workplaces, it seems like Mossad employs a few guys that, well, kind of...
Los Angeles – Tech giant Google announced that their new super computer would be tasked with solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Yesterday, the same computer apparently turned itself off, in a surprise demonstration that the Middle East makes even artificial intelligence (AI) lose the will to live. One source at Google labs who wished to remain anonymous told The Mideast Beast,...
Amid rising tensions over lone-wolf stabbings, lack of progress in peace talks and increasing frustration over Israel’s blockade of Gaza, and with the region looking well on its way to renewing its 68th annual “Palestinians and Israelis Fucking Can’t Stand One Another” popular concert series, the UN and Hamas have teamed up to equip Gaza with a dual purpose elementary...
In a development likely to shock no one, a number of bored young Palestinian men from Gaza have grown tired of Hamas. They’re looking for a new, exciting type of adventure and the ‘Islamic State’ provides it. Apparently, life under Hamas in Gaza has grown dull, say some Palestinians. “Sure, we still get to fire the occasional rocket, execute a...
Hamas issued a statement today in response to an announcement by the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) earlier this week that they plan on using Israelis as human shields in future armed conflict. ‘Operation Self-Defense,’ represents an apparent Israeli attempt to ‘fight fire with fire.’ “It just doesn’t seem fair that Hamas terrorists can hide behind their own citizens, while our...
JERUSALEM – After decades of intractable conflict along social, religious and political lines, the State of Israel is finally to be partitioned into two countries: one ultra-nationalist, and the other hyper-progressive. Meeting in Jerusalem, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and newly elected gay Tel Aviv Mayor Tamir Tikkunolami announced the start of a two-year process that will culminate in a...
Today, Secretary of State John Kerry announced that the United States would be extending ‘Most Favored Nation’ status to the Islamic State – aka ISIS, aka al-Sham, aka ISIL. “This decision offers us the best opportunity to lay the basis for productive relations with an emerging Muslim nation,” he said at a press conference announcing Obama’s decision. “We see this...
After clashes caused by soldiers following their Waze navigation app into a Palestinian refugee camp, Israel Defense Forces (IDF) leadership have banned the use of all smartphone apps. Head of “Ways for the Guys and Girls to Kill Time Whilst on Tedious Operations”, IDF General Fluffberg told The Mideast Beast; “This latest cock-up is really the final straw for us. It’s a...
Two Islamic superpowers are officially catfighting on the global stage in the newest Cold War. Following the execution of a popular Shiite cleric in Saudi Arabia, Iran and the Saudi Kingdom have cut ties faster than a speeding bullet. The two nations represent the two largest sects (that’s “sects,” not “sex,” you bunch of perverts) of Islam, Sunni and Shia....
After it was revealed that an elite American Special Forces team recently captured a “significant Islamic State operative”, The Mideast Beast has received new and surprising information regarding the identity and role of the detainee, Mohammed Al-Hirsute. Al-Hirsute is believed to be the main beard stylist – and expert manscaper – for ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, claiming to have...
Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has repeatedly promised that if elected president of the United States, he would “carpet bomb ISIS’s capital city of Raqqa in Syria ‘till we see if sand can glow.” Undeterred by the fact that Raqqa is a city of hundreds of thousands of civilians, Cruz assured that unlike with Barack Obama, civilian casualties do not weigh...
Libyan terror group Ansar al-Sharia, which helped carry out the 2012 attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, lashed out at House Republicans this week after claims surfaced that a series of investigations into the attack were aimed at damaging Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “While we were initially pleased that Congress was holding so many hearings in response to...
An FBI effort to use waterboarding to retrieve information from the iPhone of the ISIS-linked San Bernardo shooter has failed miserably, with officials saying the contents of the phone may be lost for good. “So now the fucking phone won’t even turn on,” a dejected FBI Director James Comey told The Mideast Beast. “This is the last time I ask...
All parties to the Syrian conflict have agreed that the two-day old truce is OK but really needs to be livened up if everyone is going to stick with it. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov commented, “I’ve personally enjoyed having my morning coffee without being interrupted every five minutes by Human Rights Watch. However, I think this whole ‘not bombing...
