America Outlasts Russia in “Last Hand on Syria” Competition

President Obama has claimed victory over Russia in their recent “Hands on Syria” contest during his weekly Presidential address,

“My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to confirm that all those years of training at NASCAR races in competitions to win a Ford F-150 have at last paid off. Those weak willed Russians just didn’t have what it takes to keep awake and ignore the desperate need to piss and soil yourself caused by consuming a Big Gulp and a foot-long chili dog.”

“But we must not let this victory cause us to take our eyes off the real completion, the Islamic State. Those crazy bastards really really love pick ups, so our intelligence suggests they are well aware of the challenges of ‘The Last Hand.’”

“So keep your leisure wear loose and your base ball caps grimy. Murcia!”

President Assad commented; “Whilst it’s sad to see one bunch of “bomb them back to the stone age” interventionists leave, I’m sure that we can quickly find someone willing to take their place. Does anyone here have the area code for Riyadh?”

 

Read more from TMB’s Marcus Thunderbolt