After finally declaring that ISIS’s murder of thousands of Christians, Yazidis, and Shia Muslims constitutes genocide, the Obama administration is reportedly seriously considering officially recognizing that the Pope is Catholic.
“The genocide recognition wasn’t an easy decision to make. It took more than two years for us to conclusively determine whether ISIS’s killing of tens of thousands of these minorities was in fact systematic or whether it was a highly coincidental series of freak hunting accidents,” Secretary of State John Kerry told The Mideast Beast. “We’re going to be just as deliberate as we examine whether Pope Francis is, in fact, Catholic.”
Kerry noted that Pope Francis’s position as head of the Catholic church, his previous stint as a Catholic Cardinal, and his tendency to wear a large hat usually worn by Catholic leaders suggested that he was likely Catholic, but added that further investigation was needed.
“We don’t want to jump to any premature conclusions, like when we thought [Syrian President Bashar] Assad had used chemical weapons,” Kerry explained. “I hope Obama and his successor give this question the careful deliberation it deserves.”
As of press time, President Obama was set to announce recognition that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s haircut is, in fact, a comb-over.