In a dramatic move, the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ali Khamenei, announced the winner of its annual “Taqiyya Award”. Organized by the Iranian Leadership, the award is given to exceptional infidels whose actions helped Iran’s policies of supporting terrorism around the Middle East, suppressing women’s rights, and expanding Iranian influence to other countries. Khamenei, commenting on the decision in a...
Citing Israel as a shining example of a country with strong national security and a ridonkulous military budget similar to the U.S., Donald Trump unveiled his strategy for protecting Americans from terror attacks. “Israel clearly knows what they’re doing. After all, they’ve been at war with Hamas for what, only 25 years now,” Trump told reporters. “Just look at their...
In one of the largest excommunications in the history of Christianity, Pope Francis has expelled the entire state of South Carolina from the Catholic Church following presidential candidate Donald Trump’s victory in the state’s Republican primary. The pope has also issued a fatwa condemning the billionaire businessman to death. “I tried warning those backwards inbred hicks that building walls is...
With the world now witnessing the forty-ninth year of Israeli control over parts of the West Bank, Palestinian residents of the territory are beginning to feel pangs of nostalgia for simpler times. Most people feel nostalgia for things like the Power Rangers, or Super Nintendo, or freedom from the crushing realization that time marches ever forward while affording you fewer and...
Refugees fleeing Syria’s four-year civil war declined a generous offer from the Qatari government, which promised them asylum and refugee status on the condition that they help the country build a soccer stadium for the 2022 FIFA World Cup. “After seeing the horrifying pictures from Turkey, our government has decided to absorb as many Syrian immigrants as wish to come...
Following recent negotiations on a military aid package, presidential candidate Marco Rubio pledged to maintain Israel’s technological superiority by proposing a plan to supply the country with a fleet of drones. “If elected President, I would ensure Israel maintains its technological advantages and has access to plenty of drones,” Mr. Rubio stated in a scripted press conference. “I know, deeply,...
Middle Eastern diplomacy was dealt a further blow last night after Russian Foreign Minster Lavrov admitted that “There isn’t really a word for ‘ceasefire’ in our language.” Lavrov continued, “No one at the Foreign Affairs Ministry is more embarrassed than me. I’ve been sitting in these Munich meetings all week listening to John Kerry go on about this possible Syrian...
Mahmoud Al-Tabi, a commander in the armed wing of Hamas, has promised child laborers that their dig to China will ultimately bear fruit. “Don’t worry” he said at a ceremony commemorating the 2014 war with Israel. “We’ve had minor setbacks, but if we push through, we’ll definitely reach Isra, I mean, China very soon. Now, Who wants ice cream?” Dozens of...
Following Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s convincing win in the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night, senior ISIS officials were reported to be desperately looking for “bombable targets” in the small northeastern state. “We were so excited when we heard that this crusader madman had won New Hampshire,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained in an interview with The Mideast Beast....
President Barack Obama has been added to the federal Terrorist Watchlist after NSA surveillance discovered the president had not only attended but spoken at a mosque in Baltimore last week. “Mr. Obama was seen on February 3 entering the Islamic Society of Baltimore, where he stayed for approximately one hour,” one NSA official told The Mideast Beast on the condition...
With British rapper-turned-ISIS-beheader Mohammed Emwazi, better known as ‘Jihadi John,’ killed in a US airstrike, experts are once again pointing to the danger of attempting a career as a hip-hop artist. “Jihadi John follows Tupac, Biggie, Run DMC, and many other rappers to see their promising careers cut short and their lives taken too soon,” one columnist wrote in The Source...
“Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s nclr deal is #awful #worstpresidenteva!” said renowned Twitter scholar @Obama_St1nks in response to the deal designed to slow Iran’s nuclear marathon. @Obama_St1nks is not alone in his or her opinion, as hundreds of Twitter academics flocked to join his or her dissension. It does appear that the highly educated and influential intellectuals of social media have deconstructed...
Lebanese authorities have released a captured vulture that they accused of spying for Israel, after discovering that the bird held deeply anti Semitic and anti-zionist views. According to reports, following its initial detainment, the vulture went on an extended, garbled rant about the Elders of Zion, the occupation, and the Zionist-Jew-controlled media. Some authorities described the bird as “showing clear...
In a surprise, yet totally expected announcement, General Amir “Impact Crater” Feldman, Head of the Israel Air Force (IAF), confirmed that the new F-35, which “can’t turn, can’t climb, can’t run,” would be a literal pet project for the IAF. “The days of flying, dropping bombs and shooting down the enemy are over,” he said in an off-the-record briefing to...
Facing broad criticism for differences between US and Iranian interpretations of the recent framework agreement, President Obama cited Iran’s willingness to pinky swear as proof of their good intentions. “As every child knows,” Obama opined during a press conference, “the pinky swear represents an unbreakable commitment.” Republicans were quick to doubt these assurances. Senator Bob Corker questioned whether there was...
“It all began when bābā told my big bro Bas that he’d one day inherit the entire Middle East, and all I’d get was crappy Palestine,” relays a tearful Bashar al-Assad in one of 200 shocking tapes leaked to TMB by the Syrian President’s once trusted psychotherapist. In the possession of Oxford-educated Dr. Abdul Bhulldustani – who met with President Assad...
In a bombshell announcement earlier today, a high-ranking Iranian official went on the record as saying that Iran was ready to abandon its nuclear pursuits prior to the signing of the now infamous deal with U.S. President Barack Obama. According to the official, the Iranian negotiating team was ready to acquiesce to all demands made by the international community, but...
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bid to distance himself from his older brother’s checkered legacy, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush has promised a major shift in U.S. Mideast policy. “The Iranians are not the only ones supporting extremism in the region: the Saudis are just as much to blame,” Jeb Bush said in an interview with The Washington Post. “Read...
HEBRON – After declaring Palestinians “blood-sucking parasites unworthy of life,” prominent West Bank Rabbi Yosef Goepstein has expressed shocked indignation at accusations that he is no different than the Nazis, who described Jews in similar terms. Goepstein, the chief rabbi of Kiryat Arba and recipient of the 2015 Israel Prize for “Superior Contributions to Jewish Ethics and Talmudic Thought,” was...
Friends of the Israeli drone that was allegedly shot down over Iran last August have claimed that he acted alone, out of a mixture of boredom and bravado. An IDF Heron 450 Unmanned Aerial vehicle said, “Yeah, Yoni always was a bit rogue. During basic training he often faked a ‘lost link’ situation just so he could go off and buzz the...
