COVID-19

Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron
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Fauci Issues Fatwa Against Omicron

Dr. Anthony Fauci, chief medical advisor to President Joe Biden, has issued a Fatwa, or Islamic decree, against Omicron, the newest coronavirus variant to threaten the West. “After consulting with prominent alternative medicine experts like Grand Sheikh Ahmed el-Tayeb, Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, and Rep. Ilhan Omar, I realized that a Fatwa is the only way to defeat Covid-19 once and...

Oscar the Grouch Announces he is Taking Ivermectin
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Oscar the Grouch Announces he is Taking Ivermectin

Days after Big Bird, Elmo, and several other Muppets announced that they had received the Covid-19 vaccine, Oscar the Grouch has revealed that he is unvaccinated and has started taking the anti-parasite drug Ivermectin to battle the coronavirus. After Big Bird appeared on a CNN’s town hall and discussed receiving the vaccine, Oscar joined podcaster Joe Rogan to talk about...

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields
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US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy...

Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic
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Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic

Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett announced yesterday that Israel will reform Covid-19 social distancing orders to allow Muslims to gather in crowded places and pray together. “This reform is the first of its kind in the world” Bennett said in a video posted to his Facebook Page. “This move shows once and for all how Israel is a democracy that...

Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble’
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Polarized Americans Being Urged to ‘Stick to their Bubble’

As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic (Delta-version), the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.”  Experts...

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread
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Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus Delta...

European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling
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European Union, Amnesty, ACLU: Give Terrorists Unemployment Benefits, Psychological Counseling

As numerous cities head back into lockdown due to the coronavirus Delta variant, jihadists still continue to find themselves out of human targets, and therefore out of jobs. The European Union released a statement about the financial distress that Covid19 is causing terrorist organizations. “The European Union is concerned by the shutting down of entire cities, and indeed countries, causing militant...

Taliban’s Tourism Minister Excited to Welcome Vaccinated Infidels

Taliban’s Tourism Minister Excited to Welcome Vaccinated Infidels

The Taliban Ministry of Tourism in Afghanistan is excitedly preparing to welcome vaccinated non-Muslim tourists in July. By contrast, virus-phobic Israel decided once again to postpone the reopening of its borders to vaccinated tourists until August due to the global spread of the coronavirus Delta variant. The Taliban’s Tourism Minister, Mullah Kabir, spoke to The Mideast Beast after Lonely Planet...

Iran: Coronavirus, Not Violent Homophobia, Reason for Pride Cancellation

Iran: Coronavirus, Not Violent Homophobia, Reason for Pride Cancellation

June is Pride Month, and in many countries it is a time to celebrate sexual diversity by plastering rainbow flags on pretty much anything and holding parades where people dance down the streets in speedos spreading glitter on everyone and everywhere. However, from some this year’s festivities are being put on hold because some governments still can’t get their shit...

Vaccinated Astronauts Alone in Outer Space Can Remove Masks, CDC Says
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Vaccinated Astronauts Alone in Outer Space Can Remove Masks, CDC Says

Following Fox News’ conservative host Tucker Carlson’s controversial comments on wearing masks, the Centers for Disease Control aimed to strike a balance and has relaxed its restrictions for vaccinated Americans. The CDC now says that those who are fully vaccinated can remove their masks, as long as they are astronauts who are at least 250 miles above the Earth’s surface...

Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’
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Israel’s Reopening Plan: ‘Treat Everyone Like a Palestinian’

Following a successful vaccine rollout, Israel is finally beginning to reopen and ‘get back to normal’. At the same time, the state is attempting to maintain a balance to stave off future lockdowns. While many countries across the globe struggle to create a new social contract for our collective new reality, it seems Israel has a blueprint at hand. “We...

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’
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Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’

Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast....

‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining
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‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining

An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Monday evening on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating...

It’s Finally Safe to Eat Bats Again, WHO Says
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It’s Finally Safe to Eat Bats Again, WHO Says

With the coronavirus vaccines being administered worldwide, as well as the “it came from a China lab” conspiracy already being debunked, the World Health Organization (WHO) now says it is safe for the public to once again eat bats in moderation. “The past year and a half was a difficult time for citizens across the globe, as the coronavirus pandemic...

UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus
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UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus

With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...

Study Finds 80% of Jewish Seders Skipped Over the Plagues This Passover

Study Finds 80% of Jewish Seders Skipped Over the Plagues This Passover

A study released this week from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem found that 80% of Jewish families chose to skip the plague section of the Passover Seder this year due to “plague overkill”. Despite the listing of the Ten Plagues being one of the most important parts of the Passover Seder ritual, the study found that eight out of ten...