Dr. Anthony Fauci, chief medical advisor to President Joe Biden, has issued a Fatwa, or Islamic decree, against Omicron, the newest coronavirus variant to threaten the West. “After consulting with prominent alternative medicine experts like Grand Sheikh Ahmed el-Tayeb, Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, and Rep. Ilhan Omar, I realized that a Fatwa is the only way to defeat Covid-19 once and...
Days after Big Bird, Elmo, and several other Muppets announced that they had received the Covid-19 vaccine, Oscar the Grouch has revealed that he is unvaccinated and has started taking the anti-parasite drug Ivermectin to battle the coronavirus. After Big Bird appeared on a CNN’s town hall and discussed receiving the vaccine, Oscar joined podcaster Joe Rogan to talk about...
The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy...
Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett announced yesterday that Israel will reform Covid-19 social distancing orders to allow Muslims to gather in crowded places and pray together. “This reform is the first of its kind in the world” Bennett said in a video posted to his Facebook Page. “This move shows once and for all how Israel is a democracy that...
As countries throughout the world try to develop an effective strategy for resuming normal operations amidst the COVID-19 Pandemic (Delta-version), the United States continues to be the epicenter for both the disease and the polarization resulting from it. One popular theory is that Americans can reduce their exposure to new diseases and information by keeping within their social “bubble.” Experts...
A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus Delta...
As numerous cities head back into lockdown due to the coronavirus Delta variant, jihadists still continue to find themselves out of human targets, and therefore out of jobs. The European Union released a statement about the financial distress that Covid19 is causing terrorist organizations. “The European Union is concerned by the shutting down of entire cities, and indeed countries, causing militant...
Every day brings new information about those who are most at risk of serious complications from the coronavirus Delta variant. It was believed that it only negatively affected those over sixty years of age and anyone with heart, respiratory or immune conditions. Nonetheless, new data, which has been collected at various embassies and consulates, suggests that the group most likely...
The Taliban Ministry of Tourism in Afghanistan is excitedly preparing to welcome vaccinated non-Muslim tourists in July. By contrast, virus-phobic Israel decided once again to postpone the reopening of its borders to vaccinated tourists until August due to the global spread of the coronavirus Delta variant. The Taliban’s Tourism Minister, Mullah Kabir, spoke to The Mideast Beast after Lonely Planet...
June is Pride Month, and in many countries it is a time to celebrate sexual diversity by plastering rainbow flags on pretty much anything and holding parades where people dance down the streets in speedos spreading glitter on everyone and everywhere. However, from some this year’s festivities are being put on hold because some governments still can’t get their shit...
Following Fox News’ conservative host Tucker Carlson’s controversial comments on wearing masks, the Centers for Disease Control aimed to strike a balance and has relaxed its restrictions for vaccinated Americans. The CDC now says that those who are fully vaccinated can remove their masks, as long as they are astronauts who are at least 250 miles above the Earth’s surface...
Following a successful vaccine rollout, Israel is finally beginning to reopen and ‘get back to normal’. At the same time, the state is attempting to maintain a balance to stave off future lockdowns. While many countries across the globe struggle to create a new social contract for our collective new reality, it seems Israel has a blueprint at hand. “We...
Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast....
An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Monday evening on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating...
A new PR campaign celebrating the ingenuity and modernity of Saudi Arabia is bragging about its strict Islamic laws, which have required women to cover their faces for decades before Covid-19. “For so many years the West gave us shit for making women cover up, now all of these liberal U.S. governors are forcing even men to do the same,”...
With the coronavirus vaccines being administered worldwide, as well as the “it came from a China lab” conspiracy already being debunked, the World Health Organization (WHO) now says it is safe for the public to once again eat bats in moderation. “The past year and a half was a difficult time for citizens across the globe, as the coronavirus pandemic...
With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...
After signing landmark legislation legalizing marijuana in the state, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is urging New Yorkers to get so stoned that they forget about all the state’s political developments this year. “After a year like 2020, it is important that New Yorkers take some time to enjoy the strongest, and most memory-erasing, strain of cannabis known to man,”...
A study released this week from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem found that 80% of Jewish families chose to skip the plague section of the Passover Seder this year due to “plague overkill”. Despite the listing of the Ten Plagues being one of the most important parts of the Passover Seder ritual, the study found that eight out of ten...
