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God Lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2022nd Time

After another year of war between Middle Eastern countries and factions, and a never-ending global pandemic, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different.

“2020 was a bust and 2021 definitely didn’t go as planned, but new year, new me! In 2022 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars. No promises on Covid. ur fault 4 not wearing masks or getting vaxxed. #resolutions #wearamask #getthejab #RT.”

God immediately got to work, reading several informative BuzzFeed articles on how to keep resolutions. He then put together an elaborate Excel spreadsheet where he listed all current ongoing conflicts.

“At first, I was like whoa, that’s a lot to take care of, but I learned that breaking goals into smaller and measured tasks make them more attainable. As long as I start the day with a good breakfast, I think I can fix Syria and Iraq in about a month while the Israeli-Palestinian conflict should need around five weeks. Worst. Real estate. Gaffe. Ever! But I’m pretty excited to finally get going on this project. I’ve been meaning to start it, but so many things have kept me busy like work, trying to deal with regional dictators, not understanding why Bibi is still around, and, umm, my son. But he’s all grown up now and left the house, so I’ve got plenty of time.”

In addition to peace in the Middle East, God also vowed to finally shed the excess weight he had put on during the holidays. He’s already paid for a one-year gym membership along with 10 private workout sessions with Gal Gadot.

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