Israel-Palestine

Palestinians Hire Kevin McCallister to Train in Anti-Occupation Resistance
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Palestinians Hire Kevin McCallister to Train in Anti-Occupation Resistance

Looking to finally achieve independence, the Palestinian Authority has hired Chicago resident Kevin McCallister to advise the government on how to resist occupation against a stronger invading force. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas reached out to McCallister after seeing how he fought off attempts by a crime duo known as the “Wet Bandits,” first in his family’s home outside Chicago and...

Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show
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Hamas is a “Non-Belieber”, Boycotts Upcoming Tel Aviv Show

GAZA CITY — Hamas, a self-declared non-Belieber, has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as yet another “infidel noise crime”. Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “This infidel brat Justin...

Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears”
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Hamas: “Justin Bieber’s Zionist Concert a Crime Against Sensitive Islamist Ears”

Hamas has condemned Justin Bieber’s scheduled Tel Aviv concert as an “infidel noise crime against sensitive Islamist ears.” Hamas’ Cultural Minster Yassin Yallah spoke to The Mideast Beast on Zoom from his subterranean office, conveniently located below Gaza’s main hospital and merely five minutes away from Gaza’s famous Camels & Goats strip club. “The infidel brat Justin Bieber is the...

Abbas Resigns as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station
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Abbas Resigns as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Monday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the...

iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
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iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 12 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results were found for anti-Semitism, anywhere...

Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App
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Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App

Seeking to prove once and for all that there’s room in the region for more than one high-tech powerhouse, the Palestinian Authority today unveiled the “RiotFind” app now available in all app stores. President Abbas explained, “no longer will hooligans have to wander aimlessly carrying heavy rocks and burning tires, hoping to find like-minded gentlemen, inclined to smack a Zionist...

Entitled Settlers Tired of World Whining Over Settlers
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Entitled Settlers Tired of World Whining Over Settlers

Fed up with Israeli hand-wringing and the world pissing and moaning about a bunch of Jews living in remote and isolated desert areas of the Holy Land, residents and community leaders of a Judean Hills enclave held an emergency meeting to discuss marketing strategies going forward. Rebecca Steinbaum, an outspoken resident, gave The Mideast Beast an earful. “We aren’t Jewish...

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israelis and Palestinians’
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World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israelis and Palestinians’

Citizens around the world, especially Israelis and Palestinians, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around their little conflict. International developments for which Israelis and Palestinians have no involvement include: Accelerating the spread of the Delta and Delta Plus Coronavirus variants throughout the world. This apparently was...

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”
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BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is dedicated to convincing people, governments,...

Trying to Repair Ties to Jewish Community, Ben & Jerry’s Releases ‘Christian Blood Crunch’
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Trying to Repair Ties to Jewish Community, Ben & Jerry’s Releases ‘Christian Blood Crunch’

In an effort to win back Jewish customers peeved over its decision to stop selling its products in West Bank settlements and East Jerusalem, Ben & Jerry’s announced that it will release a new flavor called ‘Christian Blood Crunch’ to be sold in Jewish communities worldwide. The flavor will contain real chunks of Christian children, company CEO Matthew McCarthy explained,...

Doubling Down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream
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Doubling Down, Ben & Jerry’s Releases Mintifada Ice Cream

In another effort to infuse social justice into its products, Ben & Jerry’s has released a new ‘Mintifada’ ice cream to honor “the heroic activists who stood up to the shifty Jews” during two Palestinian uprisings. Along with its mint base, the ice cream will include pop rocks representing the suicide bombs used against Jewish targets and small pebbles referencing...

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments
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Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation...

Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another
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Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has escalated to new heights with each side accusing the other of misgendering. In a statement released by the Office of the Prime Minister, at least for a few more days, Netanyahu explained, “We used to be called Palestine, but on the inside, we’ve always been Israel. And so, in 1948 we transitioned. Israel is our gender, which...