President-elect Trump has announced he has offered to appoint Hilary Clinton Ambassador to Saudi Arabia, shaking the political world to its core. After the initial astonishment experts have begun reasoning that the pick follows a clear trend in his cabinet selection process. “It is clear Trump is attempting to create a government with the most conflict of interests possible. With...
Vice President-elect and Planned Parenthood nemesis Mike Pence is doggedly preparing to launch a new platform on women’s rights, viewing the Middle East as a key source of inspiration. “It should be no secret to anyone that I don’t always see eye-to-eye with ISIS or Iran,” Pence began in his yawn-inducing tone. “But when it comes to the treatment of...
Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, who came under fire for refusing to issue marriage certificates to same-sex couples, revealed yesterday that a number of Middle Eastern countries are interested in her services. “After facing so much hate and discrimination from my fellow Americans, it’s a relief to see that there’s one part of the world where my God-given hatred of homosexuality...
President-Elect Donald Trump announced earlier today that he is considering Michael Bolton as his special envoy for the Middle East Peace process. After the announcement, the question on everyone’s mind is: Doesn’t he mean John Bolton? Special Envoy for Middle East Peace is a position dedicated to bringing an end to the decades-long Israel-Palestinian conflict. John Bolton is a lawyer and diplomat who...
The Hamas government said Friday it will recognize same-sex marriages performed in any of the over 1,000 smuggling tunnels situated along the border between the Gaza Strip and Israel. “Something unexpected and fabulous happened during those long, lonely nights inside those dark, dusty tunnels during the last war,” explained Hamas Justice Minister Abdul-Malik Kassis. “While resisting the usurper Zionist government’s siege against...
Secret rulers of the world, The Elders of Zion, are like everyone else trying to come to grips with the incoming Trump presidency. Aaron Goldstein, dentist by day, Senior Elder of Zion for North America by night commented, “On the one hand it’s great to see he received the memo on putting us in charge of the Treasury. Fort Knox is...
New York City — Wire services report the United Nations Security Council’s five permanent members and ten non-permanent members have determined the online publication The Mideast Beast a terrorist organization in a vote of 15–0. Citing numerous examples of terror-related reports published on the web and social media, along with overwhelming evidence of the publication’s questionable motives, the council’s unanimous decision...
After revealing that he’ll be staying on as executive producer of his reality TV show, Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump released a statement this morning disclosing a possible motive for the decision: he plans to use the game show as a political platform. Trump has invited Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to compete on the show’s upcoming...
Saying that they just couldn’t believe that Russia would meddle in another country’s affairs, Syrian residents are shocked and outraged over reports from U.S. intelligence agencies concluding that Russia interfered in the American elections on behalf of President-Elect Donald Trump. “I just cannot imagine that [Russian President Vladimir] Putin would have anything but total respect for a country’s domestic political...
President-elect Donald Trump’s elation over his unexpected election last month disappeared this week, after a golden statue of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu appeared in Tel Aviv. Trump is furious that no similar likeness of him has appeared, and the president-elect has fired his entire transition team over this failure. Trump initially reacted to the statue’s appearance with equanimity, tweeting,...
Syrian officials have contacted the Trump presidential transition team to check up on how many generals you can have in a cabinet before it all gets a bit ‘juntaery’. A spokesman for President Assad commented, “We’re really only asking for a friend but it occurred to us that Mr. Trump might know something we don’t know about the amount of...
Claiming that it has finally discovered a way to get the American Left to take the terror group seriously, ISIS announced yesterday that it had sent operatives into the United States in a plot to build an oil pipeline through sacred Native American lands in North Dakota. “Unless the American infidels leave the Middle East, recognize our Caliphate, and accept Islam,...
TRUMP TOWER, NYC — Donald Trump had been making conservative Christians very uneasy. The religious right, who historically have supported Republican presidents, have found it difficult to politically back someone as liberal as Donald Trump. Struggling to find “a relationship with Christ“, and thus a way to connect to Christians, Trump apparently found the solution: he announced yesterday that he is, in...
During a press conference earlier today, when asked about his thoughts on recent developments in the Middle East including Syria, The President, without saying a word, reached into his jacket pocket, came out with nothing, feigned surprise and said “Well, I just checked, and I’m out of fucks to give”. The president has spent much of his time in office...
President-elect Donald Trump has once again shaken up the global order, as the soon-to-be 45th President of the United States spoke by phone to ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “When I called Trump Tower, I had no idea he’d pick up,” al-Baghdadi admitted in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Me and some of my fellow mujahedeen had taken a break from...
In a move it insists is not aimed at antagonizing President Obama, nor the recent “massive spike in violence”, the Israeli government has approved 400 new settlement units in South Chicago. Those settlements will span Obama’s home and the neighborhoods in which the president once worked as a community organizer. Several public housing apartment buildings in Chicago’s Roseland and West...
ABU DHABI — In what can be considered vindication for President-elect Donald Trump on one of his most controversial proposals, Muslims from across the Middle East and beyond have unanimously signed off Trump’s plan to ban Muslims from entering the country. “While there’s been much made of President Trump’s promise to ban Muslims and the impact it will have on...
Iranian President Rouhani has offered to help the Stein campaign with its efforts to hold ballot recounts in the states of Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Michigan, sources say. Iran is, understandably, gravely disappointed at the prospect of a Trump presidency and the possible dismantlement of the nuclear deal. “The Iranian people see eye to eye with moderate America in our disdain...
NEW YORK – Echoing his past praise for the 2008 housing crash, U.S. President-elect Donald J. Trump has claimed that the Russian air strikes currently devastating the Syrian city of Aleppo will be a boon for his luxury real estate empire. “Sure, the pictures coming out of Aleppo are horrible… but think of the amazing redevelopment opportunities once Assad mops...
Saying that he had “no idea that [Canadian Prime Minister Justin] Trudeau and I agreed on so many things,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has reportedly submitted his resumé for a position in Trudeau’s administration following the prime minister’s glowing remarks about former Cuban President Fidel Castro. “I have always wanted to serve the Canadian government, but I feared that my...
