Politics

American Association of University Professors Votes to Replace ‘Middle East’

American Association of University Professors Votes to Replace ‘Middle East’

In an attempt to connect with chronically glassy eyed college students, the largest organization of professors in the United States is combatting declining interest in Middle East studies by changing the name of the region. “Today’s pop culturally savvy, sex-saturated undergraduates are tuning out of any programs that contain the term ‘Middle East’. Aspiring potheads around the country believe that the entire region is a figment of their parents’ imagination. ‘Middle of what? East of where?’ I hate my father. You have any Cheetos?’...

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

International Entrepreneur Elon Musk Announces Permanent Solution to Middle East Strife

Business titan and inventor Elon Musk has applied his out-sized intellect to the millennia-long problems plaguing the Middle East, announcing through a spokesperson that he has a plan to eliminate “all strife in the Middle Eastern part of the world,” by Christmas. “Mr. Musk has been mulling this issue for some time now,” said one of his spokespeople.  “Mr. Musk is waaaay fucking smart, so listening to him is always profitable, except for that whole Tesla electric car thing. That sucked, but PayPal...

Opening US airspace will lead to ‘rain of terrorists’

Opening US airspace will lead to ‘rain of terrorists’

US airline bosses are warning that an open skies agreement allowing non-US airlines to operate domestically within the US is the biggest terrorist threat since 9/11. “You let non-US airlines to operate here and that means that you have to let the Middle Eastern ones in,” cautioned, aviation analyst Michael J Preston. “That means it’s going to be literally raining terrorists. I’ve been at JFK when some of those flights come in and it’s easier to count the guys without...

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

War to become a giant, unending game of Ping-Pong, as Israel transfers Iron Dome technology to Hamas

A human being from the UN Human Rights Council has chastised Israel for not sharing its air defense system technology with Hamas. “Has war not always been the realm of fairness? Well, this is just unfair. What we witnessed last summer was the Israelis waging genocide against people that they force to live in tunnels. Though if we’re being honest, I’m not exactly sure what genocide really means. I’ll have to consult with Penelope Cruz on that.” Nevertheless, Israel has agreed, albeit reluctantly, to transfer a...

Netanyahu Offers Former Foreign Minister the Right to Deflower Virgin Brides to Join Coalition

Netanyahu Offers Former Foreign Minister the Right to Deflower Virgin Brides to Join Coalition

Despite his embarrassment at admitting he watched a late-night rebroadcast of Mel Gibson’s Braveheart, Prime Minister Netanyahu today described his plans to offer Avigdor Lieberman Jus Primae Noctis – a medieval lord’s right to deflower a bride on her wedding night – if the former foreign minister agrees to join Likud’s shaky 61 seat coalition. “Look it is not as if I am a fan of that anti-Semite Gibson,” Netanyahu explained, “but you have to agree the fucker knows how...

Obama Vows To Stand With, Awkwardly Sip Drink Next To, Israel At UN General Assembly

Obama Vows To Stand With, Awkwardly Sip Drink Next To, Israel At UN General Assembly

Despite increasingly strained relations between Israel and the United States, President Obama announced today that he would not abandon the Jewish State. Well, not entirely anyway. The President made clear that with the reelection of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, with whom he lacks the bromance many want to see, he could not pal around with Israel like usual. “I’ll do my duty and I’ll hang out by Israel at the next UN Assembly, but I won’t promise that I’ll talk...

Potential Iran Deal Sends Terror Stocks Soaring

Potential Iran Deal Sends Terror Stocks Soaring

Leaks from Washington, Tehran, and Switzerland of an imminent nuclear deal roared through Wall Street today sending terror stocks soaring in afterhours trading. Reports indicate than any deal will include the release of over $100 billion in frozen Iranian funds. Noted hedge fund manager, Gree D. Bassard, seemed to speak for the mood. “$100 billion’s a lot of scratch. And what are the Iranians going to spend it on? Give you a hint – it won’t be booze or bacon.”...

Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys

Opinion: Thank God We’re Not Those Guys

Living in Israel, it’s easy to forget how good you have it. It’s only when real tragedies occur in other countries and dominate the media that you realize everything you’ve been taking for granted. I had this realization this week, as my Facebook newsfeed was littered with disaster stories from half way around the world. Families torn apart. Lives turned upside down. I’m referring, of course, to the earth shattering report that Tom Brady “more likely than not” knew that...

Baltimore and Israeli Police to Conduct Joint Exercise in Beating African Migrants

Baltimore and Israeli Police to Conduct Joint Exercise in Beating African Migrants

In the wake of violent protests in Baltimore after the killing of an unarmed African American man, and protests in Israel after the beating of an IDF soldier of Ethiopian descent, the Baltimore Police Departments and the Israeli Police have agreed to joint exercises to better their techniques in mercilessly beating people of African descent. In a joint statement, the police departments stated that they were horrified as to the lack of professionalism displayed in the beatings, and that the...

Returning American Tourist Readies For Daring Operation To Smuggle Israeli Orange Past Airport Customs

Returning American Tourist Readies For Daring Operation To Smuggle Israeli Orange Past Airport Customs

Reports have been received by The Mideast Beast that an American tourist returning from Israel was preparing to carry out a covert operation to sneak an orange he purchased in a Jerusalem outdoor market past JFK International customs. Bringing in foreign produce is strictly illegal, and based on the scouring faces of homeland security agents, assumed to be punishable by death. RELATED: The Mideast Beast’s Guide to Buying and Cleaning Shuk-Bought Veggies Jason Goldberg, 25 year old New York native and international...

Israel Found Guilty

Israel Found Guilty

The international community issued firm condemnation of Israel’s recent actions earlier today. An emergency meeting of the United Nation Security Council was convened in order to issue a number of resolutions against the Jewish State. Member states accused Israel of being “inhumane,” and acting with “utter disregard for human life and wellbeing.” Israel has responded to these claims by saying that it retains the right to protect its citizens and ensure its survival. “We will not stand idly by while...

North Korean Dictator Praises Former Egyptian President’s Death Sentence

North Korean Dictator Praises Former Egyptian President’s Death Sentence

Noting that there’s “no better way to unite a country than executing its only democratically-elected president,” North Korean leader Kim Jong-un came out in support of former Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi’s death sentence, issued this week by an Egyptian court. “There’s only one way to bring prosperity, growth and a shared vision to a country, and that’s by executing everyone who disagrees with you,” explained the pudgy dictator. “I’ve executed my aunt, uncle, and the army chief of staff just...

DC Bars and Strip Clubs Hit Hard by Saudi King’s Trip Cancellation

DC Bars and Strip Clubs Hit Hard by Saudi King’s Trip Cancellation

Following Saudi King Salman’s last-minute cancellation of his trip to meet with President Obama, several of DC’s upscale bars, strip clubs, and luxury retail outlets say they may be forced to declare bankruptcy. “I’ve been counting on this visit all year. Hell, half my inventory was ordered with the Saudi royal family in mind,” said one DC jeweler. “It’s like if Christmas were cancelled.” Other industries were hit even harder by the cancellation, according to one DC madam who spoke on...

ISIS Sends Congratulatory Note to Turkish Leader on Anniversary of Armenian Genocide

ISIS Sends Congratulatory Note to Turkish Leader on Anniversary of Armenian Genocide

The President of Turkey, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, received an unexpected show of support from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on the centennial of the massacres that killed an estimated 1.5 million Armenians. “Your modesty about Turkey’s involvement is endearing. Your people have showed generations of young, insecure Jihadists everywhere that, with just a bit of stick-to-itiveness, it is in fact possible to obliterate crusader armies. The devil worshippers have been looking over their shoulders ever since the Ottoman...

Iraqi Conflict Nears Resolution Following Starbucks’ Successful Campaign Against Sectarianism

Iraqi Conflict Nears Resolution Following Starbucks’ Successful Campaign Against Sectarianism

Decades of sectarian strife in Iraq appear to be coming to an end, with most analysts attributing the conflict’s resolution to Starbuck’s “#ShiiteTogether” campaign aimed at exploring religious divisions between Sunnis and Shiites in the country by writing words on cups. “I had gone into a Starbucks in a Shiite area of Baghdad wearing a suicide vest and had planned on detonating myself after the first sip of my soy mocha latte. But then I saw the barista had written...

Some Fear That Small Minority Not Loyal to State Might Sway Elections

Some Fear That Small Minority Not Loyal to State Might Sway Elections

Recently, average citizens have been becoming increasingly uncomfortable at the thought of a small group of voters, who could be described as a ‘demographic threat’, affecting the outcome of the next election. The fear is that this small band of people will vote, not for the good of the State at large, but for their own selfish self-interests. And while it is true that these people are citizens, and therefore have the right to vote in elections, it has been...

The Bi-Nationals Are Trying to Recruit Your Kids!

The Bi-Nationals Are Trying to Recruit Your Kids!

Bi-nationality is a little understood phenomenon that many people are uncomfortable discussing. The condition, considered by many to be unnatural, manifests itself in a growing number of people who are citizens of two countries. Israeli-Americans are one of the most prevalent types, with more appearing every year. But the question of how this happens remains. Because bi-nationals can’t biologically reproduce other bi-nationals, many maintain that outside recruitment is the main driver of their increasing numbers. RELATED: Israel Found Guilty of Treating...

Steroid Controversy Rocks Saudi Arabia Following Execution of 80th Prisoner

Steroid Controversy Rocks Saudi Arabia Following Execution of 80th Prisoner

As Saudi Arabia carried out its 80th beheading, edging closer to the much-anticipated 87 killings in a single year record, a scandal involving the use of performance-enhancing drugs is threatening to tarnish the most revered record in capital punishment. Saudi Arabia’s Interior Ministry said yesterday “Since 2008, several of the kingdom’s most prolific swords men have come to rely on a wide variety of performance-enhancing substances. The use of steroids damages the integrity of the kingdom’s liberal death penalty policy and...

After Being Stood up by Saudi King, Obama Goes on Epic Drinking Binge

After Being Stood up by Saudi King, Obama Goes on Epic Drinking Binge

Stunned by the news that Saudi King Salman had refused his invitation to attend a landmark summit, President Barack Obama reportedly spent Saturday night bar hopping across Washington, D.C. “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to!” Obama shrieked before chugging down a beer at the ‘Board Room’ sports bar. “They’re all gonna laugh at me,” Obama was overheard mumbling repeatedly while munching on waffle fries, sipping whiskey-scotch and slamming back some funky looking shots at ‘Bourbon,’ the well-known...

Kerry Blames Ebola Outbreak on Lack of Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks

Kerry Blames Ebola Outbreak on Lack of Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks

Addressing the Ebola outbreak that began in 2014, Secretary of State John Kerry blamed the spread of the disease on a lack of progress in the Israeli-Palestinian peace process. “Talks were going fine, the disease was under control, then Israel announced that they were building these new settlements in East Jerusalem and Netanyahu announced “no Palestinian State under my watch”, and ‘poof,’ people are showing up in Dallas emergency rooms with Ebola-like symptoms. Do I really need to draw everyone a...