Politics

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

This month, actress Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines for being skinny and blonde and also for taking on the Food Stamps Challenge, in which bored and out-of-touch celebrities try and live on the weekly food stamps budget of $29. After blowing her budget on kale and limes, Gwyneth had to quit the challenge early. (But, to be fair, eating kale would be hard even for starving African kids). Hoping to redeem herself/gain more publicity, Gwyneth will now be taking on the fun...

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN sources acknowledged today that a resolution condemning Israel for genocide was passed due to confusion caused by a siren sounded in Tel Aviv to commemorate Israel’s Memorial Day. “We heard that there were sirens in Tel Aviv and just assumed Hamas had launched rockets, so we decided to pass a resolution condemning the Israeli aggression,” a UN official told The Mideast Beast. “To be honest, we had the resolution in the hopper and ready to go since the ceasefire...

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Press TV, Iran’s state-run media arm, was the big winner at the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, winning multiple honors for its coverage of Israel’s 50-day war with Gaza last summer. The award for investigative reporting went to the network for its account of Israel’s attempt to take down a commercial airplane leaving Gaza City by releasing hundreds of venomous snakes in the flight’s luggage compartment. Press TV also won an editorial award for its exposé on Israel’s practice of sending killer...

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas has announced an uncharacteristic change in policy. The organization released a statement declaring their usual intent to destroy Israel, but this time, with something a little extra. “The animals living in the Zionist zoo will also be held accountable. They are as guilty of occupying Palestinian land as any big nosed bi-ped. Those meer cats might look cute, but don’t be fooled, they straight up hate all Muslims,” read the statement. The IDF refused to comment directly, only saying...

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children

Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children

The Islamic Republic of Iran is following up its signing of a historic framework deal with the West by reaching out to millions of school-aged children to help build the country’s nuclear infrastructure. “We’re street-legal, baby! But now that we’re in the clear, we have to hustle. Once the Western powers discover the plutonium plant we built underneath an ice skating rink in Beirut, we won’t be able to operate so freely,” Iran’s Minister of Education Farzin Fikri said on Thursday....

Biden: “Sadists Should Be Allowed to practice Sadire Without Fear of Physical Retribution”

Biden: “Sadists Should Be Allowed to practice Sadire Without Fear of Physical Retribution”

As the world continues to reflect on the 7 January attack on Charlie Hebdo, Joe Biden held a press conference to express his condolences to the people of France. In a prepared statement, and surrounded by his wife and family, Biden said, “Part of living in a free an open society is being able to express ourselves. Unfortunately, the satirists at Charlie Hebdo did not get to exercise that right.” Putting down the notecards and veering off script, Biden continued,...

French Rightist Struggles to Convince Core Supporters that Hating Muslims Just as Satisfying as Hating Jews

French Rightist Struggles to Convince Core Supporters that Hating Muslims Just as Satisfying as Hating Jews

Though leading France’s National Front to new heights, Marine Le Pen finds herself in trouble with old time party members who supported her father. “No matter how many times I tell them,” Le Pen explained, “those old guys just refuse to believe that hating Muslims can be just as satisfying as hating Jews.” Mrs. Le Pen, considered a serious contender for the French Presidency in 2017, cannot take these old timers for granted. So Le Pen seeks to persuade them...

Iranian Leaders Can’t Understand Why the World Won’t Take Them at Their Word

Iranian Leaders Can’t Understand Why the World Won’t Take Them at Their Word

In a wide-ranging interview, Iranian Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, explained his distress at the world’s refusal to take him at his word. “I am a simple cleric. A servant of the All-mighty. Still, how often must I say Iran will wipe Israel from the face of the earth before people take me seriously?” Khamenei’s awareness began when he installed a new satellite dish in his home. “The wife and I were tired of waiting for download of newest Game of...

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

Taking a break from clearing out his desk and catching the next train on Platform 9 ¾, out going Secretary of State John Kerry appeared before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to defend the recent frame work deal with Iran. His defense was both vigorous and absolute. Committee Chairman, Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, suggested it might be dangerous to leave the highly fortified Iranian facility at Fordow fully operational. “Muggle fool,” replied the Secretary, “do you think John Kerry...

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

In statement released by the Prime Minister’s office this week, Times of Israel blogger and part time social-media activist Aharon Landenbaum has “forever changed the course of Israeli history.” Although Landenbaum offered no practical advice, or measures that could be taken to address the issues he raised, his one-time blog was heralded as “perhaps the single greatest intellectual achievement since the state’s founding. A spokesman for the Israeli Government commented, “After reviewing this incalculably valuable treatise on the state of...

United States Puts Israel In the ‘Friend Zone’

United States Puts Israel In the ‘Friend Zone’

In a clear sign of the continuously strained relationship between the US and Israel, and with Prime Minister Netanyahu’s speech to Congress, the White House has made the decision to put the Jewish State in the ‘friend zone’. ‘Friend zoning’ is a little-known Constitutional power given to the President, however, this is the first time it has ever been employed. “This was a difficult decision,” according to an unnamed White House staffer. “But in light of how ‘special’ the US...

Hamas set to lift its blockade on Israel

Hamas set to lift its blockade on Israel

As a ceasefire continues to hold between Israel and Hamas in Gaza (one of its beautiful beaches in the image above), Hamas has announced that it will lift its crushing blockade and restrictions on Israeli goods and citizens. The surprise move was meant as a showing of good faith and a peace offering to its Jewish neighbor to the north, east, and south. The international community applauded the decision, though many are still unsure what ‘international community’ actually means. In an...

Tel Aviv Man Only Person Surprised by Clinton’s Announcement For Presidency

Tel Aviv Man Only Person Surprised by Clinton’s Announcement For Presidency

Local Tel Aviv Resident, Etai Rosenfield, expressed complete shock when he learned of Hillary Clinton’s declaration that she will seek the presidency. “I just didn’t see it coming,” Rosenfield stated in an exclusive interview. “I mean, talk about an announcement that just came out of completely nowhere!” RELATED: Hillary Clinton denies having a Jewish heritage; admits to “slight resemblance” Research from The Mideast Beast indicates that Mr. Rosenfield is literally the only person in the world who did not expect Secretary Clinton...

Obama Admits to Blowing Medicare Trust Fund in Persian Bazaar in Exchange for Fake Rolex

Obama Admits to Blowing Medicare Trust Fund in Persian Bazaar in Exchange for Fake Rolex

President Obama is facing renewed criticism after the White House acknowledged it had spent the entire government trust fund allotted for Medicare spending to purchase a watch that, upon further inspection, turned out to be a ‘Polex.’ The exchange occurred in a Persian bazaar in the outskirts of Tehran as Obama, feeling confident after the latest round of negotiations, decided to attempt to haggle for a new watch to wear to his celebratory press conference. Obama originally offered to pay...

Palestinian Man Demands “Right to Return” Shoes That Don’t Fit, Hundreds Gather to Accidentally Support Cause

Palestinian Man Demands “Right to Return” Shoes That Don’t Fit, Hundreds Gather to Accidentally Support Cause

One of the largest rallies in recent memory took place in the West bank today, as hundred of Palestinians gathered to demand a right to return to the land they claim was stolen from them in order to create the State of Israel. The only problem is, they ended up supporting the wrong right to return. “I just wanted to return my new sneakers,” said West Banker, Waseem Abdul. “The store owner told me that I couldn’t return shoes that...

Responding to Iran Criticism, Obama Unleashes Assault on Netanyahu’s Comb-Over

Responding to Iran Criticism, Obama Unleashes Assault on Netanyahu’s Comb-Over

Following a litany of criticism over the proposed framework of an agreement on Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama came out with his strongest rhetoric to date in denunciation of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, calling his hairstyle “an obvious comb-over unfitting of a world leader.” “Netanyahu is saying I shouldn’t trust the Ayatollahs, but I don’t see them spending 45 minutes in front of a mirror every day just to make it appear they have a full head of hair,”...

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

The UN has announced it will station more people standing around in fetching blue helmets on the Israeli-Lebanese border because, in the words of one spokesman, “things recently got a bit lively”. The UN has been sunbathing at the Syrian-Israeli border for the past 30 years. And have garnered much praise for having kept the peace by a policy of rolling over and fucking off to the Israeli side of the border at the first sign of trouble. A UN peacekeeper, wishing to...

Palestinian Economy Now Banking in Switzerland

Palestinian Economy Now Banking in Switzerland

Reports are emerging that the whole Palestinian economy has been transferred to a Fatah-held bank account in Switzerland. The move comes after most of the Arab world abandoned Hamas and ISIS soared in the rich list. Hamas, who has over 300 millionaires in their ranks, is often seen cruising around the tax haven but if the resistance group is behind the latest move, it is surely a sign of escalation in their campaign of debauchery. “Taxes are capitalist and capitalism is...

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

The BDS movement, which urges artists and consumers to boycott Israel and Israeli products, gained an unlikely supporter, as the Israeli government announced it would be urging rapper Kanye West and his wife, reality television star Kim West, to cancel their upcoming trip to the country in protest of its many human rights violations. “The only way to end the occupation and bring peace to the region is for Kim and Kanye to cancel their trip to Israel,” Israeli President...

Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control

Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control

Like all teen romances, the UN was totally infatuated by Yemen. The impoverished Arabian nation asked the global organization to assist with all her myriad problems; hunger, violence, feeling generally unloved. “What can I say,” said the UN, describing those early days. “Yemen just seemed so helpless.   I felt like a hero. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for her. I was just giddy in love. Like Paradise by the Dashboard Light, you know, we always loved that song,...